The Allure of Approval: Why We Seek Universal Likability [Ep.765]

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You're in a good place now.
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back live to Literature Life Perspectives, and I'm your host, Ashley

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Burgess. On today's show, I
want to talk about being liked, going

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back to our childhood and understanding how
that impacts us as adults. I know

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that when we were growing up,
we wanted to be liked. We wanted

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everybody at school to like us.
It was just natural. I don't know

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many people that didn't feel that way. Most of us were like, wow,

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you know, I want to be
liked. I want to get to

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know everybody. I want to make
all these friends and all these contacts and

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be able to connect and sit next
to anybody I want to at lunch and

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play with whoever. I want to
at recess and all that great stuff.

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And it's interesting, you know,
in elementary school, how a lot of

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the times you got along with most
people. Most people liked you, you

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got along, you were friends with
them. But it's interesting how there was

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always that one or two people that
just didn't like you. They didn't like

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you no matter what you did.
They didn't like you no matter what you

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did, no matter what you said, no matter what food you brought from

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the house for launch to share with
other people, it didn't matter because they

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didn't like you. And no matter
what you did, it didn't change.

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And you probably thought about it and
thought about it and thought about it and

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hashed it and rehashed it and hashed
it and rehashed it. Thought about it.

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Why don't they dislike me? Why
can't they like me? Why don't

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they like me? I mean,
it's me. Why can't they like me?

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What have I done wrong? What
can I do differently? How can

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I change their perspective of me?
And even at a young age, we

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thought that. At a young age, we wonder, what can I do

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to get this person to like me? And the interesting part about it is,

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even then, even in elementary school, even maybe in second grade,

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you had all these people that you
totally got along with, all these other

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kids at school that you got along
with the people that liked you and so

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forth, But that one or two
people that didn't like you took up a

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lot of your mind share made you
think about it. Now, some of

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you out there might be like,
Hey, I'm just not like that at

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all. I don't even understand that
if they don't like me, I don't

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like them. I move on.
Well, that's some really great knowledge right

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there, and I'm glad that you're
able to come from that perspective, and

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I commend that. But you had
to gotten there somehow, somehow or not.

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You got there to that space.
Now, maybe it was a learned

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response. Maybe you were growing up
in an environment where your parents told you

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that over and over again. You
have value. You don't have to worry

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about if people don't like you,
you don't have to get everybody to like

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you. And you might have come
from a position of that, but some

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of us didn't. Some of us
came from that position of wanting other people

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to like us, even if our
parents taught us one way or another,

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wanting people to like us, and
then feeling bad if somebody didn't see us

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for who we are, or misunderstood
us for that matter. Misunderstandings are really

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challenging, you know, to be
misunderstood. We feel like we're well,

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I don't know when we're miss understood. We feel we feel like we're not

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being heard. We feel we question
our reality, and it sucks because in

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the process of question on reality,
we feel like we're losing ourselves, and

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even as a kid, being misunderstood
was challenging. Even as a kid being

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misunderstood, you were just it just
didn't feel good. And I think that

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it's interesting though, too, how
much we think about it, how much

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even back then. And I have
some of my friends that we've been friends

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since elementary school, and we talk
about this about you know, the kid

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that you know used to like lock
them up in a locker, or the

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kid that didn't like them, and
the impact of that kid on them,

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and those are some interesting things.
And we look back at that and we

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think about it, and even back
in elementary school, most of us would

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pontificate on it, that one person
that didn't like it, What could you

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do to change it? What could
you do to be different? How could

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you get their attention? How could
you get them to like you? And

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some of you were able to turn
it around. You got that person to

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like you. You're able to turn
the situation around. Y'all became good friends

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and things worked out, and some
of you just could not in that ship

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around. And that's challenging because you
probably focused on a lot. And I

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know that now as adults, many
of us are in the same situation,

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we question We wonder why can't that
person like us? Or why why don't

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they like us? Or why do
they have issue with us? And I

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think that there's you know, I
think that many of us are very good

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people. We're very good people,
were very nice, outgoing, We care

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about other people, and we really
want the best for other people. And

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I think in those situations, you
don't understand why is it that that person

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doesn't really like me? Why is
that person, you know, putting on

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a false air or acting as if, you know, you know, they're

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copaesthetic with me, but they're really
not. And these are interesting questions and

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thoughts to be had, And so
I think there's a big difference. Is

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something that we have to look at, is you know, are we are

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we wanting to be liked for being
late? Are the people that we really

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want to like us? Are those
the people that like us? Or do

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we feel like the people that we
really want us to like to like us

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don't like us. Is it just
the fact that somebody doesn't like you and

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therefore you want them to like you? You know, some people it's like

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you don't really think about maybe the
quality of the person, perhaps it's just

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the fact that they don't like you, And then that becomes the thing that

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we really really focus on hardcore about
how that person doesn't like us for whatever

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reason that is. And that can
be a very interesting stance as well,

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and it can also monopolize our brain
too, and so we have to really

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look at it. Honestly, if
somebody doesn't like you, is this somebody

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that you really need in your life? That's the first thought. Is this

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somebody that you really need in your
life? Is this someone that really matters

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in your life too? If they
do really matter in your life and they

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don't like you, why do they
matter so much? What's the reasoning for

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it? Does it have anything to
do with ego? Does it have anything

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to do with people pleasing, Because
we have to eliminate those things as well.

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And then we have to also look
at things too and say, does

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this go back to the way that
I was raised. Was I raised in

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an environment where I felt like I
had to people please, or I had

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to walk on eggshells, or I
had to make people happy or whatever that

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look like. What does that look
like in my life? And that's a

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very interesting aspect as well. But
also there's a huge difference between people pleasing

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and being nice, just being honestly
nice, being genuinely who you are.

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And I think that when we're genuinely
us, authentically us, being very real

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and authentic and honest, that's a
very good thing. And when you are

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that type of person that's very authentic
and real and honest and really caring about

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people, it can be maybe disturbing
when somebody doesn't see that about you.

