What is Adjacent Stress and Are You Experiencing It? [Ep.771]

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You're in a good place now.
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burge's

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Welcome Back Life to liter your True
Life Perspectives, and I'm your host,

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Ashley Purchase. On today's show,
I'm talking about adjacent stress. Adjacent you

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know, the stress that's adjacent from
you. It's owned by someone else,

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and you kind of take it on
based on the relationship you have with that

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other person. Some people could call
it parallel stress or perpendicular stress. Either

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way, it's adjacent stress. It's
not actually just your stress. It's someone

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else's stress and you're taking it on. It's the stress of others. It's

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other people's stress, and because of
your relationship with them and who you are

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to them and who they are to
you, this stress has an impact on

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your life, A direct impact on
your life that you can't change. Is

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direct fact. That is what it
is. Whether it's your daughter going through

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a painful, toxic relationship and watching
that and having to deal with that on

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a constant basis, whether your son
is about to get married to someone that

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he does not need to be getting
married to, and you know it and

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everybody else knows it, but it
doesn't seem like anything you do or say

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is working. So you're having to
stand back and watch that, and everybody

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else is praying that eventually he'll come
to his senses and wake up and see

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the light. Maybe a good friend
of yours is in a very toxic marriage

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and they've confided in you, and
you know about the fights and the arguments

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and the pain and the suffering,
and you know what's going on behind closed

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doors, and you're doing your best
to help that person, to be there

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for that person anything that you can
possibly do, and it matters to you.

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But it hurts to watch them in
pain. It hurts to watch them

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hurt. It hurts to continue to
watch this and to be preppy to this

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situation that is only causing heartbreak and
pain in their life. And it's hard.

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You know, maybe you have your
best friend and her mother is is

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you know, you're watching her mother, you know, deal with Alzheimer's,

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and you're watching your friend deal with
the fact that her mother doesn't remember her

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or her father or whoever you know. And so these things are a problem.

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And I'm not trying to bring the
room down. Let's bring it up,

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bring up the room. But no, it's about adjacent stress and how

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it impacts our life and so.
On today's podcast here with Me on Live

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Your True Life Perspectives, we're going
to talk about how we deal with this,

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How do we deal with this adjacent
stress? You know, some people

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they don't deal with it at all. They don't really think about it.

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They have friends and family and coworkers
and everything else. But you know what,

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their stress really doesn't matter to them. They don't really care, doesn't

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really affect them. Some people,
it affects them in a very small,

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small amount. Some people are only
affected when it directly relates to their pocketbook,

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their finances, the things they have
interesting, right, Some people would

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call that narcissistic behavior. Some people
don't feel at all, They don't have

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feelings. There's very few, but
there are people out there that don't care.

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Your pain and suffering doesn't matter to
them. Your happiness doesn't matter to

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them. But most of us are
somewhere kind of in the middle, and

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some of us are more empathic than
others, are more caring. Some of

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us are more codependent than others,
and more codependent. Some of us are

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more codependent and empathic. Some of
us are you know, we're just we're

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very highly sensitive people. Some of
us feel, we feel, we feel

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for others, we feel deeply,
we feel deeply for others. And you

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have some people that aren't impacted by
other people's stress, the adjacent stress.

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And you have some people that can't
sleep at night because of the adjacent stress.

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It keeps them up at night.
They're sad for them, They're overwhelmed

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that this person is dealing with this
and it is overwhelming to them to watch

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this pain and suffering. And So, if you found yourself here in this

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camp of dealing with somebody's stress,
dealing with adjacent stress, this is a

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podcast for you. I hope you
are driving in the car with the wind

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in your hair, or you're at
the gym getting a good workout, or

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you're just sitting in your room,
or you're sitting in your house or sitting

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on your patty or whatever, and
you're just listening and you're like, Okay,

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here we go. Let's talk about
some adjacent stress. Ashley. Let's

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go down this road. Because I've
been dealing with it a lot lately,

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and I understand and I've been dealing
with it too. I mean the last

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few years of my life, I
feel like I've dealt with so much adjacent

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stress. I mean, it directly
affects me to some degree. And at

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the same time, it's like I
feel really bad, you know, through

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all this process because it's really challenging
and it's hard to listen to some of

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this stuff. It's hard to process
it. And you want to be there

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for that person so bad, and
you want to give the right advice and

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you want to be helpful and you
want to do everything right, and that's

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so super important, and you really
really feel for them. And that's the

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important thing is that you do feel
for them. You do care about them.

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You do care about their feelings and
their once and their desi and what

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they need in life to feel better
and what they need in life to be

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happy, and what they need in
life you know, just in general as

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a human being, what is it
that they need and that and that is

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important too, because when you actually
care, you know, when you actually

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care, you care about somebody else, You care about what they're doing,

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You're caring about them as a person, You're caring about them as you know,

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you know just who they are.
You know. It's just like it's

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it's a good thing and you can
be happy about being that person that cares,

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and you can feel good about being
that person that cares, but also

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we have to keep it together.
We got to keep it together because we

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can also take on a lot of
stress, and it's hard when we're taking

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on all this adjacent stress, right
to also deal with our stress. And

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that's where the rubber meets the road. That's where the pain is suffering begins.

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That's when it gets overwhelming when you're
over there taking care of their stress.

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Yes, And one of the things
that I found that is really challenging,

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and I know that many of you
will resonate with this, is that

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when you're dealing with adjacent stress,
there's there's you know, there's ebbs and

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flows, right, So with any
stress, right, we kind of we

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kind of have, you know,
with any stress, you know, we

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have our ebbs and flows, and
you know, you got the ebbs and

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flows. And when you're dealing with
with adjacent stress, there's times where things

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are really really bad and you're there
and you're there, and then there's times

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where the person has you know,
they have some ups and that's great and

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you feel happy about it, but
you know that that's awesome, and that's

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great, but there's some times when
it's really bad for that person. But

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it's also bad for you because you're
not only dealing with this, but you're

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dealing with your You're dealing with your
stuff too, and that can be hard

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because sometimes you can feel as though
it's one sided. Sometimes you can feel

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as though that you know, you're
just helping that other person and they're not

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helping you. Sometimes, you know, we can kind of start losing side

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of things, right, I get
it, we can start losing side of

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things. It's like, wait a
second, I've been there for this person.

