The Undercover Secret Type of Narcissism Revealed & Explained [Ep.815]

0:01 You're in a good place now. You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Welcome back to the Ashley Burgess Podcast. On today's podcast, I would like to discuss a hidden type of narcissism, a hidden type of narcissism that many of us don't even know exists, and it goes under the radar. And these types of narcissists weaponize one thing, your fear, whatever that fear is, they weaponize it to use it for their advantage. Let's discuss what type of narcissism that is today. Who are most susceptible to this type of narcissism, the signs and symptoms of this type of narcissism, and way till the end of the podcast, because I will be talking about how it ends up showing up in relationships and the outcomes that it has when you deal with this type of narcissist. Okay, they weaponize fear. What type of narcissism weaponizes fear goes under cover?

0:59 Is not your over narcissism that self center, everybody knows them, ego driven, center of attention, center of the party. No, that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about what covert narcissism, covert undercover narcissism. The people you would never expect to be narcissist ding meaning is what we're talking about on today's podcast. So, who were most susceptible to this type of narcissism. Well, codependency anybody that came from a codependent a relationship with a family dynamic where you were codependent with a mother or father. You dealt with that, You learned that type of situation because there were issues in the family dynamic. You had to accept mom's issues, dad's issues. Most of the time, there was no responsibility being taken and you had to overlook these types of things because you were the child. And that has gone and segued into all your other relationships, every romantic relationship as well as personal, professional relationship and friendship relationship.

1:59 Also anyone with certain fears, fear of being alone. If you have a fear of being alone, you are definitely susceptible to this type of narcissism, no joke, because they will play on your emotions, they will prey on the situation. What about the fear of abandonment, being abandoned by somebody. Oftentimes when you have a fear of being abandoned. You'll take on mostly anybody. You don't really think about it, and you overlook the red flags almost on purpose because you think I can make them better. It's kind it's kind of a combination of overlooking it because of the fear, but also that codependency of I can take this on, I can make them better, I can help them, and the fear of living alone. Many people would rather not live alone no matter what. So it's not about the person they're living with. They just want to have like a living body there, somebody that's there, even if they have to deal with pain and suffering of that person. Now, don't forget you'll want to stay at the end of this podcast, because I'm actually reviewing the outcomes of these people, how these covert narcissists turn up in life no matter what, how they actually kind of go through life, and the outcomes for these people, because once you understand the outcomes, you realize what you're dealing with. Now, remember, they will weaponize any type of fear to stay in the relationship and to do the bare minimum. Now, how does a relationship with a covert narcissist appear in the beginning. Well, that's a good question. They appear helpful almost overly there.

3:33 They're there a lot, always there for you. It's almost like you've met this great person that is giving you all this attension and all this compassion, and it's like, wow, where has this person been on my life? All this attention. One of the things that I find as a caveat though, that's very important, as these people will make these sacrifices in the beginning of the relationship. They'll make sacrifices, and they're going to tell you about these sacrifices. Now, it's not going to be like overly talked about. It'll just be saying, hey, I didn't do this because of you needing that. And then they just let it go like instead of you know, me taking care of my family or doing this, I'll take care of you. I'll help you.

4:14 And they let it go very quickly, and you think, Wow, this person's really making sacrifices for our relationship and for me, and that feels really good and I haven't had that growing up, And wow, this person's probably a keeper. But I want you to remember, this sacrifice will be brought up until the end of time and if You're in a situation right now where somebody has just made a sacrifice for you and they told you kind of just you know, just briefly, wasn't a big deal that is going to come back around and bite you. Because what happens here is that's the setup. I'm making this sacrifice for you, and eventually you're going to be indebted to me because I've done something for you, you owe me. How does it appear in the beginning, again, a lot of love bombing. Remember you have all this attention. They're overly there.

