What Healing Actually Looks Like When Its Messy Hard and Real Tiffany Jenkins on Building a Good Life After Addiction

0:00 You have made a very worthy human speechless, my friend, I'm gonna need to know the story behind the yellow brick road sign in your house. Yeah. So, my mom was a huge fan of the Wizard of Oz, and so every time I hear the yellow brick road or anything, I think of her, and so I wanted to put it up to commemorate her. And so it's just so funny that you brought it up and I just happened to have just hung it. That's crazy, It's not. None of this is crazy because it was all It's all happening just as it was supposed to do. I believe that one hundred percent, particularly now that you just randomly have a yellow brick road sign in your house, Like, what are the chances of that? That is not normal?

1:10 Tiffany Jenkins, Welcome to quick before you. Forget hello, I am so happy to frickin be here. I am so happy you're here, and my friends are so happy you're here because you know what, you are, like a friend to me and a friend to them that we've all just never met. And for anybody that doesn't know who Tiffany Jenkins is, she is a two time New York Times bestselling author, speaker, and one of those super rare voices on the Internet who makes you laugh, cry, and feel understood all at the same time. When I first read the subtitle of her new book, newest book, I should say a Clean Mess, A memoir of sobriety after a lifetime of being numb, I had a full body reaction. I cried because that idea of coming back to a life after being numb feels so real so many of us, including me. Tiffany has this way of telling the truth in a way that makes you feel less alone, and today we're diving into what healing actually looks like when it's not neat, tidy or tied up in a bow. She's been such a good friend to me and to you, and her being here with us today is a dream come true. Tiffany, I'm so grateful you're here.

2:23 Holy cow, that was such a beautiful intro. Thank you so much for saying all those nice things. Well, it's all true. I appreciate it so much. I think you're amazing, and I love the name. Here's the thing to have it show up in my inbox, saying quick before you forget, and then having a calendar invite attached to it while asking the question was a dream come true. And if every person in my life from now on could communicate with me that way. Just I don't know if there's a correlation, but the quick before you forget, it's like you knew who I was. It's like you've probably asked me once back in you know, twenty nineteen to be on your podcast, and I'm just now getting the email, and here I am, and I'm so grateful to be here.

3:21 And I am a hot mess obviously, that's why I'm here. It's not a hot mess. And friends. She's referencing when we met in twenty nineteen. So Tiffany and I met in person at a meet and greet at her book event for High Achiever, which was her first book, and we met in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and we had the most kismet moment where I walked up to her and she completely took me off guard, and literally the first thing out of her mouth was you're so pretty. And I was like, uh, and she said, you're not going to say it back, well, dick, to which I say, you're so pretty. No, You're not a dick.

4:02 You're so pretty, you know, just took me six years to say it back, and I'm sorry for that. But ah, thank you. I've been waiting, I know. I mean, I know, I'm so sorry that's such a long wait. But you know I share, I know, we share this belief that our story is our superpower. So what I'd like to kind of do today a little bit is walk through your past, your present, your future a little bit, starting with a story from your childhood that shaped who you are today. Whoa fun and traumatizing. I just realized at first it sounded fun. Then the other memories came in and I'm like, oh, that definitely shaped me. Two things can be true.

4:44 Oh my gosh. I'm in DBT therapy and I'm learning that as we speak. Look at that, let's work, throw it together. Okay, perfect. So for me, I think something that really shaped my childhood was probably when my parents got divorced. Because I was my sister and I were eating an after school snack that my mom had made, which was so crazy because like she never made snacks, Like there was always snacks, but usually she'd be sleeping when we got home because she worked overnight, so we would get her own stuff. So the fact that there was like a setup was wild and suspicious, and I remember it being suspicious and we were eating and suddenly the police bursted through the front door, and we're like where is he?

5:34 And I looked at my mom and I'm like, oh, de hall are they talking about? Like should we get out up here? Like who's here? What do you mean? And freaking' they've ran. I just remember their footsteps bounding up and down the stairs, and then they came down with my dad and we're looking on We just started crying and I was looking at my mom like why isn't she saying anything? And she wasn't saying anything. And I remember being so like confused about her not saying anything. And I remember watching him comforting us as we were he was leaving, and from that he never came back.

6:17 We didn't see him for a while. I don't know what happened, but then my parents were just divorced. He just never came home. He just the life as I knew it just was different. And that was how it was different. It's like he was violently removed from us and ripped away from my childhood, is how it felt. And so he struggled with alcohol and drugs. Also all throughout my life, I've come to learn. But you know, we'd go to hang out with them. We went to the fair once and these people pulled up on a golf cart, and he went to talk to them and came back and was like, I'm gonna go have dinner with these gentlemen and I'll be back. And I was like, okay, weird timing, But and then his girlfriend started screaming and freaking out and crying and rushing us out of the fair.

7:03 And it's like I knew that he always was taken away all the time, and that with him it wasn't safe and stable, and with my mother it was and she was doing the best that she could at the time. But yeah, man, I obviously was never the same after that, because everything began to feel temporary. Everything that I started looking at things and being like, holy shit, that could go away at any moment, you know, if my whole lass parent could go away at any moment, like this toy that I love could definitely go away at any moment. And then I started coveting things and still to this day, like I can if my kid draws more than a circle on a piece of paper, like, I can't throw it away. It's really nuts. I'm such a I don't know, I hold on to everything because of that.

7:56 Well, you kind of answered it a little bit, but I'd like you to go a little deeper, because I thank you for sharing. The vulnerability with you is always real and I appreciate that. And I want to know how did those experiences when you were a child impact how you parent and how you want to parent, because I know that those are two those can be two different things sometimes, and I just want to be conscious and respectful of how it's always harder to be the parent that you want to be. So can you talk a little bit about how that's impacted you as a parent, but then you know how that impacts how you want to be as a parent.

8:37 Absolutely, when my dad left, it was just my mom and she was a bartender, and so she would work all night, and she would sleep all day, including like in the morning before school and after school. When we get home, she'd still be asleep, and the house would often be filthy to the point where, like I would go to one time, this is a humiliating story, and you know what, I don't even want to tell it because I feel bad because all my parents have died since, and I don't want to say anything that makes it. She tried her best, She did the best she could, but you know, we kind of grew up in a situation where the house wasn't super clean all the time.

9:20 And I just had an incident the other day where my daughter brought her friend in and they wanted ice cream and she was like, can wear the bowls? And my boyfriend was like, just wash one. And I became irate, like irrationally irate, and had to storm upstairs. And I'm like, do you know how humiliating that is, you know, to be the house in the hoa neighborhood where you have to wash a bowl if you want food, like, And it really like affected me in a way because I desperately don't want my children to grow up that environment, you know, where the kids can't come over, you can't have friends over, you know. But naturally, as a person, I can see how easily that happens. I can see how freaking simple it is to get backlogged, to get behind, and to want to just like right now, if you walked in my house, you'd be like, oh you oh okay, So that makes sense that you grew up that way, Like it's just nuts right now? If so? Anyway, that's my biggest fear. So because of that, Like I'm constantly, like obsessively like running around picking step.