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I've done all this stuff for this
person. You know, where where

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is it? Where? You know? Where are we? Where am I?

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That sort of thing, and those
are things to really think about.

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Those are things to really analyze,
and those are things that we got to

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think about, you know. But
you know, we have to think about

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how much we want to own.
And in thinking about that, so like

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let's let's take for example, you
know, how much of that do we

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own? And so I think that
it's different levels, right, So if

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it's a spouse or a lover,
how much of the stress do you own

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that they're dealing with you know,
I think a child probably more right,

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more than the spouse and the lover. But but you know, there's still

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high up there. You know,
what about a parent depends on probably age

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and what have you, but again
still high up there. You know,

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a best friend, someone you consider
your best friend pretty high up there,

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right, And then you have different
layers, you know below that, So

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you have different layers of friendship and
family and maybe you know and maybe you

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know, like you know ex's and
stuff like that. So you kind of

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have that list right that goes on
the back end over there. But really

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it's like, you know, there's
levels of this, right, So if

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your level is you know, somebody
that you're in love with, or someone

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you're married to, perhaps your child, you know that those are very important

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things. Is really tough because you
know, it really affects you and how

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much do we allow it to affect
us? But better yet, it's going

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to affect us? But then how
much of a role do we play?

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And these are the questions that we
have to ask ourselves. These are the

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major questions that I think many of
us have, and I think it's a

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question we have, but we don't
think about it. It's not like we

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go into and be like we how
much do I want to own of this?

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And how much do I want to
deal with this? And how much

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of this is mine and how much
of it is theirs? And how much

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can I process and YadA YadA yadda, And I don't know. I think

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that you have to sit there and
kind of analyze that and think about it

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and see, you know, how
much you're taking on versus how much are

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they needed to take on? How
much is their role versus how much is

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your role? And you know,
and also kind of stepping back and analyzing

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some other things too, because some
of us we'll probably try to take over

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everything. We'll try to take her
over, the stress, we'll try to

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own it, we'll try to be
there, we'll try to do all that.

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And that's just that's not good because
that's not right for anybody. You

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know, that's the that's their life. They have to take care of it.

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It's not your life to live.
And that can be hard to understand

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sometimes, you know, it can
be hard to understand, Oh, well,

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it's not my life to live.
Yes, it can be hard to

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understand sometimes because you do want to
help them. You want to help them,

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you want to be there for them. And then the process of being

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there for them, there's gonna be
some time that are going to be challenging.

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It's going to be you know,
maybe stressful. But we got to

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do our part. But what is
our part? You know, I'm saying,

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like, what does our part look
like? You know, who owns

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what? Stress? And so one
of the first things is we have to

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let people do what they're gonna do. We can. We can give them

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the knowledge, we can help them, we can give them direction, we

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can give them a direction, we
can care about them, we can be

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there for them, we can do
all that stuff. But there's a level

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that we can't do it. There's
a level that we have to kind of

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stand by correct because I think that
there's also a level where it's like,

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you know, hey, we've gone
too far. You know, we've gone

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too far, We've overstepped. I
think one of the biggest challenges when you

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know somebody confides in you about what
somebody's done to them. You know,

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whether it's a spouse, a significant
other, whoever, somebody's done something to

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them, and it's very painful,
especially when you're very close to that person

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to hear that. I mean,
it's good that they're being transparent and that's

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a very respectable thing. But you
get you know, you kind of take

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it on, you kind of get
angry, You kind of get angry personally

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angry about it, because if you
really care about that person, you're gonna

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get angry as somebody's kind of like, you know, beating them up or

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you know, being a jack ass
to them or being mean to them,

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or it's upsetting. And so how
far do you go with that too,

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because again, this is not your
cross to bear. Might feel like it,

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but some of us do need to
get off that cross for other people

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sometimes because sometimes what we're doing is
we're not allowing that person to live their

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life. We're not allowing that person
to do what they need to do.

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We've got to make sure that we
are not interfering. We can give the

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information, we can give the knowledge, we can be there when they need

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help, when they need a listener, when they need somebody there, when

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they need advice. We as long
as we're giving the right advice and doing

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we need to do great great,
great grade. But we don't want to

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overstep because honestly, everybody's got to
learn certain stuff in their life. It's

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just the way it is. Yes, and it sucks sometimes to watch because

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but you know what, we all
have to do it. All of us

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are learning things in our life,
and all of us are at different stages

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of learning to that. And all
of us probably see other people and go,

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God, if I could just tell
them this or do that, or

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do this or do that, they
would be okay, to be fine.

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Yes, for sure, we all
see that, and we all think that,

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and yes, and we all have
that thought process. Sure we do,

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Sure we do. But we got
to step back a bit, you

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know, pump the brakes, eat, beat, back it up, back

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it up. We got to do
that in order for that person to live

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their life. Because if everybody came
in and I try to live our life

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for us, how would that be. We wouldn't have a lot of you

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know, our own thoughts or our
own emotions. We would be kind of

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going through the process allowing other people
to tell us what to do, you

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know, allowing other people to tell
us how they feel, that sort of

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thing. And we that's not what
we want to do. And we also

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don't want to take over someone's life. We do not want to enable anybody

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in negative way or positive way.
We just don't want to enable it.

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All. Enablement is not a good
thing. Enabling somebody is not a good

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thing. It does not help anybody. All it does is it doesn't help

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them to do what they need to
do. Instead of them doing what they

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need to do, they defer to
you. You end up doing this stuff

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for them. They don't learn,
they don't grow, they don't do this,

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they don't do that. Next thing. You know, guess what,

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you have a problem on your hands
because now you've created this person that doesn't

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have to do anything, and then
you get all angry. Well, I

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don't know why they can't just deal
with their own stuff. Why can't they

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just handle their own stuff. Why
can't they just you know, fight their

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own battles? Well, because you've
been fighting their battles for them. So

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we've got to learn a limitation on
battle fighting for other people. So stay

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tuned. Were we talking about that? What to know how to deal with

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it? How to deal with the
sedacent stress from other people, this parallel,

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this perpendicular stress, How to deal
with it, how to process,

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and how to do the right thing. So stay tuned, live your true

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life Perspectives with me, your host, Ashley Burgers, will be back in

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you know, I'll be back this
time. I'll be back this time in

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two shakes. Turn it up and
jump in the deep end on Perspectives.

