Signs and Symptoms of the Roommate Situation [Ep.760]

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You're in a good place now.
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back live to Literatury Life Perspectives, and I'm your host, Ashley

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Burgess. I think many of us
have heard the terminology work wife or work

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husband, and it seems almost like
that's become a new norm. It seems

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that a lot of our friends or
co workers have one of those. Maybe

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even some of us have a work
wife or work husband. You know,

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we hear the terminology emotional affair a
lot, where somebody's confiding in someone outside

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of their marriage for emotional support.
We also hear probably some of your friends

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and co workers and even maybe yourself, where you feel like you're going out

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with your friends a lot, or
your spouse is going out with their friends

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all the time, and it doesn't
seem like they're making time for the family

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dynamic. And it's interesting because many
of you might actually be feeling alone and

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you've been married for fifteen years,
and it's interesting. All these things are

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symptoms of what I like to call
the roommate situation. And there's many people

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right now, all around the world, all around this planet, who we're

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dealing with that exact situation. It
doesn't matter where you live, or your

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background or what language you speak.
The concept of the roommate situation is very

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real. Many people fall into this
trap in their marriage after several years of

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marriage, where all of a sudden
it feels like the fun is gone.

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There is no more fun, there
is no more excitement, there's no more

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connection, and it seems almost like
it's two ships passing in the night.

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You know, you your spouse,
your spouse gets home or you get home

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and maybe you eat dinner, watching
TV, and you go to bed and

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you call it a night, and
you do it the next day. You

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get up, you go to work, you leave, you do that,

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you go to work, you come
home, You do the same thing over

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and over and over again. You
know, maybe your spouse goes out with

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there for and you go out with
your friends, and that's become the new

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norm. And you know, going
out with friends is not a bad thing.

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Having people that you can fide in
is not a bad thing. Having

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somebody that you can talk to you
about your emotions is not a bad thing.

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But it's just like, when did
the marriage take a turn to where

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that person has not been somebody that
you can confide in, or there's not

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that same connection there anymore. And
I know that many people are suffering from

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the roommate situation now and it can
seem very overwhelming. And it's not just

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about you know, some people think
it's about the sex. Well, we

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haven't had sex, we don't have
intimacy. That's not the only thing that

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makes a roommate situation at all.
That's definitely a piece of it. That's

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definitely a piece of it, but
it's not the only thing. And I

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think some people are, you know, wondering what's going on. You know,

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there was a time when we could
really talk to each other. There

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was a time we had a lot
of fun. There was a time when

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we'd sit up and talk all night, and then that has gone. That's

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gone by the wayside. And I
know that age plays a part in it

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as far as not wanting to stay
up all night and be up till two

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am and all that good stuff.
But you know, it's it's all relative,

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right, It's all relative, And
I think it's something to explore on

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Live your true life perspectives. There's
many videos that I've actually done and if

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you haven't got the chance yet,
maybe make some time here now or in

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the near future to go on YouTube
and you know, just go on and

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search up YouTube and put in my
name Ashley Burgess, Ashley Berges, Ashley

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Burgess, or you can put Life
Coach Ashley Burgess in the search on YouTube

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and you'll find my channel. And
on that channel we put up new content

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at least five times a week,
short videos, long videos. But I

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have a lot of videos on the
roommate situation, marriage, what's a marriage

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supposed to be? You know,
how our parents marriage impacted us, what

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is you know, the roommate situation, how to understand the roommate situation,

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how to change the roommate situation,
and all of these things take time,

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but yet it's really good to have
that information and be able to see that

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information and watch that information, and
you can watch it multiple ultiple times to

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really, you know, understand that
and take that fully end And so definitely

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something that many people are dealing with, something that many people are going through

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in their day to day life,
and solutions that haven't been found. And

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I think one of the biggest things
about marriage that's so hard is that you've

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been with somebody for so long and
it's been such a long time commitment that

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it's hard to you know, and
that's what actually keeps marriages together, I

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think more often than not, is
that time commitment. It's hard to leave

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behind the time commitment. You know. It's like it's like anything in life.

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It's like it's like you know,
being you know, two classes away

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from graduating. You know, it's
like you gotta get it done. You

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know, it's like you feel like
I've put in all this work and effort

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and i gotta do it. You
know. However, it's like, you

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know, at what point in time
do we begin to make changes? At

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what point in time do we do
what we need to do, because it

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might not in that situation, might
not be the right degree for you.

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You might need to take a change, you know, augment your direction.

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And I'm not saying that every marriage
will be solved, you know, through

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working through this, but I think
that given a chance, you can learn

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more about your marriage, learn more
about what's happening, but better yet,

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have more of a be able to
have more of that conversation of what's really

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happening, and be able to express
yourself in a way where you can talk

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about different key points, or at
least, you know, get your spouse

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to agree to come to somebody like
me, like a coach or a therapist,

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to be able to get some help
in having that conversation and opening the

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line of communication so both of you
can freely talk without the other person shutting

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the other person down or you know, interrupting or you know, leaving.

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And so sometimes that's necessary to have
that medium in the room to basically be

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there to help you and guide you
into some of these thoughts and allow everybody

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to have a safe place to speak. But you know, it's interesting when

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we look at the roomate situation for
what it is and we begin to understand

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it. You know, like when
I was talking about the concept of the

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work wife, work husband. That's
something that you find a lot nowadays,

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is that people you know, because
there's an emotional distance, because there's an

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emotional distance to some degree, and
that emotional distance is very real. You

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know, it's interesting because eventually you
have to talk to somebody. Eventually there

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has to be some communication. Eventually
there has to be some you know,

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communication between people and some communication emotionally
with people. And when you're not getting

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that in a relationship, you're going
to be looking for that in other relationships.