10:43 Up, Like why aren't you guys packing step up? You know, I can't be like my mother's house, get it. And it still affects me daily because I want different for them. I also, you know, want to be present and be there when they get off to school and in the morning and when they come back from school because I didn't have that. I was very much a latchkey kid. But the problem is I'm so effing exhausted all the time that I find myself snooze in all the time. Even you know, we're sitting on the couch together and there's a minute where I can close my eyes like I'll take it, and I'm like, God, this is the same thing. I'm repeating the same thing. Is this okay? This feels like therapy? Was this a trick?

11:27 I what's going on here? Now? I've never talked about this ever in any ever podcast. I don't think people are gonna find clips of me talking about it seven times and be like you liar, but I truly don't recall ever speaking about this publicly. Tiffany, thank you, because I have unlocked a gift in myself, I think, and I can admit it out loud because I have had that happen multiple times, including with a sportscaster who I respected Meyer and I'm honored to call to a friend. Call a friend. His name is Jason Fitz and he was episode five, I think, and he cried like a sports guy. He started crying. He said, t I've told this story seven times. I don't know why I'm losing it. And I think what matters is you're talking to somebody who you might feel safe with.

12:19 And I see that as one of the highest honors that a person can have. So I'm thankful and grateful that you feel that way. And it's not weird at all to me that you would feel like a little bit like therapy, because you know what I want to do on this show, and like my whole purpose behind what I'm trying to build with this show is to provide a space where people can come and share their story, which I think everybody's story is valid, everybody's story matters, And because I know that people feel seen in true life stories, and you know there's people that feel seen and what you've just walked us through, and I'm grateful that you shared it. So I'm feeling like I want to apologize, but I also wanted to be like, no, it's totally fine. You're just you're just you're just we're family, right like, you're you're safe. You're safe here. So yeah, that's that's a good thing. And I want to tell you because one of the one of the tools in my tool belt for building my life from the ground up has been music. So I wanted to encourage you to please go listen to Alex Warren's song First Time on Earth if you haven't heard it yet, because you need that song in your life because it talks about how you know, he had his mom was an alcoholic and he has grown to appreciate the parenting she could do.

13:36 And I think that it's important for you to hear it, as you know, as a child of your parents, but then also as a parent to your kids, because you know they'll see you someday and they'll know you know, they'll understand more someday about why you were the way you were and why you parented, the way you parented, and why you were so tired. So let's talk. I guess a little bit more about the being tired stuff because it's legit, and I know it ties into a little bit of the depression, anxiety and the mental health stuff that we've walked through. So to the extent that you want to, and I know that this is a long and loaded answer, so take your time to the extent that you want to. For the like three people on this planet who have been living under a rock for the last ten years and don't know more about you, can you just kind of, like readers, digest your journey from that little girl who watched her dad get escorted out of her house to today as in as best you can, because, like I said, I know that there's a lot there and the people are going to have to read these two books to learn more about all that.

14:37 But before that, give them the cliff notes version. Okay, absolutely, I am. So I went on to my mom married a police officer, like less than a year later than that. I'm pretty sure maybe it was a little bit longer, but she went on to marry a police officer, which was so crazy because it was obviously the opposite of what I had been used to with my father. So suddenly there was rules, things were strict, things were rigid. You know, everything had a place, and there was a lot. Well listen, we're not going to get that deep. But I'm like, it made me a perfectionist and a people pleaser, and I just hear his voice in my head all the time, every time I put something down. But I became a cheerleader, and then I became captain of the cheerleading squad and most valuable cheerleader, and so you know, I excelled at that. So I was getting lots of positive attention. Everything was wonderful. And then I had my first sip of alcohol my senior year of high school after a game one night, and everything changed. I ended up dropping out of school like three months later and discovering a life of drugs and alcohol, and my parents were very confused. I didn't give a crap, and my life spiraled until two thousand and nine when my mom got lung cancer and passed away five months

16:11 later at age forty six or forty seven, super young, and I had been dabbling with drugs at that point, but then so I checked myself into a rehab because I found out I was getting a trust fund from her death, and I knew that I would spend that money killing myself. So I went to rehab. I wasn't ready, I was defiant. I was like, what do you mean? I can't smoke weed? Weeds? Now? My problem. My problem is these little weird pills I just discovered. And I thought I could, like, Scooch, do you want this to be conversational or me to just run a trap the whole time? Because I want to do it right.

16:54 Honestly, I want people to know your story. So however you feel comfortable sharing it it's more conversational, or whether you just want to talk is fine. I'm it doesn't matter to me. I just I think that I think that there are you know, there are humans out there who only know Tiffany Jenkins as the jug the funny juggling, the Jenkins skit girl, and like you're so your story has so much more to it. So that's why I thought, you know, it would be helpful for them to know. Of course, so if you ramble, go ahead and ramp, It's okay. You're safe here. Remember, yes, absolutely, thank you. And also I've held back from saying it three times and I'm still healing, so I have to say it. But I am. There's going to be many people who have no clue who the F I am, And so you've been talking about me in such a way that is so flattering and amazing, But then the there's a side of me who's like you better set people's expectations, you know what I mean.

17:53 So I just want to make sure everybody knows, like, I know that I'm not that cool as she's making me sound, and I know that you probably might not know who the F I am, and that is something I said out aloud to make myself better. So anyway, doing drugs, went to rehab by the way as one does, and I got out of rehab, and immediately, like as soon as I got out of rehab, I went and bought ingredients for my favorite drinks to celebrate leaving rehab because truly, like, none of this other stuff was my issue, I thought, and I was doing really great staying away from you know, my drug of choice, which was opiates at the time, and something I didn't even realize you could actually get addicted to because doctors give them to you.

18:46 I thought street drugs were things you could get too. I didn't understand. Yeah and sorry, So anyways things I met a police officer and that's when things went south. Because I was quote unquote sober and hadn't done my drug of choice yet. I thought, oh, this is perfect, this is exactly what I need in order to stay on track, because I remembered the stability and structure that he had provided for us and my mother. So I began dating him and ultimately ended up relapsing and hiding my addiction from him for about two and a half years until I was arrested and charged with very many felonies and gun charges, and that was my rock bottom.

