Dec. 4, 2024

The Pain and Struggle of Leaving a Toxic Relationship. [Ep.780]

The Pain and Struggle of Leaving a Toxic Relationship. [Ep.780]

Being in a toxic relationship is painful but even more painful is trying to free yourself from the relationship and move on with your life. Telling your friends and family about the relationship can be helpful until they begin to question why you are...

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Being in a toxic relationship is painful but even more painful is trying to free yourself from the relationship and move on with your life. Telling your friends and family about the relationship can be helpful until they begin to question why you are still in the relationship. They have heard you speak of the lying, the cheating, the screaming, and anything else that has taken place that is less than healthy and wonder why you are still exposing yourself to the situation. If you’re in one of these types of relationships that began with intense love bombing, you have seen the best of the relationship and afterwards how things augment. Whether you are dealing with full on manipulation, gaslighting, lying, cheating, and more, this podcast will help you to hear a true life situation and how this person is mentally and emotionally working to overcome a relationship that has taken over his life.

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WEBVTT

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You're in a good place now. You are listening to

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Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back Live to Live Your True Live Perspectives, and

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I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On the show, we're talk

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about relationships and one major component of relationship is the

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concept between logic and emotion. And sometimes it's hard to

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do what we need to do for ourselves. We get

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stuck in the emotional situation, unable to see our logic

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or able to see the logic, but unable to go

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that direction because of where we are emotionally, and in

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a lot of these relationships that we find ourselves in,

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it's a push and pull situation. There's a lot of

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love bombing, there's extreme love bombing, and it can be

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almost overwhelming to get oneself out of the relationship. And

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it's interesting because I talk to a lot of clients

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and these types of relationships, especially with people that have

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cluster b dynamic, can be almost impossible to leave. And

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the only problem with the relationships is that everybody on

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the outside that doesn't understand, doesn't understand why you're still

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in it. They don't understand, they can't comprehend, and they

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go come on you just got to get out of

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that relationship.

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You need to move on. He just needn't move on

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with your life.

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And these words are okay, but it's easier said than done.

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And when you're in certain relationships, you realize how challenging,

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how heavy the emotion is, and how connected you get

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with those other people. Joining me Live today is Chris,

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and Chris is dealing with a relationship right now, been

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in it since twenty twenty two and also trying to

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get out of it, but also trying to get out

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of it successfully. Chris, thanks so much for joining me

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live here on Live your True Life Perspectives.

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Thanks Ashley. I'm happy to be here.

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So let's talk about this. When did the relationship begin?

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What year?

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It's that's her on Tender of All Places. I was

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four months of my divorce. I had been married for

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sixteen years, got divorced in April twenty twenty two, and

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then I found myself very lonely. I was in a

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new world, and so I got on a lot of

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dating apps and I went on dates with a couple

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of women. Nothing really panned out. And then I met

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this girl we'll just call her B, and I met

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her on Tinder, and right away it was like she

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showered me with attention. We did a lot of texting,

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and I don't like texting, but I like how she was,

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the things that she was saying to me, how she

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was making me feel. And then we finally spoke on

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the phone and we agreed to go on a date,

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and it just took off very fast.

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So it's kind of like a whirlwind, right, a warwind romance.

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And so let's talk about that because a lot of

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times when we're in this whirlwind where the texting's going

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and the conversation's flowing, you know, it can feel really good.

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And so if you can't, can you flash back to

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the first date, and let's talk about that because a

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lot of times people don't realize some of the red

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flags as well.

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It took place on the first night.

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Yeah, Actually, before we flash back to the first date,

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let's flash back to some of the texting as well.

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Because when I speak about things moving fast, this girl

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didn't know me from anyone, but she asked me to

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send her certain kind of pictures, which I didn't want to.

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I didn't know her, and I have a job that's

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kind of sensitive. I you know, I really have to

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be a good person and not lose my job. But

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she sent me some naked pickers, and I remember thinking,

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I wonder how many other people, how many other men

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she's already sent these to. So anyway, she made it

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clear before we went out on the first date that

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when we did go on the first date, she wanted

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to have sex with me, which just it blew me away.

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I'd never experienced anything like that before. On one hand,

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I was kind of excited because the last jeez, at

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least the last year of my marriage, I didn't have

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sex with my wife. We were basically roommates. I never

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cheated on her, but that's just the way it was.

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And so this girl said that it was her mission

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to end my drought. So we go on the first date.

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She's three hours late, which was something I should have

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paid attention to, But she comes to my house and

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then I drive us to downtown Denver. I live in

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one of the suburbs, and we go to have sushi,

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and as we're walking through the parking lot, she reaches

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out and grabs my hand. In more than anything, more

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than the naked pictures or her declaration that she wanted

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to end my sex throughout. It was her reaching out

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and grabbing my hand that really shocked me, and I

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actually pulled my hand away. I was so startled.

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Wow, Okay, so all this is going on, let's talk

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about that, because first off, the texting and then asking

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for dick pics, right, and I'm sure that was whoa

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what is this about? You know?

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I mean, what what is this?

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And then you're thinking, okay, And it's interesting because when

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you get you know, caught up, especially what she's saying,

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I'm gonna in the sex draft for you and you

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don't deserve this, and you know, I can't wait to

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see you and when we meet, we're gonna have sex.

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But then you're right, okay, So she's three hours late

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getting over to your house, right, So, and then y'all

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go to dinner and you know she's already holding your hand.

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I mean, can you remember what you were thinking at

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that point then?

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Or so? My one of my love languages is is touched.

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I'm a very I'm an open book. I wear my

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emotions on my sleeve. And I had been starved of

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affection in the last two years of my marriage. And

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so when she reached out and grabbed my hand. On

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one hand, it felt amazing, but on the other hand,

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I couldn't believe what was going on. Like I just

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felt I felt the oxytocin flowing through me. But I

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also felt, this is moving very fast because it's really weird.

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I really was attracted to her, not just physically, but

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also how she was paying attention to me and people

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who are with a person like this. She later revealed

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to me she had a mental health diagnosis, and we

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can get into that later. I felt amazing, like I

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had been shot up with a drug, and it's like

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nothing I had ever experienced.

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And that's what a lot of my clients say, and

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I think when you look across the board, because the

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concept of love bombing isn't just native to certain personality disorders, but.

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It is more.

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It is it's more, you know, common and in those

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personality disorders, and love bombing itself is something that really

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is hard, especially if you're coming from And I like

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to talk about the codependent side. I'm I remember recovering codependent,

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and I understand and most of my clients are codependent

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and working to be in recovery. And when you have

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someone that seems to be there for you, giving you attention,

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and a lot of times as a codependent, you're giving

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other people attention. You're taking care of them, you're watching

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after them, you're you know, making sure they're okay. And

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so it's like in the beginning but the love bombing stage,

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and people aren't if they don't really understand it. It's

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it's like, literally, somebody is there for you, interested in you,

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asking you these questions, being there for you, being lovey dovey,

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you know, you know, caring, you know, making those calls

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at night, checking in, you know, wanting to come over

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and stay over and spend time, wanting to get to

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know your story, and all that at one time, especially

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with the affection and the sex component, can be really

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hard because you get into this and you're like, wow,

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this is like a relationship that they talk about in

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the movies, right, Like in the movies, like there's romantic

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films where you see it and they follow they meet

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and it's like this, they meet quickly and it's this

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whirlwind romance.

