May 13, 2026

What Role Does Fear Play in Unhealthy Toxic Relationships? [Ep. 813]

What Role Does Fear Play in Unhealthy Toxic Relationships? [Ep. 813]
Apple Podcasts podcast player iconSpotify podcast player iconRSS Feed podcast player icon
Apple Podcasts podcast player iconSpotify podcast player iconRSS Feed podcast player icon

Unhealthy Relationships have One Common Denominator…FEAR…Unhealthy, toxic, and challenging relationships often begin with love bombing, massive amounts of attention from the other person, codependency, and an over-active mind creating a "perfect life" narrative that makes us overlook the red flags and jump in head first. Often we get into serious relationships, unhealthy marriages, and have children with people that we should not be in a relationship with. We pushed ourselves into these relationships because of the fear of being alone, fear of dying alone, and old school triggers of being the only child, having no one, and being abandoned by parents or family. Having a child with someone is the biggest “contract” you will ever make with someone…Choose wisely! This latest podcast will enlighten you, bring you awareness, and save your ass. Don’t let fear rule your life.

Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-ashley-berges-show--1272964/support.

WEBVTT

1
00:00:01.720 --> 00:00:04.240
You're in a good place now you are listening to

2
00:00:04.320 --> 00:00:11.039
Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Welcome back to the Ashley Burgess Podcast.

3
00:00:11.160 --> 00:00:16.000
And to day we're talking about unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships

4
00:00:16.039 --> 00:00:20.920
have one common denominator, and that is fear. Whether it's

5
00:00:20.960 --> 00:00:24.920
a fast and furious love affair, a marriage without getting

6
00:00:24.920 --> 00:00:27.839
to know someone, not really putting in the time to

7
00:00:27.879 --> 00:00:30.879
see who that person is and to understand that person,

8
00:00:31.800 --> 00:00:34.560
or other people who are wanting to have a family

9
00:00:35.240 --> 00:00:39.119
at all costs and not realizing the kind of person

10
00:00:39.159 --> 00:00:43.240
that they're having this family, this child with. And it's

11
00:00:43.280 --> 00:00:48.240
interesting because fear is really all encompassing, the fear of

12
00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:51.920
being alone, the fear of dying alone, the fear of

13
00:00:51.960 --> 00:00:52.920
not getting.

14
00:00:52.520 --> 00:00:55.439
Married, the fear of not having.

15
00:00:55.119 --> 00:00:57.759
Somebody, the fear of not being able to take care

16
00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:00.399
of someone or not having someone take care of you,

17
00:01:01.719 --> 00:01:05.519
the fear of being by yourself. All these fears push

18
00:01:05.599 --> 00:01:09.439
people into relationships that they really have no business being in.

19
00:01:10.599 --> 00:01:13.760
And it's interesting because those relationships, even though in the

20
00:01:13.799 --> 00:01:19.200
beginning it's solving this void, solving this fear factor, but

21
00:01:19.319 --> 00:01:24.760
these relationships turn into absolute nightmares. And today's podcast, we're

22
00:01:24.840 --> 00:01:29.480
going to explore these fears, understand these types of fears

23
00:01:30.280 --> 00:01:33.480
that get us into these types of relationships, and how

24
00:01:33.519 --> 00:01:37.000
to begin to see through the fear and understand where

25
00:01:37.079 --> 00:01:40.640
the fear is coming from and begin to address that fear.

26
00:01:42.239 --> 00:01:44.560
A quick reminder remember.

27
00:01:44.239 --> 00:01:48.400
The more we focus on something whatever that is, the

28
00:01:48.480 --> 00:01:52.239
bigger it becomes. A good example is if you think

29
00:01:52.239 --> 00:01:56.159
about news media, they use fear as a scare tactic

30
00:01:56.239 --> 00:01:59.840
to make you worry, right, They scare you into worrying things.

31
00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:02.000
So you see it on the news, something playing out,

32
00:02:02.239 --> 00:02:05.280
and they're constantly showing it to you. They're constantly scaring

33
00:02:05.319 --> 00:02:07.640
you with it. They're constantly making you feel more fear.

34
00:02:08.000 --> 00:02:12.719
You become completely overwhelmed, and you get into this overwhelmed

35
00:02:12.800 --> 00:02:16.840
feeling because you're focusing on this news story that they

36
00:02:16.919 --> 00:02:20.520
keep showing you every hour on the hour, and so

37
00:02:20.560 --> 00:02:23.960
it builds more and more fear within you, making it

38
00:02:23.960 --> 00:02:27.280
feel more and more realistic, and you begin to own

39
00:02:27.400 --> 00:02:33.759
that fear. So one of the number one fears for

40
00:02:33.919 --> 00:02:38.120
a lot of humans in society today is the fear

41
00:02:38.240 --> 00:02:42.560
of being alone. You'd rather be with someone that you

42
00:02:42.680 --> 00:02:46.400
can't even stand. But the funny thing is it doesn't

43
00:02:46.439 --> 00:02:49.159
start that way, right. It doesn't start that way. It's

44
00:02:49.159 --> 00:02:53.960
not like these relationships begin and you meet this person

45
00:02:54.080 --> 00:02:56.400
and you can't stand them, and the idea of being

46
00:02:56.439 --> 00:03:01.680
around them literally, you know, takes away you know, your

47
00:03:01.879 --> 00:03:04.280
love for living, you know, it takes away your zest

48
00:03:04.319 --> 00:03:07.599
for life. What happens is you get to know these people,

49
00:03:07.639 --> 00:03:10.759
and in the beginning, you don't really see that person

50
00:03:10.840 --> 00:03:14.680
for who they are. You don't really see that person

51
00:03:14.759 --> 00:03:18.879
for what they're honestly bringing to the table. You don't

52
00:03:18.919 --> 00:03:21.879
really see them really at all, because you're too busy

53
00:03:22.919 --> 00:03:24.840
creating this reality.

54
00:03:25.800 --> 00:03:27.000
In your mind.

55
00:03:28.159 --> 00:03:33.919
Of this perfect relationship that one can never exist. But

56
00:03:34.080 --> 00:03:37.800
you start creating this concept in your mind's eye around

57
00:03:37.840 --> 00:03:41.680
this person. And it's interesting because in the beginning, a

58
00:03:41.759 --> 00:03:44.479
lot of times these people are great because they're helping

59
00:03:44.520 --> 00:03:47.879
you create this false reality too by love bombing you

60
00:03:47.919 --> 00:03:48.520
and giving you.

61
00:03:48.520 --> 00:03:49.280
Lots of attention.

62
00:03:50.280 --> 00:03:53.919
Right, But the love bombing and the attention is not

63
00:03:53.960 --> 00:03:56.400
truly who they are, and that's going to be pulled

64
00:03:56.439 --> 00:03:59.800
away quite quickly. However, in the beginning, you're like, Wow,

65
00:03:59.879 --> 00:04:02.439
the this is the relationship that I've wanted for so long.

66
00:04:02.560 --> 00:04:06.280
This person's constantly thinking about me, calling me you know,

67
00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:09.719
buying me things, giving me all this attention. It feels

68
00:04:09.759 --> 00:04:14.120
so good. It's such a great feeling. I absolutely love this.