19:36 And then what happened so much. I just needed a breather because it just gets crazier. Ah, that's take. All the breathers you needed, because I think the number of felonies was twenty, and from what I saw on the internet, right. Yes, yes, around between seventeen and twenty, some of them were dropped, so ultimately the end number was much less, thank goodness. So when she says it's a lot, it's a lot. It was twenty and I had never been in trouble so to go zero to twenty is crazy? And is that? Can you hear that noise in the background. My boyfriend's alarm is going off and he sleeps through them, and so I want to.

20:20 Actually hear it. Have to know your microphone's working, but it's not picking that up. Okay, perfect, drugs quick before I forget? Well what was I say? Okay, so you were taught you were we were at rock bottom? Oh, perfect, that's where we were, and so I've all been there. I mean that's the thing, Like you say rock bottom and you're like, that's my rock bottom and then you needed a second, like you needed a bump, like a break, and I'm oh, yeah, that's that's I get it. Yeah. So I it was three days in jail that I was like, Okay, the reality of this is too much.

21:02 I am born in a broken body. I was never meant to be a grown up. This is too much. I can't I can't deal with it. I actually tried to end my life on my third day in jail, and they saved me. And I was very angry that they saved me because I was like, how who, how could you decide I have to stay here and go through all the motions and do all this stuff. Are you gonna live inside my body and do everything for me? If not, how dare you bring me back and force me to do that? Like it felt like an assault to be saved. And I remember them taking me to medical, stripping me of all my clothes and my glasses and everything, and me still trying to end it like I wasn't done.

21:51 I remember leaning over the toilet and try. You know, I don't want to get too dark, but I was begging and the officers to hit me with their metal thingies, like I just I needed the pain to end. I could not deal with it. The physical withdrawal combined with the reality of the life that I created for myself was just too much. So they put me in a suicide watch and that's where I detoxed from drugs. And it was insane. It was horrible. It was horrific. But then my father visited me on Christmas in jail, which Christmas sucks in jail, if anyone's wondering, and he told me that he was sober himself and that he would always love me no matter what, and there was nothing I could do that would change that, essentially, and having that love when I couldn't love myself. They knew want to change, and that was when I started writing the judges and begging to go to rehab. And I went and spent six months in rehab where I wanted it.

23:10 This time, I dove in head first. I learned how to live a life without drugs, and I moved into a halfway house. And that was right when I met a cute boy at rehab and immediately got pregnant by him accidentally. Yay, friends, I had the I had the advantage of knowing that was coming, so I was prepared with my with my yays, that's so funny, because we need the levity, you know, like, and. Then what happened, Well, then I rode my bicycle over to his halfway house and told him it wasn't my bicycle.

23:58 I borrowed it from the roommate. I couldn't afford a bicycle. So I went and told him the happy news. I need you to know that we had only been it had been less than it was the first time we slept together. I got an overnight pass. So to have to tell him this news while he has a two year old already was like so awkward dude. Anyway, we decided obviously to get married immediately after only knowing each other for five months. So we got married even though we lived in separate half way houses, and we took public transportation back to our designated half way houses after the wedding and worked really hard on our recovery and saved up money and then moved in together right before I gave birth to my son, who was born on my birthday. Yeah again, And he was six months old when I found out I was pregnant again. Yay, what's it like? My daughter was born sixteen months after my son, and that was when his four year old from a previous relationship came to live with us full time when my daughter was.

25:21 Two weeks old. There's so much more to the story. And my boys are sixteen months apart, which I say was God's plan, not my plan. And as somebody that doesn't have Irish twins but also didn't have twins, sixteen months apart is like twins, Like I like, people don't understand. They're like, well, they're almost it's like it was almost two. No. Yeah. The thing about it's like having two small babies literally, So how did you navigate that, like with this new family and the new situation, like cause I know that you know, I mean, I kind of know the answer, but you talk us through it.

26:06 Not super awesome. I actually I developed postpartum depression. Not that it was anybody's fault or situational or anything like that. It just so happened to be like a bonus prize with the birth of my kid. And it was tough to go from being a single person in a halfway house to a married mom of three. And it was so overwhelming that there was a day I was gonna fake my kidnapping. I'm not joking. I was literally That's why when I hear in the news, like these people finking their kidnapping, like, is it effed up in a waste? Yes? Do I get it? Hell? Yeah, I get it.

26:47 Yeah it is. I felt so trapped because, Okay, I couldn't complain about motherhood because I didn't want him to regret choosing me as a lady to marry and have his children. I couldn't ask for help because I didn't want him to think I couldn't handle it. And I couldn't talk to my friends about how miserable I was because they all looked so thrilled and happy with their little bundles of joy, and so I just isolated. I'm like, I am a monster, Like I would dread going to bed at night because it meant waking up the next day and having to take care of the kids. Like I did not handle it well. It was really bad. And then one day I called my guynecologists and I was like, I just want to let you know that I am. I decided to resign as a mother, and I'm going to go ahead and leave these kids in the crib and I'm going to run out in the woods. And I just wanted to let somebody know. And they're like, you need to come in immediately. And they got me in immediately, I mean an emergency appointment, which was unexpected, and they had the conversation with me like they'd had in a million times and said I had postpartum and started getting help for myself, started getting help for my daughter, who bt Dubbs had a dairy allergy, colic and acid reflux all at once. Then I don't care how good of a parent you are. When a child is screeching at you from sun up to sundown. It's going to be really tough to bond with that baby. It's going to

28:20 be really hard. And that was something that I struggled with. And you love those kids like you love them so much, and being a mom has you know, there's this there's this thing with growing up on the internet right like you you know, it's We've gotten to watch you make choices that show that you love your kids so dang much. So at some point on this journey of the down and the sad and the hard things, you found your way to the internet sharing a lot about it, like bridge that gap for us.

29:00 Yes, So I started on the internet right after my guynecologists actually suggest that I start writing about what was going on in my head to help get it out of there. And so I was like, because I take things to the extreme all the time. I was like, I'll see you're writing about my issue, and I'll raise you one entire blog because blogging at the time was a thing. And I remember my sister calling me and being like, have you seen these blogs? These moms are just writing about what motherhood is like and dah da da da da, and it's always so perfect and stuff and like recipes and how to be an amazing you know, wife to your spouse and all the shit. And I'm like, dude, that's crazy because that's not what's going on over here.

29:49 What is happening. What core you fixed it? You're fixing it. So I said, we can't be having that. I genuinely though in that moment, I realized how fed up I was, right, so quote unquote how effed up I was. So I was like, oh, man, okay, I am failing. Actually there's nobody that looks like me, and I have to do something about that immediately. And so I started juggling the Jenkins, which is where the effing name comes from, because everybody was due doing, like, you know, balancing the Bailey's and whatever.