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And they fall in love and they're happily ever after.

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But the point is that it doesn't happen like that,

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and all of a sudden things change, right, So all

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of a sudden, there's chinks in the armors and things

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begin to change and you begin to see things so

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so okay, So you were going through the love bombing stage.

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How long do you think that stage lasted in this relationship?

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Jeez? I would definitely say it started that first date

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and it probably lasted a good month or so. But

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I mean I soaked up every ass of attention she

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gave me, because I do I am a codependent. I

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talked to a previous therapist about this and she explained

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to me what it was and that it's not such

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a thing to be a shame because of the things

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that I went through as a child. But I mean,

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every compliment she gave me, it was like like like

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a drug, Like I felt high. And then when she

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would give me physical touch, like wrap her arms around

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me or hold my hand, it just made me feel

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amazing and I could not get enough of it. And

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so that love bombing in addition to these things like

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she would say things like, you're the most amazing man

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I've ever met, You're the most handsome man I've ever met.

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You're the best lover I've ever had. And I remember

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thinking to myself. I don't believe this because I'm not

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saying this to I'm trying. I don't want to sound

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like I'm speaking derogatorily about her, but I mean she

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she told me she was a feminist and that before

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we met, she too was going through a divorce, and

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when she was separated, she decided she was going to

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get to experience life like men single men do, and

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she went on a sexual tear. And I asked her

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how many men she had been with and she said, oh,

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I don't know, And I said, is it more than ten?

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She said, oh yeah. And this is just in the

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month between the start of her separation and when she

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met me. And I asked her she volunteered her body count,

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she said, it's well over one hundred. That's a red

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flag that I didn't pay attention to. But I remember thinking,

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when she was complimenting me as her best lover ever,

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there's just no way. And I feel, looking back a

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lot of the things that she said to me, compliments

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that she paid to me during the love bombing phase,

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that maybe they weren't true, maybe they were just a

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product of the love bombing.

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Well, and I also think too, you know, with the

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love bombing part of it. I believe that they know

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what they're doing. There's a part of it that they're

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aware of. I also think there's a part of it

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that they're on a pilot. And you know, it's like

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a learned response, you know, keeping people there, you know,

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keeping people happy, telling people what they want to hear.

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It's worked in the past. It's part of the repertoire.

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It's almost like, you know, part of the programming, I think,

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and I think that's why it's so hard sometimes to

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see the difference between is this manufactured or this is real?

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Because I do think that there's parts of it that

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are real that they don't really realize they're doing.

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I mean, you and I both know that I've reached

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out to you before because I asked Ashley to help

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me out and so I became one of her clients.

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And in between I would reach out to you with

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questions and I would say, is she aware that she's

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doing this? And I always wondered, is this something that

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she's really not aware of? Is she aware of her

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is her self awareness? Or is it sake so that

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she's trying to keep me around? But whatever it was,

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it worked. Because that woman made me feel so amazing

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as a human being, like almost like she was paying

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attention to me in a way that I always wanted

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a woman to pay attention to me or make me

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feel special. And you know, when people would later on

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say what are you doing with her? She's toxic, she's

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wrong for you, all I can say is, you'll never

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know what it's like until you're in a relationship with

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someone who I'll just reveal her her diagnosis now. She

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told me probably about a month into our relationship, that

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she has borderline personality disorder. And I would tell people,

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you will never know what it's like until you're with

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someone who has something like BPD.

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Yeah, And that's something that bothers me, is that it's true.

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And it bothers me that people just, oh, yeah, you

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got to just get over you know, get over her,

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get over him, move on. It's not a big deal.

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Just let it go.

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And it's like, you don't understand, you don't have any

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idea what the emotional pull is, because think about it,

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if you have someone with BPD tendencies signs and symptoms

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connected with someone that has codependence signs and symptoms, and

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you're right this is from childhood. It's either genetic or

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it's childhood as far as BPD, but our childhood situation

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as far as codependency, is very real, and so if

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you combine the two together, it's like this perfect puzzle piece,

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right because the person with the BPD has the tendency

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of giving the person with the codependency exactly what they want,

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and it feels like it's the right relationship. It feels

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perfect in the beginning, but it's not, yes, and that's

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when it becomes such a problem. But people don't understand.

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They're like, oh, just get rid of them, and it's like, okay.

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But the thing is, it's hard because you saw these

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glimpses of what you thought was reality and the possibility

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of a relationship like that.

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But it turns around and augments and changes.

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Yeah, it definitely felt like I remember at one point

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early on, we went on a second date. It's interesting.

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After the first date, she got angry at me because

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I didn't have protection and she wanted to have sex,

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and since I didn't have any, she said she still

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wanted to fool around, and I didn't know what that meant.

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But then she got angry at me. That I didn't

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have protection, and so she didn't talk to me for

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the next week or so, and so what did I do.

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I texted her about a week and a half later,

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and I just asked her she'd like to go out again,

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and that's when she revealed to me that she was

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really angry at me, and I instead of getting angry

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in response, I listened to what she had to say

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because I thought, well, maybe maybe I did do something,

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maybe she has a valid point. And she laid it

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on me pretty hard, and I said, you know, I'm

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really sorry. I didn't realize that I was making you

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feel that way. And that became a theme for the

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rest of the relationship, me apologizing when it wasn't necessary

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because I was afraid I would lose her. But I

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was actually going to get into a second point about

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the second date. Finally we went on the second date,

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and I remember that whole night. It just felt amazing.

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The love bombing was thick, and she made me feel

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like the most important person in the world. I wouldn't

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replace that feeling for anything. Honestly, if we could have

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maintained it that, I would have been the happiest person

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on earth for the rest of my life, but obviously

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you can't.

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Chris.

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That's deep and very powerful, and I think many people

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have experienced that when we were trying to be talking

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more about that and more about that feeling of that

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second date and continue on, because this is really deep

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stuff that we're talking about, very emotional, very challenging to

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deal with, and very challenging to overcome. So stay tuned

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literature Life Perspectives with your host me, Ashley Burgess, will

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be back in I'll be back this time.

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You know it. I'll be back this time in two shakes, turn.

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It up and jump in the deep end on perspectives.

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Now here's Ashley.

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Welcome back live to look at your live perspectives and

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I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. When you're in some of

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these relationships, it's hard to see what's up versus what's down.

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It's hard to really understand things. And sometimes we can

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understand things very clearly, we can see things very clearly,

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but yet emotion gets in the way and we can

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logically know what we need to do, but it can

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be really hard to override that emotion. Joining me live

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tonight is Chris, and Chris has been telling us about

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his relationship with somebody that was diagnosed with be BD

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and dealing with the interactions with this person and the

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love bombing. And right before the break we were talking

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about just about to get into the second date, and

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he said, like, the second.

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Date was great.

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You'd already apologize for something that really wasn't your fault earlier,

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which I thought was very interesting, and how I want

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to talk about that too, But on the second date,

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how are you feeling?

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Was this like in your mind the perfect relationship or

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how are you feeling?

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You know, it happened two years ago, so the small

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details that kind of lead up to it, they're a

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little hazy, but I do remember. It wasn't exactly the

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second date we I guess you'd call it the third.

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But the way it happened was interesting because before that

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we met for like appetizers in dinner, not dinner, drinks

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in Denver somewhere, and I thought we had a nice time.

