Aug. 12, 2026

Understanding the Narcissistic Spectrum: The Role of Self-Awareness [Ep. 819]

Understanding the Narcissistic Spectrum: The Role of Self-Awareness [Ep. 819]
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Self-awareness and a lack there of is your big determination to honestly understand if someone has significant signs and symptoms of narcissism or not. When dealing with these people, you will find yourself on a very uneven playing ground. The rules do not apply to them! They make up the rules for the relationship and you must follow them. If not, there will be a problem. However, they are immune to the rules - the rules do not apply to them - You learn this over a period of time- in the beginning you’re usually getting attention and having more favorable experiences and then that begins to change.And their attention begins to wane and they begin giving less and less. You will begin to see significant change within them, and wonder why they are changing, sometimes turning very much inward wondering what you have done, and trying harder every day to get back to the beginning of the relationship.If you believe you have a narcissist in your life, you will want to listen to the full podcast and understand the spectrum that is narcissism, Just because someone has two signs and symptoms doesn't mean they are a narcissist. However, some have no empathy, no care about what they do to you, and are constantly using you for what you can do for them. Listen to this podcast and get the clarity you can use to understand these relationships clearly.

#narcissism #narcissistic #narcissist #manipulation #gaslighting #selfawareness #relationships #spectrum #NPD #borderline #gaslight #gaslit #controlling #malignantnarcissist #covertnarcissist

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WEBVTT

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You're in a good place now you are listening to

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perspectives with Ashley Burgers. Welcome back to the Ashley Burgess Podcast.

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I've learned one major thing, and that is that you

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cannot have narcissism and self awareness together. Self awareness and

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the lack thereof is a good determination to honestly understand

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if someone has significant signs and symptoms of narcissism. When

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dealing with these narcissistic people, you find yourself on a

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very uneven playing ground. Remember, the rules do not apply

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to them, and unfortunately, they actually make up the rules

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around the relationship. So we fall prey into these situations

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and you end up following them and you become the problem.

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And they don't adhere to the rules. It's interesting, many

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of them are just immune to their own rules and

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the rules do not apply. And over a period of

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time after we call the honeymoon phase or the fame

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achory phase, many people have gotten honest with themselves and

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realize that the beginning of the relationship with a narcissist

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is complete fakery. They're very good at it. They're very

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good at just claiming one thing and acting like somebody

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and then changing it all up a few weeks or

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even a few months down the road, and you're left

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holding the bag, going, oh my god, what just happened here?

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I thought I had met my soulmate, the love of

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my life. I thought this was like the one and only,

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like this is what they talk about in movies, you know,

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the one, you know, the the end, all be all,

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the twin flame. But it's not true. And you learn

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this over a period of time. And in the beginning,

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you were usually getting a lot of attention, you were

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having many favorable experiences, and then well, their metamorphois begins,

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their attention begins to wane, and they begin giving less

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and less to the relationship, to the point that it's obvious.

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But the problem is, any of us were well, we

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were kind of in doctrine in this at a young age.

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We were raised around narcissistic parents, and so we don't

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think that this is very odd. We actually think this

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is kind of normal place. Now when I say normal,

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I didn't stay healthy. We see this as a normal place,

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and we try to figure out what did we do wrong?

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What should I do next? How do I get them

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to pay attention to me again? How do I get

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that attention like I had before, and so we fall

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into this rabbit hole of Okay, what if I do this,

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what if I do that? What if I take them there?

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What if we go to this concert? What if we

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do this? What if we do that? And none of

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it's really working. You're still not getting to the same space.

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And I want you to think about it in the beginning.

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Let's say that somebody was a baker and they baked

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you cakes every week, sometimes twice a week. They were

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in the kitchen baking you cakes and sending you video

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of it. Look how great my cake is. Look at

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the cookies I made you. Look at the cupcakes? Would

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they pretty? Maybe that someone used to tidy up and

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clean up your house all the time, Well that stopped instantaneously,

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and now you walk into your house after work and

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it is a disaster zone. Maybe you had someone that

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was very passionate about sex, and sex was amazing and

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all the time there's this amazing sex. You would come

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home and there's this amazing sex, and it was amazing.

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And now all of a sudden, they no longer want you.

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There is no time for sex. They don't want any sex.

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They don't want any sex. From you, and so you

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begin to wonder, what did I do wrong and how

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do I get this person back? Maybe they're going through challenges,

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maybe there's issues. Maybe I'm not that good of a person.

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Maybe I need to be better at being me. Maybe

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I need to be a better person all around. And

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that's where we fall into the rabbit hole, and that's

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where we lose sight of reality. Some would say in

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a narcissistic relationship that the honeymoon is over. Others would

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say that the illusion has come to an end. Either way,

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the relationship will never go back to the way it was.

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No matter how much you give, no matter how many

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passes you give them for their behavior, the narcissist is

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done with the game and is now showing you they're

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full on entitlement. Remember that, and that's interesting. Entitlement and

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narcissism go hand in hand. They expect you to continue

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to give to them, and they will keep taking from

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your life. They don't care that you're getting frustrated. They

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actually feed off your frustration. That's important to know. You

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might get frustrated and angry with them, you get overwhelmed,

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you get upset, but that frustration actually gives them fuel.

