Nov. 4, 2025

What is Future Faking? Signs You’re Being Deceived in your Relationship. [Ep: 805]

Show Notes
Transcript

Have you ever found yourself waiting for something that never materializes, perhaps a trip, a proposal, or a promise that keeps getting pushed back to someday? In today's podcast, I’m explaining what future faking really is and how it traps you in a cycle of false hope and emotional exhaustion. I’ll share how narcissists and emotionally unavailable people use this tactic to keep you hooked and how to see through the illusion, finally. It’s time to take your power back and stop waiting for others to change.

#narcissistic #narcissism #malignantnarcissist #covertnarcissist #manipulation #deception #gaslighting #futurefaking #redflags #codependent #redflags

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You're in a good place now.

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You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgets. Welcome back

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live to the Ashley Burgess Podcast.

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In today's podcast, I want to discuss what future faking is,

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and to me, future faking is that pin will of

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death that many of us see when we have a

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Mac computer and there's something wrong and the program won't open,

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and the program won't close. It's frozen, and you're waiting

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in time for this thing to open to actually happen

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to take place for you. But will it ever happen?

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We're waiting on baited breath. And future faking is something

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that I find very interesting because I see that in

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a lot of relationships. I see it in friendships. I

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see it in personal relationships, romantic relationship, business partnerships, family,

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dynamic everything. The list goes on, and I define future

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faking as a manipulative tactic where a person makes promises

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about a shared future to keep someone emotionally invested without

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any real interaction, without any real intention, and without really any.

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Follow up through with following through on the concept of

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what they're talking they're gonna do.

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So we see it'll happen a lot of times we

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see it happen often when somebody starts a relationship and

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they start talking about taking a vacation together.

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We're gonna take this vacation. We're gonna do this. And

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it was interesting.

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I had a client recently say, hey, you know, and

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in the six years that I dated someone and they

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were serious, they were you know, he had asked her

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to marry him and what have you. In the six years,

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we never went on a trip. Every single year. There

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was talk about it. Every single year, there was conversation

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about it. But she said, but every time I ended

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up going by myself, or I went with sorority friends,

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or I went with friends, what have you, or family members.

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And I find that interesting because it's like you're holding

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out for this hope.

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You're holding out and I do think that, you know,

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future faking and falls hope go hand in hand. And

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we see that a lot in different relationship dynamics. And

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it's hard to put your finger on it, because you know,

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we want it to be so badly, we want it

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to happen so badly that we overlook some of the

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red flags. I remember years ago, I was wanting to

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do a project, and this project was so cool and

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so massive and so awesome, and somebody came into my

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life that was introduced from a friend of mine and

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it seemed like the perfect situation, and they were wanting

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to get involved, and I got other people involved, and

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you know, based on what this person was saying and claiming,

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they were going to do organize an entire group around it.

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And it wasn't for months and months after all this

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work and legwork and everything else, that well, it didn't

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work out.

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And there was really no intention.

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It was all future faking in an effort to keep

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them involved in a group that they would not be

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involved with otherwise, to keep this like dream going that

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they never ever thought could come to fruition, and they

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never wanted it to come to fruition. And so, you know,

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the vacation to me is one of those short term

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future faking, very small, very short term, but you know,

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it kind of gets bigger from there, right You get

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like maybe the buying of a car for somebody, or

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paying off their student loans for somebody, or putting them

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through school, or maybe somebody says that they're going to

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move to be closer to somebody because there's a long

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distance relationship and so there's this constant conversation about moving

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or changing states or what have you. And so I

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think that's more of maybe a short term midterm. Then

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you have like house buyership, like moving into a house

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or moving into a different place to live, which is

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very interesting and talking about that over and over again.

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I find that a lot of people are future vaking

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around the marriage concept, like, Oh, we're gonna get married.

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It's gonna be so great, we'll get married, you know,

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you take care of this, and I'll take care of this,

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and let's get a few years past us and then

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we'll get married. And you hear a lot of conversation

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about that when somebody's been planning on marrying this one

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person for all this time and then it doesn't happen.

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And I find that interesting because I think that many

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of us are holding on to that future faking. We're

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holding on to that because there's like this hope around

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it no matter what it is. It's like you've kind

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of built up this image in your head about what

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this is. You've built up this image about how you're

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going to embrace this life. And this kind of life

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takes on a life of its own. It's not in reality.

