Trusting and Being Trusted in Relationships | Ep 5

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Trust Factor with Rob Greenley, focuses
on all aspects to building human trust in

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online communications only on one hundred TV. In Trust Factor Episode five, Trusting

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and being trusted in our interpersonal relationships
is the topic today with dating and relationship

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expert and coach Kimmy Seltzer, who
joined me in my first interview in this

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series. So Hi, my name
is Rob Greenley, and I'm here again

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in episode five of the podcast.
Thank you for joining me. The trust

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factor in your life is essential.
The lack or abundance of it is profoundly

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impactful on the quality of your life. So trust is the number one factor

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and all of our lives today,
so it's very important. Thank you.

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I hope what you learned today and
what you continue to learn in this series

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while bringing more positive experience in your
life and your experience with others. As

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we focus on really in this series, the human experience as this world shifts

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to artificial intelligent experiences, which is
going to put more of an emphasis and

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focus on all of our ability to
find ways to connect with other humans and

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authentic and real ways. So we're
also now available. The series is available

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as an audio podcast on Apple Podcasts. So you can follow the show there

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like and subscribe on YouTube at one
other TV channel, So go check that

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out. It's just to a search
for one hundred TV in YouTube, or

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just go to if you want to
read more about the one hundred TV network,

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you can go to one UNDTV network
dot com. So let's jump into

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it and get right into our fantastic
guest. Here. I have with me

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the excellent Kimney Seltzer, who's going
to talk to me about, you know,

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interpersonal trust building relationship. She's an
X therapist turned dating strategist, coach,

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podcast host so right up my alley, and author and nationally recognized speakers.

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So she hosts two shows. One
is on hiatus right now, but

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the Charisma Quotient Show, as well
as Dating Irl, which is on hold

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right now, but I believe there's
a couple of episodes up there. So

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Jimmy, thank you for joining me. I appreciate having you here, thank

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you, and I love that I'm
your first guest. Yes, and in

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episode five, I'm churning new territory
with this show. So it's awesome and

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I'm still going to sprinkle together the
solo shows with occasional guests that are relevant

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to the trust factor topic to try
and bring you a little bit deeper insights

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than maybe even I can bring to
the topic. So I don't have the

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answers to everything. So it's pretty
close though around well, I try.

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I've been around long enough to experience
a lot of different situations. But bring

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on experts like him is really key
to giving this show the depth and the

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scope that it needs to have to
really help you and help what you're doing.

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So let's just start off and talking
about trust. Let's just share your

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thought at this point about how important
trust is in dating relationships from your own

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experience and what does that look like, How's it built, and how's it

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express. I know that's a mouthful
to start out with, but if you

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can kind of summarize it, I
think it would be really helpful. Oh,

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my guy and I have so many
ways to answer, and yes,

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there are a lot of layers there. And because the truth is, and

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you really honed in on like what
trust means for me, it all really

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kind of started with my story.
Because the thing is is, yes,

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semi trained therapist and I've helped people
for many, many years and trust has

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always been like a big factor when
it comes to communication and relationships and creaking

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patterns and all of those things.
And I had my own story, it

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happened to me that I mean completely
broke trust and everything that I knew,

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and I really from a personal standpoint, had to rebuild that first in my

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self and then with others to fundamentally
understand it. Like you you know,

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you're on my podcast and we were
talking about that, like until you understand

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the other side and really been through
it is when you really feel it and

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see it and hopefully break those patterns. And I don't know if you want

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me to go into my story.
I think it's kind of like an interesting

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part of our discussion. But to
answer your question first so we can circle

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back, Trust is I think the
most fundamental thing to have when it comes

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to building a healthy relationship, quite
honestly, because you could have a lot

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of different things going on that is
beneficial in a relationship, Like you could

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have great sex, you could have
compatibility and ways of things that you like

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to do together. You could even
see eye to eye with like money and

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all of things that are important when
it comes to relationship. But all of

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that is really nothing if you don't
have trust, and so it's the fundamental

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thing that you need in a relationship
and ship. And what you and I

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were talking about too on my podcast
is that how intertwined trust is with confidence

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because you know, if you're in
a place in your life with a relationship

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or other things, it's hard to
have like also that authentic relationship, that

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trustworthy relationship, and it really can
knock down your own confidence in yourself.

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So there's again like there's so many
layers to this thing. So yeah,

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I mean, I don't know where
you want to go with it. There's

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a lot of twists and turns in
this. Well. Also, you know,

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trust can influence the quality of any
relationship that you have too. So

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trust getting into a relationship and trust
and the ongoing relationship with another party can

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really have an impact on the longevity
of that particular relationship too, and the

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direction that it goes and the depths
that it goes or for the exit direction

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that goes. So talk about that
a little bit too. Is is that

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the trust factor that comes into quality
and longevity too? Well, Yeah,

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because you know, let's say that
you do have trust issues, You've been

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hurt and so the walls go up
and now you're moving forward, trying to

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attract a new relationship, and in
your mind you're thinking, all right,

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I'm going to attract something different this
time around. But you're also scared at

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the same time, So you're you're
worried about kind of being vulnerable and sharing

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things about yourself, and so the
very thing that you're hoping to have,

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you're also fearing. And so you're
caught in this like double bind almost and

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you know, I call it the
tug of war within because you'll say,

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why, I want something that's really
trustworthy, but then you're not trusting and

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so maybe like the longevity is affected, right because maybe you just like start

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a relationship really surfacing and you're just
talking about safe topics, or maybe you're

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deflecting and you're asking that person lots
of questions, you know, because it's

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safer. Well, in the end, it's going to crash and burn,

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because because now you set up a
precedent for a relationship that's lopsided, where

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the focus is all on the other
person and not on you, and so

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those can crash and burn, right, And then if there's a lot of

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balance of an exchange that happens and
it's really lopsided. It's one thing we

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didn't talk about in your interview is
these type of relationships are kind of can

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develop into one sided type of relationships. Granted, trust can be eroded in

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those kind of dynamics too. When
it's not a balanced trust based relationship.

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You know, that can be a
resentment that builds up. And we're getting

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into psychology topics here a little bit. I mean, I think it's important

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too to also think about the early
stages too, of dating or any kind

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of a relationship. Really is how
you get through that early stage of like

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you said, walls going up and
people being scared to take a risk or

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to not to know how far to
jump in or disclose too much too fast

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and frighten this other person away or
something right, oh my gosh. Yeah,

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And it shows up in ways that
sometimes you don't even realize, you

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know. I do these dating retreat
programs, and one of the classes that

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I have is getting over your dating
fears. And there's kind of five top

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dating fears, and you know,
like one is fear of rejection and the

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other one is fear of abandonment.
Like we all have these like core fears

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that also correlate with the trust,
right, But then when we have a

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relationship that makes that fear true,
that just again adds to that fear and

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the quality relationship. Like I had
people come to me all the time it's

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like, oh, you know,
all I see are unavailable, emotionally unavailable

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mint and my question is always back
to them after doing a little deep dive,

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Well, how emotionally available are you? Right? I mean, and

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what is I mean, let's talk
about this. What is an emotionally unava

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hoable person? Right? Is it
just a person that that just can't trust

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anything? I mean, how far
down that rabbit hole does that go if

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a person just feels that way?
Yeah, I mean we could get like

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really into psychobabble here. It probably
well too so well we already are they

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um, But that's how I roll. And I liked to have fun with

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it too, just to kind of
put it in layman's terms that it can

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go pretty deep. Like I mean
to the fact where guy was working with

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a client, for instance, I'll
just give you like a because I like

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talking in stories. It just makes
sense where her she grew up with a

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father who was emotionally unavailable, and
he had some narcissistic tendency. So lo

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and behold, she kept attracting those
kind of guys in her life. Now

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you think, does that happened?
I mean, how do you keep a

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trying is it? Because that's what
you're looking for, those kind of characteristics.

