April 20, 2026

What Healing Actually Looks Like When Its Messy Hard and Real Tiffany Jenkins on Building a Good Life After Addiction

What Healing Actually Looks Like When Its Messy Hard and Real Tiffany Jenkins on Building a Good Life After Addiction

This episode of Quick Before You is literally years in the making. Receipts and all, this is a wild ride you're not going to want to skip. In this deeply honest conversation on Quick Before You Forget, I sit down with New York Times bestselling...

This episode of Quick Before You is literally years in the making.

Receipts and all, this is a wild ride you're not going to want to skip.

In this deeply honest conversation on Quick Before You Forget, I sit down with New York Times bestselling author Tiffany Jenkins to talk about what healing actually looks like when it’s messy, nonlinear, and far from perfect.

We talk honestly and openly about addiction, motherhood, mental health, postpartum depression, and the reality of starting over after rock bottom.

This isn’t a polished success story. It’s the truth. And if you’ve been feeling burned out, lost, or like you’re failing at healing, same.

So take it from us: this one is going to meet you exactly where you are. Because life after addiction, trauma, or burnout is possible. And more importantly, you don’t have to do it alone.

************
If you’ve been following along for a while you already know this wasn’t random.

This was the yellow brick road. Leading us here to this conversation at exactly the right time.

So if you’re wondering whether the pieces of your life are adding up to something, they are.

Keep walking.

THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD (Backstory behind ALL OF THE THINGS)

The OG meetup story in June 2019: https://www.instagram.com/p/BzT-JwKHxAJ/?img_index=1

Gratitude changes everything post in July 2019: https://www.facebook.com/ty.schmidt.9/posts/pfbid02Fv3M8fc9uA1PPWoMG4kVGc9pSS4RjpE8PwmwUi53B4nY83tGp2PMQHpX3MRVdh2Gl?rdid=GbvNty3tVidIQzyV#

"Funny" Jimmy backstory post in July 2019: https://www.facebook.com/ty.schmidt.9/posts/pfbid02jUmW1XAvJUEG8MuAVStE2s9EZbhxh1uAN6Gdt7gpckLoDStzJr9LvVMCzVEVZeZcl?rdid=Zuumxm2auIo0IDd3#

Clean Mess original visceral full body reaction to the subtitle in July 2025 – INCLUDING WHEN I FIRST SAID I WANTED TO HAVE HER ON MY PODCAST (that didn't exist until six months later): https://www.instagram.com/p/DLoQ-KFsaOP/?img_index=1

You don’t have to do it alone reflection in July 2025: https://www.facebook.com/ty.schmidt.9/posts/pfbid0pmKeSsFZWSgSxj7W23Us8yBfR2CdoqddYnbo5JJhV7Bpv6ZFxpZqnm1MhWNS1zWFl?rdid=Nbsjzb5yKGMUzOGj#

My bat signal attempt to ask her to please be on Quick Before You Forget in January 2026: https://www.facebook.com/ty.schmidt.9/posts/pfbid0WMFHBYJcDMSAeXiBCQT7SuAGR9DVxgkorLoACnX9SFCvAym3ady5s1avudSuMxAAl?rdid=49IXu1NfoaEX7zra#

All of our Facebook memories in one place: https://www.facebook.com/profile/125600233/search/?q=tiffany%20jenkins

If My Brain Held a Morning Meeting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7N9r8nVogM8

My sportscaster friend Jason Fitz gets emotional in his episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJIhEX20vLI

Special song spotlight: Alex Warren, First Time on Earth: youtube.com/watch?si=txbl6Sk2Um2CIT0x&v=Aammt9Mvbwk&feature=youtu.be

Quick Before I Forget backstory, initial red threads starting to come together: https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/7589100397415910686

Quick Before I Forget becomes Quick Before You Forget: https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/7592824004096838943 Special song spotlight: QBIF becoming

QBYF ties to The Manuscript by Taylor Swift: “It’s Yours” – This was referenced in my original chapter for the Triumphs of Transformation book (Should I release that somewhere? Would anyone want to read it?) https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/7630580377685363998 Related

Yellow Brick Road Playlists on TikTok

Quick Before You Forget: https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/7562549049761549599

Gratitude changes everything: Joy From the Ground Up: https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/7511812444558314783

Manifesting Connection starts here in 2021 with a post with Tiffany and I: https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/6979381205456243974

Start Today: A RISE Story starts in 2023 with a post from Dave Hollis’ memorial: https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/7204458423688285486

Alex Warren is FIRE: https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/7521198555042712863

Triumphs Book backstory: https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/7426444699239468319

Health and Healing journey: https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/7507472611450817823

Swiftie Love: Just Keep Swift-ing https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/7505601042634132767 and Swifties in Healing https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/7481092834473331999

Let Them: https://www.tiktok.com/@tyschmidtty/video/7429138702149913886

Also everyone needs these Lovisa earrings: https://www.lovisa.com/?ref=tyler2922 Use this code for 10% off! TYLER2893

Meaningful Moments

00:00 – Introduction to Tiffany Jenkins
03:30 – Childhood trauma and losing her father suddenly
07:00 – How childhood impacts parenting
13:00 – Addiction begins and downward spiral
18:00 – Arrest, jail, and more
21:30 – Choosing recovery and rehab journey
23:00 – Becoming a mom in early sobriety
27:30 – Starting “Juggling the Jenkins”
31:00 – Using humor to talk about addiction
36:30 – Life after addiction is possible
37:00 – My personal story (cirrhosis, sobriety, rebuilding)
42:00 – When healing feels impossible
56:00 – “Healing isn’t linear” explained
1:00:00 – Advice for feeling like you’re failing at healing
1:09:00 – The question she wishes people would ask
1:13:00 – If the whole world had to listen…

WEBVTT

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You have made a very worthy human speechless, my friend,

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I'm gonna need to know the story behind the yellow

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brick road sign in your house.

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Yeah. So, my mom was a huge fan of the

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Wizard of Oz, and so every time I hear the

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yellow brick road or anything, I think of her, and

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so I wanted to put it up to commemorate her.

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And so it's just so funny that you brought it

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up and I just happened to have just hung it.

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That's crazy, It's not.

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None of this is crazy because it was all It's

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all happening just as it was supposed to do. I

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believe that one hundred percent, particularly now that you just

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randomly have a yellow brick road sign in your house, Like,

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what are the chances of that?

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That is not normal?

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Tiffany Jenkins, Welcome to quick before you.

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Forget hello, I am so happy to frickin be here.

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I am so happy you're here, and my friends are

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so happy you're here because you know what, you are,

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like a friend to me and a friend to them

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that we've all just never met. And for anybody that

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doesn't know who Tiffany Jenkins is, she is a two

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time New York Times bestselling author, speaker, and one of

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those super rare voices on the Internet who makes you laugh, cry,

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and feel understood all at the same time. When I

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first read the subtitle of her new book, newest book,

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I should say a Clean Mess, A memoir of sobriety

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after a lifetime of being numb, I had a full

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body reaction. I cried because that idea of coming back

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to a life after being numb feels so real so

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many of us, including me. Tiffany has this way of

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telling the truth in a way that makes you feel

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less alone, and today we're diving into what healing actually

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looks like when it's not neat, tidy or tied up

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in a bow. She's been such a good friend to

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me and to you, and her being here with us

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today is a dream come true. Tiffany, I'm so grateful

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you're here.

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Holy cow, that was such a beautiful intro. Thank you

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so much for saying all those nice things.

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Well, it's all true.

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I appreciate it so much. I think you're amazing, and

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I love the name. Here's the thing to have it

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show up in my inbox, saying quick before you forget,

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and then having a calendar invite attached to it while

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asking the question was a dream come true. And if

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every person in my life from now on could communicate

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with me that way. Just I don't know if there's

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a correlation, but the quick before you forget, it's like

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you knew who I was. It's like you've probably asked

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me once back in you know, twenty nineteen to be

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on your podcast, and I'm just now getting the email,

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and here I am, and I'm so grateful to be here.

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And I am a hot mess obviously, that's why I'm here.

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It's not a hot mess.

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And friends. She's referencing when we met in twenty nineteen.

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So Tiffany and I met in person at a meet

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and greet at her book event for High Achiever, which

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was her first book, and we met in Milwaukee, Wisconsin,

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and we had the most kismet moment where I walked

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up to her and she completely took me off guard,

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and literally the first thing out of her mouth was

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you're so pretty. And I was like, uh, and she said,

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you're not going to say it back, well, dick, to

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which I say, you're so pretty. No, You're not a dick.

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You're so pretty, you know, just took me six years

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to say it back, and I'm sorry for that.

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But ah, thank you. I've been waiting, I know.

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I mean, I know, I'm so sorry that's such a

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long wait. But you know I share, I know, we

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share this belief that our story is our superpower. So

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what I'd like to kind of do today a little

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bit is walk through your past, your present, your future

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a little bit, starting with a story from your childhood

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that shaped who you are today.

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Whoa fun and traumatizing. I just realized at first it

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sounded fun. Then the other memories came in and I'm like, oh,

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that definitely shaped me.

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Two things can be true.

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Oh my gosh. I'm in DBT therapy and I'm learning

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that as we speak.

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Look at that, let's work, throw it together.

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Okay, perfect. So for me, I think something that really

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shaped my childhood was probably when my parents got divorced.

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Because I was my sister and I were eating an

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after school snack that my mom had made, which was

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so crazy because like she never made snacks, Like there

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was always snacks, but usually she'd be sleeping when we

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got home because she worked overnight, so we would get

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her own stuff. So the fact that there was like

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a setup was wild and suspicious, and I remember it

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being suspicious and we were eating and suddenly the police

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bursted through the front door, and we're like where is he?

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And I looked at my mom and I'm like, oh,

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de hall are they talking about? Like should we get

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out up here? Like who's here? What do you mean?

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And freaking' they've ran. I just remember their footsteps bounding

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up and down the stairs, and then they came down

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with my dad and we're looking on We just started

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crying and I was looking at my mom like why

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isn't she saying anything? And she wasn't saying anything. And

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I remember being so like confused about her not saying anything.

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And I remember watching him comforting us as we were

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he was leaving, and from that he never came back.

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We didn't see him for a while. I don't know

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what happened, but then my parents were just divorced. He

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just never came home. He just the life as I

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knew it just was different. And that was how it

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was different. It's like he was violently removed from us

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and ripped away from my childhood, is how it felt.

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And so he struggled with alcohol and drugs. Also all

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throughout my life, I've come to learn. But you know,

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we'd go to hang out with them. We went to

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the fair once and these people pulled up on a

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golf cart, and he went to talk to them and

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came back and was like, I'm gonna go have dinner

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with these gentlemen and I'll be back. And I was like, okay,

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weird timing, But and then his girlfriend started screaming and

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freaking out and crying and rushing us out of the fair.

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And it's like I knew that he always was taken

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away all the time, and that with him it wasn't

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safe and stable, and with my mother it was and

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she was doing the best that she could at the time.

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But yeah, man, I obviously was never the same after that,

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because everything began to feel temporary. Everything that I started

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looking at things and being like, holy shit, that could

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go away at any moment, you know, if my whole

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lass parent could go away at any moment, like this

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toy that I love could definitely go away at any moment.

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And then I started coveting things and still to this day,

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like I can if my kid draws more than a

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circle on a piece of paper, like, I can't throw

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it away. It's really nuts. I'm such a I don't know,

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I hold on to everything because of that.

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Well, you kind of answered it a little bit, but

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I'd like you to go a little deeper, because I

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thank you for sharing. The vulnerability with you is always

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real and I appreciate that. And I want to know

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how did those experiences when you were a child impact

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how you parent and how you want to parent, because

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I know that those are two those can be two

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different things sometimes, and I just want to be conscious

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and respectful of how it's always harder to be the

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parent that you want to be. So can you talk

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a little bit about how that's impacted you as a parent,

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but then you know how that impacts how you want

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to be as a parent.

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Absolutely, when my dad left, it was just my mom

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and she was a bartender, and so she would work

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all night, and she would sleep all day, including like

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in the morning before school and after school. When we

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get home, she'd still be asleep, and the house would

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often be filthy to the point where, like I would

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go to one time, this is a humiliating story, and

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you know what, I don't even want to tell it

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because I feel bad because all my parents have died since,

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and I don't want to say anything that makes it.

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She tried her best, She did the best she could,

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but you know, we kind of grew up in a

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situation where the house wasn't super clean all the time.

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And I just had an incident the other day where

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my daughter brought her friend in and they wanted ice

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cream and she was like, can wear the bowls? And

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my boyfriend was like, just wash one. And I became irate,

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like irrationally irate, and had to storm upstairs. And I'm like,

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do you know how humiliating that is, you know, to

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be the house in the hoa neighborhood where you have

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to wash a bowl if you want food, like, And

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it really like affected me in a way because I

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desperately don't want my children to grow up that environment,

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you know, where the kids can't come over, you can't

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have friends over, you know. But naturally, as a person,

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I can see how easily that happens. I can see

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how freaking simple it is to get backlogged, to get behind,

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and to want to just like right now, if you

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walked in my house, you'd be like, oh you oh okay,

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So that makes sense that you grew up that way,

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Like it's just nuts right now? If so? Anyway, that's

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my biggest fear. So because of that, Like I'm constantly,

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like obsessively like running around picking step.

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Up, Like why aren't you guys packing step up?

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You know, I can't be like my mother's house, get it.

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And it still affects me daily because I want different

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for them. I also, you know, want to be present

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and be there when they get off to school and

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in the morning and when they come back from school

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because I didn't have that. I was very much a

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latchkey kid. But the problem is I'm so effing exhausted

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all the time that I find myself snooze in all

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the time. Even you know, we're sitting on the couch

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together and there's a minute where I can close my

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eyes like I'll take it, and I'm like, God, this

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is the same thing. I'm repeating the same thing. Is

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this okay? This feels like therapy? Was this a trick?

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I what's going on here?

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Now?

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I've never talked about this ever in any ever podcast.

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I don't think people are gonna find clips of me

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talking about it seven times and be like you liar,

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but I truly don't recall ever speaking about this publicly.