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We hung out in the back of my Forerunner, just

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lifted the lift gate and just hung out in the

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back there and kind of watched the stars after dinner,

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and then I took her back to her parents' house.

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She's staying there because she moved out of the house

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she had been sharing with her her husband she was

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going through the divorce. And that whole night went well,

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and then we agreed that we would go on another date,

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and so this next one was interesting. She showed up

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at my place at six in the morning, maybe seven

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in the morning, I don't remember, on a Saturday morning,

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because the night before she was getting a tattoo, and

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she said she didn't want to come over right after that,

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and she would come over first thing in the morning.

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And I remember I was so excited to see her

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because of the way she made me feel, and so

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I spent hours cleaning my house that night. I really

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wanted to impress her. And then I fell asleep, like

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it four or five in the morning, and I woke

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up next to her standing by my bedside, and I

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was so excited. I just thought, Wow, this girl is amazing.

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She actually showed up, and so she climbed into bed

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and we fell asleep together, arm in arm, and I

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think we slept that way for I don't know, five

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or six hours, and we woke up in the same

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position and it was just so cool. And then that

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night we went to dinner. We also went to this

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interactive art exhibit in downtown Denver, and we had an

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amazing time, But yet there were still things like throughout

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the day that just made me wonder, is this girl right.

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It's the way she would talk. She was always on

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her phone, addicted to social media, posting pictures of herself,

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and if you look at her social media, it's not

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just like pictures of her observations, or her kids, or

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her and her friends. It's all about her. My mom

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actually looked at her social media once and said the

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same thing. So anyway, we went out on this next

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date and I still was loving being with her, and

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she poured the love coming on thick. And I remember

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on the way home, I was driving, she was holding

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my hand, just gazing at me. I kind of like

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glanced over at her. I could see out of the

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corner of my eyes she was looking at me, and

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I looked over at her, and it was like she

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was looking at me like I was a superhero or

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the most amazing person in the world. She had a

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smile on her face and she was just fixed on me.

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And between that and holding my hand, it made me

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feel really special. I keep saying that because that's what

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it feels like. And we went back to my place

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and had sex, and she was amazing and dead, which

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is another reason that I could not walk away from her,

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no matter how many times I tried.

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So let me ask you about we're going to talk

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about this now and then a little bit in the

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next segment as well, the apologizing, and I find that

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across the board, when you're dealing with relationships like this,

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the other person finds themselves apologizing for things that they

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really didn't do wrong. Can you remember some of those

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EXPERI reach is in this relationship.

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Yeah. I would. She would do something that would upset me,

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and I would call her out on it, and it

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would lead to an argument. And the one thing that

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she was so good at was we would get into

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an argument about something and I was obvious that she

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had done or said something that was hurtful or wrong

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or damaging, and I would accuse her of it or

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present the evidence, and somehow she managed to spin it

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so that I was wrong. I was the bad guy.

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I had accused her of something that wasn't true, and

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I would always end up apologizing for something I didn't do,

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like I don't know, accusing her of texting another man,

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or of saying something that I deemed hurtful that she

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said wasn't And she was a master manipulator into She

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would make me believe that she was right and I

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was wrong. And looking back, I think the reason that

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she was so good at that was I was afraid

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that she would leave me for another man because there

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were all these red flags that she was texting other

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guys or something else was going on. I had sneaking suspicions,

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and so I think that's what I was most afraid of,

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and for the next two years I lived with that

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anxiety instead of walking away.

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Let's talk more about that when we returned, Chris, because

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this is very important because I think this is affecting

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a lot of people out there. Stay tuned Literature Life

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Perspectives with your host me, Ashley Burgess, will be back

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in I'll be back this time.

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You know it.

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I'll be back this time in two shakes.

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This is Jake Busey and you're listening to Perspectives with

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Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back live to look her two life Perspectives, and

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I am your host, Ashley Burgess. On today's show, we're

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talking about those relationships. Some call them toxic relationships, his relationships.

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It's hard to let go of, hard to remove ourselves

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because of the emotional impact that it has. Some people

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call it trauma bond, some people call it love bombing.

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Either way, however, or whatever you call it, it's still

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a challenge to overcome and to move forward from and righter.

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For the break, Chris and I were talking about apologizing,

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that he would apologize for things that wasn't even his fault,

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just apologize to be able to move the conversation forward,

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not to have the argument. Also not wanting to lose her.

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And I've heard this from many clients, for hundreds of clients,

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some thousands of clients, where it's like I just didn't

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want to lose her. I didn't want to lose him,

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so I would accept the blame fall on the sword.

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You know it's my fault.

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Is I apologize or you know, after they've literally gone

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to contact for.

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Two days or they block me or what have you.

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Then the first point and the first time that I

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have a chance, I apologize for my actions or what

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I caused. And so, Chris, do you feel like there

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was a lot of times that you did that just

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apologize or just accept the blame, just to not.

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Rock the boat and keep her around.

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00:24:27.119 --> 00:24:32.559
Yeah, the arguments, they didn't really start out like full

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fledged arguments until i'd say a few months in. But

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still it seemed like she would get triggered very easily,

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and she had no problem telling me that she was

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upset with me, and I remember thinking, where did that

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come from? What did I do? And one of the

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first examples that I can recall, actually it led to

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the very first time I broke up with her. I

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think it was probably about a month into our relationship

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and she wasn't feeling well and I really wanted to

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see her, and I asked her, can I come over

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and see you? And she waivered, and then she finally

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said yes, So I came over there. I met her

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parents for the first time. They were really nice people.

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On a side note, her dad was trying to get

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me to drink with him, which I thought was kind

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of funny. But anyway, she went downstairs to her room

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and I followed her down and I was we were chatting,

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trying to watch a movie, and I made a joke

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about something I can't remember what it was, and she

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interpreted it as me trying to tell her what to do,

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and I wasn't. I was just kind of being a

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little sarcastic, and I remember her response was, don't boss

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me around, and it just kind of came out of nowhere,

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and I was quiet for a minute, thinking this is

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sometimes when things like this happen, I kind of shut

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down because I don't know how to handle it. And

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I've definitely learned since then how to handle it and

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how to process it and how to respond, but in

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this case, I was speechless. And then I apologized, and

473
00:26:18.079 --> 00:26:21.319
I remember thinking, why am I apologizing? I didn't I

474
00:26:21.319 --> 00:26:23.640
didn't do anything wrong, And that kind of set the

475
00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:26.599
tone for the future. Anytime we would get into an argument.

476
00:26:27.119 --> 00:26:30.039
She would never back down. She would never ever take

477
00:26:30.079 --> 00:26:35.160
responsibility for her actions. She would never apologize. And I

478
00:26:35.240 --> 00:26:39.519
tried to explain to her that for a man, men

479
00:26:39.559 --> 00:26:43.880
in general, we value the words i'm sorry because it

480
00:26:43.960 --> 00:26:46.519
shows that not only are you taking responsibility for what

481
00:26:46.559 --> 00:26:49.640
you've done, but it also shows that you you feel

482
00:26:49.720 --> 00:26:53.599
some kind of contrition for it. And this was not

483
00:26:53.720 --> 00:26:56.880
something that she understood, and she even told me I

484
00:26:56.920 --> 00:26:59.640
don't apologize, And so what ended up? What ended? What?