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It can be painful when somebody doesn't
see you as a person, you as

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an individual, you as far as
that's concerned, and that can be kind

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of overwhelming. And I understand that
very well. And it's almost like you

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feel like one they don't understand you
and your plate, which they don't probably

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because they wouldn't feel that way too. I feel like you feel misunderstood because

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a person doesn't really see your value
and you don't understand, you know,

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why they can't see you for who
you are as a person, And that

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can be really off putting as well. But also being able to take some

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of our energy because some of the
stuff too, we focus on what's not

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working in our life and who isn't
really participating in our life. And we

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don't really focus on who really is
and putting that energy into those relationships and

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really focusing on that because that one
or two relationship that you really want to

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work out, that you really care
about, and maybe that person doesn't see

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that same value in you can really
monopolize your time and take away a lot

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of your mind share, and that
can be really challenging. That can be

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not only overwhelming and the time kind
of continuum process of what we're dealing with,

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but it can monopolize your time from
getting done with other things that you

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need to do and strategically get done
in your life, and those things are

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very important for us to analyze and
acknowledge and walk through. And so being

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able to see that honestly, being
able to honestly gauge what's going on,

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and also to know that this isn't
an old trigger, because sometimes old triggers

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really, you know, they they
can be challenging and old triggers die hard,

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right. So it's kind of the
concept of, you know, if

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you were hurt in the past as
a child, you know, really wanting

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people to understand you, you feel
misunderstood. Maybe there were kids that you

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know wouldn't talk to you or weren't
your friends and how that really impacted you,

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you know, as you were growing
up. And then that fear factor

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of you know, being misunderstood,
or the fear factor of not having those

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friends or that connection can go a
long way to us going really way above

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what we need to go above to
please other people. And I've found that

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the more we people please, the
more we try to fix everything, the

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more unhappy we have a tendency of
being because I've realized that we can't always

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please people. I've realized that we
can't make someone happy. I realized that

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we really it's really really challenged you
when somebody's made it in a p of

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you, it's very hard to change
that opinion. And then also, if

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they were able to make an opinion
about you that was maybe negative in nature

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and it wasn't something that you've done, do you really want that person around

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and what's the impact of having that
person around or not having that person around?

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Because I find that to be interesting
too, is that if somebody was

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able to make a really harsh judgment
about you, do they really want Do

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they have the facility to really understand
who you are as a person, or

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have they even given you a chance
to even put yourself out there. And

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I find that a lot of times
judgment is judgment and judgments are made,

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but also we have to say,
Okay, was it something that I did

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that projected that feeling upon them?
Was it something that I did that they

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started questioning me around that situation?
And if it wasn't, okay, let's

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analyze that if it was, and
maybe having a chance to reach out and

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communicate about the situation, you might
not be able to change their minds,

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but at least being able to put
yourself out there and give your side of

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the story. On the other side, though, if it's a snap judgment

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and you are being very authentic and
honest throughout those interactions, I think that

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that's another sign that you know it's
time to kind of step back and analyze

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is this relationship worth trying to figure
out? And then when to really kind

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of step back and say, hey, this is really monopolizing my time or

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taking my time for what I really
need to focus my energies on, and

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those you know, that situation can
be challenging to see that that situation can

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be hard to recognize that that that
time when it's time to step back can

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be hard to really look at and
analyze, but we have to be able

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to do that with a clear mind. We have to be able to do

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that trigger free, and we want
to be able to do this as a

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case by case basis, not going
back to our childhood, because I know

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that many of us have those experiences, you know, where you had that

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kid that didn't like you, and
how that impacted you, how that really

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really impacted you on a daily basis, and you thought about it, and

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it's like being able to see that
and see our inner child, because I

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think part of this is our inner
child as well, you know, our

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inner child being affected by that or
feeling misunderstood. And it's not a negative

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thing. It's just a self realization
thing. It's a self awareness thing that

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we all have to process and go
through to really be successful in understanding ourselves

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and be successful and understanding the relationship
we have with ourselves and understanding ourselves better

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as to how we are impacted by
these various things, how we feel about

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these various relationships. Those types of
things are very important and it goes a

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long way for us understanding why we
do what we do and the choices we

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make, and the list goes on, and so in today's show, I

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want to talk about that because I
want to get down to the root cause

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of a lot of the reasons why
we do things and be able to analyze

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that. And I think that many
of you that listen to my content,

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that connect with my content, that
watch the video content, and you know,

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you know, clients, past clients, you know, you know,

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just content viewers that really connect.
I think you're coming from a state of

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being authentic. I think that you're
coming from a state of being aware.

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I think there's also a tendency of
wanting to please other people. There's a

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tendency of wanting to make other people
happy. There's a tendency of having those

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tendencies. So when we have those
tendencies, we have a tendency of falling

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more into this trap than other people. Right, So, if you are

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more committed about yourself, if you
are more centered in self, if you

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are more narcissistic, this wouldn't even
be any content that you would even bother

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listening to or watching because it wouldn't
impact you because then it would be like,

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oh, who cares that they don't
like me? It doesn't really matter.

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I don't care. I'm bigger better
than that. Now, whether that's

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the truth or not, that's to
be decided. But we're talking about being

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authentic and real in here and being
honest. When something does hurt us,

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we're able to talk about that,
when something does impact us, we're able

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to discuss that because we're healthy and
we're working to be healthier and even more

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personally on it than we were yesterday. So we'll were talking about people pleasing

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versus just being a nice person,
how to really know the difference in that,

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because that's something that we need to
know, and also kind of looking

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back at those childhood triggers, you
know, those things that triggered us and

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probably still trigger us to this day
as adults, to really be able to

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understand why we do what we do. Because it's okay to want people to

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like us, and it's okay to
do things, you know, but it's

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also we want to make sure that
we are being liked by ourselves, that

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we're being authentic in ourselves and what's
authentic by us, and that is really

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really important. So stay tuned.
If you haven't already check out the website,

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go to Ashley Burgess dot com.
I'm taking on new clients right now.

