Jan. 22, 2025

When Excuses Becomes Toxic: When to Draw the Line. Ep.[786]

When Excuses Becomes Toxic: When to Draw the Line. Ep.[786]

Empathy is a wonderful personal quality, caring for others goes hand-and-hand, and giving others the benefit of the doubt goes a long way with respect to specific situations and circumstances. We can acknowledge other people's pain and life stressors....

Apple Podcasts podcast player iconSpotify podcast player iconRSS Feed podcast player icon
Apple Podcasts podcast player iconSpotify podcast player iconRSS Feed podcast player icon

Empathy is a wonderful personal quality, caring for others goes hand-and-hand, and giving others the benefit of the doubt goes a long way with respect to specific situations and circumstances. We can acknowledge other people's pain and life stressors. However at what point does making excuses for others actions and choices become unhealthy? Are we unintentionally enabling unhealthy behaviors? During this podcast, I fully discuss and explain when making excuses crosses the line into unhealthy territory. Recognizing when these excuses hold us back from doing what’s best for us or doing what is best for someone else. The more we stop making excuses for our actions, the less likely we are to make excuses for others. There's a fine line when excusing specific behavior becomes unhealthy, both for the people in our lives and in our own life. It’s also important to remember that we cannot judge others’ behavior without first looking at our own. Understanding this balance allows us to maintain healthier relationships and live more authentically.




Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-ashley-berges-show--1272964/support.

WEBVTT

1
00:00:06.679 --> 00:00:09.199
You're in a good place now. You are listening to

2
00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:11.320
Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

3
00:00:13.759 --> 00:00:16.000
Welcome back Live to Live Your True Life Perspectives and

4
00:00:16.079 --> 00:00:20.120
I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. We know that it's good

5
00:00:20.160 --> 00:00:24.120
to be empathetic. We know it's good to care for

6
00:00:24.239 --> 00:00:29.640
other people. We mostly try to give the benefit of

7
00:00:29.640 --> 00:00:34.200
the doubt to others. We want to care about others.

8
00:00:34.240 --> 00:00:38.079
We care about people deeply. We acknowledge people's pains, we

9
00:00:38.159 --> 00:00:42.079
acknowledge people's stressors, we acknowledge the issues they're going through.

10
00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:47.240
But when does making excuses for others in our life

11
00:00:47.320 --> 00:00:53.719
and for ourselves become unhealthy? When does this become unhealthy?

12
00:00:54.079 --> 00:00:56.159
And that's what I want to talk about in today's

13
00:00:56.240 --> 00:00:58.840
podcast because I think it's something we don't talk about enough.

14
00:00:58.920 --> 00:01:00.640
We don't really talk about it at all.

15
00:01:01.560 --> 00:01:04.719
When does it become unhealthy to continue to make excuses

16
00:01:04.719 --> 00:01:08.519
for others and ourselves? And how do we understand when

17
00:01:08.640 --> 00:01:11.280
it's kind of that gray line or the black line,

18
00:01:11.400 --> 00:01:14.239
or the horizon line or the Okay, you've reached a

19
00:01:14.239 --> 00:01:16.560
place where it's not a good position to be in.

20
00:01:16.599 --> 00:01:19.439
You've reached a place where you're making these excuses and

21
00:01:19.519 --> 00:01:24.400
it's no longer healthy, and let's determine that today. Because

22
00:01:24.480 --> 00:01:26.799
I want to talk about it in perspective of other

23
00:01:26.840 --> 00:01:31.120
people making excuses for other people. I want to talk

24
00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:34.280
about it in perspective of making excuses for ourselves and

25
00:01:34.319 --> 00:01:37.280
our own actions, and how that gets in the way

26
00:01:38.079 --> 00:01:40.480
of us doing things we need to do, or how

27
00:01:40.480 --> 00:01:43.079
it gets in the way of us continuing to do

28
00:01:43.159 --> 00:01:44.120
things that we shouldn't do.

29
00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:47.159
And so we're going to really examine.

30
00:01:46.680 --> 00:01:48.680
That today because I think it goes hand in hand,

31
00:01:49.879 --> 00:01:52.920
because I think that the less excuses we give ourselves

32
00:01:52.959 --> 00:01:57.200
for the most part, sometimes the less excuses we give others.

33
00:01:57.200 --> 00:01:58.159
But sometimes it can be.

34
00:01:58.519 --> 00:02:00.719
You know, from my perspective, if you know, doing what

35
00:02:00.799 --> 00:02:03.359
I do in the career that I am in, I

36
00:02:03.400 --> 00:02:06.799
don't make judgment calls on people. If I make judgments

37
00:02:06.840 --> 00:02:09.360
calls on people, I wouldn't be a very good coach

38
00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:11.520
at all. I wouldn't be very good at my job

39
00:02:11.759 --> 00:02:15.000
and what I do. So I have to dispel judgment

40
00:02:15.080 --> 00:02:18.800
on a daily basis, and in that process that works

41
00:02:18.919 --> 00:02:19.479
in session.

42
00:02:19.560 --> 00:02:20.080
Theoretically.

43
00:02:20.159 --> 00:02:22.479
That's a really great concept in sessions because I'm looking

44
00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:25.199
at it from every angle. Understand the perspective of where

45
00:02:25.199 --> 00:02:29.520
people are coming from, walking in their shoes and understanding

46
00:02:29.560 --> 00:02:33.439
different choices, good, bad, and different. However, when it comes

47
00:02:33.479 --> 00:02:37.159
to my personal life, my friends, family, coworkers, what have you,

48
00:02:38.080 --> 00:02:42.199
often I can obviously not make any judgment. But sometimes

49
00:02:42.199 --> 00:02:47.360
in the process of not you know, making any judgment,

50
00:02:48.960 --> 00:02:51.000
you know, a lot of things happen in the process

51
00:02:51.039 --> 00:02:56.680
that aren't necessarily healthy, They aren't necessarily good, they aren't

52
00:02:56.680 --> 00:02:59.360
actually good for myself or even others. And so we're

53
00:02:59.400 --> 00:03:01.639
gonna talk about that today because I think we need

54
00:03:01.639 --> 00:03:04.759
to uncover that. I think everybody needs to know where

55
00:03:04.800 --> 00:03:08.759
that line of demarcation is, because if we know where

56
00:03:08.759 --> 00:03:11.800
the line of demarcation is, we can make sure that

57
00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:15.479
we are actually, first off, staying in more of a

58
00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:18.960
healthy realm.

59
00:03:17.520 --> 00:03:18.879
Understanding the truth.

60
00:03:19.560 --> 00:03:22.240
Because you know, it's easy to start skewing the truth

61
00:03:22.639 --> 00:03:24.719
to make things work for us, or at least we

62
00:03:24.719 --> 00:03:27.520
think it's working. But again, we're just hurting ourselves, you know,

63
00:03:27.919 --> 00:03:30.680
we're just lying to ourselves, or we're lying.

64
00:03:30.439 --> 00:03:32.000
To other people, or we're doing both.

65
00:03:32.039 --> 00:03:34.840
Because most of the time, when we lie to ourselves, right,

66
00:03:34.879 --> 00:03:36.560
we have to lie to others because it comes hand

67
00:03:36.560 --> 00:03:39.080
in hands, you know, it's part of the deal. You know,

68
00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:41.680
if you're lying yourself, you're lying to others just automatically.

69
00:03:41.840 --> 00:03:43.479
And that's one of the things that I think is

70
00:03:44.639 --> 00:03:47.639
an ultimate interesting excuse. And I've given it to others.

71
00:03:47.639 --> 00:03:49.520
I go, well, I know they're at least lying to themselves,

72
00:03:49.560 --> 00:03:52.400
so it's not just me that they're lying to. Okay,

73
00:03:52.439 --> 00:03:57.039
that's great, at least I recognize that reality. However, how

74
00:03:57.080 --> 00:04:01.120
does that help them? And then how do we bring

75
00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:03.919
light into the subject matter? And my biggest thing is

76
00:04:03.919 --> 00:04:05.560
that we really got to look at our own backyard

77
00:04:05.599 --> 00:04:10.560
first off, because we really can't, you know, kind of

78
00:04:10.639 --> 00:04:13.879
like bring light to a subject if we're not bringing

79
00:04:13.960 --> 00:04:16.560
light into our own life. So like, if we're doing

80
00:04:16.600 --> 00:04:19.160
things that we're making excuses for our own stuff, and

81
00:04:19.199 --> 00:04:21.279
we're doing it on a constant basis and we're not

82
00:04:21.360 --> 00:04:23.759
working to be better. If we sit there and point

83
00:04:23.759 --> 00:04:25.639
it out on others, they're probably gonna turn around and

84
00:04:25.639 --> 00:04:29.680
be like, okay, you know, pot kettle, sure, okay, well

85
00:04:29.759 --> 00:04:31.279
let me point out what you got going on?

86
00:04:31.720 --> 00:04:32.040
Okay.

87
00:04:32.079 --> 00:04:34.879
And so I know that everybody's got stuff hidden from

88
00:04:34.920 --> 00:04:42.319
their eyesight. Everybody has a set of blinders. Some people's blinders, well,

89
00:04:43.079 --> 00:04:46.240
some people got lots of sets. Other people might have

90
00:04:46.279 --> 00:04:48.399
one set, other people might have two sets. Okay, so

91
00:04:48.439 --> 00:04:52.079
there's lots of things going on here. Nobody's perfect, no one.

92
00:04:52.959 --> 00:04:57.399
Everybody's got some sort of blinder on that's enabling them

93
00:04:57.720 --> 00:05:01.279
to do something that's not healthy for them. It's enabling

94
00:05:01.319 --> 00:05:05.279
them to continue to you know, have a pattern of

95
00:05:06.240 --> 00:05:09.560
reaction action, you know, what have you. And in this situation,

96
00:05:09.600 --> 00:05:12.199
we have to really realize that because we all have

97
00:05:12.319 --> 00:05:15.199
that within us, and we all probably see it more

98
00:05:15.199 --> 00:05:17.560
in other people. So we have to check ourselves first

99
00:05:17.600 --> 00:05:20.199
and really analyze that before we check others. But I

100
00:05:20.199 --> 00:05:23.240
think this is a really cool conversation today that it's

101
00:05:23.240 --> 00:05:25.360
not about judgment. It's just about getting better than we

102
00:05:25.360 --> 00:05:29.000
were yesterday. This isn't a judgment show. You know, we

103
00:05:29.040 --> 00:05:31.959
don't really talk about judgment, but it is a show

104
00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:35.040
about like, let's look at how we really feel, let's

105
00:05:35.040 --> 00:05:37.000
look at what we've been doing in the past, and

106
00:05:37.079 --> 00:05:42.399
let's move forward. Okay, So when does making excuses for others?

