Oct. 13, 2026

The Narcissistic Relationship Completely Deconstructed - No More Questioning Yourself

Show Notes
Transcript

If you think you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, this podcast will make it extremely clear and you can stop guessing whether you are or aren’t. In the beginning of these relationships you believe you have met your soul mate, it feels good in the beginning. You feel as though you have met the perfect person for you. In today's episode, I am fully discussing the love bombing phase, the confusion phase, the denial phase, and the awareness phase where you see the truth and can’t go back.

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You're in a good place now. You are listening to

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Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Hi, and welcome back to the

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Ashley Burgess podcast. In today's podcast, I will be discussing

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the three main defining moments that define a narcissistic relationship.

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The first is confusion. The second is denial. And the

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third is the awareness of the trauma bond and recognizing

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the trauma bond is actually not real love. Okay, so

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let's begin with this, because I think that a lot

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of people find themselves in these relationships. There's a tendency

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of finding yourself in a narcissistic relationship, and it's not

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until you kind of get into it that you begin

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to realize that things are not as they seem. You

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begin to question things. You begin to wonder. You begin

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to question, well, how did I get in this? What happened?

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Why did I find myself here? You may even get

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angry with yourself. But a lot of this all begins

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with the confusion piece. And we're going to be talking

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about that right now. In the beginning of a narcissistic relationship,

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especially a romantic relationship, even a friendship, a deep friendship relationship,

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you're going to find yourself in the beginning feeling like

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you have literally met a soulmate. this person that's amazing

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that you just think, oh my gosh, I have so

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much fun with them. They're so interesting. I really enjoy

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being around them. And it's, it's, it's very nice. It's very,

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it feels good. And in the beginning, it does feel good.

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And you feel like you have all these things in

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common and you start relishing in the fact that we

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have all this in common and you're like, wow, this

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is amazing. Well, over time, things kind of change. But

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in the beginning, we believe it. So in the beginning,

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there's this really great phase. A lot of us call

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it the love bombing phase. We get that. And the

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person is literally giving us all this attention. And many

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of you may be coming from a background of having

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codependent tendencies where you were taking care of mom and

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dad when you were a kid. You were going out

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of your way, doing things to be needed. And so

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it's nice to have a bunch of attention coming your

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way because usually you're the one giving all the attention.

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You may find yourself with more, well, borderline personality traits

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where there's a fear of abandon and a fear of

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being alone, your fear of being abandoned and your fear

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of living this life by yourself. And so this person

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comes into your life and seems to say all the

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right things. You know, they want to have a deep relationship.

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They want to get married. They want to have this

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and that. And you start thinking, wow, I finally met

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somebody and I'm not going to have to be alone

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for the rest of my life. This is feeling very good.

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And this person is giving me a lot of attention

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and making me feel very good. Amazing. And that's how

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it begins. Also, oftentimes, this person will give small sacrifices

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as far as putting you first and putting themselves on

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the back burner, per se. Maybe not necessarily the real case,

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but it appears that way. And in the beginning, many

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of you divulge most of very important information about yourself.

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In the beginning, you divulge things that you might not divulge.

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And in the beginning of a narcissistic relationship, many times

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if we have codependent tendencies, we tell that person everything,

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not thinking that this will come back to haunt us

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later on in life. Remember, we don't always realize that

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because in the beginning we're feeling so good, we're feeling

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so much love, we're feeling all this acceptance, we're feeling

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all this attention, but we're not really ready for what's

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going to happen on the other side. And so this

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podcast is directed for anybody that's in a current relationship

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where you've realized that. that you've been in denial or

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you're in confusion or you've realized that this isn't true love.

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This is also for anybody that has just entered into

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a relationship where it seems too good to be true

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because this person seems to be giving you all this

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attention and you're feeling so good about it. I'm not

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trying to be a pessimist, but I want you to

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know what you're dealing with or the possibility of what

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you may be dealing with. It's good to see things

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in the beginning and not look back and say, wow,

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the red flags were flying and I didn't see any

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of them. I overlooked them all. OK, so the confusion

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factor is very interesting because in the beginning of the

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narcissistic relationship, the attention and the connection and you're doing

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stuff with this person 24 hours a day, seven days

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a week. It feels good if you're needing that attention.

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It feels good if you don't want to be abandoned.

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It feels very good. For some of you, it may

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feel too intense and a little too much. And you

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might actually exit stage right thinking, this doesn't seem very

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right to me. If that's the case and you've done that, well,

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you probably had a more secure upbringing. You probably didn't

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have to be codependent in your nature with your family dynamic.

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And you probably had some very healthy parent dynamics. So

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it's not something that seems commonplace. Some of you find

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yourself in these narcissistic relationships because they feel so normal.