485
00:26:59.759 --> 00:27:03.440
Ended happening is I would end up apologizing because I

486
00:27:03.480 --> 00:27:08.079
was afraid that she would she would kick me out

487
00:27:08.119 --> 00:27:10.480
of her house or tell me to leave. We will

488
00:27:10.519 --> 00:27:14.319
talk about it later and then when if that would happen,

489
00:27:14.400 --> 00:27:16.480
or she would hang up the phone on me, I

490
00:27:16.519 --> 00:27:19.079
was afraid that she was gonna call up another man

491
00:27:19.119 --> 00:27:21.319
that she was friends with, because, like I said before,

492
00:27:21.359 --> 00:27:24.680
she I had sneaking suspicions that there was something else

493
00:27:24.720 --> 00:27:28.119
going on. They proved to be right later on, and

494
00:27:29.160 --> 00:27:34.680
I would apologize almost to avoid these kinds of situations

495
00:27:34.720 --> 00:27:37.279
where she would hang up the phone on me and

496
00:27:37.319 --> 00:27:38.799
I had no idea what she was doing for the

497
00:27:38.799 --> 00:27:41.000
next twenty four hours.

498
00:27:41.119 --> 00:27:43.960
And would she go like if were that in those situations,

499
00:27:44.039 --> 00:27:46.000
she would go like an entire twenty four hours without

500
00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:48.039
contacting or being able to be contacted.

501
00:27:49.400 --> 00:27:56.319
Sometimes before we became exclusive. I that's another thing that's

502
00:27:56.359 --> 00:28:00.200
really interesting. That night that I just talked about, she

503
00:28:00.279 --> 00:28:05.200
told me she loved me, and I remember it. I

504
00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:08.559
remember thinking this is wrong. This We're not even a

505
00:28:08.599 --> 00:28:10.799
month into our relationship and she's told me that she

506
00:28:10.920 --> 00:28:13.880
loves me. And at the same time it felt amazing

507
00:28:14.000 --> 00:28:16.079
because I don't think I had heard that from my

508
00:28:16.759 --> 00:28:18.640
wife when we were married. For the last year we

509
00:28:18.640 --> 00:28:22.799
were together, and even then we felt like roommates. So

510
00:28:22.839 --> 00:28:25.480
if she did say it didn't feel like anything special.

511
00:28:25.480 --> 00:28:28.480
But this girl I knew that I was in love with,

512
00:28:28.880 --> 00:28:33.799
and when she said that to me, yeah, I don't

513
00:28:33.839 --> 00:28:35.240
know if that would be love vombing or what I

514
00:28:35.279 --> 00:28:41.119
guess it would be. But once she said that, then

515
00:28:41.640 --> 00:28:44.599
after we got into an argument. After that, I don't

516
00:28:44.720 --> 00:28:47.519
think well. Then Actually, the next morning I spoke to

517
00:28:47.559 --> 00:28:49.640
my mom about everything, and I just said, look, things

518
00:28:49.640 --> 00:28:52.160
don't feel really right. And she said, Chris, this is

519
00:28:52.240 --> 00:28:54.480
not a healthy relationship. You need to leave her. So

520
00:28:54.519 --> 00:28:57.559
I just simply sent her a text and I said, look,

521
00:28:57.640 --> 00:28:59.880
I don't feel like things are going in the right direction,

522
00:29:00.559 --> 00:29:03.039
and I think that we'd be better off as friends.

523
00:29:03.079 --> 00:29:08.400
And oh my gosh, she that provoked rage in her

524
00:29:08.519 --> 00:29:11.359
like I've never experienced before, and she just launched into

525
00:29:11.519 --> 00:29:18.039
a barrage of insults and swear words. And then twenty

526
00:29:18.079 --> 00:29:21.519
four hours after that, she said that she missed me

527
00:29:21.680 --> 00:29:25.680
and she didn't want to lose me. So sometimes it

528
00:29:25.720 --> 00:29:29.079
would go twenty four hours. But I mean, once we

529
00:29:29.480 --> 00:29:33.839
got more into the relationship, then it would just be

530
00:29:33.880 --> 00:29:37.559
a few hours, we'd get into an argument, we'd break up,

531
00:29:37.599 --> 00:29:40.640
and then an hour later she would text me telling

532
00:29:40.680 --> 00:29:41.319
me to come over.

533
00:29:42.960 --> 00:29:45.279
Oh wow, okay, okay.

534
00:29:45.319 --> 00:29:47.119
And then how many times do you feel like you

535
00:29:47.200 --> 00:29:49.839
had like what would be considered like many breakups or

536
00:29:49.960 --> 00:29:51.240
what have you?

537
00:29:51.839 --> 00:29:57.880
Ashley? I hundreds? Because and this is what she never

538
00:29:57.960 --> 00:30:02.400
understood is the way the way she acted. It was

539
00:30:02.440 --> 00:30:05.039
her behavior, the way she spoke to me. She would

540
00:30:05.039 --> 00:30:09.000
talk down to me, like so, I went through a

541
00:30:09.000 --> 00:30:11.960
lot of bullying when I was a kid, and sometimes

542
00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:14.359
the way that she spoke to me reminded me of

543
00:30:14.400 --> 00:30:18.079
the way that these these bullies would speak to me.

544
00:30:18.599 --> 00:30:22.680
And I didn't like it, and I vowed at some

545
00:30:22.880 --> 00:30:26.039
point as an adult, I'm not going to tolerate this anymore.

546
00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:29.039
And so for the most part with her, I didn't

547
00:30:29.039 --> 00:30:32.720
tolerate it, but there were times when I would just

548
00:30:32.759 --> 00:30:37.240
because I didn't want to provoke an argument. You know,

549
00:30:37.480 --> 00:30:39.440
I loved her. I didn't want to break up with her.

550
00:30:39.480 --> 00:30:42.680
But whether it was the way she spoke to me,

551
00:30:42.960 --> 00:30:45.519
or finding out that she was texting or sexting other

552
00:30:45.599 --> 00:30:48.720
men or later that she was having sex with other men,

553
00:30:49.440 --> 00:30:53.960
or ghosting me for hours, you know, ten hours at

554
00:30:54.000 --> 00:30:58.279
a time. Another thing I didn't like was she would

555
00:30:58.319 --> 00:31:00.799
text me and then I would respond pretty quickly because

556
00:31:00.799 --> 00:31:04.319
I was always available, and then it was she would

557
00:31:04.359 --> 00:31:06.319
leave me on red for a few hours. I didn't

558
00:31:06.400 --> 00:31:09.880
like that, and I would try to talk to her

559
00:31:09.920 --> 00:31:12.400
about the things that she was doing that was was

560
00:31:12.480 --> 00:31:15.880
upsetting me, and I would be very respectful, and inevitably

561
00:31:16.480 --> 00:31:21.440
it would escalate. And it's just surreal how she would

562
00:31:21.519 --> 00:31:25.160
handle even a simple discussion me telling her, hey, you've

563
00:31:25.160 --> 00:31:32.960
done something that's upset me, and we would My response

564
00:31:33.000 --> 00:31:36.519
to that was, this is not working. I would break

565
00:31:36.559 --> 00:31:38.240
up with her because I didn't want to deal with

566
00:31:38.279 --> 00:31:42.119
it anymore. It was, it was stressful, it was it

567
00:31:42.160 --> 00:31:45.039
was affecting my performance at work. I actually got put

568
00:31:45.039 --> 00:31:49.759
on a performance plan at work because of how the

569
00:31:49.839 --> 00:31:54.640
turmoil and the anxiety was affecting me, and it was

570
00:31:54.680 --> 00:31:59.440
affecting my relationships with my family and friends. There's a

571
00:31:59.559 --> 00:32:03.480
very good friend ex wife of my college roommate. I

572
00:32:03.519 --> 00:32:06.640
became very good friends with her because this woman had

573
00:32:06.680 --> 00:32:08.640
a lot of wisdom. Her name is Lisa, and I

574
00:32:08.680 --> 00:32:11.599
told her I might mention her. She told me many

575
00:32:11.599 --> 00:32:14.240
times Chris what the hell are you doing with this woman?