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Just okay, I'm going to use
a psychological term on you. Just

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with just one, maybe maybe there'll
be two. And here there's a principle

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called the familiar charity principle, meaning
that our brain has a funny It's like

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a computer. We always default back
to what we know good, batter and

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different. And so if you grew
up in that kind of home where a

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father was emotionally distant and I'll define
that in a second, but it's familiar

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to you, so then you attract
people who has that similar feel And it's

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the brain's way of trying to have
a corrective experience. I used too,

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an experience that feels like okay,
I can work through this, like this

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time it's going to be different.
But in the end, it's the same

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guy, different costume, as I
always say it, and people are left

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with why did I get here?
And so that's where the real work comes

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in, because the truth of the
matter is you can't change other people like

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she couldn't change those guys. She
was going to keep encountering them. She

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was going to be attracted to them. The work came from within, and

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when you change things about yourself,
that's when you get a different result,

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because that's how you have control over
right, I forgot said so many times

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that people attract what they're familiar with
based on how they were raised, especially

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women. They tend to attract to
other guys that are familiar to them based

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on maybe what they experienced with their
father or something like that. And if

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they had a good relationship with their
father, I guess it could be bad

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too, but that's what they tend
to gravitate to her. I've always been

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fascinated by, well, how does
a person find that whilst relationships start from

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a two person kind of being attracted
to each other, so there must be

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characteristics of that that bring people together. Those are commonalities and interest right.

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It's just fascinating to me that people
will gravitate towards relationships with people that have

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proven to be bad kind of connections
for them in the past, but they

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keep going back to them over overgain
Well, it is, and it's like

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a groundhog day, you know,
letter set out works right and even Yeah,

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and actually it's it's not just women, it's it's men too, because

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I work with loath men and and
we all have patterns that are recognizable if

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you track all the way back in
time. And that's why, like,

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when I work with people, I
like, I don't think there's a cookie

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cutter approach one size fits all,
you know, when it comes to helping

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people like overcome trust issues, because
to your point, like, we all

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have our journeys and our stories that
shape us in different ways. So it's

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like figuring out, well, what's
true for you and how can you go

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about things a little bit differently?
So if you can think of it more

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like, it's not like you're intentionally
seeking out unavailable people. It's like,

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oh, there's one I think I'll
right exactly, that's the dysfunctional guy that

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I was looking for. Right,
where have you van, I've been searching,

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Hi, I'm drawing for you.
Here you are? No. I

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mean, everyone goes in with good
intentions, But when I work with people,

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I do something called data dating,
and they have to collect certain data

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on people as they're dating with out
getting attached or into a relationship, so

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they can really keep their eye on
the ball of certain patterns that they're getting

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attracted to, you know, because
it starts from the minute you say hello.

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It's so interesting because I always say, like, if you want to

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change the story, you have to
go back to the script and change the

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beginning of the story. So you
know, so let's say, like with

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this woman, for instance, she
kept attracting unavailable people. That goes back

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full circle to what we were talking
about trust, because she was so used

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to not having a voice, not
sharing her feelings, doting on other people

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because growing up she had to dote
on her father and try to get his

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attention, and she basically was like
the caretaker, the dancing monkey, anything

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to try to get his love.
Right, so when she meets a guy,

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she's gonna lead with that, right, She's gonna lead with paying attention

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to him, making him feel good, not not expressing what she needs,

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not setting boundary. So we had
a reverse engineer that we say, well,

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what if you showed up as Queen
Bee and you demanded more for yourself

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and you express your needs and desires, and then you get to see if

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he responds to that where she's like, why you know, that was like

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so foreign to her, But that's
exactly why she kept finding herself with these

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guys. So that's why I'm saying, like, when we talk about trust,

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it's like that chicken and egg thing, like which comes first? Is

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it you not trusting or the other
person not trusting you? It's it's both

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because we're setting up dynamics, and
so all you can do is like shift

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some things and first understand where the
trust issues come from and put strategies in

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place to override them. It really
is like a computer. And that's why

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nowadays I call myself an authentic dating
strategist more than a coach, more than

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a therapist, because I just believe
as we get older, we just need

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strategies to override bad habits. So
you're becoming a human artificial intelligent. I

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am, but I'm I'm much more
fun, I shall say. And I

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also we're just really smart and savvy
these days. They think a lot of

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people have done work on themselves and
they're just ready for the action step.

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You know, I have a lot
of people come to me and say,

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oh, I've been through therapy and
I've done the work. I'm like,

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well, intellectually you have, but
have you put it into action? Correct?

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I have you've done that? Yeah? Yeah, Because I mean I

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think it's an interesting question what are
the practical steps that a person can take

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to foster trust with others? But
it's like you've expressed here, it's just

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so complicated. It's like, you
know, where do we where do we

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start? Sometimes? I mean because
people, everybody, you know. I

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know myself, I have baggage for
why past and lie bias for what I

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like, but I also have been
able to step back from this and say,

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well, I want a different outcome
or I want a different kind of

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life, and I want to do
something, experience something different than what maybe

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I've had in the past based on
my experience. Right, So maybe these

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little things that we experience in our
life kind of shape a new direction that

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we go. But fundamentally it's all
based on fostering trust in the world around

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us. I mean, we're all
really, I think, naked to the

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world when it comes right down to
it. I think a lot of us

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try to hide and you know,
shield ourselves from reality. But success doesn't

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come from them, no. And
also that's why I feel like we're all

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feeling isolated too more, to be
honest, because we're all the world,

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Watts is all of us isolated?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's another

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topic. Zoom calls. Yes,
yes, the two D format and rather

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personal connection. And I think that
in itself feeds the distrust, you know,

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because the more we get used to
being isolated, the scarier it is

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to then try to connect and open
ourselves up for whatever that is that we

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fear. Well, we're being out
of practice doing it. Yeah. I

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mean, I know during the pandemic, you know, locked away in I

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Hold for like three years, it
didn't exactly foster life skills or interpersonal relationships

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short and Zoom calls, oh my
god, yes, right, So you

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know I got a little rusty too. That's why I've been so excited about

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getting back out at events again.
Let's be able to keep working on those

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skills. Okay, but that's the
name of the game. It's like it

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all boils down to action, practice, repetition, consistency. Because you asked,

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like, what are the steps.
I mean for each person that's going

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to look differently, But I think
the universal things that you can do is,

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you know, number one start small, because I think that can also

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be really overwhelming. Like when someone
says to you, we'll just be more

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confident, just just just trust,
just trust, It's like, well,

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what does that mean? Like if
I could do that, I would do

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that on my own and and I'd
find this to be true. When a

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00:17:52.680 --> 00:17:55.039
lot of people come to me there's
like find me a man, find me

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a woman, I'm like, well, let's break that down and see,

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like what are some skills that you
need to do in order to get that.

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So I like starting with like tangible, small things that people can do

250
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to add up to the bigger trust
because it's not going to happen overnight,

251
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and to try to think of it
and just manifest it is overwhelming, and

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quite honestly, you'll be disappointed because
you'll just sit there and like, well,

253
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why I am am? I not
trusting what you're not doing? So

254
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when you when you really just focus
on little things, and that's why,

255
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you know, like with my clients
going online and learning just to talk to

256
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the opposite sex again and not get
like into always this my boyfriend or girlfriend,

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just like learning to trust that not
all guys are creeps and not all

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women are bitches. Sorry if I
don't know if I can say that here,

259
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but like this is no but but
this is where we get we get

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caught up in is that we're so
scared and then nobody's approaching anybody, and

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so we're at a stalemate. But
both women and men and have a responsibility

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and approachability. And so if we
can all just exercise, like you said,

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the social muscle and maybe just say
hi and say, oh, well,

264
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maybe two people rejected me, but
then eight people said hi back.

265
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Well there's evidence but that everybody is
like that, that you can actually trust

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saying hi to the opposite sex,
and that every man is a bad man,

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you know that kind of thing,
right, I mean, if you're

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a guy, you just have to
take a risk, you know, yeah,

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and just be nice and cordial and
be thoughtful and don't act too scared.

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I mean that can also give the
impression that maybe you're lacking in confidence,

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or you're lacking in your ability to
think on your feet, or you're

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scared or whatever, and not necessarily
a way to foster good interpersonal communication.