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It's in kind of the ether, and it's just kind

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of taking on a life of its own. And so

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there's this entire image based concept that we fall in

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love with that doesn't have any real, well anything real

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about it. And so it's interesting when I do work

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with clients in the very beginning where they're talking about

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some of this stuff happening, None of it has come

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to pass, none of it.

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Has actually come to pass at all. But yet there

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is still a part of them that's holding on to.

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This future, faking, holding on to this concept, holding on

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to this dream you may say, that hasn't come to fruition,

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and they're holding on through some very tough times. They're

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holding on through some big struggles with another person, hoping

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that they're going to get to do this at some

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point in time, hoping that this is going to come

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to fruition at some time, but yet it still hasn't

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made it through.

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And you know, the marriage.

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Concept is interesting because I feel like they're because comes

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a time in life and I know that many people say, yeah,

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I mean, it's easy to see if that if they

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haven't gotten married by this time, I mean, come on,

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but when you're in the middle of a situation and

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you can't see the forest through the trees because somebody's

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telling you this and painting.

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You this picture.

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It's very hard to be able to step back from,

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you know, this narrative that's created.

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It's movie.

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Basically, it's basically a movie. I think we're so almost desensitized,

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and many of us watch movies all the time. Some

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of us actually kind of don't really know where reality

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ends and films begin. And I think because of that,

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there's a tendency of buying into some of these narratives

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that don't have any support. There might be a piece

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here or piece there, or we derive this from that

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or what have you, but it never really comes to fruition.

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I also think children is another concept of that, you know,

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holding out for the children or saying we're going to

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have children together. Well, and you hear this a lot

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like when somebody is married and there is trauma and

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drama in the relationship, where the wife is constantly trying

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to pull the husband back in by saying, oh, let's

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have kids, and oh I want to have kids with you,

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and all this kind of stuff, and if the man

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is really wanting to have children. He's gonna stay in,

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you know, even though there's all these red flags, right,

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And I find that future faking is the way that

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somebody with a lot of red flags is easy to

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float by, easy to get under the radar, easy to

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be not seen because you have all these red flags.

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It's like communist China. Right, It's like communists China. You know,

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at an opening of a new mall, there's a lot

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of red flags, right, You're like out there like wow,

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I mean it looks like one big red flag to me,

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you know, and so it's kind of like, you know,

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being able to see that and accept that. But the

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problem is there's all these red flags with that person.

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Because if there wasn't red flags, they wouldn't have the

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future fake. Okay, it's about the whole concept of being

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okay in their own skin. Okay, you're not having to

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create this false narrative, you're not having to paint a picture.

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You're not having to sell a new reality to somebody

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get them to deal with your crap, right, or to

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get them to keep dealing with your timeline that doesn't

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seem to add up, but heck, it's still there.

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And so somebody just keeps holding on.

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Okay, And for example, if somebody's dealing with somebody that

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has let's just say, a personality disorder or an alcohol

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addiction or another type of addiction, what have you. And

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every time there's an argument in or fight, the next day, oh,

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I want to have kids with you, or I want

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to do this with you. And so you're painting this future,

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faking concept of something changing, of things getting better. And

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I think that we put so much stock into different things.

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For example, for many people, having children makes them think of, oh,

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you know, going to little league games and doing this

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and taking the care of the kids, and you know,

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and then your mind plays tricks with you. So if

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your wife's an alcoholic but she wants to have kids,

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she'll stop drinking, She'll get better, things will get easier.

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All those things start tying in, and you start buying

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into the narrative, right, you start buying into that narrative

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that you're creating. Not only are they feeding you part

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of the narrative, you're also feeding yourself part of the narrative,

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which is also good in the way of us being

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able to see the truth, being able to move on,

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being able to see the red flags and a constant

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basins in the day to day life. I find that,

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you know, that's a big deal. So whether it's the

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small things like the vacation or the buying things of

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the house, or the cars, or the marriage or the children.