5:07 They seem to be carrying more than anybody you've been around. There's probably some sex, you know, they're probably some you know, there's some sex, there's connection. You're like, wow, I never experienced this. Now. You don't know that this is going to dry up at some point, but you're participating, thinking, Wow, this is the best relationship I've ever had. I mean, and it's really unusual because it's any time, any place, whatever you want, and it's it's very interesting because there's a lot of reasons for that, and we'll talk about it later, but this is a way of pulling you even closer in. There's a lot of admiration. There's also a very quick relationship. It's very quick. They want to quickly move through this relationship. And many of you might feel some red flags on this, But because of the admiration and the sex and the love bombing and all this stuff, you so, I'm just gonna overlook that, it's not that big of a deal. I mean, they're just in love, you know, they made this sacrifice and they're in love, and we're in love, and this is a perfect person on paper for me to be with. This is it. This is the end all be all. I've met my soulmate. So what kind of narcissists is this, Well, it's a covert narcissist. We know about the overt narcissists, you can spot them immediately. Very different. Now, much like the overt narcissists who sees people as disposable and they can use them for what they need, so do covert narcissists.

6:33 Covert narcissists see people as stepping stones, but just kind of in a different way. They don't want to take responsibility, they don't want to be honest. There's a lot of don't want from a covert narcissist. So let's talk about the signs of covert narcissism. The first and the biggest one is that they played the victim in almost every conflict, every situation known to man. So they are constantly the victim. Something is happening to them, somebody has hurt them. Your actions, attitudes, what you did do, what you didn't do somehow or not has hurt them someow. And so they're going to make you feel bad for that. But see the way that it shows up in the beginning is like this person is, Oh, they're depressed or they've had a hard life, and a lot of times they'll come with these sad stories.

7:25 And I think that most people have some tough stories. I've been doing this for a long time. A lot of my clients have tough and sad and painful stories. Okay, so the covert narciss says, it's sometimes what happens when you're in a relationship with them, especially if you have fears, and especially if there's a code of penit tendency or at a pennit tendency. You start taking on these things, you start feeling super bad. You start giving them a pass for the things that they're doing. Okaying this type of behavior when it's not correct and it's not healthy. So they're going to play the victim no matter what. That is the top card. Second, they're going to hold grudges forever, not just a long time, forever, even past the time that the person has died. They will still hold the grudge. That goes back to my terminology that I invented about ten years ago, which was forever ammunition.

8:19 Whatever you did throughout this relationship will be recalled after the love bombing phase, until the time that you end the relationship or until the time that you have died. There's no other option. So they will hold a grudge anything that you've ever done that they feel is wrong, that you have wronged them, hurt them, done them wrong. They will bring it up, and some of them will bring it up over and over again. Some will bring it up on a daily basis, some will bring it up on an hourly basis, some will bring it up on a weekly basis. But they're going to remind you, and some of them will actually put it in order of everything that happened, even back to the wedding day. It could even start it prior to the wedding day.

9:02 It could even been on the first date something you did. They will hold a grudge. They will be the victim of everything that you've done to them. They will use guilt to influence you. They will use guilt turn it on you, make you feel bad for whatever it is you've done, to allow them to do whatever they want to do, to give them a pass. And you don't realize this because you're still dealing with this guilt. You got all this stuff going on that you haven't dealt with, and they're tapping into that because in the beginning, you told them a lot of things that you should not have told them. You gave them the keys to the lock box, thinking that they were a safe person to be around. They're not safe. You told them about x's, you told them about past relationships, You told them about everything, and they began to weaponize it over a period of time. Now, they waited until they got with you. They waited until they got in a position that would be very hard to eliminate them. Whether you've had children with them, or you're married and about to have children, or whatever. They're living with you, it's a full time relationship. At this point, they appear humble to people. They appear, you know, this humble, sweet person, but really they actually feel like they're superior to every single person that they come into contact with.