69
00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:17.439
And you get all entangled in this, right, and so

70
00:04:17.920 --> 00:04:20.759
you end up doing everything with this person. You normally

71
00:04:20.800 --> 00:04:24.839
have absolutely zero personal time of your own. Your life

72
00:04:24.839 --> 00:04:28.759
has changed. You become literally this person's appendage. Basically, you

73
00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:30.639
can't leave them. They're like, oh my god, I found

74
00:04:30.680 --> 00:04:35.680
the love of my life. Right, But it's interesting because

75
00:04:36.279 --> 00:04:38.480
you begin to be on a daily basis with this

76
00:04:38.560 --> 00:04:42.600
person and they continue to stretch out this concept with you.

77
00:04:42.759 --> 00:04:45.839
But it's not until you finally get married to this person,

78
00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:50.600
have this relationship with this person where this person begins

79
00:04:50.720 --> 00:04:54.439
to augment and change. And I know that many of

80
00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:56.680
you are like, wow, they just changed out of the blue,

81
00:04:56.800 --> 00:04:59.600
like everything started changing. Like you know, she was like,

82
00:04:59.759 --> 00:05:02.439
you know, this great homemaker and did all these things

83
00:05:02.480 --> 00:05:05.519
around the house, and now she doesn't do anything and

84
00:05:05.560 --> 00:05:07.519
she doesn't cook or clean or anything.

85
00:05:08.079 --> 00:05:10.720
I guess she's changed. Well did she change?

86
00:05:11.480 --> 00:05:14.839
Or was all that just a version They knew that

87
00:05:14.920 --> 00:05:18.399
you wanted, and so they played out the version, the

88
00:05:18.639 --> 00:05:22.240
role right, the Hollywood roll for you, and then they change,

89
00:05:23.560 --> 00:05:27.720
you know, It's interesting when these roles end up stopping

90
00:05:27.800 --> 00:05:30.480
like all of a sudden and it's dead in its tracks,

91
00:05:30.519 --> 00:05:34.439
like they're no longer doing what they were doing forever,

92
00:05:35.319 --> 00:05:38.000
and now things have augmented. You know, they're no longer

93
00:05:38.040 --> 00:05:40.040
that stay at home wanting to be there for you,

94
00:05:40.160 --> 00:05:44.480
this conservative woman, or he's no longer doting on.

95
00:05:44.360 --> 00:05:45.319
You and there for you.

96
00:05:45.439 --> 00:05:47.800
It seems like he doesn't have time for you anymore.

97
00:05:48.160 --> 00:05:51.279
There's all these things that start happening and you're like, wow,

98
00:05:51.480 --> 00:05:54.759
this person really changed. I don't know how this all happened. Well, no,

99
00:05:54.879 --> 00:05:58.160
they didn't change. They didn't change at all. They were

100
00:05:58.199 --> 00:06:02.000
always wearing a mask, pretending to be somebody they weren't.

101
00:06:02.399 --> 00:06:05.319
And you though there was lots of red flags, right.

102
00:06:05.360 --> 00:06:07.439
A lot of times we have these red flags, but

103
00:06:07.639 --> 00:06:10.759
because we have that fear factor of not wanting to

104
00:06:10.759 --> 00:06:14.720
be alone, not wanting to die alone, not wanting to

105
00:06:14.879 --> 00:06:19.160
be without family, we overlook these things. Right. There's the

106
00:06:19.199 --> 00:06:22.000
red flag here. It's like we're in communist China. There's

107
00:06:22.040 --> 00:06:24.800
so many red flags, right, but we're not seeing it

108
00:06:24.800 --> 00:06:28.959
because we don't want to see it. And I want

109
00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:30.600
you to think about that. A lot of us get

110
00:06:30.600 --> 00:06:33.399
into these marriages, right, and it's not until really like

111
00:06:33.680 --> 00:06:37.279
year after year one. So let's say you got married.

112
00:06:38.240 --> 00:06:40.319
You've been together for several months or a year, you

113
00:06:40.360 --> 00:06:43.560
get married, everything seems good, and all of a sudden,

114
00:06:43.600 --> 00:06:47.079
the wheels start coming off right, you know, the personality

115
00:06:47.160 --> 00:06:52.079
starts changing. There's a little bit of anger or resentment

116
00:06:52.240 --> 00:06:56.519
or tinge that you begin to feel. You know, for

117
00:06:56.639 --> 00:06:58.439
many of you, you say, well, you know, it was

118
00:06:58.480 --> 00:07:01.120
like the like right after the wedding, the sex stop,

119
00:07:01.240 --> 00:07:03.199
like that was all over with like I don't know

120
00:07:03.240 --> 00:07:06.879
what happened, but that was it. You know, all of

121
00:07:06.920 --> 00:07:08.480
a sudden, some of you might say, well, it looks

122
00:07:08.519 --> 00:07:10.839
like doctor Jekyl or mister Hyde. I don't know who's

123
00:07:10.879 --> 00:07:13.600
showing up. It's at one moment everything was good and

124
00:07:13.639 --> 00:07:16.560
now we're not. And it's interesting because see it's twofold.

125
00:07:16.600 --> 00:07:18.839
It's not just that this person was pretending to be

126
00:07:18.920 --> 00:07:22.160
the person you wanted them to be. You played along

127
00:07:22.240 --> 00:07:25.480
with this role play. You know, it's almost like y'all

128
00:07:25.480 --> 00:07:28.519
are at comic con and you know, everything's great. And

129
00:07:28.600 --> 00:07:31.399
some of you also have these long distance relationships too

130
00:07:31.399 --> 00:07:33.879
that made it even harder. You were dating, you were

131
00:07:33.879 --> 00:07:36.759
in different cities. You were seeing each other like every

132
00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:39.959
two or three weeks. You know, you're jet setting around

133
00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:42.920
the country, you're hanging at at really great hotels, you're

134
00:07:42.920 --> 00:07:46.759
eating great food, you're drinking, you're partying. Oh, it's the

135
00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:51.279
best relationship possible. But then it's not. Then it's not.

136
00:07:52.560 --> 00:07:55.639
And I want you to think about that, because when

137
00:07:55.639 --> 00:08:00.600
we get into these relationships, we're creating this in our head.

138
00:08:00.639 --> 00:08:03.639
We're creating the relationship we want. We're kind of taking

139
00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:08.480
that other person and wrapping up up in something else, right,

140
00:08:08.560 --> 00:08:13.160
creating this different reality around them. And then there's parts

141
00:08:13.199 --> 00:08:15.360
of us too. It's not like this one person is

142
00:08:15.399 --> 00:08:17.720
like pretending. There's also parts of us that are probably

143
00:08:17.759 --> 00:08:20.680
on our best behavior, you know, especially if it's a

144
00:08:20.680 --> 00:08:23.360
long distance thing, Like you're not seeing everything, Like you're

145
00:08:23.360 --> 00:08:26.920
not seeing like, you know, the personality in the morning.