107
00:05:44.439 --> 00:05:47.560
When does that become unhealthy for us? And I think

108
00:05:47.600 --> 00:05:52.800
the first morning sign is when you're taking on the

109
00:05:52.959 --> 00:05:58.800
blame fully on yourself, When you're blaming just yourself when

110
00:05:58.839 --> 00:06:03.519
you're blaming yourself, when you're blaming yourself for someone else's

111
00:06:03.560 --> 00:06:08.199
negative behavior, when you're blaming yourself for someone else's negative behavior.

112
00:06:08.240 --> 00:06:11.519
So when somebody else is doing some crazy stuff out

113
00:06:11.560 --> 00:06:16.759
of line, maybe doing drugs, alcohol excessively, going off, yelling, screaming,

114
00:06:16.920 --> 00:06:19.639
causing fights, you know, fighting with you, all that stuff,

115
00:06:19.639 --> 00:06:22.839
and you start holding onto that, and you start dealing

116
00:06:22.839 --> 00:06:25.920
with that, and you start holding onto all that saying, Okay,

117
00:06:26.120 --> 00:06:27.959
you know this is all me, you know this is

118
00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:30.959
all me. I'm the creator of this, I'm the reason

119
00:06:30.959 --> 00:06:33.560
why this person's doing this, and you're not at all

120
00:06:33.600 --> 00:06:35.920
looking at the fact that this person is a human

121
00:06:35.959 --> 00:06:40.319
being that can make decisions for themselves. And so when

122
00:06:40.360 --> 00:06:44.199
we take on negative blame, you know, we're also believing

123
00:06:44.240 --> 00:06:46.800
that we cause them this pain, that we cause them

124
00:06:46.839 --> 00:06:51.920
to do this. That's not healthy. That's very codependent. It's

125
00:06:52.040 --> 00:06:54.759
very codependent thinking. It's probably something that you've dealt with

126
00:06:54.800 --> 00:06:57.399
in childhood. You probably felt that way around mom or

127
00:06:57.480 --> 00:06:59.800
dad that you know, when they acted bad, you know,

128
00:07:00.040 --> 00:07:02.279
when they acted wrong, when they went out drinking and

129
00:07:02.319 --> 00:07:05.720
came home stumbling drunk, or they started fights, you were

130
00:07:05.759 --> 00:07:07.839
to blame and that's normal because that's what kids do.

131
00:07:08.199 --> 00:07:10.639
We assume, Okay, well, I'm the one that caused this

132
00:07:10.680 --> 00:07:15.800
to happen. I'm the cause for the problem, and that's

133
00:07:15.800 --> 00:07:18.160
not it. And so some of this stuff is learned,

134
00:07:18.600 --> 00:07:22.800
and a lot of it's learn from our childhood, unfortunately,

135
00:07:22.839 --> 00:07:24.879
and a lot of it is learned from our childhood.

136
00:07:25.199 --> 00:07:27.240
We take on things we don't need to take on

137
00:07:27.800 --> 00:07:31.560
based on the consideration of how our family dynamic was,

138
00:07:31.879 --> 00:07:33.680
and that's something that we really need to look at

139
00:07:33.720 --> 00:07:37.279
as well, but not that much in today's show, because

140
00:07:37.319 --> 00:07:39.680
that would take up at least five shows of its own.

141
00:07:40.879 --> 00:07:41.560
So think about that.

142
00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:43.639
When was the last time you took you blamed yourself

143
00:07:43.639 --> 00:07:47.399
for something someone else did? And sometimes we do have blame.

144
00:07:47.560 --> 00:07:50.120
I'm not saying that there's never any blame, that we're

145
00:07:50.160 --> 00:07:53.480
always innocent. That is not the case. You really got

146
00:07:53.519 --> 00:07:57.120
to look at yourself in these situations and analyze it. However,

147
00:07:57.199 --> 00:07:58.560
I think there is a lot of times that we

148
00:07:58.600 --> 00:08:01.439
do blame ourselves and necessarily something we need to be doing.

149
00:08:02.319 --> 00:08:04.680
And I think that that comes, you know, part and

150
00:08:04.720 --> 00:08:06.839
partial from the fact of our family dynamic.

151
00:08:06.959 --> 00:08:09.480
So look at it. Has somebody been nasty.

152
00:08:09.199 --> 00:08:13.879
Mean, angry, volatile with you, and you've owned it all.

153
00:08:14.079 --> 00:08:16.879
You never once thought about what the other person contributed.

154
00:08:17.600 --> 00:08:19.720
I mean, and that happens. I've been there before where

155
00:08:19.720 --> 00:08:21.439
you're not The first thing you think about is not

156
00:08:21.480 --> 00:08:24.040
what they did, it's oh god, you know I contributed

157
00:08:24.079 --> 00:08:26.879
to this. And then you you know, you ruminate in it,

158
00:08:26.920 --> 00:08:29.759
and you feel bad about it, and you try to

159
00:08:29.800 --> 00:08:34.399
calm they don't answer the phone. You apologize, and you're apologizing. Yes,

160
00:08:34.440 --> 00:08:38.399
everybody has some room to apologize, but you're basically apologizing

161
00:08:38.480 --> 00:08:41.960
for everything and allowing this person completely off the hook.

162
00:08:42.279 --> 00:08:46.799
And that leads me into a next pattern. And I

163
00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:51.879
call this enabling behavior. You know, enabling behavior is very

164
00:08:51.879 --> 00:08:56.120
interesting when you excuse others and allow someone to engage

165
00:08:56.120 --> 00:09:01.799
in harmful behavior without facing any consequences, not taking any responsibility.

166
00:09:03.039 --> 00:09:05.919
Enabling behavior is one of the worst things we can do.

167
00:09:07.240 --> 00:09:10.480
Enabling somebody else to do things that's not good for

168
00:09:10.559 --> 00:09:13.799
them is one of the absolute worst things we can do.

169
00:09:13.840 --> 00:09:16.159
Because see, the thing is, it's always gonna come back

170
00:09:16.159 --> 00:09:16.519
to you.

171
00:09:17.600 --> 00:09:19.480
It's always gonna come back to you.

172
00:09:19.559 --> 00:09:22.840
So, for example, you know, you live with somebody that's

173
00:09:22.919 --> 00:09:25.519
you know, pretty much an alcoholic right.

174
00:09:26.240 --> 00:09:29.559
And you know you enable them. You allow them to drink.

175
00:09:29.720 --> 00:09:32.360
You accept that and all that stuff, even though they

176
00:09:32.399 --> 00:09:34.720
need to be going to rehabit, you continue to do it.

177
00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:37.960
Eventually they throw it in your face and say, you're

178
00:09:37.960 --> 00:09:39.799
the one that allowed me to drink. You're the one

179
00:09:39.799 --> 00:09:42.759
that went to the liquor store. You're drinking too, Look

180
00:09:42.840 --> 00:09:46.000
at you, You're no better than me. And so they're

181
00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:47.840
gonna throw it in your face at some point. But

182
00:09:47.879 --> 00:09:50.000
then there's that flip side when you say, hey, you're

183
00:09:50.000 --> 00:09:52.120
not gonna have any alcohol. We're not gonna do that,

184
00:09:52.159 --> 00:09:55.039
and they start fighting you. You're a bad person, you're

185
00:09:55.080 --> 00:09:57.960
a mean person. You're trying to control me. I can't

186
00:09:57.960 --> 00:10:00.279
believe you're doing this to me. I'm a grown d old,

187
00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:02.200
I can drink. I can't believe you're doing this to

188
00:10:02.279 --> 00:10:05.000
mean you're not allowing me to drink. You're a bad person,

189
00:10:05.080 --> 00:10:07.279
You're mean. And then all of a sudden, guess what

190
00:10:07.360 --> 00:10:11.279
you give in. Can't handle it. After a couple of days,

191
00:10:11.320 --> 00:10:13.440
you go two days dealing with it over and over again.

192
00:10:13.480 --> 00:10:15.600
You're not drinking because you don't want them to drink,

193
00:10:15.960 --> 00:10:18.559
and then you give in because you don't want to

194
00:10:18.559 --> 00:10:21.080
hear it anymore, and for for like one hour, they're

195
00:10:21.120 --> 00:10:22.279
actually great to be around.

196
00:10:22.320 --> 00:10:24.080
You're like, oh man, they're actually.

197
00:10:23.720 --> 00:10:26.799
Fun and they're they're cool, and they're you know, they're normal,

198
00:10:26.919 --> 00:10:30.440
more normal, And it all flips around again, right, because

199
00:10:30.440 --> 00:10:34.159
they're an alcoholic. You know, the first two drinks, anybody's fun.

200
00:10:34.200 --> 00:10:36.519
After that, it is not fun anymore. When somebody when

201
00:10:36.519 --> 00:10:38.279
it's five am in the morning, somebody's not going to

202
00:10:38.320 --> 00:10:41.320
bed because they're still drinking. Okay, but then they can

203
00:10:41.360 --> 00:10:43.399
throw it in your face. You're the one that got

204
00:10:43.399 --> 00:10:47.200
the alcohol. You were drinking with me, right, So it

205
00:10:47.320 --> 00:10:49.240
sucks because there's no middle ground here.

206
00:10:49.480 --> 00:10:52.039
You either do it, damned if you do, or damned

207
00:10:52.039 --> 00:10:52.559
if you don't.

208
00:10:52.759 --> 00:10:54.480
So when we're trying to be talking more about this,

209
00:10:54.519 --> 00:10:57.519
because this is a very interesting dynamic that I think.

210
00:10:57.399 --> 00:10:58.720
A lot of people are going through.

211
00:10:58.799 --> 00:11:01.279
A lot of people are experience and scene and we

212
00:11:01.360 --> 00:11:03.240
want to make sure that we're living our life as

213
00:11:03.279 --> 00:11:06.080
healthy as possible. We want to make sure we're doing

214
00:11:06.080 --> 00:11:08.320
the right thing, and we want to make sure that

215
00:11:08.360 --> 00:11:12.600
we're not enabling others literature life perspectives. With your host

216
00:11:12.720 --> 00:11:14.440
me Ashley Burgers, will be back in I'll be back

217
00:11:14.480 --> 00:11:33.080
this time in two shakes.

218
00:11:31.480 --> 00:11:34.320
Turn it up and jump in the deep end on perspectives.