10:24 And they definitely think that they're superior to you. They actually mock you in their own heads. And it's funny because they mock you, and they will once the love bombing period is over with, they will begin to mock you, make fun of you, call you out, to call you names, tell you things like you look old, or you look this or that, or you need to lose weight or whatever it is. But they are highly sensitive to criticism. They can't handle any criticism, and if you criticize them normally, they will use the ability to cry on Q to get you to stop. They'll cry, but they're actually crying. It's not real tears. It's this crazy, covert, narcissistic way of making you feel bad. So they start crying like, oh, I've really pushed it. I've said things I shouldn't. I pushed them to the edge. That was a bad thing, and I was mean. I was mean, And so you start questioning your reality, you start questioning what you're saying.

11:22 You start feeling super bad about even having them take any responsibility because they're either crying, or they're being snarky, or they're being just downright mean. Now. Also a lot of times they give you the silent treatment. Okay, so they'll give you the silent treatment. They'll be passive aggressive, and their behavior anytime you try to talk to them about anything that actually matters. They're not going to talk to you about anything that actually matters, okay, especially if it has to do with something they have not done. They don't want to talk about it. They want to talk about what you have not done. So they will make subtle digs and backhanded comments to you. A lot of you know, they what do they call it, word salad. Well, they'll start manipulating and controlling you and making you feel bad and diluting your theory of yourself and making you question your reality, make you question your value. All those things happening, which is a very interesting dynamic. And so as these things are happening, you begin to question yourself, making yourself more susceptible to the situation in this relationship, making you more uneasy, more sensitive. So as they began to you know, mess with you, creating digs, calling you out on things you know, making fun of you a little bit, trying to like, oh, come on, I was just kidding. You're not old. You know, you just look

12:54 like my grandfather. But you're not old. You know, you just need to lose twenty pounds. You're not fat. You know, you just don't look like you're really put together. It's okay, we'll get through it. You're fine, You're fine. I'm here. I mean, what happened if you didn't have me? I mean, at least I'm here, you know. Now. The interesting thing is that they seek sympathy and attention, and so they're gonna seek this. They're gonna also like talk about their suffering, okay, like how much they're suffering. And the interesting thing about the covert narcissists is they make everybody around them suffer so much. They are the most painful people besides malignant narcissists to be around. Period. They're painful, they're self centered, they are just so painful to be around. And you were doing all the suffering, okay in the process, but they're talking about their personal suffrage and then you have to listen to it. And anytime you bring up anything about your suffering or your pain subject is changed. They walk into another room, maybe they give you this silent treatment, they pour a drink, maybe they leave, Maybe they just decide to walk out. And that's something that we have to look at and understand completely because they might decide that, oh, I don't want to even hear it. Anytime you bring up your suffering or your pain is going to be a problem for them. Now, they rarely take responsibility for their behavior, their outburst, and they don't take responsibility for

14:26 what they do and don't do. Literally, it's very interesting. It's like you have literally gone into a relationship with a petulant child that is not going to take any responsibility, not take responsibility for anything that they've done not done, not take any responsibility for their behavior, not take any responsibility for the things they haven't done. And then they're going to turn it around on a constant basis and figure out how to directly blame you, because you are to blame and they figured it out, so it's not just see. So the thing that a lot of people don't realize is they think, Okay, you know this is all about me, this relationship, this person. No, they've been blaming everybody their whole life. You're just new to the show.

15:15 You just showed up on this new series. There's been I don't know, I mean, how many you know, I don't know how many series they've bid it at all, these types of episodes. But you are new and you're in a new episode with them. This relationship is a new episode with them, and so you're the new character on the block. Now there's a new person that can be blamed for the situation, a new person. And guess what that's you. So now mom and Dad's no longer blamed, brother and sister, family, dynamic, aunt and uncle, grandma and grandpa, the work environment, the college, the high school, the teachers, the nurse, the psychologist. Nobody else is now being you know, brutalized and being and going through this process. Now you have taken center stage, especially if you are in a relationship with this person, living with them full time, married to them. So they're not taking responsibility, and they're gonna blame everybody else, especially you, for their unhappiness. And the interesting thing is they don't have to do anything, they don't want to do anything. They're not trying to do anything.