30:33 So I was like, juggling the Jiggins. That's perfect. And by the way, it's not perfect because it would just be Jenkins's. Juggling the Jenkins is is what it would be, right, But I'm not good at grammar, so juggling the Jenkins it does. It's like jug anyway, It's fine. Nobody seen to mind. Yeah, so I don't know, did you get people were the grammar police after you? Not once, which is so crazy because now they will be near. I know, we pointed it out, so. Yeah, I'll be like, I don't even know who Jenkins is anymore. I don't even that's not even my name.

31:13 I've thought about it too, I've thought about poor guy, like he's just trying to get the hell away from me. Okay, wait, I'm skipping ahead. Sorry. Yeah. So I started making when I started putting myself out on the internet my real stuff. So many moms were like, oh my gosh effing thank you, and I was like, no, dude, what, thank you? I'm not alone, seriously, like I it was the people, the supporters telling me like, hey, it's a nightmare over here too, lady, You're not alone that made me realize, holy shit, okay, I'm not a monster, I'm not a psychopath. This is normal.

31:55 And it was only because other people were brave enough to say, you know me too, you no punitent, you know whatever, that I realized I wasn't alone and that really inspired me. So then I opened up even more and started talking about jail, and that was when things really took off because at the time it was very much like an addiction anonymous, and at the time it wasn't super prevalent for people to be coming online and breaking their innanimity and saying I'm an addict, you know, publicly, not that it wasn't happening, because of course it was surely happening. That's how I got inspired, I'm sure. But once I started putting that stuff out there, the amount of people who's gratitude like opt a level, like when I thought it couldn't get any more supportive. And that was when I was like, Okay, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. And that was how everything started.

33:00 And I just started literally saying anything that popped into my brain on the internet. And that's what you know. It's hard too, probably a little bit, because you know you, I feel like you're I don't know how to say it, but like the there's no fear, but yet like you still take things very like they're very real to you. When some like you get like the rage comments, the hate comments, like girl talk to. Me, Oh man, I can't listen. That's so true. It's so true. I'm like, everybody makes me feel great. And then I'll cry about comments it's so bad to the point where I can't read them anymore. I will check the comments as soon as I post it, just to make sure there's no like nips lips or anything crazy in the background, you know what I mean. Someone's like, you have a dead body back there? Okay, yeah again, and I shoot so I God, I always make stupid jokes and then get very derailed and forget what I was saying.

34:07 Oh yeah, well here, I'll get us back on track with a actual There's a video on the internet that I shared of yours where you responded to a comment you got on your High Achiever book tour. So there was a fella named Jimmy Gough, Yeah, you know, the Jimmy, and he had a thought. And I don't want to say anymore because you remember. I was ready to tell you more, but you remember, So tell me tell it, walk us through the Jimmy question and how you responded to it and why. I don't want to miss quote Jimmy though, because in my mind he cussed me out and he did a whore. Well it was it was a different word, but we don't need to we don't need to go there. It was he called you a bad word and said this addiction, yes, and hashtag addiction isn't funny?

34:55 Yeah, that's right. Came to my live show and said it addiction isn't funny. To heckle you. Yeah, that's right, and I there's my phone. I've been looking all over for it. Yay. I'm so sorry. This is relliant. Where is it? No, it's okay. I think I honestly don't think that people that are watching this would expect anything different from our consocration. No, don't, don't. I can't hear you. I'm not kidding. I was panicking. I was panicking before this podcast because I'm like, well, hopefully she doesn't need me to reference my phone because it's gone forever into the ether. I can't find it. Oh wait, I'm glad we found it.

35:36 Yeah, that was so obnoxious. I apologize. Jimmy fucking Jimmy, fucking Jimmy. Um hold on. Uh yeah. So basically, he came to a comedy show about addiction and said, addiction isn't funny, and I just reminded him, like, it's not funny. It's not funny in any way. People are dying every day, and it's because they feel like they can't come forward and talk about their addiction. It's because they feel shame and guilt and because there's people like you Jimmy out there who make people afraid to come forward by talking about their truth. But if I am making people laugh, they tend to listen more. And so if I can make it's not that I'm making fun of addiction. It's that I'm using humor to bring awareness about a subject that people feel weird talking about. And hopefully if they're laughing, it means they're listening.

36:43 And life after addiction is possible. Like that was I think one of the other things you said in your response to him was that life You know, people need that reminder too. Yeah. I actually have that printed on a plaque because of how somebody printed that out for me, because of how often I say it. Life after a day as possible, an amazing, beautiful, super cool life after addiction is possible, and there's no such thing as a lost cause it's never too late to start over. It's really not. And if I can do it, anybody can do it, and Jimmy can go f himself. I'm just kidding. I didn't say that you. Can count that. I apologize. I didn't say that to him.

37:23 Well, I want to use this opportunity to share something that I've been holding back on because I feel like people need to be aware that stories like yours and sharing and talking about it as openly and vulnerably and transparently as you have can have a ripple effect in very real lives, in very real ways. So, without going into like a crazy amount of detail, you know, I shared with our friends here that I met Tiffany at a show in twenty nineteen, and it was right after I had attended a conference called Rise with Rachel Hollis, and I was feeling so fired up and so good and so ready to start this amazing new fresh life of all all the things. I mean, without going into too much detail, just I was very optimistic about the future.

38:16 And then I got very, very sick. And the sickness had everything to do with my own struggle with alcohol. I couldn't cut alcohol out. I also snuck alcohol and hid it from my husband for years after. It was for me. It was a coping strategy. So after I lost my dad super early at twenty three, he was forty eight, and I didn't I did not cope well, drank way too much, and I was young, so I was in that era of like the partying, and like the friends were, you know, thinking they were being helpful by getting buying the rounds of shots, but really I was just getting It was getting worse and worse and worse. And you know, I had I got diagnosed at thirty five years old. Since I've met since I met you, I got diagnosed at thirty five years old with cirrhosis and told that I would need a liver transplant probably soon.

39:11 And then, oh my gosh, I thought sorosis was a skin condition. I'm so stupid crisis psoriasis. So sorosis is the liver, like liver failure. Yeah that's not good, dude, No, no, it was. It was very bad, and it happened during COVID. It was super scary. So I was in the hospital twice for a combined total of sixteen days, and then I went to I was on the mend, but I had I looked pregnant, like I looked like nine months pregnant. And it's because I had a condition called Assiet's, which happens when you have as bad of liver problems as I had. So you know, it's actually part of why I named the show Quick Before you forget because I've originally was going to name it quick before I forget, because my doctors when I was really sick told me that I would probably forget a lot soon. They were surprised at how cognitively able I was based on how bad my body, how bad of shape my body was in.