146
00:08:27.000 --> 00:08:29.800
You're not seeing the tatted up pj's, you're not seeing

147
00:08:29.839 --> 00:08:33.679
some of the loose sins, the blind spots. It's all

148
00:08:33.759 --> 00:08:36.720
perfection because you're only seeing each other a few days

149
00:08:36.720 --> 00:08:39.759
a month. I mean, it's not really that hard to

150
00:08:39.799 --> 00:08:42.279
be on your best behavior a few days a month, right,

151
00:08:42.720 --> 00:08:45.440
But it's very far cry from those few days a

152
00:08:45.480 --> 00:08:53.000
month to really understanding who this person really is. And

153
00:08:53.080 --> 00:08:55.679
many of you might even be in the same place

154
00:08:55.720 --> 00:08:58.159
as far as you're dating. You're together, you're seeing each

155
00:08:58.159 --> 00:09:00.120
other all the time, you live a few minutes away

156
00:09:00.120 --> 00:09:04.720
from each other. But again, you're still changing and augmenting

157
00:09:04.759 --> 00:09:07.759
that person to fit the thought process in your head

158
00:09:08.240 --> 00:09:10.320
for the best person, like, oh, this person does this

159
00:09:10.399 --> 00:09:11.879
and that and this and that, and I just love

160
00:09:11.919 --> 00:09:14.000
this person. That make me so happy. And that's one

161
00:09:14.039 --> 00:09:16.559
of the biggest interesting caveats too, is this concept of

162
00:09:16.600 --> 00:09:20.639
somebody making you happy. You know, somebody cannot make you happy.

163
00:09:20.679 --> 00:09:23.279
They can offer things in your life. They can be

164
00:09:23.360 --> 00:09:26.919
a helpful person, they can be a harmful person. But

165
00:09:27.240 --> 00:09:31.279
you should be making yourself happy, not referring to someone

166
00:09:31.279 --> 00:09:33.559
else to make you happy, because it's remember just as

167
00:09:33.600 --> 00:09:35.600
much as someone can make you happy, they can make

168
00:09:35.639 --> 00:09:38.480
you sad. Just as much as someone can bring joy

169
00:09:38.519 --> 00:09:42.639
into your life, they can also bring pain. The second

170
00:09:42.679 --> 00:09:46.440
thought that I want to talk about today is many

171
00:09:46.480 --> 00:09:50.679
of you want a family. You want a big family.

172
00:09:50.720 --> 00:09:55.200
You never had it. You want this family. You never

173
00:09:55.200 --> 00:09:58.320
felt like you had the family you wanted. You want

174
00:09:58.360 --> 00:10:01.799
a big family, and it's interesting because you have these

175
00:10:01.840 --> 00:10:04.039
people that you know. You kind of look around and

176
00:10:04.120 --> 00:10:06.720
you're you're meeting folks, and you end up meeting people

177
00:10:06.720 --> 00:10:08.799
and you find someone that has this great, big family

178
00:10:08.840 --> 00:10:10.639
and you're like, oh, wow, they have this family I

179
00:10:10.679 --> 00:10:14.279
never had, and you're not really looking at that person anymore.

180
00:10:14.320 --> 00:10:17.440
You're kind of taking into consideration their size of their family,

181
00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:20.679
how you feel the family is. You've been around them

182
00:10:20.679 --> 00:10:23.720
a few times. They seem amazing. Oh, they have such

183
00:10:23.759 --> 00:10:25.879
a great family. So it's like, who are we dating here?

184
00:10:25.879 --> 00:10:28.240
Are we dating this person? Are we dating their family?

185
00:10:29.120 --> 00:10:33.120
And many of us get confused by that. Seriously, I've

186
00:10:33.159 --> 00:10:35.840
had many clients who said, Oh, I met their family

187
00:10:35.879 --> 00:10:37.440
and I knew this had to be the person that

188
00:10:37.519 --> 00:10:41.200
I got married to. Well, you're not marrying the family. Okay,

189
00:10:41.240 --> 00:10:43.679
I just want to say that for the record. I've

190
00:10:43.679 --> 00:10:47.200
seen too many of these situations go bad. Okay, you're

191
00:10:47.200 --> 00:10:50.360
marrying this one person, it's not the family, and so

192
00:10:50.440 --> 00:10:53.720
you're no longer looking at this person. You start like

193
00:10:53.879 --> 00:10:56.559
judging them by their family dynamic. And it's kind of

194
00:10:56.600 --> 00:10:59.679
funny because now you've gotten into a relationship with this person,

195
00:11:00.080 --> 00:11:02.399
but you're actually more in a relationship with a family

196
00:11:02.440 --> 00:11:05.759
than you are with this particular person. And this could

197
00:11:05.759 --> 00:11:08.759
be really painful because some of these relationships do not

198
00:11:08.960 --> 00:11:12.360
work out. Most of them don't. And so you're trying

199
00:11:12.399 --> 00:11:16.639
to keep this relationship working, which is hostile sometimes at best,

200
00:11:16.679 --> 00:11:19.440
at some point out for the marriage, and you have

201
00:11:19.519 --> 00:11:21.519
some of these family members that you really like and

202
00:11:21.519 --> 00:11:23.639
you really care about. But eventually you know that this

203
00:11:23.759 --> 00:11:25.840
marriage is not going to work, so you're going to

204
00:11:25.919 --> 00:11:29.279
have to get divorced. And you also realize that over time, unfortunately,

205
00:11:29.919 --> 00:11:31.960
when you get divorced from this person, you're also going

206
00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:34.960
to lose this family. So this entire concept of instant

207
00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:40.559
family goes out the window. The thought process of this,

208
00:11:40.720 --> 00:11:43.720
you see what I'm saying. So one big caveat is,

209
00:11:43.759 --> 00:11:44.960
I know many of you don't have.

210
00:11:44.879 --> 00:11:45.639
A big family.

211
00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:48.559
Many of you only had a single mom or single

212
00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:50.080
dad raising you.

213
00:11:50.080 --> 00:11:56.919
You didn't have that really great well family nucleus.

214
00:11:56.960 --> 00:11:59.360
Maybe you didn't have any brothers or sisters, or you

215
00:11:59.399 --> 00:12:01.679
had a brother or sister die or something like that.

216
00:12:02.039 --> 00:12:03.879
And I know that we're always trying to like get

217
00:12:03.879 --> 00:12:08.360
that close knit, you know concept, But it's I found

218
00:12:08.399 --> 00:12:11.440
that friends can do that for us. We can meet friends,

219
00:12:11.480 --> 00:12:14.080
we can connect with other people, We can have a

220
00:12:14.120 --> 00:12:16.559
close knit group of people around us. It doesn't have

221
00:12:16.600 --> 00:12:20.720
to be people who are married into. Another interesting situation too,

222
00:12:20.759 --> 00:12:22.879
that I find with people is you have what I

223
00:12:23.039 --> 00:12:26.679
call the only children, the only child. When you were

224
00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:29.159
an only child, you didn't have brothers and sisters, You

225
00:12:29.200 --> 00:12:32.759
didn't have like this really cool family dynamic. You were

226
00:12:32.799 --> 00:12:35.440
on your own. And many only children didn't have a

227
00:12:35.480 --> 00:12:38.960
lot of help. They didn't have a lot of parental guidance.