576
00:32:14.319 --> 00:32:17.799
She is bad for you. She's affecting every aspect of

577
00:32:17.839 --> 00:32:21.440
your life. And still, I mean, I knew she was right.

578
00:32:22.480 --> 00:32:25.599
My twin brother said the same thing, my parents said

579
00:32:25.640 --> 00:32:30.920
the same thing, and I ignored everyone's advice. And if

580
00:32:30.960 --> 00:32:33.640
I had only listened to these people and stayed broken

581
00:32:33.720 --> 00:32:37.920
up with her, I would have saved myself. I'm deep

582
00:32:37.920 --> 00:32:44.759
in debt because of her. My son is living with

583
00:32:44.799 --> 00:32:49.279
his mom right now because he was affected by her.

584
00:32:49.599 --> 00:32:51.359
You know, there's a lot of things to talk about,

585
00:32:51.400 --> 00:32:55.599
and sometimes you got to listen to your mind and

586
00:32:55.680 --> 00:32:58.200
not your heart, because if you know it's not going

587
00:32:58.279 --> 00:32:59.759
to work out, probably isn't.

588
00:33:01.440 --> 00:33:02.880
No, and and affecting.

589
00:33:02.920 --> 00:33:04.559
I want to go back to this because yes, you're right,

590
00:33:04.920 --> 00:33:07.400
and eventually I'd like to have you on more in

591
00:33:07.440 --> 00:33:09.640
the future as well, because there's so many aspects of this,

592
00:33:09.759 --> 00:33:12.680
like with your children and other people getting attention that

593
00:33:12.680 --> 00:33:14.720
they're not. And you know, even if you're giving your

594
00:33:14.799 --> 00:33:16.960
kid attention, how that how they respond to that. And

595
00:33:16.960 --> 00:33:18.440
there's a lot of things that we can talk about

596
00:33:18.480 --> 00:33:24.039
that direction, but affecting all areas of your life, and

597
00:33:24.079 --> 00:33:27.119
that's so powerful because I've had so many clients and

598
00:33:27.200 --> 00:33:32.720
so many of my friends in relationships where it starts

599
00:33:32.720 --> 00:33:35.799
off one way and there's all these red flags. Don't

600
00:33:35.799 --> 00:33:37.920
think that the red flags weren't flying, but it starts

601
00:33:37.920 --> 00:33:40.039
off one way and they make you feel good and

602
00:33:40.079 --> 00:33:42.200
all this stuff and all this stuff's going on, and

603
00:33:42.200 --> 00:33:45.240
then the mask begins to come off. And the problem is,

604
00:33:45.240 --> 00:33:49.200
you're right, it does affect all aspects. You can't compartmentalize

605
00:33:49.960 --> 00:33:54.359
the stress, the anxiety, the fear. And then also, I

606
00:33:54.359 --> 00:33:57.960
think the other thing too, is that internal battle that

607
00:33:58.160 --> 00:34:00.680
everybody has in these types of relationship where it's like

608
00:34:00.720 --> 00:34:04.000
I should get out, but I can't. I love them,

609
00:34:04.319 --> 00:34:07.880
but I need to save myself. You know, I'm in

610
00:34:07.920 --> 00:34:10.239
love with them, but I need to save myself and

611
00:34:10.239 --> 00:34:12.519
get myself out of this and I got to move forward, okay,

612
00:34:12.559 --> 00:34:14.119
you know, and it's like I can do this, I

613
00:34:14.119 --> 00:34:16.039
can handle it. And you're right, it's almost like it

614
00:34:16.039 --> 00:34:18.519
it really is like an addiction. It's really it really is.

615
00:34:18.599 --> 00:34:21.679
It's it's hard because it's like okay, you know, uh,

616
00:34:22.199 --> 00:34:25.280
you know, there's you're strong for a little bit and

617
00:34:25.320 --> 00:34:27.639
then all of a sudden, they come back around Hoover

618
00:34:27.760 --> 00:34:30.000
and they come back around, love bombing, they come around,

619
00:34:30.199 --> 00:34:33.159
back around and need, I need you desperately, please be

620
00:34:33.239 --> 00:34:37.480
there for me. And then you know, because you care

621
00:34:37.679 --> 00:34:40.159
and what have you, and because you still have feelings

622
00:34:40.239 --> 00:34:44.760
you you decided to jump into that and so you agree.

623
00:34:44.760 --> 00:34:47.440
Though it's effected every every relationship, right, and then it

624
00:34:47.599 --> 00:34:50.400
just magnifies the stress level that you have in your

625
00:34:50.400 --> 00:34:51.119
life as well.

626
00:34:52.440 --> 00:34:56.360
Well. Yeah, because I talked to a lot of my

627
00:34:56.400 --> 00:35:00.880
family and friends about this relationship, because I needed someone

628
00:35:00.920 --> 00:35:03.880
to talk to. I mean, it was it was causing

629
00:35:03.960 --> 00:35:06.360
me so much stress, and it was it was upsetting

630
00:35:06.400 --> 00:35:11.239
me so much. I mean, the sadness that that the

631
00:35:11.280 --> 00:35:15.199
fights would produce within me. You can't bottle it up.

632
00:35:15.199 --> 00:35:19.280
You have to talk to someone. And unfortunately, a lot

633
00:35:19.360 --> 00:35:22.559
of my close friends are in my home state of Arizona.

634
00:35:22.639 --> 00:35:25.960
I live in Denver now, and I need somebody that

635
00:35:26.000 --> 00:35:29.599
I can actually speak to. And you know, I'm not

636
00:35:29.639 --> 00:35:32.000
going to speak negatively about my ex wife, but one

637
00:35:32.039 --> 00:35:35.239
of the things that she did during the divorce was

638
00:35:35.320 --> 00:35:38.079
she said we would tell all of our mutual friends together.

639
00:35:38.519 --> 00:35:41.039
There were a lot of couples that we had as

640
00:35:41.119 --> 00:35:43.679
mutual friends. And I said, that's a good idea. And

641
00:35:43.719 --> 00:35:46.199
then the first thing she did was go and tell

642
00:35:46.239 --> 00:35:48.840
all of these people. And I lost a lot of

643
00:35:49.079 --> 00:35:52.840
guy friends that I need, you know, just to spend

644
00:35:52.880 --> 00:35:58.559
time with, especially during the turmoil of this relationship. And

645
00:35:58.639 --> 00:36:01.639
so since I didn't have any these close guy friends,

646
00:36:02.719 --> 00:36:05.079
I would just reach out to whoever I thought was

647
00:36:05.159 --> 00:36:08.079
qualified to listen to me and give me advice. And

648
00:36:08.119 --> 00:36:12.920
that included my my twin brother, Tim, my mother, my

649
00:36:13.119 --> 00:36:18.639
aunt on the East Coast, my mom's sister, my friend Lisa,

650
00:36:18.920 --> 00:36:21.800
and these people all said the same thing. It was

651
00:36:21.840 --> 00:36:24.480
like they were listening to each other give advice to me,

652
00:36:25.599 --> 00:36:28.280
and they were repeating what the other person was saying.