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I know that many of you have heard of narcissistic supply.

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What is narcissistic supply, Well, narcissistic supply is the narcissist

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pulling the energy from you, getting your energy. There's many

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words for it, but getting your energy, sapping your energy,

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taking your essence to give them fuel. And that could

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come in many forms. Crying, sadness, anxiety, depression, feeling overwhelmed.

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All those things are fuel for the narcissist. And I

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want you to really think about that, because they will

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take fuel in any type of fuel. They don't need

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positive interaction, They don't necessarily need negative interaction. They just

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need your attention directed to them, on them, and if

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you are frustrated or anxious or overwhelmed because of them,

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that actually gives them more fuel. Narcissistic supply, that's what

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that is. And so that is suck you dry. And

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so literally you start waking up in the morning exhausted.

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You go through the day exhausted. Every time you have

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an interaction with them, it's exhausting. You begin to have

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these arguments with them because they can't see your side.

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And it's not that they can't see your side, they

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don't want to see your side. It's either their way

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or the highway, and they're gonna make that quite clear

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to you over a period of time. It's very interesting,

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and so you got to think about it that way.

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When you get mad at the narcissist and their behavior,

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remember you're fueling them. They don't see the difference between

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good and bad attention. Remember, they like it all. They

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also like to see you get angry, get sad, get upset.

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Narcissists live off of fear and anger, your fear and

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your anger, and they're successfully getting the best of you,

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and they like it when you feel overwhelmed and upset.

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And that's interesting because I don't think a lot of

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people realize that. I don't think a lot of people

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understand the gravity of that situation for most part for me,

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and I know that many of my viewers listeners on YouTube,

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on the podcast, my clients, they're generally positive people that

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like to be around positivity. They like positivity in their lives,

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and they don't like to have arguments and anger. They

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don't like that. They don't like to do that. And

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so when they get into these relationships over time, it

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becomes this very argumentative kind of angry playground that they

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end up getting kind of sucked into without even realize

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that they're sucked into it. And eventually, literally they're losing

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their energy. Their energy levels are depleting, and there's a

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lot of other things that are going on, and their

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health starts being an issue. Now, remember there are levels

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of narcissism. This is very true. You may have someone

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likes to be the center of attention, but also a

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pretty decent person overall, and they care about others. You

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may have someone that has much more narcissistic tendencies and

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you find it challenging to get along with them or

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even define common ground. And then you may come across

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covert narcissists who their entire persona is built on a lie,

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the wolf in sheep's clothing. And then you have the

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malignant narcissists who wants to see you lose your identity

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and fall prey to them, taking everything from you and

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leaving you the shell of a human. And I want

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you to think about that, because these are levels of narcissism.

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I know that many people say, oh, we throw that

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word aro out a lot. Not everybody's a narcissist. Well, no,

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not everybody's a narcissist, that's true. However, there are a

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lot of narcissists out there. I believe it's very underestimated

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the number. And there's different levels of narcissism, one extreme

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to another, just depends on where they are in the situation.

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You know, it's definitely a moving scale. You can have

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a few symptoms and signs of narcissism. It doesn't make

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you a full on narcissist. But there are full on

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narcissists out there. And I don't want to underplay that

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and act like it doesn't exist, because I think one

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of the biggest kind of situations we have in this

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world is having these kind of situations with these people

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that don't want you to really think that it exists.

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They want to underplay it, they want to act like

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it doesn't exist. They want to basically act like, oh,

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there's nobody out there like that. Let's play this down, right,

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because it makes other people look crazy by bringing it up.

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And I think we have to talk about the reality

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when we're talking about these types of situation. The way

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to really identify what level of narcissism that you're dealing

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with is to begin to see how self aware they are.

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The less self aware, the more narcissistic they are. This

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is your narcissistic litmus test. How one sided are your

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interactions with them? How one sided is the relationship, and

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how one sided are the demands? How often did they

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call you out or get angry with you when you

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do one twentieth of what they do on a daily basis.

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The less self aware, the more narcissistic they are. I

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want you to think about that. Self awareness does not

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go hand in hand with narcissism at all. They don't

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even really see what they're doing. I think to some

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degree they do. So I'm not saying that they're completely

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out of it and don't know that they're they're controlling

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and manipulating and gas lighting. I think some of them

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really do. I think some of them don't really realize

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it because they're completely un self aware. I think some

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are statistic enough to know exactly what they're doing, and

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I think most of them are a combination, right, so

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they know some of what they're doing, and they don't

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know some of what they're doing, and they're just kind

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of living in their own world and having a relationship

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with a narcissists is not having a relationship at all.

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It's having a relationship with somebody in their own world

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twenty four to seven, and you're just kind of hanging

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out with them, and that's really what it is. You

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become that person that's there for them, and they're every whim.

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You might even become a flying monkey to some degree,

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but it's not a mutual relationship. They don't see you

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equally to them. You are not equally yoked with them.