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Tiffany, thank you, because I have unlocked a gift in myself,

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I think, and I can admit it out loud because

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I have had that happen multiple times, including with a

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sportscaster who I respected Meyer and I'm honored to call

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to a friend. Call a friend. His name is Jason

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Fitz and he was episode five, I think, and he

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cried like a sports guy. He started crying. He said,

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t I've told this story seven times. I don't know

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why I'm losing it. And I think what matters is

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you're talking to somebody who you might feel safe with.

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And I see that as one of the highest honors

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that a person can have. So I'm thankful and grateful

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that you feel that way. And it's not weird at

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all to me that you would feel like a little

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bit like therapy, because you know what I want to

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do on this show, and like my whole purpose behind

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what I'm trying to build with this show is to

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provide a space where people can come and share their story,

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which I think everybody's story is valid, everybody's story matters,

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And because I know that people feel seen in true

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life stories, and you know there's people that feel seen

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and what you've just walked us through, and I'm grateful

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that you shared it. So I'm feeling like I want

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to apologize, but I also wanted to be like, no,

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it's totally fine. You're just you're just you're just we're family,

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right like, you're you're safe. You're safe here. So yeah,

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that's that's a good thing. And I want to tell

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you because one of the one of the tools in

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my tool belt for building my life from the ground

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up has been music. So I wanted to encourage you

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to please go listen to Alex Warren's song First Time

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on Earth if you haven't heard it yet, because you

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need that song in your life because it talks about

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how you know, he had his mom was an alcoholic

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and he has grown to appreciate the parenting she could do.

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And I think that it's important for you to hear it,

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as you know, as a child of your parents, but

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then also as a parent to your kids, because you

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know they'll see you someday and they'll know you know,

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they'll understand more someday about why you were the way

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you were and why you parented, the way you parented,

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and why you were so tired. So let's talk. I

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guess a little bit more about the being tired stuff

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because it's legit, and I know it ties into a

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little bit of the depression, anxiety and the mental health

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stuff that we've walked through. So to the extent that

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you want to, and I know that this is a

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long and loaded answer, so take your time to the

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extent that you want to. For the like three people

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on this planet who have been living under a rock

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for the last ten years and don't know more about you,

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can you just kind of, like readers, digest your journey

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from that little girl who watched her dad get escorted

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out of her house to today as in as best

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you can, because, like I said, I know that there's

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a lot there and the people are going to have

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to read these two books to learn more about all that.

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But before that, give them the cliff notes version.

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Okay, absolutely, I am. So I went on to my

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mom married a police officer, like less than a year

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later than that. I'm pretty sure maybe it was a

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little bit longer, but she went on to marry a

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police officer, which was so crazy because it was obviously

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the opposite of what I had been used to with

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my father. So suddenly there was rules, things were strict,

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things were rigid. You know, everything had a place, and

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there was a lot. Well listen, we're not going to

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get that deep. But I'm like, it made me a

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perfectionist and a people pleaser, and I just hear his

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voice in my head all the time, every time I

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put something down. But I became a cheerleader, and then

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I became captain of the cheerleading squad and most valuable cheerleader,

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and so you know, I excelled at that. So I

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was getting lots of positive attention. Everything was wonderful. And

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then I had my first sip of alcohol my senior

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year of high school after a game one night, and

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everything changed. I ended up dropping out of school like

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three months later and discovering a life of drugs and alcohol,

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and my parents were very confused. I didn't give a crap,

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and my life spiraled until two thousand and nine when

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my mom got lung cancer and passed away five months

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later at age forty six or forty seven, super young,

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and I had been dabbling with drugs at that point,

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but then so I checked myself into a rehab because

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I found out I was getting a trust fund from

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her death, and I knew that I would spend that

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money killing myself. So I went to rehab. I wasn't ready,

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I was defiant. I was like, what do you mean?

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I can't smoke weed? Weeds? Now? My problem. My problem

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is these little weird pills I just discovered. And I

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thought I could, like, Scooch, do you want this to

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be conversational or me to just run a trap the

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whole time? Because I want to do it right.

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Honestly, I want people to know your story. So however

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you feel comfortable sharing it it's more conversational, or whether

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you just want to talk is fine. I'm it doesn't

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matter to me. I just I think that I think

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that there are you know, there are humans out there

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who only know Tiffany Jenkins as the jug the funny juggling,

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the Jenkins skit girl, and like you're so your story

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has so much more to it. So that's why I thought,

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you know, it would be helpful for them to know.

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Of course, so if you ramble, go ahead and ramp,

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It's okay. You're safe here.

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Remember, yes, absolutely, thank you. And also I've held back

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from saying it three times and I'm still healing, so

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I have to say it. But I am. There's going

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to be many people who have no clue who the

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F I am, And so you've been talking about me

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in such a way that is so flattering and amazing,

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But then the there's a side of me who's like

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you better set people's expectations, you know what I mean.

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So I just want to make sure everybody knows, like,

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I know that I'm not that cool as she's making

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me sound, and I know that you probably might not

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know who the F I am, and that is something

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I said out aloud to make myself better. So anyway,

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doing drugs, went to rehab by the way as one does,

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and I got out of rehab, and immediately, like as

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soon as I got out of rehab, I went and

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bought ingredients for my favorite drinks to celebrate leaving rehab

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because truly, like, none of this other stuff was my issue,

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I thought, and I was doing really great staying away

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from you know, my drug of choice, which was opiates

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at the time, and something I didn't even realize you

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could actually get addicted to because doctors give them to you.

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I thought street drugs were things you could get too.

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I didn't understand. Yeah and sorry, So anyways things I

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met a police officer and that's when things went south.

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Because I was quote unquote sober and hadn't done my

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drug of choice yet. I thought, oh, this is perfect,

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this is exactly what I need in order to stay

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on track, because I remembered the stability and structure that

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he had provided for us and my mother. So I

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began dating him and ultimately ended up relapsing and hiding

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my addiction from him for about two and a half

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years until I was arrested and charged with very many

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felonies and gun charges, and that was my rock bottom.

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And then what happened so much.

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I just needed a breather because it just gets crazier. Ah,

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that's take.

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All the breathers you needed, because I think the number

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of felonies was twenty, and from what I saw on

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the internet, right.

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Yes, yes, around between seventeen and twenty, some of them

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were dropped, so ultimately the end number was much less,

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thank goodness.

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So when she says it's a lot, it's a lot.

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It was twenty and I had never been in trouble

351
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so to go zero to twenty is crazy? And is that?

352
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Can you hear that noise in the background. My boyfriend's

353
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alarm is going off and he sleeps through them, and

354
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so I want to.

355
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Actually hear it. Have to know your microphone's working, but

356
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it's not picking that up.

357
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Okay, perfect, drugs quick before I forget? Well what was

358
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I say?

359
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Okay, so you were taught you were we were at

360
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rock bottom? Oh, perfect, that's where we were, and so

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I've all been there. I mean that's the thing, Like

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you say rock bottom and you're like, that's my rock

363
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bottom and then you needed a second, like you needed

364
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a bump, like a break, and I'm oh, yeah, that's

365
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that's I get it.

366
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Yeah. So I it was three days in jail that

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I was like, Okay, the reality of this is too much.

368
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I am born in a broken body. I was never

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meant to be a grown up. This is too much.

370
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I can't I can't deal with it. I actually tried

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to end my life on my third day in jail,

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and they saved me. And I was very angry that

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they saved me because I was like, how who, how

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could you decide I have to stay here and go

375
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through all the motions and do all this stuff. Are

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you gonna live inside my body and do everything for me?

377
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If not, how dare you bring me back and force

378
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me to do that? Like it felt like an assault

379
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to be saved. And I remember them taking me to medical,

380
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stripping me of all my clothes and my glasses and everything,

381
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and me still trying to end it like I wasn't done.

382
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I remember leaning over the toilet and try. You know,

383
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I don't want to get too dark, but I was

384
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begging and the officers to hit me with their metal thingies,

385
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like I just I needed the pain to end. I

386
00:22:07.160 --> 00:22:10.519
could not deal with it. The physical withdrawal combined with

387
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the reality of the life that I created for myself

388
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was just too much. So they put me in a

389
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suicide watch and that's where I detoxed from drugs. And

390
00:22:22.200 --> 00:22:27.920
it was insane. It was horrible. It was horrific. But

391
00:22:28.079 --> 00:22:33.640
then my father visited me on Christmas in jail, which

392
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Christmas sucks in jail, if anyone's wondering, and he told

393
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me that he was sober himself and that he would

394
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always love me no matter what, and there was nothing

395
00:22:50.079 --> 00:22:54.519
I could do that would change that, essentially, and having

396
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that love when I couldn't love myself. They knew want

397
00:22:59.720 --> 00:23:03.200
to change, and that was when I started writing the

398
00:23:03.279 --> 00:23:07.480
judges and begging to go to rehab. And I went

399
00:23:07.519 --> 00:23:10.559
and spent six months in rehab where I wanted it.

400
00:23:10.640 --> 00:23:14.119
This time, I dove in head first. I learned how

401
00:23:14.160 --> 00:23:16.640
to live a life without drugs, and I moved into

402
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a halfway house. And that was right when I met

403
00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:27.359
a cute boy at rehab and immediately got pregnant by

404
00:23:27.400 --> 00:23:28.119
him accidentally.

405
00:23:29.960 --> 00:23:37.039
Yay, friends, I had the I had the advantage of

406
00:23:37.079 --> 00:23:41.200
knowing that was coming, so I was prepared with my

407
00:23:41.799 --> 00:23:47.559
with my yays, that's so funny, because we need the levity,

408
00:23:47.640 --> 00:23:48.279
you know, like, and.

409
00:23:49.799 --> 00:23:55.519
Then what happened, Well, then I rode my bicycle over

410
00:23:55.519 --> 00:23:58.880
to his halfway house and told him it wasn't my bicycle.

411
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I borrowed it from the roommate. I couldn't afford a bicycle.

412
00:24:04.599 --> 00:24:07.720
So I went and told him the happy news. I

413
00:24:07.799 --> 00:24:15.279
need you to know that we had only been it

414
00:24:15.279 --> 00:24:17.400
had been less than it was the first time we

415
00:24:17.440 --> 00:24:20.480
slept together. I got an overnight pass. So to have

416
00:24:20.519 --> 00:24:22.599
to tell him this news while he has a two

417
00:24:22.680 --> 00:24:30.000
year old already was like so awkward dude. Anyway, we

418
00:24:30.039 --> 00:24:34.319
decided obviously to get married immediately after only knowing each

419
00:24:34.359 --> 00:24:37.200
other for five months. So we got married even though

420
00:24:37.240 --> 00:24:39.480
we lived in separate half way houses, and we took

421
00:24:39.680 --> 00:24:43.359
public transportation back to our designated half way houses after

422
00:24:43.400 --> 00:24:49.039
the wedding and worked really hard on our recovery and

423
00:24:49.119 --> 00:24:52.559
saved up money and then moved in together right before

424
00:24:52.599 --> 00:24:55.480
I gave birth to my son, who was born on

425
00:24:55.519 --> 00:25:00.720
my birthday. Yeah again, And he was six months old

426
00:25:00.759 --> 00:25:06.000
when I found out I was pregnant again. Yay, what's

427
00:25:06.000 --> 00:25:14.359
it like? My daughter was born sixteen months after my son,

428
00:25:15.039 --> 00:25:17.920
and that was when his four year old from a

429
00:25:17.960 --> 00:25:21.279
previous relationship came to live with us full time when

430
00:25:21.359 --> 00:25:21.960
my daughter was.

431
00:25:21.880 --> 00:25:26.400
Two weeks old. There's so much more to the story.

432
00:25:26.920 --> 00:25:30.720
And my boys are sixteen months apart, which I say

433
00:25:30.880 --> 00:25:34.599
was God's plan, not my plan. And as somebody that

434
00:25:34.920 --> 00:25:40.119
doesn't have Irish twins but also didn't have twins, sixteen

435
00:25:40.160 --> 00:25:43.920
months apart is like twins, Like I like, people don't understand.

436
00:25:43.960 --> 00:25:45.799
They're like, well, they're almost it's like it was almost two.

437
00:25:46.799 --> 00:25:48.160
No. Yeah.

438
00:25:48.160 --> 00:25:52.200
The thing about it's like having two small babies literally,

439
00:25:52.680 --> 00:25:55.440
So how did you navigate that, like with this new

440
00:25:55.480 --> 00:25:59.279
family and the new situation, like cause I know that

441
00:25:59.559 --> 00:26:01.720
you know, I mean, I kind of know the answer,

442
00:26:01.759 --> 00:26:03.480
but you talk us through it.

443
00:26:06.559 --> 00:26:12.880
Not super awesome. I actually I developed postpartum depression. Not

444
00:26:12.960 --> 00:26:15.920
that it was anybody's fault or situational or anything like that.

445
00:26:16.039 --> 00:26:18.680
It just so happened to be like a bonus prize

446
00:26:18.720 --> 00:26:24.960
with the birth of my kid. And it was tough

447
00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:29.359
to go from being a single person in a halfway

448
00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:33.160
house to a married mom of three. And it was

449
00:26:33.240 --> 00:26:35.400
so overwhelming that there was a day I was gonna

450
00:26:35.599 --> 00:26:38.240
fake my kidnapping. I'm not joking. I was literally That's

451
00:26:38.279 --> 00:26:40.680
why when I hear in the news, like these people

452
00:26:40.680 --> 00:26:44.400
finking their kidnapping, like, is it effed up in a waste? Yes?

453
00:26:44.839 --> 00:26:45.480
Do I get it?

454
00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:45.880
Hell?

455
00:26:46.119 --> 00:26:47.640
Yeah, I get it.

456
00:26:47.839 --> 00:26:49.119
Yeah it is.