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It's just it's just the way things
go. It's just the way things

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are. And so we definitely need
to, you know, understand that people

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are going to go outside if they
don't have that consistency or they don't have

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that ability to confide or speak with
their spouse. And I think that many

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of you probably feel that way where
you don't have that emotional connection anymore.

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And maybe somebody you feel like you
never had that emotional connection, like you

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never had the ability to really talk
about the things that matter. Perhaps you

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know your significant other was more emotionally
shut down or could not emotionally you know,

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process things, And that could be
interesting too, because if somebody is

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unable to emotionally process their own emotions, they are not going to be able

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to process your emotions and that's going
to be challenging for them. And so

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you will be looking for someone to
communicate with or to talk about your emotions

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in a certain way. And I
think that's very important and it's very important

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for us to analyze that. And
so a lot of times people walk out,

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you know, or step out,
or even not really step out,

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they just emotionally kind of maneuver around
and over time find someone that they can

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communicate with. And usually they find
someone who is also unable to really communicate

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in their household and in their marriage, and so that forms a bond.

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And so we hear about work wife
and work husband a lot, and you

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know a lot of times people joke
around about that, but I think it's

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very real. You know, I
think it's very real because both of those

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people are depending on that other person
for emotional support and they're not getting it

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anywhere else, and so they're going
to need to lean on that person for

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emotional support, lean on that person
to be there for them. And that

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is a very important aspect of life. And I think that's where we have

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a lot of these emotional affairs where
you know, people are talking to someone

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else, they are, you know, opening their heart and burying their soul

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to someone else. And I think
that's, you know, something that most

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humans have to do. I think
most humans have to have that interaction.

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And if they're not getting that,
they're going to seek that somewhere else.

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Just like if they were very spiritual
beings, then they weren't able to speak

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about spirituality and their marriage. They're
going to need to find some out,

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some ability to communicate that to someone
else. And that's very important understand,

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and that's something that we have to
really get our brain around and see.

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Okay, but you know the other
side of the coin is one person is

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not going to be everything. One
person is not going to be everything to

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you. So that is something that
we really need to know. And also,

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one person or any person for that
matter, is not there to make

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you happy. You know, we
have to make ourselves happy. We have

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to also be there for ourselves in
various different ways. And also sometimes one

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person is not going to be able
to be there for us in all different

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ways. And so I really want
to make sure that we're looking at things

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honestly. I want to really make
sure that we're also you know, seeing

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the value of what we have and
being able to see what's missing honestly in

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the marriage. Because until we really
know what's missing, we really can't fix

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it. And until we acknowledge those
missing pieces, we really can't do anything

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about it. So it's up to
us to really analyze the situation, to

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see it for what it is,
and to begin to proactively move forward with

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some sort of solution based situation.
So we've got to have some sort of

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solution at some point, okay,
And so I know that many of you

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are looking for solution, But before
we get into that, let's talk about

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the problem. Because the problem or
the issue, or the situation, let's

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just call it a situation, needs
to be looked at and understood prior.

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So when we look at a marriage
that's become more like the roommate situation,

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we have to understand that that's you
know, it's kind of a mindset change,

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and we have to understand that there's
many things that go along hand in

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hand when that happens. And one
of the things that I find in a

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roommate situation is that the conversations become
pretty boring and they become pretty dull.

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Okay, So the conversations are no
longer very interesting or thought provoking. Instead

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they're quite the opposite, and they
can be very dull, very boring,

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and very different from maybe what your
conversations used to be in the beginning of

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the relationship. And some of you
may say, hey, you know what,

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I look back, and honestly,
we really never had deep conversations.

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And if that's the case, that's
the case, and sometimes that's true for

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people. It's like, you know, maybe you got married, was at

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the moment in your life where you
got married and this person and y'all happen

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to be in the same place at
the same time and it worked out,

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and maybe there were some things missing
then, And so we have to take

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into considerations some of those things as
well, because a lot of times we

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might think that everything kind of fell
by the wayside recently, and that might

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not be the case. There might
be certain things that were lacking in your

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marriage from the very beginning. Now
some of you may say, you know

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what, that's that's not what happened
with us. You know, the beginning

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was great, you know, a
few years in everything was good, you

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know, and then all of a
sudden things started changing and waning, you

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know, and all of a sudden
it was almost like you couldn't identify the

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marriage. And I know that some
of you are probably there right now where

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you're staying. How do we get
here? You know? How do we

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get to this place? You know? How do we how do we get

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here? What got us here?
And And that's interesting too, to be

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able to kind of look back and
see throughout the years, the changes and

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augmentations. And I think many of
you you know, may have had children

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and have a family as well,
and so that also was a part of

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it, focusing on the kids,
focusing on the family. You know,

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careers and financial obligations and responsibilities also
you know, play a big part in

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the day to day role and what
happens in the family dynamic. All these

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things very important analyze and understand,
and all these things really go a long

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way for us to see how we
go out there and if we can turn

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back the hands of time to get
back to where we need to go.