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They will see themselves as superre to you. Always a

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narcissist doesn't think that you're equal to them, doesn't even

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think that you shine a light to them. They actually

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look down on you for what you do, and they

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think that it's kind of funny because they just look

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at you and they see you as somebody they can

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use and take advantage of. They don't see you as

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somebody that they see as equal. I see narcissism like

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a disease, and this disease is looking for a host,

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someone that can take advantage of, someone they can use,

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and someone that will provide for them while they do

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very very little. They want a slave, not a lover,

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not a spouse, not a partner. Think about that slave,

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not an equal relationship. And this is very important because

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I think people get into these relationships with these people

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because they seem so great on paper. They seem so

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great as far as maybe they're good looking, attractive, Maybe

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they seem successful. Maybe they have the right friends and

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the right social group. Maybe they live in the right

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bi or drive the right cars. Maybe it's a combination,

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or maybe they seem kind of like the victim, like

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somebody that can you can take care of. You can

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be the knight in shining armor for whether it's a

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man or a woman, you can be that savior to them,

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and maybe that helps you too. And that's a big

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thing with codependance, right Codependans get sucked in a narcissist

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very quickly because the code dependant is giving everything that

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the narcissist wants, all the attention, all the caring. That's

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exactly that's what good supply is. Literally, a codependant equals

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good supply for the narcissists. That's your equation right there

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works every time except for guess what. The codependant gets

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well beaten down and eventually loses their identity and has

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to eventually find their way out of this relationship or

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lose their identity forever. Very important to understand, and I

225
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think a lot of people don't get this. A lot

226
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of people don't understand what they're getting into. They think, oh, oh,

227
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it's not that big of a deal. You know, we're

228
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having some bumps in the road. Oh, but you know

229
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these bumps will go away and everybody will get better.

230
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And you know that's what happens a lot of times too. Right,

231
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It's like, you have these struggles and then you have

232
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these decent times, and you know you have these decent times,

233
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you have these struggles and you go, oh, you kind

234
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of sweep it under the rug. Especially codependance we love

235
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and I'm a recovering code of Pennant, but I used

236
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to love sweeping it under the rug. Right, Oh yeah,

237
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it was great. Yesterday was great. I'm not going to

238
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think about all these other times that this person did

239
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me wrong. I'm not going to think about all these

240
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other times where this person lied or betrayed or I'm

241
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not gonna think about all these different times where I

242
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was put down or made fun of. I'm just gonna

243
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think about last night, because last night was a lot

244
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of fun. Hmm. There's a lot of last nights for

245
00:13:45.759 --> 00:13:47.679
a lot of people that are in twenty thirty year

246
00:13:47.720 --> 00:13:51.320
relationships with a full on narcissist where they really don't

247
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have a relationship with them. It's not really there. You're

248
00:13:56.080 --> 00:13:58.799
kind of just there as the slave for the narcissists.

249
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And I find that very interesting, and I think that

250
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that's something that nobody talks about. People don't like to

251
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talk about that in the depth of how we have

252
00:14:07.360 --> 00:14:10.159
to talk about that. The reason for it is people

253
00:14:10.200 --> 00:14:12.240
that have these signs and symptoms don't want you to

254
00:14:12.240 --> 00:14:14.559
think about it that way. They want to keep taking

255
00:14:14.600 --> 00:14:17.679
advantage of you. It feels good. They got this great

256
00:14:17.679 --> 00:14:20.600
supply and guess what, They're sucking the teat of your

257
00:14:20.720 --> 00:14:23.639
energy and it feels good to them. Why would they

258
00:14:23.639 --> 00:14:25.919
want everybody to wake up and see the truth. You

259
00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:28.559
might safeguard your energy, you feel good about yourself, and

260
00:14:28.600 --> 00:14:34.879
have all a healthy relationship. Maybe God forbid. Narcissists have

261
00:14:34.919 --> 00:14:38.960
a clear strategy for finding their victims. Narcissists apply a

262
00:14:39.000 --> 00:14:41.399
complete mask when they meet you and they give you

263
00:14:41.480 --> 00:14:44.480
all the attention that you crave. They create a persona

264
00:14:45.039 --> 00:14:47.799
that you mistake for the soulmate or you feel like

265
00:14:47.840 --> 00:14:50.639
it's forever, You've never had this type of relationship, But

266
00:14:50.679 --> 00:14:54.039
it's actually a trap. It's devised to ensnare you into

267
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a lifetime of servitude, a lifetime of servitude, And that's it,

268
00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:03.639
exactly what's happening. And I think if we all can

269
00:15:03.720 --> 00:15:06.759
just step back and look at these relationships and if

270
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you're married in a situation right now where you feel

271
00:15:11.360 --> 00:15:13.679
like you're married to a full on narcissist, let's get

272
00:15:13.720 --> 00:15:17.360
real with that. If you're in a relationship but not married, okay, wait,

273
00:15:17.399 --> 00:15:19.679
hold up, hold up, put the brakes on, no reason

274
00:15:19.679 --> 00:15:22.000
to get married right this second. Let's think about reality