653
00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:32.280
And you know, if there's almost saying this the exact

654
00:36:32.280 --> 00:36:37.039
same thing, that they got to be right. And yet

655
00:36:37.079 --> 00:36:39.159
I would ignore them, and I would go back to

656
00:36:39.280 --> 00:36:43.679
trying to fix the problems in our relationship, always remaining

657
00:36:43.679 --> 00:36:46.400
an optimist. And I mean, ask me, how many times

658
00:36:46.480 --> 00:36:48.920
did I tell you that we had broken up and

659
00:36:48.960 --> 00:36:51.760
then you find out later we were back together again? Oh?

660
00:36:51.840 --> 00:36:56.320
Yeah, yeah, there were several several times. But you're not

661
00:36:56.400 --> 00:36:58.480
you know, that's not different from you know, it's not like,

662
00:36:58.519 --> 00:37:00.000
oh my gosh, what's wrong with you?

663
00:37:00.119 --> 00:37:01.719
This is this is par for the course.

664
00:37:02.519 --> 00:37:05.000
You know, this is a no response to this type

665
00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:08.639
of situation because again at that perfect puzzle piece, right, Remember,

666
00:37:08.719 --> 00:37:10.280
it's like and that's why you know, if you think

667
00:37:10.280 --> 00:37:13.360
about sometimes with people that have BPD, like massive BPD

668
00:37:13.480 --> 00:37:18.880
tendencies fall really hardcore for somebody with massive narcissistic tendencies

669
00:37:18.920 --> 00:37:22.159
because the narcissists is so self absorbed about themselves, right,

670
00:37:22.360 --> 00:37:24.840
and the BPD is trying to get attention, and so

671
00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:27.440
you have that's a really interesting puzzle piece because they're

672
00:37:27.480 --> 00:37:29.800
always trying to get the person that's the narcissists to

673
00:37:29.920 --> 00:37:32.320
like them and to care about them, and so you know,

674
00:37:32.360 --> 00:37:35.559
they work really really hard, right, And then if you

675
00:37:35.599 --> 00:37:38.880
look at the codependency and then the BPD, and it's

676
00:37:38.920 --> 00:37:41.239
and we can't also, we can't always say that BPD

677
00:37:41.360 --> 00:37:43.199
is all by itself. We can't say that one person

678
00:37:43.239 --> 00:37:45.599
just has only BPD tendencies. I mean, there could be

679
00:37:45.639 --> 00:37:49.960
also MPD tendencies also engaged at the same time too,

680
00:37:51.000 --> 00:37:52.639
you know, because I do think that there's like a

681
00:37:52.760 --> 00:37:54.920
lack of empathy in some of the stuff that you

682
00:37:54.960 --> 00:37:58.920
know we're talking about to some degree, you know, because

683
00:37:58.920 --> 00:38:01.840
I could understand, and you know, the fear of abandonment

684
00:38:01.880 --> 00:38:04.800
by somebody has like massive BPD tendencies, and we know

685
00:38:04.880 --> 00:38:08.239
that there's a lot of you know, there's a lot

686
00:38:08.280 --> 00:38:12.079
of going from relationship to relationship in these relationships, and

687
00:38:12.320 --> 00:38:15.519
you know, monkey branching. A lot of people call it

688
00:38:15.559 --> 00:38:18.000
monkey branching. There's a lot of that going on. You know,

689
00:38:18.039 --> 00:38:19.920
if somebody has a lot of VPD tendencies because of

690
00:38:19.960 --> 00:38:21.639
their fear of abandoned, but because of the know that

691
00:38:21.679 --> 00:38:24.639
you're keeping other people on the hook because you know whatever.

692
00:38:24.719 --> 00:38:26.679
But then there seems to be though a lot of

693
00:38:26.719 --> 00:38:30.119
like lack of empathy for how you would feel about

694
00:38:30.119 --> 00:38:30.800
this as well.

695
00:38:31.800 --> 00:38:34.400
I remember one time we got into an argument and

696
00:38:35.159 --> 00:38:39.480
I like to resolve our our differences, our arguments face

697
00:38:39.519 --> 00:38:41.840
to face or at least on the phone. She wouldn't

698
00:38:41.880 --> 00:38:44.039
do that. She would only do it by text. And

699
00:38:44.079 --> 00:38:46.280
that's not a very good way of doing it. Me

700
00:38:46.360 --> 00:38:50.760
can misinterpret what somebody is saying. But one time she

701
00:38:50.920 --> 00:38:54.159
actually sent me a text that said you are hurting me.

702
00:38:54.400 --> 00:38:56.440
And I remember when she sent that to me, it

703
00:38:56.639 --> 00:39:00.559
just hit me like maybe I really am doing something

704
00:39:00.639 --> 00:39:02.559
wrong here. So I called her up and I said

705
00:39:02.639 --> 00:39:05.480
I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was hurting. You

706
00:39:05.519 --> 00:39:08.239
tell me what it was that I said or did

707
00:39:08.440 --> 00:39:12.679
so I understand, and she told me, and I felt

708
00:39:13.519 --> 00:39:16.559
I felt bad. She had a valid point. And then

709
00:39:17.559 --> 00:39:19.719
this past week, even though we've been broken up for

710
00:39:19.760 --> 00:39:23.840
a while, she did some horrific things to me, And

711
00:39:24.039 --> 00:39:28.239
when I told her what she had done, instead of

712
00:39:28.320 --> 00:39:32.039
listening to me and saying, you're right, I'm sorry because

713
00:39:32.079 --> 00:39:35.719
it was it's obvious that I mean, in a nutshell,

714
00:39:36.079 --> 00:39:38.039
she was still telling me that she loves me, that

715
00:39:38.119 --> 00:39:40.119
she's in love with me, that she wants to work

716
00:39:40.119 --> 00:39:43.199
on things. And then I found out she's going over

717
00:39:43.239 --> 00:39:46.239
to her male neighbor's house and having sex almost every

718
00:39:46.280 --> 00:39:51.400
single night, and it just stunned me. It hit me

719
00:39:51.519 --> 00:39:54.239
hard even right now talking about it. I have this

720
00:39:54.320 --> 00:39:59.079
weight in my chest and it's hard for me to process.

721
00:39:59.239 --> 00:40:03.239
And you would just telling her that what she had

722
00:40:03.280 --> 00:40:07.840
done is inexcusable, and it just left me reeling. But

723
00:40:08.000 --> 00:40:10.840
instead she would defend herself and she would say, well,

724
00:40:10.840 --> 00:40:14.239
we're not together, and I'm thinking, you've got to be

725
00:40:14.320 --> 00:40:16.280
kidding me. That's how you're going to respond, And so

726
00:40:17.119 --> 00:40:20.199
it it made me realize that. I don't think there's

727
00:40:20.239 --> 00:40:22.239
just BPD going on there. There's got to be some

728
00:40:22.320 --> 00:40:29.159
kind of NPD or some socio sociopathic tendencies in there,

729
00:40:29.199 --> 00:40:31.519
because why else would you not feel any kind of

730
00:40:31.519 --> 00:40:34.599
shame or remorse, no guilt whatsoever.