16:18 They're not trying to wake up, they're not trying to do anything to change their life or make their life better. They just want to blame other people so they don't have to ever do anything. That has been their construct from day one. Okay, so how does a covert narcissist appear? Because I know that many of you say, Wow, this is all hitting home. This is starting to hit home. The awareness pieces are coming in, and you might not be married to it. This could be a mother, This could be a father, a brother or sister, could be a friend of yours that you've really confided in, and you're starting to see these signs and symptoms. Maybe E've ben seeing it for a while, but you just thought, oh, you know, they've just had a hard life or you know they've been through a lot or whatever. Story we're gonna say around the concept. And so what we see it, how we see it appear is this low self esteem, right, a low self esteem and outwardly it looks like, oh, they're the underdog, you know, this kind of thing. And they also tell us their SOB story, so that started in the relationship, which made you feel bad for them initially.

17:29 There's also it looks like a lot of social anxiety or different types of anxiety, internalized anxiety, lots of anxiety because they're anxious because they're not a true person. There's not enough self awareness to actually be a solid person in that body, So there's a lot of anxiety. It might appear shy, you see, I'm saying it might appear as depression, but that's not the case. It's that moodiness. It's that that shyness is not shyness. What is the shyness. It's superior. I don't want to talk to you. You're so beneath me. I'm not even gonna speak to you. So that looks like shyness, But what it really is is they are literally thinking about each person they see, making judgment calls, judging people, putting them down in their head. Also, it might appear overly sensitive. Well yeah, it might appear anytime you ever say hey, they're not doing perfect and they're not the most amazing person in the world. They cannot take criticism. They cannot take criticism because they have this.

18:31 They don't even have a sense of self. It's beyond a fragile sense of self. This is just literally this this whatever, this construct of this human type thing that has gotten away with absolutely no self awareness and has played people throughout their life in this desire to control other people, and they continue to do that. And a lot of times, what happens with these covert narcissists, and this might be an AHA moment for you, is if you're married to it, in a relationship with it, and it's not a family member, and you go and meet the family for the first time, and it's interesting how people will literally bend over backwards do whatever needs to be done for this person, kissing their butt, very very insane type things that you don't understand. But when you sit back and you realize they have been fighting this and dealing with this person for a lifetime. If it's a brother, sister, or mother or father, they are trying to deal with this person. They don't take responsibility. They blame other people. They've been literally put into this shame situation where they don't know how to get out of it.

19:40 They're very unhappy with the situation. They don't know how to deal with it. And most of the time they act like they're close to their family, but they're not. The family sometimes might even be scared of them in a way, in an odd way where they don't speak up, and they let this person be the baby. They let this person get away with no responsibility, like when they come back home. It's interesting to watch how everybody and some people will be very apprehensive or not even connect with them at all on purpose because they've had enough. But then you have the other people that are still babying and kissing their butt, And that's a very interesting dynamic too, because what's happened here is they don't know what to do with anymore. Because once a covert narcissist gets to a certain level, they're absolutely painful to be around.

20:32 They will turn every common around. They will make you question everything, They will question everything you say. They won't take responsibility, they will not take any responsibility. They won't even tell you that they want to go to eat or do anything because they want you to make the decision, and then they want to be able to call out your decision for a problem. Everything that you choose there will be a problem. Everything that you select, every person you speak to is a problem. Every friend you have is a horrible friend. Every relationship that you're in outside of that relationship needs to be terminated. You know, everything is judged by this person, which is interesting that they have nothing really going on in their life. So it's almost like this fragmented individual. I can't even call them an individual, this fragmented soul kind of being. I think there might be a soul, maybe not, I don't know.