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00:14:11.120 --> 00:14:16.360
Now here's Ashley. Welcome back live
to look at your life perspectives and I'm

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your host Ashley Burgess. On today's
show, I'm talking about and addressing adjacent

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stress, the stress that other people
have in their life and how it directly

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relates to us depending on who they
are in our life. You know,

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whether you want to call it adjacent, parallel, or perpendicular stress, it's

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the stress that affects the other people
in your life that matter, and how

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it just to kind of depends on
where they are on the totem pole of

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your life. Right. So,
if it's a if it's a spouse or

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significant other lover, big time,
it's going to affect you. If it's

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your child, big time is going
to affect you. If it's your parent

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or your best friend, these are
going to affect you to a very great

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deal. And it's hard because some
of us are highly sensitive people. Some

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of us are impact, some of
us are codependent, some of us are

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just loving individuals that want to help
everybody. But the thing is is that

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we have to figure out what it
is that we're doing, and we have

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to make sure that we're doing the
right thing for everybody concerned, because we

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can't live their life for them,
We can't save them, we can't do

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that, we can't fight their battles
for them. We have to actually be

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there for them as much as we
can in the capacity do what we can

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do and move forward, and in
being the voice of reason sometimes or giving

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that good advice that's being asked for. Right. They're asking for advice,

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not because you're just cramming it down
their throat. They're actually asking advice from

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you, right, giving them the
right advice, Being helpful, being there

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for them, you know, being
a confident confidante to them, being you

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know that person of them will be
so so super powerful. It can really

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bring a relationship closer together. It
really can. If it's properly done,

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it can bring a relationship together.
It can make people really connect. It

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can be very powerful. It can
also be very challenging. It can create

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more sensitivity, it can create problems, It can create all kinds of stuff

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that we end up having to deal
with and so you know, it's really

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important to really focus on this,
and we need to really look at how

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much we're helping and what we're doing
because one of the fine one of the

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things that I find is that sometimes
we can get over our heads with this

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stuff. And every single type of
stress has its ebbs and flows. Every

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issue in our life has ebbs and
flows, ups and downs. Good in

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bads, Right, So let's get
a good example of Let's say, let's

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talk about maybe you have a best
friend that's in the middle of a really

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toxic relationship, right, Okay,
example and I'm sure many of you can

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relate to this example. So your
friend is in a toxic relationship and there's

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good in bad. It's like,
you know, in the beginning of the

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relationship, it was good and then
eventually over time it got worse. And

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then maybe this started happening or that
happening, or there was fights or arguments,

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are yelling and screaming, or maybe
the police came out or this or

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that, or maybe there was like
you know, some pushing around or whatever

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going on, some verbal comments or
verbal assaults. I don't know how bad

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it gets, but let's just put
it that way, and your friend starts

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confiding in you right and all the
things that are going on, and it's

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hard to step back and you know, and not judge it, and it's

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hard to deal with that. But
the interesting part I think that gets to

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most people is you start kind of
owning it. Which it's okay to own

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some of this, but not really. But then like when the ups come

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around and your friend is actually okay
in this relationship in the moment it might

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be a day or two or even
maybe three days, maybe seventy two hours,

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you know, you're just like,
wait, what's going on here?

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I thought we were I thought we
were fighting this. I thought we were

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we were trying to figure out solution, you know. And I think sometimes

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we lose sight that this is someone
else's battle. This is someone else's thing

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that they got to do. It's
someone else's battle that they have to take

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on. And that's something that we
really need to analyze and get right with

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because otherwise we might get upset.
Otherwise we may feel like we are taking

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on other people's battles, which we
are. We may feel like that is

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taking our time and space, is
taking up our space in our head,

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our space, and our hearts,
and we have our own stresses. And

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that's something I really want you to
think about, you know, because we

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do have our own stress, and
you do have your own stress, and

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you may be taking on a lot
of adjacent stress right now, a lot

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of people in your life with all
this stress. But we got to start,

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you know, prioritizing and thinking and
seeing where can I be helpful and

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beneficial here or where am I spinning
my wheels over here? Okay? And

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that's something to really think about.
And you can be there for somebody.

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You can help them, you can
give them right advice, you can do

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that. But in the end,
you need to make sure that you're taking

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care of your responsibilities and you also
need to make sure that you are not,

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you know, getting in the way
of them actually taking care of their

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own stuff, because in the end, it's their own life and your own

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life. So stay tuned, live
your true life Perspectives with your host media

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Ashley Burgas will be back in I'll
be back this time, you know it.

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I'll be back this time in two
shakes. This is Jake Busey,

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and you're listening to Perspectives with Ashley
Burg's welcome back Live to Live Your True

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Life Perspectives, and I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On today's show,

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I'm addressing adjacent stress, that stress
that we have with our friends and family.

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They're having this situation they're dealing with. The situation is very painful,

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very stressful, and we listen and
we give advice, and we're there and

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we do whatever we can to help. But there's a limit that we can

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do. There's a limit no matter
what level that we are in with them,

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whether it's a spouse, a lover, a girlfriend, a boyfriend,

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a child, a parent, a
family member, a best friend, there

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is going to be a level of
what we can do and what we can't

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do. It's just the way it
works. And we have to be very

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careful not to step over that.
And if we do step over that,

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we need to be careful to basically
reach treat back, okay, because that's

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where it gets really kind of murky. That's when things start getting a little

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hazy as to whose stress is this
and what are we doing? Okay,

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who you know? Whose stress is
this? You know? What are we

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doing? You know? Which is
a big thing, and and that's a

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big question and because what happens here
sometimes too, is that we all don't

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like dealing with our stress. Most
of us don't like dealing with problems in

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life. Give me a break,
how many people love dealing with problems in

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your life? I'm sure, raise
your hand, don't, don't take your

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don't take your hand off the wheelwatch
you can't if you have a tussel.