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00:13:37.200 --> 00:13:39.600
You can go to the you can
go to Ashley Burgis dot com,

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00:13:39.639 --> 00:13:43.279
click on coaching session and you can
set up a coaching session from your home

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or on your phone, whichever you
prefer. Right then and there, so

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live, You're to your Life Perspectives
with your host me, Ashley Burgers will

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be back in. I'll be back
this time in two shakes. Turn it

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up and jump in the deep end
on Perspectives. Now here's Ashley. Welcome

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back live to Liberty Life Perspectives and
I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. Today

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I'm talking about being liked, our
desire to be liked and to understand,

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you know, is it people pleasing
or is it just being authentic and nice?

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And then how to understand if we're
being triggered, you know, from

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childhood, you know, when we
wanted to be liked by everybody and then

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trying to be liked and so being
able to really see the difference there and

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be able to analyze that, because
it's really important to our own sanity,

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to our own understanding, and to
our own selves to really dig deep into

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why we do things, why we
make certain choices, why we choose certain

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things, why certain things are very
important to us, and why certain things

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really impact us in a negative basis, and so that's really important. So

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I think a lot of times we
have to look at, you know,

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the concept of people pleasing and understanding
that because I I think there's a big

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difference between people pleasing and being authentically
nice. I think that I think that

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when we people please, it stems
from a belief that our value is based

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on the ability to be there for
others, you know, to help others,

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and that our value is basically just
there to be there for somebody else,

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not really for ourselves. And so
we have a tendency of obsessing or

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thinking about how do we help that
person, how can we help that And

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it's great to be able to help
people, but there's a difference between helping

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people because we just want to help
and that's just who we are. And

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that's something that you have to kind
of dig deep into, is that when

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we are helping, are we helping
because we want to assist just for the

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fact of assisting, or because our
value is based on helping. And that's

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a big difference. There's two different
things here and it's being able to analyze

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that. And I think it goes
back to understanding, Okay, am I

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helping because I really want to help? And this is something that's like a

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god given talent for me? Also, is this something that I really want

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to do? Also? Am I
helping the people that I really want to

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help? And these are great questions
to ask, because these are the questions

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that we have to ask. These
are the things that we need to think

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about. And then if we're helping
somebody that seems to be really challenging or

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somebody that doesn't seem to understand what
we're coming to the table with or why

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we're helping, I mean, is
there a reason to continue to help?

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And sometimes too, I find that
a lot of people will put their life

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as a responsibility on you, so
their life like you know, like I'm

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going to you know, you make
me happy or you make me mad,

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or you did this to me or
you did that to me. And that

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can be interesting, Okay, but
I think that a lot of times it

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goes back to what we think we're
responsible for. Are you responsible for that?

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And then if you think you're responsible, you're going to act accordingly.

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Now, the problem is when we
take responsibility for other people's life lives as

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our own, we're basically allowing them, you know, like a pass.

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We're giving them a pass. And
then on top of that, we're kind

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of like allowing them to do this
stuff which is not really healthy for them.

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It's more of an entitled way of
doing things. Is also a way

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of thwarting responsibility of their own life. And then we're basically aiding and a

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betting and that thwarting and responsibility,
which I find wrong because then they're never

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gonna really live their life for themselves. They're not gonna do what they need

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to do to better their life.
They're gonna look forward you for bettering their

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life. I mean, it would
be like paying someone's rent every single month,

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and you know, you, Okay, they didn't make the Here,

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here's some money. Next month comes
around, here's some money, and then

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eventually you're like, why can't they
ever pay rent? Well, why would

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they pay rent if you're always paying
for it? Just like, why would

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somebody take responsibility for their life and
their actions if you're always taking responsibility for

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their life and their actions. These
are big questions. And when we do

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that and we get involved like that. I mean, we think it might

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be helpful, but what we're doing
is we're really taking away from their life.

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We're taking away from what they need
to be doing in their life,

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We're taking away from their responsibilities.
And so really think about that now that

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can apply to anybody, friends,
spouse, a family member. I mean,

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really look at the intentions behind things, and also look at the impact

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that it has on you and the
impact it has on them, and really

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analyze that because that's really powerful stuff. Also looking are we fall are we

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trying to fall into some sort of
expectations that somebody else has or is this

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the expectations we've had, and understanding
that we have value separate from helping others,

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even though it's good and feels good, we also have our own innate

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value separate. So stating we have
a lot more to come up. Live

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your two life Perspectives with your host
me, Ashley Burgess, will be back

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in I'll be back this time.
You know it. I'll be back this

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time into Shakes. This is Jake
Busey and you're listening to Perspectives with Ashley

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Burgess. Welcome back live to Liberty
Life Perspectives and I'm your host Ashley Burgess

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on today's show, I'm talking about, you know, feeling as if we're

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responsible for others feelings, wanting to
be wanting to be loved and liked by

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other people, and then realizing why
is it that we want to be loved

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and liked by everybody? What's the
reason, what's the point? And sometimes

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there's really not an actual, specific, good reason for it. Sometimes it's

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just the fact that we want to
be liked by everybody, and that's how

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we gauge who we are, and
that's who we gauge our value from.

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A lot of times we feel like
we're the one that has to save everybody,

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help everybody, you know, make
everything work, solve all the issues,

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solve all the problems, and that's
okay, but that's really not necessarily

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our job. And sometimes we get
confused use as to what our job really

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is. And that's something that we
really need to take into consideration. Are

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we people pleasing or are we just
being authentically helpful and really understanding the difference

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there, because a lot of times
we lose our value in other people,

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and it's good to help other people
want, it's good to do the right

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thing. Two it's good to be
authentic. Three. All those things are

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great, But we want to do
it for the right reasons, not because

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we feel like we have to,
not because we feel like our value is

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tethered to that, but because we
actually enjoy that and feel like that's the

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right type of participation that we should
have, and being able to understand that.