275
00:15:22.000 --> 00:15:24.840
real quick. Let's talk about it. If you're planning on

276
00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:29.799
having children with somebody, wait, look, what's the signs? What

277
00:15:29.960 --> 00:15:35.200
kind of person are they really? Because one of the

278
00:15:35.279 --> 00:15:37.600
toughest things you can do is have a child with

279
00:15:37.639 --> 00:15:41.639
a narcissist. One of the toughest things you can do

280
00:15:41.720 --> 00:15:43.399
in life is having a child. I mean, there's a

281
00:15:43.399 --> 00:15:44.840
lot of things that go with it, but when you

282
00:15:45.039 --> 00:15:51.879
have a spouse, that's challenging, and maybe they decide one

283
00:15:51.960 --> 00:15:54.879
day they're out of there, and then they're going to

284
00:15:54.960 --> 00:15:58.759
try to take the child from you. That's very interesting too,

285
00:15:58.759 --> 00:16:02.600
and that happens a lot with nars statistic marriages. You know,

286
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:04.200
all of a sudden, you were a good mother or

287
00:16:04.200 --> 00:16:06.840
a good father, and now you're not. Now I'm going

288
00:16:06.919 --> 00:16:08.840
to go after full custody and take you down to

289
00:16:08.919 --> 00:16:11.320
court and beat you down and try to take the

290
00:16:11.399 --> 00:16:13.639
kid that you love so much away from you because

291
00:16:13.679 --> 00:16:15.440
I really want to hurt you. And that's part of

292
00:16:15.480 --> 00:16:19.879
my concept from A to B right, And that's what

293
00:16:19.919 --> 00:16:22.440
we call about parental alienation. It happens all the time.

294
00:16:22.480 --> 00:16:27.039
It's happening every day, all day unfortunately, all over the world.

295
00:16:28.080 --> 00:16:31.320
And that's something I want you to think about. I

296
00:16:31.360 --> 00:16:33.600
think that's something that we really need to think about

297
00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:36.399
over and over again when we're dealing with our lives,

298
00:16:37.080 --> 00:16:42.440
our society, marriages, family, all these things are very important

299
00:16:42.440 --> 00:16:48.000
to understand all of these things. And that's where it's

300
00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:51.840
like it gets really challenging when you start realizing that

301
00:16:51.879 --> 00:16:55.080
you have to be very picky, choosy, whatever words you want,

302
00:16:55.519 --> 00:16:59.360
I like the word discernment. You have to have discernment

303
00:17:00.600 --> 00:17:03.039
to make good decisions on who you're gonna get in

304
00:17:03.080 --> 00:17:07.559
a relationship with, and then the next level, who you're

305
00:17:07.599 --> 00:17:09.680
gonna get married to. If you're going to get married,

306
00:17:09.720 --> 00:17:11.799
A lot of people are choosing not to get married nowadays.

307
00:17:13.160 --> 00:17:14.759
And then the next level, which a lot of people

308
00:17:14.799 --> 00:17:17.039
are choosing not to have children either. But okay, a

309
00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:18.880
lot of people aren't. But if you're wanting to have

310
00:17:18.920 --> 00:17:22.279
a child with somebody, that's like the trifecta level. You

311
00:17:22.440 --> 00:17:25.680
have to be with somebody that you can trust. You

312
00:17:25.759 --> 00:17:27.920
have to be with somebody that's not going to hurt you,

313
00:17:28.599 --> 00:17:31.079
somebody that has your back even if you fall out

314
00:17:31.119 --> 00:17:34.000
of whatever they call that love or lust or whatever.

315
00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:36.839
Even you got to have someone that's gonna be an

316
00:17:36.920 --> 00:17:39.319
honest person that'll be there and say, hey, you know,

317
00:17:39.359 --> 00:17:43.240
let's put our stuff aside, and let's raise this child properly,

318
00:17:43.319 --> 00:17:46.000
even if you're in separate houses, separate homes. Let's do

319
00:17:46.079 --> 00:17:48.200
the right thing. Let's do what's right for this kid.

320
00:17:48.480 --> 00:17:50.359
You have to have somebody that's gonna come up to

321
00:17:50.400 --> 00:17:52.279
the plate like you are to do that. And if

322
00:17:52.319 --> 00:17:55.640
you don't have that, I really tell you, don't do it.

323
00:17:57.039 --> 00:17:58.559
I mean, it's much better to raise a child on

324
00:17:58.599 --> 00:18:01.480
your own than dealing with those type of situations. And

325
00:18:01.519 --> 00:18:04.160
I've even had clients that have gone and you know,

326
00:18:05.079 --> 00:18:07.319
gone to sperm donors and had their own child and

327
00:18:07.400 --> 00:18:10.640
raising their child on their own because they couldn't find

328
00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:12.759
the right mate, They couldn't find the right spouse, and

329
00:18:12.799 --> 00:18:14.960
they didn't want to open up their life to chaos.