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But it's still it's still the bitches
at you for doing that. I can't

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stand that. The BBBBB. It's
like, oh, come on, but

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okay, I mean it's good to
have safety precautions. But okay, so

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you raised your hand, so you
know how much are we taking on?

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Because sometimes the thing is is that
we take on because that other person's so

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stressed out, just like we get
with some of our stuff and we just

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start rolling it out. Okay,
well, I'm gonna get this, this,

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this, and that. I'll do
this, I'll take care of that,

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I'll do this, I'll do that. That's great. But wait,

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wait, wait, wait, the
other person's the one that's supposed to be

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doing this, not us. And
what happens if you start doing things that

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they don't want you to do?
What happens when you start doing things before

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they're willing to do things. I
mean, you know, you know emotionally,

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like you need to get out of
this relationship, or you need to

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move on with this, or you
need to do that. I mean,

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what happens when you're ahead of the
game and they're not ready to do that?

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What are you doing? You're already
setting them up for failure, you

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know what I'm saying. I mean, it would be the same thing as

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like they're talking about remodeling their house
and one day they go to the gym

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and they go out for a long
day of doing things, and when they

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come back, you've gutted half their
house and you're like, let's go,

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it's time. Let's go on and
start the construction project now. And they're

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like, oh my god, what
the hell have you done? I mean,

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some people are just not ready for
this. And then some people talk

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a lot, they talk about all
their pain and suffering, but they're not

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00:22:00.200 --> 00:22:03.599
willing to do anything. They don't
want to do anything. They're not ready

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to do anything. They're gonna suffer. They want to stew in it more.

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They want to they want to stew
in their own marinade. They want

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to get up with that pain.
They want to get in that bathtub of

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pain, and they want to get
in it. They want to get some

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you know, they want to get
some music onto it. They want to

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chill in it for a while.
They want to roll around in their pain

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for a long period of time.
And you know what I'm talking about.

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We've all done it before where we
just roll around in it, or at

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00:22:30.359 --> 00:22:33.960
least we've seen other people roll around
in it. When you're like, are

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you ever going to get to the
point where you were done with this pain?

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00:22:37.720 --> 00:22:41.000
This is crazy? What are you
doing? Okay? But it's like,

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00:22:41.240 --> 00:22:45.000
you can't just do it. You
can't just sign the papers for them.

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You can't just move them out of
the you know, of the apartment

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complex. It's not working for them. And they can complain about their neighbor

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all they want, but until they're
willing to do something, you can't do

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anything. You can help them when
they're willing to start moving, to call

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a moving company for him. You
can help them box some stuff up,

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00:23:02.960 --> 00:23:04.599
but you can't set it all up. You can't do it. They have

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to do it themselves. There's a
degree and a level of stress that we

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can do with and stuff we can
take on and stuff we can't. So

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ask yourself, if you're in the
middle of adjacent stress, are you taking

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on some of the roles of the
main character? I know, right,

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the main character when it comes to
this stress. And I'm not talking about

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player or anything like that, you
know, character player, I'm sorry,

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the main character, that the person, the sole person here, the person

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with soul? Are you taking over
their role in their life? And sometimes

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we don't see it because you know, it's hard. It's like, you

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know, when you're in stress and
you're overwhelmed about stress and you're dealing with

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stress and you don't want to deal
with it, and you go, oh

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my god, the last thing I
want to do is deal with this crap

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in my life. I don't want
to deal with this crap. Yeah,

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I mean, how many people want
to deal with crap in their life?

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Nobody nobody's and signs up and goes, this is great. I love crap.

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00:24:03.319 --> 00:24:07.680
I love crap. This is awesome. I can't wait. It's gonna

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00:24:07.720 --> 00:24:11.279
be so much fun. I love
conflict, I love confrontation. This is

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gonna be great. I love it, and my god, it's so fun.

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I know, right, how many
people say that, not many,

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00:24:18.440 --> 00:24:22.079
not many. I can't. I
can't come up with a lot. And

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the people that do like that confrontation
and love that stuff. There's a whole

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other level of stuff going on there. There's a lot of anger issues,

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a lot of pain, a lot
of anger, a lot of mad.

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They just want to get mad,
just to get mad. They just want

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to kick something around, you know, they want to you know, put

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a hole in the wall or kick
the wall, or you know, or

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break someone's phone or break their own
phone. You know what I'm saying.

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I mean, it's just that anger. It's not gonna get you anywhere.

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It's that horrible self imploding anger that
you know. It's like, ah,

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calm down, calm down. So
what part is yours on this adjacent You

396
00:24:55.160 --> 00:24:56.960
gotta think about that. So even
if it's your child, what part is

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00:24:56.960 --> 00:25:00.960
it? So let's say your child
is you know, in this toxic relationship

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and you see it a mile away
and it's really bad to watch, like,

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00:25:03.839 --> 00:25:07.519
oh god. I mean there's not
like physical abuse and we're not talking

400
00:25:07.519 --> 00:25:10.839
about that, but I mean there's
some real toxicity. How far do you

401
00:25:10.880 --> 00:25:12.079
get involved? I mean, and
this is your child, but you got

402
00:25:12.119 --> 00:25:15.559
to think about it. This is
your child, yes, but how far

403
00:25:15.680 --> 00:25:23.039
do you get involved? You know, it's interesting. You know I know

404
00:25:23.119 --> 00:25:29.039
some some some very close friends that
that are older, significantly older than me,

405
00:25:29.480 --> 00:25:33.640
but you know their parents. And
because the reason why I brought that

406
00:25:33.720 --> 00:25:34.839
up is, you know, back
in the day, I think parents and

407
00:25:36.039 --> 00:25:37.920
maybe not back in the day,
maybe it was just certain people were just

408
00:25:37.920 --> 00:25:41.720
just said too much. But you
know, back in the day, it

409
00:25:41.759 --> 00:25:44.839
seemed like it was okay to be
more vocal about you know, you shouldn't

410
00:25:44.839 --> 00:25:48.160
marry that person, or over my
dead body, you're gonna marry them.

411
00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:52.319
And I know so many people that
married that over their dead body person.

