Should I Take Their Advice? Know The Difference Between Helpful and Harmful Advice [Ep.758]

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You're in a good place now.
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back live to look at true
life perspectives, and I'm your host,

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Ashley Burgess. On today's show,
I'm talking about people's perspective, what

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they know, what they don't know, their awareness, How aware are they

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of their own situations, of their
own circumstances, of their own feelings.

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How often do people also offer advice? I find this interesting too. We

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can take advice, we can listen
to people give us advice, but where

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is the advice coming from? And
how do we know that's advice that we

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should be taking, you know,
whether it's self awareness or understanding, or

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understanding that somebody has been in a
similar position before. All these things are

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very interesting. And I find that
the human condition and of itself is so

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interesting because so many people are here
on the planet interpreting things completely differently,

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absolutely differently, And I find it
interesting. You know, like when people

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talk to their friends about relationship issues
or what have you, and you can

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find yourself blue in the face trying
to explain to that person what's going on

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and end depth situations and what's been
happening in this situation they just took place

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yesterday and how that's impacting you and
how that makes you feel, and asking

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them for advice. And so then
you're getting advice from someone's interpretation of what

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you've told them. So basically what
you're telling them, they're interpreting that in

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a certain way, hearing it in
a certain way, usually based on the

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past and situation that they've been in. And then they go from there to

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make their decisions on how to respond
back to you, whether they agree with

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you, disagree with you, what
have you, or they find fault in

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what you did, or they find
fault in what the other person did.

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And I'll give you a really good
example, because it could be something very

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simple. And I know that many
of you go to friends or family and

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you ask for really deep relationship advice, like marital advice, or advice around

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a divorce or you know, or
deciding to get married to somebody, and

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you're looking for them to have all
the answers to these questions. And sometimes

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you can get a little well just
stressed out because they just don't have the

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answers, or they're giving you advice
that doesn't seem correct, or they're giving

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you advice that is extreme. A
good example of extreme advice is when you're

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in a situation and people are you
just need to get out of that relationship,

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but you need to be over this
by now. I don't understand what's

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wrong with you. Or you should
have gotten divorced by now, or why

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haven't you left this person? This
person's really bad for you. Why is

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that? And there's many reasons why
somebody stays in a relationship. There's many

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reasons why we do, and a
lot of those reasons can't all be communicated.

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But also a lot of people give
advice when they've never been in a

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situation like that before. They've never
experienced it, and so they're giving advice

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to you about something that they do
not know very much about. Or they

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may be giving you advice about a
situation for you but not even realize that

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they should probably be taking their own
advice. And so let's look at how

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easy. You know, a situation
can be looked at differently by different people,

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And I want to break it down
in a way that it's something so

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simple that it's not really that questionable, just so we can all talk about

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it in a realistic way instead of
talking about emotions and hypothesis and past situations

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and upbringing and you know, and
all that stuff you know that we put

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into that. So let's talk about
something that we don't really need to look

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at that about. I mean,
we can if we want to go deep

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down the rabbit hole, but we
don't necessarily have to do it. So

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let's think about that. So in
the beginning, let's talk about a situation.

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You go to a grocery store.
Okay, you're minding your own business.

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You're in the grocery store, you're
you're going, you're in the produce

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area, You're you're grabbing some tomatoes
and maybe some basil, and you're going

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to make something that night. And
a woman literally runs up over your foot

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with the with the cart with her
cart, and then you know, tells

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you off. Okay, and you
know, that seems pretty simple and then

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leaves. So to us, I
mean, for most people, you'd be

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like, wow, that's really crazy
and not very nice and really mean,

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and that woman should have apologized and
she obviously had some sort of issue going

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on, and we were you know, we ramble on and on about that.

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But if you called let's just say
you called ten different people. And

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you know how we do when things
like that happened to us that we're not

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expecting. We call people, we
get on the horn. Can you believe

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this happened to me? Can you
believe we might even put it on Facebook

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or social media? We mayn't even
talk about it on Instagram? Can you

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believe this happened to me? What's
the reason for this? Why would somebody

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do this to me? And you're
gonna have multiple responses to that question.

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Now, this seems pretty easy.
Somebody like really just went off on you

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that you didn't know, you know, ran over your foot and then tolds

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you off, which is like somebody
cutting you off in traffic and then giving

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you the bird. Much like that. However, you might get one person

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that says, hey, that person's
really bad. You should poorted them to

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the manager of the store. You
know. Another person might say, hey,

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that person must have been having a
really bad day. You know,

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you just gotta let it go.
You know, life's like that. Sometimes

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people are having a bad day.
Man. You never know what they're going

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through. You know, they could
be going through hell and back, you

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know, and it's just your foot
doesn't hurt that much. Anymore, does

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it? I mean, big deal, get over it. You know,

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that toxic positivity type person too can
get to think about that as well.

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Or you might have somebody saying,
hey, what did you do? Did

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you provoke her? Did you say
something to her? Or you rude?

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Did you cut her off? Was
it something you did, because it had

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to be something you did. You're
just probably not aware of the actions that

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you take in public. You might
not be aware of yourself completely, you

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know, and then someone else could
be like, you should have called the

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police. That was byes. Other
people might just laugh, Wow, that's

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par for the course, you know, same crap, different day, you

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know. So you're definitely gonna get
lots of different responses for that one situation

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that seems pretty cut and dry,
I mean to me, I don't know

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about you, but I mean the
fact that they didn't have any communication,

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and you hope that your friend has
some sort of social and personal awareness that

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they know that they did or did
not do anything to hurt this person,

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that they did not know this person
prior to the altercation, and then nothing

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happened prior to the altercation, then
you would just say like, yeah,

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this person seems to be kind of
not in the right mind or in a

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bad mood, and you know,
it's horrible that that happened to you.

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I hope your day got better.
Hopefully you won't run in that person again.