457
00:26:50.039 --> 00:26:53.680
I felt so trapped because, Okay, I couldn't complain about

458
00:26:53.920 --> 00:26:57.279
motherhood because I didn't want him to regret choosing me

459
00:26:57.559 --> 00:27:00.440
as a lady to marry and have his children. I

460
00:27:00.440 --> 00:27:02.839
couldn't ask for help because I didn't want him to

461
00:27:02.839 --> 00:27:05.920
think I couldn't handle it. And I couldn't talk to

462
00:27:05.960 --> 00:27:08.920
my friends about how miserable I was because they all

463
00:27:08.960 --> 00:27:12.279
looked so thrilled and happy with their little bundles of joy,

464
00:27:12.920 --> 00:27:15.960
and so I just isolated. I'm like, I am a monster,

465
00:27:16.920 --> 00:27:20.079
Like I would dread going to bed at night because

466
00:27:20.079 --> 00:27:21.839
it meant waking up the next day and having to

467
00:27:21.880 --> 00:27:23.839
take care of the kids. Like I did not handle

468
00:27:23.880 --> 00:27:26.359
it well. It was really bad. And then one day

469
00:27:26.359 --> 00:27:31.759
I called my guynecologists and I was like, I just

470
00:27:31.759 --> 00:27:34.559
want to let you know that I am. I decided

471
00:27:34.559 --> 00:27:38.119
to resign as a mother, and I'm going to go

472
00:27:38.160 --> 00:27:40.160
ahead and leave these kids in the crib and I'm

473
00:27:40.200 --> 00:27:42.000
going to run out in the woods. And I just

474
00:27:42.039 --> 00:27:46.920
wanted to let somebody know. And they're like, you need

475
00:27:46.920 --> 00:27:51.680
to come in immediately. And they got me in immediately,

476
00:27:51.759 --> 00:27:56.640
I mean an emergency appointment, which was unexpected, and they

477
00:27:56.680 --> 00:27:58.319
had the conversation with me like they'd had in a

478
00:27:58.319 --> 00:28:01.599
million times and said I had postpartum and started getting

479
00:28:01.599 --> 00:28:04.799
help for myself, started getting help for my daughter, who

480
00:28:04.960 --> 00:28:09.880
bt Dubbs had a dairy allergy, colic and acid reflux

481
00:28:09.960 --> 00:28:13.160
all at once. Then I don't care how good of

482
00:28:13.200 --> 00:28:15.680
a parent you are. When a child is screeching at

483
00:28:15.680 --> 00:28:17.519
you from sun up to sundown. It's going to be

484
00:28:17.640 --> 00:28:19.960
really tough to bond with that baby. It's going to

485
00:28:20.039 --> 00:28:23.039
be really hard. And that was something that I struggled with.

486
00:28:24.720 --> 00:28:29.519
And you love those kids like you love them so much,

487
00:28:29.599 --> 00:28:33.599
and being a mom has you know, there's this there's

488
00:28:33.640 --> 00:28:36.440
this thing with growing up on the internet right like

489
00:28:36.480 --> 00:28:41.400
you you know, it's We've gotten to watch you make

490
00:28:41.519 --> 00:28:47.039
choices that show that you love your kids so dang much.

491
00:28:47.559 --> 00:28:51.319
So at some point on this journey of the down

492
00:28:51.440 --> 00:28:54.240
and the sad and the hard things, you found your

493
00:28:54.279 --> 00:28:56.720
way to the internet sharing a lot about it, like

494
00:28:57.880 --> 00:28:59.279
bridge that gap for us.

495
00:29:00.240 --> 00:29:04.720
Yes, So I started on the internet right after my

496
00:29:04.759 --> 00:29:08.799
guynecologists actually suggest that I start writing about what was

497
00:29:08.839 --> 00:29:11.079
going on in my head to help get it out

498
00:29:11.079 --> 00:29:14.039
of there. And so I was like, because I take

499
00:29:14.079 --> 00:29:16.039
things to the extreme all the time. I was like,

500
00:29:16.319 --> 00:29:20.000
I'll see you're writing about my issue, and I'll raise

501
00:29:20.079 --> 00:29:25.559
you one entire blog because blogging at the time was

502
00:29:25.599 --> 00:29:27.519
a thing. And I remember my sister calling me and

503
00:29:27.559 --> 00:29:30.680
being like, have you seen these blogs? These moms are

504
00:29:30.759 --> 00:29:33.200
just writing about what motherhood is like and dah da

505
00:29:33.279 --> 00:29:35.960
da da da, and it's always so perfect and stuff

506
00:29:36.400 --> 00:29:40.680
and like recipes and how to be an amazing you know,

507
00:29:41.400 --> 00:29:44.319
wife to your spouse and all the shit. And I'm like, dude,

508
00:29:44.319 --> 00:29:48.680
that's crazy because that's not what's going on over here.

509
00:29:49.480 --> 00:29:51.839
What is happening.

510
00:29:53.480 --> 00:29:56.680
What core you fixed it? You're fixing it.

511
00:29:57.319 --> 00:30:01.440
So I said, we can't be having that. I genuinely

512
00:30:01.480 --> 00:30:05.519
though in that moment, I realized how fed up I was, right,

513
00:30:05.720 --> 00:30:10.359
so quote unquote how effed up I was. So I

514
00:30:10.440 --> 00:30:16.400
was like, oh, man, okay, I am failing. Actually there's

515
00:30:16.680 --> 00:30:20.720
nobody that looks like me, and I have to do

516
00:30:20.759 --> 00:30:24.839
something about that immediately. And so I started juggling the Jenkins,

517
00:30:24.839 --> 00:30:27.960
which is where the effing name comes from, because everybody

518
00:30:28.079 --> 00:30:33.160
was due doing, like, you know, balancing the Bailey's and whatever.

519
00:30:33.400 --> 00:30:36.720
So I was like, juggling the Jiggins. That's perfect. And

520
00:30:36.759 --> 00:30:39.160
by the way, it's not perfect because it would just

521
00:30:39.200 --> 00:30:45.640
be Jenkins's. Juggling the Jenkins is is what it would be, right,

522
00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:50.440
But I'm not good at grammar, so juggling the Jenkins

523
00:30:50.240 --> 00:30:55.160
it does. It's like jug anyway, It's fine.

524
00:30:55.519 --> 00:30:59.680
Nobody seen to mind. Yeah, so I don't know, did

525
00:30:59.680 --> 00:31:01.880
you get people were the grammar police after you?

526
00:31:02.359 --> 00:31:05.079
Not once, which is so crazy because now they will

527
00:31:05.119 --> 00:31:05.559
be near.

528
00:31:05.880 --> 00:31:07.359
I know, we pointed it out, so.

529
00:31:07.799 --> 00:31:09.880
Yeah, I'll be like, I don't even know who Jenkins

530
00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:13.200
is anymore. I don't even that's not even my name.

531
00:31:13.400 --> 00:31:15.400
I've thought about it too, I've thought about poor guy,

532
00:31:15.640 --> 00:31:18.039
like he's just trying to get the hell away from me. Okay, wait,

533
00:31:18.119 --> 00:31:25.119
I'm skipping ahead. Sorry. Yeah. So I started making when

534
00:31:25.160 --> 00:31:27.759
I started putting myself out on the internet my real stuff.

535
00:31:27.839 --> 00:31:31.839
So many moms were like, oh my gosh effing thank you,

536
00:31:32.720 --> 00:31:35.680
and I was like, no, dude, what, thank you? I'm

537
00:31:35.680 --> 00:31:41.839
not alone, seriously, like I it was the people, the

538
00:31:41.880 --> 00:31:47.279
supporters telling me like, hey, it's a nightmare over here too, lady,

539
00:31:47.279 --> 00:31:50.960
You're not alone that made me realize, holy shit, okay,

540
00:31:51.000 --> 00:31:54.480
I'm not a monster, I'm not a psychopath. This is normal.

541
00:31:55.079 --> 00:31:57.480
And it was only because other people were brave enough

542
00:31:57.519 --> 00:32:01.799
to say, you know me too, you no punitent, you

543
00:32:01.839 --> 00:32:07.880
know whatever, that I realized I wasn't alone and that

544
00:32:07.920 --> 00:32:10.039
really inspired me. So then I opened up even more

545
00:32:10.079 --> 00:32:14.000
and started talking about jail, and that was when things

546
00:32:14.079 --> 00:32:18.279
really took off because at the time it was very

547
00:32:18.359 --> 00:32:23.839
much like an addiction anonymous, and at the time it

548
00:32:23.920 --> 00:32:28.000
wasn't super prevalent for people to be coming online and

549
00:32:28.039 --> 00:32:33.960
breaking their innanimity and saying I'm an addict, you know, publicly,

550
00:32:34.119 --> 00:32:36.079
not that it wasn't happening, because of course it was

551
00:32:36.119 --> 00:32:39.960
surely happening. That's how I got inspired, I'm sure. But

552
00:32:41.359 --> 00:32:43.680
once I started putting that stuff out there, the amount

553
00:32:43.759 --> 00:32:49.599
of people who's gratitude like opt a level, like when

554
00:32:49.640 --> 00:32:54.880
I thought it couldn't get any more supportive. And that

555
00:32:54.960 --> 00:32:56.240
was when I was like, Okay, this is what I'm

556
00:32:56.279 --> 00:33:00.480
supposed to be doing. And that was how everything started.

557
00:33:00.519 --> 00:33:03.400
And I just started literally saying anything that popped into

558
00:33:03.440 --> 00:33:08.240
my brain on the internet. And that's what you know.

559
00:33:10.279 --> 00:33:13.480
It's hard too, probably a little bit, because you know you,

560
00:33:16.079 --> 00:33:18.640
I feel like you're I don't know how to say it,

561
00:33:18.680 --> 00:33:23.240
but like the there's no fear, but yet like you

562
00:33:23.359 --> 00:33:27.000
still take things very like they're very real to you.

563
00:33:27.039 --> 00:33:29.559
When some like you get like the rage comments, the

564
00:33:29.599 --> 00:33:32.839
hate comments, like girl talk to.

565
00:33:32.839 --> 00:33:37.640
Me, Oh man, I can't listen. That's so true. It's

566
00:33:37.680 --> 00:33:40.079
so true. I'm like, everybody makes me feel great. And

567
00:33:40.480 --> 00:33:43.279
then I'll cry about comments it's so bad to the

568
00:33:43.279 --> 00:33:45.599
point where I can't read them anymore. I will check

569
00:33:45.640 --> 00:33:47.720
the comments as soon as I post it, just to

570
00:33:47.759 --> 00:33:52.160
make sure there's no like nips lips or anything crazy

571
00:33:52.200 --> 00:33:54.319
in the background, you know what I mean. Someone's like,

572
00:33:54.640 --> 00:33:58.559
you have a dead body back there? Okay, yeah again,

573
00:33:58.720 --> 00:34:04.359
and I shoot so I God, I always make stupid

574
00:34:04.440 --> 00:34:06.640
jokes and then get very derailed and forget what I

575
00:34:06.680 --> 00:34:07.000
was saying.

576
00:34:07.720 --> 00:34:09.880
Oh yeah, well here, I'll get us back on track

577
00:34:09.920 --> 00:34:13.119
with a actual There's a video on the internet that

578
00:34:13.159 --> 00:34:15.840
I shared of yours where you responded to a comment

579
00:34:15.880 --> 00:34:19.320
you got on your High Achiever book tour. So there

580
00:34:19.400 --> 00:34:25.400
was a fella named Jimmy Gough, Yeah, you know, the Jimmy,

581
00:34:25.920 --> 00:34:28.360
and he had a thought. And I don't want to

582
00:34:28.400 --> 00:34:30.400
say anymore because you remember. I was ready to tell

583
00:34:30.440 --> 00:34:32.280
you more, but you remember, So tell me tell it,

584
00:34:32.320 --> 00:34:36.039
walk us through the Jimmy question and how you responded

585
00:34:36.079 --> 00:34:37.000
to it and why.

586
00:34:37.440 --> 00:34:40.000
I don't want to miss quote Jimmy though, because in

587
00:34:40.039 --> 00:34:43.199
my mind he cussed me out and he did a whore.

588
00:34:43.719 --> 00:34:45.880
Well it was it was a different word, but we

589
00:34:45.880 --> 00:34:47.960
don't need to we don't need to go there. It

590
00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:52.039
was he called you a bad word and said this addiction, yes,

591
00:34:52.360 --> 00:34:54.679
and hashtag addiction isn't funny?

592
00:34:55.480 --> 00:34:59.840
Yeah, that's right. Came to my live show and said

593
00:34:59.840 --> 00:35:01.440
it addiction isn't funny.

594
00:35:01.119 --> 00:35:01.840
To heckle you.

595
00:35:02.639 --> 00:35:07.840
Yeah, that's right, and I there's my phone. I've been

596
00:35:07.880 --> 00:35:09.360
looking all over for it.

597
00:35:10.159 --> 00:35:10.480
Yay.

598
00:35:11.039 --> 00:35:13.800
I'm so sorry. This is relliant. Where is it?

599
00:35:14.440 --> 00:35:17.599
No, it's okay. I think I honestly don't think that

600
00:35:17.639 --> 00:35:20.440
people that are watching this would expect anything different from

601
00:35:20.440 --> 00:35:21.119
our consocration.

602
00:35:21.800 --> 00:35:22.400
No, don't, don't.

603
00:35:22.719 --> 00:35:27.559
I can't hear you. I'm not kidding. I was panicking.

604
00:35:28.039 --> 00:35:30.199
I was panicking before this podcast because I'm like, well,

605
00:35:30.199 --> 00:35:32.239
hopefully she doesn't need me to reference my phone because

606
00:35:32.239 --> 00:35:34.719
it's gone forever into the ether. I can't find it.

607
00:35:34.800 --> 00:35:36.239
Oh wait, I'm glad we found it.

608
00:35:36.519 --> 00:35:39.719
Yeah, that was so obnoxious. I apologize.

609
00:35:40.320 --> 00:35:43.679
Jimmy fucking Jimmy, fucking Jimmy.

610
00:35:44.000 --> 00:35:54.800
Um hold on. Uh yeah. So basically, he came to

611
00:35:55.039 --> 00:35:58.000
a comedy show about addiction and said, addiction isn't funny,

612
00:35:58.039 --> 00:36:01.480
and I just reminded him, like, it's not funny. It's

613
00:36:01.519 --> 00:36:06.239
not funny in any way. People are dying every day,

614
00:36:06.920 --> 00:36:09.079
and it's because they feel like they can't come forward

615
00:36:09.079 --> 00:36:11.639
and talk about their addiction. It's because they feel shame

616
00:36:11.719 --> 00:36:15.239
and guilt and because there's people like you Jimmy out

617
00:36:15.280 --> 00:36:20.440
there who make people afraid to come forward by talking

618
00:36:20.440 --> 00:36:25.199
about their truth. But if I am making people laugh,

619
00:36:25.800 --> 00:36:30.079
they tend to listen more. And so if I can

620
00:36:30.280 --> 00:36:33.599
make it's not that I'm making fun of addiction. It's

621
00:36:33.599 --> 00:36:36.280
that I'm using humor to bring awareness about a subject

622
00:36:36.280 --> 00:36:39.519
that people feel weird talking about. And hopefully if they're laughing,

623
00:36:40.159 --> 00:36:41.280
it means they're listening.