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So that that kind of stuff,
and I think, like you were saying,

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each situation is so different. Everybody
just has to just step back and

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say, you know, I'm gonna
think of this person. You know,

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I've always heard this phrase said the
past. Is it the best way,

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especially if you're a presenter or speaker, or is it just think of everybody

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in the audiences in their underwear sitting
there? Yeah, you know right,

279
00:20:12.119 --> 00:20:15.799
it's funny, right, so that
kind of disarms you. Or walk into

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a room with a big smile on
your face. You know, I've been

281
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told this for years. Is that
it? You know, especially with podcasting

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and media creating media, is that
you go into what you're doing with a

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smile on your face and it changes
your higher attitude. Now, granted,

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what's your thoughts on that from a
relationship communication standpoint? If a person approaches

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you and they've got a big smile
on their face or they they're so kind

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of like positive, does that scare
away people too? I mean, are

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people like skeptical of people that are
too happy or too smiling or too cheerful?

288
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You think, well, I'll answer
in this way. I think too

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many people are worried about what the
other people are thinking, as in,

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it'll go there they go, right. So here's the thing you can never

291
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do anything wrong. If you're coming
from a place of authenticity, one thing

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that you want, you're doing something
in ways of like something that's not you.

293
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So if you're smiling but you're really
anxious and it comes across a little

294
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creepy, then it's going to be
creepy because if you feel creepy or weird,

295
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guess what they're they're going to do. So it really it comes back

296
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to us. We have that responsibility, dude. I think it comes from

297
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confidence too. If you're genuinely cheerful, I think it's possible to go into

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every situation that you're going into.
And I've been trying to do this in

299
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my old life. Is it's to
go in positive thinking, don't think negative

300
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thoughts, don't think, oh I'm
going to fail. It's the self talk

301
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thing that goes on to that undermines
people and their confidence and their their ability

302
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to feel confident. That they're undermining
themselves, you know, essentially pulling the

303
00:21:52.400 --> 00:21:57.079
rog outum underneath themselves and every situation
then then yeah, people aren't going to

304
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trust people that are giving that impression. I think too. But let's kind

305
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of we want from that slow we'll
talk about situations where trust is broken,

306
00:22:07.039 --> 00:22:10.920
And I know that's a complicated one
and there's no really one answer to this

307
00:22:11.640 --> 00:22:14.839
dilemma of it. What's your thoughts
on rebuilding? I know in a lot

308
00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:18.839
of relationships, once the trust is
broken, it's really difficult to build it

309
00:22:18.839 --> 00:22:22.079
back again, and it may never
come back entirely. But what's your advice

310
00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:26.920
for that people that are coming out
of that experience right where their trust me

311
00:22:26.119 --> 00:22:30.240
just blown up with a nuclear ball
and they're trying to either I don't know

312
00:22:30.279 --> 00:22:34.200
if you come across people that are
trying to heal their existing relationships or if

313
00:22:34.200 --> 00:22:40.920
it's primarily just trying to get beyond
that trust explosion that happened in their lives.

314
00:22:41.000 --> 00:22:41.920
Well, yeah, I mean as
a therapist, they used to work

315
00:22:41.960 --> 00:22:48.039
with people in all different kinds of
situations obviously, so I did help people

316
00:22:48.079 --> 00:22:52.240
who are already in relationships and couples
and that kind of thing. Now I'm

317
00:22:52.319 --> 00:22:57.519
primarily focusing on people in the dating
world who are single, but a lot

318
00:22:57.559 --> 00:23:03.000
of my clients do get into relationships
and there's always going to be hiccups and

319
00:23:03.000 --> 00:23:07.480
whatnot. What I can say about
that is it first of all, depends

320
00:23:07.519 --> 00:23:11.400
on the level of the trust that
has been broken, right, Like somebody

321
00:23:11.799 --> 00:23:18.119
cheating on someone is different than someone
who told one lie and hadn't lied before.

322
00:23:18.319 --> 00:23:22.000
Like there's different levels of things,
right. Then we also take in

323
00:23:22.160 --> 00:23:29.000
things differently based on our own experiences. So you could have one person say

324
00:23:29.079 --> 00:23:33.079
something that might feel like, oh, the trust is broken, but it

325
00:23:33.160 --> 00:23:37.359
has to do with maybe stuff that
went on in the past that doesn't warrant

326
00:23:37.400 --> 00:23:38.960
the trust to be broken. So
like, I think you have to look

327
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at the quality and of what has
happened. So that's the first thing.

328
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The second thing is, you know, in order to repair let's say yourself

329
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and let's say you are getting back
out there and dating after having a horrible

330
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toxic relationship where all trust was broken, it's going to take a minute.

331
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I mean number one, definitely you've
got to do the work. Like I've

332
00:24:03.039 --> 00:24:06.640
had people come to me where that
has happened and they're just trying to num

333
00:24:06.759 --> 00:24:10.559
out by going out there and dating. You know, it's like, oh,

334
00:24:10.599 --> 00:24:14.440
you know, and they're not even
allowing themselves to feel you know,

335
00:24:14.480 --> 00:24:18.720
what happened. So you say,
numb out there are actually going about this

336
00:24:18.920 --> 00:24:22.920
almost like a robotic thing. It
isn't like it's usually coming from a deep

337
00:24:22.000 --> 00:24:26.920
sense of wanting to build a new
relationship. It's more like they feel like

338
00:24:26.960 --> 00:24:30.000
they're going through the motions, is
that what you're don or they want to

339
00:24:30.039 --> 00:24:36.319
feel the high of the courtship,
you know, and feeling great and like

340
00:24:36.359 --> 00:24:41.160
they'll just go after the next thing
and not really take in first of all

341
00:24:41.200 --> 00:24:45.880
what happened and deal with it when
you're doing the work. Like I actually

342
00:24:45.880 --> 00:24:48.440
see this a lot like post divorce, and if something has happened, like

343
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in the relationship, if there was
infidelity or money issues or something that has

344
00:24:53.319 --> 00:24:57.720
happened, a lot of people just
go back out and get into another relationship,

345
00:24:57.759 --> 00:25:02.279
almost like not dealing with that kind
of thing. What I say to

346
00:25:02.440 --> 00:25:06.240
people who are in that state is
that first of all, it's not that

347
00:25:06.319 --> 00:25:11.319
you shouldn't be social or try to
like get back to yourself, but you

348
00:25:11.359 --> 00:25:15.759
also have to do some repair work
for yourself because even in situations where the

349
00:25:15.839 --> 00:25:19.920
trust has been broken by the other
party, you still have a piece in

350
00:25:19.960 --> 00:25:26.319
that and until you take responsibility of
well, what could have I done differently

351
00:25:26.839 --> 00:25:32.319
and what was my piece, then
the cycle will continue, right So that

352
00:25:32.559 --> 00:25:36.319
right so that I think this is
where it all begins and then you know,

353
00:25:36.359 --> 00:25:41.119
once you do the work and you
start recognizing your stuff that you want

354
00:25:41.160 --> 00:25:47.440
to change, then it's again going
back to taking small steps and not feeling

355
00:25:47.480 --> 00:25:48.960
the pressure of like, oh my
god, now I have to trust again

356
00:25:49.000 --> 00:25:52.599
and go date someone and get a
boyfriend or girlfriend. It's like, let's

357
00:25:52.640 --> 00:25:56.880
just talk to the aliens as I
call, like a guy is an alien

358
00:25:56.920 --> 00:26:00.759
to you, or if a woman's
an alien to just just to them and

359
00:26:00.880 --> 00:26:04.640
get used to the opposite sex again, knowing that not everyone's a bad person.

360
00:26:04.880 --> 00:26:10.039
Just maybe build friendships and go to
parties and like get back to new

361
00:26:10.160 --> 00:26:14.160
feeling good, you know. So
that I think there's like definite basic steps

362
00:26:14.200 --> 00:26:17.519
to take, and also time.
The third thing is time. You know,

363
00:26:17.880 --> 00:26:21.440
you can't skip time, you can't
jump over it, you can't go

364
00:26:21.519 --> 00:26:23.839
underneath that. You got to go
right through it and you got to feel

365
00:26:23.880 --> 00:26:27.160
it. You got to feel it
and allow yourself to do that. And

366
00:26:27.440 --> 00:26:33.079
as time goes on, there's certain
time periods where healing is there. And

367
00:26:33.119 --> 00:26:36.839
I always say in a therapist,
I mean, it's not just meet me.