412
00:25:52.359 --> 00:25:55.640
You know, their parents would be
like, over my dead body and that

413
00:25:55.720 --> 00:25:57.599
it didn't work man, But they
married them anyway. They marry them out

414
00:25:57.640 --> 00:26:02.119
of spite, you know, they
married it out spite. It's like,

415
00:26:02.240 --> 00:26:03.079
but how far do you go?
I mean, because the last thing you

416
00:26:03.160 --> 00:26:08.200
want to do is be given advice
or putting out ultimatums. You know,

417
00:26:08.240 --> 00:26:11.839
when an effort to change things,
I mean, an ultimatum is never going

418
00:26:11.880 --> 00:26:14.839
to be your best friend. Nobody
likes an ultimatum. I mean, yeah,

419
00:26:14.839 --> 00:26:15.559
I mean, you can give an
ultimatum, but you got to stand

420
00:26:15.599 --> 00:26:18.799
by it. And how many people
really stand by an ultimatum? I mean

421
00:26:18.799 --> 00:26:21.000
not many parents would be like,
I'm never gonna talk to you again if

422
00:26:21.000 --> 00:26:22.680
you marry that person. Ever.
Ever, ever, how many people are

423
00:26:22.720 --> 00:26:26.000
gonna do that? You're not,
but you're gonna make like life a living

424
00:26:26.039 --> 00:26:29.200
hell in the meto. But they
have to figure it out, you know,

425
00:26:29.200 --> 00:26:30.920
maybe they have to go through that. Maybe they have to marry the

426
00:26:32.359 --> 00:26:37.519
Oily bohunk remember that from sixteen Candles. Maybe they have to marry Oily bohonk

427
00:26:37.759 --> 00:26:40.640
and be a part of that family
dynamic. You know, maybe they have

428
00:26:40.720 --> 00:26:42.799
to do that. Maybe they have
to marry that dude or that chick that

429
00:26:44.240 --> 00:26:47.640
just such a mess and we all
have to sit back and watch it,

430
00:26:47.839 --> 00:26:48.440
you know what I mean, Like, you know, like she might be

431
00:26:48.480 --> 00:26:52.000
stocking him and it's like two months
before the marriage and you're like, oh

432
00:26:52.000 --> 00:26:55.160
my god, what's going on here? This is crazy. But we have

433
00:26:55.240 --> 00:26:57.000
to stand by it. I mean, we can bring it up and be

434
00:26:57.039 --> 00:27:00.519
like, hey, this is not
really healthy, not really, this isn't

435
00:27:00.559 --> 00:27:03.000
really healthy. You know. I
just want to point out the fact that

436
00:27:03.039 --> 00:27:06.240
this isn't healthy behavior that's all I
want to point out, I'm not saying

437
00:27:06.240 --> 00:27:08.240
that you can't marry this person.
I'm not saying that your life will be

438
00:27:08.240 --> 00:27:14.480
a living hell, just saying that
this is just not healthy. And that's

439
00:27:14.519 --> 00:27:17.599
the hardest thing, too, is
to step back sometimes and not be like,

440
00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:22.119
oh my god, you know,
shake them until they finally get it.

441
00:27:23.200 --> 00:27:25.640
You know, it's almost we have
to like, you know, you

442
00:27:25.680 --> 00:27:26.440
get it at home. You got
to go work out. Maybe you got

443
00:27:26.440 --> 00:27:30.160
to go to the gym, run
a couple hours. That's my deal is

444
00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:33.640
you go to the gym and run
for an hour or two. Yeah,

445
00:27:33.680 --> 00:27:36.720
you won't want to shake anybody anymore. You've had enough. You're good,

446
00:27:36.720 --> 00:27:40.720
You're stress free as much as possible. Some of you might go to the

447
00:27:40.720 --> 00:27:44.000
bar, not agree not to screen
just the way it is, you know,

448
00:27:44.240 --> 00:27:47.039
some of you whatever. But we
got to do something. We got

449
00:27:47.160 --> 00:27:48.559
to and the best thing we can
do is refocus on our own life,

450
00:27:48.559 --> 00:27:52.759
which is hard. Which is hard
because we got our issues too. We

451
00:27:52.799 --> 00:27:53.880
got issues we don't want to deal
with either. We got issues we don't

452
00:27:53.880 --> 00:27:56.279
want to do it. We've got
issues that we're not really jumping, you

453
00:27:56.359 --> 00:28:00.119
know, chomping to the bit to
oh I can't wait to deal with this

454
00:28:00.200 --> 00:28:06.039
issue. Oh this is gonna be
good. I'm getting to some childhood trauma

455
00:28:06.079 --> 00:28:08.720
on this issue. Yeah, yeah, exactly, and we don't do that.

456
00:28:11.079 --> 00:28:14.680
Okay, So how much do you
help? And I mean, how

457
00:28:14.759 --> 00:28:17.559
much do you really help? How
much is helping is helping? And how

458
00:28:17.599 --> 00:28:22.440
much is how much of help is
just meddling? You know, that's a

459
00:28:22.440 --> 00:28:25.960
big question to you. How much
of help is helping? You know?

460
00:28:26.000 --> 00:28:29.799
How much are we helping? And
then how much are we meddling? Oh

461
00:28:29.799 --> 00:28:33.759
that's a good not that's a good
word. And that's an interesting concept too,

462
00:28:33.799 --> 00:28:37.400
because I think the whole concept is
we have to realize one people are

463
00:28:37.400 --> 00:28:41.079
gonna go at their own rate.
Two people are gonna stop at some point

464
00:28:41.079 --> 00:28:45.279
and not have action because they're scared. Three there's gonna be ebbs and flows.