731
00:40:35.320 --> 00:40:37.199
Yeah, because that would be that would be hand in

732
00:40:37.239 --> 00:40:39.559
hand and to feel that. And we're gonna talk about

733
00:40:39.599 --> 00:40:41.519
more about that here in our next segment because I

734
00:40:41.599 --> 00:40:45.119
feel like, you know, if that is happening and you're

735
00:40:45.239 --> 00:40:47.360
just in the sphere of abandonment, you're just trying to

736
00:40:47.440 --> 00:40:49.400
keep people on because you don't want to ever be alone,

737
00:40:49.440 --> 00:40:51.199
and you fear ever being alone, and so you have

738
00:40:51.280 --> 00:40:54.400
this compulsory you know concept to monkey Branch. I still

739
00:40:54.400 --> 00:40:56.519
don't know why you wouldn't have some sort of remorse

740
00:40:56.760 --> 00:40:59.079
and feel bad about what's happening. And you know, I

741
00:40:59.119 --> 00:41:01.559
think that's something that we have address as well. Stay tuned,

742
00:41:01.599 --> 00:41:03.119
Chris and I will be back here in just a minute,

743
00:41:03.199 --> 00:41:05.920
Live your True Life Perspectives with me, Your host, Ashley Burgers,

744
00:41:05.920 --> 00:41:07.599
will be back in I'll be back this time in

745
00:41:07.679 --> 00:41:13.400
two shakes.

746
00:41:24.039 --> 00:41:28.159
Get in here. You're listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

747
00:41:31.000 --> 00:41:33.119
Welcome back live to live your true life perspectives, and

748
00:41:33.159 --> 00:41:36.960
I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. Today we've talked about relationships

749
00:41:37.000 --> 00:41:40.199
with somebody with BPD and being able to understand and

750
00:41:40.239 --> 00:41:42.920
recognize it, but also dealing with the love bombing and

751
00:41:43.000 --> 00:41:45.360
the push and pull, but also the lies and the

752
00:41:45.360 --> 00:41:48.559
deceit that goes along as well. And it's interesting because

753
00:41:48.639 --> 00:41:50.719
I think a lot of people, when you're in the situation,

754
00:41:50.880 --> 00:41:53.239
you think you're alone. You don't think there's anybody there

755
00:41:53.320 --> 00:41:55.639
that understands you, and a lot of your family and

756
00:41:55.679 --> 00:41:58.599
friends don't honestly understand you. They don't understand you because

757
00:41:58.599 --> 00:42:01.079
they've never been in a relationship like that, or they're

758
00:42:01.119 --> 00:42:03.079
not aware that they have a lot of people are

759
00:42:03.119 --> 00:42:05.559
not even aware of it, and they're not They think.

760
00:42:05.480 --> 00:42:06.119
It's just simple.

761
00:42:06.280 --> 00:42:07.760
You can just move on, you can just do this.

762
00:42:07.800 --> 00:42:09.519
Why can't you just get a backbone? Why can't you

763
00:42:09.559 --> 00:42:12.559
do this? So many comments that make it even worse

764
00:42:12.840 --> 00:42:15.000
for the person in the relationship, makes it even worse

765
00:42:15.039 --> 00:42:16.679
because you're like, well, why can't I do this? So

766
00:42:16.719 --> 00:42:19.760
then you start questioning yourself dealing with all this other stuff,

767
00:42:20.119 --> 00:42:22.320
creating even more stress and anxiety in your life. And

768
00:42:22.400 --> 00:42:24.800
Chris has been live with me today. And you know, Chris,

769
00:42:24.840 --> 00:42:26.360
I know that you're you know, you're coming on the

770
00:42:26.400 --> 00:42:29.840
shows to help other people, to help other men and

771
00:42:29.920 --> 00:42:33.360
other women who are in this position to understand and

772
00:42:33.480 --> 00:42:36.400
to you know, see things clearly and to start moving

773
00:42:36.440 --> 00:42:38.880
with their gut and that sort of thing. So what

774
00:42:39.000 --> 00:42:40.639
is some advice that you have? And I know that

775
00:42:40.679 --> 00:42:42.599
we're going to talk more in some future shows on

776
00:42:42.920 --> 00:42:45.480
the impact that has on your finances, your children, your

777
00:42:45.519 --> 00:42:49.360
other relationships, your you know, your work, and your health

778
00:42:49.440 --> 00:42:51.440
and your psyche and you and your mental health and

779
00:42:51.480 --> 00:42:53.880
your in your physical health and your spiritual health. But

780
00:42:54.400 --> 00:42:56.599
what what is some advice that you would give somebody

781
00:42:56.639 --> 00:42:57.679
right now that's going.

782
00:42:57.480 --> 00:42:59.800
Through it or in the process of it and questioning them.

783
00:43:01.920 --> 00:43:08.000
Well, even early on, I just have these feelings that

784
00:43:09.039 --> 00:43:13.880
she's a nice girl. She checks all the boxes. We

785
00:43:13.920 --> 00:43:15.840
had a lot in common. In fact, I remember I

786
00:43:15.920 --> 00:43:19.519
was speaking with my therapist at one time and she said, Chris,

787
00:43:20.360 --> 00:43:22.880
you're listing all of the reasons why you shouldn't be

788
00:43:22.920 --> 00:43:25.159
with her, So why are you with her? And I said,

789
00:43:25.360 --> 00:43:28.159
because we have a lot in common, That was my response.

790
00:43:29.159 --> 00:43:34.000
I mean, looking back, I ignored so many reasons the

791
00:43:34.039 --> 00:43:38.199
red flags why I should not be with her, and

792
00:43:38.239 --> 00:43:43.079
the damage that it caused to my personal and professional life.

793
00:43:43.639 --> 00:43:50.440
It's terrific. I mean, like I mentioned previously, my son

794
00:43:51.199 --> 00:43:53.320
is not living with me right now. He's eleven years old.

795
00:43:53.360 --> 00:43:55.440
He's been living with his mom for the last year

796
00:43:55.679 --> 00:43:59.639
because she attacked me in my front yard one day

797
00:43:59.719 --> 00:44:01.360
and I had to call the police on her, and

798
00:44:01.440 --> 00:44:05.800
she was charged with domestic violence. She ended up escaping

799
00:44:05.840 --> 00:44:10.679
that charge because I ultimately chose not to testify against her,

800
00:44:11.079 --> 00:44:14.880
like a sucker. But my son witnessed the fight and

801
00:44:14.880 --> 00:44:17.480
he was so traumatized by it he doesn't want to

802
00:44:17.519 --> 00:44:19.880
live at me right now. So I spent thousands of

803
00:44:19.960 --> 00:44:26.320
dollars on attorney's fees and family counseling just to get

804
00:44:26.400 --> 00:44:28.280
him back. And I know that he sees me as

805
00:44:28.320 --> 00:44:31.559
a different person, but I still think that he has

806
00:44:31.599 --> 00:44:35.000
trust issues right now. So there's that, and then there's

807
00:44:35.280 --> 00:44:40.400
the financial fallout. If I revealed to you the financial

808
00:44:40.480 --> 00:44:42.840
damage that she's done to me. I went in I

809
00:44:42.840 --> 00:44:44.960
met her with an eight thirty five credit score and

810
00:44:45.000 --> 00:44:48.440
it's currently below six hundred and I'm working on building