228
00:12:40.200 --> 00:12:44.399
Parents were working or traveling. There was no brothers and

229
00:12:44.480 --> 00:12:48.840
sisters to really connect with. So for many only children,

230
00:12:48.919 --> 00:12:56.000
it's a very lonely dynamic. And I understand that, and

231
00:12:56.080 --> 00:12:58.559
so many of you out of fear of having that

232
00:12:58.639 --> 00:13:03.080
loneliness growing up lonely mom and dad were always working,

233
00:13:03.360 --> 00:13:05.600
or dad was not in the picture, or mom was

234
00:13:05.639 --> 00:13:08.679
not in the picture, and you were kind of raising yourself.

235
00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:12.080
For any of us, I know, in my demographic, for sure,

236
00:13:12.240 --> 00:13:14.919
like in my age group, my demographic, even you know

237
00:13:15.039 --> 00:13:17.440
around that within you know, like a like a ten

238
00:13:17.519 --> 00:13:21.039
year you know, span of time, many of us raised ourselves.

239
00:13:21.759 --> 00:13:24.200
We took care of ourselves, we made our own food,

240
00:13:24.279 --> 00:13:27.279
we put ourselves to bed, and some of you never

241
00:13:27.360 --> 00:13:29.879
really got over that. Some of you really could never

242
00:13:29.960 --> 00:13:33.759
get past that and really wanted to have a family dynamic.

243
00:13:34.320 --> 00:13:38.519
And I understand that, I get that, but I find

244
00:13:38.600 --> 00:13:43.639
that when we go out looking for that, we throw

245
00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:47.960
out this big net and we lower the bar to

246
00:13:48.080 --> 00:13:52.000
what we want. We also don't realize that we could

247
00:13:52.039 --> 00:13:56.360
find that in friendships. We also don't get right with

248
00:13:56.519 --> 00:14:00.320
us and really focus on how we can grow and

249
00:14:00.360 --> 00:14:01.200
become more.

250
00:14:01.039 --> 00:14:04.080
Solid in our life.

251
00:14:04.120 --> 00:14:07.000
We throw that big net out and we see what

252
00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:10.840
we catch. And many of you, you know what I'm

253
00:14:10.840 --> 00:14:13.120
talking about. You might be currently in a marriage like

254
00:14:13.159 --> 00:14:16.120
this right now, where you got married to somebody because

255
00:14:16.159 --> 00:14:19.519
he didn't want to be alone. Perhaps they had a

256
00:14:19.600 --> 00:14:24.519
larger family dynamic that you like. But many of you, unfortunately,

257
00:14:24.559 --> 00:14:28.759
you're realizing now you didn't marry the family. You're also

258
00:14:28.879 --> 00:14:31.759
realizing that you know things have changed, but actually they

259
00:14:31.799 --> 00:14:34.919
never did change. Unfortunately, this was our own thought process

260
00:14:35.000 --> 00:14:38.399
of what we were wanting that wasn't actually our true reality.

261
00:14:40.159 --> 00:14:40.600
One of the.

262
00:14:40.559 --> 00:14:42.679
Biggest problems that I find with a lot of my

263
00:14:42.840 --> 00:14:48.559
clients is they end up meeting somebody wanting children, wanting

264
00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:52.360
to have a family, so bad that they have children

265
00:14:52.440 --> 00:14:56.320
very quickly, and you have children with somebody very quickly

266
00:14:56.399 --> 00:14:59.399
that you don't very much know that well at all,

267
00:15:01.559 --> 00:15:03.279
and one of the hardest things you can do. And

268
00:15:03.320 --> 00:15:05.799
I want anybody that's listening to this podcast that doesn't

269
00:15:05.799 --> 00:15:07.559
have children yet and has not been in a marriage

270
00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:10.559
yet or not had children yet, please heed this word.

271
00:15:12.679 --> 00:15:15.360
Be very careful of the person that you have a

272
00:15:15.440 --> 00:15:20.320
child with. Be extremely careful with having a child with somebody.

273
00:15:20.559 --> 00:15:22.960
This is one of the biggest things you will ever do.

274
00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:27.720
This person can be an asset or a pain in

275
00:15:27.759 --> 00:15:33.120
the ass. This person can be helpful or the most

276
00:15:33.159 --> 00:15:38.279
harmful person you've ever entered into your life. And I've

277
00:15:38.320 --> 00:15:41.679
seen it so many times where people have children with

278
00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:45.840
women or men and that woman or that man brings

279
00:15:45.919 --> 00:15:49.720
them hell, some of them even trying to take their

280
00:15:49.799 --> 00:15:53.159
children away from them. I have clients who are still

281
00:15:53.240 --> 00:15:56.960
fighting to get their children back after years and we

282
00:15:57.000 --> 00:16:00.519
work through this, and we eventually get through this. But

283
00:16:00.559 --> 00:16:03.080
the pain and suffering that you go through because of

284
00:16:03.120 --> 00:16:08.440
this other person is unimaginable. And I want you to

285
00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:11.039
think about that, because we don't really think about the

286
00:16:11.080 --> 00:16:13.320
fact that the person that we're having a child with

287
00:16:13.720 --> 00:16:16.679
is so important because that person needs to be somebody

288
00:16:16.679 --> 00:16:20.200
that even if you are not together with anymore, you

289
00:16:20.279 --> 00:16:24.759
can communicate with, you actually somewhat like, you don't hate,

290
00:16:25.840 --> 00:16:28.440
and it's somebody that is not going to ruin your life.

291
00:16:30.120 --> 00:16:33.080
And ultimately, some of these people actually take children away.

292
00:16:33.600 --> 00:16:38.679
I've seen it where they literally lie and coerce the

293
00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:42.799
court system to get these children taken away just for

294
00:16:42.879 --> 00:16:47.240
their narcissistic needs, just for self validation, just to also

295
00:16:47.399 --> 00:16:50.279
prove a point to hurt that other person, where that

296
00:16:50.360 --> 00:16:53.320
other person is stuck in court for years trying to

297
00:16:53.320 --> 00:16:56.120
get access to their child. And I want everybody to

298
00:16:56.159 --> 00:16:58.440
think about this, because this is very important. The person

299
00:16:58.480 --> 00:17:00.840
that you choose to marry is very very very important.

300
00:17:01.320 --> 00:17:03.440
More important than that is the person you choose to

301
00:17:03.480 --> 00:17:06.039
have a child with is beyond important because you're going

302
00:17:06.119 --> 00:17:08.279
to have to deal with that person for at least

303
00:17:08.359 --> 00:17:12.440
eighteen years. And you want to be with somebody that

304
00:17:12.480 --> 00:17:14.079
you don't want to hurt. You want to be with

305
00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:16.480
somebody that doesn't want to hurt you. You want to

306
00:17:16.519 --> 00:17:18.119
be with somebody that you can deal with.