465
00:28:45.279 --> 00:28:47.359
And in those ebbs and flows,
you're gonna be like, oh,

466
00:28:47.480 --> 00:28:52.880
and I thought we were totally against
John or I thought Mary was a jackass,

467
00:28:52.920 --> 00:28:53.960
Like what's going on here? I
thought we'd agree to this, you

468
00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:56.480
know, And oh no, Mary's
the best in the world. She's the

469
00:28:56.519 --> 00:29:02.559
best. She is just it.
She is an angel from God. You're

470
00:29:02.599 --> 00:29:04.720
gonna be like, oh, my
God, but it happens, and it

471
00:29:04.759 --> 00:29:07.960
happens, and we have to be
able to step back and say, Okay,

472
00:29:07.079 --> 00:29:11.880
no matter what happens here, I'm
still here for you. You know,

473
00:29:11.920 --> 00:29:15.559
I might have some points of wisdom
I'd like to talk about, but

474
00:29:15.640 --> 00:29:21.440
I'm still here for you. And
that's that's interesting. And how much should

475
00:29:21.519 --> 00:29:23.920
you be there? How much is
too much? And is there too much

476
00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:27.400
or is there too I think you
can always like I think there can always

477
00:29:27.440 --> 00:29:30.960
be too much and there can always
be too little. I think you got

478
00:29:30.960 --> 00:29:33.759
to kind of know the middle ground. I think you kind of got to

479
00:29:33.759 --> 00:29:37.119
know the middle ground and figure out
what that middle ground looks like and what's

480
00:29:37.200 --> 00:29:41.359
good for you, what's good for
you, what's helpful for you, what

481
00:29:41.519 --> 00:29:45.480
is the right thing for you?
And that, to me, is very

482
00:29:45.480 --> 00:29:49.480
important, and that's something that we
got to think about too, because we

483
00:29:49.519 --> 00:29:53.319
have to analyze not only what is
the right thing for me, but what

484
00:29:53.440 --> 00:29:56.160
about all my other stuff that I
got going on? What about all my

485
00:29:56.200 --> 00:30:00.200
other responsibilities, my kids. Like
in my situation, I got buddy,

486
00:30:00.960 --> 00:30:03.559
Buddy, my puppy, I mean, I got him, I got family,

487
00:30:03.599 --> 00:30:07.359
I'm married, I got all kinds
of stuff going on. I got

488
00:30:07.359 --> 00:30:11.559
best friends. I got best friends
in the world that are really really important

489
00:30:11.559 --> 00:30:15.559
to me, and they got stuff
going on. I got all this stuff

490
00:30:15.599 --> 00:30:18.000
going on. I got construction going
on. I got a job, I

491
00:30:18.000 --> 00:30:21.240
got a career, I got a
show. I got all this stuff going

492
00:30:21.240 --> 00:30:22.920
on, just like you do.
And I got to like try to figure

493
00:30:22.920 --> 00:30:26.920
out, Okay, I got all
this stuff. And sometimes I catch myself

494
00:30:26.920 --> 00:30:30.079
putting my responsibilities on the back burner
and putting their responsibilities on the front burner.

495
00:30:30.119 --> 00:30:33.480
I'm like, well, okay,
that's okay sometimes but not always.

496
00:30:33.519 --> 00:30:36.960
And then sometimes it's a lot easier
to see other people's problems in your own.

497
00:30:37.400 --> 00:30:37.759
I mean, it's just the way
it is, you know. It's

498
00:30:37.799 --> 00:30:41.920
like to see other people's problems.
It's a lot easier to see other people's

499
00:30:41.960 --> 00:30:44.880
problems. It's a lot easier to
understand that. It's a lot other easier

500
00:30:44.920 --> 00:30:48.000
to try to solve other people's problems
in ourselves, right, because guess what,

501
00:30:48.200 --> 00:30:51.759
it's easier because we can see better
because it's not right with us.

502
00:30:51.759 --> 00:30:55.200
It's not stuck in our camp.
We're not back to back with this issue.

503
00:30:56.599 --> 00:30:59.880
And that's good. I mean,
it's good to be able to analyze

504
00:30:59.880 --> 00:31:03.160
that, but we have to realize
one adjacent stress boom, what is it?

505
00:31:03.799 --> 00:31:07.160
Two? How much adjacent stress are
we taking on? Three? How

506
00:31:07.200 --> 00:31:11.359
many different pieces of adjacent stress from
different people are we dealing with on a

507
00:31:11.440 --> 00:31:15.440
daily basis? Four? And also
let's think about this too, for all

508
00:31:15.480 --> 00:31:22.000
you coaches and therapists out there,
how much are you taking on of your

509
00:31:22.079 --> 00:31:26.519
client stress? They're adjacent stress?
Think about that? How much are you

510
00:31:26.599 --> 00:31:30.680
taking on? Because this could be
very interesting because you know, I might

511
00:31:30.680 --> 00:31:36.920
need to do a podcast just about
coaching and therapy and stress. And I

512
00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:41.160
know we have our ways of dealing
with it and our exercises and are this

513
00:31:41.240 --> 00:31:42.839
and that. I get it.
But sometimes you can have all those of

514
00:31:42.880 --> 00:31:47.000
your tool belt and you still don't
use it, or it still takes over,

515
00:31:47.119 --> 00:31:49.079
or that adjacent stress still becomes a
part of your life and it's okay

516
00:31:49.079 --> 00:31:52.720
because you care. The reason is
because a lot of times you care.

517
00:31:52.759 --> 00:31:55.799
You care about your clients, you
care about their well being, you care

518
00:31:55.839 --> 00:31:59.279
about what happens to them, right, you care about their life? Is

519
00:31:59.319 --> 00:32:01.640
because you care. It's just because
you care, that's all that matters.

520
00:32:02.680 --> 00:32:06.279
And maybe you don't have a lot
of boundaries. I don't know, but

521
00:32:06.519 --> 00:32:08.400
a lot of it's care, and
so we got to think about that.

522
00:32:08.440 --> 00:32:13.039
How much should I be there?
How often should I be there? Like?

523
00:32:13.119 --> 00:32:15.200
How often do I need to be
around to help out you know,

524
00:32:15.240 --> 00:32:20.839
what's what's the deal there? And
then at what level do I need to

525
00:32:20.880 --> 00:32:22.880
help out it? And what does
that mean? You know, at what

526
00:32:22.960 --> 00:32:27.400
level do I need to help out
it? And what and what what?

527
00:32:27.400 --> 00:32:31.799
What kind of what should I be
facilitating? Should it be advice? Should

528
00:32:31.839 --> 00:32:36.799
it be space? Should I just
be holding space? Should I have an

529
00:32:36.880 --> 00:32:42.799
ear to listen? Should I be
listener? Should I be note taker?