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And I think a lot of times
we get bogged down people pleasing.

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A lot of times we get bogged
down by doing things that we think we

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have to do that we don't necessarily
have to do. We also get bogged

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down by doing things across the board, even with people that we might not

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necessarily want to do it. So
really understanding who is it that we really

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want to connect with, what's the
value of that connection as far as how

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do we or why do we authentically
really connect with this person? Is it

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because we really genuinely can with them, because we connect with them at their

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value level, because we connect at
their authenticity, because at their core,

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or is there something else entirely happening
here? Because I think this needs to

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be also thought out too, because
I think sometimes we begin to question ourselves.

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Sometimes we don't even question ourselves enough
we go on autopilot. We want

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everybody to like us, but we're
not really going down the right path because

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not necessarily is this really somebody that
we want in our tribe or in our

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camp. You know, maybe we
have very very different values, you know,

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maybe we see things very differently,
and being able to analyze that and

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also being able to find any sort
of old school triggers that we might have

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or some you know, some blind
spots that we have. Some people are

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very you know, kind of addicted
to that narcissistic energy or the energy that

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some people have where it's all about
them, and you can fall into a

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trap trying to be friends with these
people to get them to like you,

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because it's never gonna be good enough, right, no matter what you do,

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it's never gonna be good enough.
They're never gonna be happy with what

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you're doing, they're never gonna be
content with what you're bringing. They're always

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going to want more from you.
And in that situation, that can be

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really challenging and tiring as a person
to deal with. And so these are

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the things that we want to analyze. We want to ask, why is

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it that this person makes is that
important to me that I need to win

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over or I need to be friends
with. And then on top of that,

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okay, why is it? Why
is just your genuine, authentic self?

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Why is that not good enough?
Okay? Because I think also we

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have to ask ourselves those questions because
sometimes we just don't see. Oh we

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don't realize that that other person just
doesn't see our value. And I mean,

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I hate to say that way,
but really, honestly, if somebody

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really doesn't like you and you're being
authentic and you're being honest and you're being

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truthful and you're being tactful and you're
being genuine, you know the reason that

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that person can't see your value.
That's something that's you need to kind of

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peruse and think about, because if
someone can't see your value, do you

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want to necessarily be around that person? Is that the person that you necessarily

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want to be around. If somebody
cannot see your value, do you necessarily

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want to be around them? And
that's a great question. I mean that,

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to me is is a very accurate
question because if someone doesn't see your

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value, will they ever see your
value? Now? Do they see their

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own value? That's questionable. We
don't know. Maybe they do, Maybe

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they don't. But also it's like, if somebody doesn't see your value,

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when would they ever see your value? What could you possibly do for them

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to see your value? And these
are big questions because there might not be

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anything you could do. You could
do one hundred million things, and they're

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not gonna see your value until you're
like literally, you know, a shell

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of a person when you are literally
doing everything for that person and you're still

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falling and coming up shorts. And
I think that there's a lot of us

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out there that have been through relationships
like that, where you know, in

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the beginning, maybe it was a
different type of relationship, it seemed to

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be really good. You were getting
a lot of attention. The person was,

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you know, giving you attention,
there for you all the time.

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Some people call it love bombing,
what have you. And all of a

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sudden things switch and there you are
trying to give all this to this person,

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trying to take care of them,
trying to make them happy, but

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they don't seem to be able to
be made happy. They don't seem to

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be able to be happy, and
so you find yourself in this conundrum where

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things are not changing and things are
getting even more negative throughout a period of

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time and you fall into this trap
of giving and giving and giving, and

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you don't know how to stop.
And throughout that process of giving and giving

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and giving, you begin to lose
your identity. And that is challenging.

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And I know that many of you
have been in that relationship, those types

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of relationships more probably when it's a
romantic relationship, but sometimes even when it's

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a friendship. You know, where
you start to lose your identity because you

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keep giving to this person, trying
to get them to see your value.

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And I don't think we really realize
I don't think we put two and two

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together sometimes where we're like, oh, I'm wanting them to see my value.

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I think it's more like, oh, I just want them to like

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give me approval. And I think
that a lot of us were triggered from

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that as a child. You know, many of you wanted your mom's approval,

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your dad's approval, and maybe you
felt like you kept coming up short.

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Maybe it seemed like it was never
enough no matter what you did.

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The grades weren't enough, or the
sports weren't enough, or whatever it is

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that you were doing just wasn't enough. And so that can be really challenging,

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and I think that many times we
try to You know, that approval

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goes through our life and into our
adulthood and into our lives and into our

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midlves and we don't realize it,
but it's such an impact that we don't

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want to feel that again, that
we want to constantly win over people.

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We want to get that approval.
And I think that's a big thing to

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think about too, is approval.
Where does approval come from? Our approval

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needs to come from us. Our
approval needs to come from us. And

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how do we get our personal approval? How do we get personal approval?

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How does that work? How do
we approve ourselves? How do we move

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forward with approving ourselves and not falling
into confusion that other people's approval means anything

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besides just their opinion. And I
think that that's hard sometimes because when we

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wanted approval so bad, because we
felt like we needed that approval, especially

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growing up. You know, having
your parents' approval is a big thing.

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And I know that some of you
got it and some of you didn't.

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I know that some of you work
so hard and you still haven't gotten it.

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And then some of you might have
gotten it, you know, toward

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the when your parents are toward the
end of life and you finally got it.

405
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But again, it's like that approval
seeking is so important, and I

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think that when we're not getting it
all the time, we start looking for

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it from other places, and then
when other people don't give us the approval,

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it's a sad type of feeling.
We start feeling sad, depressed,

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00:27:06.559 --> 00:27:08.319
and we really try to work harder
and harder for it, when in reality,

410
00:27:08.400 --> 00:27:11.400
sometimes we just we have to just
look at ourselves and figure out,

411
00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:15.440
how do I gain more of my
own personal approval, How do I begin

412
00:27:15.480 --> 00:27:19.200
to feel better about my own life? How do I begin to do that?