307
00:17:18.400 --> 00:17:18.920
And what I.

308
00:17:19.000 --> 00:17:23.920
Found is when we add fear into this situation, we

309
00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:28.680
overlook the red flags. When we add fear into the situation,

310
00:17:29.119 --> 00:17:31.759
we allow people in our lives that we should not

311
00:17:32.039 --> 00:17:37.039
allow into our lives. When we allow fear into our

312
00:17:37.079 --> 00:17:39.480
life and we focus on I'm never gonna have anybody,

313
00:17:39.519 --> 00:17:41.839
It's never gonna happen for me. I'm gonna die alone.

314
00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:44.359
I'm gonna die on this hill by myself. There's never

315
00:17:44.400 --> 00:17:46.480
gonna be anybody. I'm gonna have nobody take care of me.

316
00:17:46.519 --> 00:17:49.000
I'm gonna die on my own in a hospital with

317
00:17:49.079 --> 00:17:52.559
no help. If we focus on that, we literally bring

318
00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:56.359
the lowest common denominator to us. We usually bring predators,

319
00:17:57.599 --> 00:17:59.839
We bring people that are going to use us, take

320
00:17:59.839 --> 00:18:03.240
advantage of us, and ultimately those people will not be

321
00:18:03.440 --> 00:18:08.200
there for us. So it's a lot of energy given

322
00:18:08.440 --> 00:18:11.400
to somebody that's going to eventually leave, no matter what,

323
00:18:11.640 --> 00:18:16.519
causing us pain and discomfort, only to be alone again.

324
00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:21.079
And so ultimately we have to focus on this concept of.

325
00:18:21.039 --> 00:18:26.839
Where are we fearing the most. I was trying to

326
00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:28.359
sleep the other night. It was very interesting.

327
00:18:28.400 --> 00:18:30.559
I was trying to go to bed, and I don't

328
00:18:30.559 --> 00:18:32.160
know about you, but if you've ever had a night

329
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:35.559
where you try to sleep and you feel so exhausted,

330
00:18:35.559 --> 00:18:37.160
you're getting to bed. You're like, oh, this is gonna

331
00:18:37.160 --> 00:18:39.640
be the greatest night sleep ever. This is amazing, and

332
00:18:39.680 --> 00:18:43.200
it doesn't happen for you. I literally took two melotonin.

333
00:18:43.279 --> 00:18:47.440
It's great, it's great. Okay, hours later, can't sleep, turn around,

334
00:18:47.440 --> 00:18:50.039
made up the couch, try to sleep there. Two hours later.

335
00:18:50.119 --> 00:18:52.640
That didn't work. Okay, so we're worried about two am

336
00:18:52.720 --> 00:18:55.960
in the morning. At this point, tried a couple more melotonin,

337
00:18:55.960 --> 00:18:58.599
and I normally don't do that, but I tried, didn't.

338
00:18:58.640 --> 00:19:01.960
A couple hours go by, and in those next couple

339
00:19:02.000 --> 00:19:07.519
of hours, I started thinking about being alone. I started

340
00:19:07.519 --> 00:19:10.240
thinking about people. You know, I have a friend of

341
00:19:10.240 --> 00:19:13.359
mine that's always worried about being alone, about dying alone,

342
00:19:13.400 --> 00:19:15.440
and I was interested in that concept. I started thinking

343
00:19:15.440 --> 00:19:18.519
about It was probably about three in the morning, and

344
00:19:18.599 --> 00:19:20.720
I started realizing, you know, most of us are going

345
00:19:20.799 --> 00:19:25.319
to die alone unless we die like in a big

346
00:19:26.279 --> 00:19:29.920
you know ship that you know that sinks like the

347
00:19:29.960 --> 00:19:35.440
Titanic or uh, that's a funny, little, funny little story

348
00:19:35.440 --> 00:19:39.640
in and of itself, right, the Titanic. But you know,

349
00:19:39.880 --> 00:19:41.640
whether it's that or you're in a plane crash with

350
00:19:41.680 --> 00:19:43.359
a bunch of people or something like that, you know

351
00:19:43.359 --> 00:19:45.759
what I'm saying, or like an earth disaster, you.

352
00:19:45.680 --> 00:19:48.079
Know, But for most people, they die alone.

353
00:19:48.079 --> 00:19:50.480
They die and they're sleep they die wherever they you know,

354
00:19:50.519 --> 00:19:53.400
it's not something that you know, it's not coreographed, it's

355
00:19:53.440 --> 00:19:56.000
not stunned, it's not timed out for most of us, right,

356
00:19:56.039 --> 00:19:58.720
that's what's the situation. And so I was thinking about that,

357
00:19:58.759 --> 00:20:00.799
and some people go to all ends of the earth

358
00:20:00.880 --> 00:20:03.759
to not be alone, but in the end, even then,

359
00:20:03.799 --> 00:20:04.960
they're going to be alone.

360
00:20:07.359 --> 00:20:08.640
And I have a friend of mine that has so

361
00:20:08.759 --> 00:20:09.759
much fear on that, and.

362
00:20:09.720 --> 00:20:11.480
I asked him, I said, why do you corner the

363
00:20:11.519 --> 00:20:15.039
market on fear of being alone? People are going to

364
00:20:15.079 --> 00:20:18.559
be alone. But there's that acceptance and understanding of being

365
00:20:18.599 --> 00:20:22.880
alone and having to basically get right with yourself and understanding, hey,

366
00:20:22.960 --> 00:20:27.799
it's okay, I might be alone. That's okay, but getting

367
00:20:27.880 --> 00:20:30.759
okay with it, Like, where is the fear of being alone?

368
00:20:32.799 --> 00:20:35.079
How do you overcome that? And I feel like the

369
00:20:35.160 --> 00:20:37.880
only way to overcome that is to walk through it,

370
00:20:40.039 --> 00:20:42.920
to walk through the pain and the fear of being alone,

371
00:20:42.920 --> 00:20:45.119
because I believe that that started at a young age

372
00:20:45.519 --> 00:20:48.000
for many of you. It might have started after a divorce.

373
00:20:48.079 --> 00:20:51.039
So maybe, y'ell, we're in a relationship with someone there

374
00:20:51.079 --> 00:20:52.799
was a tumultuous divorce.

375
00:20:53.519 --> 00:20:54.200
The person was.

376
00:20:54.200 --> 00:20:58.720
Very angry about the divorce and started yelling and screaming

377
00:20:58.759 --> 00:21:01.519
things like, you'll never be with anyone, You're going to

378
00:21:01.559 --> 00:21:04.559
be alone. You're a horrible person. You're going to die alone.

379
00:21:04.960 --> 00:21:07.359
Many of you have heard this from somebody that was

380
00:21:07.519 --> 00:21:09.519
very angry.

381
00:21:09.599 --> 00:21:10.200
Some of you have.

382
00:21:10.240 --> 00:21:12.519
Heard this because you were in relationships with people that

383
00:21:12.599 --> 00:21:17.000
were absolute toxicity. They were complete toxicity. They knew they

384
00:21:17.039 --> 00:21:22.000
were toxicity, complete covert narcissists or malignant narcissists that knows

385
00:21:22.039 --> 00:21:24.680
that you know, if you leave them, they got nothing.