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And it's not really about turning back
the hands of time, honestly, it's

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about reinventing, you know, oneself, reinventing one's marriage. But I think

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it's also about reinventing oneself because it
takes two people to reinvent themselves to really

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begin to come together, as you
know, as a couple. And I

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don't believe that two people become one. I think it's two people coming in

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together in a union where it's two
people in a union, not two people

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become one. Because I think if
we're becoming one, we're losing our identity,

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we don't have our individuality. There's
a lot of codependent components there that

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I don't find very healthy in any
relationship. And that's also another thing that

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could happen in a marriage is that
if you're losing your identity, you may

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be you know, you may be
questioning the marriage because you're questioning who you

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become because you're no longer who you
were. You're no longer you know the

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individual that you felt like you were, and so you feel like you're losing

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your edge, or you feel like
you're out of control, or you're confused

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as to where your life is heading. And that's some important information to take

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in because if you're if you feel
like you've lost your identity, you know

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in this marriage, we're going to
have to be able to find that,

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get that back, or develop it
really solidly at this point in your life

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right now. In the meantime,
don't change the channel. I got more

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to talk about when it comes to
the roommate situation, really identifying this and

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then offering some solutions as well,
because solutions are very important, but we

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want to pinpoint the situation, pinpoint
the situation or the problem and really understand

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what needs to be rectified, or
at least what needs to be brought up

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and talked about in a conversation to
begin the conversation about this situation. Stay

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tuned Live your True Life Perspectives with
me, your host, Ashley Burgess,

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will be back in I'll be back
this time in two shakes. Turn it

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up and jump in the deep end
on Perspectives. Now here's Ashley. Welcome

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back live to Literature Life Perspectives and
I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On

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today's show, I'm identifying the roommate
situation in a marriage, when a marriage

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has become the roommate situation, and
understanding a lot of the symptoms and signs.

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And you know, we talk about
work wife and work husband, and

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a lot of us do that in
a humorous way, but yet that is

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one of the symptoms of being in
a roommate situation where you're confiding in somebody

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else, you know, your feelings
and emotions and they are doing the same.

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And that can be very common place
nowadays because people feel like as if

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they can't communicate in their marriage,
or maybe they felt like they never could

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communicate in their marriage. And again, you know, I do stress the

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fact that one person cannot be your
everything, and you should never think that

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that's the case, and we actually
have to make ourselves happy. It's not

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about that other person. But at
the same time, you know, there

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are some symptoms and signs. And
before the break, I was talking about

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how, you know, conversations have
become pretty dull and boring. You know,

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the fun seems to be sucked out
of the room, you know what

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I mean, It's not fun like
it used to be. And you find

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some emotional distance between you and your
spouse, and I think many of you

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two have been married for so long, there's a fear of sharing your thoughts.

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There's a fear of sharing what you're
going through. There's a fear of

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sharing and how that person's going to
react, And that is a big fear,

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you know, how somebody's going to
react to some of your feelings,

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your thoughts. And maybe you've been
holding these theories and thoughts and feelings in

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for very long and you just don't
even know what to do at this point,

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and that can feel very overwhelming too. And I know that, you

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know, going to a coach or
therapist can be very helpful. I work

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with clients often on this situation alone, just being able to talk and prepare

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and open up and prepare to have
those conversations. The longer we stay in

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our head with stuff, the longer
you know, it becomes a problem,

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the bigger the problem, the bigger
the issue, you know, and that

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can really, you know, blow
up, it can really blow up.

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And so I think that that emotional
distance over time is really created because of

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that avoidance of conflict, and that
avoidance of conflict is big. Avoiding conflict

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in the marriage, not wanting to
have conflict, not wanting to deal with

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conflict, because most people don't like
conflict. And I think when people do

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like conflict, that's kind of a
problem in and of itself. But most

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people avoid conflict. They don't want
to have conflict. And so there might

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be some resentment that's harbored from things
that have happened in the past, but

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people don't want to talk about it. Maybe there's some things that you know,

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one person wants to talk about,
but they just you know, they're

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just avoiding because they know that the
other person is going to shut down or

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do the silent treatment, or walk
out or yell or freak out. And

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so there's that fear of the response
and the fear of not being heard,

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and on top of that, it's
also that fear of having that unneeded conflict

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that nobody really wants to deal with. I think that there's so much stress

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and anxiety and life already that we're
already dealing with all the stress. We're

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already dealing with all this conflict,
We're already dealing with all these issues and

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those issues you know, in life
outside of the marriage, everything else is

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like overwhelming enough that we don't want
to also deal with this as well.

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And so I feel like a lot
of the big issues get put on the

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back burner, and a lot of
the big issues are never talked about,

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but they get bigger and bigger and
bigger, you know, day after day,

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year after year, and eventually something's
got to give, right, Eventually,

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something has to give. And I
think that sometimes, you know,

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that's when you know somebody blows their
top, because you know, the fear

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of what's going to happen eventually goes
away, and then there's a fear of

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am I going to live in this
lifestyle forever? Am I never going to

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be able to speak my truth?
What happens eventually, I'm going to have

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to speak my truth, and so
that's always an interesting component. And so

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when I returned on me talking more
about the roommate situation, really understanding it,

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really deep diving into it, and
also providing some solutions of things that

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we can do to offset that,
to be able to discuss, to at

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least open the lines of communication,
to be able to start the conversations.

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Because that's what's so important, is
that eventually we have to say something.

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We can't just stay in silence.
And I think that that regret is a

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big peace in life. You know, if we don't say how we feel,

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what we don't understand how we feel, or we don't we're not able

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to articulate. We kind of sit
there in silence, and we kind of

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mesh and meld that around and marinating
that and eventually just stresses us out.

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So stay two. When I returned, were talking more about this don't change

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the channel Liquorty Life Perspectives with your
host met Asky Burgess will be back in

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and be back to this time.
You know it. In two shapes,

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This is Jake Busey and you're listening
to Perspectives with Ashley Burges. Welcome back

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live to Literature Life Perspectives, and
I'm your host Ashley Burgess. On today's

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show, we're talking about the roommate
situation and understanding if your marriage has become

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the roommate situation. And it's not
all about oh, we're not having sex,

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we're not having intimacy. That is
definitely a piece of the puzzle,

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but there are other things that go
hand in hand with the roommate situation.