330
00:18:16.880 --> 00:18:18.559
They wanted a child, but they didn't want to open

331
00:18:18.680 --> 00:18:21.240
up their life to chaos. And I, for one, think

332
00:18:21.279 --> 00:18:23.200
that that's admirable if that's what you want to do.

333
00:18:23.960 --> 00:18:25.440
But I know a lot of people out there right

334
00:18:25.480 --> 00:18:27.400
now are not wanting to get married because of this.

335
00:18:27.440 --> 00:18:30.160
They're not wanting to have children because of this. Some

336
00:18:30.200 --> 00:18:32.920
of you who are even fearful of dating because of this,

337
00:18:34.680 --> 00:18:38.359
And I get it. And that's where it's like interesting.

338
00:18:38.400 --> 00:18:41.000
That's where things get interesting when we look at life

339
00:18:41.119 --> 00:18:47.119
and we look at situations. Is trying to take care

340
00:18:47.160 --> 00:18:51.920
of ourselves and do what's right for us. Being able

341
00:18:51.920 --> 00:18:54.200
to put ourselves out there and meet other people and

342
00:18:54.240 --> 00:18:59.920
have relationships, but knowing when a relationship is either not help,

343
00:19:01.920 --> 00:19:07.880
knowing when somebody might not have the healthiest symptoms or signs.

344
00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:13.960
But also the bigger picture is understanding when we are

345
00:19:14.079 --> 00:19:17.920
a perfect puzzle piece to be used or abused and

346
00:19:18.000 --> 00:19:20.680
being able to see the truth behind that so we

347
00:19:20.720 --> 00:19:24.759
don't fall prey into these relationships. And that goes back

348
00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:27.079
to self awareness, and so that's one of the things

349
00:19:27.079 --> 00:19:29.759
that you can do that you have ability to do.

350
00:19:30.640 --> 00:19:33.119
You can do this right now and every one of

351
00:19:33.160 --> 00:19:37.359
your relationships. And first off, you need to get right

352
00:19:37.400 --> 00:19:41.119
on how self aware you are. I mean I think

353
00:19:41.160 --> 00:19:43.799
about everything I do. I look at it from many

354
00:19:43.839 --> 00:19:47.440
many sides, almost like a prism, Like you look at

355
00:19:47.480 --> 00:19:49.200
through the prism and you look through you know, and

356
00:19:49.240 --> 00:19:51.960
you see it. I look at how does this action

357
00:19:52.079 --> 00:19:56.079
impact someone else? How does this non action impact someone else?

358
00:19:56.599 --> 00:19:59.240
You know? When I say this, what's the impact of that?

359
00:19:59.480 --> 00:20:01.559
You know? Can I say this in a different way

360
00:20:01.599 --> 00:20:05.240
to make this more palatable or understandable, Like I really

361
00:20:05.240 --> 00:20:08.759
think about my actions, like how I present myself, the

362
00:20:08.799 --> 00:20:13.279
comments I make. I think about these things honestly. How

363
00:20:13.279 --> 00:20:17.119
often are you doing that introspection? How often are you

364
00:20:17.160 --> 00:20:20.759
going with inside yourself to think about things like, you know,

365
00:20:20.799 --> 00:20:25.000
how does this action impact someone else? How do my

366
00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:29.720
actions impact someone else? And if they are possibly impacting

367
00:20:29.759 --> 00:20:32.559
them in a negative way, how do I augment that

368
00:20:32.640 --> 00:20:36.640
action and change my operende to do what's right for

369
00:20:36.720 --> 00:20:41.279
people around me. And so if you're right with you,

370
00:20:41.720 --> 00:20:43.279
and this is something you have to do on a

371
00:20:43.319 --> 00:20:46.599
daily basis. This isn't like, oh, I'm self aware one

372
00:20:46.640 --> 00:20:49.960
moment and then I'm not. That's not it at all.

373
00:20:51.640 --> 00:20:54.880
Being self aware is a twenty four hours a day,

374
00:20:55.079 --> 00:21:00.079
seven days a week process to understanding why you do

375
00:21:00.200 --> 00:21:02.480
what you do and then seeing the impact that it

376
00:21:02.519 --> 00:21:05.640
has on other people and augmenting it if you need

377
00:21:05.680 --> 00:21:09.319
to to do what's right for people around you. Now,

378
00:21:09.319 --> 00:21:12.960
that doesn't mean sugarcoating things, or kissing people's butt or

379
00:21:13.000 --> 00:21:17.319
being people's like narcissistic supply. That's not what self awareness is.

380
00:21:17.400 --> 00:21:20.960
Self awareness is getting right with you, feeling good about

381
00:21:21.119 --> 00:21:24.880
the presentation of you into this world, and understanding why

382
00:21:24.920 --> 00:21:28.680
you choose certain things, why you've gotten into certain relationships,

383
00:21:29.079 --> 00:21:31.839
and the impact in the historical reference of how we

384
00:21:31.920 --> 00:21:37.119
actually kind of wake up, renew and work on ourselves.