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You know, really said that that
happens to you. But you know

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there's multiple layers because somebody could be
coming from the position of having a bad

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day that day when you asked them
their opinion. Other people may have had

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something like that similar happened. You
should have called the cops, You should

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have gone after her, You should
have gotten her on you should have photographed

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her a videotaped her on your iPhone. It could have been multiple situations that

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you get. So that's about something
so simple as a woman running over your

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foot with her shopping cart at the
grocery and then getting mad at you.

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Okay. So you see here there's
interpretations of events, right, the interpretation

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of the event and you know what
happened in that situation. You're also taken

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consideration the person you're telling. Do
they have any experience with this event or

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an event similar, an adjacent event, a similar event, okay, or

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do they have no such clue about
this and have never experienced this in their

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life and have no idea about an
event like that. Also, have they

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ever been to a grocery store?
You know, I mean there's multiple things.

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Have they been to a grocery store? Have they you know, have

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they dealt with somebody with a bad
attitude, you know? Or do they

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have a bad attitude? You know? How do they feel about grocery stores?

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Do they get stressed? You know
about grocery shopping? Some people get

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stressed about it. Some people get
overwhelmed by it. Too many things to

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choose from, too much stuff to
get, They forget at things, so

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they get very they get very stressed
at the grocery store. So they've had

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stressful experiences at the grocery Okay,
Now there's a reason for this whole entire

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dialogue. I'm sure you know after
you've probably listened to multiple multiple shows of

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literature, life Perspectives and me Ashley
Burgess and I like to go in depth

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with these types of things and really
analyze these things because it's important that we

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really see things truthfully in the way
that the world works. Right now.

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Okay, Also, you know,
the thing is too is that if somebody

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has had somebody go off on them. You know, how does that feel?

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How do they interpret that? You
know? You know, also who

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are they to you? So?
Who are you to them? What is

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your you know? Where are you? Are you a friend? You know,

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a bestie? You know? Are
you their son or daughter? Who

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are you to them? Okay?
And then and then also you got the

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people that are either either always toxically
positive, and some of them don't have

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to be toxically so there's some of
them maybe just really really positive. You

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might have the person that's constantly,
you know, feeling you know for the

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person you know that has the outbursts. You know whether or not they outburst

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a lot, but you know,
you know how that goes. So the

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person that feels for it. It's
almost like when you're in the car and

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somebody cuts you off and the passenger
gets mad at you, and you're like,

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whoa wait a second. One,
we're family, and two where the

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heck is this coming from? Because
this is not going to work in my

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vehicle? Okay, this is not
going to work. You also have the

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person that's going to take your position
inside at all times. And then you're

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going to have some of those interesting
characters in your life that are gonna always

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take the opposite side, as we
call them, devil's advocate. M.

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So what did you do? What
was going on? Had you had anything

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to drink on the way to the
grocery store? You know, how is

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your blood sugar level? What kind
of attitude were you? Were you on

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the phone. You might not have
even realized what was going on. You

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might have been on the phone.
You could have had those earbuds in.

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She thought you were talking to her
because she got those earbuds in all the

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time. I know, you you
know lots of different little judgments, and

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you know things that are at your
expense expense, you know, but we

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have those hooks in our life too, right. So now we're talking about

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here a grocery store situation with a
woman that runs over our foot with the

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cart and then tells us off in
so many words. So that's what we're

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dealing with. So now let's take
that and turn that concept around to a

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marriage or relationship. Okay, So
the grocery store becomes the relationship marriage and

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we understand why we were talking about
fear in the grocery store, right,

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so that becomes that okay, and
then you know, the situation is a

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constant situation ensuing between two people on
a daily basis. So at a daily

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is you could have multiple, multiple
situations like this cancruement to each other,

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back to back, constant situations of
good, bad, and different highs and

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lows, ups and downs, extremes, extremes, black and white, middle

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ground. You can have all these
things going on, you know, So

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example, you know, you know, running over your foot, you know,

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maybe kicking you or you know,
or pencing you, or making a

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snide comment about how big your head
is, or any sort of comments in

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between in that situation and then telling
you off. Okay, So this can

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happen in any sort of relationships.
So let's say it's a long term romantic

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relationship. Let's say it's a long
term marriage, and that's the marriage is

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the grocery store. The situation is
a situation that takes place yesterday in your

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relationship. And then you know,
whether that adds fuel to the fire,

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if this is common situation and this
is a normal way of doing things,

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what have you? These are the
things that we have to look at.

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And then as you're sharing this with
people in your group, so whether it's

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you know, we have to look
at the family. All right, you're

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mom, dad, Maybe you're close
to your bro or your sister. Right,

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what about your best eat I don't
know if it's your best guy friend,

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your best girlfriend. You know what
I'm saying. Whoever that is?

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What about your therapists, your life
coach? Okay, how do they see

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it? Right? Okay? What
about the folks that you might go to

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the bar and have a drink with, how do they see it? Okay?

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So think about it. So all
these folks are going to give you

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different advice and see things differently.
So some people are going to take your

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side. Some people are definitely not
going to take your side because they never

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take your side. And you start
wondering why you hang out with these people

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when they never take your side.
That should be another show, because that

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in and of itself is a situation
and a red flag. However, you're

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going to have people that also,
well, what did you say and how

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did that happen? And how do
they respond to what you say? And

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how do you feel about what they? Okay? So, but the thing

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is, you know how much time
it takes to really tell somebody all the

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factual evidence about a situation that took
place in a relationship because it's predicated on

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multiples, multiple months, multiple years
of this relationship. And this is either

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a cyclical thing or it's a rare
thing. But you know, when it's

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cyclical, you have something to kind
of base it on. But again,

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you know, people could also question
your interpretation, how you're interpreting it.