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And before the break, I've been
talking about how the fund seems to have

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gone away, how the conversations have
become more dull and boring, about how

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there's emotional distance between you and your
spouse, and that fear of sharing,

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and that fear of how they will
react when you share. You know,

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I discussed the avoiding conflict concept about
you know, how we avoid the conflict,

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we don't talk about what's bothering us, how we can be harboring resentment,

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and how they can also create more
of a physical, mental, emotional

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divide. But yes, now I
want to jump into the sex component.

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Where did the sex go? And
I think that's also a piece of it

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too, Is that physical divide as
well, because eventually, you know,

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our thoughts, you know, will
divide us, because our thoughts and feelings,

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you know, are super real to
us. And at the same point,

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it's like that's going to eventually divide
us in different ways as well.

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And I know that some of you
out there say, well, you know

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what, I never had a really
solid, you know, sexual relationship in

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my marriage. And if that's the
case, you know, going into it,

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you kind of realized that that was
something that might not you know,

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be at the level you wanted it
too, but you offset it, you

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allowed it to be because there were
other pieces of the puzzle in the relationship

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that we're working for you. And
so you know, being able to be

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honest too, because we need to
have an honest assessment, you know,

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we need to have an honest assessment
about the relationship. We need to have

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an honest assessment about the beginning of
the relationship and understanding what was working in

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the beginning, what might not have
been working very well in the beginning,

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and better yet, you know,
kind of looking at that type of thing

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and saying, Okay, I realized
that this wasn't work well. I realized

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that wasn't working well. But these
pieces were working well. You know and

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are these pieces still working well?
And if they are great? If not,

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then what needs to be changed?
Or you know, have I changed

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as an individual as far as what
I want in my life, as far

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as what type of interaction and relationship
I want in my life? Is that

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part of my reality? Do I
need to accept that and see life a

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certain way? And I think that
these are very important things because again,

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remember, the marriage is the marriage, right, and that's important in and

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of itself, But the marriage is
not just the marriage. It's also two

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different people, and two different people
make up the marriage. It would be

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like two different people making up you
know, LLC a company, right,

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You have two people coming together to
form a company, right, and the

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company acts together and does things together
and moves together and works together. But

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the two different people that come,
they're not it's like they become person.

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It's two different people. And so
realizing that again you are an individual dealing

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with your own things, dealing with
your own stuff, you know, dealing

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with your own problems, dealing in
with your own responsibilities, and those things

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have to be recognized and realized.
And those are very important aspects here that

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we have that we need to also
recognize and realize as well when we look

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back at the sex, you know, and say, let's say that you

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did have a really good sex life
in the very beginning of the relationship.

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Okay, so what happened to it? You know? Is there a lot

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of water under the bridge? Is
there a lot of things that you feel

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a distance from that things have happened? Is there a way to open that

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line of communication. We'll talk about
that, you know. And sometimes it's

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interesting too. It's like, you
know, we find that people can,

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you know, not only get distant, but also get physically distant. You

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know, there's some people that can
have physical they can have sex, but

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they're not very emotionally connected, you
know, So you looking at various different

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sides of the coin. I'm not
saying not to you or to have,

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but I'm saying that, you know, we have to look at it from

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from various different areas. I also
believe that comparing our marriage to other people

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is not a good idea because if
you're comparing your marriage to another person's marriage,

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you really don't know what you're comparing
your marriage too. And I really

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want to stress that because I think
that a lot of people do that and

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they don't really know at all what
the other person's dealing with. They're only

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seeing what they see, what they
want to see, the version they see,

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the version they feel that they see. They're coloring it in a certain

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way. Either they're based on their
their feeling of lack and that can happen

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too. It's just like it's very
interesting, you know, when you go

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out to dinner with folks and and
you listen to them talk, and it's

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interesting to you know, try to
figure out what kind of marriage they have.

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But it's like that's just futile because
you really never know. I mean,

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most people put on, you know, a game face or most people.

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You know, it's just it's not
necessarily the way you see it.

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And also it can be smoked mirrors
based on how you want to interpret that

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marriage and maybe the things that you
feel are lacking and the things that you

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think that that maybe they have or
that that marriage in particular possesses different from

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your own marriage. And these are
things that really need to be discussed.

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You know, these are deep conversations
that most people never have. They just

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don't they don't want to discuss it, you know, they don't want to

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deal with it. They don't want
to feel it, they don't want to

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think about it, they don't want
to have any issue with it. They

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just want to go through life and
deal with it and you know, and

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keep getting that medal of honor for
oh wow, we were married for another

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year. Oh wow, we were
married for another year. And that's great.

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I mean, I understand marriage.
I've been married for a while.

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I understand that. But I think
eventually sometimes we get into that whole rat

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race of counting, counting the years
instead of really working to make the stuff

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in the in between that really work
out in the marriage. And that's something

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that we really need to analyze and
think about. You know, when I

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was talking earlier about you know,
confiding in others, you know, having

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that work husband, that work life, that's very important as well. It's

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another you know, symptom of the
roommate situation. Again, though I stress

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that, you know, your spouse
can't be your one and only person in

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your life. You have to be
outside friends and family and co workers and

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you know, best friends and all
that stuff. They can really help make

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our life a bit more meaningful and
interesting. So it's not just the only

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person. So I don't find problem
in that by itself. I mean,

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we were looking at a lot of
these together. It's not just one symptom,

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it's multiple symptoms that really create the
roommate situation. You know. Another

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symptom is that living that different life, you know, living different lives really,

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you know, having trouble kind of
meshing the lives together, you know,

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kind of almost going in two different
directions. And a lot of times

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that can go hand in hand with
not having joint plans for the future,

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or not seeing the future together or
not thinking about the future together. And

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that that can be a big piece
too. And I think that's because when

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somebody's looking for themselves or they're wonder
or they're questioning their future, those types

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of things. Also another point is
like you know, you feel like you

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have nothing to talk about, and
that can be hard too. And sometimes

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this can be because you know,
you've been together as long as you have.