219
00:11:34.879 --> 00:11:40.519
Now here's Ashley, Welcome back, live to literature life Perspectives,

220
00:11:40.519 --> 00:11:43.440
and I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. It's okay to care

221
00:11:43.519 --> 00:11:43.960
for others.

222
00:11:43.960 --> 00:11:45.919
It's a good thing, and so it's a great thing

223
00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:50.600
to be able to be empathetic, to care about others feelings,

224
00:11:50.639 --> 00:11:56.840
to care about others pain. However, there is a demarcation.

225
00:11:57.519 --> 00:12:01.600
When is it unhealthy to make uses for other people

226
00:12:01.759 --> 00:12:05.440
for their behavior, for their actions, for their choices. When

227
00:12:05.639 --> 00:12:09.320
is it unhealthy for us to make excuses for our behavior,

228
00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:11.919
our decisions, our actions, our choices.

229
00:12:12.399 --> 00:12:13.440
This goes hand in hand.

230
00:12:13.799 --> 00:12:16.440
We can't just look at other people's actions and choices

231
00:12:16.480 --> 00:12:19.360
and discernment and judge that if we're not looking at

232
00:12:19.399 --> 00:12:20.200
our own.

233
00:12:20.559 --> 00:12:21.440
I find that it's.

234
00:12:21.240 --> 00:12:23.759
Interesting, Like right before the break, I was talking about

235
00:12:24.600 --> 00:12:30.759
enabling behavior, when we enable someone else, we actually do

236
00:12:30.840 --> 00:12:34.720
them a complete disservice. And some of you will be like, well,

237
00:12:34.799 --> 00:12:38.360
if I don't enable them, I have to hear grief.

238
00:12:38.519 --> 00:12:41.720
If I don't enable them and give in, I have

239
00:12:41.840 --> 00:12:45.039
to have pain and suffering all day, all night because

240
00:12:45.039 --> 00:12:47.000
they want to drink, or they want to do drugs,

241
00:12:47.080 --> 00:12:48.600
or they want to do this, or they want to

242
00:12:48.600 --> 00:12:51.840
do that. And so either I give in or I

243
00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:54.320
just get yelled at and I go through the process.

244
00:12:54.360 --> 00:12:56.960
And that's the determination you have to make about dealing

245
00:12:57.039 --> 00:13:00.240
with the relationship like that, knowing that this person one

246
00:13:00.840 --> 00:13:05.320
obviously has an addiction problem, has other issues as well.

247
00:13:06.240 --> 00:13:08.440
You know, it's it's a matter of time that you're

248
00:13:08.480 --> 00:13:11.559
either going to just fall into the full on enablement,

249
00:13:12.840 --> 00:13:17.080
losing your identity, you know, creating great harm in your

250
00:13:17.120 --> 00:13:17.720
own life.

251
00:13:18.639 --> 00:13:18.759
Uh.

252
00:13:18.919 --> 00:13:22.679
Because I found that when you're dealing with either enabling

253
00:13:22.840 --> 00:13:25.320
or not enabling, when it becomes that cut and dry

254
00:13:26.080 --> 00:13:28.279
and it's either you do it or you don't, you

255
00:13:28.360 --> 00:13:30.840
either get peace or you don't get peace. That's when

256
00:13:30.840 --> 00:13:34.519
we're in a relationship that's actually very toxic, and that

257
00:13:34.639 --> 00:13:37.720
might be something that you might need to be aware of, uh,

258
00:13:37.759 --> 00:13:40.240
if you're dealing with a relationship like this, because if

259
00:13:40.240 --> 00:13:42.919
you're in a relationship like this, you're in a very

260
00:13:42.960 --> 00:13:47.440
toxic relationship. It's a very challenging relationship. And that's something

261
00:13:47.440 --> 00:13:49.759
that we want to definitely understand.

262
00:13:50.120 --> 00:13:52.480
Two. Enabling behavior.

263
00:13:52.559 --> 00:13:54.519
You know, when we enable people to also not do

264
00:13:54.639 --> 00:13:57.480
things like if we enable somebody to not not work,

265
00:13:58.639 --> 00:14:00.799
if we enable somebody not to to get out of bed,

266
00:14:01.720 --> 00:14:04.039
if we enable somebody to stay at home and never

267
00:14:04.120 --> 00:14:06.519
to drive and to stay at home, if we enable

268
00:14:06.600 --> 00:14:11.200
somebody to sleep all day, all these things prevent this

269
00:14:11.320 --> 00:14:16.879
person from doing what they need to do. And I

270
00:14:16.919 --> 00:14:21.159
know it's almost like the prevention when people are about

271
00:14:21.200 --> 00:14:25.159
to hit rock bottom. When people are about to hit

272
00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:28.919
rock bottom, many of us enable them, right, We enable them.

273
00:14:28.960 --> 00:14:33.200
We keep enabling them, enabling them to not hit rock bottom,

274
00:14:33.200 --> 00:14:36.159
which is absolutely the worst thing we can possibly do.

275
00:14:37.080 --> 00:14:37.279
Right.

276
00:14:37.320 --> 00:14:40.399
And I've been there before where I enabled somebody for

277
00:14:40.480 --> 00:14:44.039
a long, long period of time for several years, thinking

278
00:14:44.120 --> 00:14:46.480
I was doing the right thing by them, thinking I

279
00:14:46.559 --> 00:14:51.240
was protecting them, and I wasn't. I was doing the

280
00:14:51.279 --> 00:14:53.799
exact opposite, you know. And I didn't want to have

281
00:14:54.279 --> 00:14:58.679
the argument. I didn't want to have the conflict, you know.

282
00:14:58.840 --> 00:15:01.600
And that's another is and that kind of jumps into

283
00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:05.120
where I want us to talk about now, is avoiding conflict.

284
00:15:06.159 --> 00:15:11.519
In the avoidance of dealing with conflict, I would allow

285
00:15:11.639 --> 00:15:13.399
certain things to happen because I didn't want to have

286
00:15:13.440 --> 00:15:13.720
the fight.

287
00:15:13.759 --> 00:15:15.200
I didn't want to have the argument. I knew what

288
00:15:15.279 --> 00:15:16.279
was going to happen.

289
00:15:16.279 --> 00:15:20.960
But inevitably, and I hate to say this, but the

290
00:15:20.960 --> 00:15:23.440
more you fight it, it's going to happen.

291
00:15:24.639 --> 00:15:25.559
It's inevitable.

292
00:15:26.519 --> 00:15:31.039
If somebody is very upset, very angry, if somebody is

293
00:15:31.679 --> 00:15:36.320
you know, avoiding responsibility, if somebody is under the influence

294
00:15:36.360 --> 00:15:40.399
of drugs and alcohol, if somebody is abusing pharmaceutical drugs,

295
00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:42.919
if there's a combination of all of those, and they're

296
00:15:42.960 --> 00:15:46.200
avoiding doing, you know, any sort of work, if they're

297
00:15:46.200 --> 00:15:50.200
avoiding being a part of society, any of that, and

298
00:15:50.240 --> 00:15:53.440
we're not speaking up and saying, hey, you know, you

299
00:15:53.519 --> 00:15:55.720
really got to start doing this, or hey you need

300
00:15:55.759 --> 00:15:58.240
to go back to school, or hey you need to

301
00:15:58.240 --> 00:16:00.039
get a job, or hey you need to do the

302
00:16:00.120 --> 00:16:02.360
bare minimum things that you've been saying you're gonna do

303
00:16:02.399 --> 00:16:04.600
this whole time, that you still haven't stepped up the

304
00:16:04.600 --> 00:16:09.000
plate to do. And then we got to look at ourselves. Okay,

305
00:16:09.000 --> 00:16:15.159
and this enabling and this avoiding conflict, you know, avoiding conflict. Wow,

306
00:16:15.240 --> 00:16:18.720
I mean, conflict's gonna show up. Okay, you can avoid

307
00:16:18.759 --> 00:16:20.799
it all you want, Good luck, cause it's gonna still

308
00:16:20.879 --> 00:16:24.639
come for you. So why are we enabling somebody to

309
00:16:24.759 --> 00:16:29.639
eventually screw themselves over who eventually screw us over? And

310
00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:33.000
it's interesting when I look back through my life. The

311
00:16:33.080 --> 00:16:36.559
few people that I have enabled and then tried not

312
00:16:36.679 --> 00:16:39.519
to hit rock bottom and did everything I could for

313
00:16:39.559 --> 00:16:42.240
them not to hit rock bottom, they still hit rock bottom.

314
00:16:42.240 --> 00:16:45.200
I mean not bad, not like horrible, not like some

315
00:16:45.279 --> 00:16:47.080
of the stuff you hear. I mean I did help

316
00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:49.600
a little bit, But at the same time, they could

317
00:16:49.600 --> 00:16:53.120
have started getting help a long time before. Also, I

318
00:16:53.159 --> 00:16:55.879
could have been working on my life and focusing on

319
00:16:55.960 --> 00:16:59.240
my needs and things I needed to do a long

320
00:16:59.279 --> 00:17:02.600
time prior to two if I would have stopped enabling.

321
00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:05.319
You know, the thing is is that we get lost

322
00:17:05.359 --> 00:17:09.759
in other people's negativity. We get lost in other people's

323
00:17:09.799 --> 00:17:13.440
problems because it becomes easier for us because we have

324
00:17:13.559 --> 00:17:16.880
problems too, they just might not be as huge of

325
00:17:16.960 --> 00:17:20.480
a problem or as a parent as a problem. For example,

326
00:17:20.720 --> 00:17:22.799
you have a job. You try to go to work,

327
00:17:22.839 --> 00:17:25.200
maybe you get stuff done. Maybe you have days you don't,

328
00:17:25.400 --> 00:17:27.000
but you show up and you do it. You get

329
00:17:27.000 --> 00:17:29.279
out of bed, you take your shower, you take care

330
00:17:29.319 --> 00:17:32.160
of your responsibilities, you know all that stuff.

331
00:17:32.200 --> 00:17:33.400
But you got someone.

332
00:17:33.119 --> 00:17:36.160
Over there that you're you're interacting with on a daily

333
00:17:36.200 --> 00:17:39.960
basis that's doing none of that. And so it makes

334
00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:42.240
you look like you got everything going on, like you

335
00:17:42.319 --> 00:17:45.799
got your life, you know, kind of you got things

336
00:17:46.279 --> 00:17:49.480
working for you. But you have to really start analyzing

337
00:17:49.720 --> 00:17:53.440
because you can't judge yourself off that other person's life.

338
00:17:54.680 --> 00:17:57.759
You can't judge that. And you also have to look

339
00:17:57.799 --> 00:18:01.480
at who are you trying to avoid conflict in your life?