413
00:27:19.319 --> 00:27:26.519
How do I begin to approve of
myself instead of letting someone else's opinion

414
00:27:26.559 --> 00:27:30.759
to find me. And I think
that there's you know, I'm sure you

415
00:27:30.799 --> 00:27:34.519
have people in your life that approve
of you. You know, I'm sure

416
00:27:34.559 --> 00:27:37.559
that you have people that you know
love you and care about you and give

417
00:27:37.599 --> 00:27:41.559
you praise. And I'm sure there's
some people out there that don't give you

418
00:27:41.599 --> 00:27:42.759
the time of day. I'm sure
there's some people you would like to be

419
00:27:42.799 --> 00:27:48.200
friends with that don't respond back,
don't follow through, don't do anything that

420
00:27:48.240 --> 00:27:51.200
you sit there and think about what
have I done wrong? What did I

421
00:27:51.279 --> 00:27:53.160
do wrong? What was wrong?
What was the problem, and you think

422
00:27:53.200 --> 00:27:56.920
about it, and you pontificate about
it, and until that person's going to

423
00:27:56.000 --> 00:28:00.319
have an actual conversation with you,
if they would ever do that, that

424
00:28:00.359 --> 00:28:04.119
would be the only time that you
could get any sort of clarity. Otherwise

425
00:28:04.160 --> 00:28:08.839
you're just guessing you have no idea, And then we're judging ourselves based on

426
00:28:08.880 --> 00:28:14.119
that approval or lack there of approval. And again, the approval is interesting

427
00:28:14.160 --> 00:28:17.559
because I've realized what approval really matters. And when I was growing up,

428
00:28:17.680 --> 00:28:19.799
I wanted the approval of my parents
so bad, and as I got older

429
00:28:19.799 --> 00:28:23.319
and older, it was interesting when
I started working on my own approval and

430
00:28:23.359 --> 00:28:27.279
how to approve myself. That's when
the approval of other people didn't really matter

431
00:28:27.319 --> 00:28:30.599
as much. And the funny thing
about it is, I realized is that

432
00:28:30.599 --> 00:28:33.599
once I got it for myself,
I didn't need it from anyone else,

433
00:28:33.640 --> 00:28:34.759
And so all of a sudden,
is like everybody wanted to give it to

434
00:28:34.759 --> 00:28:38.759
you. You know, I always
find that the very interesting factor. Everybody

435
00:28:38.799 --> 00:28:41.240
wants to give you something once you
already have it. Once you already have

436
00:28:41.319 --> 00:28:44.400
it. You already have a key
to the castle. Everybody wants to give

437
00:28:44.400 --> 00:28:47.480
you their copy of their key.
It's like before you weren't lett me in.

438
00:28:47.559 --> 00:28:49.039
Before you didn't give me the key. Before you were telling me,

439
00:28:49.079 --> 00:28:52.039
oh, sorry, don't have it, no one here, no spare key

440
00:28:52.079 --> 00:28:55.160
here. But all of a sudden, eventually, oh my god, I

441
00:28:55.200 --> 00:28:56.319
got my own key. Now you
want me to give you your You know

442
00:28:56.359 --> 00:29:00.200
what the heck is this about?
But I mean that's reality. You know.

443
00:29:00.200 --> 00:29:03.680
It's almost like, you know,
when you feel self love and unconditional

444
00:29:03.720 --> 00:29:06.559
self love, other people give it
to you because you're not out there yearning

445
00:29:06.680 --> 00:29:10.039
for you know, desiring it,
asking for it, because you already have

446
00:29:10.119 --> 00:29:11.440
it. It's almost like you already
got it, the key to the castle.

447
00:29:11.720 --> 00:29:14.640
You know, it's a done deal. So you know, it's not

448
00:29:14.720 --> 00:29:18.160
like this is like the VIP area. All of a sudden, You're able

449
00:29:18.200 --> 00:29:19.480
to do whatever you want to do, interact and do whatever you want to

450
00:29:19.480 --> 00:29:23.359
do because you already have it.
And so that's where this is getting interesting,

451
00:29:23.480 --> 00:29:30.599
is when you really think about that
acceptance piece, having that personal acceptance

452
00:29:30.640 --> 00:29:32.880
for yourself, and how do we
get that, how do we really move

453
00:29:32.880 --> 00:29:34.079
forward with that, and you know, I think it's you know, it's

454
00:29:34.119 --> 00:29:38.559
all about you know, seeing ourselves
clearly, understanding the value we bring,

455
00:29:38.759 --> 00:29:41.720
looking at the gifts that we have, you know, the God's gifts that

456
00:29:41.759 --> 00:29:44.839
we have, that we have that
we're good at, the things that we

457
00:29:44.880 --> 00:29:47.720
can do, the things that we
bring to the table, the things that

458
00:29:47.759 --> 00:29:51.200
other people might not necessarily have,
those same gifts. Being able to identify

459
00:29:51.240 --> 00:29:55.240
those, see those for what they
are, Understand those those are very important

460
00:29:55.240 --> 00:29:59.079
aspects of our life. And being
able to see those aspects clearly is very

461
00:29:59.119 --> 00:30:03.359
important. Also looking at the love
that we can generate for ourselves and seeing

462
00:30:03.359 --> 00:30:06.440
the value of why we're here.
Okay, we're here on this on this

463
00:30:06.839 --> 00:30:08.720
on this planet, to have a
life that we're supposed to live, that

464
00:30:08.720 --> 00:30:12.920
we're supposed to learn a bunch of
lessons and stuff and learn and grow and

465
00:30:14.079 --> 00:30:17.799
progress and be the best we can
possibly be. And all these great things

466
00:30:17.839 --> 00:30:21.119
happening, and this is positive.
But there's a reason why we're here,

467
00:30:21.119 --> 00:30:25.880
and understanding and seeing that you don't
not know the actual reason. You might

468
00:30:25.880 --> 00:30:29.440
not have the actual purpose drawn out
as a mission statement on your wall at

469
00:30:29.440 --> 00:30:33.400
your office, right, but you
know that there's a value to your life,

470
00:30:33.759 --> 00:30:37.400
and you know, we have value
even when we're not doing something.