368
00:26:36.920 --> 00:26:41.079
A lot of therapists say this that
when you finally feel that you get

369
00:26:41.119 --> 00:26:45.079
to the place of neutrality, meaning
you don't have that anger towards that person

370
00:26:45.119 --> 00:26:48.319
anymore, or that desire to go
back or win them back. When you

371
00:26:48.359 --> 00:26:52.920
can just look at them or not
have any contact with them and just be

372
00:26:52.000 --> 00:26:56.720
in that neutral state, you know, you've healed. That's interesting, Yeah,

373
00:26:56.720 --> 00:27:00.680
I mean yeah, and that can
take a variety of different time spans,

374
00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:03.880
right, I mean, each person
is different on that. But I

375
00:27:03.880 --> 00:27:07.400
wanted to change gears a little bit
here really quick and just ask you what

376
00:27:07.480 --> 00:27:12.079
are some of the red flags that
you think exist in the dating apps that

377
00:27:12.119 --> 00:27:15.680
are out there today that if you're
a woman or a guy, you should

378
00:27:15.720 --> 00:27:21.440
be looking out for or looking for
and dating appics you're trying to connect with

379
00:27:21.480 --> 00:27:26.039
people, and that's a trust situation
too. Yeah, yeah, especially online.

380
00:27:26.079 --> 00:27:27.839
I mean, so many people are
sick of it, and a lot

381
00:27:27.880 --> 00:27:30.839
of it came from the pandemic because
that's all we could do to meet people.

382
00:27:32.200 --> 00:27:34.440
The reality is there are a lot
of scammers there just are like,

383
00:27:34.599 --> 00:27:38.279
I mean, we can't get around
that, just as they are in real

384
00:27:38.279 --> 00:27:41.359
life. They're scammers in real life. And we were talking about this on

385
00:27:41.400 --> 00:27:47.519
my podcast. There is a larger
concentrated amount of people who have access to

386
00:27:47.559 --> 00:27:49.440
other people, so you're going to
just see it more, I think,

387
00:27:49.480 --> 00:27:53.960
and I'm going to even just broaden
this out because this applies to offline as

388
00:27:55.000 --> 00:28:00.319
well. I think the first thing
that you're looking for is somebody who is

389
00:28:00.359 --> 00:28:04.039
consistent in their communication and kind of
like they say what they mean, they

390
00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:10.519
mean what they say. You're having
exchanges that feel kind of fluid. There's

391
00:28:10.519 --> 00:28:14.440
a pacing that goes on that feels
really safe. I think that would be

392
00:28:14.519 --> 00:28:18.319
another thing to look for. Yeah, what does that look like? Pacing

393
00:28:18.400 --> 00:28:23.039
meaning you don't want things to go
too fast. You also don't want things

394
00:28:23.079 --> 00:28:27.559
to go too long. Meaning if
anybody's like, HI want to meet or

395
00:28:27.640 --> 00:28:32.039
HI want to have sex, or
Hi, I mean you know so and

396
00:28:32.200 --> 00:28:34.359
we laugh. There are situations like
that where it just goes really fast,

397
00:28:34.440 --> 00:28:37.880
like oh, I just want to
meet you right away, and we're in

398
00:28:37.880 --> 00:28:41.400
a different day and age now,
you know. And I always recommend have

399
00:28:41.519 --> 00:28:45.400
a little exchange, see if you
feel emotionally safe and having fun with that

400
00:28:45.519 --> 00:28:48.039
person. And even then the next
step is to go on the phone,

401
00:28:48.160 --> 00:28:52.920
have a zoom date, just kind
of like have an exchange that feels good

402
00:28:52.960 --> 00:28:56.279
and then you can meet them out. Not everybody wants to do that.

403
00:28:56.400 --> 00:29:00.240
But it's certainly a safer step for
some people who had trust issues in the

404
00:29:00.279 --> 00:29:06.039
past or a safety issue too to
some degree. Right totally and seeing if

405
00:29:06.039 --> 00:29:11.000
that they're real, because the bots
are the scammers and all that. They'll

406
00:29:11.039 --> 00:29:12.960
never want to talk to you on
the phone. They'll they'll just disappear,

407
00:29:14.200 --> 00:29:18.039
like that's one of the signs to
look for actually, or you know,

408
00:29:18.079 --> 00:29:22.240
they start writing novels to you and
you feel like it's almost like dear Abbey

409
00:29:22.440 --> 00:29:26.400
letters to you, and there's like
romantic stuff in there, and it's like

410
00:29:26.799 --> 00:29:32.039
but they never want to like text
you or go on the phone or like

411
00:29:32.039 --> 00:29:33.279
see you in real life. And
then they start asking you for money.

412
00:29:33.319 --> 00:29:37.839
Like there's it's so easy to detect
once you get good at it. And

413
00:29:38.039 --> 00:29:41.680
again it all takes practice. But
the other pacing thing, like I had

414
00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:47.000
a woman who she never dated before
and she was in her forties, Like

415
00:29:47.039 --> 00:29:51.720
it was really we were starting from
scratch, and she finally was getting days.

416
00:29:51.720 --> 00:29:55.519
We fixed her profile. She was
looking great. Part of it was

417
00:29:55.559 --> 00:29:57.480
just her image. You know.
I'm an image consultant too, so I

418
00:29:57.480 --> 00:30:00.839
do work with people in their clothes
and how they look and how they market

419
00:30:00.880 --> 00:30:04.839
themselves and she was finally getting traction, but then it was going the other

420
00:30:04.839 --> 00:30:10.079
extreme where these guys were just writing
her writing or writing her and never asking

421
00:30:10.079 --> 00:30:12.680
her out. Like that's also something
that shouldn't happen. You know, there

422
00:30:12.720 --> 00:30:18.279
should be some sort of desire to
connect and whether that is on phone,

423
00:30:18.519 --> 00:30:22.039
text or in real life is what
you should want. And then from there

424
00:30:22.200 --> 00:30:30.559
it's really like collecting data on how
you're feeling and the consistency and people's actions

425
00:30:30.920 --> 00:30:34.480
matching their words. Those are all
things to look for. And building the

426
00:30:34.480 --> 00:30:37.519
trust one of the part of this
too, and I don't think it gets

427
00:30:37.519 --> 00:30:41.200
talked about that that often. Is
I think we've maybe have talked about it

428
00:30:41.200 --> 00:30:45.359
a little bit kind of around it
is the role of self trust, yeah,

429
00:30:45.440 --> 00:30:51.880
and our ability to trust ourselves in
relationships. And how does trusting oneself

430
00:30:51.920 --> 00:30:56.400
affect the ability to trust others in
a relationship. You know, that's kind

431
00:30:56.440 --> 00:31:00.519
of like what one of those kind
of psychological kind of quand raise, right,

432
00:31:00.599 --> 00:31:03.599
But it's an interesting thing. Have
you thought about that or have you

433
00:31:03.839 --> 00:31:07.000
consulted with others on that issue?
Oh? My god, that's everything,

434
00:31:07.039 --> 00:31:11.599
because really when you have trust or
mistrust with someone, often it really has

435
00:31:11.640 --> 00:31:15.400
nothing to do with the person.
It has to do with you and trusting

436
00:31:15.440 --> 00:31:22.279
your ability to trust yourself to have
the right picker or pick a healthy relationship.

