June 23, 2026

The Undercover Secret Type of Narcissism Revealed & Explained [Ep.815]

Show Notes
Transcript

There’s a specific type of narcissism that goes under the radar. It goes under the radar because it’s the opposite of what you think of when you think of narcissism. Overt narcissism is the most known type of narcissism where someone is the center of attention, extremely arrogant, and overpowering others. However one specific type of narcissism is even more toxic because it goes under the radar and surfaces when you are already deep into a relationship, partnership, or friendship. These people weaponize your fear over time to control, manipulate, and gaslight you. You may have a parent, family member, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend who is a covert narcissist and you may not know it. You know something isn’t right, their are red flags, but you don’t realize who and what you are actually dealing with. Listen to this thirty minute episode and get the knowledge you need to see the truth, recognize the signs, see the red flags honestly, and later within the podcast ways to safeguard yourself in the process.

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You're in a good place now. You are listening to

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Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Welcome back to the Ashley Burgess Podcast.

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On today's podcast, I would like to discuss a hidden

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type of narcissism, a hidden type of narcissism that many

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of us don't even know exists, and it goes under

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the radar. And these types of narcissists weaponize one thing,

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your fear, whatever that fear is, they weaponize it to

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use it for their advantage. Let's discuss what type of

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narcissism that is today. Who are most susceptible to this

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type of narcissism, the signs and symptoms of this type

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of narcissism, and way till the end of the podcast,

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because I will be talking about how it ends up

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showing up in relationships and the outcomes that it has

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when you deal with this type of narcissist. Okay, they

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weaponize fear. What type of narcissism weaponizes fear goes under cover?

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Is not your over narcissism that self center, everybody knows them,

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ego driven, center of attention, center of the party. No,

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that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about

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what covert narcissism, covert undercover narcissism. The people you would

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never expect to be narcissist ding meaning is what we're

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talking about on today's podcast. So, who were most susceptible

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to this type of narcissism. Well, codependency anybody that came

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from a codependent a relationship with a family dynamic where

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you were codependent with a mother or father. You dealt

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with that, You learned that type of situation because there

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were issues in the family dynamic. You had to accept

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mom's issues, dad's issues. Most of the time, there was

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no responsibility being taken and you had to overlook these

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types of things because you were the child. And that

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has gone and segued into all your other relationships, every

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romantic relationship as well as personal, professional relationship and friendship relationship.

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Also anyone with certain fears, fear of being alone. If

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you have a fear of being alone, you are definitely

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susceptible to this type of narcissism, no joke, because they

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will play on your emotions, they will prey on the situation.

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What about the fear of abandonment, being abandoned by somebody.

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Oftentimes when you have a fear of being abandoned. You'll

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take on mostly anybody. You don't really think about it,

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and you overlook the red flags almost on purpose because

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you think I can make them better. It's kind it's

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kind of a combination of overlooking it because of the fear,

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but also that codependency of I can take this on,

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I can make them better, I can help them, and

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the fear of living alone. Many people would rather not

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live alone no matter what. So it's not about the

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person they're living with. They just want to have like

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a living body there, somebody that's there, even if they

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have to deal with pain and suffering of that person. Now,

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don't forget you'll want to stay at the end of

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this podcast, because I'm actually reviewing the outcomes of these people,

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how these covert narcissists turn up in life no matter what,

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how they actually kind of go through life, and the

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outcomes for these people, because once you understand the outcomes,

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you realize what you're dealing with. Now, remember, they will

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weaponize any type of fear to stay in the relationship

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and to do the bare minimum. Now, how does a

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relationship with a covert narcissist appear in the beginning. Well,

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that's a good question. They appear helpful almost overly there.

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They're there a lot, always there for you. It's almost

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like you've met this great person that is giving you

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all this attension and all this compassion, and it's like, wow,

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where has this person been on my life? All this attention.

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One of the things that I find as a caveat though,

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that's very important, as these people will make these sacrifices

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in the beginning of the relationship. They'll make sacrifices, and

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they're going to tell you about these sacrifices. Now, it's

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not going to be like overly talked about. It'll just

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be saying, hey, I didn't do this because of you

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needing that. And then they just let it go like

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instead of you know, me taking care of my family

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or doing this, I'll take care of you. I'll help you.