386
00:21:24.920 --> 00:21:26.599
So they got to play the game with you. You know,

387
00:21:26.599 --> 00:21:28.279
they got to put you down. They got to make

388
00:21:28.279 --> 00:21:30.599
it feel bad, They got to make you feel like shit.

389
00:21:30.680 --> 00:21:31.799
They got to let you know.

390
00:21:32.039 --> 00:21:35.480
They got to like, you know, gaslight, manipulate you, put

391
00:21:35.559 --> 00:21:37.880
you down, put you down, cut you down to size.

392
00:21:38.039 --> 00:21:38.240
Right.

393
00:21:38.720 --> 00:21:41.279
Oh yeah, you'll never find anybody. You're this, you're that,

394
00:21:41.400 --> 00:21:43.839
you're fat, you're old, you're this, you're that, whatever it

395
00:21:43.880 --> 00:21:48.440
is that they're saying. And so start realizing where a

396
00:21:48.519 --> 00:21:50.680
lot of these thoughts came from whether it was maybe

397
00:21:50.680 --> 00:21:53.839
a maybe it was a family dynamic, you know, maybe

398
00:21:53.880 --> 00:21:56.480
it was somebody that told you that maybe you're an

399
00:21:56.519 --> 00:21:58.680
only child, and you just never wanted to be that

400
00:21:58.720 --> 00:22:00.720
only child. You always felt like you were alone. So

401
00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:02.720
I need you to kind of get right with that, Like,

402
00:22:03.079 --> 00:22:05.240
how do we begin to get right with our inner child?

403
00:22:05.279 --> 00:22:06.160
That it's okay?

404
00:22:07.039 --> 00:22:09.200
Because I also realized too, that there's a lot of

405
00:22:09.279 --> 00:22:12.480
relationships that many people are in that they would actually

406
00:22:12.559 --> 00:22:17.200
be better off alone. Like the level of toxicity and

407
00:22:17.559 --> 00:22:22.240
lying and pain is so extensive that they should be

408
00:22:22.559 --> 00:22:23.279
the better off.

409
00:22:23.119 --> 00:22:25.079
Being alone because eventually they're going to be alone. Any

410
00:22:25.079 --> 00:22:25.880
way away from.

411
00:22:25.680 --> 00:22:28.079
This person, there's going to be a sigh of relief,

412
00:22:28.079 --> 00:22:30.039
but then there's going to be all this back work

413
00:22:30.240 --> 00:22:33.319
on trying to get better, to do you know, to

414
00:22:33.359 --> 00:22:35.640
do therapy, to do coaching, to get better, to get

415
00:22:35.720 --> 00:22:36.519
right with their life.

416
00:22:36.519 --> 00:22:37.160
You see what I'm saying.

417
00:22:37.160 --> 00:22:40.039
There's going to be all these different levels because of

418
00:22:40.119 --> 00:22:42.440
all the pain and suffering that you had to go through.

419
00:22:43.240 --> 00:22:45.680
You know, when you think about it, it's interesting because

420
00:22:45.680 --> 00:22:50.400
of the fear, we create more pain. And I find

421
00:22:50.440 --> 00:22:53.240
that that's an interesting dynamic. I find that if we

422
00:22:53.279 --> 00:22:54.960
can see the fear, So is it the fear of

423
00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:57.519
being alone? Is it the fear of dinal in? So

424
00:22:57.559 --> 00:22:59.400
if you get right with the fear of dyn alone, hey,

425
00:22:59.440 --> 00:23:01.440
many of us are going to probably die by ourselves

426
00:23:01.440 --> 00:23:02.799
and we have to get right by that. So that

427
00:23:02.839 --> 00:23:04.839
means that we actually have to get to know ourselves

428
00:23:04.920 --> 00:23:08.200
very well, find love within ourselves, take some of this

429
00:23:08.279 --> 00:23:11.240
time that we're focusing on all this external world, and

430
00:23:11.279 --> 00:23:15.240
put some time and effort into ourselves, because that means

431
00:23:15.279 --> 00:23:17.480
that you need to have a really good relationship with you,

432
00:23:18.319 --> 00:23:21.839
probably right the most important relationship there is. Actually one

433
00:23:21.880 --> 00:23:23.680
of the things that I teach in my work is

434
00:23:23.680 --> 00:23:28.039
that every relationship helps us to see ourselves better. And

435
00:23:28.079 --> 00:23:30.680
that's what it's all about. Yes, it's good to meet

436
00:23:30.720 --> 00:23:33.200
other people, and I have connections and relationships, but first

437
00:23:33.240 --> 00:23:35.200
and foremost, your purpose is to figure out why you

438
00:23:35.240 --> 00:23:38.640
were here? Why did I choose to come here again?

439
00:23:39.079 --> 00:23:41.599
Why did I choose to be here again? Why am

440
00:23:41.640 --> 00:23:46.599
I doing this again? Good question, right things to figure

441
00:23:46.640 --> 00:23:51.119
out before you leave. And in order to do that,

442
00:23:51.240 --> 00:23:55.519
you can't be you know, like literally stuck in tumultuous

443
00:23:55.559 --> 00:23:59.720
relationships that are adding to your stress level, bringing you down,

444
00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:03.480
making you feel bad, taking you out of your element,

445
00:24:03.720 --> 00:24:06.119
taking you out of your comfort to understand who you

446
00:24:06.200 --> 00:24:10.279
are dealing with all this manipulation and gaslighting when you

447
00:24:10.319 --> 00:24:13.480
could be actually living a life that, yeah, maybe you

448
00:24:13.559 --> 00:24:16.119
feel a little more lonely, but you have more time

449
00:24:16.160 --> 00:24:18.519
to actually focus on reality. You have more time to

450
00:24:18.559 --> 00:24:22.799
focus on what really matters. You have more time to

451
00:24:22.920 --> 00:24:26.319
express yourself and understand yourself. You know, I mean the

452
00:24:26.359 --> 00:24:28.759
amount of time that it takes to have a child

453
00:24:28.839 --> 00:24:31.839
with somebody and everything's good for a little while, and

454
00:24:31.880 --> 00:24:34.400
then it's not, and then you're dealing with eighteen years

455
00:24:34.440 --> 00:24:37.880
of pain and suffering. Is eighteen years of pain and suffering.

456
00:24:39.240 --> 00:24:41.359
And I've realized that many of us bring our own

457
00:24:41.400 --> 00:24:44.880
pain and suffering to ourselves. We are the person that

458
00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:47.359
literally shows up. We go and we order the pain

459
00:24:47.400 --> 00:24:50.319
and suffering, whether it's in the form of a man

460
00:24:50.519 --> 00:24:53.000
or a woman, whether it's in the form.

461
00:24:52.839 --> 00:24:56.240
Of a baby daddy or baby mommy or whatever it is,

462
00:24:56.279 --> 00:24:58.039
and we order it up. We go there and we

463
00:24:58.079 --> 00:24:58.480
wait for it.