21:29 Now At this point, when you're dealing with these types of people, I don't think people are not all people are equal at all, Not all souls are equal. Into story, Okay, that's just the way it is. But when you're dealing with this type of person, you're dealing with somebody that doesn't really have a life, and so what they do is they become the full on critic of everybody else. Like they're living on the sidelines. They're not living, they don't really have a life. They've done some stuff maybe in their life or going to school or done something, but they use that old stuff that they did and they capitalize on that and they define themselves by things like that, even though they haven't done that in a long time. And we don't even know if all of this is actually accurate or true. It's just what they tell us. And because they're questioning your reality so much, you don't question their reality. You're too busy over explaining yourself all the time. I mean, it's interesting how you also have a tendency of over explaining, but you're also going back into the recesses of your mind from the past relationship, Like in that relationship in the beginning of the relationship is what I'm talking about, where you're like kind of going back and forth in this ether of how it used to be in the beginning, and why can't we get back there and thinking maybe if I say this or do this, we'll get back there. But you're never getting back there. And the reason why you're never getting back there is because back there was never real.

23:05 The beginning of the relationship with a covert narcissist is not real. It's fake, and so there is no going back to the beginning that was fake. The person that you're dealing with now that is making you overly question yourself and wonder about what's up and being gas lid and manipulated, that is the true person. That is who they are, no question. And so when you're dealing with these people, the problem is we have to eliminate that ghost from the beginning, the ghost that wasn't real. You have to eliminate that, and that can be hard for many people because you know, you kind of created this narrative.

23:49 So think about it. In the beginning of a relationship with a covert narcissist, you created this reality of this person. You created this narrative in your head. You created this relationship, you know, and you made it so great and there was all this love bombing and connection and wonderful stuff. And when it started changing, you were still living in that high. But it wasn't until it started getting really different that you started realizing something had really changed. But the problem is you're not really looking at the truth. You're trying to get back to that beginning stage, not realizing that the beginning stage was never any sort of truth. It was fakery. It was a persona to get you to make a decision in a relationship, to bring you in, to marry someone, to move someone in, to give someone power in your life. And once they got that power in your life, they used your fear and weaponized it against you to keep you in this fear factor where you feel overwhelmed and can't let the relationship go. And so I want you to think about this, and I'm glad that you've been able to stick through this podcast because I want to talk about how these signs, like all this stuff we talked about, how it morphs and changes and what's the outcome of a covert narcissist. So what is the outcome of a covert narcissist? How does their life look? Well, first off, they're always looking down at everyone, So your life with a covert narcissist is

25:21 going to be a very lonely life unless you leave the covert narcissists or have boundaries, because they're going to find ways of making you disconnect from every relationship you have in your life. That's what they're going to look for. That's what they're going to do. And they're going to whittle it down, whittle it down, whittle it down, and you'll let go of some people. But they're going to go after the big people like they're going to go after your mom or your dad, or your best friend or a business partner. They're going to go after all of them, not just one. Now, they're going to go after all of them, but it's going to be in a certain succession because they want you themselves. They want you to be by yourself so then they can control you.

26:04 So remember, a covert narcissist wants you to be by yourself so they can control and manipulate you and be the only person in your ear. Because if you have other people to get advice from and you start talking to them about your situation, they're going to start asking you questions. You're going to start seeing the red flags. You're going to realize that you're better than this relationship. You're also going to realize how toxic this relationship is. You're also going to realize how little this other person has taken responsibility in their own life, and how they've actually judged you for everything you've done in your own life, making you feel bad, but somehow keeping you in this container of toxicity. They belittle your experiences and situations on purpose.

26:54 So let's say you're a really good person with people, or you're really good at a trade or an ability. They're going to be little that they're going to try to make fun of you. They're going to try to take anything that you do good and beat it down because they have to bring you down to their size because you know, even though they have this thought of how great they are, they're not great. It's all in their head. They're not going to make any decisions. A covert narcissist will not make any decisions. And the reasons why they will not make decisions is because they want you to be the one to make the decision, so you can be the one that they can blame and they can find fault in you, make fun of you, judge you, and do it over and over again in a cycle pattern. Because as long as they don't make a decision, they're not the ones to blame. And that's the interesting part of this dynamic. They don't do things to help you. They're not going to make your life easier.