471
00:30:37.440 --> 00:30:40.240
That's the key too, that's so
hard for a lot of us to understand,

472
00:30:40.359 --> 00:30:44.240
is that even if we're not doing
something, we have value. And

473
00:30:44.279 --> 00:30:47.000
that's something that's really cool. Even
if we're not doing something, we have

474
00:30:47.119 --> 00:30:52.279
value, and that's for us to
really kind of analyze and understand. And

475
00:30:52.319 --> 00:30:56.680
that's a powerful place to be too, because then we can understand that we

476
00:30:56.759 --> 00:30:59.880
do have value in and of itself, We do have value in and of

477
00:30:59.839 --> 00:31:06.240
itself, and the idea of us
being alive and living and breathing, that's

478
00:31:06.359 --> 00:31:11.240
value. And then understanding you know, I think many of you give acceptance

479
00:31:11.279 --> 00:31:14.920
to others. You accept others for
who they are and that sort of thing,

480
00:31:14.960 --> 00:31:18.319
and you accept them and you know, looking for that same type of

481
00:31:18.359 --> 00:31:22.440
acceptance when it comes to you and
other people. That's a very valuable place

482
00:31:22.480 --> 00:31:29.319
to be and being able to see
that acceptance and understanding that acceptance, and

483
00:31:29.359 --> 00:31:32.119
that's something that we really want to
get to as well. So it's like

484
00:31:32.400 --> 00:31:34.839
being able to understand that, being
able to see that and have that healthy

485
00:31:34.839 --> 00:31:40.920
approach, and then also looking at
those times where we're trying to make things

486
00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:44.599
right for other people when it's not
ours to make right. I think that

487
00:31:44.720 --> 00:31:48.680
sometimes we see it as trying to
help. I think sometimes we're meddling.

488
00:31:48.720 --> 00:31:52.319
We have to be very careful on
the limitation of helping versus meddling. What's

489
00:31:52.359 --> 00:31:55.559
the difference, you know, how
do we know that we're doing this stuff

490
00:31:55.559 --> 00:31:59.680
altruistically? How do we know that
we're doing this stuff because we're people pleasing

491
00:31:59.759 --> 00:32:04.839
or me being codependent? Again,
I want you to think about nobody can

492
00:32:04.880 --> 00:32:07.720
make you happy, I mean,
you know, I mean, they can't

493
00:32:07.799 --> 00:32:10.079
just oh oh they made me so
happy, they made me so happy.

494
00:32:10.119 --> 00:32:14.720
Well, you know, okay,
but if you're letting somebody make you happy,

495
00:32:14.799 --> 00:32:16.599
you can also make somebody make you, know, allow you You can

496
00:32:16.640 --> 00:32:20.359
allow them to make you upset and
sad too, I mean, because then

497
00:32:20.559 --> 00:32:23.079
if you're giving them that power,
you're giving them ultimate power over other things

498
00:32:23.119 --> 00:32:27.240
as well. And so therefore,
these are things that we have to look

499
00:32:27.240 --> 00:32:30.359
at because when we're giving this type
of power away, we're giving this type

500
00:32:30.359 --> 00:32:32.880
of power away, and that's something
that we need to analyze. That's something

501
00:32:32.920 --> 00:32:36.880
that we need to analyze and think
about. You know. But it's like

502
00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:40.079
Okay, how much approval do we
need? And then also are we able

503
00:32:40.079 --> 00:32:45.319
to garnish approval from ourselves? That's
a big piece. Are we able to

504
00:32:45.359 --> 00:32:51.160
garnish approval from ourselves? Okay?
First thought, if you say no,

505
00:32:51.359 --> 00:32:53.279
why why why are you not able
to get approval? Why do you feel

506
00:32:53.319 --> 00:32:59.440
like you're not good enough? Why
are you not valuable enough? These are

507
00:32:59.480 --> 00:33:02.920
big questions. Why are you not
valuable enough? Why aren't you good enough?

508
00:33:02.920 --> 00:33:07.079
These are questions because why aren't you
just as good as other people?

509
00:33:07.119 --> 00:33:10.359
Why? Where is the value?
You know? Why can't we be Why

510
00:33:10.359 --> 00:33:15.680
can't we see the value that we
have within ourselves? And I want you

511
00:33:15.759 --> 00:33:17.440
to start analyzing that, looking at
the god given talents that you have,

512
00:33:17.519 --> 00:33:21.359
look at the things that you bring
to the table, look at you as

513
00:33:21.359 --> 00:33:24.200
an individual, and start analyzing that, because that acceptance piece can get us

514
00:33:24.240 --> 00:33:30.119
out of this people pleasing piece.
Because if I accept myself, then I

515
00:33:30.240 --> 00:33:34.160
begin to analyze and see my value. And then if somebody doesn't see my

516
00:33:34.279 --> 00:33:37.720
value, then I'm not going to
really have a lot of time for that.