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And then you have the other concepts that are very interesting,

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is like this concept of this general success, like I'm

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going to be this multi millionaire or I'm gonna do this,

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or I'm gonna have this job, or this is going

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to be my title, or I'm going to be a

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CEO or I'm going to be a well known lawyer

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or whatever it looks like. And so somebody's sitting there going, oh, wow,

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my spouse is going to be this very talented successful person,

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and so things are going to come my way and

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maybe I didn't grow up with much or what have you,

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and so things are going to change. And you start

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creating that narrative around the situation too. And I see

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this happen a lot with many people in my clientsell

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You know, they've gone through this future vacant and it's

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taking years and years and years to analyze the situation

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to see it for what it truly is. And this

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is what's really hard to deal with. And I think

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also many of us have been trained growing up in

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our family dynamic with mother and dad. No matter how

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great mom was, no matter how great Dad was, there

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was definitely some future faking. I'm sure there was definitely

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some future faking about, you know, anything from vacations to

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maybe you know, buying a house or changing.

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Schools or whatever. It looks like there was something there.

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You know.

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Also, I think too we're always trying to jump through

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hoops for mom and dad, many of us with codependant backing.

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I know, I'm I'm I'm in rehab for codependency. You know,

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I'm constantly working on that, and so I'm in recovery,

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you might say, But you know, in that process, you're

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always trying to make good. You're always trying to make

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them happy. And I think a lot of times in

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that situation, when you're walking on eggshells or you're trying

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to get this, or you're trying to do that, you

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have a tendency of following that pattern in relationships. And

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also many of you out there, and like myself, at

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one point, you take people for face value, you take

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them for what they say. You don't look past it,

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and so one of the biggest things about under standing

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in future faking is having discernment. Discernment is one of

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those major concepts. It's not about being woke. We're not

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being woke. Woke to me is the literally the sleep

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folks here in our society today are all woke. Okay,

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I mean, come on. But Discernment is being able to

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see through things. Discernment is being able to be aware.

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Discernment is able to say, Okay, hey, I might have

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this desire or this narrative of what I want things

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to look like, but I can actually see through that

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narrative and analyze the situation. I can see through that narrative,

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and I can see where I'm playing a role on

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deceiving myself. I can see through this narrative, and I

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can see where they're playing a role deceiving me. And

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I think as long as we are open to the

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fact of hey, I can see things, I'm not just

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considering this picture that's being painted and I'm so far

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up in this picture of this film, this movie, whatever,

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I've created, this this alternative narrative that I can actually

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see straight in my life, and I think it's very

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interesting I think we do it to ourselves sometimes too,

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like the future faking of when I have this much money,

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I'll be happy when I have this house. I'm going

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to finally feel comfortable when I have this job or

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this title. I'll finally decide to settle down, because then

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I can settle down and I'll have this time for

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someone else because I have this title or I have

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this job or I have this thing. And again that's

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future faking to yourself, and many of us do that

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as well. We future fake with ourselves. We do this,

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and I want you to catch those things. The times

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when you say you'll be happy, win, you'll be content, win,

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you'll be safe, Win, you can add this into your life.

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Win.

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These are all big red flags, personal red flags. And

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this is all self sabotaged because oh, it's not like

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you're gonna be like, oh wow, I hit that milestone.

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Now I can relax. You know, everything that I've seen

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pretty much ninety nine point nine percent of the time

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is okay. They make this much money. Now, that's not

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enough money. I gotta make this much money. Now, that's

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not enough money. I gotta make this much money, or

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this title is not good enough for this level is

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not good enough for the salary's not good enough for

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this career is not good enough. So it's all always

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constant stepping stone. And it's also self sabotaged because we'resing

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ourselves saying, oh, we keep moving, we keep moving, you know,

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the goalposts, keep moving the goalposts. And so you may

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be future faking yourself. You may be future faking someone else.

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You may be in a situation where someone is future

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faking you. You could be doing all three right. And

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so that's something that I really want us to look at.

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So I want you to analyze your situation, analyze your relationships.

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Where am I right now with the future faking? Am

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I doing it to myself? And I have been known

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to do that too, and I've had to really work

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on that. Is once I get here, i'll feel better

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about that, or once I hit this many subscribers on YouTube,

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oh that'll be good, you know what I mean. And

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that doesn't ever work because once you hit a certain amount,

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now you want to hit more because you're trying to

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get the message out there. But at some point in time,

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you have to be accepting of the message you're giving.

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You have to be happy about what you're putting out there.

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You have to feel contentment and peace of mind with

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what you're doing, and you have to feel success within yourself.

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It doesn't matter what everybody else thinks about you. You

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have to actually find that success, that connection, that depth

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within yourself to define yourself. And that's what's so interesting.