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You know, sometimes many of you
that are empty nesters after the kids

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have left for college or school or
moved out on their own or got married

402
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or whatever happened with them. You
know, that can be an overwhelming process

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00:26:26.279 --> 00:26:30.079
too, is that you wake up
one day and it's just you and your

404
00:26:30.119 --> 00:26:32.640
spouse, and you're like, oh, what happened here? What's going on

405
00:26:32.680 --> 00:26:34.039
here? You know, how did
I get here? You know? What

406
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do I do next? You know? Where do I go from here?

407
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And these are really deep questions,
and these are questions that you really have

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to, you know, honestly,
you know, get introspective on and think

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00:26:47.000 --> 00:26:49.480
about that, because these things can
make you really question, you know,

410
00:26:49.519 --> 00:26:52.720
a thirty year marriage. You can
sit there and say, why did I

411
00:26:52.759 --> 00:26:55.599
get married? Why am I here? Now? What have I done?

412
00:26:56.160 --> 00:26:59.279
What got me here? You know? What am I dealing with? And

413
00:26:59.319 --> 00:27:03.279
what can I do to augment or
change the situation? And I feel like

414
00:27:03.319 --> 00:27:06.799
this is really important because I think
many people go through this. I think

415
00:27:06.880 --> 00:27:10.400
many of us are dealing with this
on a day to day basis. You

416
00:27:10.440 --> 00:27:12.480
know, I have so many clients
to talk about it, and you know,

417
00:27:12.519 --> 00:27:14.799
they said, you know, hey, I just don't even know what

418
00:27:14.880 --> 00:27:17.480
to do anymore. You know,
I have these thoughts in my head and

419
00:27:17.480 --> 00:27:18.759
I don't know what to say or
do. And I feel like if I

420
00:27:18.799 --> 00:27:22.400
bring it up, you know,
I'm going to cause pain and suffering.

421
00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:25.599
I don't want to upset anybody.
I don't want to rock the boat.

422
00:27:25.680 --> 00:27:29.160
I don't want to make anybody mad. And so therefore, you know,

423
00:27:29.200 --> 00:27:33.039
we have you know, these issues, you know that are playing a role,

424
00:27:33.519 --> 00:27:37.519
and that fear of discussing how we
feel. And I think that's really

425
00:27:37.559 --> 00:27:42.039
important to understand and to think about. How do we begin to not only

426
00:27:42.079 --> 00:27:48.200
you know, voice our opinion in
a positive way, but also be open

427
00:27:48.240 --> 00:27:52.720
to other people's opinion and be open
to the other person's way of thinking and

428
00:27:52.759 --> 00:27:57.839
be open to finding solution. And
so how do we begin to turn the

429
00:27:59.000 --> 00:28:03.599
roommate situation around? How do we
begin to do that? And I think

430
00:28:03.640 --> 00:28:07.359
that a lot of times, by
the time that we've acknowledged the fact that

431
00:28:07.400 --> 00:28:11.359
we are in a roommate situation,
it's probably been quite a while. It's

432
00:28:11.400 --> 00:28:15.720
probably been a long time. It's
probably not just been a couple of days.

433
00:28:15.440 --> 00:28:18.680
It's probably not just been you know, Okay, yeah, I just

434
00:28:18.720 --> 00:28:21.720
realized this. You know, things
changed yesterday. Now. I think it's

435
00:28:21.720 --> 00:28:26.920
probably been maybe several years, you
know, you know, average average client

436
00:28:26.000 --> 00:28:30.279
that comes to me that's dealing with
this, it's been several years that this

437
00:28:30.319 --> 00:28:36.000
has been going on, and they're
just now kind of not only acknowledging the

438
00:28:36.039 --> 00:28:40.000
fact, but it's gotten painful.
It's started to get painful for them.

439
00:28:40.039 --> 00:28:45.519
It's starting to get painful as far
as you know, feeling unfulfilled, that

440
00:28:45.680 --> 00:28:48.599
unfulfilled feeling where it's like, Okay, is this all there is? You

441
00:28:48.599 --> 00:28:52.400
know? Is this it? You
know? Do I just have to prepare

442
00:28:52.440 --> 00:28:56.000
for this? It? Is this
all there is? And that's a big

443
00:28:56.079 --> 00:29:00.960
that's a big question. Is this
all there is? You know? And

444
00:29:00.079 --> 00:29:03.200
that's what a lot of people wonder. And then they get to a point

445
00:29:03.200 --> 00:29:04.359
where they go, you know what, I don't think it is. Maybe

446
00:29:04.400 --> 00:29:07.079
there's more than this. What do
I do? How do I begin to

447
00:29:07.119 --> 00:29:10.640
look for that? But first off, you know, how do I do

448
00:29:10.680 --> 00:29:15.440
what's right in this situation and move
forward the right way? Because I think

449
00:29:15.440 --> 00:29:18.839
that's important too, is to be
able to analyze and say, Okay,

450
00:29:18.880 --> 00:29:21.359
hey, I've been in this marriage
for this long. What can I do

451
00:29:21.400 --> 00:29:26.240
to see if I can move things
forward in a positive way. If I

452
00:29:26.279 --> 00:29:27.880
can move things in a positive way, you know, move the pendulum in

453
00:29:27.920 --> 00:29:33.720
a positive way, and feel really
good at least about being honest and being

454
00:29:33.759 --> 00:29:38.000
truthful about my feelings. At least
being honest and being truthful of what I

455
00:29:38.039 --> 00:29:42.240
needed to talk about. And you
know, because I think that once you

456
00:29:42.359 --> 00:29:47.480
fall into these patterns, it's hard
to get out of it because it becomes

