July 14, 2026

The Relationship with a Narcissist Explained and Deconstructed [EP: 817]

Show Notes
Transcript

Why do narcissistic relationships feel so incredible in the beginning and so painful later? In this episode, Ashley breaks down the cycle of narcissistic relationships, from love bombing, idealization to devaluation, gaslighting, receiving the silent treatment, and emotional control. Discover why we stay, why we try to get. back the beginning of the relationship, people stay, and why the beginning was not real. Learn how childhood conditioning, codependency, borderline personality disorder, and trauma bonds can keep you stuck. Most importantly, awareness is the first step toward breaking free and reclaiming your life.

#narcissisticrelationships #narcissisticabuse #narcissism #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #BPD #lovebombing #gaslighting #emotionalabuse #codependency #traumahealing #toxicrelationships #selfawareness #narcissist

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WEBVTT

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You're in a good place.

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Now you are listening to perspectives with Ashley Burgers.

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On today's episode of the Abshlete Burgess Podcast, I will

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be deconstructing the narcissistic relationship. When you get into a

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relationship with a narcissist, a romantic relationship. This is how

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it goes. This is the process. Very rarely does it

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go off this path. This path is generally the path.

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It's almost like most narcissists get this handbook. They get

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this handbook, and then they practice this type of behavior

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and it seems to happen across the board. It's almost

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like they're all in the same class. Now, I'm not

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saying that every type of narcissism is the same. Obviously

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we have overt, we have covert, we have malignant, So

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it's not the same. Oh, I'm generalizing the concept of narcissism.

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How these narcissistic relationships really go. And I'm talking mainly

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about overt narcissists, but also about covert narcissists because I

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think that many of you would not get into a

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relationship with someone that appeared to be an overt, over

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the top narcissist. I think that many of you got

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into a relationship with somebody that was wearing a mask,

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somebody that was not being who they really were. They

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were putting on this facade for you to connect with them,

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to get close with them, to believe that they're on

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your side, to believe that they know you, all those

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good things, and then eventually you realize that's out the case.

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But unfortunately, for many people, you don't know about some

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of the terminology, or you might know a situation, but

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you don't know what that means. So you know this

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is happening, but you don't really have a pinpoint word

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for it or understanding the process or being able to

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say this is what's happening in the situation, because maybe

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you haven't had that much experience or you haven't been

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exposed to it that much.

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And I think that we really.

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Can't safeguard ourselves in situations that are toxic until we

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understand what type of situation we're in, what type of

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toxicity it is, and how to overcome it, because we

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really can't do with it. Otherwise, we can say I

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think there's something wrong, or I think this person's self centered,

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or I think it's this, or I think it's that.

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But when we finally figure out what it really is,

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then we can actually put connecting the dots and putting

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the pieces and putting the data points together. Okay, So

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how does a relationship look with somebody that has narcissistic

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tendencies covert narcissistic tendencies? What does that look like? And

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how does it begin? Well, the beginning is very different

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than how it becomes. So the very beginning is the

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honeymoon stage that was never real, the honeymoon stage that

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was never real. It had no reality, no basis in reality.

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And the problem with having no basis in reality, this

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fantasy world, this fantasy beginning, is because the fantasy wasn't

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ever real. Okay, So unfortunately, we look toward that time

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in the relationship hoping we could get that time back,

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but we're really hoping for something that really didn't truly exist.

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It existed, but it really didn't exist. It's almost like

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a miraw. It's like you know there's something there, but

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that wasn't necessarily the truth. And then that began to

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change and augment very quickly, and eventually we're left with XYZ.

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So at the beginning of it is interesting because there's

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a lot of idolization, there's a lot of putting a

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person on a pedestal, there's a lot of making this

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one person feel really good. And usually what I find though,

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is the codependent, for the most part, is the perfect

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puzzle piece for the narcissist, the absolute perfect puzzle piece

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for the narcissus. Also, I find that borderline people with

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borderline personality disorder can also be a good puzzle piece

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for the narcissist. And there's reasons for that. First off,

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the codependent is going to put the other person first,

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and we'll get happiness because the other person is happy.

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They'll get happiness from doing things for other people because

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they've been trained that that's the only way that they

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should be happy. And we'll do a deep dive in

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codependency here in another podcast, because I wanted to find

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what codependency looks like. No, it is not in the DSM.

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Is it real?

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Yes, just because it's not in the DSM doesn't mean

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it's not real. Okay, So let's just sometimes some things

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that are in the DSM, you know, are they are

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they completely as is? I don't know. There's a lot

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of questions there. There's a lot of definitions for things

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that might not necessarily have specific definitions as they've defined.