385
00:21:37.839 --> 00:21:41.279
It's about being better than we were yesterday, not competing

386
00:21:41.279 --> 00:21:45.880
with other people. And that's what's really important to understand

387
00:21:46.200 --> 00:21:50.599
is that many of us also instead of seeing the actions,

388
00:21:51.640 --> 00:21:55.680
we don't look at people's actions. We listen to what

389
00:21:55.759 --> 00:21:58.720
they tell us. We listen to what people tell us

390
00:21:58.799 --> 00:22:04.359
instead of what they do. What people tell us versus

391
00:22:04.400 --> 00:22:08.440
what they do can be two terribly different things. And

392
00:22:08.480 --> 00:22:10.440
many of us have gotten in a relationships with people

393
00:22:10.519 --> 00:22:12.559
that talk a lot but do very little, or they

394
00:22:12.599 --> 00:22:15.240
talk a lot and they do the opposite, or you know,

395
00:22:15.279 --> 00:22:18.359
it's interesting. I've met people too that the more they're lying,

396
00:22:19.480 --> 00:22:23.680
the faster they talk, and they're talking to speed up

397
00:22:23.720 --> 00:22:25.880
to it's like they're talking about all these things because

398
00:22:25.880 --> 00:22:30.119
they don't want you to ask any questions. They don't

399
00:22:30.119 --> 00:22:32.599
want you to ask any questions because you might get

400
00:22:32.680 --> 00:22:36.519
well onto them, you might figure them out because they're

401
00:22:36.599 --> 00:22:41.720
not being honest with you. Because remember the beginning of

402
00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:46.759
these narcissistic relationships are orchestrated precisely to get what they

403
00:22:46.839 --> 00:22:51.880
want from you. The narcissist spots you knows what they

404
00:22:51.920 --> 00:22:55.640
want and they're going to go after it. Unfortunately you're

405
00:22:55.680 --> 00:22:58.119
not aware, and you're giving them all the supply and

406
00:22:58.160 --> 00:23:00.839
all the information they need to get what they want.

407
00:23:02.559 --> 00:23:05.160
So that's the key here is that once we become aware,

408
00:23:05.200 --> 00:23:06.960
and I want us all to be aware, no matter

409
00:23:06.960 --> 00:23:11.960
if it's a relationship a friend, maybe it's a family dynamic,

410
00:23:12.079 --> 00:23:14.200
maybe it's somebody you're going to go into business with.

411
00:23:14.880 --> 00:23:17.920
Maybe it's somebody that you're in a romantic relationship with,

412
00:23:18.160 --> 00:23:21.359
or somebody you started dating. I need you to be

413
00:23:21.440 --> 00:23:25.480
aware because the more aware you are, the better off

414
00:23:25.519 --> 00:23:29.519
you are. And the thing is is that sex does

415
00:23:29.599 --> 00:23:34.079
cloud the situation. Having sex with a narcissist will cloud

416
00:23:34.960 --> 00:23:41.400
your judgment. The sex has a tendency of lubricating the situation.

417
00:23:41.519 --> 00:23:44.240
And the fact of how alcohol does and drugs and

418
00:23:44.279 --> 00:23:46.920
all that things where you start saying, oh, well, you know,

419
00:23:47.039 --> 00:23:51.279
you start overlooking the red flags, and you know, you

420
00:23:51.319 --> 00:23:53.640
start getting involved with being in bed with them. And

421
00:23:53.680 --> 00:23:55.759
the problem is is you feel like you're connected to

422
00:23:55.799 --> 00:23:58.680
them when you're having sex with them, but you're really not,

423
00:23:59.880 --> 00:24:02.680
so it's a false connection. And then the rest of

424
00:24:02.720 --> 00:24:05.559
the day you're trying to figure out why you feel

425
00:24:05.559 --> 00:24:11.799
disconnected from this person. The narcissist seems perfect for several months,

426
00:24:12.680 --> 00:24:15.519
making you believe that you found your person. You tell

427
00:24:15.519 --> 00:24:18.880
them all your secrets without thinking of possible outcomes. You

428
00:24:18.920 --> 00:24:21.839
aren't yet aware that you are actually supplying that person

429
00:24:21.920 --> 00:24:25.160
with the information that they need to hold you hostage

430
00:24:25.160 --> 00:24:27.599
for the rest of your life or until you finally

431
00:24:27.640 --> 00:24:34.160
find the power to leave this narcissistic relationship. And that's

432
00:24:34.200 --> 00:24:36.960
a big deal. And self awareness is very much key

433
00:24:37.119 --> 00:24:40.880
to understanding that what information are you giving other people

434
00:24:40.920 --> 00:24:45.359
before you honestly know them. I don't think many of

435
00:24:45.359 --> 00:24:47.160
you all go to your boss at work and say, hey,

436
00:24:47.160 --> 00:24:49.559
I want to tell you my deepest, darkest secrets right now.