464
00:24:58.519 --> 00:25:00.519
We get our old ticket, we wait our number, and

465
00:25:00.559 --> 00:25:04.000
we get Oh, here's a big serving of pain and suffering.

466
00:25:04.519 --> 00:25:07.279
Here you go. This one's gonna last for a long time.

467
00:25:07.319 --> 00:25:10.000
It's gonna cost you money, It's gonna cause you blood, sweat,

468
00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:12.640
and tears. It's been might even cost you your freaking

469
00:25:12.759 --> 00:25:14.519
the way that people see you. You might have to

470
00:25:14.559 --> 00:25:17.240
go through, you know, a you know, a blood bath.

471
00:25:17.359 --> 00:25:19.039
You might have to go through a lot of dirt

472
00:25:19.079 --> 00:25:21.279
and mud to get out of the situation. Because you

473
00:25:21.319 --> 00:25:24.640
have somebody in your relationship with you that does not care,

474
00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:27.559
that has nothing absolutely.

475
00:25:26.920 --> 00:25:28.319
To lose in their life.

476
00:25:28.720 --> 00:25:31.160
The only thing and the only one that has something

477
00:25:31.200 --> 00:25:33.759
to lose is you, and many of you right now,

478
00:25:33.759 --> 00:25:37.359
because of your fear, has gotten into a relationship with

479
00:25:37.359 --> 00:25:40.400
somebody that has zero to lose and they have zero

480
00:25:40.519 --> 00:25:48.200
to offer you. And in this process, unfortunately, because of

481
00:25:48.279 --> 00:25:50.799
your fear, you continue to try to help this person,

482
00:25:50.960 --> 00:25:54.119
save this person, get this person to see your value,

483
00:25:54.680 --> 00:25:58.200
get this person to see their own value. Step up

484
00:25:58.200 --> 00:26:01.079
to the plate, wake up, be a citizen. All that

485
00:26:01.079 --> 00:26:06.960
great stuff, and it's falling on deaf ears.

486
00:26:07.119 --> 00:26:07.720
And I get it.

487
00:26:07.759 --> 00:26:09.480
I know that some of you try very hard. But

488
00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:16.200
if you tried as hard with yourself as you did

489
00:26:16.240 --> 00:26:24.160
with them, wow, if you tried as much with yourself

490
00:26:25.559 --> 00:26:32.680
as you do with them, your life would be completely

491
00:26:32.680 --> 00:26:40.079
different in a more positive, healthy, overwhelmingly awesome way. And

492
00:26:40.119 --> 00:26:41.839
I want you to think about that. How many of

493
00:26:41.880 --> 00:26:44.920
y'all are dealing with unhealthy people in your life? How

494
00:26:44.960 --> 00:26:47.960
many of you are putting so much time and effort

495
00:26:47.960 --> 00:26:50.640
into them, and how many of you are putting yourself

496
00:26:50.640 --> 00:26:53.279
on the back burner. If you're in your car, if

497
00:26:53.319 --> 00:26:54.799
you're at the gym, I want you to raise your

498
00:26:54.799 --> 00:26:57.880
hand to yourself. How many of you don't have time

499
00:26:57.920 --> 00:26:59.920
to work out because you're too busy taking care of

500
00:27:00.559 --> 00:27:02.559
a toxic relationship that has taken.

501
00:27:02.359 --> 00:27:04.039
Over your life.

502
00:27:04.079 --> 00:27:06.400
How many of you are being pulled into court so

503
00:27:06.559 --> 00:27:10.079
much over a child and you look back and you go,

504
00:27:10.119 --> 00:27:11.680
I wish I would have never had a child with

505
00:27:11.720 --> 00:27:14.720
this person. Don't have another kid with somebody ran And

506
00:27:14.799 --> 00:27:16.319
we need to figure this out, We need to take

507
00:27:16.319 --> 00:27:19.000
our life into our own hands. But how many of

508
00:27:19.039 --> 00:27:23.640
you actually can learn this lesson before going down the path?

509
00:27:23.880 --> 00:27:25.759
And I know many of us have to learn the

510
00:27:25.759 --> 00:27:28.319
hard way, but not all of us do do we?

511
00:27:29.319 --> 00:27:30.960
How many of you can step back and say, you

512
00:27:30.960 --> 00:27:33.160
know what, that's true. I don't need to have a

513
00:27:33.240 --> 00:27:34.960
child with this person. I really need to get to

514
00:27:34.960 --> 00:27:37.640
know this person better and see and honestly understand if

515
00:27:37.640 --> 00:27:41.200
this is somebody I want to entangle myself with for

516
00:27:41.279 --> 00:27:46.799
this period of time. And also children. One caveat too

517
00:27:46.920 --> 00:27:48.519
is I know that some people don't want to be alone,

518
00:27:48.559 --> 00:27:51.440
so they'll have children at all costs. But sometimes children

519
00:27:51.480 --> 00:27:53.759
can be amazing, and sometimes children can be a very

520
00:27:53.839 --> 00:27:58.559
challenging situation. You know, I've known people that have children

521
00:27:58.599 --> 00:28:01.519
and they died, or they kill themselves, or they a

522
00:28:01.559 --> 00:28:04.480
drug overdose, or they hated their parents, they weren't around,

523
00:28:04.519 --> 00:28:06.480
they took off, whatever it is. And then I've seen

524
00:28:06.519 --> 00:28:08.400
some people have the most amazing children and they have

525
00:28:08.480 --> 00:28:10.519
these great relationships.

526
00:28:14.119 --> 00:28:15.880
But you might not be that one. And you know,

527
00:28:15.920 --> 00:28:16.400
you never know.

528
00:28:16.480 --> 00:28:18.160
And so when we're having children, we need to have

529
00:28:18.240 --> 00:28:20.440
children because we want to have a child, not because

530
00:28:20.440 --> 00:28:22.960
of what they're gonna do for us, not because they're

531
00:28:23.000 --> 00:28:25.039
going to make our lives better. I mean, we have

532
00:28:25.119 --> 00:28:27.440
to go into the situation knowing that things could go

533
00:28:27.519 --> 00:28:29.920
either way. It has to be something that we want,

534
00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:32.759
not based out of fear. We don't want to have

535
00:28:32.839 --> 00:28:35.079
children because we were in fear. We don't want to

536
00:28:35.079 --> 00:28:36.640
have children because we're worried that we're not gonna have

537
00:28:36.640 --> 00:28:38.240
anybody take care of us. We don't want to get

538
00:28:38.240 --> 00:28:40.680
married to somebody just because we're word we're gonna die

539
00:28:40.720 --> 00:28:43.480
by ourselves. We want to have people in our life

540
00:28:43.920 --> 00:28:46.400
because they bring joy to our life or they bring

541
00:28:46.440 --> 00:28:50.640
a good, positive thing to our life. And because think

542
00:28:50.640 --> 00:28:53.480
about it, when we have that fear, we open the

543
00:28:53.519 --> 00:28:56.200
floodgates up to whoever comes into our life, and we

544
00:28:57.519 --> 00:29:00.640
just kind of go along with it. I mean, like

545
00:29:00.680 --> 00:29:02.839
if you want to have friends, and you'll have friends,

546
00:29:02.880 --> 00:29:05.359
and you open the floodgates up to all these people.