457
00:29:47.480 --> 00:29:51.720
a program. Right, It's a
program. It's a program, a constant

458
00:29:51.759 --> 00:29:55.440
program that we're you know, that
we're dealing with, and it becomes are

459
00:29:55.599 --> 00:29:59.160
what our new normal. You know, a lot of people were talking about

460
00:29:59.160 --> 00:30:03.119
how COVID was normal, but come
on, we're talking to how the marriage,

461
00:30:03.160 --> 00:30:04.960
you know, situation has become the
new normal. And it's we accept

462
00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:07.480
all this stuff and we kind of, you know, slowly thinks make get

463
00:30:07.480 --> 00:30:11.440
worse or worse or harder to deal
with, but it's not that bad,

464
00:30:11.480 --> 00:30:14.440
it's not that painful. But eventually
one day you kind of wake up and

465
00:30:14.480 --> 00:30:17.000
go, wait a second, how
did I get here? And I think

466
00:30:17.000 --> 00:30:21.440
the first thing that we can begin
to do is to begin to start our

467
00:30:21.480 --> 00:30:23.960
own journal and thinking about what is
important to me, What is important to

468
00:30:23.960 --> 00:30:30.440
me? What do I want out
of this life? You know, what

469
00:30:30.599 --> 00:30:33.680
is it that I want to do
in this lifetime? What is it that

470
00:30:33.720 --> 00:30:37.559
I want to experience in this lifetime? And you know, can I do

471
00:30:37.599 --> 00:30:40.599
that with this other person? Can
I do that with this other person?

472
00:30:40.720 --> 00:30:44.559
In the state of mind or what
they're doing right now. Can I do

473
00:30:44.640 --> 00:30:47.920
this in the state of mind that
I'm in right now? That's a big

474
00:30:48.039 --> 00:30:51.920
question. These are very very big
questions. Can I do that in the

475
00:30:51.960 --> 00:30:56.720
state of mind I'm in right now? And it's important to ask that question,

476
00:30:56.920 --> 00:30:59.680
you know. I think also too, it's like, you know,

477
00:30:59.720 --> 00:31:03.839
what is it that you want to
achieve? What is it that you want

478
00:31:03.839 --> 00:31:10.839
to achieve? Really really think about
this, really really digesting this, really

479
00:31:10.920 --> 00:31:12.960
really go deep into this, because
I think that the deeper you go into

480
00:31:12.960 --> 00:31:18.480
this, the more you can begin
to understand and reveal important things to yourself

481
00:31:18.799 --> 00:31:22.079
that you might not even know are
important to you, you might not even

482
00:31:22.160 --> 00:31:26.359
know are very special to you.
Because I believe that our goals and our

483
00:31:26.400 --> 00:31:30.240
pursuits are very important to understand.
And in any relationship, you know,

484
00:31:30.279 --> 00:31:34.079
whether it's a marriage or a friendship, or a family dynamic or even a

485
00:31:34.119 --> 00:31:37.839
business, we have to know the
direction that we want to go in.

486
00:31:37.920 --> 00:31:41.240
We have to understand that direction.
We have to understand what's important to us.

487
00:31:41.559 --> 00:31:45.000
You know, what ignites that you
know, passion flame that direction that

488
00:31:45.079 --> 00:31:48.720
we want to attain, Because I
think nobody wants to deal with regret in

489
00:31:48.759 --> 00:31:52.079
their life. Nobody wants to feel
regret or deal with regret, and so

490
00:31:52.160 --> 00:31:56.720
this is something that does need to
be discovered and thought about, and can

491
00:31:56.799 --> 00:32:00.920
this be tackled, you know,
in a positive way in this marriage and

492
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:06.279
being in this marriage. I think
another thing that's important is also obviously communication.

493
00:32:06.359 --> 00:32:09.559
Communication is key, and being able
to open the line of communication is

494
00:32:09.640 --> 00:32:14.119
very important. And being able to
open that line of communication, being able

495
00:32:14.160 --> 00:32:17.640
to open that and communicate in a
way that makes sense, and you know

496
00:32:17.680 --> 00:32:23.000
that communication is so valuable and we're
able to communicate instead of closing down,

497
00:32:23.160 --> 00:32:30.000
you know, instead of closing down, instead of disengaging, being able to

498
00:32:30.559 --> 00:32:32.799
you know, communicate in a positive
way, being able to talk in a

499
00:32:32.799 --> 00:32:37.640
positive way, at least being able
to either be positive or neutral in our

500
00:32:38.440 --> 00:32:43.160
talk. But also have that strategy
of Okay, I'm not going to be

501
00:32:43.240 --> 00:32:49.960
too defensive in my response, I'm
not going to be angry to what the

502
00:32:49.960 --> 00:32:52.519
other persons saying. I'm going to
at least be able to listen. And

503
00:32:52.519 --> 00:32:55.119
that can be really tough and challenging, and it can be hard for us

504
00:32:55.160 --> 00:33:00.279
to also articulate how we're feeling in
a situation as well, and fear that

505
00:33:00.279 --> 00:33:05.000
that other person and fear that that
other person is going to make judgment,

506
00:33:05.160 --> 00:33:10.279
or in fear that that other person
is going to be upset or angry or

507
00:33:10.400 --> 00:33:15.960
dismissive or avoidant, and all these
things are very important. All these things

508
00:33:15.440 --> 00:33:20.240
are interesting to understand because I think
this is how we go down that slippery

509
00:33:20.279 --> 00:33:22.960
slope. But this is how these
things happen, you know, this is

510
00:33:22.960 --> 00:33:28.680
how we fall into these pitfalls,
is we stop communicating, we stop having

511
00:33:28.680 --> 00:33:35.519
that conversation. And sometimes that conversation
you've tried to have that conversation in the