437
00:24:49.599 --> 00:24:51.599
I mean, have only been working here for a few weeks,

438
00:24:51.599 --> 00:24:53.119
and I think it's a good idea that I tell

439
00:24:53.160 --> 00:24:55.240
you all about this. Just say, you know, for a

440
00:24:55.240 --> 00:24:58.680
frame of reference, you don't go and tell your mom

441
00:24:58.680 --> 00:25:00.519
and dad everything that you did back the past in

442
00:25:00.599 --> 00:25:02.480
high school that they probably aren't going to be happy

443
00:25:02.480 --> 00:25:05.759
to hear about. But somehow or not, you tell this

444
00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:09.599
narcissist everything that you've ever done that you really don't

445
00:25:09.599 --> 00:25:11.640
want to put out there. You don't want it broadcast,

446
00:25:11.720 --> 00:25:13.640
and you certainly don't want it put on a billboard.

447
00:25:13.640 --> 00:25:16.000
But guess what, in the first few months, you tell

448
00:25:16.039 --> 00:25:20.000
them everything so that they can use everything against you later,

449
00:25:20.039 --> 00:25:24.640
and they will, and they will, And that's how people

450
00:25:24.680 --> 00:25:27.599
lose friends and family and everything else because they've talked

451
00:25:27.640 --> 00:25:31.079
about various things that happen in their past. Narcissist isn't

452
00:25:31.160 --> 00:25:33.279
very happy about it. So what are they going to do.

453
00:25:33.279 --> 00:25:35.640
They're going to separate you from all those people that

454
00:25:35.720 --> 00:25:41.799
they feel are a threat to them. And so you

455
00:25:41.839 --> 00:25:44.559
have just opened up Pandora's box. You've given the key

456
00:25:44.599 --> 00:25:46.599
to them. You've told them all your secrets so that

457
00:25:46.640 --> 00:25:49.559
they can use them later on when they need to

458
00:25:49.559 --> 00:25:53.359
get ammunition to make you feel bad, to take you down,

459
00:25:53.440 --> 00:25:58.599
to try to destroy you in the process. And so

460
00:25:58.680 --> 00:26:03.200
go back to that self aware, go back to the

461
00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:08.079
concept of the self awareness and understanding. Okay, and my

462
00:26:08.160 --> 00:26:10.319
self aware of how I'm acting, But am I also

463
00:26:10.480 --> 00:26:12.920
aware of how this is making me feel by what

464
00:26:13.039 --> 00:26:15.640
they're doing? What is my discernment? How do I have

465
00:26:15.720 --> 00:26:21.599
discernment here? Okay? Thinking through it very clearly, not masking

466
00:26:21.640 --> 00:26:25.960
your feelings, not sweeping it under the rug. You have

467
00:26:26.000 --> 00:26:30.920
a legitimate right to take your time in any relationship

468
00:26:31.000 --> 00:26:34.559
to see if somebody will do the right thing over time,

469
00:26:34.839 --> 00:26:38.319
and the only thing that you have is time. When

470
00:26:38.319 --> 00:26:40.839
it comes to this, now, you many of you need

471
00:26:40.880 --> 00:26:42.960
to be more self aware. The red flags are flying.

472
00:26:43.039 --> 00:26:46.640
It's communists China. You're in the biggest communist China mall,

473
00:26:46.799 --> 00:26:49.279
and there's like two hundred and fifty red flags flying

474
00:26:49.279 --> 00:26:51.039
and you're still like, I don't know, it looks nice

475
00:26:51.079 --> 00:26:53.279
around here. It's all good right here. I think I'm

476
00:26:53.279 --> 00:26:56.480
gonna stay here for a while. Wake up. Okay. So

477
00:26:56.519 --> 00:26:58.160
we got to get over that. We got to see

478
00:26:58.200 --> 00:26:59.920
the red flags for what they are, and many of

479
00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:02.559
if you were overlooking them for multiple reasons, you've been

480
00:27:02.599 --> 00:27:05.359
sold to bill of goods, of you know, the soulmate,

481
00:27:05.440 --> 00:27:09.079
the twin flame, your forever person. You know, maybe the

482
00:27:09.119 --> 00:27:11.559
sex is great right now. Whatever I had a quiet

483
00:27:11.599 --> 00:27:13.559
recently was telling me, he's like, you know, I get

484
00:27:13.559 --> 00:27:16.279
off work, I come home and she is cooking in

485
00:27:16.319 --> 00:27:19.160
the kitchen with just an apron and naked. Besides that,

486
00:27:19.559 --> 00:27:22.160
and that was week two. Well, you know, after week

487
00:27:22.200 --> 00:27:24.720
two into week six, there was no sex. And if

488
00:27:24.759 --> 00:27:27.759
it was, it was a currency. It was used as currency.

489
00:27:27.839 --> 00:27:30.440
So I want y'all really think about this. I want

490
00:27:30.480 --> 00:27:33.720
you to like kind of process this concept and realize

491
00:27:34.039 --> 00:27:36.279
the things in the beginning of this relationship. If it

492
00:27:36.319 --> 00:27:41.039
feels too good to be true, it is it is okay.

