July 9, 2025

They May Think They Know You-But It's All An Interpretation [Ep. 800]

Show Notes
Transcript

In today’s episode of The Ashley Berges Show, I’m deep diving into something we don’t talk about enough: how we only understand ourselves. We have people in our lives, such as partners, parents, siblings, and best friends, but even they can only interpret what they think we say or feel. They can’t fully grasp what we’re going through internally. I’m exploring what it means to truly know yourself, how we continue to learn about who we are, and why outside perspectives, even well-meaning ones, often fall short.

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You're in a good place now.

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You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgets. Welcome back.

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You're listening to the Ashley Burchess Show today. I want

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to talk about a topic that I think is going

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to be a relief to many people. It might be

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a little overwhelming to accept initially, but the relief that

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it's going to give you and the relief that is

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going to give your life is going to be amazing.

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I believe that for the most part, we are alone

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and the fact that we are the only person that

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really understands ourselves. We are the only one that completely

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understands ourselves. And we're still learning about ourselves, but we

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grasp what we're about, we understand what we mean. We're

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working on ourselves. And it's interesting because I find that

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there's not really any other person on the planet, even

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if you're married or you have you know, parents that

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have been with you, or a brother, a sister, or

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a best friend, even they don't really understand you. They

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only understand what they can interpret, what they can assume,

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what they believe is you. And I was recently in

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a session with a client and I said, you know,

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I probably know you better than anybody knows you. I

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asked so many questions. I'm constantly interested in how you're feeling,

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why you feel this way, what were the thoughts around that,

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What are the dreams that you're having?

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How do we interpret these things?

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And so very few of us, if any of us

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have anybody in our life that's actually doing that, we don't, right,

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we don't.

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It's us.

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And even if you're married, even if you've been married

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for fifty years, even if you're sleeping next to somebody

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for the last twenty five years, it doesn't matter. They

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only know what you tell them and what they see,

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and then from what you see or from what they

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see and what you tell them, they can only assume

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and interpret in their own interpretation from their own experiences

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based on their historical record of what you mean by that.

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So what I'm saying is that your meaning of what

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you're saying could be very different than their interpretation of

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what they think you're saying. And I find that this

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can be very kind of scary to some people because

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they're like, wow, I mean, we might be really alone

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as far as there are parts of us that other

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people probably won't understand, probably won't be able to grasp.

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And even if you try to explain yourself to some people, right,

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they're still going to interpret or assume, or they've already

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made assumptions, or how they feel about you is already

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in their minds. So no matter what you say or do,

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you can't change that or override that. And let me

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give you an example for any of you that might

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be codependent or very much people pleasers, or you get

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value from helping others or doing good for others, and

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doing good for others is not a bad thing, that's

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a good thing. But I want us to do good

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for others because that's what we want to do, not

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because we have to do it, not because we feel

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like we have to do it, not because we're being

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bullied into it or shamed or guilted into it, none

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of those options. We want to be super aware of

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why we're doing something. So for example, recently, I had

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a friend of mine that was taking care of somebody

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in the hospital, and they did a lot of things,

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and they went out of their way, and they literally

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took everything else in their life and threw it on

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the back burner. I watched it, and I watched it

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from the sidelines. I watched it, and it was interesting,

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and that person that they were helping really didn't really

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believe in them actually helping them. So what I'm saying

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is they had an interpretation of who they believe this

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person to be or what they believe this person is

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capable of. And so instead of seeing this altruistic I'm

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dropping everything for you, taking you to the hospital, doing

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these things for you, instead of interpreting it that way,

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they interpreted it as somebody that was brown nosing, somebody

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that was trying to get this person to like them more.

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They felt like it was very manipulative. So they were

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doing all these things, you know, literally putting their work

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and their other responsibilities to the wayside, and in the process,

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the person that they were helping didn't really see it

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as help at all. They were looking through it feeling

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as though this person was manipulating them into making them

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believe that there's somebody that they're not. What I mean

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by that is that when somebody has an interpretation of

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who you are, it's very hard, if impossible, to change

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that interpretation, okay, And that interpretation could become from sources

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as far as somebody was talking ill about you or

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positive about you or negative or neutral about you, and

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that person allows that other person's you know, way of

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thinking to basically a cloud and the color how they

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think about you, and so they interpret whatever that other

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person is saying is the gospel truth and then interpret

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that from there.