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You know, where is your mind
not? You know, did you provoke

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it? I mean, all these
things are very interesting because people are going

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to ask you those questions. And
so when we return, I'm going to

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be talking digging deep into this because
I think it's time because really, honestly,

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you know, we're all living in
this world. We're all in our

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own mind, We're all in our
own heads, and the fact that we

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get along most of the time is
probably a really good thing because otherwise most

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of us are probably not even living
on the same planet. So stay tuned

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because I got lots more information for
you and some fun stuff today labor True

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Life Perspectives with me, your host
Ashley Burgess, will be back in well

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you know it. I think I'll
be back this time into shapes during it

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up and jump in the deep end
on perspectives. Now here's Ashley, Welcome

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back Live to look at true life
perspectives, and I'm your host, Ashley

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Burgess. On today's show, I'm
talking about interpretation. I'm talking about dealing

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with the situation, explaining a situation
about your life and trying to get advice

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from somebody, whether it's a family
member, a mom, dad, or

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brothers, sister, a bestie,
your therapist, your life coach, your

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buddies at the bar, or whoever
it is, and asking them to get

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their advice, or even them not
even asking. You're not even asking them

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for advice. They're actually giving you
advice about a situation in your life that

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they may not know that much about. Their interpretation of the situations of what's

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going on could be very different than
what reality is. You know, their

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background and knowledge of the situation could
be limited at best. You know,

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maybe they are also not looking at
their own problems and situation in their life,

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which is always very interest same because
many of us overlook our own problems

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and issues and it's a lot easier
to talk about other people's problems and issues

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and make those bigger than life,
so we can talk about those and offset

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our own problems. You know,
when I was talking about the example of

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the grocery store, right, and
you're in the grocery store and you're minding

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your own business and you're you know, you're you're in the produced area and

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you got your little cart and you're
you're grabbing some stuff, and then all

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of a sudden, this woman runs
up on your foot, runs over your

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foot with the cart, and then
tells you to go, you know,

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screw off, you know, and
you're just like, well, what you

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know, and it's just it's completely
out of the loop. You know,

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you aren't expecting. But you know
how many people would interpret that differently.

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What had you done? Did you
provoke her? Were you're not paying attention?

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Da? Maybe she's in bad she
was in a bad movie. Oh,

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she's probably having a bad day.
You need to let things happen,

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you know. Sometimes you know,
things are happening and people you don't know,

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all the paining, the stuffer and
they're going through. You should just

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let it go, you know,
let it go, be happy that you're

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okay. And then you have people
that don't even listen to any of that

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that you're saying because you automatically had
something to do with it, you know,

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there's something wrong with you. And
that applies to a relationship. We

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have a tendency of asking people close
to us about our relationship, or people

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close to us have a tendency of
thinking that we want their advice when really,

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honestly, probably not necessary. I
found that anytime that you get advice

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from someone that you know on a
personal level. So I'm not talking about

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you know, your therapist or your
coach, but somebody you know on a

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personal level, like somebody that your
actions affect them. They are going to

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have their opinion on your choices,
and that opinion directly relates to what they

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feel and what works best for them. Now, you're gonna have some people

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that will say, you know,
hey, I care about you and I

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want you to choose whatever's right for
you. You you choose what's right for

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you. I'm going to sit back, I'm gonna be okay with it.

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But know that you know I'm gonna
I want you to choose what's best for

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you and I want things to work
out for you. And you know,

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even if this is not really what
I feel is best for you. Now,

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there's not a lot of people,
though, that are gonna say that

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there's gonna be a lot of people
out there that they are gonna have their

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thoughts already. They're gonna have their
thoughts about what you should be doing already,

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and they're gonna make their decisions based
on that, and they're gonna give

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you some advice that you probably have
not asked for. And some of that

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advice is going to also make you
feel kind of bad. A lot of

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this advice, sometimes when it's not
what we really need to hear, is

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stuff about how we haven't done something
right, or how we've been late to

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the game, or how we've been
dealing with this. And I'm sure most

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of us know to some degree already
what's already happening. It's not like we're

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an idiot. We don't see it
in our own life. For sure,

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we see it. Sometimes we would
like to not see it, sometimes like

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we'd like to ignore it, maybe
put it on the back burner for a

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little bit, not deal with it. But you know, it is what

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it is. But it's interesting how
people would give us this advice even when

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their life is not at its peak
as well, And I find that interesting

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too. We begin to pull back
the layers of the onion and we begin

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to realize that the person that's giving
us this advice is also having multiple challenges

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in their life but not looking at
those challenges, not dealing with them effectively,

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and definitely not taking their own advice, because they might be in a

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relationship that's horrible that they've stayed in
for thirty years, but they're telling you

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that the first fight you have with
your spouse that it's time for you to

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leave and you need to grow a
pair and you need to move on.

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And so, honestly, we're going
to be deep diving and having some fun

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here in the next segment talking about
this type of advice and ways of offsetting

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it, because what I've seen is
that this type of advice can be actually

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very negative when it comes to life
changes for us, and it can make

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us focus on the wrong things.
So stay tuned. I'll be right back

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your True Life Perspectives with your host
me ask you Burtis will be back in

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I'll be back this time, you
know it. I'll be back this time

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into Shapes. This is Jake Busey
and you're listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back live to Literatrue Life Perspectives. And I'm your host, Ashley

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Burgess on today's show, I'm talking
about advice. I've been talking about advice

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that we give from friends, family
members, our mothers, our fathers,

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our besties, and you know,
looking at that advice and analyzing is that

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advice good for us? Does it
resonate with us? Do they understand my

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play? Do they understand where I
am? Are they able to give this

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advice? That's a big one,
you know, you know, are they

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able to actually give this advice?
I mean, if somebody has never been

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married and they're giving you advice about
your marriage and you've been married for twenty

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years, it might not be the
actual person you should be taking the advice

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from. Okay, Like I say
to my clients, if somebody is an

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addiction and they're an addiction crisis and
they're an addiction, you need to go

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to somebody that has been addicted.
You need to go to somebody that has

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gotten over addiction, has been sober
for at least ten years, and can

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help you to see about addiction and
understand addiction. You don't need to deal

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with somebody that's never been addicted,
okay, because they understand where somebody's coming

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from it has that that is addicted
in this moment. And so really,

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are they able to speak this advice? Are they able to speak to it?