27:57 So if doing household chores or or picking up groceries or picking up the laundry, or taking care of something for a family member, if that would be helpful for you, they're not going to do that. They're going to make life very unhelpful for you because remember, they want all your attention. They don't want you talking to other people, hanging out with other people, spending time with other people, even if it's family or friends. They don't want you to do that, so they're going to try to cut you from everybody, cuts you out, cuts you away from everybody, because again they know deep down that if anybody knows the truth about the relationship, they're going to tell you.

28:44 And over time, anybody that has any self respect will begin to say, I got to get out of this. This has literally changed my life in such a negative way. I have got to move on. Also, one last thing that's super important. They become the adult child in your life that you have to raise that is not your child. So no matter what they've told you, no matter what's on paper, no matter what, you will be raising them because again, they're not going to take responsibility. They don't feel like they need to. They feel like you should be indebted to them because even though they are like a shell of a person, they've created a false narrative to think that, you know, you're just lucky to have them.

29:38 And if they can make you and convince you that what they think is true, that you're lucky to have them, they don't need to do anything. And this is the key concept that I want you to really think about. And if you're in a relationship with this type of person, or you're in a family dynamic, maybe you were raised by a covert narcissist and you're just now realizing it, or you've been thinking about it, but you're like this podcast confirmed it. Maybe you're in a friendship with a covert narcissist that has been making your life a living hell, and you're just now realizing that every time you leave those conversations, you feel beaten down, you feel terrible, you feel sad, you feel depressed, you feel negative. All these things par for the course is an awareness piece for you that I think can be very helpful. And it's time to find a way out. And it's time to realize that the gas lighting, the manipulation, the name calling, the putdowns, we're all to keep them around. Is if you believe that you're lesser than them, then they can keep you around. The problem is they can't let you find out the truth because if you begin to realize that they bring you nothing in your life, zero zilch, nothing, then you will eventually let them go. The point is that they have to create this, and if they are not bringing anything to your life, they have to make it so painful for you to even have a conversation

31:08 with them that you just dismiss it. You become avoidant in your own life, so you go home you're avoidant, you don't say anything, you deal with it. But for you, it's time to think about what to do. Because the last thing we need in our camp, especially somebody that we've been telling our deepest secrets, our personal stuff, our real true feelings, our fears. You know, if we've been sharing that with a covert narcissist, we've been sharing that with somebody that is only going to be an enemy to us and probably already has. And life is, we don't need that in life. We need to find people that we can feel secure and feel helped, and we give and we help and they feel secure around us.

31:52 And it's not this type of interaction that's where we become free in our life. But again, if you're dealing with fear, fear of anxiety, fear of a fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of living alone, those are things that you need to handle on. You need to get a handle on those things. Those are things that I work with my clients with on a day to day basis. If you can get a handle on those things, that's what we can do to change and see the truth more. Because I believe that the fear is your smoke screen that's not allowing you to see or actually connect with the truth that you already know exists, but you're not angry about it yet. You're still seeing it, but you don't realize that it can change if we can remove this fear. I hope that the concept about the hidden narcissist, the covert narcissist, who they become and their symptoms signs but who they become, has been helpful for you. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the YouTube channel. Go to YouTube go to life Coach Ashley Burgess.

32:57 We put up new video content every week, multiple times a week, and so if you're not already subscribed, please subscribe, and in the meantime, share this podcast if you can with somebody that needs to hear it. If this is you that needs to hear it, listen to it again. Go to the gym, walk through whatever, put on your headphones, put on your earbuds, and listen to it again. It'll be helpful for you to really have that aha moment multiple times so you can prepare to figure out what's best for you in the meantime. Thank you for listening to the Ashley Burgess podcast. And don't forget to work on living your true life.