340
00:18:01.640 --> 00:18:03.880
And a lot of times when you're trying to avoid conflict,

341
00:18:04.039 --> 00:18:07.759
you have somebody the other person likes conflict. You can't

342
00:18:07.759 --> 00:18:12.440
avoid conflict with somebody that likes conflict. It doesn't work

343
00:18:12.480 --> 00:18:14.200
that way. There's a lot of people out there that

344
00:18:14.440 --> 00:18:17.559
love argumentation. There's a lot of people out there that

345
00:18:17.680 --> 00:18:22.799
love to fight. That's what they do. Okay, they're the Karens,

346
00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:24.759
They're the negative nancies in the world. They're the ones

347
00:18:24.759 --> 00:18:27.680
that make life shitty. That's what they do. That's their life.

348
00:18:28.079 --> 00:18:31.160
That's like their entire mantra. And you don't know it

349
00:18:31.200 --> 00:18:34.200
when you first meet them, because it's not like they

350
00:18:34.240 --> 00:18:37.279
tell you that. I mean, most people wear masks, right,

351
00:18:37.319 --> 00:18:42.920
It's it's funny. The fascination with masks in our society rights,

352
00:18:43.160 --> 00:18:47.279
our mask fascination of Oh, people love to wear masks

353
00:18:47.279 --> 00:18:50.920
like a you know, at balls and Halloween and Maddy Girl,

354
00:18:50.920 --> 00:18:53.640
and the list goes on back in you know, in

355
00:18:54.039 --> 00:18:56.599
Italy and Venice, back in the day when they would

356
00:18:56.640 --> 00:18:58.960
wear these masks to these you know, these parties and

357
00:18:58.960 --> 00:19:01.960
all these sex parties, all this going on. Very interesting dynamic,

358
00:19:02.440 --> 00:19:06.759
but people gravitate to masks, and especially if somebody's initially

359
00:19:06.759 --> 00:19:09.000
wearing a mask in the beginning of relationship. And so

360
00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:11.119
many of you out there that are married to somebody

361
00:19:11.240 --> 00:19:13.119
or been in a long term relationship, or maybe it's

362
00:19:13.119 --> 00:19:14.720
not really been that long, but you see how the

363
00:19:14.759 --> 00:19:18.359
mask came off over time, and that can be very

364
00:19:18.400 --> 00:19:20.960
alarming and scary because the person that you thought you

365
00:19:20.960 --> 00:19:22.960
were with is really not the person that you're with.

366
00:19:23.079 --> 00:19:27.079
That was the version that they were selling you, you know,

367
00:19:27.400 --> 00:19:29.759
in order for you to get warm and fuzzy and

368
00:19:29.799 --> 00:19:32.200
tell them your personal stories and give them all this

369
00:19:32.279 --> 00:19:34.359
information about you so later on they could use it

370
00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:37.799
against you. I call that forever ammunition. If you're dealing

371
00:19:37.880 --> 00:19:41.319
with somebody that's using forever ammunition on you, meaning that

372
00:19:41.359 --> 00:19:45.039
you did something five ten two three year ago, and

373
00:19:45.079 --> 00:19:47.400
they keep bringing it up and every argument, every single

374
00:19:47.440 --> 00:19:50.039
day of your life. You'll need to watch that video.

375
00:19:50.240 --> 00:19:52.640
Check out my YouTube channel. Go to life Coach Ashley

376
00:19:52.680 --> 00:19:56.559
Burgess Ashley Burgess. Either way, go to YouTube, you'll find

377
00:19:56.599 --> 00:19:59.559
my channel. We're almost at two hundred thousand subscribers right now,

378
00:20:00.279 --> 00:20:04.160
and put in the search bar forever ammunition. I think

379
00:20:04.200 --> 00:20:07.160
it might actually help you to understand the conflict and

380
00:20:07.240 --> 00:20:10.000
what's really happening as far as the power dynamic and

381
00:20:10.039 --> 00:20:13.359
what they're wanting. Anyway, let's go back to this enabling behavior,

382
00:20:13.480 --> 00:20:15.359
so we have to look at it and turn it

383
00:20:15.400 --> 00:20:19.079
around on us too. Are we enabling ourselves in any way?

384
00:20:20.519 --> 00:20:23.440
And I know we've all been there before where it's like, oh, no,

385
00:20:23.799 --> 00:20:27.000
I don't I don't drink that much. You know, I

386
00:20:27.039 --> 00:20:28.480
don't drink that I you know a lot of people

387
00:20:28.599 --> 00:20:32.079
drink more than I do. And and you know, okay,

388
00:20:32.160 --> 00:20:35.519
we've all had that conversation. We've all had that conversation.

389
00:20:35.680 --> 00:20:38.720
But I mean, it's okay to to kind of sit

390
00:20:38.759 --> 00:20:41.480
there and minimize. But then there's a part where minimization

391
00:20:41.640 --> 00:20:45.400
isn't going to work anymore. So are we enabling ourselves?

392
00:20:46.519 --> 00:20:47.400
I mean, some of us.

393
00:20:47.319 --> 00:20:50.079
Might be workaholics and we work all day, we work

394
00:20:50.160 --> 00:20:52.000
late nights, you know, and we're all, this is right,

395
00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:52.440
this is good.

396
00:20:52.480 --> 00:20:53.240
We have to look at that.

397
00:20:53.720 --> 00:20:55.640
So it's not always just an addiction of some sort,

398
00:20:55.680 --> 00:20:58.160
but you know, things become that way. You know, maybe

399
00:20:58.200 --> 00:21:00.880
we're buried in our work because we're with conflict in

400
00:21:00.920 --> 00:21:04.839
our relationship. You know, maybe there's some conflicts we're not

401
00:21:04.960 --> 00:21:07.759
dealing with with our family dynamic, and it causes us

402
00:21:07.799 --> 00:21:12.000
to bury ourselves in work, or it causes avoidance, or

403
00:21:12.039 --> 00:21:15.680
it causes drinking, or it causes you know, marijuana usage

404
00:21:15.799 --> 00:21:19.200
or other drug usage to escape from what we're dealing with.

405
00:21:19.240 --> 00:21:23.039
And so it's like really analyzing these types of situations

406
00:21:23.079 --> 00:21:25.160
and getting a good read and a good beat on

407
00:21:25.279 --> 00:21:29.799
things so that we can actually make some honest, honest

408
00:21:29.839 --> 00:21:31.079
decisions about.

409
00:21:30.799 --> 00:21:33.200
Where we are now.

410
00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:37.039
You know, it really does go both ways, making excuses

411
00:21:37.079 --> 00:21:41.000
for others and making excuses for ourselves. And when when

412
00:21:41.039 --> 00:21:45.039
I return, I'm talking about intellectualizing, because intellectualizing is what

413
00:21:46.039 --> 00:21:47.839
a lot of us have a tendency of doing. It

414
00:21:47.920 --> 00:21:52.319
can come second nature, depends on how you raise and

415
00:21:53.119 --> 00:21:55.359
when we do that, we'll talk about all that and

416
00:21:55.400 --> 00:22:00.240
how that can also confuse us even more of what

417
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:02.000
we're doing. And so there's a lot of things that

418
00:22:02.039 --> 00:22:03.599
we're doing here and we just need to get it.

419
00:22:03.759 --> 00:22:05.680
We just need to get a good handle on things.

420
00:22:06.119 --> 00:22:08.440
Because the more we understand why we do things, and

421
00:22:08.440 --> 00:22:11.920
the more we understand what we're actually doing instead of

422
00:22:12.240 --> 00:22:15.640
sugarcoating it or coloring it or acting like it's something

423
00:22:15.640 --> 00:22:19.000
else or what have you, that's when we really understand

424
00:22:19.200 --> 00:22:22.480
not only where we stand, where other people stand, we

425
00:22:22.559 --> 00:22:25.000
understand why we do what we do. All those great

426
00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:28.279
things come to pass, makes us a better person, makes

427
00:22:28.359 --> 00:22:29.519
us more aware of who we are.

428
00:22:29.599 --> 00:22:30.960
Okay, so stay tuned.

429
00:22:31.000 --> 00:22:33.480
I will be right back Live your True Life Perspectives

430
00:22:33.480 --> 00:22:35.559
with your host me, Ashley Burgers, will be back in

431
00:22:36.039 --> 00:22:37.000
I'll be back this time.

432
00:22:37.039 --> 00:22:37.440
You know it.

433
00:22:37.480 --> 00:22:49.480
I'll be back this time in two shakes.

434
00:22:54.839 --> 00:22:57.960
This is Jake Busey and you're listening to Perspectives with

435
00:22:58.079 --> 00:22:59.039
Ashley Burges.

436
00:23:01.839 --> 00:23:04.759
Welcome back Live to Literature Life Perspectives, and I'm your host,

437
00:23:04.799 --> 00:23:08.519
Ashley Burgess. On today's show, we've been talking about when

438
00:23:08.640 --> 00:23:13.200
is it unhealthy to be making excuses for others and

439
00:23:13.240 --> 00:23:17.000
their actions and their choices and their addictions and what

440
00:23:17.160 --> 00:23:17.519
have you.

441
00:23:17.640 --> 00:23:21.000
When is it unhealthy? Because you know, making.

442
00:23:20.799 --> 00:23:23.759
Excuses for people is one thing, you know, giving people

443
00:23:23.759 --> 00:23:26.400
the benefit of the doubt, But when does it really

444
00:23:26.400 --> 00:23:31.359
get in the way of their growth, our growth, the relationship,

445
00:23:31.400 --> 00:23:35.559
the connection all that, When does it really cause problems?

446
00:23:36.039 --> 00:23:37.400
And I found that the first.

447
00:23:37.240 --> 00:23:39.200
Thing that we have to be aware of is enabling

448
00:23:39.400 --> 00:23:44.200
enabling others to make poor choices, basically allowing ourselves to

449
00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:47.440
be enabled by others, enabling ourselves.

450
00:23:46.799 --> 00:23:47.519
To do things.

451
00:23:47.599 --> 00:23:49.759
Oh yeah, no, I only had a bottle of wine,

452
00:23:49.880 --> 00:23:52.559
you know, you know, Diane had two bottles of wine,

453
00:23:52.599 --> 00:23:53.920
so I got that going for me.

454
00:23:54.400 --> 00:23:57.440
Or yeah, I'm only taking one sleeping pill and na,

455
00:23:57.519 --> 00:23:58.160
da da da dah.