40:09 So this happened in twenty twenty one and twenty twenty two, and for me, I don't actually know, and I still was dabbling. I was still sneaking alcohol at certain points in there, making it all worse. And there was a point though, where I was getting wheelchaired out of my second procedure to surgically remove fluid from my stomach. So I'd had two procedures to surgically remove a total of eleven liters of fluid from my stomach and I was being wheelchaired out because I couldn't walk, and they at that point said that that was a procedure that would be needed weekly, and I was like, you know what, that's it, Like I'm done, and I don't I don't know exactly what my you know, we talk about like sobriety dates and stuff. I don't know when mine was.

40:55 But for me, like in my head, it was that day because I said, no, that's enough, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this weekly. And since then, obviously there's been some time. There's been some hard work, some prayer, and a lot of attention to what I consume content wise, So content like yours and other content that uplifts and empowers and helps you, you know, inspires rather than pulls you down. I've been very conscious about all of that, and I'm super super excited and very grateful to share with you very long story short that I now you know, I've lost eighty pounds, I've got twenty inches off of my waist, and I am in many ways happier and healthier as a forty year old than I was at twenty five. So that has a lot to do with people like you sharing your story. And it's messy, amazing glory with the world because people like you sharing your story like that has an impact. And I wanted to like kind of level set there with you because you're funny and I love it, and I know that jokes sometimes like offset the hard things, you know, for on purpose, but I'm just so grateful and and then that takes me kind of full circle because there was there was a post that I resonated with back in twenty nineteen actually where you actually said the words like gratitude changes everything.

42:16 And then you even mentioned a couple of times in this conversation we've had about being grateful and gratitude. And that's why I'm That's why when I say this is a dream come true, this conversation, it's not not just because you're amazing and I you know, a big fan of your work, but because I have this, I've been given this gift of actually being able to say, just to a hero of mine, thank you. Gee wow, ah uh, you're welcome. First of all, I'd like to make sure you know how freaking welcome you are. I am truly honored to be a part of your journey.

42:58 And it's so funny because I'm being all the way honest right now with like the season that I'm in, hearing that feels like you're talking about somebody else, Like there's this version of me right now is so not accepting of that information. Like it's so hard to believe that somehow I could have impacted you in that way, because in this season I'm having trouble getting my own but up out of bed and you know, going through the motions and doing life. So this is an incredible reminder for me that like, this is not this version of me is not who I am, you know, and that it's not who I'm going to be forever. That this is just a season that I'm going through. I can only assume so that one day I can help other people who are in a similar season. Maybe I'm hoping that that's what the reason is that I'm going through this stason right out like it's such a crappy season.

44:00 It's not. It's a great That's the thing. The way that I'm viewing the season is through a very crappy lens. It's not that the season itself is crappy, because truly, if I were to look at it objectively, everything is freaking amazing. I have the love of my life. My children are healthy and thriving. My family is bigger than I anticipated, but more love in the home than I could have dreamt. I have vehicles that get me places. I don't have to use my legs, you know what I mean, Like there's technology that exists. You're in your house. I'm in my house, and we're getting to talk and hang out with our friends. I don't know, like, things are really great, but my inability or refusal to see them for what they are is what gets me into so much trouble all the time. It's almost like I'm more comfortable with my curmudgeon glasses on.

44:55 Well, let me remind you then of a quote that is actually your quote that is one of my favorite quotes of which is a flicker of hope in one's heart is capable of lighting the path to a new destiny. You said that, I know that this feels very weird right now. But it makes me wonder like, and maybe we need to have this reminder, like maybe we need to talk through this stuff. And I'm not you know, you said like before it I felt a little bit like therapy. And I don't think I'm gonna apologize for that, because there's that's all. That's a good thing. I wasn't complaining. I just think you're really good at it. I thought you were a therapist or something. Well, I do have a master's degree in clinical psychology, and that does come across more frequently than I think I realized. But also, where has your and this is a good thing, like this is good, Like, let's talk through it together, because I can't dig I can't dig you out of the hole. Only you can do that.

45:48 But where has your hope led you from twenty nineteen to today, and where do you want it to lead you in the future. I'm going to absolutely answer this, but I just want to tell you that was such a flex what you said. I'm like, this feels like therapy. You're like, well, I am a clinical psychologist and I have a master's degree in brains, so that might be like that was a flex, dude, because I didn't know that about you, and so my dumbass is like, oh my god, this feels like therapy, and you're like, well, I am the creator of therapy. That makes sense that you would feel that way, which.

46:28 Is so funny because I didn't mean it to be a flex, but thank you. I know it was to be able to just say that I have a master. I know my mom's been telling me that I need to put that up here instead of all my swifty stuff, and I need to get on that. I'm dead. Is that Taylor Swift? Yes? Yes, if you don't put your master's degrees and shit up there, I swear I will lose my mind. That's hilarious. I wonder what Taylor would do if she knew anyway, I apologize. I wonder too. I mean, this is to be fair, guys, the people that are listening instead of watching, watching, we have. We have a lot going on behind me, including Tiffany's two New York Times best selling books, including my Oh shit what.

47:14 I was going to correct you the first time because I didn't want. I thought they were both New York Times. I didn't want, No, just one of them, the new one, right, yeah. I googled it special. So we're just going to call it a best selling book because it was maybe not New York Times best selling, but it was at selling book. The new one was the New York Times best selling book. The first one was a best selling book, just not New York Times. Roger. That so okay, which is surprising that it's not the other way around. And I don't think I should say that out loud. Actually, well you can say it out loud because the first book was phenomenal and maybe just less people know about it. No, no, no, oh maybe maybe maybe. But also, I mean I wrote the book, and I probably and I had a completely different cover, and there were so many typos, and there was different character names for the same character within the book. Like it was nuts until Penguin Random House picked it up and started publishing it, and then it was nice and tidy. But the reason is because the second book, the second book makes me feel some type of way, And I'm not supposed to say that as an author. I don't think my publishing company will like it that I'm saying it. But like, I wrote this book for what it was going to be, a love story about two attics surviving the trials and tribulations of parenting and everything that comes with it. And I

48:46 submitted the manuscript and then the ending of the book changed in real life and it was no longer a happy ending about two addics. We were actually getting divorced now. And so to have this book go to publication with what it was would have been so bad for a million reasons. People are reading it while looking at at the time, you know, we were like, what is it going to be headlined? What are we going to have to deal with? Da da da? At the same time the divorce is happening. So I had to take the manuscript back and completely rewrite the book. Dude, that's a lot. Like that's so I also have and I also have industry experience in like the line editing process of a few books. So I can't even imagine what that. I mean, how'd you do that?

49:42 They were under duress basically, and I'm not getting like I I would cry and frustration because I was like, this is I'm going through a divorce and having to write about it for the world to see, and I have to find way to do that that doesn't tell the entire truth, because the entire truth would just destroy so many people, you know. So it was like having to put my anger and my resentment and my shock and frustration to the side to write this character in a way that didn't destroy them so that when our kids read it in the future, they don't hate anyone, you know what I mean? Yeah, you know in my part too, Like I could have if I would have written about his part, I would have had to have written about my part, which is that I'm actually, like really difficult in real life, and I am very volatile at.