547
00:29:05.880 --> 00:29:08.039
I mean, that's one thing that's fine, but you know

548
00:29:08.079 --> 00:29:10.079
you're putting a low bar or not that we need

549
00:29:10.119 --> 00:29:13.160
to judge people. I'm not talking about judging people. But

550
00:29:13.279 --> 00:29:16.119
you can understand people that get along with you and

551
00:29:16.160 --> 00:29:18.680
you have the same values, and you can understand where

552
00:29:18.680 --> 00:29:21.960
there are people that do not have your same values

553
00:29:22.400 --> 00:29:27.079
at all. In a story done, but in order to

554
00:29:27.200 --> 00:29:29.240
recognize things, you have to let go of the fear.

555
00:29:29.319 --> 00:29:30.359
You have to be willing to.

556
00:29:30.400 --> 00:29:32.839
Let go of the relationship. You have to be willing

557
00:29:32.920 --> 00:29:37.039
to move on. It's almost like going to that car

558
00:29:37.079 --> 00:29:39.440
dealership and dud and you see the car and they're

559
00:29:39.440 --> 00:29:40.880
like oh yeah, and you're like, well, I'm gonna think

560
00:29:40.880 --> 00:29:42.640
about it. Well, this is the last one we have.

561
00:29:42.960 --> 00:29:44.720
If you don't get this right now, you're gonna miss it.

562
00:29:44.720 --> 00:29:46.240
You have to be you know what. I'm okay if

563
00:29:46.279 --> 00:29:48.880
I miss it. If I miss it, it's not for

564
00:29:48.960 --> 00:29:53.039
me anyway. If that wasn't gonna work for me, it's fine.

565
00:29:54.039 --> 00:29:58.960
Same with relationships, take it or leave it. Watch that

566
00:29:59.119 --> 00:30:02.759
person get to the ow them, not rushing, seeing them

567
00:30:02.839 --> 00:30:06.440
for who they truly are, not who you want them

568
00:30:06.440 --> 00:30:10.960
to be, and understanding that fear only gets us into

569
00:30:11.039 --> 00:30:17.880
relationships and dynamics that only hurt us. They don't bring happiness.

570
00:30:18.640 --> 00:30:23.359
They just delay the inevitable of more loneliness. And so

571
00:30:23.440 --> 00:30:25.920
I want you to think about that. A toxic relationship

572
00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:30.640
delays the loneliness. It delays it because it's going to

573
00:30:30.640 --> 00:30:33.440
happen anyway. So you're going to have to get a

574
00:30:33.519 --> 00:30:36.960
handle on it and begin to work on yourself. I

575
00:30:37.000 --> 00:30:39.039
have a book out, The Ten Day Challenge to Live

576
00:30:39.079 --> 00:30:41.000
Your True Life, and it's been out for years, The

577
00:30:41.039 --> 00:30:43.559
Ten Day Challenge to Live your True Life. You can

578
00:30:43.599 --> 00:30:45.559
find it on Amazon, you can find it on my

579
00:30:45.599 --> 00:30:50.559
website Ashleyburgess dot com, b Eerges dot com. And it's

580
00:30:50.599 --> 00:30:53.960
all about being able to work on that relationship with yourself,

581
00:30:54.039 --> 00:30:56.240
cultivating it and understanding it.

582
00:30:56.880 --> 00:30:58.839
To get what you need to get out of it.

583
00:30:59.720 --> 00:31:03.440
Because once you understand yourself and you realize the depth

584
00:31:04.119 --> 00:31:08.119
that you have, all of a sudden, the other relationships

585
00:31:08.160 --> 00:31:10.880
they're great, but they take a backseat to that relationship

586
00:31:11.519 --> 00:31:14.799
because you are. And it's not about being narcissistic. This

587
00:31:14.880 --> 00:31:17.160
is not at all narcisstic, because people that are narcisstic

588
00:31:17.200 --> 00:31:19.680
have no clue who they are, and they hide behind

589
00:31:19.759 --> 00:31:25.559
masks and they're so far removed from their truth. I'm

590
00:31:25.599 --> 00:31:29.000
expressing the fact of finding value within yourself, not having

591
00:31:29.039 --> 00:31:31.920
to go outside to find value, because once you find

592
00:31:32.000 --> 00:31:35.720
value inside, you don't need it outside. So the characters

593
00:31:35.759 --> 00:31:38.640
that come around that are toxic, they fall by the

594
00:31:38.640 --> 00:31:43.720
wayside because you can see through them. You don't need

595
00:31:43.799 --> 00:31:48.440
them around you. No external validation needed here. And that's

596
00:31:48.480 --> 00:31:51.119
what I help my clients do. If you work with me,

597
00:31:51.359 --> 00:31:53.079
that's what I do. So you can always set up

598
00:31:53.079 --> 00:31:57.720
an appointment online on Ashleyburchas dot com. Go to the

599
00:31:57.720 --> 00:32:01.039
coaching page, click on it. You can scale right there,

600
00:32:01.759 --> 00:32:04.880
and it's amazing because we work through these processes to

601
00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:08.039
overcome this toxicity, to get out of these relationships, to

602
00:32:08.039 --> 00:32:10.799
begin to find ourselves, to work on ourselves, and to

603
00:32:10.839 --> 00:32:14.240
not repeat what we've done in the past. If you

604
00:32:14.279 --> 00:32:16.519
ever and already, please subscribe to my YouTube channel. Go

605
00:32:16.519 --> 00:32:21.119
to YouTube find life Coach Ashley Burgess. You can find

606
00:32:21.200 --> 00:32:23.920
me on YouTube Life Coach Ashley Burgess. We're almost at

607
00:32:23.960 --> 00:32:28.440
two hundred thousand subscribers. Please subscribe and follow share those

608
00:32:28.519 --> 00:32:32.079
videos with anybody you know that needs them, especially yourself

609
00:32:32.160 --> 00:32:33.119
or family or friends.

610
00:32:33.119 --> 00:32:35.000
So I hope this podcast will help you.

611
00:32:35.799 --> 00:32:37.400
If you'd like to, you connect with me by going

612
00:32:37.440 --> 00:32:40.960
to Ashleyburgers dot com, clicking on that contact page reaching out.

613
00:32:41.680 --> 00:32:43.680
Looking forward to hearing from you, and in the meantime,

614
00:32:44.039 --> 00:32:47.680
be aware of your fear, understand the fear, because fear

615
00:32:47.720 --> 00:32:52.240
has a large control. We want to dismantle the fear,

616
00:32:52.799 --> 00:32:55.839
dismantle the control that it has, and find our truth.

617
00:32:56.799 --> 00:32:59.960
Till next time, see you later with the Ashley burdg

618
00:33:00.119 --> 00:33:03.680
this podcast and don't forget to live your true life.

619
00:33:05.799 --> 00:33:11.480
Wom