456
00:23:58.200 --> 00:24:00.400
I mean it's like, you know, really not not like

457
00:24:00.559 --> 00:24:05.000
underestimating it, not you know, you know, basically defining ourselves

458
00:24:05.039 --> 00:24:07.440
against someone else that has some sort of major addiction

459
00:24:07.640 --> 00:24:10.039
to under you know, to show that we don't really

460
00:24:10.079 --> 00:24:12.440
have that big of a problem. You know, it's just

461
00:24:12.559 --> 00:24:15.880
you know, really really just being real. Right, And so

462
00:24:16.000 --> 00:24:19.960
right before the break, I was talking about intellectualizing and

463
00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.240
how many of us intellectualize. We explain away the behavior

464
00:24:24.279 --> 00:24:32.759
of others using logic, logic, logic and reason versus emotions

465
00:24:32.759 --> 00:24:35.640
and all that stuff are totally different. Instead of understanding,

466
00:24:35.839 --> 00:24:38.759
harmful behavior is harmful no matter what the reason for

467
00:24:38.799 --> 00:24:41.559
it is. So we can we can rationalize it, we

468
00:24:41.599 --> 00:24:46.359
can intellectualize it, but harmful behavior is harmful behavior, no

469
00:24:46.400 --> 00:24:49.000
matter what the reason. So it's like, you know, you know, yeah,

470
00:24:49.200 --> 00:24:51.279
you know, someone so smoking a lot of weed. They're

471
00:24:51.319 --> 00:24:55.119
smoking weed all day long. You know, they're constantly smoking weed.

472
00:24:55.200 --> 00:24:58.559
They're not sober at any time of the day. But

473
00:24:58.640 --> 00:25:03.079
I know that their may is really challenging, and you know,

474
00:25:03.119 --> 00:25:06.799
their wife has this issue, that issue, and their job

475
00:25:06.880 --> 00:25:10.359
has been really hard, you know, you know, or so

476
00:25:10.440 --> 00:25:12.839
and So's day drinking now and starting to drink at

477
00:25:12.920 --> 00:25:15.839
seven am in the morning, and you know, but I

478
00:25:15.920 --> 00:25:18.880
know that this is happening. Or their mother is old

479
00:25:18.920 --> 00:25:21.519
and they're having to take care of her. I mean, yes,

480
00:25:22.079 --> 00:25:25.480
that's rationalizing. Yes, they're they're having to be a caretaker

481
00:25:25.519 --> 00:25:28.160
and the caretaker position is causing a lot of stress

482
00:25:28.160 --> 00:25:31.960
in their life. Therefore their day drinking scotch, you know,

483
00:25:32.119 --> 00:25:35.839
vodka whatever during the day in the morning, and we're

484
00:25:35.880 --> 00:25:44.240
basically rationalizing what they're doing. That's not good because when

485
00:25:44.279 --> 00:25:48.039
we're rationalizing and intellectualizing. At first, it makes sense like

486
00:25:48.079 --> 00:25:49.640
you know, hey, they got a lot on their plate,

487
00:25:49.680 --> 00:25:51.880
and you know they're just doing this right now. But

488
00:25:51.960 --> 00:25:55.079
a lot of times this type of behavior it's not

489
00:25:55.200 --> 00:25:58.440
just it just didn't start right now. It might have

490
00:25:58.519 --> 00:26:03.200
wrapped up, but it didn't start. But also it's like,

491
00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:06.000
why are we accepting the fact that this person has

492
00:26:06.079 --> 00:26:10.680
to have copious amounts of vodka to deal with their day?

493
00:26:12.319 --> 00:26:15.960
I mean, you know, how do we rationalize that? I mean,

494
00:26:16.119 --> 00:26:18.480
some of you don't go through way more stress than

495
00:26:18.519 --> 00:26:21.359
these people, and you don't even drink, So how do

496
00:26:21.440 --> 00:26:26.119
we rationalize bad, poor, unhealthy behavior? But see, it's easy

497
00:26:26.160 --> 00:26:28.519
to oh so and so you know, it's easy for

498
00:26:28.599 --> 00:26:30.720
us to write things off. And I'm not you know,

499
00:26:30.799 --> 00:26:32.960
I'm the first person to say it's very important to

500
00:26:33.160 --> 00:26:36.839
respect others and to accept other people's pain and to

501
00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:40.680
understand that and to practice empathy. But at the same point,

502
00:26:40.759 --> 00:26:43.839
there's a part where we practice empathy and there's a

503
00:26:43.880 --> 00:26:48.680
part where we also lose perspective of what's really healthy. Right, So,

504
00:26:49.319 --> 00:26:51.440
like I'll give you a great example. You know, I

505
00:26:51.480 --> 00:26:54.920
had a friend of mine that their brother passed away

506
00:26:56.079 --> 00:26:57.440
you know about a year ago, a year and a

507
00:26:57.480 --> 00:27:00.799
half ago, and love them dearly, but they haven't been

508
00:27:00.839 --> 00:27:03.680
the same, and they they're doing quite a bit of

509
00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:09.079
extracurricular activities, very rarely sober, very challenging to get in

510
00:27:09.119 --> 00:27:11.960
touch with, you know. And eventually I'm gonna have to

511
00:27:11.960 --> 00:27:13.960
say something, and I'm planning on doing that here in

512
00:27:13.960 --> 00:27:17.200
the next few days, because there's only so far you

513
00:27:17.200 --> 00:27:21.240
can go along and rationalize and intellectualize until again, you're

514
00:27:21.319 --> 00:27:24.519
enabling that person to continue down that path. And I'm

515
00:27:24.559 --> 00:27:28.160
not saying that, oh, your decision is is that important,

516
00:27:28.240 --> 00:27:30.200
or what you feel is the god you know, the

517
00:27:30.240 --> 00:27:33.559
gospel truth. But if you really are a good friend

518
00:27:34.640 --> 00:27:39.720
and you really do care about this person, you have

519
00:27:39.759 --> 00:27:43.279
to think about that, if you really are a good friend,

520
00:27:43.319 --> 00:27:45.200
Because think about it, people that you're really not that

521
00:27:45.319 --> 00:27:50.880
close to, do you even care what they're doing? I mean,

522
00:27:50.920 --> 00:27:53.880
do you even ask them? Do you even think about it?

523
00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:56.559
I mean I don't and I don't think about stuff

524
00:27:56.599 --> 00:27:58.079
like that. I mean not that I don't care, it's

525
00:27:58.119 --> 00:28:00.279
just something that doesn't come up. And so when you

526
00:28:00.400 --> 00:28:04.200
have the ability to have the knowledge of what's really

527
00:28:04.240 --> 00:28:07.559
taking place, and you're able to see it, and you're

528
00:28:07.599 --> 00:28:10.319
a good friend and you're supposed to be there for them.

529
00:28:10.400 --> 00:28:12.960
You were supposed to at least say something because again,

530
00:28:13.480 --> 00:28:15.920
to me, it's like in life, you're if you're given

531
00:28:16.000 --> 00:28:21.039
that information, you're giving it for a reason. Now I'm

532
00:28:21.079 --> 00:28:23.119
not telling you to go tell everybody else about it.

533
00:28:23.119 --> 00:28:25.440
Hell no, I'm saying you need it. You have an

534
00:28:25.519 --> 00:28:29.000
oath to a friend to say, hey, I'm concerned, you know,

535
00:28:29.039 --> 00:28:30.920
and you don't not in front of other people, not

536
00:28:31.039 --> 00:28:33.000
to make them feel bad, but hey, I'm concerned because

537
00:28:33.000 --> 00:28:35.319
this is what I've been seeing and this is and

538
00:28:35.480 --> 00:28:35.960
I don't.

539
00:28:35.759 --> 00:28:37.039
Want you to hide what you're doing.

540
00:28:38.200 --> 00:28:40.079
But if I wasn't really there for you, or I

541
00:28:40.119 --> 00:28:42.240
didn't really care, or even for your spouse or your

542
00:28:42.279 --> 00:28:46.240
significant other, I mean stepping up to the plate, stop rationalizing,

543
00:28:46.319 --> 00:28:50.680
stop intellectualizing, and say, hey, you know, there's some stuff

544
00:28:50.680 --> 00:28:52.559
that has you know, kind of raised it's it's made

545
00:28:52.599 --> 00:28:54.759
me raise my eye a bit, and we need I'd

546
00:28:54.799 --> 00:28:57.799
like to talk about it. And sometimes people are going

547
00:28:57.839 --> 00:29:00.000
to talk with you, and sometimes they're not. Sometimes people

548
00:29:00.039 --> 00:29:02.240
will want to change these things, and sometimes they won't.

549
00:29:03.039 --> 00:29:05.000
And then and then it comes to the fact of

550
00:29:05.079 --> 00:29:08.640
how long do you stay around and try to work

551
00:29:08.680 --> 00:29:12.880
with them, uh while they're fighting you and fighting themselves.

552
00:29:13.880 --> 00:29:16.039
And that's the biggest thing is that you know, because

553
00:29:16.359 --> 00:29:18.359
as a friend or as a loved one, or as

554
00:29:18.400 --> 00:29:21.039
a spouse or significant other, you know, you don't want

555
00:29:21.039 --> 00:29:23.079
to just jump ship. That's just not the way it is.

556
00:29:23.160 --> 00:29:25.839
But how long are you going to continue to keep

557
00:29:26.440 --> 00:29:30.000
you know, putting the light out there, you know, talking

558
00:29:30.039 --> 00:29:33.440
about the truth and and having the conflict and maybe

559
00:29:33.480 --> 00:29:36.519
having the arguments and that person fighting with you. You know,

560
00:29:36.559 --> 00:29:41.799
it's gonna it takes a lot of wherewithal to try

561
00:29:41.839 --> 00:29:44.240
to continue into that conversation. It takes a lot of

562
00:29:44.279 --> 00:29:50.160
depth to keep trying to push that and coming up short.

563
00:29:50.480 --> 00:29:54.200
It takes a lot of patience, It takes a lot

564
00:29:54.240 --> 00:29:59.160
of dedication and emotional time, and it takes somebody that

565
00:29:59.279 --> 00:30:02.839
really really cares. And there's a lot of people that

566
00:30:02.839 --> 00:30:04.319
don't really care. There's a lot of people it's just

567
00:30:04.359 --> 00:30:05.880
too much for them. It's a lot of people it's

568
00:30:05.920 --> 00:30:07.799
just it's like, hey, but I mean, if you've been

569
00:30:07.799 --> 00:30:09.759
trying to do this for years with a loved one,

570
00:30:09.799 --> 00:30:13.039
a spouse, significant other, and you're getting nowhere, you know,

571
00:30:13.079 --> 00:30:16.079
there's time to cut bait. I mean, because that person,

572
00:30:16.680 --> 00:30:19.559
they're just gonna continue to bring you down. And that's

573
00:30:19.640 --> 00:30:23.200
their life choice. If that's their life choice, that's their choice.