624
00:36:43.079 --> 00:36:46.039
And life after addiction is possible. Like that was I

625
00:36:46.039 --> 00:36:48.079
think one of the other things you said in your

626
00:36:48.119 --> 00:36:51.519
response to him was that life You know, people need

627
00:36:51.519 --> 00:36:52.400
that reminder too.

628
00:36:53.039 --> 00:36:53.239
Yeah.

629
00:36:53.280 --> 00:36:55.679
I actually have that printed on a plaque because of

630
00:36:55.719 --> 00:36:58.079
how somebody printed that out for me, because of how

631
00:36:58.079 --> 00:37:00.880
often I say it. Life after a day as possible,

632
00:37:00.920 --> 00:37:06.000
an amazing, beautiful, super cool life after addiction is possible,

633
00:37:06.000 --> 00:37:08.400
and there's no such thing as a lost cause it's

634
00:37:08.480 --> 00:37:12.239
never too late to start over. It's really not. And

635
00:37:12.280 --> 00:37:14.079
if I can do it, anybody can do it, and

636
00:37:14.960 --> 00:37:17.960
Jimmy can go f himself. I'm just kidding. I didn't

637
00:37:18.000 --> 00:37:18.599
say that you.

638
00:37:18.480 --> 00:37:19.079
Can count that.

639
00:37:19.360 --> 00:37:23.000
I apologize. I didn't say that to him.

640
00:37:23.119 --> 00:37:26.960
Well, I want to use this opportunity to share something

641
00:37:27.000 --> 00:37:30.719
that I've been holding back on because I feel like

642
00:37:32.320 --> 00:37:36.199
people need to be aware that stories like yours and

643
00:37:36.239 --> 00:37:39.079
sharing and talking about it as openly and vulnerably and

644
00:37:39.119 --> 00:37:43.719
transparently as you have can have a ripple effect in

645
00:37:44.079 --> 00:37:47.719
very real lives, in very real ways. So, without going

646
00:37:47.760 --> 00:37:51.760
into like a crazy amount of detail, you know, I

647
00:37:52.119 --> 00:37:54.800
shared with our friends here that I met Tiffany at

648
00:37:54.920 --> 00:37:58.239
a show in twenty nineteen, and it was right after

649
00:37:58.760 --> 00:38:01.800
I had attended a conference called Rise with Rachel Hollis,

650
00:38:01.840 --> 00:38:05.239
and I was feeling so fired up and so good

651
00:38:05.280 --> 00:38:09.000
and so ready to start this amazing new fresh life

652
00:38:09.239 --> 00:38:12.360
of all all the things. I mean, without going into

653
00:38:12.400 --> 00:38:15.719
too much detail, just I was very optimistic about the future.

654
00:38:16.480 --> 00:38:19.800
And then I got very, very sick. And the sickness

655
00:38:20.119 --> 00:38:23.039
had everything to do with my own struggle with alcohol.

656
00:38:23.159 --> 00:38:29.320
I couldn't cut alcohol out. I also snuck alcohol and

657
00:38:29.400 --> 00:38:33.280
hid it from my husband for years after. It was

658
00:38:33.280 --> 00:38:36.400
for me. It was a coping strategy. So after I

659
00:38:36.440 --> 00:38:39.079
lost my dad super early at twenty three, he was

660
00:38:39.119 --> 00:38:42.960
forty eight, and I didn't I did not cope well,

661
00:38:43.760 --> 00:38:46.599
drank way too much, and I was young, so I

662
00:38:46.679 --> 00:38:48.880
was in that era of like the partying, and like

663
00:38:48.920 --> 00:38:51.280
the friends were, you know, thinking they were being helpful

664
00:38:51.280 --> 00:38:54.039
by getting buying the rounds of shots, but really I

665
00:38:54.079 --> 00:38:56.079
was just getting It was getting worse and worse and worse.

666
00:38:56.159 --> 00:38:59.719
And you know, I had I got diagnosed at thirty

667
00:38:59.760 --> 00:39:02.239
five years old. Since I've met since I met you,

668
00:39:02.480 --> 00:39:04.960
I got diagnosed at thirty five years old with cirrhosis

669
00:39:05.960 --> 00:39:10.079
and told that I would need a liver transplant probably soon.

670
00:39:11.719 --> 00:39:14.119
And then, oh my gosh, I thought sorosis was a

671
00:39:14.159 --> 00:39:18.960
skin condition. I'm so stupid crisis psoriasis. So sorosis is

672
00:39:19.000 --> 00:39:24.360
the liver, like liver failure. Yeah that's not good, dude, No, no,

673
00:39:24.440 --> 00:39:24.719
it was.

674
00:39:24.760 --> 00:39:26.880
It was very bad, and it happened during COVID. It

675
00:39:26.920 --> 00:39:29.320
was super scary. So I was in the hospital twice

676
00:39:29.760 --> 00:39:33.519
for a combined total of sixteen days, and then I

677
00:39:33.599 --> 00:39:37.639
went to I was on the mend, but I had

678
00:39:37.840 --> 00:39:40.119
I looked pregnant, like I looked like nine months pregnant.

679
00:39:40.840 --> 00:39:43.320
And it's because I had a condition called Assiet's, which

680
00:39:43.360 --> 00:39:46.119
happens when you have as bad of liver problems as

681
00:39:46.159 --> 00:39:48.599
I had. So you know, it's actually part of why

682
00:39:48.639 --> 00:39:50.760
I named the show Quick Before you forget because I've

683
00:39:51.000 --> 00:39:53.800
originally was going to name it quick before I forget,

684
00:39:53.960 --> 00:39:57.079
because my doctors when I was really sick told me

685
00:39:57.360 --> 00:40:03.199
that I would probably forget a lot soon. They were

686
00:40:03.239 --> 00:40:06.559
surprised at how cognitively able I was based on how

687
00:40:06.639 --> 00:40:09.039
bad my body, how bad of shape my body was in.

688
00:40:09.639 --> 00:40:11.960
So this happened in twenty twenty one and twenty twenty two,

689
00:40:12.840 --> 00:40:15.280
and for me, I don't actually know, and I still

690
00:40:15.360 --> 00:40:18.239
was dabbling. I was still sneaking alcohol at certain points

691
00:40:18.239 --> 00:40:21.599
in there, making it all worse. And there was a

692
00:40:21.639 --> 00:40:24.760
point though, where I was getting wheelchaired out of my

693
00:40:25.159 --> 00:40:29.800
second procedure to surgically remove fluid from my stomach. So

694
00:40:30.320 --> 00:40:33.559
I'd had two procedures to surgically remove a total of

695
00:40:33.559 --> 00:40:38.440
eleven liters of fluid from my stomach and I was

696
00:40:38.440 --> 00:40:41.199
being wheelchaired out because I couldn't walk, and they at

697
00:40:41.199 --> 00:40:43.639
that point said that that was a procedure that would

698
00:40:43.679 --> 00:40:48.239
be needed weekly, and I was like, you know what,

699
00:40:49.119 --> 00:40:51.599
that's it, Like I'm done, and I don't I don't

700
00:40:51.599 --> 00:40:53.360
know exactly what my you know, we talk about like

701
00:40:53.400 --> 00:40:55.519
sobriety dates and stuff. I don't know when mine was.

702
00:40:55.920 --> 00:40:58.079
But for me, like in my head, it was that

703
00:40:58.239 --> 00:41:00.679
day because I said, no, that's enough, I'm not doing this.

704
00:41:00.840 --> 00:41:05.320
I'm not doing this weekly. And since then, obviously there's

705
00:41:05.360 --> 00:41:07.679
been some time. There's been some hard work, some prayer,

706
00:41:08.159 --> 00:41:11.840
and a lot of attention to what I consume content wise,

707
00:41:11.840 --> 00:41:15.440
So content like yours and other content that uplifts and

708
00:41:15.519 --> 00:41:18.800
empowers and helps you, you know, inspires rather than pulls

709
00:41:18.800 --> 00:41:21.079
you down. I've been very conscious about all of that,

710
00:41:21.199 --> 00:41:24.280
and I'm super super excited and very grateful to share

711
00:41:24.320 --> 00:41:27.199
with you very long story short that I now you know,

712
00:41:27.199 --> 00:41:30.519
I've lost eighty pounds, I've got twenty inches off of

713
00:41:30.559 --> 00:41:34.000
my waist, and I am in many ways happier and

714
00:41:34.039 --> 00:41:36.559
healthier as a forty year old than I was at

715
00:41:36.599 --> 00:41:39.760
twenty five. So that has a lot to do with

716
00:41:39.880 --> 00:41:46.159
people like you sharing your story. And it's messy, amazing

717
00:41:46.239 --> 00:41:49.719
glory with the world because people like you sharing your

718
00:41:49.760 --> 00:41:53.000
story like that has an impact. And I wanted to

719
00:41:53.079 --> 00:41:57.000
like kind of level set there with you because you're

720
00:41:57.079 --> 00:42:00.000
funny and I love it, and I know that jokes

721
00:42:00.039 --> 00:42:03.800
sometimes like offset the hard things, you know, for on purpose,

722
00:42:04.280 --> 00:42:07.159
but I'm just so grateful and and then that takes

723
00:42:07.199 --> 00:42:09.519
me kind of full circle because there was there was

724
00:42:09.559 --> 00:42:13.119
a post that I resonated with back in twenty nineteen

725
00:42:13.199 --> 00:42:16.280
actually where you actually said the words like gratitude changes everything.

726
00:42:16.559 --> 00:42:18.440
And then you even mentioned a couple of times in

727
00:42:18.480 --> 00:42:21.639
this conversation we've had about being grateful and gratitude. And

728
00:42:22.159 --> 00:42:24.440
that's why I'm That's why when I say this is

729
00:42:24.480 --> 00:42:27.519
a dream come true, this conversation, it's not not just

730
00:42:27.559 --> 00:42:29.480
because you're amazing and I you know, a big fan

731
00:42:29.519 --> 00:42:32.360
of your work, but because I have this, I've been

732
00:42:32.400 --> 00:42:34.960
given this gift of actually being able to say, just

733
00:42:35.039 --> 00:42:37.480
to a hero of mine, thank you.

734
00:42:40.519 --> 00:42:50.880
Gee wow, ah uh, you're welcome. First of all, I'd

735
00:42:50.920 --> 00:42:53.880
like to make sure you know how freaking welcome you are.

736
00:42:55.440 --> 00:42:58.559
I am truly honored to be a part of your journey.

737
00:42:58.559 --> 00:43:01.119
And it's so funny because I'm being all the way

738
00:43:01.159 --> 00:43:04.039
honest right now with like the season that I'm in,

739
00:43:04.559 --> 00:43:08.480
hearing that feels like you're talking about somebody else, Like

740
00:43:08.599 --> 00:43:14.039
there's this version of me right now is so not

741
00:43:14.519 --> 00:43:19.079
accepting of that information. Like it's so hard to believe

742
00:43:19.480 --> 00:43:22.440
that somehow I could have impacted you in that way,

743
00:43:22.559 --> 00:43:26.480
because in this season I'm having trouble getting my own

744
00:43:26.599 --> 00:43:29.800
but up out of bed and you know, going through

745
00:43:29.840 --> 00:43:34.679
the motions and doing life. So this is an incredible

746
00:43:34.679 --> 00:43:37.719
reminder for me that like, this is not this version

747
00:43:37.760 --> 00:43:41.280
of me is not who I am, you know, and

748
00:43:41.320 --> 00:43:43.639
that it's not who I'm going to be forever. That

749
00:43:43.719 --> 00:43:47.400
this is just a season that I'm going through. I

750
00:43:47.400 --> 00:43:50.000
can only assume so that one day I can help

751
00:43:50.039 --> 00:43:52.920
other people who are in a similar season. Maybe I'm

752
00:43:53.159 --> 00:43:55.719
hoping that that's what the reason is that I'm going

753
00:43:55.719 --> 00:43:59.079
through this stason right out like it's such a crappy season.

754
00:44:00.199 --> 00:44:02.719
It's not. It's a great That's the thing. The way

755
00:44:02.760 --> 00:44:06.280
that I'm viewing the season is through a very crappy lens.

756
00:44:06.320 --> 00:44:09.960
It's not that the season itself is crappy, because truly,

757
00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:12.360
if I were to look at it objectively, everything is

758
00:44:12.519 --> 00:44:16.079
freaking amazing. I have the love of my life. My

759
00:44:16.199 --> 00:44:19.800
children are healthy and thriving. My family is bigger than

760
00:44:19.840 --> 00:44:24.599
I anticipated, but more love in the home than I

761
00:44:24.599 --> 00:44:28.719
could have dreamt. I have vehicles that get me places.

762
00:44:28.760 --> 00:44:31.320
I don't have to use my legs, you know what

763
00:44:31.360 --> 00:44:34.280
I mean, Like there's technology that exists. You're in your house.

764
00:44:34.599 --> 00:44:36.360
I'm in my house, and we're getting to talk and

765
00:44:36.400 --> 00:44:38.400
hang out with our friends. I don't know, like, things

766
00:44:38.440 --> 00:44:44.440
are really great, but my inability or refusal to see

767
00:44:44.559 --> 00:44:48.039
them for what they are is what gets me into

768
00:44:48.119 --> 00:44:50.519
so much trouble all the time. It's almost like I'm

769
00:44:50.559 --> 00:44:53.840
more comfortable with my curmudgeon glasses on.

770
00:44:55.159 --> 00:44:57.239
Well, let me remind you then of a quote that

771
00:44:57.360 --> 00:44:59.440
is actually your quote that is one of my favorite

772
00:44:59.480 --> 00:45:02.320
quotes of which is a flicker of hope in one's

773
00:45:02.320 --> 00:45:07.039
heart is capable of lighting the path to a new destiny.

774
00:45:07.519 --> 00:45:12.280
You said that, I know that this feels very weird

775
00:45:12.400 --> 00:45:13.280
right now.