530
00:32:43.920 --> 00:32:47.519
Should I be comic relief? I
mean, but this is up to you

531
00:32:47.720 --> 00:32:51.920
and we have to really think about
what makes sense. But also, you

532
00:32:51.960 --> 00:32:54.960
know, we also have to remember
that we are humans too, and many

533
00:32:54.960 --> 00:32:59.799
of us are very empathic. We're
highly sensitive people. Many of us might

534
00:32:59.799 --> 00:33:02.799
have code of penditendencies too, and
not all codependency is bad, but a

535
00:33:02.799 --> 00:33:06.160
lot of that's a learned response too. And some of it is that we

536
00:33:06.200 --> 00:33:08.079
really super care about people, and
that's true, and some of it is,

537
00:33:08.160 --> 00:33:12.960
you know, we try to help
people or do things for people when

538
00:33:13.000 --> 00:33:15.000
we feel like they you know,
that they need that, and that's fine,

539
00:33:15.039 --> 00:33:19.400
but we need to be doing that
honestly because of something we want to

540
00:33:19.440 --> 00:33:22.039
do, because of what we want
to do, not because we think we

541
00:33:22.119 --> 00:33:24.599
have to, not because we think
we need to, but because we want

542
00:33:24.680 --> 00:33:30.440
to. And so helping others is
a good thing. Helping others is a

543
00:33:30.440 --> 00:33:35.400
good thing. Being there for others, offering advice when they will, giving

544
00:33:35.440 --> 00:33:38.599
advice when they ask for it.
I really watch out because of you know,

545
00:33:38.720 --> 00:33:42.960
because of my profession. I don't
just give advice, okay, I

546
00:33:43.119 --> 00:33:47.759
I I wait till I'm asked for
it, and then I will give advice

547
00:33:49.359 --> 00:33:52.640
if I feel like it's at the
right time and I feel like it's ready.

548
00:33:52.759 --> 00:33:57.519
Because there's some advice that some people
just don't want to hear, and

549
00:33:57.599 --> 00:33:59.960
if they're not ready to hear it, they're not ready to hear it.

550
00:34:00.440 --> 00:34:01.960
If they're not ready to act on
it, they're not ready to act on

551
00:34:02.000 --> 00:34:06.319
it. You can always be like, hey, by the way, just

552
00:34:06.559 --> 00:34:14.119
FYI, this is what I'm seeing. You could go that way and you

553
00:34:14.239 --> 00:34:15.920
know that maybe they're not ready to
make that change or that jump, and

554
00:34:15.960 --> 00:34:22.639
that's okay. But be okay with
that, and be okay with having a

555
00:34:22.639 --> 00:34:24.559
listening ear and there's sometimes where you've
heard it for fifteen years in a row,

556
00:34:24.559 --> 00:34:27.280
where you've heard it for two years
or three years in a row,

557
00:34:27.320 --> 00:34:30.480
and it gets a little overwhelming,
and that gets challenging too. And sometimes

558
00:34:30.480 --> 00:34:32.239
at that point you got to step
back and let that person finally make their

559
00:34:32.239 --> 00:34:37.519
decision because there's something that's making them
stay that they're not telling you, or

560
00:34:37.559 --> 00:34:42.840
something that they're wrestling with that they
need to deal with. Maybe on their

561
00:34:42.880 --> 00:34:44.920
own, you can be there,
but you might need to take a little

562
00:34:44.960 --> 00:34:47.440
step back. Stay tuned more coming
up, we'll be talking more about this

563
00:34:47.519 --> 00:34:52.639
adjacent stress. Live Your True Life
Perspectives with me, your host, Ashley

564
00:34:52.639 --> 00:34:54.840
Burgess, will be back in I'll
be back this time. You know it.

565
00:34:54.960 --> 00:35:10.719
I'll be back this time in two
shakes. Get in here. You're

566
00:35:10.800 --> 00:35:16.639
listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.
Welcome back Live to Live at Your Life

567
00:35:16.639 --> 00:35:21.280
Perspectives and I'm your host, Ashley
Burgess. On today's show, I've been

568
00:35:21.280 --> 00:35:24.079
addressing the concept of adjacent stress,
the stress that other people have in their

569
00:35:24.119 --> 00:35:28.360
life and they directly affect your life. You know, your best friend,

570
00:35:28.760 --> 00:35:34.960
your lover, your spouse, your
parents, your child, all these people

571
00:35:35.719 --> 00:35:38.800
have stress. We all have stress, but the adjacent stress is an interesting

572
00:35:38.840 --> 00:35:45.199
thing because it affects us to the
difference is is that somebody else has to

573
00:35:45.199 --> 00:35:53.320
take action. You can be the
consultant, you can be the listening person,

574
00:35:53.480 --> 00:36:00.800
you can be the sounding board,
you can be whatever. But you

575
00:36:00.880 --> 00:36:02.960
are not the person to make the
decision. You are not that person.

576
00:36:04.039 --> 00:36:08.280
You cannot make that decision because you
cannot make that decision and you can't do

577
00:36:08.400 --> 00:36:13.440
the actions for them. This is
adjacent stress, and we all have to

578
00:36:13.519 --> 00:36:16.400
kind of recognize and realize that because
some of us are inundated and overwhelmed with

579
00:36:16.840 --> 00:36:21.760
adjacent stress. And it's okay to
care about people. It's good to help

580
00:36:21.800 --> 00:36:23.719
other people. It's good to be
there for them. It's good to offer

581
00:36:24.119 --> 00:36:29.800
a listening ear. It's good when
somebody asks you for advice to give them

582
00:36:29.880 --> 00:36:32.960
good quality, solid advice. It's
good to listen to them. It's good

583
00:36:34.079 --> 00:36:37.800
to be there for them. That
is not a bad thing at all.