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Now, what I find though, for.

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People that are people pleasers and codependency, And we've learned

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that growing up as a child, many of us were

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in environments where, you know, the codependency rubbed off or

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we became very codependent with people that were in need

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as far as there were issues maybe that you know,

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you had an alcoholic mother or father, or a parent

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that was doing drugs, or a parent that was very

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narcissistic and self centered and so you cater to them,

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or a parent that had borderline personality disorder.

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And you were catering to the mean you didn't know

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what was going on.

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You just began to take on that you know, determination

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of I'm going to take care of everybody. I'm gonna

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solve the problem, I'm going to make things work. I'm

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gonna be there, I'm gonna be the best kid, I'm

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gonna get the best grades, I'm gonna do all these

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things in an effort to make everybody happy with me,

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and an effort to make everyone happy with me, in

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an effort for me to calm the situation.

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And all that stuff.

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So a lot of us learn that in a young

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age and throughout our life it has become a critical

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position we have as far as wanting to do these

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things for others. And I and I and I beg

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to ask the question because this is something that I

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think many of you don't think about is altruistic. It's

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it's fine to be altruistic, it's fine to give to people,

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but you need to think about it. Do I want

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to do this because I want to do this for

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someone else?

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Do I want to do this? Is this something I

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really just want to do for them?

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Or is this something that I have been guilted into doing,

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shamed into doing, or I think this will change the

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trajectory of our relationship in a positive way if I

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do this, or I'm trying to get somebody to see

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me in a different light. Okay, because all those other

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reasons besides just doing it because you want to do it,

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are not good reasons of doing things. And it's very

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hard to see things Honestly, it's very hard to separate

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things and see things. Do I really want to do

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this because I want to do this? Is this something

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that I honestly want to do? Question mark, because it's

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so hard to understand that, because it goes back to

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so many years of patterns of behavior and codependent people

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pleasing like training, that you have to really deep down

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inside really actually explore the fact that you really, actually

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truly want to do this, just altruistically. And it doesn't

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matter what the outcome is. It doesn't matter if you

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have to go into these things and say, if I

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actually altruistically really just want to do this because I

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just want to do this, that means that no matter

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what happens, I don't care. Like even if the person

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says that I'm a jackass and hates me, it's okay.

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I might have spent three days doing this, but that's

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okay because it wasn't about that. It was about me

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doing it because I wanted to do that. And so

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these are things that you have to really look at

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because I've realized we actually are to some degree alone.

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I mean, it was interesting because in several sessions lately,

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I realized that I know more about that client than

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their spouse, their family, their friends. Because I ask questions,

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I'm constantly asking questions, I'm constantly getting a deeper dive psychologically, mentally, emotionally,

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spiritually than probably anybody else in their life. I can

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honestly say that, and they can honestly agree with that,

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because most people assume what we're saying. They don't ask

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the question, they just assume what you mean. Then, remember

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the fact is that most of us have, you know,

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no matter how close a friend is, they have their

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own hang ups, their own issues, their own mental hangups,

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their own issues that cloud the judgment of how they

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hear and interpret something. Okay, for one person, you can

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say something and the other person can be very anxious

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attachment and assume that you're saying something to them or

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putting them down when it has nothing to do with that.

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You could have somebody that's very avoidant, that doesn't even

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really listen or even pay attention. They might catch a

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word or two, but they're not really there. You may

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have somebody that thinks that they know what you're talking about,

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but they really don't. They don't really have a concept

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of what you were really saying.

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To them.

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You might have somebody that's been in a similar situation

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that you're talking about, but it's a very different situation

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and you have different thoughts about it.

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Very rarely are you.

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Going to have someone that understands exactly how you feel.

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I mean, it's almost impossible. Even if you literally drew

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pictures and and talked about it's a nauseum.

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It's very hard think about it.

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When was the last time you tried to explain to

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a friend an argument or a negative situation that took

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place between a friend of yours or family member or something,

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and the person was like making comments but it really

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wasn't going along with what was going on, and you

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were trying to give as much backstory as possible, but

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you started getting exhausted at some point after about thirty minutes,

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going oh my god, how much backstory can I get?