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And they let it go very quickly, and you think, Wow,

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this person's really making sacrifices for our relationship and for me,

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and that feels really good and I haven't had that

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growing up, And wow, this person's probably a keeper. But

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I want you to remember, this sacrifice will be brought

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up until the end of time and if You're in

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a situation right now where somebody has just made a

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sacrifice for you and they told you kind of just

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you know, just briefly, wasn't a big deal that is

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going to come back around and bite you. Because what

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happens here is that's the setup. I'm making this sacrifice

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for you, and eventually you're going to be indebted to

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me because I've done something for you, you owe me. How

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does it appear in the beginning, again, a lot of

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love bombing. Remember you have all this attention. They're overly there.

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They seem to be carrying more than anybody you've been around.

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There's probably some sex, you know, they're probably some you know,

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there's some sex, there's connection. You're like, wow, I never

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experienced this. Now. You don't know that this is going

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to dry up at some point, but you're participating, thinking, Wow,

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this is the best relationship I've ever had. I mean,

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and it's really unusual because it's any time, any place,

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whatever you want, and it's it's very interesting because there's

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a lot of reasons for that, and we'll talk about

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it later, but this is a way of pulling you

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even closer in. There's a lot of admiration. There's also

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a very quick relationship. It's very quick. They want to

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quickly move through this relationship. And many of you might

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feel some red flags on this, But because of the

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admiration and the sex and the love bombing and all

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this stuff, you so, I'm just gonna overlook that, it's

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not that big of a deal. I mean, they're just

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in love, you know, they made this sacrifice and they're

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in love, and we're in love, and this is a

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perfect person on paper for me to be with. This

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is it. This is the end all be all. I've

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met my soulmate. So what kind of narcissists is this, Well,

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it's a covert narcissist. We know about the overt narcissists,

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you can spot them immediately. Very different. Now, much like

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the overt narcissists who sees people as disposable and they

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can use them for what they need, so do covert narcissists.

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Covert narcissists see people as stepping stones, but just kind

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of in a different way. They don't want to take responsibility,

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they don't want to be honest. There's a lot of

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don't want from a covert narcissist. So let's talk about

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the signs of covert narcissism. The first and the biggest

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one is that they played the victim in almost every conflict,

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every situation known to man. So they are constantly the victim.

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Something is happening to them, somebody has hurt them. Your actions, attitudes,

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what you did do, what you didn't do somehow or

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not has hurt them someow. And so they're going to

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make you feel bad for that. But see the way

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that it shows up in the beginning is like this

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person is, Oh, they're depressed or they've had a hard life,

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and a lot of times they'll come with these sad stories.

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And I think that most people have some tough stories.

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I've been doing this for a long time. A lot

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of my clients have tough and sad and painful stories. Okay,

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so the covert narciss says, it's sometimes what happens when

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you're in a relationship with them, especially if you have fears,

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and especially if there's a code of penit tendency or

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at a pennit tendency. You start taking on these things,

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you start feeling super bad. You start giving them a

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pass for the things that they're doing. Okaying this type

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of behavior when it's not correct and it's not healthy.

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So they're going to play the victim no matter what.

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That is the top card. Second, they're going to hold

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grudges forever, not just a long time, forever, even past

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the time that the person has died. They will still

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hold the grudge. That goes back to my terminology that

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I invented about ten years ago, which was forever ammunition.

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Whatever you did throughout this relationship will be recalled after

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the love bombing phase, until the time that you end

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the relationship or until the time that you have died.

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There's no other option. So they will hold a grudge

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anything that you've ever done that they feel is wrong,

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that you have wronged them, hurt them, done them wrong.

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They will bring it up, and some of them will

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bring it up over and over again. Some will bring

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it up on a daily basis, some will bring it

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up on an hourly basis, some will bring it up

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on a weekly basis. But they're going to remind you,

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and some of them will actually put it in order

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of everything that happened, even back to the wedding day.