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Are they able to connect with you? Can they resonnate with that?

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Does that make sense? And that's
one of the first takeaways you know that

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I think you know, are they
able to dispense this advice? First and

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foremost good question. Now, I'm
not saying that you should look them right

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in the phase and say, hey
man, you've never been married, there's

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no way in hell and taking advice
from you think so much? Have a

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good day? No, you just
okay, well, I appreciate your advice.

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Thank you, Thank you. Now. Another thing too that I find

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is that a lot of people are
willing to dispense advice when it comes to

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your marriage, your relationship, what
you do, and the things that you

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do in your life, you know, the stuff you do. I call

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it the stuff you do because it's
true. People are always like judging what

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you're doing. You know, I
think that what you're doing is right,

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wrong, misguided, whatever other word
they want to use in there. I

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think also a lot of people give
advice and what they think is best for

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you. What do they think is
best for you, whether it's relationship changes,

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job changes, you know, career
changes, housing changes, you know,

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moving across the country to live somewhere
else because you should be living in

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here, you should live there,
that's a good spot for you. It's

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like, Wow, you've put a
lot of thought into where I should be

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living. Maybe should put some thought
into where you should be living and what

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you should be doing right now and
what you should have done. Those are

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some of the biggest things people will
tell you advice. Now, some of

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you might just say it's judgment,
okay, but we're looking at it from

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advice from the standpoint today. You
know, I don't want to sit there

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and get everybody up in arms and
angry when somebody tries to give them a

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piece of advice. Some of you
may feel like it is judgment, and

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from some people, maybe it is
judgment, and that needs to be evaluated

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as well. You know, what
is the difference between judgment, you know,

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versus advice, Because I think anybody
can judge anybody. And that's where

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there's a big issue is that,
you know, I find it very funny

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how there's a lot of folks out
there that, you know, beat the

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spirituality drum. We call these spiritual
bypassers, okay, And that's something I

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want to talk about in another episode
as well as the spiritual bypassing that's happening

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in the world around us today.
And a lot of people out there that

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sit there and say, oh,
I'm you know, I do this,

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and I'm so spiritual and so deep. But yet they turn around and judge

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a good friend of theirs and they
make judgment instead of sitting there talking and

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having a conversation and being able to
discuss you know, rationally and considerately and

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thinking about that consciously, they just
don't want to do it. So they

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become very judgy in nature. And
so I will do another show too about

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judgment versus advice, as well as
another one on spiritual bypassing. And once

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you catch that with somebody, you
know, you just got to let that

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go because it's easy for people to
judge other people's choices, but it's difficult

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for them to look at their own
choices. And so that's a big one.

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So yeah, So they, like
most people, like to give you

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advice based on your own marriage or
your relationship that you're in. You know,

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the things that you do what's best
for you and what you should be

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doing or what you should have done. Okay, now what I've realized those

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I've kind of come up with a
criteria Okay, criteria on wrong advice,

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what I would consider bad advice versus
right advice, So good advice versus bad

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advice, and how to judge it. So you got bad advice versus good

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We'll start with the bad and look
at the good, because you know,

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sometimes we just got to start with
the bad first, you know. And

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I and I'm not trying to be
all black and white here. It's not

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black and white. But there's there's
positive advice. There's there's a helpful advice.

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So maybe so maybe that it could
be considered you know, maybe hurtful.

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But see again, you know,
people say, well, I'm not

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trying to hurt anybody. So we'll
just say not the best type of advice.

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Okay, let's get a little homogenized
there and you know, roll it

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around and have some fun with our
PC world. And so what are some

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of the ways that we know that
we're not getting the best of advice?

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Okay, Well, the first thing
is that usually when you're getting this advice,

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advice it makes you feel pretty bad, like it really takes you down

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to your core and makes you question
your reality. You feel bad about yourself.

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You might even feel super sad.
Um you kind of just start like

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disconnecting at that point. So you've
told this person whatever you told them,

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You've elaborated about your life, You've
had that conversation, and then all of

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a sudden, they're kind of basically, you know, beating you down,

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you know, with their responses and
what they think you should do, and

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you begin to what I what I
feel is that it makes you close up.

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So you begin to feel overwhelmed,
you feel drained, you know,

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you feel sad, you feel discouraged. These are all very interesting, you

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know words when you think about because
discouraged is a very interesting word that has

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a lot of feelings to me.
You feel discouraged. You also don't want

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to continue the conversation. You don't
want to continue talking to them. You

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don't want to continue the conversation.
You're wishing that you hadn't told them what

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you had told them. You're wishing
that you hadn't told them anything. You

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were hoping that you hadn't told them
anything. And now you're you're real kind

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00:26:00.400 --> 00:26:03.759
of upset with yourself about feeling as
though you could trust this person with this

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information. You're feeling kind of hurt, and you're also you're feeling what I

390
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would consider a little bit like raw, So like you're feeling raw because it's

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like a raw nerve. You're feeling
raw because this person is now kind of

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what you feel. It goes from
advice to judge. And I think I

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think that's another thing too, is
that when it's not the good advice,

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when it's the wrong advice, it
makes you feel also kind of maybe upset

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with yourself because when we're getting the
good advice or what I consider the true

396
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advice, or you know, maybe
the true advice, you know, because

397
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we're all about living or true life, is that we feel we might not

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feel like elated about it. It
might not be like, oh my god,

399
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this is the best advice in the
world and this is going to be

400
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so super simple. No, but
it makes you feel safe, like you

401
00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:53.119
say, Okay, you know it
might not be the easiest of things,

402
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but I realize that this has some
truth and merit into it, and I

403
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do need to look at it from
that perspective. And so you feel safe