437
00:31:22.400 --> 00:31:27.240
Like my clients deal with us all
the time. And guy just actually

438
00:31:27.400 --> 00:31:30.400
caught off the press. I just
got off the phone with one of my

439
00:31:30.480 --> 00:31:34.599
clients before we hopped on here,
and she was really excited about this guy

440
00:31:34.680 --> 00:31:37.920
and and she started, you know, dating him, and I was teaching

441
00:31:37.920 --> 00:31:42.160
her to slow down and really collect
data with this like chemistry analysis that I

442
00:31:42.240 --> 00:31:48.359
had her do and all these other
things, and she started seeing things that

443
00:31:48.519 --> 00:31:52.759
she never saw before. And you
know, this whole time, she was

444
00:31:52.799 --> 00:31:56.200
thinking, well, I don't trust
guys. I don't trust guys. But

445
00:31:56.240 --> 00:32:00.640
then she's like, wow, like
I started getting anxiety with in myself that

446
00:32:00.880 --> 00:32:06.799
am I doing the right thing by
So there was this kind of conversation with

447
00:32:06.839 --> 00:32:10.319
herself. And as she started realizing
that, I'm like on the phone with

448
00:32:10.359 --> 00:32:14.000
her and I said, where's the
anxiety coming from? She's like, you

449
00:32:14.039 --> 00:32:16.440
know, I realized, I'm just
I'm not trusting myself, you know,

450
00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:20.880
Like I think I made the right
decision by letting him go, but I

451
00:32:20.920 --> 00:32:23.119
started getting really anxious that I made
the wrong decision because I'm not used to

452
00:32:23.160 --> 00:32:27.400
this, and I'm like, well, that's good, you broke a pattern,

453
00:32:27.559 --> 00:32:31.119
and so it feels strange. Really, at the core of what you

454
00:32:31.400 --> 00:32:37.240
offer your clients when you work with
someone that's trying to get past this song,

455
00:32:37.519 --> 00:32:39.839
is giving them thought processes that help
them build that self. Druss.

456
00:32:40.559 --> 00:32:45.160
Yeah, part of it is the
thought process. It's really it's three things.

457
00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:47.400
I called them map method. When
I work with people, it's working

458
00:32:47.400 --> 00:32:52.240
on your mindset, it's working on
your approach, and it's working on your

459
00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:57.359
perspective. And when those things shift, that's when you start shifting. Because

460
00:32:57.400 --> 00:33:00.119
it's not just one thing, right, It's not me just telling you go

461
00:33:00.200 --> 00:33:06.000
read this book or go say this
to this person. It's repetition, it's

462
00:33:06.000 --> 00:33:08.039
practiced. That's part of the approach. But you also have to have a

463
00:33:08.079 --> 00:33:15.359
different mindset around it, you know. I My favorite story that I often

464
00:33:15.400 --> 00:33:20.000
tell is this woman she called me
up and she's like, find me a

465
00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:25.119
man. I scoured the earth and
I cannot find him anywhere. And I've

466
00:33:25.160 --> 00:33:30.759
done all the apps. It's the
same guys over and over again. I

467
00:33:30.799 --> 00:33:34.079
have, you know, tried to
meet people in real life. I see

468
00:33:34.119 --> 00:33:37.519
the same guys I go to work
every day. I said, I believe

469
00:33:37.559 --> 00:33:44.759
you. She's like, what,
I believe that you believe that there's no

470
00:33:44.799 --> 00:33:49.519
guys left. He's like, She's
like, well, well, then how

471
00:33:49.519 --> 00:33:53.160
can you help me? I said, well, I quite honestly can't until

472
00:33:53.279 --> 00:34:00.000
you start seeing that there are possibilities, that there are good guys out there.

473
00:34:00.240 --> 00:34:05.359
That's interesting, right, right,
And if you've closed off your lines

474
00:34:05.400 --> 00:34:08.360
of even the opportunity that's out there, yeah, you're not gonna You're not

475
00:34:08.440 --> 00:34:13.159
going to see it. And so
I this the funny ending to this story,

476
00:34:13.239 --> 00:34:15.320
As I said, Look, so
she ends up hiring me. I

477
00:34:15.360 --> 00:34:17.039
said, I just want you to
do one thing before a first coaching call

478
00:34:17.320 --> 00:34:21.639
I always give my clients Homer,
I said, I want you to take

479
00:34:21.679 --> 00:34:25.119
a walk to work like you always
do, same routine, but this time,

480
00:34:25.360 --> 00:34:29.480
I want you to take the blinders
off, and I want you to

481
00:34:30.199 --> 00:34:34.760
look around and notice who's noticing you, in particular men. She's like,

482
00:34:34.800 --> 00:34:38.000
well, I take this routine all
the time. I understand that I'm just

483
00:34:38.119 --> 00:34:44.960
asking you to notice who's noticing you. So she goes, I choose she

484
00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:47.599
comes back because she says, Kimmy, do you voodoodol. I said,

485
00:34:47.599 --> 00:34:51.960
no, I don't have a voodoodol. Want to happen coming really handy right

486
00:34:52.000 --> 00:34:54.599
now? Yeah, I thought,
I do, I'm not that powerful.

487
00:34:54.760 --> 00:34:58.039
What happened? She said? I
did what she said, and I took

488
00:34:58.320 --> 00:35:02.639
the same walk to work and I
know this gentleman sitting on a bench and

489
00:35:02.920 --> 00:35:07.039
I looked back at him like you
directed me, and he suddenly he calls

490
00:35:07.079 --> 00:35:13.119
me over and we had this most
amazing conversation and Kimmy, he asked me

491
00:35:13.159 --> 00:35:17.400
out, and well, Kimmy,
he already had a date with me,

492
00:35:19.000 --> 00:35:25.519
and I really like him. And
that guy ended up being her boyfriend all

493
00:35:25.559 --> 00:35:32.360
because she noticed something different and had
an awareness and had a different mindset of

494
00:35:32.440 --> 00:35:37.280
finding something that she had to believe
in. But then we had more coaching

495
00:35:37.400 --> 00:35:42.039
right to do and how to keep
that thing going. Well, you do

496
00:35:42.119 --> 00:35:45.360
a podcast, it sounds like charisma
is a big part of your philosophy.

497
00:35:45.559 --> 00:35:50.000
So what's it tell us atle bit
about the role of charisma? Oh?

498
00:35:50.079 --> 00:35:53.360
Yeah, that it plays in creating
trust and connection with others. What is

499
00:35:53.440 --> 00:35:57.599
charisma? Is that kind of a
drivative What I was talking about about walking

500
00:35:57.639 --> 00:36:00.639
into the room with a smile on
your face and positive and being kind of

501
00:36:00.800 --> 00:36:05.239
genuine as well, or is there
some other factor of charisma that I'm not

502
00:36:05.280 --> 00:36:08.119
thinking. Yeah, I love charisma. When I was thinking about the name

503
00:36:08.159 --> 00:36:13.079
of my podcast and even just like
what I do with people, I figured

504
00:36:13.159 --> 00:36:17.440
out it really is about charisma because
what charisma is, and this is just

505
00:36:17.519 --> 00:36:22.599
what research has shown, is that
it's a learned behavior. Interestingly, what

506
00:36:22.639 --> 00:36:25.320
I love about that is that means
I can teach it and I have.

507
00:36:25.599 --> 00:36:30.639
I've taught an eighty five year old
woman to be charismatic and pick up a

508
00:36:30.639 --> 00:36:34.559
guide of our all the way down
to a twenty year old like it doesn't

509
00:36:34.679 --> 00:36:37.119
like, it doesn't matter how old
you are, where you are in life

510
00:36:37.440 --> 00:36:43.400
and charisma, how I define it
is a magnetism that just draws people to

511
00:36:43.599 --> 00:36:47.960
you. That there's playfulness, there's
a presence that you exude when you have

512
00:36:49.159 --> 00:36:52.880
that charisma, that energy. It
does allow people to trust you because it's

513
00:36:52.920 --> 00:36:59.760
an inviting type of energy that shows
that you're happy, you're relaxed, you're

514
00:37:00.079 --> 00:37:04.880
lifeful. And guess what characteristics that's
similar to kids, Right, that's true,

515
00:37:04.960 --> 00:37:07.639
we all trust kids, right.
I always say, like you look

516
00:37:07.639 --> 00:37:10.079
at kids who are like four or
five years old. They haven't developed filters

517
00:37:10.119 --> 00:37:14.519
yet. They don't care. If
Johnny sees Betsy in a playground, he