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Some things can be very fluid. But let's go back

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to the concept of idolization. So in the beginning, the

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narciss is going to idolize the other person. They're going

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to make them feel incredibly good. They're going to give

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them a bunch of attention, which we call love bombing.

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Many of you are very familiar with being love bombed

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or the concept of love bombing. Right. It's when somebody's

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giving you all these attentions, all this compliment, all this affection,

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all this self, all one time, and for the most part,

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it feels really good. Right.

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So it's whether.

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You're codependent or with codependent tendencies and you haven't had

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this type of attention. Maybe you haven't felt this type

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of attention, you haven't been given this type of attention,

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so it feels really good, and it's.

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Like, wow, Maybe it's not that soulmate.

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You know, now I understand what people talk about with soulmates,

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and maybe there's it's not just all you know jib jab.

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Maybe there is some truth to it.

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Maybe there is fairy tale relationships and this is what

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makes those relationships seem real. Is this time of the relationship,

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this beginning part of the relationship is what makes this

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feel real. It's what people like, go, oh my gosh,

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this is a fairy tale romance. It's a whirlwind romance.

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This is what this is about. Because WorldWind romances and

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fairy tale romances don't last, okay, And I'm just here

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to say that. Unfortunately, after years and years of working

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with my clients and thousands and thousands of clients and relationships,

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and also I have friends and you know, family dynamic

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as well, so I can I have access to a

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lot of people to know that that doesn't really exist.

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Now in the beginning, it can appear that way, and

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I think many of us want that, But unfortunately, Hollywood

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and their spells and their stuff is very different than reality,

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and sometimes we think that that's what reality is like,

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even though it's not so. In the idolization stage, there's

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a pedestal stage where the other person's put on the pedestal.

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They're made to feel really good, a lot of affection,

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a lot of attention, a lot of sex, a lot

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of all that, and you finally feel like somebody understands you.

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Gets you soul made all that stuff, and you begin

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to get more and more invested in this relationship, spending

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more time with them, almost inseparable with them, and that's

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exactly what they want, because they want to separate you

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from the tribe, separate you from family members. You don't

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know that though, but they don't really want you around

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anybody because they're almost like brainwashing you.

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And to me, it feels like brainwashing. It's almost like a.

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Cult right where they get you away, they put you,

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they sequester you, you get all this like friends of the cult.

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Everything's good, everybody's spending time with you. You're the number

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one person, You're everybody's favorite, you know what I'm saying,

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And then you're in doctrine into this cult. Well, it's

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kind of similar because the narcissist is basically creating this facade,

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this false narrative, so that you begin to tell them everything.

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The things that you haven't even told anybody else in

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your life. You begin to tell this person, which is

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very interesting. You even give things that you would never

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tell anybody, telling them some of your deepest secrets, some

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of the things you've never expressed to somebody. And so

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you actually begin to trust this person with your life,

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basically your life. Okay, so you're trusting this person that's

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giving you all this attention basically with your life, and

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you're allowing this to happen, and you don't really know

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what's going on. You're just feeling really good and this

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person has all this attention for you, and you know

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they're listening to things that you're talking about that other

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people haven't listened to. They're giving you this attention with

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the other people in the past have not given you attention.

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Maybe you came out of a marriage that you know

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your wife or spouse wasn't listening to you about work,

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and this person's listening to everything you have to say

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about work. They're spending all this time with you, they're

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doing all these things. You're like, wow, well I can

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trust them with anything. Okay, Well that's that's wrong. But

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I'll talk about that here in a bit, because this

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whole concept is devised to be able to get you

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to let your guard down, specifically for a long period

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of time, so that they get all this information, get

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everything from you, and then they can turn it on you.

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So what we have here is we have the situation

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where you're feeling really great, You're feeling like you're on

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cloud nine. Things are perfect. It's this fairy tale, fantasy

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vacation thing. I mean, it's just amazing. And you begin

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to get very attached, You get very emotionally invested in

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the situation, completely invested in the situation, and you begin

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to trust them and you begin to envision a future

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with them.

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Now.

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At the same time, the narcissist is definitely telling you

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about the future that they want with you. They're even

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giving you a lot of future thoughts and plans, and

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some of these plans are quite long term plans, marriage, children, moving,

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all kinds oft of travel, international travel, like, lots of

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stuff going on. Okay, So you begin to feel, okay, well,

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this is amazing. You know, I got this person. This

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is great, and we're gonna have this long term relationship

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and this is awesome, and I'm gonna trust them with

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everything I have to say.

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Now, you begin to trust them more and more.

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And one of the things that we don't realize in

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the love bomby face is that the other person's not

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really telling us much about them. They are very closed lip.