517
00:33:37.799 --> 00:33:38.960
I'm going to sit there and I'll
see it for the moment. I

518
00:33:39.039 --> 00:33:43.359
might not be ecstatic about it,
but over time, I'm going to let

519
00:33:43.400 --> 00:33:45.519
it go. It's not going to
be something that's going to plague me for

520
00:33:45.599 --> 00:33:49.119
a period of time. And that's
what I want you to really think about,

521
00:33:49.200 --> 00:33:51.680
is not being plagued about it,
you know, letting that go,

522
00:33:51.880 --> 00:33:54.799
being able to let that go,
you know, that approval because because in

523
00:33:54.839 --> 00:33:58.799
the end, it's like when you
start realizing your value. Just because somebody

524
00:33:58.839 --> 00:34:00.960
doesn't like you, it's not a
big deal. It's almost like it begins

525
00:34:01.000 --> 00:34:06.279
to become actually something good because if
they're treating you like that or they don't

526
00:34:06.359 --> 00:34:08.159
like you, then move on.
You don't have time for that. It's

527
00:34:08.199 --> 00:34:13.280
almost like just being able to like
really just filter out people. And sometimes

528
00:34:13.320 --> 00:34:16.400
people can filter themselves out and that
can be helpful because life, you don't

529
00:34:16.440 --> 00:34:20.840
have unlimited amount of time all the
time to hang out with every single person

530
00:34:20.880 --> 00:34:22.119
on the planet. So you got
to make sure that you pick the right

531
00:34:22.159 --> 00:34:25.559
people that you really want to spend
time with that really understand you and understand

532
00:34:25.599 --> 00:34:30.239
your value. And that's ultimate and
ultimate consideration to think about. Stay tuned

533
00:34:30.280 --> 00:34:32.760
and I return to be talking more
about this, you know, just giving

534
00:34:32.840 --> 00:34:37.079
some more tips and tricks on how
to really analyze this and how to make

535
00:34:37.119 --> 00:34:39.559
this work to our abandons, but
also just how to live true. You

536
00:34:39.559 --> 00:34:43.800
know, ultimately it's about living true. Ultimately, it's about doing what's right

537
00:34:43.840 --> 00:34:47.519
for us. Ultimately that's what's most
important. So stay tuned Live your True

538
00:34:47.559 --> 00:34:52.519
Life Perspectives with me, your host, Ashley Burgers, will be back in

539
00:34:52.280 --> 00:34:57.360
I'll be back this time. I'll
be back this time in two shakes.

540
00:35:08.800 --> 00:35:16.199
Get in here. You're listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Welcome back Live

541
00:35:16.280 --> 00:35:21.039
to Live her True Life Perspectives and
I'm your host Ashley Burgess. On today's

542
00:35:21.039 --> 00:35:24.400
show, we're talking about acceptance,
people pleasing, being authentic, doing that,

543
00:35:24.559 --> 00:35:28.199
trying to get people to like us
and all those types of things and

544
00:35:28.239 --> 00:35:31.480
realizing what's the reason why do I
genuinely want those person to like me?

545
00:35:31.840 --> 00:35:35.239
Or is it because I just I
want people to like me just because it

546
00:35:35.239 --> 00:35:37.320
makes me feel better, or because
if I do these things for people,

547
00:35:37.639 --> 00:35:43.280
I'll get their acceptance or my life
has value and being able to separate the

548
00:35:43.320 --> 00:35:46.800
life has value. Being able to
separate the acceptance piece. You know,

549
00:35:46.880 --> 00:35:50.960
that's important because once we accept ourselves, all of a sudden things get a

550
00:35:51.000 --> 00:35:55.639
little easier because before I really had
self acceptance. I wanted everybody else's acceptance.

551
00:35:57.239 --> 00:35:59.599
You know, when I look back
at the family dynamic, I wanted

552
00:35:59.599 --> 00:36:01.639
my mom acceptance, my dad's acceptance. And I think many of us,

553
00:36:01.880 --> 00:36:05.480
you know, still have a parent
that we don't feel like that we've actually

554
00:36:05.519 --> 00:36:07.880
gotten that acceptance from, and so
we're still holding out. We're still wanting

555
00:36:07.920 --> 00:36:10.679
it, and we're still looking at
it and still trying to find it in

556
00:36:10.719 --> 00:36:15.440
other ways. And I think that
this is very interesting, and I think

557
00:36:15.480 --> 00:36:19.000
that that you know, kind of
you know, catapults into other relationships,

558
00:36:19.000 --> 00:36:21.760
and it makes us question things,
and it makes us analyze things, and

559
00:36:21.800 --> 00:36:25.679
that acceptance is something that's so important
for us to have, and that goes

560
00:36:25.719 --> 00:36:29.039
back to a lot of things.
You know, when we start thinking about

561
00:36:29.079 --> 00:36:30.960
life in general, we start thinking
about the way that we live our life

562
00:36:31.000 --> 00:36:34.639
and how we do things. And
so I just want us to see,

563
00:36:34.679 --> 00:36:37.719
you know, if we are trying
to become friends with somebody that's not seeing

564
00:36:37.719 --> 00:36:39.239
our value, we really have to
look at that. Are they seeing our

565
00:36:39.320 --> 00:36:43.079
value? If they're not seeing our
value, why do we want to continue

566
00:36:43.119 --> 00:36:45.559
to walk down that path? Why
do we want to continue to try to

567
00:36:45.559 --> 00:36:50.679
get their acceptance and their attention,
Because to me, if somebody doesn't see

568
00:36:50.679 --> 00:36:53.440
your value and you're doing you you're
being authentic, you're being conscientious, you're

569
00:36:53.440 --> 00:36:58.280
being socially where, you're being personally
aware, you're being you know, all

570
00:36:58.360 --> 00:37:01.639
those things are You're you're showing,
you're magnifying, you're doing that's who you

571
00:37:01.679 --> 00:37:05.440
are. Then why wouldn't that person
see your value? And if they don't,

572
00:37:05.440 --> 00:37:07.800
they either don't see their value or
they don't see yours. And so

573
00:37:07.880 --> 00:37:10.360
what's the point of continuing to walk
down that path? Now? People that

574
00:37:10.440 --> 00:37:14.280
do see your value, it's great. And if you see their value,

575
00:37:14.320 --> 00:37:17.039
that's great, that's that's awesome.
That's a great relationship, that's a great

576
00:37:17.039 --> 00:37:21.599
friendship, that's a great you know, interaction there and being able to have

577
00:37:21.719 --> 00:37:24.960
more of those interactions, more those
types of relationships is what really catapults our

578
00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:28.920
life into a better position. It
really takes us to the next level.