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It could even start it prior to the wedding day.

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It could even been on the first date something you did.

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They will hold a grudge. They will be the victim

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of everything that you've done to them. They will use

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guilt to influence you. They will use guilt turn it

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on you, make you feel bad for whatever it is

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you've done, to allow them to do whatever they want

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to do, to give them a pass. And you don't

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realize this because you're still dealing with this guilt. You

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got all this stuff going on that you haven't dealt with,

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and they're tapping into that because in the beginning, you

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told them a lot of things that you should not

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have told them. You gave them the keys to the

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lock box, thinking that they were a safe person to

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be around. They're not safe. You told them about x's,

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you told them about past relationships, You told them about everything,

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and they began to weaponize it over a period of time. Now,

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they waited until they got with you. They waited until

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they got in a position that would be very hard

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to eliminate them. Whether you've had children with them, or

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you're married and about to have children, or whatever. They're

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living with you, it's a full time relationship. At this point,

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they appear humble to people. They appear, you know, this humble,

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sweet person, but really they actually feel like they're superior

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to every single person that they come into contact with.

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And they definitely think that they're superior to you. They

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actually mock you in their own heads. And it's funny

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because they mock you, and they will once the love

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bombing period is over with, they will begin to mock you,

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make fun of you, call you out, to call you names,

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tell you things like you look old, or you look

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this or that, or you need to lose weight or

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whatever it is. But they are highly sensitive to criticism.

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They can't handle any criticism, and if you criticize them normally,

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they will use the ability to cry on Q to

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get you to stop. They'll cry, but they're actually crying.

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It's not real tears. It's this crazy, covert, narcissistic way

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of making you feel bad. So they start crying like, oh,

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I've really pushed it. I've said things I shouldn't. I

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pushed them to the edge. That was a bad thing,

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and I was mean. I was mean, And so you

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start questioning your reality, you start questioning what you're saying.

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You start feeling super bad about even having them take

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any responsibility because they're either crying, or they're being snarky,

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or they're being just downright mean. Now. Also a lot

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of times they give you the silent treatment. Okay, so

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they'll give you the silent treatment. They'll be passive aggressive,

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and their behavior anytime you try to talk to them

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about anything that actually matters. They're not going to talk

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to you about anything that actually matters, okay, especially if

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it has to do with something they have not done.

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They don't want to talk about it. They want to

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talk about what you have not done. So they will

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make subtle digs and backhanded comments to you. A lot

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of you know, they what do they call it, word salad. Well,

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they'll start manipulating and controlling you and making you feel

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bad and diluting your theory of yourself and making you

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question your reality, make you question your value. All those

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things happening, which is a very interesting dynamic. And so

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as these things are happening, you begin to question yourself,

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making yourself more susceptible to the situation in this relationship,

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making you more uneasy, more sensitive. So as they began

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to you know, mess with you, creating digs, calling you

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out on things you know, making fun of you a

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little bit, trying to like, oh, come on, I was

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just kidding. You're not old. You know, you just look

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like my grandfather. But you're not old. You know, you

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just need to lose twenty pounds. You're not fat. You know,

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you just don't look like you're really put together. It's okay,

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we'll get through it. You're fine, You're fine. I'm here.

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I mean, what happened if you didn't have me? I mean,

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at least I'm here, you know. Now. The interesting thing

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is that they seek sympathy and attention, and so they're

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gonna seek this. They're gonna also like talk about their suffering, okay,

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like how much they're suffering. And the interesting thing about

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the covert narcissists is they make everybody around them suffer

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so much. They are the most painful people besides malignant

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narcissists to be around. Period. They're painful, they're self centered,

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they are just so painful to be around. And you

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were doing all the suffering, okay in the process, but

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they're talking about their personal suffrage and then you have

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to listen to it. And anytime you bring up anything

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about your suffering or your pain subject is changed. They

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walk into another room, maybe they give you this silent treatment,

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they pour a drink, maybe they leave, Maybe they just

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decide to walk out. And that's something that we have

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to look at and understand completely because they might decide that, oh,

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I don't want to even hear it. Anytime you bring

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up your suffering or your pain is going to be

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a problem for them. Now, they rarely take responsibility for

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their behavior, their outburst, and they don't take responsibility for

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what they do and don't do. Literally, it's very interesting.