404
00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:03.920
if in the understanding of understanding that
and acknowledging them. It also doesn't feel

405
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judgy. So that's another piece of
it too, is that it doesn't feel

406
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judge. You know that the judge
part doesn't seem to exist, and when

407
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you get rid of that judge part, all of a sudden, things seem

408
00:27:14.519 --> 00:27:17.960
to feel a little better. When
you get rid of that judge, party

409
00:27:18.000 --> 00:27:21.359
doesn't seem so bad. You know, it actually seems not so bad at

410
00:27:21.359 --> 00:27:23.960
all. You actually kind of go, huh, it's really not that bad,

411
00:27:25.680 --> 00:27:30.400
you know. I think also when
we get this type of true advice,

412
00:27:30.880 --> 00:27:38.000
okay, you know, we also
feel good about the source where it's

413
00:27:38.039 --> 00:27:42.960
coming. So we can feel good
about the source where it's coming. Like

414
00:27:44.000 --> 00:27:45.200
so we feel like, okay,
you know, because we know that this

415
00:27:45.319 --> 00:27:51.599
person's probably gone through it, they
have some experience. Perhaps we've helped them

416
00:27:51.640 --> 00:27:55.839
as well. Also, you know, it's not judge, and they're probably

417
00:27:55.880 --> 00:27:59.000
saying a lot of you know,
hey, there's no judgment here, and

418
00:27:59.079 --> 00:28:02.039
I care about how you feel,
and you know it's up to you.

419
00:28:02.119 --> 00:28:04.240
But here are some of the things
that I'm seeing, you know, like

420
00:28:04.319 --> 00:28:07.599
when clients work with me, I
mean that's the thing is that it's not

421
00:28:07.640 --> 00:28:11.279
about me making decisions for them or
passing at all any judgment. It is

422
00:28:11.319 --> 00:28:15.519
literally like, hey, here's the
situation, let's look at it from all

423
00:28:15.839 --> 00:28:18.799
angles, let's look at it from
every side of the coin. Let's figure

424
00:28:18.799 --> 00:28:21.240
it out, and then let's manage
it from there. And then what do

425
00:28:21.279 --> 00:28:22.880
we do next? How do we
move forward? What is the next step?

426
00:28:22.880 --> 00:28:26.799
And these are very important things to
take into consideration and things that we

427
00:28:26.880 --> 00:28:30.559
have to learn and understand and we
can grow from as well. So I

428
00:28:30.599 --> 00:28:33.720
also believe though, too, when
we're getting that true advice, that good

429
00:28:33.720 --> 00:28:38.799
advice, we also can process it
and think about it. We have time

430
00:28:38.839 --> 00:28:42.200
to begin to process it. We
have time to think about it, and

431
00:28:42.240 --> 00:28:45.880
then we you know, and then
we even allow them to be let in

432
00:28:47.000 --> 00:28:49.640
more as we process more of the
advice. So as we process more,

433
00:28:49.920 --> 00:28:52.720
we allow them more into our life, we allow them to be a part

434
00:28:52.799 --> 00:28:57.079
more in our life, and we
also trust more with them. Where we

435
00:28:57.119 --> 00:29:02.079
have trust, we have gained trust
through the situation. We've gained trust in

436
00:29:02.119 --> 00:29:06.839
the situation, which really helps go
a long way with our situation. And

437
00:29:06.880 --> 00:29:11.400
then we also know where the advice
is coming from. And we accept the

438
00:29:11.440 --> 00:29:17.119
source from where it comes from.
And oftentimes too with this advice, it's

439
00:29:17.240 --> 00:29:22.440
usually advice that we've actually asked for
from a particular person that we've saught and

440
00:29:22.519 --> 00:29:25.599
not every person that you're going to
seek out their advice is going to give

441
00:29:25.640 --> 00:29:27.599
you proper advice. Sorry, which
I could say that not going to happen.

442
00:29:29.440 --> 00:29:33.119
However, that also can give you
a bird's eye view and to who

443
00:29:33.160 --> 00:29:37.359
are the people that you should be
asking the advice from, who are the

444
00:29:37.400 --> 00:29:40.359
people that you should communicate with,
and who are the people that you should

445
00:29:40.359 --> 00:29:42.759
also maybe keep a little bit at
arms distance that might not be giving you

446
00:29:42.880 --> 00:29:47.759
the best of advice and might not
understand your life. Because I've also had

447
00:29:47.799 --> 00:29:49.279
many clients come to me because they
say, you know, hey, I

448
00:29:49.359 --> 00:29:53.960
was given advice from my brother or
my sister, a parent, a family

449
00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:59.480
member, and quite honestly, it
made me feel super bad. It made

450
00:29:59.480 --> 00:30:03.599
me feel really bad, and it
made me upset, and I felt really

451
00:30:03.640 --> 00:30:06.960
bad about myself and I felt a
lot of shame. And that's when they

452
00:30:06.960 --> 00:30:08.440
come to me and we have to
walk through, first off, what's going

453
00:30:08.519 --> 00:30:12.519
on. Understand the situation. Usually
it's a relationship issue or something else that

454
00:30:12.640 --> 00:30:18.359
other people are upset with them about
or see the problems or whatever that is.

455
00:30:18.400 --> 00:30:19.920
And so we have to process all
that go through that try to figure

456
00:30:19.920 --> 00:30:22.880
out what's best for the client,
what they need to do, and that

457
00:30:22.920 --> 00:30:26.359
takes some time, and then we
have to get past all this other advice

458
00:30:26.440 --> 00:30:30.039
that's been given that's been making them
question themselves on a daily basis. And

459
00:30:30.079 --> 00:30:33.519
that's something that we definitely want to
do and be able to process that in

460
00:30:33.559 --> 00:30:37.079
a daily basis, and that can
work very well. However, remember most

461
00:30:37.079 --> 00:30:41.000
people don't go to a third party
to get advice, which they need to,

462
00:30:41.160 --> 00:30:45.799
because that third party will give them
advice that is not at all one

463
00:30:45.880 --> 00:30:49.039
sided or the other. Because many
times, you know, people give advice

464
00:30:49.079 --> 00:30:55.119
based on what they like, what
they dislike, what they want more of.