50:39 Times, and the world honestly loves you for it. You don't know if they love my boyfriend doesn't love me for that. Well that's not true either. Goodness gracious, So you do have a new boyfriend and you guys have like a new page and a new like brand that you're working on. Talk us through that. Yeah, we did do that. We did do that. We did do that. But almost immediately I was like, oh, it's time for me to have a mental break down. And so we set up this page. I got like seventy six thousand followers to come over somehow, so freaking shocked, truly shocked.

51:22 Because I marketed the page as crafting. I'm like, if you're coming for juggling the Jenkins content, you're gonna be disappointed. We're crafting over here, and we're not worried about the algorithm. We're not worried about being verified. I can't deal with that life. I just want to create cool shit with my boyfriend and show you guys, and if we can make some bread in the meantime, awesome. So yeah, so I'm like, let's do it, and we're all gung ho, and then my ADHD kicked in and it's like, but we have so much laundry, let's just work on that. And then it's like, oh, you always wanted to put frosted glass over the glass windows. Let's do that, And then I just kept putting everything else that I've wanted to do in front of it. And work has been kind of like triggering for me a little bit lately, so I've been trying to stay away from it, which is unfortunate because it's like, we're like grand opening of this restaurant. You guys, come on in. We got the best food in town. It's gonna be so amazing. We're gonna feed you every day. And then they sit down at the table and then the waiters come out with the metal things and lift it up and it's nothing, and everybody's like, okay, thank you, glad we're here. What do you What do we get for? That's how it feels.

52:33 And so then there's that pressure and that shame and that guilt that I like to add on to my shoulders, and I'm like, well, let's feel this for a while and punish ourselves because we deserve that, and yeah, you do. You don't, first of all, as you know, I know you know that, but you absolutely don't deserve the extra luggage, right. It would encourage you to please go watch my last there's an episode that came out last week with Burke Floyd. He's an actor, and he shared this analogy about luggage and how we all have luggage and we're all on this journey of life together with our luggage, and we can choose to put our luggage down at the door and go into the party and have a great time.

53:14 But then we pick up our luggage and we also happen to find some friends with similar luggage along the way. So go on, and I I may have just spoiled the whole story, but go go listen to it. Go watch it. Did you need a clip? That part isn't a clip yet, But the whole episode is fire and it's long, but I'll listen to the whole thing. Thank you. It's a good time. It's a good time. And there was a point you said about the guilt and the shame, and you know what that did for my brain? That actually led me to a funny place because you used to do these skits and I don't know that you're still doing them, but you used to do these skits with all the emotions like anger and all the things, and you know what I'm talking about. But maybe people don't, And I'm just wondering, do you have a favorite one of those, because like I want to, like go find it and relive the joy that that brought us, you know, six years ago, or however wrong it was, Yeah, that there was. I think.

54:12 I want to say seven parts, but I could be wrong. I could be wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. Me versus anxiety was seven parts. That one is if my brain had a morning meeting, and it's basically where my brain is standing at the end of the table with depression and anxiety and fatigue and hope and rage and all the people mostly negative that meet at the morning meeting before I wake up for the day and they're all conspiring of how they can f up my day. All of them are significant to me because they all took Like there was one that I did. I don't know, it's hard to explain, Like there was one that I did during COVID where it's like what my brain is doing during COVID, and then there's one that's like what my brain is doing during the summer with the kids and what my brain I think the first one that I ever did is my favorite because it really took off and it really had people identifying parts of themselves that they hadn't previously, and it allowed people to realize, like, hey, this is an actual, real thing that happens. It's happening in my brain too. I'm not the only one, and now I can identify these parts of me for what they are. And that was really cool feedback to get Every video I made, I made because it was something that I was going through and I had hoped that

55:46 even to this day, if one person I just looked for one comment that is like I needed this, and then I stopped checking comments because that's it. That's the only reason that I do the shit is to I mean, that's not the only reason. Like my video doesn't make money, and I want to be able to pay for my family is food and house and stuff, Like I don't want to be one of those people who's like I did. I'll be honest. It generates income and I need that to survive. However, my passion the reason, the thing that wakes me up in the morning and keeps me going and subjecting myself to all you know, the internet hate and all of that. The only thing it's not money, it's hearing somebody realize that a part of themselves that they've been shaming and hiding and regretting now has a name and other cohorts out there doing the same thing to other people. That's the reason.

56:49 Making people feel seen and honestly like they're not alone. That's it. That's my whole point. And I truly when people are like, what's the point of life? I think that's it. I can't think of any other you know. I mean, I'm sure there's go on and pro create and things like that, but I really think the point of life is to have experiences so that you can help other people when they have theirs. Yeah, human connection is everything to me, and we all have the gift of connection to so many more people than we realize. And that tends to happen more viscerally, I guess through stories and through you know, just the sharing, the humor of all those emotions meeting on a morning, meeting to annihilate your day, because that's honestly what happened.

57:42 Like they all were just like, Nope, she's not going to do life today. But Hope was there and we love hope, right, Like, Yeah, do you ever have a moment where you thought to yourself, like I've done the work, Why is this still so hard? Yes, but a part of me also knows that I haven't necessarily done all that I could. Like right now, I'm taking intense DBT classes. It's an eighteen week course in person, and I have homework, and so I keep procrastinating so I'll leave the class and then it leaves my mind, and instead of like diving back into the material later that night or doing my anger log or whatever, I find myself putting it off, putting it off, putting it off until Tuesday, and then I'm like, shit, I have class now I have to do it. And so it's like I was talking to my partner and I'm like, you know, I am doing the work. We weren't. That's not how we talk to each other, but that's my frustrated tone. Like it was like I am doing the work, like I am trying to be better, and he was just simply like are you And I was like yeah. Oh.

59:16 I didn't say oh out loud because that would have admitted defeat, but I thought it. I thought, oh crap, he's right, He's right. And that's the thing is, like I know that anything I put my mind to truly, and this is going to sound really conceited and ft up, but it's my truth. Anything I put my mind to, I do really amazing. Anything I want, it's gonna be bombed. But if there's something that I want but it is hard, then that's when I get stuck.

59:58 And that's when it's most important that you can going honestly, because the growth is on the other side, right like that, then it sucks because it it. I mean, as somebody that's been through when work through some big losses and hard things in my life, I can say with some level of experience actually that generally speaking, the times when you think it's the lowest and like it's the hardest and you're working so hard and why is nothing happening, it's because you're close. Like it's because like it's right there and you get to like keep going, you know. I like that. Well, it's it's my advice, and I'm curious if you have advice too, But it's my advice for anybody that feels like they're failing at healing, because healing is a journey and it's it's it's not it's not a straight line.