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They feel like home because that's what you dealt with

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with mom or dad or both. It's very important to

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understand because. When something feels normal to us, when something

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feels like old school, we can interpret that and misinterpret

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that as well. So we could misinterpret a narcissistic relationship

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as a twin flame or a soulmate because this feels

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like home, even though the concept of feeling like home

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is probably because of the concept of your mom or

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your dad were very self-centered, very narcissistic, and thought mostly

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only about themselves, and you had to work hard to

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get their attention. So what happens in these relationships is

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the first few weeks and the first few months are

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very exciting. Most of you have gotten in a relationship

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and your friends and family don't really hear from you

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because you don't have time for other people. You are

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literally engrossed in this other person. And over time, you're

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telling this person everything. You're telling them your deepest, darkest secrets.

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And you don't realize that this is going to become

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forever ammunition later on when they decide to use it

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against you. Remember, when a narcissist is asking you a question,

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and you might not know it's a narcissist in the beginning,

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but if somebody is very inquisitive in the very beginning,

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asking you lots of questions and they are not your

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therapist or your life coach, you might want to beware

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a little bit. It's good to hold back sometimes and

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not tell and divulge everything because you don't really know

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who you're divulging everything to. And I want you to

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think about that. It takes time to develop a solid relationship.

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It takes time to feel comfortable and safe around somebody.

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And I want you to really think about that. Not

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everybody deserves the keys to the castle. Not everybody even

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needs to know where the castle is. Time is the

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only defense that we have. The only way that you

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usually find out about people is, one, being super aware. Two,

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realizing our family dynamics and seeing how that impacts our relationship.

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And three... being able to see the red flags and

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not ignore them. In any narcissistic relationship, there are multiple

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red flags. Unfortunately, because of the love bombing and the attention,

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you tend to overlook it. And it's not until it's

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too late that you realize it. Too late meaning you're

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in a relationship or you're married or you have children

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and you said, oh my God, what have I done now? Okay,

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now I got to get myself out of this conundrum.

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And I know many of you have gotten into this

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conundrum and then gotten angry with yourself and turned it

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in on yourself. And why do we do that? Why

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do we turn the anger of being in a narcissistic

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relationship on ourselves? We do that because we can't really

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have a conversation with narcissists. the narcissist is always going

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to turn the argument around anyway, making it our problem anyhow.

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So even if they are an overt, a covert, or

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a malignant narcissist, we are always the one that is

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to blame and they will find fault in us and

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then make us feel bad throughout the relationship. But this

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doesn't start till, well, a little later. Remember, there has

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to be a honeymoon phase. Now, one of the biggest

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caveats that I want to stress in this conversation today

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is that the honeymoon stage is not real the honeymoon

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stage in a narcissistic relationship is just that it is

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theater it is not real it is not about truth

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it is about manipulation and control in no way shape

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or form is the beginning of this relationship who they

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are In the narcissistic relationships, the beginning is only illusion.

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It is an illusion created by them, the narcissist, to

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get you to divulge your life, to get you to

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tell them everything, so that later on they can hold

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you hostage as a slave in this relationship. I'm very

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honest when I say that. And the problem is, is

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that it's almost like you figure it out too late.

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It's like you've already opened your mouth. You've said all

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these things about family and past relationships and friends and

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all that. And they're taking their little record of whatever

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you've said. And they make sure that that's right here.

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They don't forget one thing when it comes to you.

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Especially anything that you've done that might not be completely

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perfect at all times. They keep a ledger of all that.

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And in the process of keeping that ledger, they have

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enough about you and enough dirt to use for the

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rest of your life. And most of the time, the

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dirt that the narcissist is going to use on you

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is repeated over and over again. You get to hear

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the same things over and over again, and they use

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those things to make you feel bad about yourself and

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make you the enemy in the problem so that they

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can be the victim and they can make you feel

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bad for them and do more things for them. This

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is very important to understand. Okay, so in the beginning,

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we have this great relationship, which really is not great,

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but we think it. And unfortunately, many of you actually

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believe the beginning of a narcissistic relationship is true. And

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this is the first thing that I want you to

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understand is that the beginning of a narcissistic relationship is

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anything but reality. It's no reality. There is absolutely zero

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relationship reality in a narcissistic relationship in the beginning. That

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is to set the stage to have a relationship that

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the narcissist can control you with. It's almost like, you know,

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being like questioned by like foreign spies and you've given

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them all this information about you and you think this

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is great and fun. But then later on, this is

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all going to be used against you and it's not

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going to be good. And so I want you to

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think about it. The confusion starts when the mask of

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the narcissist, the lie, the theater ends. When the theater

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of the narcissist begins to change and things can begin

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to modulate, you begin to get confused as to what's

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really happening. What was happening before isn't happening now. The

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connection that you thought you had with them doesn't seem

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to be. The arguments seem to be steadier and steadier

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and more intense, and you start feeling more, well, sadness, depression, anger,

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feeling upset, feeling lost, because what you believe to be

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the truth isn't the truth, but you don't realize that yet.