512
00:33:35.559 --> 00:33:38.240
past, but you were unable to
have it and you might shut down again,

513
00:33:38.599 --> 00:33:43.720
or you've tried it again and that
other person was not listening, and

514
00:33:43.720 --> 00:33:45.559
so there's various things. Or maybe
you try to have a conversation but you

515
00:33:45.559 --> 00:33:49.400
couldn't get out what out of your
mouth what you wanted to talk about,

516
00:33:49.680 --> 00:33:52.000
and so again, these are things
that we need to think about. And

517
00:33:52.039 --> 00:33:53.920
I think sometimes it's best, you
know, if we feel that way or

518
00:33:53.920 --> 00:33:59.119
we're having trouble being able to have
maybe a third party that can help to

519
00:33:59.160 --> 00:34:04.319
facilitate an environment where everybody's heard,
to facilitate an environment where everybody feels heard,

520
00:34:04.680 --> 00:34:09.079
where everybody can communicate and communicate their
truth in a way that makes sense,

521
00:34:09.239 --> 00:34:13.519
but in a safe way, but
also in a way where everybody can

522
00:34:13.559 --> 00:34:16.119
hear one another. And it's hard
though. You know, when you've been

523
00:34:16.119 --> 00:34:20.599
married to somebody for very long,
you know there's a lot of fear.

524
00:34:20.800 --> 00:34:23.480
There's a lot of fear of abandonment. There's also, you know, a

525
00:34:23.480 --> 00:34:25.760
lot of fear of how that person
is going to take what you have to

526
00:34:25.800 --> 00:34:29.960
say. And also the other way
around is listening to what that person is

527
00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:34.079
saying and in allowing that to be
too is challenging. I mean, it's

528
00:34:34.079 --> 00:34:37.079
a lot easier when you're dealing with
a friend or someone you haven't known that

529
00:34:37.159 --> 00:34:39.360
long, but somebody that you've known
very long and you've had a committed relationship

530
00:34:39.400 --> 00:34:43.639
too can be challenging. So stay
tune and I return. I'm giving you

531
00:34:43.679 --> 00:34:45.840
more tips and tricks on how to
deal with this and how to overcome this,

532
00:34:46.000 --> 00:34:50.039
or at least how to begin to
open the lines of communication, live

533
00:34:50.079 --> 00:34:52.760
your true life perspectives with your host
me Askeley Burgers will be back in I'll

534
00:34:52.760 --> 00:35:10.760
be back this time in two shapes. Get in here. You're listening to

535
00:35:10.840 --> 00:35:16.960
perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Welcome back
Live to Literature Life Perspectives, and I'm

536
00:35:16.960 --> 00:35:21.079
your host, Ashley Burgess. On
today's show, I've been talking about the

537
00:35:21.199 --> 00:35:24.960
roommate situation and understanding that with regards
to a marriage and how to understand if

538
00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:29.800
we are in the roommate situation.
And you know, in the last segment

539
00:35:29.800 --> 00:35:34.760
we've been talking about solutions, ways
of overcoming this, ways of moving forward,

540
00:35:34.880 --> 00:35:37.280
things to be able to open our
minds to. And I think one

541
00:35:37.320 --> 00:35:39.280
of the biggest thing is understanding what's
important to you, like, what is

542
00:35:39.320 --> 00:35:42.519
it that you want to achieve in
your life? What do you want to

543
00:35:42.519 --> 00:35:45.119
do? What are the main important
pieces that you want to do in your

544
00:35:45.159 --> 00:35:49.559
life? And that is so valuable
to me to understand because then you have

545
00:35:49.599 --> 00:35:52.840
to look around and say, is
this helpful to what I want to do?

546
00:35:52.039 --> 00:35:55.519
You know, is this going to
be supportive? And we need to

547
00:35:55.559 --> 00:36:00.000
talk about that. Understand where each
direction of each person is, the direct

548
00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:02.760
action each person is going in,
and very very much understand the goals of

549
00:36:02.800 --> 00:36:07.119
each person, but very much understanding
the goals that you have, and that'll

550
00:36:07.159 --> 00:36:10.360
really understand that'll really help you to
understand and process kind of things that you

551
00:36:10.400 --> 00:36:14.639
need to do, but not only
that, but also understanding the environment you

552
00:36:14.679 --> 00:36:15.880
need to be in, the in
the steps that you need to take to

553
00:36:15.960 --> 00:36:20.000
make that a reality. You know, the next step is that communication,

554
00:36:21.000 --> 00:36:25.079
opening that communication, not closing down, not disengaging, you know, not

555
00:36:27.199 --> 00:36:31.920
avoiding. And this can be hard
in any marriage. It's hard because time

556
00:36:32.039 --> 00:36:36.519
is time, and the longer you're
with somebody, the harder. It is

557
00:36:36.559 --> 00:36:42.239
a lot of time to really state
how you feel, to be honest with

558
00:36:42.440 --> 00:36:45.159
your feelings, to tell them what
you're thinking. It can be very,

559
00:36:45.239 --> 00:36:52.119
very hard, and it can be
very challenging. And that's something that you

560
00:36:52.159 --> 00:36:54.079
know a lot of people battle with, is I want to be there,

561
00:36:54.119 --> 00:36:58.159
I want to be transparent, but
yet I'm worried as to how the other

562
00:36:58.199 --> 00:37:01.440
person is going to respond or take
the information, or deal with the information,

563
00:37:01.519 --> 00:37:06.480
or understand the information, and that
that can clearly be an issue.