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I want you to also look outside of yourself when

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you're in relationships, whether it's a parent dynamic, or a

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partner in work or a romantic partner or what have you.

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I need you to start analyzing those relationships. Are there

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things that I'm holding on too and waiting for? What

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are those things? How am I waiting? What am I

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waiting for? What do I think I'm gonna get? What

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is my narrative that I'm looking at? What is the

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current situation now? What is the narrative that I'm buying into.

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What is the current situation now? And what is the

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narrative that I'm buying into? And I want you to

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look at that personally and with other people, because that

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will be a tailtale sign. Because I do think that

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many of us are holding ourselves back or we're believing

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something and we're overlooking lots of red flags in an

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effort to get that thing, that scenario, that movie, that

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clip that we want our life to look at. And

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if you go a step further and look at the

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narrative that you've created or the narrative that's been created

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for you and the one that you're buying into, why

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is that appealing so much to you?

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What is the connection with that appeal? And that's going

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to really.

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Help you get dig deep into what you feel is

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missing from your life. What is the things that you

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feel are missing from your life? And why is this

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going to fulfill it for you?

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Why?

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These are the things I want you to think about. Okay,

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if this happens in my life, why do I feel

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so fulfilled? If this happens in my life? Why am

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I overlooking all this stuff that's going over here just

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because if I can get that, that's going to change

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my life? And these are the things that I want

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us to analyze in our life. And this podcast is

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actually going to be short because I don't think you

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need a long podcast. You don't need a lot of

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conversation about this. This is really a direct thought about

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your life. I need you to really dig deep and

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find this because all this stuff. If we want certain things,

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we got to get it. If we want it, we

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got to But we don't want to be waiting on

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something that's not going to be happening. We don't want

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to wait on that pin wheel of death. We want

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to reset that computer. And that's what we're doing right now.

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We're resetting the hard drive. We're resetting our computer, we're

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turning it back on. We're working through this and we're saying, Okay,

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what in my life do I want to keep? What

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do I want to change? What am I living by

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a false narrative about why am I living for that?

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And what can I do within myself to change that?

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And that's one of the biggest things that I realized

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is that usually when we're buying into future faking, we're

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feeling that we don't have personal power of our own.

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That's the first problem. We do have personal power. We

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are able to take control, We are able to take

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control of our life. We are able to do that.

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We are in charge of our own destiny. So we

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need to understand why am I in fear or why

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do I feel like somebody outside of myself can provide

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me peace or can provide the lifestyle that I want, Okay,

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because that's also going to put us in a bad

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situation because we're giving all that power to that out

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of the individual. There has to be a two way

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street here. We don't want to give a bunch of

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power or to somebody else, And especially if they're future

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faking you into staying with them, doing nasty, horrible things

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to you in the process, being neglectful and mean or

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mentally unstable all in the process, and keep telling you

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about this narrative like what's gonna happen down the road.

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They keep kicking the can down the road, thinking as

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long as I can get them looking at that narrative,

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that this is still a possibility. You know, they're gonna

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overlook this, this, this, and that, you know. And I

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had a client reason it was like, yeah, I kept

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believing the future faking, and I'm spending all this money

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and she, you know, is this or that or this

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or that I was paying off for bills or I

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was taking care of this, but this was never coming

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to fruition. But also when you step back, you realize

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that person was never doing any work to get to

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that level. They were never doing any of the you know,

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the work or the anything that needs to get to

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that place. So it's like we're talking about this concept,

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but we're not working to get there. And so that's

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also a cute to say, Hmm, maybe this is future faking,

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and I need you to see it for what it is,

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because I have been in a position where I wanted

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something so.

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Badly that I overlooked all the red flags.

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And I also need you to realize too when you're

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doing it to yourself, because if we are able to

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follow a narrative of somebody else, we have to create

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that in our own mind too. It can't just be

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that person, because otherwise we'd be ruled by that person.

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You know, they'd be like you know, and so that

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can't happen. So there has to be some part that

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we're playing in it. And I've usually found that if

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we're giving our power outside of ourselves, we're in fear

388
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of something, We're in fear of not getting something. We

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feel like this person can help us and we can't

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help ourselves. We're taking ourselves out of the loop of power,

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and we got to really step back in and say,

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why am I doing this? Where are my fears coming from?

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And how can I balance this and for yourself, like

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stop kicking the can down the road for happiness or

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being at peace. It's like you either at piece or not.

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