776
00:45:13.000 --> 00:45:15.559
But it makes me wonder like, and maybe we need

777
00:45:15.599 --> 00:45:17.559
to have this reminder, like maybe we need to talk

778
00:45:17.599 --> 00:45:20.440
through this stuff. And I'm not you know, you said

779
00:45:20.440 --> 00:45:22.599
like before it I felt a little bit like therapy.

780
00:45:22.679 --> 00:45:25.480
And I don't think I'm gonna apologize for that, because

781
00:45:25.519 --> 00:45:27.599
there's that's all. That's a good thing.

782
00:45:27.800 --> 00:45:30.119
I wasn't complaining. I just think you're really good at it.

783
00:45:30.199 --> 00:45:32.360
I thought you were a therapist or something.

784
00:45:32.719 --> 00:45:35.199
Well, I do have a master's degree in clinical psychology,

785
00:45:35.239 --> 00:45:37.920
and that does come across more frequently than I think

786
00:45:37.960 --> 00:45:41.400
I realized. But also, where has your and this is

787
00:45:41.440 --> 00:45:43.480
a good thing, like this is good, Like, let's talk

788
00:45:43.599 --> 00:45:46.360
through it together, because I can't dig I can't dig

789
00:45:46.400 --> 00:45:48.119
you out of the hole. Only you can do that.

790
00:45:48.320 --> 00:45:53.320
But where has your hope led you from twenty nineteen to today,

791
00:45:54.000 --> 00:45:56.559
and where do you want it to lead you in

792
00:45:56.599 --> 00:45:57.119
the future.

793
00:45:57.840 --> 00:45:59.719
I'm going to absolutely answer this, but I just want

794
00:45:59.760 --> 00:46:02.760
to tell you that was such a flex what you said.

795
00:46:04.480 --> 00:46:07.000
I'm like, this feels like therapy. You're like, well, I

796
00:46:07.039 --> 00:46:10.559
am a clinical psychologist and I have a master's degree

797
00:46:10.599 --> 00:46:15.159
in brains, so that might be like that was a flex, dude,

798
00:46:15.159 --> 00:46:18.199
because I didn't know that about you, and so my

799
00:46:18.440 --> 00:46:20.840
dumbass is like, oh my god, this feels like therapy,

800
00:46:21.000 --> 00:46:23.400
and you're like, well, I am the creator of therapy.

801
00:46:24.800 --> 00:46:29.079
That makes sense that you would feel that way, which.

802
00:46:28.880 --> 00:46:30.840
Is so funny because I didn't mean it to be

803
00:46:30.880 --> 00:46:31.800
a flex, but thank you.

804
00:46:31.920 --> 00:46:35.320
I know it was to be able to just say

805
00:46:35.400 --> 00:46:37.360
that I have a master.

806
00:46:37.159 --> 00:46:39.079
I know my mom's been telling me that I need

807
00:46:39.119 --> 00:46:41.960
to put that up here instead of all my swifty stuff,

808
00:46:41.960 --> 00:46:43.159
and I need to get on that.

809
00:46:43.440 --> 00:46:48.199
I'm dead. Is that Taylor Swift? Yes? Yes, if you

810
00:46:48.280 --> 00:46:51.519
don't put your master's degrees and shit up there, I

811
00:46:51.719 --> 00:46:57.119
swear I will lose my mind. That's hilarious. I wonder

812
00:46:57.119 --> 00:47:00.599
what Taylor would do if she knew anyway, I apologize.

813
00:47:00.159 --> 00:47:02.639
I wonder too. I mean, this is to be fair, guys,

814
00:47:02.719 --> 00:47:05.880
the people that are listening instead of watching, watching, we have.

815
00:47:06.000 --> 00:47:08.199
We have a lot going on behind me, including Tiffany's

816
00:47:08.199 --> 00:47:12.719
two New York Times best selling books, including my Oh

817
00:47:12.719 --> 00:47:13.199
shit what.

818
00:47:14.679 --> 00:47:16.519
I was going to correct you the first time because

819
00:47:16.519 --> 00:47:17.360
I didn't want.

820
00:47:17.760 --> 00:47:19.480
I thought they were both New York Times.

821
00:47:19.639 --> 00:47:25.599
I didn't want, No, just one of them, the new one, right, yeah.

822
00:47:25.119 --> 00:47:27.559
I googled it special. So we're just going to call

823
00:47:27.599 --> 00:47:29.480
it a best selling book because it was maybe not

824
00:47:29.480 --> 00:47:31.679
New York Times best selling, but it was at selling book.

825
00:47:31.960 --> 00:47:34.440
The new one was the New York Times best selling book.

826
00:47:35.400 --> 00:47:37.800
The first one was a best selling book, just not

827
00:47:37.840 --> 00:47:38.559
New York Times.

828
00:47:38.719 --> 00:47:39.000
Roger.

829
00:47:39.039 --> 00:47:41.760
That so okay, which is surprising that it's not the

830
00:47:41.840 --> 00:47:43.719
other way around. And I don't think I should say

831
00:47:43.719 --> 00:47:44.239
that out loud.

832
00:47:44.280 --> 00:47:47.280
Actually, well you can say it out loud because the

833
00:47:47.320 --> 00:47:52.320
first book was phenomenal and maybe just less people know

834
00:47:52.519 --> 00:47:53.159
about it.

835
00:47:53.360 --> 00:47:58.639
No, no, no, oh maybe maybe maybe. But also, I

836
00:47:58.679 --> 00:48:00.760
mean I wrote the book, and I probably and I

837
00:48:00.800 --> 00:48:03.840
had a completely different cover, and there were so many typos,

838
00:48:03.960 --> 00:48:06.440
and there was different character names for the same character

839
00:48:07.079 --> 00:48:12.199
within the book. Like it was nuts until Penguin Random

840
00:48:12.199 --> 00:48:14.639
House picked it up and started publishing it, and then

841
00:48:14.639 --> 00:48:16.960
it was nice and tidy. But the reason is because

842
00:48:16.960 --> 00:48:23.679
the second book, the second book makes me feel some

843
00:48:23.760 --> 00:48:25.760
type of way, And I'm not supposed to say that

844
00:48:25.800 --> 00:48:29.159
as an author. I don't think my publishing company will

845
00:48:29.320 --> 00:48:33.159
like it that I'm saying it. But like, I wrote

846
00:48:33.159 --> 00:48:37.559
this book for what it was going to be, a

847
00:48:37.599 --> 00:48:42.119
love story about two attics surviving the trials and tribulations

848
00:48:42.679 --> 00:48:46.000
of parenting and everything that comes with it. And I

849
00:48:46.039 --> 00:48:51.360
submitted the manuscript and then the ending of the book

850
00:48:51.480 --> 00:48:54.400
changed in real life and it was no longer a

851
00:48:54.440 --> 00:48:58.639
happy ending about two addics. We were actually getting divorced now.

852
00:48:59.199 --> 00:49:01.760
And so to have this book go to publication with

853
00:49:01.760 --> 00:49:09.159
what it was would have been so bad for a

854
00:49:09.280 --> 00:49:13.119
million reasons. People are reading it while looking at at

855
00:49:13.159 --> 00:49:14.880
the time, you know, we were like, what is it

856
00:49:14.920 --> 00:49:16.320
going to be headlined? What are we going to have

857
00:49:16.320 --> 00:49:21.039
to deal with? Da da da? At the same time

858
00:49:21.079 --> 00:49:23.480
the divorce is happening. So I had to take the

859
00:49:23.519 --> 00:49:25.719
manuscript back and completely rewrite the book.

860
00:49:25.800 --> 00:49:31.760
Dude, that's a lot. Like that's so I also have

861
00:49:32.119 --> 00:49:35.320
and I also have industry experience in like the line

862
00:49:35.440 --> 00:49:39.280
editing process of a few books. So I can't even

863
00:49:39.320 --> 00:49:42.159
imagine what that. I mean, how'd you do that?

864
00:49:42.719 --> 00:49:47.880
They were under duress basically, and I'm not getting like

865
00:49:48.000 --> 00:49:51.320
I I would cry and frustration because I was like,

866
00:49:51.559 --> 00:49:55.440
this is I'm going through a divorce and having to

867
00:49:55.559 --> 00:49:59.280
write about it for the world to see, and I

868
00:49:59.360 --> 00:50:02.199
have to find way to do that that doesn't tell

869
00:50:02.280 --> 00:50:05.480
the entire truth, because the entire truth would just destroy

870
00:50:05.559 --> 00:50:09.960
so many people, you know. So it was like having

871
00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:13.199
to put my anger and my resentment and my shock

872
00:50:13.920 --> 00:50:17.519
and frustration to the side to write this character in

873
00:50:17.559 --> 00:50:20.239
a way that didn't destroy them so that when our

874
00:50:20.320 --> 00:50:23.880
kids read it in the future, they don't hate anyone,

875
00:50:24.039 --> 00:50:26.039
you know what I mean? Yeah, you know in my

876
00:50:26.159 --> 00:50:28.800
part too, Like I could have if I would have

877
00:50:28.800 --> 00:50:30.599
written about his part, I would have had to have

878
00:50:30.639 --> 00:50:33.559
written about my part, which is that I'm actually, like

879
00:50:34.360 --> 00:50:39.719
really difficult in real life, and I am very volatile at.

880
00:50:39.599 --> 00:50:43.679
Times, and the world honestly loves you for it.

881
00:50:44.960 --> 00:50:48.039
You don't know if they love my boyfriend doesn't love

882
00:50:48.159 --> 00:50:48.639
me for that.

883
00:50:49.000 --> 00:50:52.280
Well that's not true either. Goodness gracious, So you do

884
00:50:52.360 --> 00:50:54.159
have a new boyfriend and you guys have like a

885
00:50:54.199 --> 00:50:56.760
new page and a new like brand that you're working on.

886
00:50:56.840 --> 00:50:57.480
Talk us through that.

887
00:51:00.039 --> 00:51:04.119
Yeah, we did do that. We did do that.

888
00:51:04.239 --> 00:51:04.960
We did do that.

889
00:51:05.280 --> 00:51:12.320
But almost immediately I was like, oh, it's time for

890
00:51:12.320 --> 00:51:15.920
me to have a mental break down. And so we

891
00:51:15.920 --> 00:51:18.000
set up this page. I got like seventy six thousand

892
00:51:18.039 --> 00:51:22.440
followers to come over somehow, so freaking shocked, truly shocked.

893
00:51:22.480 --> 00:51:25.400
Because I marketed the page as crafting. I'm like, if

894
00:51:25.440 --> 00:51:29.239
you're coming for juggling the Jenkins content, you're gonna be disappointed.

895
00:51:29.920 --> 00:51:32.960
We're crafting over here, and we're not worried about the algorithm.

896
00:51:33.320 --> 00:51:37.639
We're not worried about being verified. I can't deal with

897
00:51:37.960 --> 00:51:41.000
that life. I just want to create cool shit with

898
00:51:41.079 --> 00:51:42.840
my boyfriend and show you guys, and if we can

899
00:51:42.880 --> 00:51:48.119
make some bread in the meantime, awesome. So yeah, so

900
00:51:48.159 --> 00:51:50.079
I'm like, let's do it, and we're all gung ho,

901
00:51:50.360 --> 00:51:52.679
and then my ADHD kicked in and it's like, but

902
00:51:52.800 --> 00:51:54.719
we have so much laundry, let's just work on that.

903
00:51:55.000 --> 00:51:57.079
And then it's like, oh, you always wanted to put

904
00:51:57.840 --> 00:52:00.719
frosted glass over the glass windows. Let's do that, And

905
00:52:00.719 --> 00:52:03.599
then I just kept putting everything else that I've wanted

906
00:52:03.639 --> 00:52:07.760
to do in front of it. And work has been

907
00:52:07.840 --> 00:52:09.960
kind of like triggering for me a little bit lately,

908
00:52:10.039 --> 00:52:11.920
so I've been trying to stay away from it, which

909
00:52:11.920 --> 00:52:15.800
is unfortunate because it's like, we're like grand opening of

910
00:52:15.880 --> 00:52:17.760
this restaurant. You guys, come on in. We got the

911
00:52:17.800 --> 00:52:19.760
best food in town. It's gonna be so amazing. We're

912
00:52:19.760 --> 00:52:21.599
gonna feed you every day. And then they sit down

913
00:52:21.599 --> 00:52:24.039
at the table and then the waiters come out with

914
00:52:24.119 --> 00:52:26.440
the metal things and lift it up and it's nothing,

915
00:52:26.880 --> 00:52:30.679
and everybody's like, okay, thank you, glad we're here. What

916
00:52:30.719 --> 00:52:33.800
do you What do we get for? That's how it feels.

917
00:52:33.840 --> 00:52:36.519
And so then there's that pressure and that shame and

918
00:52:36.559 --> 00:52:39.800
that guilt that I like to add on to my shoulders,

919
00:52:39.840 --> 00:52:41.840
and I'm like, well, let's feel this for a while

920
00:52:43.079 --> 00:52:49.320
and punish ourselves because we deserve that, and yeah, you do.

921
00:52:49.400 --> 00:52:51.639
You don't, first of all, as you know, I know

922
00:52:51.760 --> 00:52:56.079
you know that, but you absolutely don't deserve the extra luggage, right.

923
00:52:56.119 --> 00:52:58.960
It would encourage you to please go watch my last

924
00:52:59.079 --> 00:53:01.760
there's an episode that came out last week with Burke Floyd.

925
00:53:02.159 --> 00:53:05.679
He's an actor, and he shared this analogy about luggage

926
00:53:05.679 --> 00:53:07.440
and how we all have luggage and we're all on

927
00:53:07.519 --> 00:53:10.199
this journey of life together with our luggage, and we

928
00:53:10.239 --> 00:53:12.400
can choose to put our luggage down at the door

929
00:53:12.440 --> 00:53:14.159
and go into the party and have a great time.

930
00:53:14.199 --> 00:53:15.840
But then we pick up our luggage and we also

931
00:53:15.920 --> 00:53:19.199
happen to find some friends with similar luggage along the way.

932
00:53:19.239 --> 00:53:21.239
So go on, and I I may have just spoiled

933
00:53:21.360 --> 00:53:23.840
the whole story, but go go listen to it. Go

934
00:53:23.880 --> 00:53:24.280
watch it.