811
00:44:48.440 --> 00:44:50.760
it back. I was put on a performance plan at

812
00:44:50.800 --> 00:44:55.559
work because she was affecting my mental and emotional states

813
00:44:55.679 --> 00:44:58.559
so much, and I got off that performance plan. But

814
00:44:58.719 --> 00:45:02.639
I mean, I could have gotten a promotion if that

815
00:45:02.679 --> 00:45:06.880
hadn't happened. And so if I were to give any advice,

816
00:45:08.480 --> 00:45:12.880
if you think that something is off and you have

817
00:45:12.960 --> 00:45:19.559
sneaking suspicions, go with those gut feelings, because it's one

818
00:45:19.559 --> 00:45:21.840
thing for them to say something. She was really good

819
00:45:21.880 --> 00:45:23.920
at saying all of the right things, but her actions

820
00:45:23.920 --> 00:45:26.920
were not congruent with her words. And I saw this

821
00:45:27.039 --> 00:45:31.239
and I ignored it, and I put her before the

822
00:45:31.280 --> 00:45:33.840
people in my life that mattered the most, my close

823
00:45:33.880 --> 00:45:36.639
friends and my family, the people that have always been

824
00:45:36.679 --> 00:45:41.079
there for me. And that's an incredibly selfish thing to do,

825
00:45:42.119 --> 00:45:45.559
especially when I felt like she put herself and her

826
00:45:45.880 --> 00:45:50.440
friends and family before me. And I've said it to

827
00:45:50.480 --> 00:45:53.199
many people that if I could go back in time

828
00:45:53.440 --> 00:45:56.639
and not swipe right on her, then I would have

829
00:45:56.679 --> 00:45:59.679
done that, because I would be sitting in a different

830
00:45:59.679 --> 00:46:00.400
place right now.

831
00:46:01.840 --> 00:46:03.800
And you're not alone, Chris, and Chris is here to

832
00:46:03.840 --> 00:46:06.320
help and to inspire, because once you've gone through so

833
00:46:06.440 --> 00:46:08.760
much pain, you want to help others not have to

834
00:46:08.800 --> 00:46:10.320
feel it. But I know that this is also a

835
00:46:10.320 --> 00:46:12.480
personal quest that many people have to go through, but

836
00:46:12.519 --> 00:46:14.519
it's good to know that other people are going through

837
00:46:14.559 --> 00:46:15.559
it and are making, you know, and.

838
00:46:15.679 --> 00:46:16.639
Trying to work over it.

839
00:46:16.920 --> 00:46:19.400
You know, Chris, I appreciate you coming on the show,

840
00:46:19.559 --> 00:46:21.400
and I'd like to have you on on some and

841
00:46:21.400 --> 00:46:24.400
talking about some other pieces to the puzzle, because you know,

842
00:46:24.440 --> 00:46:26.480
these are several pieces of it, but you know, to

843
00:46:26.559 --> 00:46:29.480
really show that full picture. And you know, this is

844
00:46:29.519 --> 00:46:32.239
normal to have this type of situation where everything else

845
00:46:32.280 --> 00:46:34.239
goes on the back burner because we're trying so hard

846
00:46:34.239 --> 00:46:37.880
to keep that person around, trying to keep the arguments down,

847
00:46:38.079 --> 00:46:40.639
trying to not you know, you know, rock the boat

848
00:46:40.719 --> 00:46:42.679
and just kind of dealing with it. But also that

849
00:46:42.800 --> 00:46:46.440
emotional pull because of thinking about how the relationship was

850
00:46:46.519 --> 00:46:49.760
like in the beginning and and and remembering those love

851
00:46:49.800 --> 00:46:52.159
bombing times and having to put those thoughts out of

852
00:46:52.199 --> 00:46:57.760
our head as well. And I understand that, and Chris, Chris,

853
00:46:57.800 --> 00:47:01.920
I appreciate you, and I appreciate your ice for anybody

854
00:47:01.920 --> 00:47:04.159
out there as well. And so let's if you, if

855
00:47:04.159 --> 00:47:05.960
you don't mind coming back on, we can talk about

856
00:47:05.960 --> 00:47:11.079
those other impacts, because it does impact your entire life,

857
00:47:11.119 --> 00:47:12.800
and it does impact how you do.

858
00:47:13.800 --> 00:47:17.880
I would love to because even though it's it's embarrassing

859
00:47:17.960 --> 00:47:21.719
to me to talk about some of the things that

860
00:47:21.760 --> 00:47:25.599
have happened and the dumb decisions that I've made, I

861
00:47:25.639 --> 00:47:29.159
want people to understand how you can get pulled into this,

862
00:47:29.920 --> 00:47:33.159
how being in a relationship with a person like this

863
00:47:33.440 --> 00:47:37.079
is almost like a drug, and how almost impossible it

864
00:47:37.119 --> 00:47:39.960
is to break away. Because even right now talking about it,

865
00:47:40.119 --> 00:47:44.360
knowing the things that she has done to me, the lying,

866
00:47:44.480 --> 00:47:49.920
the cheating, stealing from me, flashing two of my tires,

867
00:47:51.239 --> 00:47:55.760
I still miss her. And people are probably wondering what's

868
00:47:55.800 --> 00:47:57.719
wrong with this guy? He must be crazy? But no,

869
00:47:57.840 --> 00:48:01.760
I mean it's it. When it's a battle between the

870
00:48:01.840 --> 00:48:04.159
heart and the minds, the heart usually wins.

871
00:48:05.599 --> 00:48:08.280
That's true, Chris, Thank you so much. If everybody out

872
00:48:08.280 --> 00:48:12.119
there that's dealing with this, eventually it will work out.

873
00:48:12.239 --> 00:48:14.519
Eventually you will be able to move on. It takes

874
00:48:14.559 --> 00:48:17.920
time and effort. These relationships are not like every other relationship,

875
00:48:17.960 --> 00:48:19.760
and so don't get down when people say, oh, you

876
00:48:19.760 --> 00:48:21.599
should be over it or you should just let it go.

877
00:48:22.000 --> 00:48:23.039
Don't get down by that.

878
00:48:23.159 --> 00:48:26.239
Don't judge yourself because they don't understand what they're talking about.

879
00:48:26.239 --> 00:48:29.760
They're giving you advice from a limited perspective and they

880
00:48:30.079 --> 00:48:31.159
just don't get it.

881
00:48:31.199 --> 00:48:32.280
And so please don't.

882
00:48:32.119 --> 00:48:34.440
Fall for that. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just

883
00:48:34.480 --> 00:48:37.639
realize that you're in a situation, you know, and there's

884
00:48:37.679 --> 00:48:40.119
a big trauma bond here that you have to get over.

885
00:48:40.519 --> 00:48:42.920
Part of it is, you know, understanding why you're in it,

886
00:48:42.960 --> 00:48:45.519
and then the part of it is letting go. Stay tuned,

887
00:48:45.519 --> 00:48:48.719
we got more shows coming up, and don't change the channel,

888
00:48:48.719 --> 00:48:50.480
but we have a new show up just next week,

889
00:48:50.559 --> 00:48:53.320
lib Ature Life Perspectives with your host me Ashley Burgess,

890
00:48:53.320 --> 00:48:55.559
will be back in I'll be back this time, you

891
00:48:55.599 --> 00:49:04.800
know it. I'll be back this time in three shakes.