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You actually think that there's something that you have done

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to make this person change their feelings about you. something

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you've done. And I need you to really think about this,

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whether you find yourself more in the codependent camp or

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more in the borderline camp or what have you, whether

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you have more codependent tendencies, borderline tendencies, or what, even

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if you look at attachment styles, I need you to

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start realizing that the beginning of this relationship is not honest.

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Nothing about it is true. They are literally creating fiction

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So that they can use you for supply. And they

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do this with every relationship. This isn't just you. And

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I don't want you to think, well, what does that mean?

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It's not like they just found the one victim and

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they're like, okay, I'm going to go out for this person.

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This is how they victimize everybody. They victimize everybody this way.

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So the narcissist will make you the problem, make them

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the victim. And that's how they actually reverse victimize you

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in the relationship. And in the beginning, you thought this

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was never going to happen. It's almost like whiplash. And

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now that's why the confusion happens midway in a narcissistic

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relationship where you're wondering... Why can't I get back to

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the beginning? Why can't I get back to that fun

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times when everything was working out? Well, the reason why

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you can't get back to the beginnings of a relationship

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when you have a narcissistic relationship is because the beginning

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was not real. There was no truth in that. That

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was literally theatrics. Very good acting jobs. Very, very good.

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I give a round of applause for the acting jobs

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by the narcissist because they are so good at it.

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The other thing, though, is that they are good at it,

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but yet also you have blinders on to the red

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flags of what's happening in this relationship. You are choosing

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to not see it, whether it's because of upbringing, because

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it's so commonplace, or because you are feeling good because

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you're getting the attention. Whatever that is, we need to

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be aware of that. And so what happens here is

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several months in past the love bombing stage. And now

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all of a sudden things are kind of getting a

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little not so good. There's more arguments. There's more comments

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about you. There's more put downs about you. There's more

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victimization of themselves. You start saying, huh, this is very different. But,

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you know, I think maybe if I keep doing more things,

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maybe if I spend more money, maybe if we go

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on more trips, right? Maybe if we go to more

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expensive restaurants. Maybe if I buy them clothes. And this

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is both women and men, straight and gay. Maybe if

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I do this, I'll get them back. Maybe they're going

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through a tough time. Maybe I've hurt them. And then

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what happens is their victimization of you makes you feel

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bad because you see the narcissist as a victim. And

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you start giving more and more. And because you see

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them as a victim, you keep giving them a pass

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to abuse you. And I'm talking about all kinds of abuse,

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whether it's mental, emotional, financial, physical. Physicals usually last in

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most of these relationships because a narcissist doesn't want anybody

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to actually see the truth. They want to do everything

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behind closed doors. A narcissist wants you to keep the

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relationship quiet from others. because they do not want others

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to know what they do to you. They want everybody

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to see them as this wonderful person that can do

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no wrong. The narcissist is good at creating this illusion

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where everybody thinks they are so nice and kind, but

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that's not the truth. The moment that you get home,

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they will beat you down, mentally beat you down, go

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off on some forever ammunition. Oh yeah, what about your ex?

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Or what about this? Or I saw that text. I

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know who that is. Or what did you do to

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your ex-wife? Or what did you do to your ex-husband?

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I don't know. I can't trust you. Okay. And so

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all of a sudden, you begin to get berated for

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your past. And you told them the stuff in your past.

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And unfortunately, they are using it completely against you. So

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you begin to get more and more confused. And a

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lot of you, especially if you have codependent tendencies, will

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turn it inside of yourself. It's my problem. It's my issue.

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I'm going to beat myself up. I need to do more.

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If you have BPD tendencies, I can overlook this. Things

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will get better. At least I'm here. I have somebody here.

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I'm not alone. Things will get better. I will work

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through this. And it goes through that. And then if

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you have BPD tendencies, and you're in a relationship with

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a narcissist, you're still trying to get their attention from

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the beginning. So that's where the game is played with

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somebody with borderline is the narcissist gives all that attention

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to the borderline. The borderline is getting all his attention

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and then the narcissist pulls the attention away. And the

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borderline wants that so badly because they've been wanting that attention.

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And now it becomes almost a hardcore game to get

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them to find that love and to find that for you.

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Codependency is very much the same. You can see it.