935
00:53:24.480 --> 00:53:25.480
Did you need a clip?

936
00:53:26.280 --> 00:53:30.000
That part isn't a clip yet, But the whole episode

937
00:53:30.039 --> 00:53:32.679
is fire and it's long, but I'll listen to the

938
00:53:32.679 --> 00:53:33.079
whole thing.

939
00:53:34.119 --> 00:53:34.480
Thank you.

940
00:53:35.159 --> 00:53:38.280
It's a good time. It's a good time. And there

941
00:53:38.320 --> 00:53:40.280
was a point you said about the guilt and the shame,

942
00:53:40.280 --> 00:53:42.480
and you know what that did for my brain? That

943
00:53:42.800 --> 00:53:47.760
actually led me to a funny place because you used

944
00:53:47.800 --> 00:53:49.280
to do these skits and I don't know that you're

945
00:53:49.280 --> 00:53:51.039
still doing them, but you used to do these skits

946
00:53:51.039 --> 00:53:54.719
with all the emotions like anger and all the things,

947
00:53:54.719 --> 00:53:56.880
and you know what I'm talking about. But maybe people don't,

948
00:53:56.920 --> 00:53:58.599
And I'm just wondering, do you have a favorite one

949
00:53:58.599 --> 00:54:01.000
of those, because like I want to, like go find

950
00:54:01.000 --> 00:54:04.599
it and relive the joy that that brought us, you know,

951
00:54:04.800 --> 00:54:08.079
six years ago, or however wrong it was, Yeah, that

952
00:54:09.079 --> 00:54:10.159
there was. I think.

953
00:54:12.400 --> 00:54:15.199
I want to say seven parts, but I could be wrong.

954
00:54:15.360 --> 00:54:16.960
I could be wrong. Maybe I'm wrong.

955
00:54:17.280 --> 00:54:17.880
I don't know.

956
00:54:18.119 --> 00:54:21.719
Me versus anxiety was seven parts. That one is if

957
00:54:21.719 --> 00:54:24.079
my brain had a morning meeting, and it's basically where

958
00:54:24.119 --> 00:54:25.960
my brain is standing at the end of the table

959
00:54:26.360 --> 00:54:31.320
with depression and anxiety and fatigue and hope and rage

960
00:54:31.800 --> 00:54:35.280
and all the people mostly negative that meet at the

961
00:54:35.280 --> 00:54:40.199
morning meeting before I wake up for the day and

962
00:54:40.239 --> 00:54:42.599
they're all conspiring of how they can f up my day.

963
00:54:45.719 --> 00:54:52.000
All of them are significant to me because they all

964
00:54:52.039 --> 00:54:54.920
took Like there was one that I did. I don't know,

965
00:54:54.960 --> 00:54:56.519
it's hard to explain, Like there was one that I

966
00:54:56.559 --> 00:55:00.440
did during COVID where it's like what my brain is

967
00:55:00.440 --> 00:55:04.239
doing during COVID, and then there's one that's like what

968
00:55:04.280 --> 00:55:07.360
my brain is doing during the summer with the kids

969
00:55:07.360 --> 00:55:10.920
and what my brain I think the first one that

970
00:55:11.000 --> 00:55:14.840
I ever did is my favorite because it really took

971
00:55:14.880 --> 00:55:19.760
off and it really had people identifying parts of themselves

972
00:55:19.840 --> 00:55:26.000
that they hadn't previously, and it allowed people to realize, like, hey,

973
00:55:26.440 --> 00:55:29.159
this is an actual, real thing that happens. It's happening

974
00:55:29.239 --> 00:55:32.719
in my brain too. I'm not the only one, and

975
00:55:32.760 --> 00:55:35.079
now I can identify these parts of me for what

976
00:55:35.199 --> 00:55:38.280
they are. And that was really cool feedback to get

977
00:55:38.320 --> 00:55:41.360
Every video I made, I made because it was something

978
00:55:41.400 --> 00:55:46.119
that I was going through and I had hoped that

979
00:55:46.679 --> 00:55:49.920
even to this day, if one person I just looked

980
00:55:49.960 --> 00:55:53.840
for one comment that is like I needed this, and

981
00:55:53.880 --> 00:55:57.000
then I stopped checking comments because that's it. That's the

982
00:55:57.039 --> 00:56:00.639
only reason that I do the shit is to I mean,

983
00:56:00.679 --> 00:56:03.400
that's not the only reason. Like my video doesn't make money,

984
00:56:03.440 --> 00:56:05.400
and I want to be able to pay for my

985
00:56:05.480 --> 00:56:08.519
family is food and house and stuff, Like I don't

986
00:56:08.519 --> 00:56:10.320
want to be one of those people who's like I did.

987
00:56:11.000 --> 00:56:15.639
I'll be honest. It generates income and I need that

988
00:56:15.880 --> 00:56:21.519
to survive. However, my passion the reason, the thing that

989
00:56:21.559 --> 00:56:23.719
wakes me up in the morning and keeps me going

990
00:56:23.840 --> 00:56:28.199
and subjecting myself to all you know, the internet hate

991
00:56:28.239 --> 00:56:32.039
and all of that. The only thing it's not money,

992
00:56:32.079 --> 00:56:36.960
it's hearing somebody realize that a part of themselves that

993
00:56:37.039 --> 00:56:41.559
they've been shaming and hiding and regretting now has a

994
00:56:41.679 --> 00:56:45.480
name and other cohorts out there doing the same thing

995
00:56:45.519 --> 00:56:48.199
to other people. That's the reason.

996
00:56:49.840 --> 00:56:54.639
Making people feel seen and honestly like they're not alone.

997
00:56:54.840 --> 00:56:57.800
That's it. That's my whole point. And I truly when

998
00:56:57.840 --> 00:57:00.519
people are like, what's the point of life? I think

999
00:57:00.519 --> 00:57:03.800
that's it. I can't think of any other you know.

1000
00:57:03.880 --> 00:57:06.400
I mean, I'm sure there's go on and pro create

1001
00:57:06.440 --> 00:57:08.880
and things like that, but I really think the point

1002
00:57:09.559 --> 00:57:13.719
of life is to have experiences so that you can

1003
00:57:13.760 --> 00:57:15.480
help other people when they have theirs.

1004
00:57:17.000 --> 00:57:19.880
Yeah, human connection is everything to me, and we all

1005
00:57:19.920 --> 00:57:22.119
have the gift of connection to so many more people

1006
00:57:22.159 --> 00:57:29.320
than we realize. And that tends to happen more viscerally,

1007
00:57:29.440 --> 00:57:33.320
I guess through stories and through you know, just the sharing,

1008
00:57:34.239 --> 00:57:38.400
the humor of all those emotions meeting on a morning,

1009
00:57:38.480 --> 00:57:42.559
meeting to annihilate your day, because that's honestly what happened.

1010
00:57:42.599 --> 00:57:44.519
Like they all were just like, Nope, she's not going

1011
00:57:44.599 --> 00:57:47.679
to do life today. But Hope was there and we

1012
00:57:47.760 --> 00:57:53.320
love hope, right, Like, Yeah, do you ever have a

1013
00:57:53.360 --> 00:57:56.280
moment where you thought to yourself, like I've done the work,

1014
00:57:56.639 --> 00:57:57.960
Why is this still so hard?

1015
00:58:06.920 --> 00:58:15.360
Yes, but a part of me also knows that I

1016
00:58:15.360 --> 00:58:20.760
haven't necessarily done all that I could. Like right now,

1017
00:58:21.000 --> 00:58:26.679
I'm taking intense DBT classes. It's an eighteen week course

1018
00:58:27.119 --> 00:58:31.800
in person, and I have homework, and so I keep

1019
00:58:32.000 --> 00:58:34.679
procrastinating so I'll leave the class and then it leaves

1020
00:58:34.679 --> 00:58:37.559
my mind, and instead of like diving back into the

1021
00:58:37.639 --> 00:58:42.400
material later that night or doing my anger log or whatever,

1022
00:58:42.920 --> 00:58:45.119
I find myself putting it off, putting it off, putting

1023
00:58:45.159 --> 00:58:47.400
it off until Tuesday, and then I'm like, shit, I

1024
00:58:47.519 --> 00:58:49.840
have class now I have to do it. And so

1025
00:58:49.920 --> 00:58:53.360
it's like I was talking to my partner and I'm like,

1026
00:58:54.000 --> 00:58:56.920
you know, I am doing the work. We weren't. That's

1027
00:58:56.920 --> 00:58:58.840
not how we talk to each other, but that's my

1028
00:58:58.920 --> 00:59:03.119
frustrated tone. Like it was like I am doing the work,

1029
00:59:03.159 --> 00:59:07.480
like I am trying to be better, and he was

1030
00:59:07.599 --> 00:59:16.519
just simply like are you And I was like yeah. Oh.

1031
00:59:16.920 --> 00:59:18.719
I didn't say oh out loud because that would have

1032
00:59:18.719 --> 00:59:23.519
admitted defeat, but I thought it. I thought, oh crap,

1033
00:59:23.599 --> 00:59:26.199
he's right, He's right. And that's the thing is, like

1034
00:59:26.280 --> 00:59:30.239
I know that anything I put my mind to truly,

1035
00:59:30.280 --> 00:59:33.639
and this is going to sound really conceited and ft up,

1036
00:59:33.639 --> 00:59:35.880
but it's my truth. Anything I put my mind to,

1037
00:59:37.079 --> 00:59:43.159
I do really amazing. Anything I want, it's gonna be bombed.

1038
00:59:45.679 --> 00:59:49.719
But if there's something that I want but it is hard,

1039
00:59:53.519 --> 00:59:55.480
then that's when I get stuck.

1040
00:59:58.079 --> 01:00:02.239
And that's when it's most important that you can going honestly,

1041
01:00:02.880 --> 01:00:06.239
because the growth is on the other side, right like that,

1042
01:00:06.400 --> 01:00:09.960
then it sucks because it it. I mean, as somebody

1043
01:00:09.960 --> 01:00:13.719
that's been through when work through some big losses and

1044
01:00:13.800 --> 01:00:15.880
hard things in my life, I can say with some

1045
01:00:16.079 --> 01:00:21.840
level of experience actually that generally speaking, the times when

1046
01:00:21.880 --> 01:00:24.719
you think it's the lowest and like it's the hardest

1047
01:00:24.760 --> 01:00:26.920
and you're working so hard and why is nothing happening,

1048
01:00:26.960 --> 01:00:29.920
it's because you're close. Like it's because like it's right

1049
01:00:29.920 --> 01:00:32.239
there and you get to like keep going, you know.

1050
01:00:32.360 --> 01:00:33.079
I like that.

1051
01:00:34.199 --> 01:00:36.840
Well, it's it's my advice, and I'm curious if you

1052
01:00:36.960 --> 01:00:39.320
have advice too, But it's my advice for anybody that

1053
01:00:39.320 --> 01:00:41.920
feels like they're failing at healing, because healing is a

1054
01:00:42.000 --> 01:00:44.639
journey and it's it's it's not it's not a straight line.

1055
01:00:45.239 --> 01:00:48.920
It's definitely something that like, it keeps you guessing, keeps

1056
01:00:48.920 --> 01:00:53.000
you on your toes, and everybody has to do it,

1057
01:00:53.079 --> 01:00:56.000
so like, and I think everybody's felt like they've failed

1058
01:00:56.039 --> 01:00:58.199
at healing. And I feel like that's maybe where you're

1059
01:00:58.199 --> 01:00:59.800
in in your season right now, is like you feel

1060
01:00:59.840 --> 01:01:05.159
like like not rocking at this whole healing journey. So

1061
01:01:05.159 --> 01:01:07.480
maybe you're giving advice to yourself. I don't know, but

1062
01:01:07.559 --> 01:01:11.079
you need to give advice to yourself then you know

1063
01:01:11.159 --> 01:01:15.559
the channel that you that gets stuff done, and give

1064
01:01:15.599 --> 01:01:19.079
yourself and the world some advice on how to work

1065
01:01:19.119 --> 01:01:21.599
through failing at healing. Mmmm.

1066
01:01:22.039 --> 01:01:28.519
Absolutely, I Did's so true. I've been doing a lot

1067
01:01:28.519 --> 01:01:32.800
of work on like I yeah, identifying those parts of

1068
01:01:32.840 --> 01:01:38.039
me that are trying to sabotage me, and like, I know,

1069
01:01:38.079 --> 01:01:42.159
there's so many. There's like a a mom with boxing

1070
01:01:42.239 --> 01:01:45.800
gloves who's ready to just fight everybody all the time

1071
01:01:46.079 --> 01:01:48.719
and protect our kids. There's like a scared little kid

1072
01:01:48.719 --> 01:01:52.400
in there. And I just conf Why am I telling you?

1073
01:01:52.440 --> 01:01:53.480
What were we talking about?

1074
01:01:53.559 --> 01:01:58.280
I'm so sorry, my brain don't apologize. So no, you

1075
01:01:58.320 --> 01:02:01.840
were talking about. We were talking advice for yourself when

1076
01:02:01.840 --> 01:02:05.079
you're failing, when you feel again because you're not failing

1077
01:02:05.079 --> 01:02:08.440
because you're trying, right, you feel like you're failing at healing.

1078
01:02:09.199 --> 01:02:11.760
Oh yeah, thank you, because I had something I wanted

1079
01:02:11.760 --> 01:02:13.719
to say. But then I think I just started saying

1080
01:02:13.760 --> 01:02:20.280
words because I forgot what happens quick forget. Yes, I

1081
01:02:20.519 --> 01:02:25.280
have always heard people say healing isn't linear, and it's

1082
01:02:25.360 --> 01:02:27.599
just one of those things that I've heard and it's

1083
01:02:27.639 --> 01:02:28.920
just gone in one ear and out the other, and

1084
01:02:28.960 --> 01:02:31.320
I'm like, Okay, healing isn't linear, okay, but you know

1085
01:02:31.360 --> 01:02:35.400
what I mean. Healing isn't a straight line. Okay, okay.