518
00:37:14.559 --> 00:37:16.239
doesn't say, oh, I shouldn't
go over there. I shouldn't I know,

519
00:37:16.360 --> 00:37:21.039
I shouldn't bother. No, he
just goes up in a charismatic way,

520
00:37:21.079 --> 00:37:22.239
said, Hi, what are you
doing? Can I play? They're

521
00:37:22.360 --> 00:37:29.320
naturally trusting people because nothing has happened
to them yet, right, So right

522
00:37:29.840 --> 00:37:32.079
if they're kind of at the early
stages right or there, and they haven't

523
00:37:32.119 --> 00:37:37.480
developed filters, right, they haven't
developed filters. So this kind of blank

524
00:37:37.559 --> 00:37:43.440
slate that's is open and inviting.
And that's why I do think the charisma

525
00:37:43.519 --> 00:37:46.719
can be really just a space where
you can invite people. And now it

526
00:37:46.760 --> 00:37:51.960
can be done in a manipulating way
too. Like what those ex questions and

527
00:37:52.039 --> 00:37:54.159
ask was, how do you do
that in an authentic way? If a

528
00:37:54.280 --> 00:38:00.519
person isn't naturally charismatic, how does
a person become magically isn't at it?

529
00:38:00.119 --> 00:38:04.519
Yeah? I mean, well,
I have a formula that I teach people.

530
00:38:04.559 --> 00:38:08.119
I mean a lot of people don't
realize this charisma quotient is the formula

531
00:38:08.159 --> 00:38:12.199
that I use with all my clients. And that's why it's the name of

532
00:38:12.239 --> 00:38:16.119
my podcast. So there's three pillars
in the charisma quotation. Number one is

533
00:38:16.199 --> 00:38:21.679
what I call style intelligence, meaning
how we market ourselves. Because I'm an

534
00:38:21.679 --> 00:38:27.000
image consultant, I do believe that
you also elicit trust from how you show

535
00:38:27.119 --> 00:38:30.920
up in your clothes, your body
language, your first impressions, your sex

536
00:38:30.960 --> 00:38:37.519
appeal. That all tells a story
about who you are in an authentic way.

537
00:38:37.679 --> 00:38:40.559
It's really putting out your best you
know, like your best self forward

538
00:38:40.840 --> 00:38:44.280
because at the end of the day, and I can safely say this as

539
00:38:44.320 --> 00:38:46.639
a therapist, you could do the
inside job till the cows come home,

540
00:38:46.679 --> 00:38:50.800
and believe me, the inside job
is really important. But if you're not

541
00:38:51.239 --> 00:38:54.599
marketing yourself, then love might pass
you by, opportunities might pass you by.

542
00:38:54.679 --> 00:38:59.480
So you know, once you build
that confidence of putting yourself out there,

543
00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:04.320
it's like direct feedback that you get
from other people. So image is

544
00:39:04.360 --> 00:39:07.119
a powerful I mean, this could
be a whole other episode. Obviously a

545
00:39:07.320 --> 00:39:10.880
powerful thing. So I look at
that. The second pillar is emotional intelligence,

546
00:39:12.039 --> 00:39:14.760
and you know, obviously we all
know that buzzword, but it's how

547
00:39:14.800 --> 00:39:20.559
we express ourselves. It is authenticity, it is vulnerability, it's setting boundaries,

548
00:39:20.719 --> 00:39:24.000
it's allowing people to know how we
feel, but coming from a place

549
00:39:24.039 --> 00:39:28.280
of what we want and not what
others want. So that's a big piece.

550
00:39:28.440 --> 00:39:31.840
Third piece is social intelligence. That's
how we manage in our personal communication

551
00:39:32.880 --> 00:39:37.880
and relationships. And yes, that
includes flirting. So flirting is a big

552
00:39:37.960 --> 00:39:42.480
part of my business. As you
know, I do floor workshops all the

553
00:39:42.519 --> 00:39:45.159
time and people are like, oh, that's so like flighty and superficial.

554
00:39:45.239 --> 00:39:50.159
Now, I think flirting is part
of charisma, you know, and I

555
00:39:50.199 --> 00:39:52.360
can totally you see how that would
be the case, right, totally makes

556
00:39:52.360 --> 00:39:55.760
sense. Yeah, I mean because
it creates a playful atmosphere. I mean

557
00:39:55.880 --> 00:40:00.039
that's kind of what it is,
right, Flirting is being a little playful,

558
00:40:00.159 --> 00:40:05.800
right, and not taking yourself so
seriously exactly exactly, because when you

559
00:40:05.840 --> 00:40:09.000
don't take yourself so seriously and again
you just come from the place of being

560
00:40:09.000 --> 00:40:15.239
present what you want. It builds
the trust factor, really does I mean

561
00:40:15.840 --> 00:40:20.519
that wasn't a button. I don't
know what this Where did that name and

562
00:40:20.599 --> 00:40:23.119
that podcast come from? Right?
Yeah? I think we should have a

563
00:40:23.159 --> 00:40:29.719
podcast, right, Yes, yeah, I mean I agree with you percent,

564
00:40:29.840 --> 00:40:32.119
But what are the kind of the
top things that somebody should look for

565
00:40:32.440 --> 00:40:37.000
in a potential partner as they assess
them. I mean, are they you

566
00:40:37.039 --> 00:40:39.599
know, this charisma thing is one
part of that, but obviously once you

567
00:40:39.639 --> 00:40:44.760
get past the charisma part, there's
an interest in substance, right, Yeah,

568
00:40:44.800 --> 00:40:50.960
what are some of the characteristic behaviors
of starting to unlock that those characteristics

569
00:40:50.960 --> 00:40:54.000
they get beyond the flirting. So
are you talking about in direct relation to

570
00:40:54.199 --> 00:40:58.880
truestability or yeah? I think,
well yeah, and that's the early stage

571
00:40:58.920 --> 00:41:02.039
of one. Can I trust to
go a little further with this passion?

572
00:41:02.159 --> 00:41:06.239
Can I take the next step?
Can I go on a date? Can

573
00:41:06.320 --> 00:41:09.679
I write those kind of practice?
What are the kind of the behaviors that

574
00:41:09.760 --> 00:41:14.760
you should be looking for? Yeah? Well, you know, when I

575
00:41:15.400 --> 00:41:19.559
vindicated, I do this kind of
like data collection, data dating in the

576
00:41:19.599 --> 00:41:22.320
beginning, and there's certain systems that
I have people put in place. I

577
00:41:22.360 --> 00:41:27.519
have this chemistry analysis that I have
them do. We do like negotiables and

578
00:41:27.639 --> 00:41:30.519
non negotiables, you know, to
really take a look at what are the

579
00:41:30.599 --> 00:41:35.880
characteristics that are negotiable in a relationship
and what are the ones that are just

580
00:41:35.960 --> 00:41:39.360
like non negotiable, you know,
and that's really important. It's also looking

581
00:41:39.360 --> 00:41:43.239
at how you feel when when you're
with them, right, and so there's

582
00:41:43.280 --> 00:41:45.840
all these things that you look at. But when it comes to the trust

583
00:41:45.920 --> 00:41:51.239
factor, and especially if you have
trust issues, there are definite, like

584
00:41:51.519 --> 00:41:55.599
key behaviors that you'll see when someone
is not trustworthy. One of the things

585
00:41:55.639 --> 00:41:59.480
I said is do they mean what
they say and say what they mean?