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Because the other person doesn't really understand? And that's very

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interesting because that's why I find it's interesting when people say, oh,

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I don't need to go to coaching your therapy. You know,

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I can talk to a friend. Oh really, do you

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have a friend that's going to listen for hours on

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end about why you made this decision based on your

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historical record of your family dynamic and your childhood. No,

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nor a lot of people are just going to go

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along with what you say just to get you to

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shut up. Other people think that they have an idea,

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but they don't. And some people are gonna lead you

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down the path to making a bad decision because they're

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assuming things that are not correct. And also remember when

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you go to friends for advice, they all have their

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own desire and whatever they think is best for you

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as well. So again this is a biased concept of

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its own and the fact that they even know what's

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best for you is also a misnomer in its own

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judgment as well, because nobody should know what's best for

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you besides yourself. Most people have no clue. They might

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make assumptions. So I think about this. It can be

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very isolating feeling. But at the same time, we really

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are the center of our own universe. Okay, nobody else is.

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You may have really deep connections with your family or

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a spouse, or a good friend or several people in

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your life, and that's great, it's excellent. I'm glad for you.

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But again, I want you to really look at these

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relationships and realize, yes, they've been around for a while,

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but they still don't really get you. They still don't

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really understand you. They can only understand you as much

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information as they have processed, and as much as they

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process this information based on your reality, not their reality,

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not how they interpret it, not their life. So think

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about that. You are the center of your universe. And

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I feel like everybody else around you is like a mirror,

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a mirror of some part of you, some part that

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you're dealing with, whether it's a powerful, successful part or

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something that you're struggling with, or something you haven't accepted.

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Maybe it's a shadow part of you, you know, your

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shadows self.

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Maybe it's not.

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And I feel like the mirrors of people is it's

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almost like a funhouse mirror because some of them can

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be so distorted and so overwhelming. Some of them can

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be more accurate as far as they're closer to where

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you are, but some aren't. And it's interesting, it's like

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and it's like, when you really think about it, you know,

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it's like that disco ball with those little mirrors, and

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each person kind of has this mirror that's reflecting back

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into you, that you're reflecting back out to them, and

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if you think about somebody else too, it's like it's

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their thoughts. Right. So, even if you have a spouse,

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even if you're in a long term relationship and even

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sleeping in the same bed for how many years twenty

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thirty years, they're still in their own mind. You might

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see them, you might participate in things with them, but

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you're not in their mind. Twenty four to seven. You're

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not in their mind at all. You have no idea

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what they're thinking about in their mind. They could be

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acting one way and thinking the other. They could be

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acting like they're happy and thinking about something completely different.

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You have absolutely no idea unless they get honest with you.

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And when you tell them things.

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About life or about thoughts or whatever, they interpret those

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as they do. Like, think about it when many of

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us have, you know, concepts of what's happening around the

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world around us, and some people call them conspiracy theories,

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you know, but conspiracy theories aren't conspiracy theories if they're real, right,

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because they're really happening, so it's not a conspiracy. But

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you know, it's interesting, like when you bring that up,

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things that are actually real even though they've been they're

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scientifically acknowledged. You know, you bring it up people, oh,

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come on. You know. Part of that is because they

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don't want to deal with it. The other part is

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that they might be fearful of the fact that it

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could be true. The other factor is that they've been

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brainwashed for so long to believe that it can't be true.

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And so it's so even something that simple can turn

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into an argument or somebody's shutting down because they can't

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they can't grasp it, they can't believe it, they can't

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you know, they can't wrap their brain around that.

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And so again, when.

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People think about other people having walls, like I know

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that many of us that have been in long term

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marriage is long term real life relationships, you know, twenty

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plus years, many of you say, hey, I feel like

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my spouse like there's a wall, Like maybe there's an

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intimacy wall, maybe there's like you know, not a lot

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of sex or sexual actions you know, at home anymore.

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And you say, oh, that's that person has a wall

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up against that. Yeah. Sure, But also a lot of

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times there's a mental emotional wall up right.

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But think about it.

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I mean, I think that's logical in the fact that

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you know, when somebody is thinking, feeling, going through processes,

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there's a very isolated feeling. No matter if somebody has

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people all around them, it can still feel very isolating,

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you know. And so it's like when you think about

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people coming in and out of your life, how they

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interpret what you're saying, How do they interpret what you're commenting,

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what you're saying in life? So you know they're either

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assuming something or they have literally asked you questions to

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nauseum to get a better idea of what you think.