574
00:30:23.240 --> 00:30:27.559
You can't change that. You can't change what somebody doesn't

575
00:30:27.559 --> 00:30:30.640
want you to change. I mean, that's not for yours

576
00:30:30.680 --> 00:30:33.400
to change. We can't just sit there and change people's trajectory.

577
00:30:34.079 --> 00:30:35.839
Oh no, I feel like you want to do this

578
00:30:35.920 --> 00:30:37.599
in your life. I think you need to do this.

579
00:30:37.640 --> 00:30:39.279
I think you would be a better leader than this.

580
00:30:39.400 --> 00:30:41.119
I think you should do this. I think you should

581
00:30:41.160 --> 00:30:43.680
do that. Well, that's great, that's awesome. But you know

582
00:30:43.720 --> 00:30:46.160
what they're gonna say, you need to focus on your

583
00:30:46.200 --> 00:30:49.559
own life. You need to focus on your own stuff.

584
00:30:50.920 --> 00:30:54.200
And that's true, and it's so hard to let that be.

585
00:30:54.359 --> 00:30:56.799
It's so hard to turn around and say, you know what,

586
00:30:57.640 --> 00:31:00.599
that's so right. If I don't focus on my own life,

587
00:31:00.839 --> 00:31:04.079
nobody else will. This person can't even get any of

588
00:31:04.119 --> 00:31:06.920
their stuff together, period. How are they going to help me?

589
00:31:07.319 --> 00:31:10.279
And if I continue to focus all of my energy

590
00:31:10.440 --> 00:31:15.119
on this other person, I am going to completely lose myself.

591
00:31:15.400 --> 00:31:18.440
And probably this person's going to also take me completely

592
00:31:18.480 --> 00:31:23.079
down because they're not going to change as well. I've

593
00:31:23.119 --> 00:31:27.000
realized that you have people in life that are go getters, motivated,

594
00:31:27.000 --> 00:31:29.200
and people we go in and out of that motivation sometimes,

595
00:31:29.200 --> 00:31:31.839
but you have people that that's at their core and

596
00:31:31.880 --> 00:31:35.200
people that that's not at their core. And if you're

597
00:31:35.200 --> 00:31:39.000
trying to make somebody motivated and successful and wanting to

598
00:31:39.039 --> 00:31:41.839
do something and that's not their core, that's not them,

599
00:31:42.160 --> 00:31:44.960
that's not who they are at their core, you're gonna

600
00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:45.480
have a fight.

601
00:31:46.920 --> 00:31:47.559
You're gonna have a.

602
00:31:47.480 --> 00:31:49.359
Fight on your hands, and that fight's probably not going

603
00:31:49.440 --> 00:31:53.079
to go very well because it's just, you know, you're

604
00:31:53.079 --> 00:31:58.319
trying to change somebody's direction trajectory. And you know, I

605
00:31:58.319 --> 00:32:00.559
think this is very important for everybody listens, because I

606
00:32:00.599 --> 00:32:02.799
know that sometimes some people might say, well, man, I

607
00:32:02.880 --> 00:32:06.160
mean this really puts a perspective on my marriage. Well yeah,

608
00:32:06.200 --> 00:32:09.039
it might, but I mean, are you happy so far

609
00:32:09.240 --> 00:32:09.920
throughout all this?

610
00:32:10.119 --> 00:32:10.880
Probably not.

611
00:32:12.519 --> 00:32:15.039
You've probably been dealing with a lot of negativity, a

612
00:32:15.039 --> 00:32:18.359
lot of anger, a lot of crises, Probably have been

613
00:32:18.359 --> 00:32:20.799
putting a lot of things on the back burner, probably

614
00:32:20.839 --> 00:32:23.799
not really spending time with people that you have, probably

615
00:32:23.839 --> 00:32:25.799
overlooking a lot of just things you need to do

616
00:32:25.839 --> 00:32:28.000
for yourself, you're probably not going to the doctor or

617
00:32:28.039 --> 00:32:30.920
taking care of yourself. You're probably not taking care of

618
00:32:30.960 --> 00:32:32.720
things that you need to take care of for yourself,

619
00:32:32.720 --> 00:32:35.759
and so your health is deteriorating while this other person

620
00:32:35.839 --> 00:32:39.200
is taking up the rest of your energy. And so,

621
00:32:39.400 --> 00:32:42.119
you know, when we think about it, we have to

622
00:32:42.160 --> 00:32:49.000
stop making excuses, especially when it becomes unhealthy. Also, denial

623
00:32:49.119 --> 00:32:52.640
is a big thing, and so besides intellectualizing and rationalizing,

624
00:32:52.960 --> 00:32:56.480
we have to look at denial. We have to look

625
00:32:56.519 --> 00:33:01.519
at denial because denying when somebody or denying the reason

626
00:33:01.519 --> 00:33:03.759
why they did it, or you know, or giving that

627
00:33:03.880 --> 00:33:06.319
excuse if they weren't really doing that on purpose, they

628
00:33:06.319 --> 00:33:08.319
were just in a bad mood, or they were under

629
00:33:08.359 --> 00:33:12.640
the influence, or they haven't slept. All these things are

630
00:33:12.759 --> 00:33:14.680
very interesting. I had a coin the other day. Why

631
00:33:14.680 --> 00:33:16.799
can't you know she did that? But that's not her.

632
00:33:16.960 --> 00:33:17.519
It's not her.

633
00:33:17.599 --> 00:33:20.440
She just hadn't slept and she was on adderall. And

634
00:33:20.799 --> 00:33:22.960
but I mean, this has happened a lot of times.

635
00:33:23.039 --> 00:33:26.319
And sure it might be adderall fueled. It might be

636
00:33:26.400 --> 00:33:29.920
you know, you know, the no sleep, you know, being

637
00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:33.559
up fueled. But again it's coming out of her mouth. Again,

638
00:33:33.640 --> 00:33:34.880
she's doing this again.

639
00:33:34.920 --> 00:33:37.720
This is her. It's not somebody else, it's her.

640
00:33:38.599 --> 00:33:40.880
So it's really it's like when we deny these things,

641
00:33:40.880 --> 00:33:44.279
we're also kind of denying our truth, but we're also

642
00:33:44.359 --> 00:33:45.079
hurting ourselves.

643
00:33:45.160 --> 00:33:45.640
So stay tuned.

644
00:33:45.640 --> 00:33:49.400
I am not talking more about denial, acceptance, bargaining, and

645
00:33:49.440 --> 00:33:51.400
self blame, So stay tuned. We got a little more

646
00:33:51.400 --> 00:33:55.279
coming up Ligature Life Perspectives with your host me Ashley Burgess, will.

647
00:33:55.160 --> 00:33:57.279
Be back in. I'll be back to this time. You

648
00:33:57.319 --> 00:33:57.480
know what.

649
00:33:57.519 --> 00:34:09.239
I'll be back this time in two shakes.

650
00:34:14.639 --> 00:34:18.760
Get in here. You're listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

651
00:34:21.599 --> 00:34:24.440
Welcome back live to Libtry Life Perspectives and I'm your host,

652
00:34:24.559 --> 00:34:25.440
Ashley Burgess.

653
00:34:26.440 --> 00:34:30.000
We're discussing when is it unhealthy.

654
00:34:30.920 --> 00:34:39.119
To be making excuses for other people's behaviors, choices, addictions, negativity, meanness.

655
00:34:40.320 --> 00:34:44.559
You know, at what point does that become unhealthy? And

656
00:34:44.920 --> 00:34:46.880
you know, right before the break, I was talking about,

657
00:34:47.039 --> 00:34:51.679
you know, intellectualizing and rationalizing and making reasons for.

658
00:34:51.679 --> 00:34:53.079
Why people do what they do.

659
00:34:53.239 --> 00:34:55.800
Oh, you know, they've been having to take care of

660
00:34:55.840 --> 00:34:58.599
their mother and you know, you know it's got to

661
00:34:58.639 --> 00:35:01.440
be stressful, you know, I mean, I don't agree with,

662
00:35:01.639 --> 00:35:04.039
you know, opening a bottle of vodka at seven am.

663
00:35:04.079 --> 00:35:06.679
But you know, it's stressful times and that's probably just

664
00:35:06.719 --> 00:35:09.159
the way they're handling things and that's not good.

665
00:35:10.760 --> 00:35:11.960
Yes, that might be a part of.

666
00:35:11.960 --> 00:35:15.039
The stress, but that's not the whole reason someone's drinking.

667
00:35:15.880 --> 00:35:18.360
And to sit there and also rationalize that this is

668
00:35:18.400 --> 00:35:20.840
all based on the fact that his mother's like not well,

669
00:35:21.280 --> 00:35:25.599
all these things are just like it's it's jeopardizing not

670
00:35:25.639 --> 00:35:27.800
only the relationship you have with this person, but also

671
00:35:27.880 --> 00:35:30.280
you're enabling this person to continue with this activity.

672
00:35:31.400 --> 00:35:32.559
And you know, it's interesting.

673
00:35:32.559 --> 00:35:34.320
You know, I was talking to a client recently, and

674
00:35:34.639 --> 00:35:37.559
you know they said that their their significant other you know,

675
00:35:37.800 --> 00:35:40.480
was drinking, you know, like at nine am in the morning,

676
00:35:40.559 --> 00:35:43.519
you know, on it like on a Tuesday, and all

677
00:35:43.599 --> 00:35:45.360
kinds of stuff. And they're like, you know, it wasn't

678
00:35:45.440 --> 00:35:47.639
until somebody came by their house that was doing some

679
00:35:47.719 --> 00:35:51.440
work for them made a comment, you know, to my

680
00:35:51.639 --> 00:35:52.679
to my client, you know.

681
00:35:52.599 --> 00:35:55.400
Hey, is is your is your is your husband? Okay?

682
00:35:55.440 --> 00:35:57.079
And what do you mean why I just saw him,

683
00:35:57.079 --> 00:35:59.440
you know, just down in some scotch in the kitchen.

684
00:35:59.559 --> 00:36:02.840
I it's in the morning. I just didn't know, and

685
00:36:03.039 --> 00:36:06.159
you you start rationalizing all this stuff, you start accepting

686
00:36:06.199 --> 00:36:07.920
all this stuff, and the stuff that other people kind

687
00:36:07.920 --> 00:36:12.480
of look at as who what's up with that? You're like, oh, yeah,

688
00:36:12.599 --> 00:36:14.280
you know, and then you kind of start thinking that's

689
00:36:14.400 --> 00:36:17.920
not really good that I'm just accepting that behavior, thinking

690
00:36:17.960 --> 00:36:23.079
it's okay. It's not okay. It's a definite sign to somebody.