493
00:27:41.680 --> 00:27:44.200
If everything's perfect and they're doting all over you and

494
00:27:44.279 --> 00:27:49.000
everything's going on, this is not healthy. There is something

495
00:27:49.039 --> 00:27:53.559
else going on that's trying to get you ensnared into

496
00:27:53.599 --> 00:27:56.039
this relationship. Wake up, wake up, Wake up, Wake up.

497
00:27:56.599 --> 00:27:59.079
People can be nice and kind, but there is a

498
00:27:59.119 --> 00:28:03.079
certain level of well, just over the top. And a

499
00:28:03.079 --> 00:28:04.960
lot of times people get what they want because they

500
00:28:04.960 --> 00:28:08.200
get they suck you in and they go, oh, look,

501
00:28:08.480 --> 00:28:11.839
this is gonna be like this forever. Ooh, the shiny object,

502
00:28:11.880 --> 00:28:14.960
it's gonna be amazing. I'm gonna be like this forever.

503
00:28:15.440 --> 00:28:19.160
I'm gonna be cooking naked, I'm gonna be doing your laundry,

504
00:28:19.640 --> 00:28:21.799
I'm gonna be writing love notes to you, I'm going

505
00:28:21.839 --> 00:28:24.680
to be cleaning the house, all these great things. And

506
00:28:24.680 --> 00:28:27.839
then eventually it's over. You know, all of a sudden,

507
00:28:27.839 --> 00:28:31.079
there's like pizza boxes all over the house, uber containers

508
00:28:31.119 --> 00:28:33.079
all over the house. There hasn't been a house clean,

509
00:28:33.119 --> 00:28:35.359
there's been no baking in the sex well, it's pretty

510
00:28:35.400 --> 00:28:38.039
much dried up. So I want you to realize that

511
00:28:38.079 --> 00:28:41.240
even though it feels good in the moment, remember this

512
00:28:41.319 --> 00:28:44.799
doesn't last. And so when we are self aware, we

513
00:28:44.880 --> 00:28:48.359
find people that generally are more well healthy. When we're

514
00:28:48.400 --> 00:28:51.960
self aware, we can see unhealthy behavior. We can also

515
00:28:52.000 --> 00:28:55.240
see our own unhealthy behavior. By accepting a lot of

516
00:28:55.279 --> 00:28:59.799
these things into our life. Remember the narcissists, to some degree,

517
00:29:00.240 --> 00:29:04.400
exactly what they're doing. It's a playbook that's followed, and

518
00:29:04.480 --> 00:29:06.640
if you fall trap into that, it will be hard

519
00:29:06.680 --> 00:29:09.839
to get out of it because that intermittent reinforcement will

520
00:29:09.920 --> 00:29:13.079
keep you back in it. All the good stuff, then bad,

521
00:29:13.240 --> 00:29:15.359
really bad. Then oh we got a little bit of good. Oh,

522
00:29:15.400 --> 00:29:17.400
then really really bad, then we got oh, a tiny

523
00:29:17.400 --> 00:29:19.720
morsel is good, but then really bad after that. So

524
00:29:19.759 --> 00:29:23.079
I want you to focus on that and realize, don't

525
00:29:23.079 --> 00:29:26.319
tell all your secrets in the beginning. In any relationship,

526
00:29:26.440 --> 00:29:29.319
it takes. Time will be the only thing that will

527
00:29:29.319 --> 00:29:35.039
show you the truth. Your own awareness and time. Don't

528
00:29:35.079 --> 00:29:39.400
make extreme decisions like take your time to think about

529
00:29:39.400 --> 00:29:41.559
things logically, and that's what I want you to think about.

530
00:29:41.839 --> 00:29:45.640
I hope that this podcast has helped you. Please share

531
00:29:45.640 --> 00:29:48.640
it with family and friends. You can see it here, Oh,

532
00:29:48.680 --> 00:29:52.359
you can listen to it on Spreaker, Spotify, Apple Podcasts,

533
00:29:52.440 --> 00:29:55.519
and everywhere that podcast are also if you haven't already,

534
00:29:55.559 --> 00:29:58.240
please subscribe to the YouTube channel go to life Coach

535
00:29:58.359 --> 00:30:02.720
Ashley Burgess. Life Coach Ashley Burgess. Subscribe. We have almost

536
00:30:02.759 --> 00:30:06.279
two hundred thousand followers and growing every day. We put

537
00:30:06.359 --> 00:30:08.920
video content up every single week, multiple times a week,

538
00:30:09.000 --> 00:30:10.880
so please subscribe to that. And if you'd like to

539
00:30:10.920 --> 00:30:13.759
work with me, go to Ashley Burgs dot com. You

540
00:30:13.759 --> 00:30:16.720
can click on that contact page and send me a message,

541
00:30:17.039 --> 00:30:19.960
or you can go to Ashley Burgs dot com, click

542
00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:23.119
on coaching and you can set up an appointment right online,

543
00:30:23.279 --> 00:30:27.240
right then. Okay, I hope this podcast has connected with you.

544
00:30:27.319 --> 00:30:31.319
Please share with others and don't forget to live your

545
00:30:31.359 --> 00:30:33.559
true life. Wo