1086
01:02:35.679 --> 01:02:41.159
Like but then the other day, like I listened to it,

1087
01:02:41.679 --> 01:02:44.280
like I heard it for the first time because I

1088
01:02:44.400 --> 01:02:48.320
was like, dude, yesterday was such a bad day for

1089
01:02:48.440 --> 01:02:52.960
me and my regulating of my emotions, but today I

1090
01:02:53.000 --> 01:03:01.159
did better, and last week was so terrible, even though

1091
01:03:01.159 --> 01:03:04.239
the week before that was better. So that's what I'll do,

1092
01:03:04.519 --> 01:03:06.880
is I'll have a great week and then i'll do

1093
01:03:06.960 --> 01:03:09.880
something and it feels like a regression. I'm like, I'll

1094
01:03:09.920 --> 01:03:12.400
never be better. I'll always be this way, you know

1095
01:03:12.400 --> 01:03:15.519
what I mean. And then it gets better and so

1096
01:03:15.599 --> 01:03:18.360
I'm like, holy crap, this stuff like ebbs and flows,

1097
01:03:18.480 --> 01:03:25.599
that's crazy, and then I'm like, healing isn't linear. There

1098
01:03:25.599 --> 01:03:27.679
it is, that's what they mean.

1099
01:03:30.440 --> 01:03:32.000
That was the craziest wave.

1100
01:03:32.760 --> 01:03:36.800
Yeah, I heard it for the first time in that

1101
01:03:36.920 --> 01:03:41.519
experience of like, oh, so, what I want I would

1102
01:03:41.559 --> 01:03:43.920
say to somebody is like, what that means when healing

1103
01:03:43.960 --> 01:03:47.320
isn't linear? Is there just gonna be times where you

1104
01:03:47.400 --> 01:03:50.079
want to die and you're like, there's no point, this sucks,

1105
01:03:50.119 --> 01:03:53.039
this is horrible, I want to give up. I'll never

1106
01:03:53.079 --> 01:03:57.079
be better. My brain is just a whore and everything sucks.

1107
01:03:57.519 --> 01:04:01.239
Like then it's not gonna feel that way later that night,

1108
01:04:01.880 --> 01:04:04.360
and you're gonna feel so inspired and you're like, I'm

1109
01:04:04.360 --> 01:04:07.280
gonna do amazing. I'm gonna heal better than anybody's ever healed,

1110
01:04:07.280 --> 01:04:09.800
and I'm gonna have a crown for the best healer

1111
01:04:10.400 --> 01:04:13.559
of all the heels. And then the next day you

1112
01:04:13.679 --> 01:04:16.679
have a regression or an episode and it's back to

1113
01:04:16.719 --> 01:04:21.679
the pits of hell, and so like, healing isn't linear

1114
01:04:21.840 --> 01:04:27.519
means you're literally gonna go through those emotions and but

1115
01:04:28.119 --> 01:04:31.280
it's normal. And I guess I didn't realize that. I

1116
01:04:31.280 --> 01:04:34.519
guess I thought, as long as there's an upward trajectory,

1117
01:04:34.599 --> 01:04:35.320
you're doing it right.

1118
01:04:37.079 --> 01:04:40.679
Nope, that's get goes both ways exactly, and.

1119
01:04:40.679 --> 01:04:43.039
I just realized that recently, So it's kind of crazy.

1120
01:04:43.039 --> 01:04:44.519
You hit the nail on the head when you said

1121
01:04:44.519 --> 01:04:46.639
that about me. It sounds like I'm going through that

1122
01:04:47.159 --> 01:04:49.639
healing is up and down part and that's exactly where

1123
01:04:49.679 --> 01:04:53.400
I'm at. Yeah, it's very confusing, and especially when I

1124
01:04:53.400 --> 01:04:56.679
have people in the meantime, like you, my beautiful friend,

1125
01:04:56.760 --> 01:05:01.400
who are like because of you, you know what I mean,

1126
01:05:01.480 --> 01:05:06.079
Like you somehow helped me, is what you're saying to me,

1127
01:05:06.280 --> 01:05:10.400
And it's like, I'm at the bottom part of the

1128
01:05:10.440 --> 01:05:13.559
healing right now and can't believe what you're saying because

1129
01:05:13.599 --> 01:05:17.599
it's just me down in the trenches, feeling like a

1130
01:05:17.679 --> 01:05:18.599
shell of a person.

1131
01:05:18.760 --> 01:05:21.079
You know what I mean, I do. And because your

1132
01:05:21.079 --> 01:05:22.880
cup is yellow, I see that as a sign that

1133
01:05:22.920 --> 01:05:26.039
I'm supposed to share this with you. And I also

1134
01:05:26.079 --> 01:05:28.239
have this I never finished the Taylor Slip. There's just

1135
01:05:28.280 --> 01:05:30.519
two twit Taylor slip. There's a relic up here that

1136
01:05:30.599 --> 01:05:33.000
says it's the Long Pond Sessions, and then there's Taylor

1137
01:05:33.039 --> 01:05:35.079
doing her fearless heart on the other side. But then

1138
01:05:35.079 --> 01:05:39.039
there's also a yellow brick road, wicked Lego that I

1139
01:05:39.079 --> 01:05:42.559
love so much because I believe the yellow brick road

1140
01:05:42.719 --> 01:05:45.039
leads us where we need to go. I believe, I

1141
01:05:45.079 --> 01:05:48.320
believe in God and his power in my life, and

1142
01:05:48.480 --> 01:05:51.320
he has been guiding me on this path that doesn't

1143
01:05:51.320 --> 01:05:55.199
make any sense, like it honestly, like it feels like

1144
01:05:55.239 --> 01:05:57.360
a dream that doesn't make any sense. But I keep

1145
01:05:57.440 --> 01:06:00.960
showing up, and good things keep happening, and I keep

1146
01:06:01.039 --> 01:06:04.559
saying good will come of this. Good things are happening good.

1147
01:06:04.679 --> 01:06:07.280
You know. It's like mantras that I've been telling myself,

1148
01:06:07.320 --> 01:06:10.480
and I do believe, and you know, like without its

1149
01:06:10.440 --> 01:06:12.880
doing like a flex or conceited or whatever, I do

1150
01:06:12.960 --> 01:06:15.920
believe that we you and I, you know, after you know,

1151
01:06:15.960 --> 01:06:20.599
being very not not super connected on the internet, but

1152
01:06:20.679 --> 01:06:22.599
like aware of each other on the internet for six

1153
01:06:22.599 --> 01:06:26.800
whole years, came together. Our path came together right now

1154
01:06:26.840 --> 01:06:29.599
as it did today for a really important reason. And

1155
01:06:29.679 --> 01:06:32.280
I think that you know, you the timing of me

1156
01:06:32.760 --> 01:06:35.639
deciding because I shared with you before we went on

1157
01:06:35.840 --> 01:06:37.920
that you know, peek behind the curtain friends. But I

1158
01:06:37.960 --> 01:06:39.760
shared with her before we went on that I thought

1159
01:06:39.800 --> 01:06:42.599
I'd maybe share a little bit more about my story

1160
01:06:42.639 --> 01:06:45.599
in this conversation because I hadn't for a lot of

1161
01:06:45.599 --> 01:06:48.199
different reasons, I hadn't really talked about my sobriety journey

1162
01:06:48.239 --> 01:06:51.440
too much on this podcast. Yet it's brand new, and

1163
01:06:52.199 --> 01:06:54.440
it's a lot to digest for people, it's a lot

1164
01:06:54.440 --> 01:06:57.280
for me to digest out loud, and I decided that

1165
01:06:57.320 --> 01:06:59.320
today was the day I was like, well, with Tiffany,

1166
01:06:59.400 --> 01:07:01.840
I feel safe because I feel like I can like

1167
01:07:01.920 --> 01:07:04.760
she'll she'll understand at a deeper level that you know,

1168
01:07:05.000 --> 01:07:07.960
maybe a different guest might not. But the reason for

1169
01:07:08.039 --> 01:07:12.159
my rambling is I do believe that what you put

1170
01:07:12.239 --> 01:07:15.360
out into the world comes back to you. And maybe

1171
01:07:15.360 --> 01:07:17.360
that's a little bit of what's happening for us today,

1172
01:07:17.400 --> 01:07:20.519
because what you've put into the world, Tiffany, regardless of

1173
01:07:20.559 --> 01:07:23.840
how trench you feel right now, has been a lot

1174
01:07:23.840 --> 01:07:26.280
of very good things, and I am very grateful for it.

1175
01:07:26.360 --> 01:07:29.880
And you know, if our conversation brings light, like you said,

1176
01:07:29.920 --> 01:07:33.360
to one person, that's all that matters. I haven't figured

1177
01:07:33.400 --> 01:07:35.199
out how to make a single penny off of any

1178
01:07:35.239 --> 01:07:38.079
of this yet, and you know that's okay. It's okay.

1179
01:07:38.239 --> 01:07:42.039
I I know what will happen because I believe like

1180
01:07:42.079 --> 01:07:45.280
I just I have to say that we'll talk.

1181
01:07:45.760 --> 01:07:47.880
Can you give me two seconds really quick?

1182
01:07:47.920 --> 01:07:52.039
All right? Of course she's coming, she's leaving, just so

1183
01:07:52.119 --> 01:07:52.800
she comes back.

1184
01:07:55.559 --> 01:08:06.800
Don duh the suspence.

1185
01:08:12.639 --> 01:08:16.960
I don't know why I'm dancing because there's imaginary music.

1186
01:08:18.880 --> 01:08:20.199
Isn't mentioned her music?

1187
01:08:21.520 --> 01:08:24.039
Sorry? What are you laughing? No?

1188
01:08:24.279 --> 01:08:27.000
I was just dancing and dancing with myself. It's fine.

1189
01:08:27.319 --> 01:08:28.640
I had to grab this.

1190
01:08:30.199 --> 01:08:30.720
To grab this.

1191
01:08:31.960 --> 01:08:32.319
Stop.

1192
01:08:33.680 --> 01:08:36.960
Can you see I can't? It says yellow brick road.

1193
01:08:37.319 --> 01:08:43.920
Yeah, isn't that crazy? But isn't that crazy?

1194
01:08:44.720 --> 01:08:47.479
You have made a very worthy human speechless, my friend.

1195
01:08:48.760 --> 01:08:50.520
I'm gonna need to know the story behind the yellow

1196
01:08:50.560 --> 01:08:51.720
brick road sign in your house.

1197
01:08:52.319 --> 01:08:55.960
Yeah. So, my mom was a huge fan of the

1198
01:08:56.000 --> 01:08:59.279
Wizard of Oz, and so every time I hear the

1199
01:08:59.359 --> 01:09:02.840
yellow brick Road or anything, I think of her, and

1200
01:09:02.880 --> 01:09:06.199
so I wanted to put it up to commemorate her.

1201
01:09:06.560 --> 01:09:08.800
And so it's just so funny that you brought it

1202
01:09:08.880 --> 01:09:11.000
up and I just happened to have just hung it.

1203
01:09:11.159 --> 01:09:12.920
That's crazy, It's not.

1204
01:09:13.520 --> 01:09:15.479
None of this is crazy because it was all It's

1205
01:09:15.479 --> 01:09:17.359
all happening just as it was supposed to do. I

1206
01:09:17.399 --> 01:09:19.920
believe that one hundred percent, particularly now that you just

1207
01:09:20.000 --> 01:09:22.199
randomly have a yellow brick road sign in your house, like,

1208
01:09:22.239 --> 01:09:25.319
what are the chances of that that is not normal?

1209
01:09:27.920 --> 01:09:29.800
And then none of this has been and I haven't

1210
01:09:29.800 --> 01:09:32.159
even you know what, I haven't even I haven't even

1211
01:09:32.199 --> 01:09:36.279
asked like a single of my normal questions. No, don't

1212
01:09:36.319 --> 01:09:38.720
be sorry, I just don't. I don't think we need to.

1213
01:09:38.840 --> 01:09:41.680
I think this conversation has been beautiful and I'm grateful,

1214
01:09:42.119 --> 01:09:43.960
and I do have one thing that I don't want

1215
01:09:44.000 --> 01:09:45.920
to not ask you because it's super important to me

1216
01:09:45.960 --> 01:09:48.159
to ask you because I would. I feel like if

1217
01:09:48.159 --> 01:09:51.680
I were you, I would love this question. So tell

1218
01:09:51.720 --> 01:09:54.520
me what is it? Because we talked about Jimmy right,

1219
01:09:54.800 --> 01:09:57.640
So what is a question that you were that you

1220
01:09:57.720 --> 01:10:00.960
wish somebody would ask you? Like question that you've got

1221
01:10:01.000 --> 01:10:02.680
it like in the chamber, you're ready to go with

1222
01:10:02.720 --> 01:10:05.760
your answer and you just have nobody's asked you that question.

1223
01:10:09.000 --> 01:10:22.960
Oh, I mean I Oh, this is so such. I

1224
01:10:23.039 --> 01:10:26.159
love this question. You're right, but it's so tricky because

1225
01:10:26.680 --> 01:10:30.560
it's a very self serving question. I feel like I've

1226
01:10:30.560 --> 01:10:33.600
been asked a lot of questions. I can't really think

1227
01:10:33.640 --> 01:10:36.279
of any regular questions I'm like man, because I usually

1228
01:10:36.279 --> 01:10:39.119
would just volunteer that information if I wanted somebody to

1229
01:10:39.119 --> 01:10:39.600
know it.

1230
01:10:39.640 --> 01:10:41.880
Right, so make it self serving, then that's okay, and

1231
01:10:41.920 --> 01:10:42.920
that's part of why you're here.

1232
01:10:45.319 --> 01:10:49.399
It's something I mean, nobody could ever ask me that.

1233
01:10:50.279 --> 01:11:01.880
But if somebody were to ask me, have you chosen

1234
01:11:02.479 --> 01:11:12.399
to protect others over financial gain in your life on

1235
01:11:12.439 --> 01:11:19.720
your platform? Have you chosen to keep things quiet for

1236
01:11:19.920 --> 01:11:24.479
multiple people when you could have told your own truth

1237
01:11:26.239 --> 01:11:29.840
and the events would be so shocking that you could

1238
01:11:29.880 --> 01:11:34.640
be a millionaire, but have chosen to take the high

1239
01:11:34.720 --> 01:11:37.840
road and not do that. Have you ever done that?