691
00:36:23.239 --> 00:36:25.440
And you know, we use these excuses the same thing

692
00:36:25.440 --> 00:36:27.679
as that person about the you know, the mother that's

693
00:36:27.719 --> 00:36:30.400
being sick is probably used that excuse over and over

694
00:36:30.440 --> 00:36:34.199
and over again to justify what they're doing. You know,

695
00:36:34.360 --> 00:36:37.280
I mean, how many times have we justified over drinking

696
00:36:37.360 --> 00:36:39.599
based on work? How many times do we justified being

697
00:36:39.639 --> 00:36:42.039
in a toxic relationship because we don't want to be alone?

698
00:36:42.079 --> 00:36:45.119
How many times have we justified, you know, accepting poor

699
00:36:45.159 --> 00:36:47.679
behavior because we don't want to start a fight. How

700
00:36:47.719 --> 00:36:49.280
many times were we justified I don't want to have

701
00:36:49.320 --> 00:36:51.119
an argument. I don't have conflict because when I was

702
00:36:51.119 --> 00:36:52.639
growing up, I used to have conflict. I don't like

703
00:36:52.639 --> 00:36:55.440
conflict now, So I just accept this, even though what

704
00:36:55.519 --> 00:36:59.719
I'm accepting is really pissed poor I'm accepting really crappy behavior.

705
00:37:00.320 --> 00:37:02.760
And I'm very upset with it, and it turns me off,

706
00:37:02.920 --> 00:37:05.320
and it's a horrible situation. And it makes me upset

707
00:37:05.320 --> 00:37:07.519
and angry, and it makes me do bad at work,

708
00:37:07.639 --> 00:37:09.360
and it makes me not focus on my stuff. But

709
00:37:09.400 --> 00:37:11.239
yet I'm gonna continue to do this because I don't

710
00:37:11.280 --> 00:37:13.920
like conflict. Yeah, when I was a kid, there's conflict.

711
00:37:13.960 --> 00:37:14.480
I don't like that.

712
00:37:14.519 --> 00:37:16.199
So I'm just gonna avoid conflict at all costs. I

713
00:37:16.199 --> 00:37:19.400
don't like conflict. So think about that. So it's like

714
00:37:19.440 --> 00:37:23.519
and and and then when we talk about denial, so

715
00:37:23.639 --> 00:37:26.239
a lot of us and vent reasons we deny, like

716
00:37:26.280 --> 00:37:30.239
we deny the reality of what they're doing. Oh no,

717
00:37:30.440 --> 00:37:32.840
I you know, I probably I probably saw it wrong,

718
00:37:32.960 --> 00:37:37.679
or I probably heard it wrong. I probably overestimated that,

719
00:37:38.119 --> 00:37:40.519
or you know. I mean so then we started questioning

720
00:37:40.559 --> 00:37:43.440
our memory or how it happened or what was said

721
00:37:45.119 --> 00:37:49.840
in an effort to deny because not or we oh,

722
00:37:49.920 --> 00:37:52.679
we forget what really happened. We wrot really forget. We

723
00:37:52.800 --> 00:37:56.280
just change the narrative in our denial of how bad

724
00:37:56.320 --> 00:38:01.440
it really is, right, how bad it really is. I

725
00:38:01.480 --> 00:38:03.840
had a quie recently where there's significant other you know,

726
00:38:03.880 --> 00:38:06.320
broke down the door and all that stuff, and the

727
00:38:06.320 --> 00:38:08.639
cops show up, and you know, a month after it

728
00:38:08.679 --> 00:38:10.519
all happened, I didn't break down your door. I don't

729
00:38:10.519 --> 00:38:14.000
know what you're talking about. I just threw salsa at

730
00:38:14.039 --> 00:38:17.960
your door. I didn't break it down. Well, yeah, and

731
00:38:18.000 --> 00:38:20.280
the police report they threw salsa to begin with, then

732
00:38:20.320 --> 00:38:24.679
broke the door down, then had an altercation with my client. Okay,

733
00:38:24.679 --> 00:38:27.719
but but it's like, okay, I mean, but what we're

734
00:38:27.719 --> 00:38:30.480
telling a narrative. We're creating a false narrative in order

735
00:38:30.519 --> 00:38:35.679
to you know, accept our behavior and not really look

736
00:38:35.679 --> 00:38:39.400
at it for the truth. And then another side of

737
00:38:39.440 --> 00:38:41.760
the coin is we accept other people's abuse, We accept

738
00:38:41.760 --> 00:38:43.840
other people's stuff. We just accepted, Oh, I'm just gonna

739
00:38:43.840 --> 00:38:48.400
accept it. We all have our issues, and that's fine.

740
00:38:48.599 --> 00:38:50.920
There's a little bit of issues we can accept because

741
00:38:50.960 --> 00:38:53.960
that's just the way life is. But just global acceptance

742
00:38:54.000 --> 00:38:56.719
on somebody that's obviously doing quite a bit of things,

743
00:38:57.360 --> 00:38:59.519
it's not necessarily a good idea. It's just like, ah,

744
00:38:59.559 --> 00:39:04.320
I'm just gonna universally accept you know, I'm going to

745
00:39:04.360 --> 00:39:07.360
accept that because you know, yep, I want everybody to

746
00:39:07.360 --> 00:39:10.639
accept what I'm doing too. And that's part of it, too,

747
00:39:10.679 --> 00:39:13.079
is that I realized when we're accepting a lot of behavior,

748
00:39:13.880 --> 00:39:17.760
we're also we're also probably doing stuff that we don't

749
00:39:17.800 --> 00:39:18.840
really want to deal with either.

750
00:39:20.039 --> 00:39:20.440
You know, I.

751
00:39:20.400 --> 00:39:23.480
Realize that, you know, when somebody stops drinking and there

752
00:39:23.559 --> 00:39:26.559
was somebody that is over drinking, there's only a period

753
00:39:26.599 --> 00:39:28.920
of time that that continues until that person that has

754
00:39:28.920 --> 00:39:33.039
stopped drinking starts making comments and pointing out how over

755
00:39:33.199 --> 00:39:37.599
how much that other person is over drinking. I mean,

756
00:39:37.639 --> 00:39:40.119
when when we're all drinking together and everybody and and

757
00:39:40.239 --> 00:39:44.840
the alcohol is flowing, it's one thing, it might be

758
00:39:44.880 --> 00:39:47.320
a big difference between how much one person drinking versus

759
00:39:47.360 --> 00:39:50.159
the other, what have you. But when somebody stops, it

760
00:39:50.239 --> 00:39:51.760
takes a little bit of time. But all of a sudden,

761
00:39:51.760 --> 00:39:54.079
it's like the realization of I'm not I'm not going

762
00:39:54.159 --> 00:39:55.920
to keep accepting that. I was accepting that because I

763
00:39:55.960 --> 00:39:58.840
didn't want personal judgment on my own about me from

764
00:39:58.840 --> 00:40:01.159
that person, and I'll I didn't want to judge myself.

765
00:40:01.320 --> 00:40:03.079
But now I'm looking at the situation with a little

766
00:40:03.079 --> 00:40:05.800
more clarity. But also, you know, it's like, Okay, so

767
00:40:05.840 --> 00:40:07.800
I've realized that when we accept all.

768
00:40:07.639 --> 00:40:08.599
These kinds of things.

769
00:40:10.039 --> 00:40:11.800
You know, it could be because we just love people,

770
00:40:11.800 --> 00:40:13.519
and I have a tendency of accepting people because I

771
00:40:13.519 --> 00:40:15.599
don't want to judge it. But there's sometimes that we

772
00:40:15.719 --> 00:40:17.599
have to not just accept and we got to just

773
00:40:17.599 --> 00:40:19.280
bring it up. We have to see it at least

774
00:40:19.320 --> 00:40:24.360
for the at least acknowledge the truth, at least acknowledging

775
00:40:24.480 --> 00:40:26.480
the fact that the truth is X y Z.

776
00:40:28.559 --> 00:40:29.960
And that's super important.

777
00:40:31.360 --> 00:40:33.159
You know, A couple of things I want to talk about,

778
00:40:33.559 --> 00:40:36.079
you know before the end of today's podcast is bargaining.

779
00:40:37.159 --> 00:40:38.960
You know, a lot of us are in relationships where

780
00:40:38.960 --> 00:40:42.039
you're finding yourself bargaining with that person in your relationship,

781
00:40:43.599 --> 00:40:48.440
trying to bargain. You know, you're trying to convince them

782
00:40:48.440 --> 00:40:52.159
to stay around. Maybe many of y'all are, you know,

783
00:40:52.280 --> 00:40:54.840
dealing with somebody that's constantly saying they're going to divorce you,

784
00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:57.400
leave you. Maybe many of you have in a relationship

785
00:40:57.440 --> 00:40:59.480
for ten to fifteen years or wife keeps saying that

786
00:40:59.559 --> 00:41:01.840
kind of stuff. It really hurts you. So you keep

787
00:41:01.880 --> 00:41:03.679
doing more and more and more and more. But more

788
00:41:03.760 --> 00:41:06.000
never changes anything. It just keeps the same. It's the

789
00:41:06.039 --> 00:41:08.880
same status quote. No matter how much you do. Even

790
00:41:08.920 --> 00:41:10.960
if there's a little short reprieve of a day or two,

791
00:41:11.079 --> 00:41:12.400
it's still not good enough.

792
00:41:12.559 --> 00:41:13.119
And you got to.

793
00:41:13.119 --> 00:41:15.320
Start looking at yourself in the mirror and realizing it's

794
00:41:15.360 --> 00:41:17.599
not about you that's not good enough. It's them that's

795
00:41:17.599 --> 00:41:20.800
not good enough for themselves, and they're just making everybody

796
00:41:20.800 --> 00:41:23.920
else's life live in hell because that's what they want.

797
00:41:24.039 --> 00:41:26.840
They want you to be in hell too, And so

798
00:41:26.920 --> 00:41:29.960
this bargaining and oh, you know, you know, I had

799
00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:32.559
some clients recently that had to cut out their their

800
00:41:32.639 --> 00:41:34.880
family and there and they were they're you know, they're

801
00:41:34.920 --> 00:41:36.679
they're significant other. One of them to cut out their

802
00:41:36.760 --> 00:41:39.679
kids from a previous marriage. It's like whoa, whoa, whoa.