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It's like you have literally gone into a relationship with

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a petulant child that is not going to take any responsibility,

250
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not take responsibility for anything that they've done not done,

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not take any responsibility for their behavior, not take any

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responsibility for the things they haven't done. And then they're

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going to turn it around on a constant basis and

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figure out how to directly blame you, because you are

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to blame and they figured it out, so it's not

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just see. So the thing that a lot of people

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don't realize is they think, Okay, you know this is

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all about me, this relationship, this person. No, they've been

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blaming everybody their whole life. You're just new to the show.

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You just showed up on this new series. There's been

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I don't know, I mean, how many you know, I

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don't know how many series they've bid it at all,

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these types of episodes. But you are new and you're

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in a new episode with them. This relationship is a

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new episode with them, and so you're the new character

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on the block. Now there's a new person that can

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be blamed for the situation, a new person. And guess

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what that's you. So now mom and Dad's no longer blamed,

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brother and sister, family, dynamic, aunt and uncle, grandma and grandpa,

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the work environment, the college, the high school, the teachers,

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the nurse, the psychologist. Nobody else is now being you know,

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brutalized and being and going through this process. Now you

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have taken center stage, especially if you are in a

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relationship with this person, living with them full time, married

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to them. So they're not taking responsibility, and they're gonna

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blame everybody else, especially you, for their unhappiness. And the

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interesting thing is they don't have to do anything, they

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don't want to do anything. They're not trying to do anything.

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They're not trying to wake up, they're not trying to

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do anything to change their life or make their life better.

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They just want to blame other people so they don't

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have to ever do anything. That has been their construct

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from day one. Okay, so how does a covert narcissist appear?

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Because I know that many of you say, Wow, this

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is all hitting home. This is starting to hit home.

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The awareness pieces are coming in, and you might not

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be married to it. This could be a mother, This

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could be a father, a brother or sister, could be

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a friend of yours that you've really confided in, and

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you're starting to see these signs and symptoms. Maybe E've

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ben seeing it for a while, but you just thought, oh,

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you know, they've just had a hard life or you

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know they've been through a lot or whatever. Story we're

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gonna say around the concept. And so what we see it,

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how we see it appear is this low self esteem, right,

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a low self esteem and outwardly it looks like, oh,

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they're the underdog, you know, this kind of thing. And

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they also tell us their SOB story, so that started

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in the relationship, which made you feel bad for them initially.

300
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There's also it looks like a lot of social anxiety

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or different types of anxiety, internalized anxiety, lots of anxiety

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because they're anxious because they're not a true person. There's

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not enough self awareness to actually be a solid person

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in that body, So there's a lot of anxiety. It

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might appear shy, you see, I'm saying it might appear

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as depression, but that's not the case. It's that moodiness.

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It's that that shyness is not shyness. What is the shyness.

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It's superior. I don't want to talk to you. You're

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so beneath me. I'm not even gonna speak to you.

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So that looks like shyness, But what it really is

311
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is they are literally thinking about each person they see,

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making judgment calls, judging people, putting them down in their head. Also,

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it might appear overly sensitive. Well yeah, it might appear

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anytime you ever say hey, they're not doing perfect and

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they're not the most amazing person in the world. They

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cannot take criticism. They cannot take criticism because they have this.

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They don't even have a sense of self. It's beyond

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a fragile sense of self. This is just literally this

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this whatever, this construct of this human type thing that

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has gotten away with absolutely no self awareness and has

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played people throughout their life in this desire to control

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other people, and they continue to do that. And a

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lot of times, what happens with these covert narcissists, and

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this might be an AHA moment for you, is if

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you're married to it, in a relationship with it, and

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it's not a family member, and you go and meet

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the family for the first time, and it's interesting how

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people will literally bend over backwards do whatever needs to

329
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be done for this person, kissing their butt, very very

330
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insane type things that you don't understand. But when you

331
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sit back and you realize they have been fighting this

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and dealing with this person for a lifetime. If it's

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a brother, sister, or mother or father, they are trying

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to deal with this person. They don't take responsibility. They

335
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blame other people. They've been literally put into this shame

336
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situation where they don't know how to get out of it.