465
00:30:55.319 --> 00:30:57.079
You know, if you're at a
family union and you can't stand someone's

466
00:30:57.079 --> 00:31:00.960
wife, you know, you're going
to tell them all reasons why they need

467
00:31:00.960 --> 00:31:03.519
to, you know, get away
from this person. You're going to give

468
00:31:03.559 --> 00:31:04.960
them all the reasons, tell them
all the stuff because you don't want to

469
00:31:04.960 --> 00:31:07.480
see them at the family reunions,
you don't want to spend time with them,

470
00:31:07.720 --> 00:31:11.680
and there's multiple reasons you know,
and it's it's also too is that

471
00:31:11.759 --> 00:31:17.720
a lot of times when you're not
listening from a trained ear and you're not

472
00:31:17.799 --> 00:31:21.279
catching and asking all the questions,
we can make decisions. We can give

473
00:31:21.279 --> 00:31:25.240
people advice and lead them in a
direction that might not be a healthy direction

474
00:31:25.319 --> 00:31:29.079
for them. You know, it
might not be a healthy direction for them.

475
00:31:29.079 --> 00:31:32.200
I mean, we can hear people
because we have our we think a

476
00:31:32.240 --> 00:31:34.119
certain thing about them, or we
feel a certain way about them, and

477
00:31:34.160 --> 00:31:38.400
we might be giving them the completely
wrong advice then they need. And that's

478
00:31:38.400 --> 00:31:41.920
not what we want to do.
We don't want to give that completely wrong

479
00:31:41.920 --> 00:31:44.440
advice. We don't want to do
that. We don't want to make that

480
00:31:44.519 --> 00:31:48.400
happen in our life. And we
want to move forward with the proper advice

481
00:31:48.880 --> 00:31:51.640
if we're going to listen to it, and how we're going to take that

482
00:31:51.680 --> 00:31:56.759
advice. So very important stuff there
and things that we have to adhere to

483
00:31:56.839 --> 00:32:00.359
and look at. And I think
these are important aspects all of our life

484
00:32:00.359 --> 00:32:02.400
and things that we need to understand. So when you think about that,

485
00:32:02.519 --> 00:32:07.359
if you've been given any sort of
bad advice, wrong advice, you know,

486
00:32:07.519 --> 00:32:10.240
hurtful advice, how did you know? How did you interpret that and

487
00:32:10.279 --> 00:32:14.319
what do you do with that?
How did you dispose of that? How

488
00:32:14.319 --> 00:32:16.920
did you deal with that? Because
I think many times that type of advice

489
00:32:17.039 --> 00:32:22.559
is harmful because we internalize the pain, We internalize what's happening, and then

490
00:32:22.599 --> 00:32:24.759
we almost have a state of inaction. We get into a state of inaction

491
00:32:24.839 --> 00:32:29.039
where we don't do things. We're
in a state of inaction where we don't

492
00:32:29.079 --> 00:32:32.359
get things done, and because we're
too busy beating ourselves up for what happened

493
00:32:32.400 --> 00:32:37.839
instead of looking at it from a
holistic point of view, when we do

494
00:32:37.960 --> 00:32:42.079
get that better, that true,
that good advice, I feel like that's

495
00:32:42.079 --> 00:32:45.960
something that we can kind of lean
into. But I think also too ultimately

496
00:32:45.599 --> 00:32:50.480
they're gonna be hard experiences, but
we ultimately have to figure out what we're

497
00:32:50.519 --> 00:32:52.799
going to do and the direction that
we're going to do it in. And

498
00:32:52.880 --> 00:32:58.519
that's what I think is so important
to understand and to process at this time.

499
00:32:58.880 --> 00:33:00.880
And so thinking about these types of
things and thinking about advice, and

500
00:33:00.920 --> 00:33:06.319
also thinking about how people think differently. You know, remember, people have

501
00:33:06.359 --> 00:33:10.440
different personalities, They see things different, they process things different, different things

502
00:33:10.440 --> 00:33:14.880
have happened to them in their life, Lots of different things that lead to

503
00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:17.920
different experiences. These different experiences color
the way that they see the world,

504
00:33:19.160 --> 00:33:22.000
and that directly relates to how they're
going to respond or see your experience.

505
00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:25.359
They're not going to see your experience
any different, you know, or they're

506
00:33:25.359 --> 00:33:29.079
going to see your experience very different. They're not going to understand where you're

507
00:33:29.079 --> 00:33:31.160
coming from. They're not going to
understand your choices. They're going to question

508
00:33:31.880 --> 00:33:37.440
why you chose something. And that
is very interesting to think about. That

509
00:33:37.599 --> 00:33:43.559
some very highly thoughtful processing here that
we need to think about and understand and

510
00:33:43.720 --> 00:33:46.799
gain some knowledge ins here before we
accept certain things or certain thoughts into our

511
00:33:46.839 --> 00:33:51.079
life. They can get us off
track from where we need to be at

512
00:33:51.119 --> 00:33:52.920
in our day to day life.
And we already have lots of stress and

513
00:33:52.960 --> 00:33:55.599
anxiety in our life. There's things
that are going on that we would like

514
00:33:55.640 --> 00:33:59.640
to change or see different. And
the last thing you want to be doing

515
00:33:59.720 --> 00:34:02.680
is really super questioning ourselves when we
don't need to be, because that's just

516
00:34:02.759 --> 00:34:07.840
going to lead to more stress and
anxiety that we don't necessarily need in our

517
00:34:07.880 --> 00:34:12.599
life. And so being able to
analyze, is this person able to give