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It almost looks very similar sometimes to BPD in the

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sense of trying to get the attention of the narcissist.

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You had the attention. At least you thought you had

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the attention in the beginning, which was just a ruse.

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And now you're trying to get something. You know, it's interesting.

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It kind of reminds you when you were in elementary

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school or middle school and you wanted one kid to

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like you and that kid didn't like you and you

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worked really hard to get that kid to like you

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and it didn't happen. And you would wake up every

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day thinking about that. Same thing applies in relationships. When

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you had the attention of somebody at one time and

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you don't have it now, you confuse the beginning as reality.

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You work really hard to get it and you put

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that first beyond everything else, losing all your very good,

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solid relationships. The biggest issue, too, when you're in a

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narcissistic relationship, they want to separate you from everyone. They

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want to separate you from anyone that has any knowledge base.

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They want to separate you from anybody that can give

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you any advice. And they want you to be by

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yourself so that they can destroy you even more. The

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narcissist wants you to be by yourself. Even if you're

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a gregarious person and have lots of friends, that's the

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first opportunity after the love bombing phase is to eliminate

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those friends from your life. They literally want you all

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to their self and then they can do whatever they

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decide to do on their own. It's almost as if

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the narcissist relishes in the fact that you're on your

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own because when you finally get on your own and

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you lose the support system, that's when they really mess

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with you. That's when they really mess with you mentally

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and emotionally. And that's when they want to take you down.

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Because what they want to do is they want to

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separate you from the herd. The narcissist wants you to

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be by yourself, have no help from the outside world,

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and basically just be their mental and emotional punching bag.

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And that's what happens here. And what happens eventually is

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the confusion, that one definitive kind of like milestone here,

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you know, you see this moment of this confusion. Like

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in the beginning, you had the love bombing and everything's good.

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All of a sudden, whoa, what's happening here? It's no

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longer the same. I'm confused. Why am I confused? And

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we go through the confusion phase for a long time, again,

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overlooking the red flags. Then we start seeing the truth,

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the writing on the wall. We begin to realize this

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person's not really that nice all the time, but yet

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there's this denial, right? And the denial is based on, man,

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I spent so much time to get this relationship to work,

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but the beginning was so good. We got to get

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back there. It's going to happen. I just need to

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wait more time. I need to do more. And that

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denial piece is really hard because some people will deny

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the situation for years. Some people will stay in this

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for months and say, hey, I'm done. Some of you

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will deny this for years. Some of you will deny

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this for 15, 20 years, hoping that it'll get better

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because you don't want to be alone. You like having

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someone else around but right now you've literally sold your

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soul to the devil because now you're dealing with this

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type of crisis painful situation day after day in this

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relationship And the denial lasts for a very long time

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because the reason why denial is interesting and the confusion

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is right when you're about to pack up, right when

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it's time to head out. I mean, like things have

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not gotten lower than low. This is the lowest of

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the low. What happens? Something decent happens. Something happens. They'll

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change for a moment. They'll be nice to you for

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a moment. Maybe they'll give you a little sex for

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that moment. Maybe y'all will have a fun night having

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drinks and everything's good. You wake up the next day,

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maybe they're not yelling and screaming. Maybe they are. But

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you get at least a couple of hours of some fun.

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And you kind of remember the beginning a little bit.

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It's crumbs, but you connect the crumbs to the beginning

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and you say, oh my gosh, there is a glimpse

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of light. Things will get better. I knew it. If

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I just stayed in it long enough, things will get better.

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If I just stick in it long enough, I can

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get this to work. Because a lot of you had

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to lose your friends and family to make this work

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because the narcissist didn't want anybody in your life. And

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so you're saying, I've done all this. I've kind of

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lost a lot of stuff in my life. I got

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to make this work. I got to make it work.

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And many of you have been in failed relationships before.

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And so now your ego and your fear being looked

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at badly starts coming in. And also the thing that's

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interesting for many of you is that the narcissist is

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very good at hiding who they are. And so when

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you bring it up, maybe you have brought it up

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to friends about the situation and they're thinking, what are

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00:21:31.789 --> 00:21:34.849
you talking about? This person seems so great. What's wrong

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00:21:34.890 --> 00:21:38.470
with you? And so maybe you feel even more alone

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and you said, okay, I got to get this to work. Now,

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the biggest, I would say, defining moment for everybody out

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there that's realized this is that the biggest defining moment

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in a narcissistic relationship is when you realize that it's

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more of an addiction, a trauma bond, than there is

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any love. Like the concept of love in a narcissistic

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00:22:02.670 --> 00:22:08.390
relationship does not exist. You cannot be in a relationship

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with a narcissist and consider this unconditional love that is

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not there that is not a concept that is not

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