1240
01:11:38.399 --> 01:11:43.079
I would love the opportunity to be like, fuck, yes

1241
01:11:43.159 --> 01:11:46.920
I have, and it almost killed me and it sent

1242
01:11:47.000 --> 01:11:55.239
me to a psych word, But I know that I

1243
01:11:55.319 --> 01:11:58.000
did the right thing. And I just hope that in

1244
01:11:58.079 --> 01:12:04.960
whatever life or experience comes after this one, that there

1245
01:12:05.000 --> 01:12:09.720
will be some sort of checklist that someone goes off

1246
01:12:09.760 --> 01:12:14.159
of sees all of the personal sacrifices I've made to

1247
01:12:14.199 --> 01:12:17.720
protect others, and that there's some sort of reward afterward,

1248
01:12:17.840 --> 01:12:23.119
because yes, emphatically, yes, I have remained silent and almost

1249
01:12:23.199 --> 01:12:29.000
died to protect other people on the Internet, and in

1250
01:12:29.039 --> 01:12:37.479
turn became fuck, this got so see what I mean,

1251
01:12:37.680 --> 01:12:42.319
this got so dark. This got so dark, and I

1252
01:12:42.399 --> 01:12:45.199
knew it would. It's such a I've talked about everything

1253
01:12:45.279 --> 01:12:47.640
except the things I can't talk about. I've been asked

1254
01:12:47.680 --> 01:12:54.279
everything except the questions I can't answer. And I'm an

1255
01:12:54.319 --> 01:12:57.640
open book except for a few parts of my life

1256
01:12:57.720 --> 01:12:59.720
that I had to continue to show up to work

1257
01:12:59.760 --> 01:13:04.880
and smile when the reality of what I was going

1258
01:13:04.920 --> 01:13:08.760
through was so shocking that it would make people's jaws

1259
01:13:08.840 --> 01:13:09.399
drop open.

1260
01:13:13.119 --> 01:13:17.039
Thank you for continuing to keep going regardless of all that,

1261
01:13:17.640 --> 01:13:22.000
because it's not the answer I expected at all. And

1262
01:13:22.039 --> 01:13:24.319
it's okay that it got dark, Like it's it's good.

1263
01:13:24.399 --> 01:13:24.600
You know.

1264
01:13:25.920 --> 01:13:29.560
I think it's really important for people to see all

1265
01:13:29.600 --> 01:13:34.960
of it. And I I mean without any amount of

1266
01:13:35.560 --> 01:13:39.159
without any amount of really like measurable success so far,

1267
01:13:39.560 --> 01:13:43.640
I show up as my whole self on the internet too,

1268
01:13:43.920 --> 01:13:46.800
and you know, you pave the way for people to

1269
01:13:46.880 --> 01:13:50.479
do that, and that's that's a beautiful thing. So, you know,

1270
01:13:50.600 --> 01:13:52.800
because of the reasons that we've talked about with like

1271
01:13:53.119 --> 01:13:57.479
just feeling less alone and feeling like you know, they're

1272
01:13:59.560 --> 01:14:03.119
I felt scene in what you shared, like and I

1273
01:14:03.199 --> 01:14:05.960
know that there are others that also will feel seen

1274
01:14:06.000 --> 01:14:08.439
in what you shared, so you shouldn't feel the need

1275
01:14:08.439 --> 01:14:11.399
to I understand why you want to apologize for like

1276
01:14:11.800 --> 01:14:14.520
going dark, but like I feel like you shouldn't feel

1277
01:14:15.079 --> 01:14:18.439
the need to apologize for it because you're just being

1278
01:14:18.479 --> 01:14:22.319
you and you are just telling the truth, and nobody

1279
01:14:22.319 --> 01:14:26.079
can nobody can you know, speak otherwise when you're just

1280
01:14:26.119 --> 01:14:29.640
being you, when you're just telling the truth. Thanks, you're welcome.

1281
01:14:29.720 --> 01:14:32.079
And I lied one more question because it's it's important

1282
01:14:32.119 --> 01:14:34.159
to me. If you if I handed you a megaphone

1283
01:14:34.560 --> 01:14:37.600
and everybody had to listen, like the world at large

1284
01:14:38.079 --> 01:14:40.600
had to listen to Tiffany Jenkins in this moment with

1285
01:14:40.720 --> 01:14:42.359
this megaphone, what would you.

1286
01:14:42.319 --> 01:14:49.119
Say, stop being dicks to each other? Yeah, like in general,

1287
01:14:49.199 --> 01:14:52.159
just everybody stopping dicks with like what legit? Yeah, just

1288
01:14:52.199 --> 01:14:58.640
stop just stop it? Yeah, Yeah, agreed, that's it. That's

1289
01:14:58.720 --> 01:15:01.399
the first thing I'd yell, right, Yeah, what are we doing?

1290
01:15:01.439 --> 01:15:03.359
None of us know what the we're doing on this

1291
01:15:03.439 --> 01:15:07.000
ball of rock floating through the sky in a galaxy.

1292
01:15:07.199 --> 01:15:09.520
Why why can't we all just admit we're freaking out

1293
01:15:09.520 --> 01:15:11.039
and have no clue what the f is going on?

1294
01:15:11.399 --> 01:15:13.079
Why can't we all just be honest with each other

1295
01:15:13.119 --> 01:15:15.720
and be like, oh, sorry, I didn't know that, thank

1296
01:15:15.760 --> 01:15:18.520
you for telling me instead of you piece of shit.

1297
01:15:18.920 --> 01:15:21.920
I don't know why I did that accent. There's no significance.

1298
01:15:23.159 --> 01:15:26.640
I'm so sorry. I don't know. I just think everybody

1299
01:15:27.119 --> 01:15:28.800
could be a little less douche baggy.

1300
01:15:29.399 --> 01:15:33.000
I agree. Treat I mean, it's the golden rule. Like

1301
01:15:33.079 --> 01:15:35.680
it sounds so silly, but like, just treat others like

1302
01:15:35.720 --> 01:15:37.760
you'd want to be treated. And that's not that that

1303
01:15:37.800 --> 01:15:41.279
should be so much easier than we make it. So,

1304
01:15:43.000 --> 01:15:45.399
I mean I could talk to you forever, I can

1305
01:15:45.479 --> 01:15:48.359
ask you for hours, and I mean, I mean, maybe

1306
01:15:48.359 --> 01:15:50.119
now we just lock in, like we're going to have

1307
01:15:50.159 --> 01:15:52.319
to do this again because we're gonna pete, We're gonna

1308
01:15:52.319 --> 01:15:53.960
need to check in, like we're gonna need to know

1309
01:15:54.000 --> 01:15:56.439
how you're doing. Absolutely, we're not in the we're not

1310
01:15:56.520 --> 01:15:57.920
in the best place right now.

1311
01:15:57.960 --> 01:15:59.840
But I know, I'm so sorry. Should I not be

1312
01:15:59.840 --> 01:16:01.399
doing podcast interviews right now?

1313
01:16:01.439 --> 01:16:04.840
You should be, because it's I'm not. I'm honestly not

1314
01:16:05.000 --> 01:16:09.560
trying to, like because there's like a whole record of

1315
01:16:09.560 --> 01:16:11.359
this on the internet, so people can go and they

1316
01:16:11.399 --> 01:16:13.520
can see the truth, which is that I have been

1317
01:16:13.560 --> 01:16:15.199
a you know, I have been a fan, and I'm

1318
01:16:15.199 --> 01:16:18.880
not Everything that I'm saying isn't lip service, like it's

1319
01:16:18.960 --> 01:16:22.399
legitimately the truth in my heart. So that's why I

1320
01:16:22.399 --> 01:16:26.399
can say, like, it's actually so refreshing and so important

1321
01:16:26.520 --> 01:16:30.199
for people to see all the sides of the things.

1322
01:16:30.439 --> 01:16:36.720
And and that is people will everybody has the luggage,

1323
01:16:37.239 --> 01:16:41.600
you know, and people will feel less alone because they

1324
01:16:41.640 --> 01:16:44.840
know that like the journey. You know, you can be

1325
01:16:46.000 --> 01:16:49.439
you know, an influencer at your level and have the

1326
01:16:50.079 --> 01:16:52.800
success that you've had, and you know what, it's not

1327
01:16:53.039 --> 01:16:56.560
honestly all sunshine and rainbows sometimes, and that's that's a

1328
01:16:56.600 --> 01:16:58.560
good thing for people to have that little bit of

1329
01:16:58.600 --> 01:17:00.880
like a reality check of like, no, she is just

1330
01:17:00.920 --> 01:17:02.760
like us, and that's like, that's kind of the whole

1331
01:17:02.760 --> 01:17:05.399
point of what you've done this whole time, is that

1332
01:17:05.520 --> 01:17:08.600
you are just like us, and that's what people will

1333
01:17:08.640 --> 01:17:13.319
feel seen in. So absolutely, keep doing podcasts, keep showing

1334
01:17:13.399 --> 01:17:15.640
up for you, keep showing up for us, keep showing

1335
01:17:15.720 --> 01:17:19.239
up for that family of yours, and you know, we'll

1336
01:17:19.279 --> 01:17:22.039
see you again some you know, another time.

1337
01:17:22.479 --> 01:17:25.000
Absolutely, I'd love to do a part two follow up.

1338
01:17:25.239 --> 01:17:28.439
Yeah, great, sounds good. You heard it here first friends,

1339
01:17:28.520 --> 01:17:32.039
So we will see you next time on quick before

1340
01:17:32.039 --> 01:17:38.199
you forget bye, Tonny, I have a question from a friend.

1341
01:17:38.319 --> 01:17:40.640
So before I know, I keep saying we're wrapping, and

1342
01:17:40.640 --> 01:17:42.520
then I keep going back on my word. But my

1343
01:17:42.600 --> 01:17:45.720
friend Susie asked this question, and I would be doing

1344
01:17:45.800 --> 01:17:48.680
a disservice if I don't follow through. So her question was,

1345
01:17:48.680 --> 01:17:49.960
and I'm going to read it word for a word,

1346
01:17:50.520 --> 01:17:53.920
what coping skills do you use when you feel like

1347
01:17:54.000 --> 01:17:58.439
you're going to explode? For example, she writes, she used

1348
01:17:58.479 --> 01:18:00.840
to run, which she can't do right now. So how

1349
01:18:00.880 --> 01:18:03.159
do you shake it off, as our girl Taylor would say,

1350
01:18:03.239 --> 01:18:06.279
when the anxiety and stress is becoming too overwhelming.

1351
01:18:07.239 --> 01:18:12.000
That's a really good question, and it's really interesting to

1352
01:18:12.039 --> 01:18:15.359
answer this question from the perspective that I'm in, which

1353
01:18:15.399 --> 01:18:18.560
is in the midst of these bouts of rage and

1354
01:18:18.640 --> 01:18:21.920
anger and overwhelm and going zero to one hundred and

1355
01:18:21.920 --> 01:18:27.399
feeling like I'm going to literally explode, and so some

1356
01:18:27.479 --> 01:18:29.520
things that have helped me. We bought a punching bag,

1357
01:18:30.279 --> 01:18:33.079
but I have found that when I'm angry, I just

1358
01:18:33.119 --> 01:18:36.520
want to run and hide. I'm not like a I

1359
01:18:36.560 --> 01:18:39.199
have to take my aggression out person, which I am.

1360
01:18:39.520 --> 01:18:42.640
Once I'm hiding, then I'm sitting there stewing, and I

1361
01:18:42.680 --> 01:18:46.239
get very rageful. So in the closet we have a

1362
01:18:46.279 --> 01:18:52.359
screaming pillow, playtoh, fidgets, squeezy things. There's a fifteen minute rule.

1363
01:18:52.399 --> 01:18:55.880
If I storm up there, nobody's allowed to talk to

1364
01:18:55.920 --> 01:18:58.720
me for fifteen minutes unless they want.

1365
01:18:59.079 --> 01:18:59.159
It.

1366
01:18:59.279 --> 01:19:02.159
Sounds so messed up, but I literally I am in

1367
01:19:02.239 --> 01:19:06.079
DBT classes. I'm working on managing my anger. But right

1368
01:19:06.159 --> 01:19:08.680
now I'm having such a hard time controlling it that

1369
01:19:08.760 --> 01:19:13.279
I'm strongly suggesting people give me fifteen minutes to cool

1370
01:19:13.319 --> 01:19:17.600
down because I will snap. I just will. If you

1371
01:19:17.600 --> 01:19:18.920
come in, I'm gonna be like, oh, what are you

1372
01:19:19.199 --> 01:19:23.439
here with your legs walking in? Like just for no reason.

1373
01:19:23.520 --> 01:19:26.039
I'm just such a bitch for no reason. So anyways,

1374
01:19:27.399 --> 01:19:32.000
my advice is what the DBT teachers are telling me

1375
01:19:32.399 --> 01:19:37.600
directly to do in those moments. Try to identify the

1376
01:19:37.600 --> 01:19:40.000
moments leading up to it, because for me, it feels

1377
01:19:40.000 --> 01:19:43.439
like it's zero to one hundred, but there's lots of

1378
01:19:43.560 --> 01:19:47.920
little moments happening leading up to it. Over stimulation multiple

1379
01:19:48.319 --> 01:19:52.399
sounds happening at a time, incessant questions and stuff like that.

1380
01:19:52.920 --> 01:19:55.600
So I think starting to identify when those are happening

1381
01:19:55.680 --> 01:19:59.279
earlier and then removing yourself from the situation or doing

1382
01:19:59.319 --> 01:20:05.680
breathing action sizes or something you find therapeutic in the

1383
01:20:05.800 --> 01:20:09.039
early stages before it gets too bad has been helping

1384
01:20:09.079 --> 01:20:12.319
me a whole bunch. But I'm still learning myself, girls,

1385
01:20:12.359 --> 01:20:14.119
So if I find anything else down, I'll.

1386
01:20:13.960 --> 01:20:18.079
Tell you, thank you, appreciate it, thank you for being

1387
01:20:18.079 --> 01:20:21.800
here with me today on Quick Before You Forget. Please like,

1388
01:20:21.960 --> 01:20:25.039
share and subscribe as that helps the show so much

1389
01:20:25.079 --> 01:20:27.560
and I really appreciate it. And I'll see you next

1390
01:20:27.600 --> 01:20:29.399
time on Quick Before You Forget.