584
00:36:38.639 --> 00:36:45.000
However, the negative side aspect,
the negative aspect is when this stuff starts

585
00:36:45.039 --> 00:36:52.320
affecting your health. When this is
actually physically affecting you and your health not

586
00:36:52.440 --> 00:36:58.639
good because there's only so much you
can do. There's only so much they

587
00:36:58.679 --> 00:37:00.480
can do. And on top of
that, if your health is affected,

588
00:37:00.519 --> 00:37:05.760
you can't take care of your other
responsibilities and your other stress, and you're

589
00:37:05.840 --> 00:37:10.880
also not going to be clearheaded enough
to help them with their stuff. The

590
00:37:10.960 --> 00:37:15.559
other aspect too, that I feel
that many of you kind of fall into

591
00:37:15.599 --> 00:37:22.480
the trap of is you feel like
you are actually doing more to solve their

592
00:37:22.599 --> 00:37:30.079
problem than they are. And that's
a painful place to be because when we're

593
00:37:30.119 --> 00:37:34.280
there, it feels very real because
it's like this person doesn't even give a

594
00:37:34.280 --> 00:37:36.400
crap about their life. I mean, what is going on here? What

595
00:37:36.440 --> 00:37:39.679
are you doing? Where are you
at? But we all realize there's all

596
00:37:39.719 --> 00:37:45.239
that one thing about how honestly we
all have stress, and we all have

597
00:37:45.320 --> 00:37:47.880
stress, and we all have things
in our life they're stressful, and just

598
00:37:47.920 --> 00:37:51.000
like everybody else, you don't want
to jump in on that be like,

599
00:37:51.079 --> 00:37:54.760
oh it's so great, I love
it so much. You don't want to

600
00:37:54.800 --> 00:37:58.039
do some of this stuff to some
of the stuff we have to tackle,

601
00:37:58.079 --> 00:38:02.559
we don't want to do. And
so realizing that you might feel like you're

602
00:38:02.559 --> 00:38:09.280
doing more for sure, but again
it falls on them to do. And

603
00:38:09.320 --> 00:38:12.920
it's like when I deal with clients
and people say what should I do?

604
00:38:13.199 --> 00:38:15.159
Should I get divorced, or should
I do this, or should I jump

605
00:38:15.159 --> 00:38:19.920
in this relationship? I'm like,
uhh, that's not the kind of advice

606
00:38:19.960 --> 00:38:22.960
I give. Now, we'll look
at it from all angles, and we'll

607
00:38:22.960 --> 00:38:28.679
look at it, honestly, from
all different sides and angles, and that

608
00:38:28.800 --> 00:38:32.880
is great and we're gonna learn a
lot. However, I'm not going to

609
00:38:32.920 --> 00:38:38.119
tell you what to do because it
could be right, it could be wrong.

610
00:38:38.159 --> 00:38:40.079
It could be what you want,
it could be not what you want.

611
00:38:40.159 --> 00:38:44.239
But in the end, you have
to make that decision because you have

612
00:38:44.360 --> 00:38:49.159
the right to make that decision.
And so that's the biggest thing is that

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00:38:50.039 --> 00:38:52.519
when a decision needs to be made
or action needs to be taken, that's

614
00:38:52.559 --> 00:38:55.440
when we have to kind of step
back from this adjacent stress and say,

615
00:38:55.480 --> 00:39:00.559
Okay, when the time is right, that person's going to make their decision

616
00:39:00.719 --> 00:39:04.760
and going to act appropriately with that. And once they act appropriately with with

617
00:39:04.880 --> 00:39:07.920
that, then we can move on
to the next thing. But right now,

618
00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:12.280
it's up to that person to make
their choices, and that's all we

619
00:39:12.320 --> 00:39:15.079
can do, and that's all anyone
can do. And it's hard to allow

620
00:39:15.119 --> 00:39:19.960
that it's hard to get right with
that. It's hard to accept that reality

621
00:39:20.199 --> 00:39:24.760
really really is because we want everybody
to be happy and we want people to

622
00:39:24.880 --> 00:39:29.800
you know, have joy and happiness
in their life, and it's hard when

623
00:39:29.800 --> 00:39:32.800
you see someone not doing that,
When you hear someone really upset and angry

624
00:39:32.800 --> 00:39:37.400
and sad and stress out and not
happy, it's really sad. It's really

625
00:39:37.440 --> 00:39:40.440
overwhelming. It's very stressful, and
so that's the last thing we want to

626
00:39:40.480 --> 00:39:44.159
deal with. It's the last thing
we want to take on. But we're

627
00:39:44.199 --> 00:39:46.920
there, we're there, we want
we're here, We're we're there. But

628
00:39:47.239 --> 00:39:52.880
ultimately that adjacent stress is adjacent,
it's not your direct stress. So we

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00:39:52.920 --> 00:39:57.360
need to put it in perspective.
I hope that this has really helped to

630
00:39:57.360 --> 00:40:00.519
you. I hope this podcast has
brought some thoughts, says to you,

631
00:40:00.639 --> 00:40:04.039
some enlightenment to you, maybe some
little maybe it's a little light bulb that

632
00:40:04.079 --> 00:40:07.440
went off that's amazing. And in
the meantime, check out the YouTube channel.

633
00:40:07.440 --> 00:40:12.039
Go to YouTube and put in my
name Ashley Burgess b E r G

634
00:40:12.199 --> 00:40:15.440
ees all ease no us b E
r G E s you put in life

635
00:40:15.440 --> 00:40:22.400
Coach Ashley Burgess as well We're also
on TikTok Relationship Rescue. We're on everywhere

636
00:40:22.400 --> 00:40:25.840
on social media, so check it
out. Follow along, you know,

637
00:40:25.880 --> 00:40:30.519
go on Facebook, go to Ashley
Burgess and you can also watch a lot

638
00:40:30.519 --> 00:40:34.000
of videos on Facebook as well and
comment there as well as on YouTube.

639
00:40:34.360 --> 00:40:37.199
I want to hear from you.
Many shows coming up. We've got a

640
00:40:37.239 --> 00:40:40.960
new show coming up next week as
well, and live your true life perspectives

641
00:40:42.000 --> 00:40:45.480
with me, your host, Ashley
Burgess will be back in I'll be back

642
00:40:45.519 --> 00:40:50.519
this time, you know it.
I'll be back this time in three shakes,