518
00:34:12.639 --> 00:34:15.079
me advice, to give me the
right advice to give me the proper advice,

519
00:34:15.119 --> 00:34:19.119
to give me this advice that they're
giving me. And should I take

520
00:34:19.119 --> 00:34:22.880
it, you know, and should
I take it? That's a big question,

521
00:34:22.920 --> 00:34:24.840
and that's up to you. That
is up to you for you to

522
00:34:24.880 --> 00:34:30.239
analyze and you to understand and process. And those are things that can really

523
00:34:30.280 --> 00:34:34.079
be helpful in our situation in our
life because that can take a lot of

524
00:34:34.119 --> 00:34:37.519
guests work out of things, and
it can also create a lot more calmness

525
00:34:37.519 --> 00:34:40.119
and peace in our life. So
stay tun when I return, be wrapping

526
00:34:40.159 --> 00:34:45.519
it up and giving some really cool
neggative advice to help out in this situation

527
00:34:45.280 --> 00:34:50.280
that can help you or help a
friend as well. So literatrue Life Perspectives

528
00:34:50.559 --> 00:34:52.760
with me, your host Ashley Burgess
will be back in I'll be back this

529
00:34:52.840 --> 00:35:09.320
time. You know it, back
this time in two shakes. Get in

530
00:35:09.480 --> 00:35:16.440
here. You're listening to Perspectives with
Ashley Burgess. Welcome back live to look

531
00:35:16.480 --> 00:35:21.320
at your life perspectives and I'm your
host Ashley Burgess on today's show and talking

532
00:35:21.320 --> 00:35:24.519
about getting advice and understanding if that
person that's giving you advice, do they

533
00:35:24.559 --> 00:35:30.440
have the ability to actually give this
advice and is it helpful. Many of

534
00:35:30.480 --> 00:35:32.239
us are given advice that can't be
helpful. And someone has given advice that

535
00:35:32.360 --> 00:35:36.440
is not helpful. It actually makes
us more stressed out, makes us sad,

536
00:35:36.960 --> 00:35:39.360
makes us feel like we're stuck,
makes us feel overwhelmed, or we

537
00:35:39.400 --> 00:35:44.559
can't change anything. We internalize the
pain and begin to go after ourselves and

538
00:35:44.639 --> 00:35:47.440
beat ourselves down, and in the
process we lose sight of what we need

539
00:35:47.519 --> 00:35:51.159
to deal with, and so we
begin to find there's gotta be something wrong

540
00:35:51.159 --> 00:35:52.119
with me. There's gotta be something
wrong with me. There's gotta be something

541
00:35:52.119 --> 00:35:57.119
wrong with me. And that is
my version of the wrong advice is when

542
00:35:57.119 --> 00:35:59.800
we start turning it around. Yes, we might not always be perfect.

543
00:36:00.079 --> 00:36:01.440
Sure there might be things that we
need to change. But I find that

544
00:36:01.440 --> 00:36:06.400
when they write advice is given,
it's given more of many questions for you

545
00:36:06.440 --> 00:36:09.159
to analyze your situation and think what's
best for you. It's not about judgment,

546
00:36:09.239 --> 00:36:12.320
Oh this person is going to do
this or that to you, or

547
00:36:12.320 --> 00:36:14.800
oh you better watch out for this, or oh you better watch out for

548
00:36:14.800 --> 00:36:16.360
that. It's more about questions.
And that's why you know, as a

549
00:36:16.440 --> 00:36:20.400
therapist and a coach, you know
I have the therapists that work with me,

550
00:36:20.559 --> 00:36:23.760
coaches that work with me, and
then myself. We ask those questions,

551
00:36:23.800 --> 00:36:27.599
you know, the questions are,
what's that That's the stuff that we

552
00:36:27.679 --> 00:36:30.480
got to get to, That's the
stuff that we got to jump into to

553
00:36:30.639 --> 00:36:35.000
find the truth. That's how we
find the truth in a situation. That's

554
00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:38.519
how we help you to find the
truth. And you know what I find

555
00:36:38.519 --> 00:36:40.239
though, is like, you know, a lot of people, like our

556
00:36:40.239 --> 00:36:45.039
friends, our family, our besties
are not so besties, you know,

557
00:36:45.119 --> 00:36:46.880
the people that we hang out with
occasionally will give us advice. Now,

558
00:36:46.920 --> 00:36:51.199
sometimes that advice is good, and
sometimes that advice is not good, And

559
00:36:51.320 --> 00:36:53.920
that advice could be anything about a
marriage or relationship, the things you do,

560
00:36:54.079 --> 00:36:57.880
what they consider what's best for you, what you should be doing,

561
00:36:57.920 --> 00:37:00.519
what now, what you shouldn't be
doing right now, all the things in

562
00:37:00.559 --> 00:37:02.639
the middle of all those situations.
And so, you know, a lot

563
00:37:02.679 --> 00:37:06.440
of people will give advice. Now. I find it interesting too, though,

564
00:37:06.440 --> 00:37:08.719
how many people will give advice but
do not take advice. And I

565
00:37:08.760 --> 00:37:13.840
also find it interesting too how many
people give advice that probably might not be

566
00:37:14.079 --> 00:37:17.599
needing to give advice because their life
or their situation might not be the perfect

567
00:37:19.599 --> 00:37:22.920
mirror or situation to be giving advice. And I'm not judging people. I'm

568
00:37:22.920 --> 00:37:27.039
just saying that sometimes when people are
giving advice, it's off setting their own

569
00:37:27.079 --> 00:37:30.159
situation, off setting their own problems, instead of actually looking at what they

570
00:37:30.199 --> 00:37:34.800
need to be looking at in their
own life. And we talked a little

571
00:37:34.800 --> 00:37:37.400
bit about that in our last segment. As you know, the concept between

572
00:37:37.480 --> 00:37:39.880
you know, advice and judgment,
and many times when somebody is giving you