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They're very unhappy with the situation. They don't know how

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to deal with it. And most of the time they

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act like they're close to their family, but they're not.

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The family sometimes might even be scared of them in

341
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a way, in an odd way where they don't speak up,

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and they let this person be the baby. They let

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this person get away with no responsibility, like when they

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come back home. It's interesting to watch how everybody and

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some people will be very apprehensive or not even connect

346
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with them at all on purpose because they've had enough.

347
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But then you have the other people that are still

348
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babying and kissing their butt, And that's a very interesting

349
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dynamic too, because what's happened here is they don't know

350
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what to do with anymore. Because once a covert narcissist

351
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gets to a certain level, they're absolutely painful to be around.

352
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They will turn every common around. They will make you

353
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question everything, They will question everything you say. They won't

354
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take responsibility, they will not take any responsibility. They won't

355
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even tell you that they want to go to eat

356
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or do anything because they want you to make the decision,

357
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and then they want to be able to call out

358
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your decision for a problem. Everything that you choose there

359
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will be a problem. Everything that you select, every person

360
00:20:57.279 --> 00:21:00.440
you speak to is a problem. Every friend you have

361
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is a horrible friend. Every relationship that you're in outside

362
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of that relationship needs to be terminated. You know, everything

363
00:21:09.480 --> 00:21:14.400
is judged by this person, which is interesting that they

364
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have nothing really going on in their life. So it's

365
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almost like this fragmented individual. I can't even call them

366
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an individual, this fragmented soul kind of being. I think

367
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there might be a soul, maybe not, I don't know.

368
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Now At this point, when you're dealing with these types

369
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of people, I don't think people are not all people

370
00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:38.480
are equal at all, Not all souls are equal. Into story, Okay,

371
00:21:38.519 --> 00:21:41.720
that's just the way it is. But when you're dealing

372
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with this type of person, you're dealing with somebody that

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doesn't really have a life, and so what they do

374
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is they become the full on critic of everybody else.

375
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Like they're living on the sidelines. They're not living, they

376
00:21:58.720 --> 00:22:02.000
don't really have a life. They've done some stuff maybe

377
00:22:02.039 --> 00:22:04.000
in their life or going to school or done something,

378
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but they use that old stuff that they did and

379
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they capitalize on that and they define themselves by things

380
00:22:11.160 --> 00:22:12.720
like that, even though they haven't done that in a

381
00:22:12.759 --> 00:22:14.279
long time. And we don't even know if all of

382
00:22:14.279 --> 00:22:18.599
this is actually accurate or true. It's just what they

383
00:22:18.640 --> 00:22:23.400
tell us. And because they're questioning your reality so much,

384
00:22:23.559 --> 00:22:27.640
you don't question their reality. You're too busy over explaining

385
00:22:27.680 --> 00:22:30.440
yourself all the time. I mean, it's interesting how you

386
00:22:30.599 --> 00:22:33.400
also have a tendency of over explaining, but you're also

387
00:22:33.480 --> 00:22:36.960
going back into the recesses of your mind from the

388
00:22:37.000 --> 00:22:40.079
past relationship, Like in that relationship in the beginning of

389
00:22:40.079 --> 00:22:43.480
the relationship is what I'm talking about, where you're like

390
00:22:43.920 --> 00:22:46.200
kind of going back and forth in this ether of

391
00:22:46.359 --> 00:22:48.559
how it used to be in the beginning, and why

392
00:22:48.599 --> 00:22:51.599
can't we get back there and thinking maybe if I

393
00:22:51.680 --> 00:22:55.359
say this or do this, we'll get back there. But

394
00:22:55.480 --> 00:22:59.200
you're never getting back there. And the reason why you're

395
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never getting back there is because back there was never real.

396
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