579
00:37:29.239 --> 00:37:32.760
It really takes us into having a
well rounded relationships with multiple people and having

580
00:37:32.840 --> 00:37:37.119
that friendship and having that connection.
And so that's where I want us to

581
00:37:37.119 --> 00:37:39.360
be at. But really looking at
those old triggers, looking at that acceptance,

582
00:37:39.400 --> 00:37:43.320
are there some is there an acceptance
piece that you're still holding out for,

583
00:37:43.679 --> 00:37:45.639
and are you kind of looking at
that when you meet people? And

584
00:37:45.639 --> 00:37:49.320
that's something good too to think about, like if you still feel like you

585
00:37:49.360 --> 00:37:52.800
haven't gotten a parental you know,
acceptance, being analyzing that, but first

586
00:37:52.840 --> 00:37:58.039
off analyzing have I found acceptance for
myself and really going back through some of

587
00:37:58.079 --> 00:38:00.360
the stuff that I just talked about
earlier to be able to find that acceptance

588
00:38:00.400 --> 00:38:05.760
and be able to see your value. Because once you ultimately begin to see

589
00:38:05.760 --> 00:38:09.400
that sparkle of value, you begin
to realize, hey, okay, I

590
00:38:09.440 --> 00:38:14.119
am valuable, you know. And
then not in a narcissistic way, but

591
00:38:14.159 --> 00:38:17.320
in a value way, but just
in an awareness way, just in a

592
00:38:17.480 --> 00:38:22.920
reality freedom type way, and that
can go so far to not only helping

593
00:38:22.960 --> 00:38:27.280
self esteem and self worth, but
it also gets you to realize where you're

594
00:38:27.320 --> 00:38:31.239
looking for acceptance from other people and
why and seeing yourself walking down that pathway

595
00:38:31.239 --> 00:38:34.800
and analyzing is this really somebody that
I want to spend time with? Do

596
00:38:34.840 --> 00:38:37.280
they have the same values as I
do? And that sort of thing is

597
00:38:37.599 --> 00:38:40.639
or is this just a loop that
I'm in just trying to get this acceptance

598
00:38:40.719 --> 00:38:45.719
or this friendship to make myself feel
better. Okay, And so these are

599
00:38:45.719 --> 00:38:47.519
the questions we have to ask.
I hope that you like the show.

600
00:38:47.559 --> 00:38:52.159
Please share it with family and friends. You can share the Spriaker link or

601
00:38:52.840 --> 00:38:57.880
the iHeart link or the Apple podcast
link with their friends and family. Also,

602
00:38:58.079 --> 00:39:00.480
don't forget we have YouTube. We
put up new video content up every

603
00:39:00.559 --> 00:39:05.239
single well not every day, but
mostly every day on YouTube. So you

604
00:39:05.280 --> 00:39:08.639
go to Ashley Burgess on YouTube or
life Coach Ashley Burgess b eer Ges,

605
00:39:09.440 --> 00:39:13.320
and then also check out the website
if you want to learn more information as

606
00:39:13.320 --> 00:39:15.280
well as if you want to set
up a coaching session with me and start

607
00:39:15.320 --> 00:39:20.800
working with me, you can just
go to Ashleyburgess dot com Ashley Berges dot

608
00:39:20.840 --> 00:39:23.880
com, click on coaching sessions and
you can set up a session either thirty,

609
00:39:23.920 --> 00:39:28.440
sixty or ninety minutes to start with, and we can begin to work

610
00:39:28.440 --> 00:39:31.719
together. In the meantime, you
know, looking at personal acceptance, looking

611
00:39:31.800 --> 00:39:37.719
at yourself, seeing your value,
analyzing that, being able to appreciate that

612
00:39:37.800 --> 00:39:43.360
these are valuable pieces of life,
and then being able to look at all

613
00:39:43.400 --> 00:39:46.519
the interactions from other people and start
understanding what you need to do to not

614
00:39:46.559 --> 00:39:51.440
only better your life, but the
things that you can change that no longer

615
00:39:51.559 --> 00:39:54.480
serve you, and then being able
to really focus on the friendships and relationships

616
00:39:54.920 --> 00:39:59.719
that you both see each other's value
and that you actually bring value to their

617
00:39:59.760 --> 00:40:04.079
life and they bring value to your
life. And so these are the valuable

618
00:40:04.119 --> 00:40:07.119
pieces that we can have the takeaways
from and the things that can actually bring

619
00:40:07.199 --> 00:40:09.360
us joy. And in the meantime, really think about that. We want

620
00:40:09.400 --> 00:40:13.199
to look through our actions. We
want to understand why we do things.

621
00:40:13.239 --> 00:40:15.800
We want to also end any sort
of cycle or patterns that no longer serve

622
00:40:15.920 --> 00:40:21.039
us and that no longer benefit us. And sometimes some of them have never

623
00:40:21.039 --> 00:40:22.800
benefited us. So some of those
we just need to let go, and

624
00:40:22.880 --> 00:40:27.400
other things we need to really tackle
and understand. So in the meantime,

625
00:40:27.440 --> 00:40:31.599
think about that, analyze those relationships, find your personal acceptance, begin to

626
00:40:31.639 --> 00:40:36.760
find that as we find our personal
acceptance, we begin to really see things

627
00:40:36.920 --> 00:40:40.719
much more clearly than before. Stay
tuned, live your true life perspectives with

628
00:40:40.920 --> 00:40:45.119
me. Your host, Ashley Bergers, will be back in well you know,

629
00:40:45.760 --> 00:40:47.159
yeah, I'll be back this time
in three shakes.