573
00:37:39.920 --> 00:37:44.559
the wrong advice, it is judgment. And so it's like, you know,

574
00:37:44.679 --> 00:37:47.039
you have to really ask this is
this judgment you know, or is

575
00:37:47.039 --> 00:37:53.039
this advice? And really ask yourself
that question, because if it is judgment,

576
00:37:53.119 --> 00:37:55.960
this is not helping you in any
way. This is making judgments about

577
00:37:55.960 --> 00:38:00.280
your situation that they might not know
that much about. Because remember a relationship,

578
00:38:00.440 --> 00:38:05.519
there's a lot of you know,
situations, there's a lot of moving

579
00:38:05.679 --> 00:38:07.480
parts. You know. When I
was giving the example of the grocery store

580
00:38:07.559 --> 00:38:10.719
and the you know, the woman
running over your foot with the cart and

581
00:38:10.719 --> 00:38:14.519
then you know, saying something rude
to you and walking away, I mean,

582
00:38:14.559 --> 00:38:15.960
many people are going to see that
the same, but many people are

583
00:38:15.960 --> 00:38:20.400
going to see that situation differently,
asking if you provoke them or what was

584
00:38:20.440 --> 00:38:22.400
going on or what was said or
whatever. There's gonna be lots of questions.

585
00:38:22.519 --> 00:38:24.920
So there's multiple things. And that's
a you know, a situation that

586
00:38:24.960 --> 00:38:29.559
took place in one minute. Think
about a relationship that lasts over a period

587
00:38:29.599 --> 00:38:32.039
of time and the ups and downs
and struggles in the situations and how that

588
00:38:32.079 --> 00:38:36.880
works out. These are all things
to really think about and things to understand,

589
00:38:37.199 --> 00:38:38.360
and so really think about that,
you know, and the next time

590
00:38:38.400 --> 00:38:42.400
somebody does give you advice that makes
you feel bad or makes you feel overwhelmed,

591
00:38:42.440 --> 00:38:45.559
or makes you feel discouraged, or
makes you feel judge or make you

592
00:38:45.599 --> 00:38:47.400
feel like you wish you hadn't told
them, you know, really analyze that

593
00:38:47.480 --> 00:38:52.039
experience, see it for what it
is, you know, and then really

594
00:38:52.039 --> 00:38:54.559
consider, you know, either asking
them advice again or consider, you know,

595
00:38:54.599 --> 00:38:57.880
just hey, I appreciate your vice. You know, I'm really working

596
00:38:57.880 --> 00:39:00.519
on this with my therapist or my
coach, or I'm really processing this right

597
00:39:00.559 --> 00:39:05.039
now and letting that go because otherwise, what I found is that it gets

598
00:39:05.039 --> 00:39:07.480
in the way of your progress,
It gets in the way of your ability

599
00:39:07.519 --> 00:39:10.280
to make changes in the situation,
and it gets in the way of you

600
00:39:10.360 --> 00:39:15.360
actually being proactive, because now you
begin to question yourself on multiple levels,

601
00:39:15.440 --> 00:39:19.480
questioning your own self, questioning the
validity of things, questioning if you have

602
00:39:19.559 --> 00:39:23.480
a problem based on this advice.
So things to think about. There's definitely

603
00:39:23.519 --> 00:39:27.559
a good advice, true advice,
and there's definitely wrong advice, and you

604
00:39:27.599 --> 00:39:30.679
know, an harmful advice, and
that good advice is going to feel safe,

605
00:39:30.719 --> 00:39:34.440
You're going to trust where it's coming
from. You're going to feel that

606
00:39:34.480 --> 00:39:36.840
you are not judge, and you're
gonna begin to process and come back to

607
00:39:36.880 --> 00:39:38.159
them with some other thoughts and ideas, and they're going to be there to

608
00:39:38.159 --> 00:39:42.679
listen to you and ask the right
questions that are necessary and needed. Check

609
00:39:42.719 --> 00:39:45.960
out my website go to Ashleyburgers dot
com actually Berges dot com. You can

610
00:39:46.000 --> 00:39:51.920
get more information on me there as
well as scheduling a coaching session there directly

611
00:39:52.000 --> 00:39:55.199
online. For more information about topics
and situations and subject matters that I cover,

612
00:39:55.360 --> 00:40:00.000
just go to YouTube. Go to
YouTube and search up life coach as

613
00:40:00.199 --> 00:40:04.239
Burgess or Ashley Burgess Life Coach,
and you can find lots of videos there,

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00:40:04.400 --> 00:40:07.599
probably over a thousand videos there and
we put up a video once a

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00:40:07.679 --> 00:40:10.000
day on YouTube. So check that
out for sure, So Ashley Burgess dot

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00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:14.880
com or check out check our information
out on YouTube. And then meantime,

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00:40:14.920 --> 00:40:16.039
we have a great show Fright coming
out for you next week, whether you're

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00:40:16.039 --> 00:40:20.760
listening on the radio or you're listening
later on in the podcast version. I

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00:40:20.800 --> 00:40:23.320
hope that you have a wonderful day
and please share this one of your family,

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00:40:23.360 --> 00:40:27.039
your friends that need to hear this
message, and you know, and

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00:40:27.079 --> 00:40:29.920
if you need to hear this much
as maybe listening to this multiple times when

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00:40:29.920 --> 00:40:32.840
you're working out or at work or
something to just really get this information in

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00:40:32.880 --> 00:40:37.079
your head and also to feel better
to understand that you're doing everything you can

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00:40:37.199 --> 00:40:40.239
to change the situation in the right
way and in the right time. Stay

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00:40:40.239 --> 00:40:44.840
tuned, looking forward to next week
Live your True Life Perspectives with me,

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00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:47.440
your host, Ashley Burgess, will
be back in I'll be back this time,

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00:40:47.639 --> 00:40:50.559
you know it. I'll be like
this time in three shap