586
00:41:59.639 --> 00:42:05.400
Like do their actions and words match, Because a lot of people, especially

587
00:42:05.400 --> 00:42:09.880
in the first stage, if they
are like players, or they are people

588
00:42:10.159 --> 00:42:15.599
who maybe use charisma in a that's
a good way, which which can happen

589
00:42:15.639 --> 00:42:20.599
a manipulative way, then like your
vision almost gets clouded because you're getting caught

590
00:42:20.679 --> 00:42:23.280
up in that like excitement of it, and they'll talk a good game,

591
00:42:23.559 --> 00:42:28.519
yet their actions don't follow. You
know why, it's really important to have

592
00:42:28.960 --> 00:42:32.639
consistency with dates and just like keeping
your eye on certain things rather than getting

593
00:42:32.639 --> 00:42:37.760
caught up in the like physicality of
it, which often can happen the drug

594
00:42:37.800 --> 00:42:43.960
right, like in that infactuation stage. The second thing is I would also

595
00:42:44.119 --> 00:42:46.960
like look at how that person treats
other people, you know, like when

596
00:42:46.960 --> 00:42:52.679
you're on a date, do they
treat the waiter and waitresses kind? Do

597
00:42:52.719 --> 00:42:58.679
they show interest in other people and
care if they see a kid or a

598
00:42:58.679 --> 00:43:01.199
puppy, Like how do they read
act to it? Like, notice just

599
00:43:01.360 --> 00:43:06.719
how they treat other people. Also, do they ask about you? Are

600
00:43:06.920 --> 00:43:12.360
they interested in you? Right?
Are they genuinely interested to ask thoughtful questions?

601
00:43:12.599 --> 00:43:16.280
Right? And about how you feel? Which is a distinction because sometimes

602
00:43:16.360 --> 00:43:24.039
manipulators will ask questions based on just
knowing where you live so they can manipulate

603
00:43:24.079 --> 00:43:30.199
you. That's a different thing than
really genuinely caring about like how your day

604
00:43:30.440 --> 00:43:35.239
was and how you feel about things. And then actually they remember, they

605
00:43:35.320 --> 00:43:39.039
remember things that you like and dislike
for the next date. So you're looking

606
00:43:39.079 --> 00:43:42.400
for, you know, little things
like that. I mean, there's so

607
00:43:42.519 --> 00:43:45.760
much more. Also, watch for
the people who come on hot and heavy,

608
00:43:45.960 --> 00:43:50.880
you know, like I called tornado
relationship. You know, you get

609
00:43:50.920 --> 00:43:53.800
caught up in a tornado and it's
this like whoo, magical sexual kind of

610
00:43:53.800 --> 00:43:59.679
attraction. And then as soon as
it comes and swoops in, it leaves,

611
00:44:00.119 --> 00:44:02.119
and then you're left with all the
remnants around you. You're like,

612
00:44:02.119 --> 00:44:06.760
oh my god, what has happened? Like, so those hot and heavy,

613
00:44:06.840 --> 00:44:09.519
fast and furious ones are definitely like
a red flat. Those are all

614
00:44:09.639 --> 00:44:14.119
good points. So the last topic
I wanted to talk to you about and

615
00:44:14.159 --> 00:44:20.440
then we can wrap it up is
trust in friendships versus romantic relationships and how

616
00:44:20.480 --> 00:44:23.920
that dynamic works. And we're kind
of in a new phase now where there's

617
00:44:24.159 --> 00:44:28.960
there's other dynamics. It's not just
male female, it's you know, transgender

618
00:44:29.000 --> 00:44:31.480
relationships, there's gay relationships, all
those kind of stuff like that too.

619
00:44:31.519 --> 00:44:37.840
But can we be in true friendships
with the other sex? I mean,

620
00:44:37.880 --> 00:44:39.559
I think a lot of people,
when you ask them that question, will

621
00:44:39.559 --> 00:44:44.719
tell you you can't be friends with
the opposite sex. It's just not possible,

622
00:44:44.920 --> 00:44:47.719
right because it's always going to turn
physical and all this kind of stuff.

623
00:44:47.760 --> 00:44:51.320
I don't tend to agree with that, but there's a lot of people

624
00:44:51.320 --> 00:44:54.079
that have had those experiences like we've
been talking about here, where people are

625
00:44:54.480 --> 00:44:59.679
trust and it's like those type of
things. So there is and I've learned

626
00:44:59.719 --> 00:45:01.679
this too, is it? I
think it is possible to have friends.

627
00:45:02.159 --> 00:45:07.239
I've got female friends that I've known
for thirty four years. Never know,

628
00:45:07.320 --> 00:45:09.880
maybe started out that way many many
years ago as a physical relationship, but

629
00:45:10.519 --> 00:45:15.800
the friendship has persisted for many many
years and it's not gone back there ever

630
00:45:16.079 --> 00:45:20.559
again because they moved on and I
moved on and those kind of things.

631
00:45:20.599 --> 00:45:23.800
But it's kind of interesting to think
about this, especially in the context now

632
00:45:23.840 --> 00:45:29.599
of the changing world that we live
in now that there are gender and sex

633
00:45:29.639 --> 00:45:32.360
and all the stuff like that are
all kind of getting lushed up into a

634
00:45:32.519 --> 00:45:37.800
mix. And I just wonder about
the trust aspects of friendship versus etic relationships.

635
00:45:38.000 --> 00:45:43.239
It is an interesting conversation. And
I also think there's differences in generation

636
00:45:43.800 --> 00:45:47.480
because I see it even with my
kids, you know, the younger generation.

637
00:45:47.599 --> 00:45:52.920
I think trusts having friendships with the
opposite sex way easier than like our

638
00:45:52.960 --> 00:46:00.000
generation, because the expectations of man
and woman were different then than they are

639
00:46:00.039 --> 00:46:06.760
now, and so you know all
those all that baggage that comes along with

640
00:46:06.800 --> 00:46:09.719
that. Oh yeah, Like I
have two sons and they have a ton

641
00:46:09.760 --> 00:46:14.679
of friends who are women, and
they don't think anything of it. They're

642
00:46:14.719 --> 00:46:16.199
like, Mom, they're just friends. Like what, I don't get why

643
00:46:16.239 --> 00:46:20.159
that's like, you know, they
don't they don't even get like why that

644
00:46:20.239 --> 00:46:22.480
would be a big deal to us. Yeah, I mean trust is trust

645
00:46:22.599 --> 00:46:28.159
is trust, and whether we're talking
about a romantic situation, a friendship,

646
00:46:28.360 --> 00:46:30.960
friendship and the opposite sex, same
sex. Like to me, it's all

647
00:46:30.960 --> 00:46:37.239
the same like, but creates trust
in a relationship. Holds true with any

648
00:46:37.360 --> 00:46:42.440
kind of relationship and if you you
know, if that person has your back,

649
00:46:42.480 --> 00:46:46.280
if that person is a good friend, if there's reciprocity in the friendship,

650
00:46:46.320 --> 00:46:52.480
where there's benefits going both ways,
which is also really important. All

651
00:46:52.519 --> 00:46:57.480
of those things is what is more
important to look at versus if it's you

652
00:46:57.519 --> 00:47:00.639
know, male female, you know
that kind of thing. Now, I

653
00:47:00.679 --> 00:47:05.440
do think that actually there's value.
And let's say a woman has been in

654
00:47:05.559 --> 00:47:08.880
toxic relationships with men and she has
been burned with just men in general,

655
00:47:09.280 --> 00:47:15.440
I actually think it's a benefit to
be friends with men, to show that

656
00:47:15.880 --> 00:47:19.840
there are good men and that there
are men that she can trust, and

657
00:47:19.880 --> 00:47:23.840
maybe having just a friendship first would
be an important step for her rather than

658
00:47:23.920 --> 00:47:29.840
jumping into another relationship. So again
it's different for everybody and everybody's journey,

659
00:47:30.159 --> 00:47:34.679
but in the end game is the
same. Yeah, it's interesting, especially

660
00:47:34.719 --> 00:47:38.559
now with people being able to connect
electronically on a global scale, there can

661
00:47:38.599 --> 00:47:44.440
be friendships that happen with people that
are six seven thousand miles away from each

662
00:47:44.440 --> 00:47:47.360
other and still be able to communicate
and be in touch. That's created a

663
00:47:47.360 --> 00:47:53.800
whole different kind of dynamic in relationships
and friendships as well as just the accessibility.