564
00:37:06.639 --> 00:37:08.800
And so a lot of times people
will come to you know, using a

565
00:37:08.840 --> 00:37:13.280
coach or a therapist like myself.
You know, as a coach, I

566
00:37:13.360 --> 00:37:16.480
really work on, you know,
really being able to listen to each person,

567
00:37:16.599 --> 00:37:22.519
asking the right questions, really interpreting
certain things. But but beginning with

568
00:37:22.679 --> 00:37:27.119
actually working with the individual, because
the individual is where this starts. It's

569
00:37:27.159 --> 00:37:30.280
not just a marital thing. This
is an individual thing. And being able

570
00:37:30.280 --> 00:37:34.079
to understand your goals and desires and
how you feel and what you're going through

571
00:37:34.119 --> 00:37:37.000
and then being able to kind of
put together the pieces and understanding that marriage

572
00:37:37.000 --> 00:37:42.079
piece, and that can be very
important to understand, you know. I

573
00:37:42.159 --> 00:37:46.599
also feel too that the unseaid things
are the worst things in a marriage.

574
00:37:46.639 --> 00:37:50.440
Is that there's a lot of people
that leave you know, it's it's they

575
00:37:51.119 --> 00:37:53.719
stack things, you know, and
they don't talk about it. They don't

576
00:37:53.760 --> 00:37:57.719
discuss some of the things. And
I think things that are left on said

577
00:37:57.880 --> 00:38:00.920
can bring a lot of pain and
suffering because it's like you wish that you

578
00:38:00.960 --> 00:38:04.079
would have said it, You wish
you would have discussed it. You wish

579
00:38:04.079 --> 00:38:06.960
you would have had that discussion.
You wish you would have been able to

580
00:38:07.400 --> 00:38:09.440
communicate that. And I think now
more than ever, we don't want to

581
00:38:09.519 --> 00:38:13.599
have much regret in our life.
Instead, we want to have quite the

582
00:38:13.639 --> 00:38:16.360
opposite. And so I feel that
if there's something that's being left unset and

583
00:38:16.440 --> 00:38:20.960
something that you need to vocalize,
it's probably the time to vocalize it.

584
00:38:20.960 --> 00:38:23.800
It's probably the time to have that
conversation. It's probably the time to at

585
00:38:23.880 --> 00:38:29.119
least begin to open up the lines
of communication. You know. The last

586
00:38:29.159 --> 00:38:30.719
couple of things that I want to
talk about is that, you know,

587
00:38:30.760 --> 00:38:34.800
we want to achieve our goals in
our own personal life, and we want

588
00:38:34.800 --> 00:38:37.079
to achieve our goals and our marriage
goals. We want to achieve our life

589
00:38:37.079 --> 00:38:40.239
goals, and these are important.
Really think about what those goals are,

590
00:38:40.360 --> 00:38:44.400
you know. Also think about are
their goals that you two can have in

591
00:38:44.480 --> 00:38:46.639
common as well? Are there things
that you two can do together, things

592
00:38:46.639 --> 00:38:51.840
that you can do together as common
goals. And then, last but not

593
00:38:51.960 --> 00:38:55.239
least, remembering that other person cannot
make you happy. They can bring joy

594
00:38:55.360 --> 00:38:59.159
to your life, they can bring
a smile to your face. They you

595
00:38:59.199 --> 00:39:01.599
know, but it's not about them
making you happy. It's about you making

596
00:39:01.599 --> 00:39:06.199
you happy. And what is it
that you need to do to make yourself

597
00:39:06.239 --> 00:39:10.039
happy? And that's very important.
And I feel that the roommate situation,

598
00:39:10.119 --> 00:39:15.320
you know, it's really two people
most often that are kind of going in

599
00:39:15.360 --> 00:39:19.679
different directions and then trying to process
the emotions of the marriage. And I

600
00:39:19.719 --> 00:39:22.400
think that you know, together this
can be a real challenge. I mean,

601
00:39:22.559 --> 00:39:24.239
together, there can be so much
that you're dealing with, so much

602
00:39:24.280 --> 00:39:29.679
that you're having to go through,
and that to me is a big is

603
00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:31.800
a big eye opener and something that
we all need to deal with, and

604
00:39:31.800 --> 00:39:36.840
so definitely beginning with you and looking
at you and deciding, now, what

605
00:39:36.960 --> 00:39:37.840
is it that I need to work
on on my own, What is it

606
00:39:37.840 --> 00:39:40.360
that I need to work on with
myself, What are the things that I

607
00:39:40.400 --> 00:39:43.880
want to do in my life?
And then what are the things that I

608
00:39:43.960 --> 00:39:45.800
want to work on in my marriage? What do I want from my marriage?

609
00:39:45.840 --> 00:39:49.719
What do I want from this union? Also, how do we have

610
00:39:49.800 --> 00:39:52.760
those big conversations? Because the more
we're able to communicate and the more closer

611
00:39:52.760 --> 00:39:55.880
we're able to get, the better
the union is. And sometimes those are

612
00:39:55.880 --> 00:40:00.679
the well, the not so fun
communication and sometimes the things that we don't

613
00:40:00.679 --> 00:40:05.360
want to talk about, those are
the uncomfortable conversations. And sometimes those uncomfortable

614
00:40:05.360 --> 00:40:09.320
conversations can be some of the most
enlightened conversations and the most life changing conversations

615
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that we can ever have. In
the meantime, if you haven't already,

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check out the YouTube channel or you
know, and also check out the website

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Ashley Burgess dot com. And you
know we have video content up every single

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almost every single day on YouTube,
and so check that out when you get

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a chance to check up YouTube and
put in Ashley ber Gees or go to

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YouTube and put in life Coach Ashley
Burgess. There'll be next another show coming

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up soon and in the meantime,
I hope this show has helped you.

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Please share with any family or friends
that you think need to hear the message.

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Leave your true life perspectives with your
host me. Ashley Burgess will be

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back in I'll be back this time. You know it. I'll be back

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this time from Three Shakes