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They will tell you a few things here and here.

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But other than that, they're not really telling you much,

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and you're not really thinking about it because you're getting

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really self absorbed into this attention. You're not thinking clearly. Okay,

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you're kind of drinking the kool aid at this point,

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so you're not realizing that this person is very little describing.

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They're only telling you the things that they want you

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to know. They're also only telling you the things that

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they know that will make them look good or the

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things that will make them look like the victim. Okay,

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so maybe some things from childhood that were horrible, or

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some family dynamic stuff or this horrible like abuse, or

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maybe they're taking you know, whatever that they had to

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find for themselves or do all these things or whatever

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makes them look like the hero. They're going to tell

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you those types of things, unveil them as like, Oh,

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I'm just you know, this is just me, just slowly me,

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this is my thing, you know, and so you begin

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to just kind of accept those pieces of their supposed

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past or whatever their life is without really questioning them,

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because you don't think, oh, they could be lying to

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me or anything like that, or trying to get me

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to feel a certain way. You're not thinking that, and

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that's a very interesting situation. Now, the interesting part, too,

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is that you begin to feel in this narcissistic dynamics.

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So in this narcissistic relationship that you're in, you don't

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even know that you're dealing with a narses. You believe

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what's happening to be true. And in this fact, the

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problem is you're not seeing it for what it is

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because you've become emotionally invested.

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And the sex was very quick as well.

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So in these narcissistic relationships, they're very quick to have sex,

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sex at any time with you, all kinds of different

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sex at any time, any moment, anytime. You want to

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do this in the beginning and you're like, wow, this

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is what a real relationship is, and I'm going to

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marry this person.

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This is it.

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This is the end all bell. Now that's going to

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dry up and change, but you're not prepared for that.

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So the problem is you're going into this thinking this

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is going to last forever when it's definitely not. Now,

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the interesting part about it is they kind of get

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you all set up like there's all the attention, there's

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some gifts, there's if they if they can't afford to

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get you gifts. There's a lot of sex, there's a

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lot of drinking, there's a lot of romanticizing. There's a

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lot of you know, romanticizing the situation and building this

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up to be the.

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End all be all.

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However, eventually there's a devaluation period of time. So eventually

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these things are going to change. The rug is going

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to be pulled up from underneath you, and you're not

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expecting it. And that's where a lot of people get confused,

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is they don't know that, hey, I'm in this narcisstic relationship.

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They don't know that first. Two, they don't know what

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love bombing is. Three, they have no idea that this

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is a narrative that's been contrived. Four, they have no

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idea what devaluation is. Five, they don't even know that

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they're already under control. And six they don't even know

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this is a pattern of behavior. Okay, so the devaluation,

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what happens here is that warmth and that love begins

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to disappear.

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You know, it's an example.

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I have a client that was talking about it a

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while back, and we've moved on from this relationship, but

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you know, she was making you know, the significant other

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was making dinner every night, you know, for him when

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he got home, giving him a massage, sex, all that stuff.

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Well that started, that started waning within a few a

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few months and eventually disappeared. And then that love and

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that support and all these really nice things being said, Oh,

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you're this amazing person and I totally love you, and

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I care about everything you're doing, and oh what you're

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doing is so amazing and so smart and so intelligent.

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All that changes and it begins to become criticism. It

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begins to become criticism, it begins to be kind of mean,

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there's a little bit of put downs. Then there becomes

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this emotional distance that you never had with this person,

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so you don't really understand it. And then there's this

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mixed signals where you have these mixed signals where one

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minute they're really happy with you and the next or not.

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One minute they're sexual with you, the next or not.

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One minute they want to do things with you, the

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next they're not really happy to hear from you, or

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they have other things going on, or they'll need to

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talk to you later, or they don't want to do anything,

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they don't want to go out, they don't want to

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do anything, they don't want to be with you, and

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then maybe a few hours later, yeah, maybe we can

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go do something together, what have you. There's a lot

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of blame too, so remember the devaluation. They've taken you

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off the pedestal. Because I believe in the narcissisic mind,

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I believe that they actually do have this love affair

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with the image of something, not the persons.

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They don't really love the person.

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It's the image of being with this person or what

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this person can do for them, what can they get

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from being with this person, So that becomes romanticized in

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their mind. Hence why the sex begins in the beginning

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of the relationship, and it's intense because it's not about

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being with you. It's about getting what they want. It's

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about creating that reality. It's about getting you to break

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down your doors and your boundaries. But also at the

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same time, it's also about getting you in a situation

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where you stop thinking about what's right for you and

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you start giving in this relationship and trusting across the board. Now,

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the interesting part that is, instead of you saying, hey,

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this is BS, I'm gonna wake up, I'm tired of

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this relationship. I don't like this pattern of behavior. They're

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putting me down, they're criticizing me, they're blaming me. This

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is red flags for me. Instead, though most people go

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the other way. They try harder, they try harder. Now,

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if you're a code of pennant, you try really hard.