1:00:45 It's definitely something that like, it keeps you guessing, keeps you on your toes, and everybody has to do it, so like, and I think everybody's felt like they've failed at healing. And I feel like that's maybe where you're in in your season right now, is like you feel like like not rocking at this whole healing journey. So maybe you're giving advice to yourself. I don't know, but you need to give advice to yourself then you know the channel that you that gets stuff done, and give yourself and the world some advice on how to work through failing at healing. Mmmm. Absolutely, I Did's so true. I've been doing a lot of work on like I yeah, identifying those parts of me that are trying to sabotage me, and like, I know, there's so many. There's like a a mom with boxing gloves who's ready to just fight everybody all the time and protect our kids. There's like a scared little kid in there. And I just conf Why am I telling you?

1:01:52 What were we talking about? I'm so sorry, my brain don't apologize. So no, you were talking about. We were talking advice for yourself when you're failing, when you feel again because you're not failing because you're trying, right, you feel like you're failing at healing. Oh yeah, thank you, because I had something I wanted to say. But then I think I just started saying words because I forgot what happens quick forget. Yes, I have always heard people say healing isn't linear, and it's just one of those things that I've heard and it's just gone in one ear and out the other, and I'm like, Okay, healing isn't linear, okay, but you know what I mean. Healing isn't a straight line. Okay, okay.

1:02:35 Like but then the other day, like I listened to it, like I heard it for the first time because I was like, dude, yesterday was such a bad day for me and my regulating of my emotions, but today I did better, and last week was so terrible, even though the week before that was better. So that's what I'll do, is I'll have a great week and then i'll do something and it feels like a regression. I'm like, I'll never be better. I'll always be this way, you know what I mean. And then it gets better and so I'm like, holy crap, this stuff like ebbs and flows, that's crazy, and then I'm like, healing isn't linear. There it is, that's what they mean.

1:03:30 That was the craziest wave. Yeah, I heard it for the first time in that experience of like, oh, so, what I want I would say to somebody is like, what that means when healing isn't linear? Is there just gonna be times where you want to die and you're like, there's no point, this sucks, this is horrible, I want to give up. I'll never be better. My brain is just a whore and everything sucks. Like then it's not gonna feel that way later that night, and you're gonna feel so inspired and you're like, I'm gonna do amazing. I'm gonna heal better than anybody's ever healed, and I'm gonna have a crown for the best healer of all the heels. And then the next day you have a regression or an episode and it's back to the pits of hell, and so like, healing isn't linear means you're literally gonna go through those emotions and but it's normal. And I guess I didn't realize that. I guess I thought, as long as there's an upward trajectory, you're doing it right.

1:04:37 Nope, that's get goes both ways exactly, and. I just realized that recently, So it's kind of crazy. You hit the nail on the head when you said that about me. It sounds like I'm going through that healing is up and down part and that's exactly where I'm at. Yeah, it's very confusing, and especially when I have people in the meantime, like you, my beautiful friend, who are like because of you, you know what I mean, Like you somehow helped me, is what you're saying to me, And it's like, I'm at the bottom part of the healing right now and can't believe what you're saying because it's just me down in the trenches, feeling like a shell of a person.

1:05:18 You know what I mean, I do. And because your cup is yellow, I see that as a sign that I'm supposed to share this with you. And I also have this I never finished the Taylor Slip. There's just two twit Taylor slip. There's a relic up here that says it's the Long Pond Sessions, and then there's Taylor doing her fearless heart on the other side. But then there's also a yellow brick road, wicked Lego that I love so much because I believe the yellow brick road leads us where we need to go. I believe, I believe in God and his power in my life, and he has been guiding me on this path that doesn't make any sense, like it honestly, like it feels like a dream that doesn't make any sense. But I keep showing up, and good things keep happening, and I keep saying good will come of this. Good things are happening good.

1:06:04 You know. It's like mantras that I've been telling myself, and I do believe, and you know, like without its doing like a flex or conceited or whatever, I do believe that we you and I, you know, after you know, being very not not super connected on the internet, but like aware of each other on the internet for six whole years, came together. Our path came together right now as it did today for a really important reason. And I think that you know, you the timing of me deciding because I shared with you before we went on that you know, peek behind the curtain friends. But I shared with her before we went on that I thought I'd maybe share a little bit more about my story in this conversation because I hadn't for a lot of different reasons, I hadn't really talked about my sobriety journey too much on this podcast. Yet it's brand new, and it's a lot to digest for people, it's a lot for me to digest out loud, and I decided that today was the day I was like, well, with Tiffany, I feel safe because I feel like I can like she'll she'll understand at a deeper level that you know, maybe a different guest might not. But the reason for my rambling is I do believe that what you put out into the world comes back to you. And maybe that's a little bit of what's happening for us today, because what you've put into the world, Tiffany, regardless of how trench you feel right now, has been a lot of very good things, and I am very grateful for it.

1:07:26 And you know, if our conversation brings light, like you said, to one person, that's all that matters. I haven't figured out how to make a single penny off of any of this yet, and you know that's okay. It's okay. I I know what will happen because I believe like I just I have to say that we'll talk. Can you give me two seconds really quick? All right? Of course she's coming, she's leaving, just so she comes back. Don duh the suspence.

1:08:12 I don't know why I'm dancing because there's imaginary music. Isn't mentioned her music? Sorry? What are you laughing? No? I was just dancing and dancing with myself. It's fine. I had to grab this. To grab this. Stop. Can you see I can't? It says yellow brick road. Yeah, isn't that crazy? But isn't that crazy? You have made a very worthy human speechless, my friend. I'm gonna need to know the story behind the yellow brick road sign in your house. Yeah. So, my mom was a huge fan of the Wizard of Oz, and so every time I hear the yellow brick Road or anything, I think of her, and so I wanted to put it up to commemorate her.

1:09:06 And so it's just so funny that you brought it up and I just happened to have just hung it. That's crazy, It's not. None of this is crazy because it was all It's all happening just as it was supposed to do. I believe that one hundred percent, particularly now that you just randomly have a yellow brick road sign in your house, like, what are the chances of that that is not normal? And then none of this has been and I haven't even you know what, I haven't even I haven't even asked like a single of my normal questions. No, don't be sorry, I just don't. I don't think we need to. I think this conversation has been beautiful and I'm grateful, and I do have one thing that I don't want to not ask you because it's super important to me to ask you because I would. I feel like if I were you, I would love this question. So tell me what is it? Because we talked about Jimmy right, So what is a question that you were that you wish somebody would ask you? Like question that you've got it like in the chamber, you're ready to go with your answer and you just have nobody's asked you that question.