664
00:47:54.079 --> 00:47:58.360
You know, when I was growing
up, I mean, your expectations

665
00:47:58.360 --> 00:48:01.880
of relationships were like your local area, I like, within maybe a five

666
00:48:01.960 --> 00:48:07.840
minute walking Rangel was basically the parameter
that you had to work with because there

667
00:48:07.880 --> 00:48:12.800
wasn't electronuct communication. And now we
have these tools that give us connections with

668
00:48:12.920 --> 00:48:15.559
I mean, I do more calls
with people outside of the United States now

669
00:48:15.559 --> 00:48:19.000
than I do in the United States. So it kind of opened up the

670
00:48:19.280 --> 00:48:22.880
world, but it's also created a
different dynamic around relationships. I think,

671
00:48:22.039 --> 00:48:25.440
oh, it definitely has. And
I think this is also kind of a

672
00:48:25.800 --> 00:48:30.519
good top to end on, is
that no matter what you know, as

673
00:48:30.559 --> 00:48:34.039
you point out in your podcast all
the time about how communication is such an

674
00:48:34.039 --> 00:48:38.239
important factor and trust that there's so
many different forms of communication that that and

675
00:48:38.320 --> 00:48:43.760
itself can break down communication, you
know, and so like there's some people

676
00:48:43.880 --> 00:48:46.360
who like to text, there's some
people who like the phone, there's some

677
00:48:46.400 --> 00:48:51.159
people who like the zoom, you
know, And I think being aware of

678
00:48:51.199 --> 00:48:54.960
how people want to be communicated with
is really important in building a relation step.

679
00:48:55.360 --> 00:48:59.519
Right, there's so many ways now, right, Yeah, there's time,

680
00:48:59.599 --> 00:49:05.280
there's there's instant messaging. There's all
sorts of these different apps that people

681
00:49:05.320 --> 00:49:07.800
are getting involved in. There were
communication app not so with dating apps,

682
00:49:07.800 --> 00:49:13.960
but you know Facebook and Twitter and
all have messaging capability too, So you're

683
00:49:14.000 --> 00:49:17.920
just getting involvarded with people coming in, you know, from their preferred communication

684
00:49:19.320 --> 00:49:22.840
platform. The way people receive those
different messages, like gone are the days

685
00:49:22.840 --> 00:49:27.679
where you just pick up the phone
and callt Like it's almost now intrusive to

686
00:49:27.760 --> 00:49:30.480
do that. The people will be
like, you know, it will be

687
00:49:30.559 --> 00:49:32.760
like why are you calling me?
Yeah, what's wrong? Why are you

688
00:49:32.760 --> 00:49:37.639
calling me? And so it's like
an etiquette thing too. But like look

689
00:49:37.639 --> 00:49:40.599
at that dynamic in itself, Like
what if someone just really missed a person

690
00:49:40.639 --> 00:49:44.599
and they just pick up the phone
and call, and then that other person's

691
00:49:44.679 --> 00:49:47.440
like, why are you calling me? Now there's this weirdness, you know,

692
00:49:47.480 --> 00:49:52.599
but in the relationship. So even
like that is important. And I

693
00:49:52.639 --> 00:49:59.199
also think not being reliant on one
form is important because everything is so tech

694
00:49:59.280 --> 00:50:02.679
driven. If all you're doing is
dming, how can you develop a deeper

695
00:50:02.719 --> 00:50:07.559
relationship with that person? Pick up
the phone asked to me or some mine.

696
00:50:07.679 --> 00:50:09.760
You know, it's also a reason
to be a content creator and a

697
00:50:09.800 --> 00:50:14.239
podcaster or something like the two is
because, right, I've had this experience,

698
00:50:14.280 --> 00:50:17.079
even going back to my sports playing
days when I was playing playing competitive

699
00:50:17.079 --> 00:50:21.320
basketball, is that people knew me, but I didn't know them. So

700
00:50:21.599 --> 00:50:23.920
it kind of puts you in a
little bit of an interesting dynamic. And

701
00:50:24.159 --> 00:50:28.559
that's my life today. So I
do so much medium. I've been doing

702
00:50:28.559 --> 00:50:30.760
it for so long that you know, there's a lot of people out there

703
00:50:30.800 --> 00:50:34.639
that know of me or know me
that I don't even know that are out

704
00:50:34.679 --> 00:50:38.320
there, right, So I get
contacted by people all the time on inbound

705
00:50:38.400 --> 00:50:43.159
stuff, and I'm like caught off
guard because these people cabably know me else

706
00:50:43.199 --> 00:50:45.679
as well as I do because they've
been watching the new media show for the

707
00:50:45.760 --> 00:50:49.079
last five years or something like that. But I don't even know anything about

708
00:50:49.079 --> 00:50:53.079
this person. So I think being
able to communicate like that can put you

709
00:50:53.079 --> 00:50:57.079
a little bit of advantage, but
it could also put you at a little

710
00:50:57.119 --> 00:51:00.440
bit of a risk too that all
these people know about you, and some

711
00:51:00.519 --> 00:51:05.239
of them maybe fraudsters, So you
just don't want to do it. Who

712
00:51:05.280 --> 00:51:09.719
do you trust, wanting to hurt
you somehow, right, and so it

713
00:51:09.880 --> 00:51:12.960
is art and trust. But Jimmy, it's been great to have you on

714
00:51:12.960 --> 00:51:16.079
the show. I appreciate your insights
and your thoughts, and I hope this

715
00:51:16.239 --> 00:51:22.119
was helpful to my viewers on their
journey of trying to understand trust and its

716
00:51:22.159 --> 00:51:27.440
implications. And so how can a
viewer listener of this find you online to

717
00:51:27.480 --> 00:51:31.119
connect with you if they want to
work with you or learn more about you

718
00:51:31.480 --> 00:51:35.079
via your content? Yeah? Well, first of all, thank you for

719
00:51:35.119 --> 00:51:38.079
having me. I'm honored to be
one of your first gut you your first

720
00:51:38.119 --> 00:51:43.639
guest, right, Yeah, Well, something kind of fun since we're talking

721
00:51:43.679 --> 00:51:46.039
about trust. If you want to
if you're single and you want to know

722
00:51:46.159 --> 00:51:50.519
like what kind of dat you are? I have a dating diagnosis quiz that

723
00:51:50.559 --> 00:51:54.519
actually goes into different characteristics of you
as a dater, and trust is one

724
00:51:54.559 --> 00:51:59.960
of them. So I'll you would
just go to Kimmy Seltzer dot com kmm

725
00:52:00.119 --> 00:52:06.639
why Seltzer like the water selt zr
dot com Forward slash quiz and you can

726
00:52:06.679 --> 00:52:08.519
take that and whether you're a man
or a woman, um, you'll get

727
00:52:08.519 --> 00:52:14.039
your answers. And that is my
website Kimmi Seltzer dot com and actually all

728
00:52:14.079 --> 00:52:19.039
my social handles are at Kimmy Seltzer
and of course my podcast Charisma Quotation.

729
00:52:19.199 --> 00:52:21.519
Yeah it's great. Well, thank
you so much, and I can be

730
00:52:21.559 --> 00:52:28.039
found on Twitter at Rob Greenley and
also on LinkedIn and Facebook and all of

731
00:52:28.039 --> 00:52:32.280
the social platforms, or you can
send me an email, Rob dot Greenley

732
00:52:32.320 --> 00:52:35.960
at gmail dot com. I'd love
to hear from you and get your feedback

733
00:52:36.000 --> 00:52:39.920
on these topics and and what we
cover in this program, and we'll cover

734
00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:43.639
it in the next episode because my
next episode it's going to be a solo

735
00:52:43.719 --> 00:52:45.760
cast, so I'm going to talk
about all your feedback that I've gotten um

736
00:52:46.039 --> 00:52:51.320
and answer all your questions and because
a lot of the great topics come from

737
00:52:51.320 --> 00:52:54.920
you and I appreciate you contributing to
the show. And so this is episode

738
00:52:54.920 --> 00:53:00.320
five, So come back and join
me for episode six and locally for me

739
00:53:00.519 --> 00:53:05.440
on one hundred TV network on Mondays
is when I usually put up the next

740
00:53:05.480 --> 00:53:08.519
episode of this program. So thank
you so much, Kimmy, thanks so

741
00:53:08.679 --> 00:53:10.639
much. Okay, thank you very
much.