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So if you have a lot of code pendititendencies, this

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person's unhappy with me. Things aren't working out. How can

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I make this person happy? How can I make them

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feel this way again? What do I have to do

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to make them feel this way again? What is it

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within me? What am I doing wrong?

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Now?

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The person with borderline tendencies is going to be like,

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oh my god, you know this person, they're gonna leave me.

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You know they're gonna leave me. I'm not gonna have anybody.

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And also a lot of times people with BPD tendencies

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were raised by people with MPD or narcissistic tendencies. So

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this is almost like a trauma bond already because we're

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still trying to get our mom or dad's love, and

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now we're going to try to get it in this

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relationship as well. The same for people code of penit tendencies.

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Many were raised around narcissistic parents, either a narcissistic mother

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or father. And so here we are trying to get

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the prey, trying to get the acceptance, trying to get

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the love now, and it's not just from this person, right,

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this is a trigger from childhood. So it's really even

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more deeply seated, it's more overwhelming, it's more traumatic and dramatic,

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and so you know, you're trying to get this back.

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You're trying to get this person to be like it

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was in the beginning. Now the other person's relationship. Now,

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somebody's solid and not doesn't have codependent issues, was not

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raised by a narcisst was not raised by a borderline parent,

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is not borderline raised by a narciss apparent. If somebody's

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really just really solid and done the work, they will

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go on an in and walk out stage right. Usually

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in this situation because they're tired of it. They see

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the difference. They're not going to try to get back

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on that pedestal.

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Now.

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For many of us, so however, that have either gone

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through recovery from codependency or worked on themselves or recovery

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or working with DPT skills and working on recovery from

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VPD as well. This is a different story because we're

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still dealing with the trauma drama from the past relationships,

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the past marriage or normally the past parental guidance that

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did not give us a love and support and we're

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truncating that on top of this situation and that situation,

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and so we have this whole big situation to trauma

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based on narcissistic type abuse that we are dealing with.

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So it's not just a person.

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It's not that this person is the one person that

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has created This is where it actually comes. So what

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happens then is that the people in the relationship with

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the narcissists start to feel bad, start to get depress,

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Their personal value begins to take a hit because they've

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put so much value on this relationship on how this

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person feels about them. And so remember the narcissist is

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going to employ certain types of techniques. The narcissists will

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employ certain techniques and those techniques are guilt, silent treatment, gaslighting, jealousy,

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intermittent affection, and forever ammunition. If you don't know what

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whereever ammunition is in a narcissistic relationship, it's when the

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narcissist uses things that they've learned from you during the

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love bombing stage. They've learned these things about you, private

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things about you that they can throw back in your

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face every time there's an argument or a problem, to

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make you feel bad, to make you feel sad, to

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make you feel guilty and shamed. This is all on point.

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It's all done specifically to make you feel a certain way,

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and it's all done for them to gain control. Now,

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remember the silent treatment is very well used to get

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what they want. They get silent. They control you by

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controlling the communication. Remember, the silent treatment is the control

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used by a narcissist to control the line of communication

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so that they actually stop the communication in its tracks.

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You can't argue with somebody when they won't speak to you.

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This is very much on purpose and under that. Many

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of you out there had this happen with a parent

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dynamic growing up up, where mom or dad just wouldn't

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talk to you for several days when you did something wrong,

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and you would sit there and bag and plead for

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them to talk to you. Very painful growing up as

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a child in this that's really abused. When you're doing

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this to a child or even an adult. The silent

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treatment is definitely abused. So remember that if you're dealing

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with the silent treatment from somebody a loved one, a parent,

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a spouse, just because it's not hurting you, they're not

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beating you up, they're not hitting you, this is still abuse.

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The silent treatment is a way to control the narrative,

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the communication, and it stops you from communicating with them.

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And the more you beg them to communicate, the more

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they relish in that. The more power they get, the

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more power they get from you, and the more control

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that they get in the relationship. So I want you

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to really think about this. So all of a sudden,

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they started garnishing all this control, gaslighting you, manipulating you,

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turning things around, blaming you for situations. And then you

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begin to feel worse and worse and worse about the situation.

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And then you start trying to avoid conflict. So conflict happens,

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and instead of bringing up anything or standing.

393
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Up for yourself, you do the opposite. You get quiet.

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You get quiet, you safeguard yourself, you try to minimize it.

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You allow them to get away with things because you

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