803
00:41:39.800 --> 00:41:42.760
You really got to start looking at yourself and analyzing

804
00:41:43.119 --> 00:41:46.360
what you're accepting in your life. And if you start

805
00:41:46.400 --> 00:41:49.360
bargaining with those type of chips, you know, you're you're gone.

806
00:41:49.440 --> 00:41:50.239
You know you're you're.

807
00:41:50.119 --> 00:41:51.960
Gonna be very lost, and it's gonna take a lot

808
00:41:51.960 --> 00:41:53.519
of time to pick up the pieces later on on

809
00:41:53.559 --> 00:41:57.039
the road, because that person will leave you in destitute.

810
00:41:58.000 --> 00:42:00.320
And it's interesting because the reason why they do that

811
00:42:00.400 --> 00:42:02.599
is now they've taken away everything, and now they can

812
00:42:02.639 --> 00:42:05.159
really bully you and beat you down. But see, people

813
00:42:05.159 --> 00:42:07.519
don't realize that. They think that they're bargaining with them

814
00:42:07.559 --> 00:42:10.159
and they're gonna get something out of it, but in reality, uh,

815
00:42:10.159 --> 00:42:11.159
they don't get anything out of it.

816
00:42:11.679 --> 00:42:15.159
You just lose even more. And those types of people

817
00:42:15.199 --> 00:42:16.360
aren't wanting the best for you.

818
00:42:16.679 --> 00:42:18.119
And that's one of the big things that I think

819
00:42:18.119 --> 00:42:20.719
we need to look at too, is not making excuses.

820
00:42:21.119 --> 00:42:23.840
Stop making excuses for people that don't want the best

821
00:42:23.840 --> 00:42:26.719
for you. Stop making excuses for people that are using you.

822
00:42:27.239 --> 00:42:31.440
Stop making excuses for people that are manipulating you.

823
00:42:32.119 --> 00:42:34.559
Oh they had they had a terrible childhood.

824
00:42:34.679 --> 00:42:36.360
You know how many people I've heard have a terrible

825
00:42:36.440 --> 00:42:41.159
childhood and the and the work that I do. Jesus,

826
00:42:42.199 --> 00:42:43.880
you know how many people? I mean, come on, Oh

827
00:42:44.239 --> 00:42:47.440
they have this challenge or whatever. Okay, But the fact

828
00:42:47.599 --> 00:42:50.960
is is that you keep making excuses for their bad behavior,

829
00:42:52.000 --> 00:42:54.519
You keep enabling them, and you keep wondering why is

830
00:42:54.559 --> 00:42:55.360
this happening to me?

831
00:42:55.559 --> 00:42:57.159
Because you're enabling them. Everybody.

832
00:42:57.199 --> 00:42:59.960
Most people I've met had a bad childhood. About how

833
00:43:00.039 --> 00:43:01.559
half the clients I work with there was some sort

834
00:43:01.599 --> 00:43:05.360
of abuse, neglect, something. Okay, So you know, you got

835
00:43:05.400 --> 00:43:08.920
to take that off the table already. Stop making excuses

836
00:43:08.920 --> 00:43:11.880
for people's poor behavior, especially when it brings down your

837
00:43:11.880 --> 00:43:16.280
self esteem, takes away from your self worth, takes away

838
00:43:16.320 --> 00:43:20.519
from your value, takes away from you know, your your

839
00:43:20.559 --> 00:43:24.280
peace of mind. I mean, all those things are valuable,

840
00:43:24.639 --> 00:43:27.679
and you have to be the one to safeguard it.

841
00:43:27.760 --> 00:43:29.400
You have to be the one to think about this.

842
00:43:29.559 --> 00:43:31.760
You have to be the one to do what you

843
00:43:31.840 --> 00:43:34.320
need to do to safeguard you. Nobody's gonna safeguard you,

844
00:43:34.440 --> 00:43:37.599
especially if you're around somebody that you're enabling or you're

845
00:43:37.639 --> 00:43:41.440
accepting their bad behavior, or you're bargaining with them. We're

846
00:43:41.480 --> 00:43:44.920
already falling short as far as the leadership role is concerned.

847
00:43:45.960 --> 00:43:50.800
When you start finding yourself bargaining in a marriage or

848
00:43:50.840 --> 00:43:55.159
you know, in a romantic relationship, that's when that other

849
00:43:55.239 --> 00:43:59.119
person is playing you because you think that you can

850
00:43:59.159 --> 00:44:02.280
convince them, But in reality, it's not about convincing them.

851
00:44:02.360 --> 00:44:04.519
They are already upset with themselves. They just want to

852
00:44:04.519 --> 00:44:06.719
make you as upset as they are in their own life,

853
00:44:07.000 --> 00:44:09.000
and they're gonna play with you. They're gonna manipulate you.

854
00:44:09.039 --> 00:44:11.800
They could be very narcissistic. They could be even malignant

855
00:44:11.840 --> 00:44:14.800
narcissistic where they're taking advantage of you and they're actually

856
00:44:14.840 --> 00:44:18.039
getting pleasure from that taking advantage of you. And that's

857
00:44:18.039 --> 00:44:20.159
something that we all have to talk about in upcoming show,

858
00:44:20.199 --> 00:44:22.559
is because there's a difference between having a little bit

859
00:44:22.559 --> 00:44:26.199
of narcissistic tendencies versus being a complete malignant narcissist, where

860
00:44:26.199 --> 00:44:28.679
we have to be very careful of that because those

861
00:44:28.719 --> 00:44:31.719
type of people really do you know that they will

862
00:44:31.760 --> 00:44:33.840
push your buttons. They will they will try to get

863
00:44:33.880 --> 00:44:37.119
you to argue, to fight, and if you're a conflict avoidant,

864
00:44:38.199 --> 00:44:40.239
you know, they will run game on you. They will

865
00:44:40.320 --> 00:44:43.119
run all over you, they will take advantage of you.

866
00:44:43.159 --> 00:44:48.280
They will take advantage of every single piece of you emotionally, mentally, physically, financially.

867
00:44:49.400 --> 00:44:51.039
And so these are the things that we really need

868
00:44:51.039 --> 00:44:52.760
to kind of talk about because this is the real

869
00:44:52.800 --> 00:44:55.559
issues that many of us are dealing with. And you know,

870
00:44:55.639 --> 00:44:58.320
please share this with family and friends, Please share this.

871
00:44:58.400 --> 00:45:01.639
You know we're on apple Spot, you know a speaker,

872
00:45:02.119 --> 00:45:04.639
We're on iHeart. You know we're or on all all

873
00:45:04.679 --> 00:45:06.639
the places where you hear a podcasts. You know we're

874
00:45:06.719 --> 00:45:10.039
here on the radio where everywhere, so share this with folks,

875
00:45:10.079 --> 00:45:12.199
because if you're if you're dealing with this right now,

876
00:45:12.400 --> 00:45:15.360
if you're making excuses for other people's behavior, if you

877
00:45:15.440 --> 00:45:17.559
have a friend that's making excuses for other people's behavior,

878
00:45:17.719 --> 00:45:19.599
if you have a friend that's making excuses about their

879
00:45:19.639 --> 00:45:22.599
own behavior, this is stuff that we all want to share.

880
00:45:22.679 --> 00:45:23.679
We need to be enlightened.

881
00:45:23.719 --> 00:45:25.840
And the thing is is that until we really focus

882
00:45:25.880 --> 00:45:28.519
on this and really work on this, we're you know.

883
00:45:28.480 --> 00:45:30.920
We're slaves. Were slaves.

884
00:45:31.559 --> 00:45:34.559
We're slaves to the situations, slave to the other person's

885
00:45:34.639 --> 00:45:37.880
actions attitudes, slaves to our own actions and attitudes. We

886
00:45:37.920 --> 00:45:41.679
are definitely not a free person. And this is what

887
00:45:41.719 --> 00:45:43.440
we need to really focus on. So I hope this

888
00:45:43.480 --> 00:45:45.960
show has helped you. If you haven't already, check out

889
00:45:46.239 --> 00:45:49.599
the website, go to Ashleyburgess dot com. We redid the website.

890
00:45:49.679 --> 00:45:52.599
It has a new face. It's got a facelift, a

891
00:45:52.679 --> 00:45:54.519
whole body lift, a mommy makeover.

892
00:45:54.559 --> 00:45:55.159
I'm just kidding.

893
00:45:55.159 --> 00:45:57.800
It's got a whole makeover, and you got to check

894
00:45:57.840 --> 00:46:00.159
it out. Also, we have the membership site back up

895
00:46:00.239 --> 00:46:02.480
on the website. You can join for free and we

896
00:46:02.519 --> 00:46:05.079
will be doing some live shows from there as well,

897
00:46:05.840 --> 00:46:08.199
and we're looking into the technology for that right now,

898
00:46:08.280 --> 00:46:10.280
so check that out. And also, if you haven't already

899
00:46:10.280 --> 00:46:13.360
subscribed to the YouTube channel, we have almost two hundred

900
00:46:13.360 --> 00:46:15.840
thousand subscribers, come on and jump in.

901
00:46:15.880 --> 00:46:16.679
What are you waiting for?

902
00:46:17.119 --> 00:46:19.639
We put up new content all week and it's good stuff,

903
00:46:19.679 --> 00:46:21.320
so check it out. Let us know how you're feeling

904
00:46:21.360 --> 00:46:23.440
and write a comment. Let us know what you want

905
00:46:23.480 --> 00:46:25.519
to talk about. Well, you know, if you want a

906
00:46:25.519 --> 00:46:29.639
certain type of content talked about, we'll we'll make it possible.

907
00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:32.119
We'll definitely work at it and put it up there.

908
00:46:32.199 --> 00:46:35.519
So check that out. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Go

909
00:46:35.519 --> 00:46:38.280
to YouTube put in Life Coach Ashley Burgess. Hit that

910
00:46:38.320 --> 00:46:41.159
subscribe button. It'll let you when new videos come out

911
00:46:41.199 --> 00:46:43.760
every day of the week. Talk to you later. Hopefully

912
00:46:43.760 --> 00:46:45.480
you have liked this show. We have a new show

913
00:46:45.519 --> 00:46:48.599
coming out next week and live your true life perspectives

914
00:46:48.599 --> 00:46:50.639
with your host me, Ashley Burgess. We'll be back in

915
00:46:51.159 --> 00:46:52.960
I'll be back this time, you know it. I'll be

916
00:46:53.000 --> 00:46:54.239
back this time in three.

917
00:46:54.280 --> 00:47:02.159
Shakespe