1:10:09 Oh, I mean I Oh, this is so such. I love this question. You're right, but it's so tricky because it's a very self serving question. I feel like I've been asked a lot of questions. I can't really think of any regular questions I'm like man, because I usually would just volunteer that information if I wanted somebody to know it. Right, so make it self serving, then that's okay, and that's part of why you're here. It's something I mean, nobody could ever ask me that.

1:10:50 But if somebody were to ask me, have you chosen to protect others over financial gain in your life on your platform? Have you chosen to keep things quiet for multiple people when you could have told your own truth and the events would be so shocking that you could be a millionaire, but have chosen to take the high road and not do that. Have you ever done that?

1:11:38 I would love the opportunity to be like, fuck, yes I have, and it almost killed me and it sent me to a psych word, But I know that I did the right thing. And I just hope that in whatever life or experience comes after this one, that there will be some sort of checklist that someone goes off of sees all of the personal sacrifices I've made to protect others, and that there's some sort of reward afterward, because yes, emphatically, yes, I have remained silent and almost died to protect other people on the Internet, and in turn became fuck, this got so see what I mean, this got so dark. This got so dark, and I knew it would. It's such a I've talked about everything except the things I can't talk about. I've been asked everything except the questions I can't answer. And I'm an open book except for a few parts of my life that I had to continue to show up to work and smile when the reality of what I was going through was so shocking that it would make people's jaws

1:13:08 drop open. Thank you for continuing to keep going regardless of all that, because it's not the answer I expected at all. And it's okay that it got dark, Like it's it's good. You know. I think it's really important for people to see all of it. And I I mean without any amount of without any amount of really like measurable success so far, I show up as my whole self on the internet too, and you know, you pave the way for people to do that, and that's that's a beautiful thing. So, you know, because of the reasons that we've talked about with like just feeling less alone and feeling like you know, they're I felt scene in what you shared, like and I know that there are others that also will feel seen in what you shared, so you shouldn't feel the need to I understand why you want to apologize for like going dark, but like I feel like you shouldn't feel the need to apologize for it because you're just being you and you are just telling the truth, and nobody can nobody can you know, speak otherwise when you're just being you, when you're just telling the truth. Thanks, you're welcome.

1:14:29 And I lied one more question because it's it's important to me. If you if I handed you a megaphone and everybody had to listen, like the world at large had to listen to Tiffany Jenkins in this moment with this megaphone, what would you. Say, stop being dicks to each other? Yeah, like in general, just everybody stopping dicks with like what legit? Yeah, just stop just stop it? Yeah, Yeah, agreed, that's it. That's the first thing I'd yell, right, Yeah, what are we doing? None of us know what the we're doing on this ball of rock floating through the sky in a galaxy. Why why can't we all just admit we're freaking out and have no clue what the f is going on?

1:15:11 Why can't we all just be honest with each other and be like, oh, sorry, I didn't know that, thank you for telling me instead of you piece of shit. I don't know why I did that accent. There's no significance. I'm so sorry. I don't know. I just think everybody could be a little less douche baggy. I agree. Treat I mean, it's the golden rule. Like it sounds so silly, but like, just treat others like you'd want to be treated. And that's not that that should be so much easier than we make it. So, I mean I could talk to you forever, I can ask you for hours, and I mean, I mean, maybe now we just lock in, like we're going to have to do this again because we're gonna pete, We're gonna need to check in, like we're gonna need to know how you're doing. Absolutely, we're not in the we're not in the best place right now.

1:15:57 But I know, I'm so sorry. Should I not be doing podcast interviews right now? You should be, because it's I'm not. I'm honestly not trying to, like because there's like a whole record of this on the internet, so people can go and they can see the truth, which is that I have been a you know, I have been a fan, and I'm not Everything that I'm saying isn't lip service, like it's legitimately the truth in my heart. So that's why I can say, like, it's actually so refreshing and so important for people to see all the sides of the things. And and that is people will everybody has the luggage, you know, and people will feel less alone because they know that like the journey. You know, you can be you know, an influencer at your level and have the success that you've had, and you know what, it's not honestly all sunshine and rainbows sometimes, and that's that's a good thing for people to have that little bit of like a reality check of like, no, she is just like us, and that's like, that's kind of the whole point of what you've done this whole time, is that you are just like us, and that's what people will feel seen in. So absolutely, keep doing podcasts, keep showing up for you, keep showing up for us, keep showing up for that family of yours, and you know, we'll see you again some you know, another time.

1:17:22 Absolutely, I'd love to do a part two follow up. Yeah, great, sounds good. You heard it here first friends, So we will see you next time on quick before you forget bye, Tonny, I have a question from a friend. So before I know, I keep saying we're wrapping, and then I keep going back on my word. But my friend Susie asked this question, and I would be doing a disservice if I don't follow through. So her question was, and I'm going to read it word for a word, what coping skills do you use when you feel like you're going to explode? For example, she writes, she used to run, which she can't do right now. So how do you shake it off, as our girl Taylor would say, when the anxiety and stress is becoming too overwhelming.

1:18:07 That's a really good question, and it's really interesting to answer this question from the perspective that I'm in, which is in the midst of these bouts of rage and anger and overwhelm and going zero to one hundred and feeling like I'm going to literally explode, and so some things that have helped me. We bought a punching bag, but I have found that when I'm angry, I just want to run and hide. I'm not like a I have to take my aggression out person, which I am. Once I'm hiding, then I'm sitting there stewing, and I get very rageful. So in the closet we have a screaming pillow, playtoh, fidgets, squeezy things. There's a fifteen minute rule.

1:18:52 If I storm up there, nobody's allowed to talk to me for fifteen minutes unless they want. It. Sounds so messed up, but I literally I am in DBT classes. I'm working on managing my anger. But right now I'm having such a hard time controlling it that I'm strongly suggesting people give me fifteen minutes to cool down because I will snap. I just will. If you come in, I'm gonna be like, oh, what are you here with your legs walking in? Like just for no reason. I'm just such a bitch for no reason. So anyways, my advice is what the DBT teachers are telling me directly to do in those moments. Try to identify the moments leading up to it, because for me, it feels like it's zero to one hundred, but there's lots of little moments happening leading up to it. Over stimulation multiple sounds happening at a time, incessant questions and stuff like that.

1:19:52 So I think starting to identify when those are happening earlier and then removing yourself from the situation or doing breathing action sizes or something you find therapeutic in the early stages before it gets too bad has been helping me a whole bunch. But I'm still learning myself, girls, So if I find anything else down, I'll. Tell you, thank you, appreciate it, thank you for being here with me today on Quick Before You Forget. Please like, share and subscribe as that helps the show so much and I really appreciate it. And I'll see you next time on Quick Before You Forget.