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But again, for the most part, it's assumptions and personal

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interpretations based on their own theories, thoughts, historical background. Okay,

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And so for you codependence, for you people pleasers out here,

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this should actually be very refreshing for you. It should

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be a relief for you that you can let go

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of doing all these things all the time to impress

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on people or to make them happier or to make

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them feel better or whatever it is, because honestly, the

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interpretation of you has already been made. As you know,

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people make interpretations from the very beginning. And you know,

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I find that there's some relationships that need to probably

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be let go of. But I also think too One

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of the biggest things that we can let go of

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is looking for others for acceptance. You know, it's about

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going within, because remember, some people are gonna accept you

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and they're not. And if somebody doesn't accept you, and

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they haven't accepted you, no matter what you do is

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not gonna it's not gonna change the fact that they

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accept you or not accept you. It's not like one

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day you're gonna do this thing and they're gonna be like,

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oh my God, Harley Elia, Oh praise the Lord, Oh

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my god, this person's a saint. Oh why haven't I

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seen this before? If they already have an assumption about

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you that is not saintly, it ain't gonna happen. And

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I know some of you are like, oh, well, these

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people think that I've walked on water. You know, I'm

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on the pedestal. I want to stay on the pedestal.

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But there will be a moment where you're not gonna

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be on the pedestal. Nothing you can do or say

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is going to change that. They will execute that moment,

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even when you're probably least expecting it, and you will

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be off that pedestal and on the ground, and there

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you are trying to do these things to get back

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on that pedestal.

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Oh, I just want to get back on the pedestal.

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Oh, but they've already made an assumption on how they

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feel about you. So again, it doesn't matter. It's not

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until we take that away from them. You got to

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take that away from them. As far as you don't

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need acceptance from other people, because it doesn't matter anyway,

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because the acceptance that you're getting from other people is

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only based on their own interpretations of what they accept

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or not accept.

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So why does it matter to you?

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And I'm not saying we don't do good for people.

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I'm not saying we stop doing things for people and

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we start being a jackass in every aspect of our life.

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That's not at all what I'm saying. But I'm saying

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that we have to do things because we truly, at

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our core, want to do them. It's not because we

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have to. It's not because we were made to you.

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It's not because we were punised to it's not because

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we are guilted to you. It's not because we were

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shamed into doing something. Remember the last time you were

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guilted or shamed into doing something, how did you feel

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about that. You did it anyway, but you felt crappy.

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You did it anyway, but you remember it because it

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was like, man, that really sucked. That was one of

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my worst experiences of my life. I did it, but

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it sucked. And so I want you to think about that.

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You can't just like get this time back. It's not

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like you can like throw away two weeks of your

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life and just go, oh, here's another two weeks back.

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It's like, you got to start focusing on your life

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and figuring out, what do.

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I want to do? What is at my highest good.

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It's not necessarily like you know, oh, I want to

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go out party and go crazy, but what's at my

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highest good? You know what is best because you usually

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what is best for you. I mean seriously, not not

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what you're conjuring up as being best in some sort

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of cockeyed scheme. I'm talking about the best version of you,

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the highest level of you. Attaining the highest level of

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you can only be the best for everybody else, right,

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it can only be the best for everybody else when

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we finally look at that and see that and understanding

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what that is, and understanding like the people coming in

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and out of your life there will be people that

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will be long term, there will be people that will

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be less long term. But I want you to think

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about that. I want you to think about that, and

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I want you to think about how much energy you

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put into what others think about you, What others think

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about you, I mean, because if you think about it,

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remember what they think about you. You can't change. And

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how they think about you is based on their own

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limitations or thought process or versions of the world.

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And you can't change that. I can't.

384
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I can't take everybody you know and chlorophyll them and

385
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take them to a day spa for a week and

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do some you know, some Jedi mind change on them.

387
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I can't. I can't do that. I mean, maybe you

388
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can hire me to do that. I'm just kidding, but no,

389
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you know, I can't do that. So I can't change

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the way they think. They already think that way, they

391
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already live that way, they already believe that way, They

392
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already coming from a position of action that way. That

393
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is where they are in their life, that is who

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they are as a person.

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And so when you realize that.

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