Nov. 6, 2024

Real Love or Trauma Bond? The 7 Stages of a Trauma Bond. [Ep.777]

Real Love or Trauma Bond? The 7 Stages of a Trauma Bond. [Ep.777]

On today’s show, we will dive into the concept of trauma bonds, exploring what they are and how to understand them. We’ll break down the seven stages of trauma bonding and learn how to distinguish a trauma bond from real love. Additionally, we’ll...

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Apple Podcasts podcast player iconSpotify podcast player iconRSS Feed podcast player icon

On today’s show, we will dive into the concept of trauma bonds, exploring what they are and how to understand them. We’ll break down the seven stages of trauma bonding and learn how to distinguish a trauma bond from real love. Additionally, we’ll examine why some individuals are more vulnerable to forming trauma bonds than others. Many people are unaware of the extreme emotional pain that comes with ending a trauma bond relationship. Understanding this dynamic is essential to protect yourself and avoid extreme heartache.

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WEBVTT

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You're in a good place now. You are listening to

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Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back live to look at your life Perspectives and

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I'm your host, Ashley Burgess.

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On today's show, we will be exploring.

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Trauma bonds, what trauma bonds are, how to understand a

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trauma bond, the seven stages of a trauma bond, and

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ultimately how to see the difference between a trauma bond

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and true love because if you don't know what you're

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dealing with, you are more susceptible to being hurt, and

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so we definitely want to get this information out. We

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want everybody to understand what a trauma bond is and

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also who may be more susceptible to a trauma bond,

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because certain people are more susceptible than others, and so

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that's going to be interesting as well to explore in

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today's podcast. You know, I find it interesting with trauma

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bonds is a lot of people don't realize the pain

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and suffering when you break up with somebody when you

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were actually in a trauma bond experience, how much more

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painful it is to break up with them because of

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that process, how much more it is to like go

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of those feelings because the feelings are based on trauma,

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not on love. And so there's a lot of things

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going on, but it's mimicking something or we're wanting to

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act like it's something else when it just isn't. And so,

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you know, let's talk about first off, you know, a

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trauma bond relationship. You know, there's many stages of a

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trauma bonding relationship, and it starts a certain way so

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that it appears to be real love. It appears to

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be true love. And the reason why it appears that

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way is because of the love bombing. And the love

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bombing in the beginning of the relationship is very intense

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and it creates this really quick whirlwind romance that people

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fall prey into you not realizing that indeed, this is

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not true love, this is something totally different.

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And so there's a.

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Lot of excessive flattery and praise, a lot of butt kissing,

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that sort of thing that happens in the beginning of

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these relationships. That is the trauma bonding. As far as

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the love bombing is concerned, and seeing the beginning, it's

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really about manipulation, even though the other person doesn't realize

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it it They are being manipulated. They are being manipulated

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control by this love bombing process because the other person

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feels like they are being taken care of. Everything's great,

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life is good. This is the most awesome romance, you know.

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It just goes on and on and on, and so

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the other person believes that this is real. It doesn't

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understand that this is part of the manipulation process that

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is underway in the beginning of this relationship to get

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the other person to trust them, to get the other

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person to believe in them, and to get the other

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person to tell them the truth about things that they

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wouldn't otherwise, revealing things to the other person that will

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eventually come back to haunt them because that other person

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that is love bombing them is going to use these

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things against them in the intention of power playing them

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and using that later on to hurt the same person

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that they're love bombing. So the love bombing is really

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what I would consider actual abuse. We can sit there

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and call it anything else we want, but I think

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it's manipulative, controlling abuse by someone else in an effort

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to control somebody in the very end. And that is

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the concept from A to B they want to control them.

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So what happens here is they start praying on that

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person's emotions, the victims emotions, the deep hopes, the desires,

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the dreams. Tell me about your dreams, tell me what

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you want in life, you know, talking about someone's deep desires.

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It's similar to somebody you know, you know, basically saying

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that they can give you the moon, they can give

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you everything, and you start feeling as though this person

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really does care about you. They're listening, they're they're they're

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they're taking, you know, notes of things. There seem to

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be responsive, they think, they seem to really want to

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hear your opinions and thoughts, and this, in the process

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gets the other person to let down their guard and

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start trusting the other person.

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And this is when it begins.

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So what's happening here is because of the law bombing,

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there's fostering of positive feelings and validation and this is

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all kind of happening and the victim doesn't even know it.

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And in the process, you know, the abuser is.

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You know, showing that they have all these good intentions,

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they're such a good person, and they're proving that they're

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going to be there for them, Look, I'm doing all

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this for you, and I'm taking I'm doing this for you,

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or I'm putting my life on the back burner for

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you or whatever, and it's it's all set in very

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nice and loving and romantic ways, when in reality it

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has nothing to do with it. So the love bombing

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is intense, it's fast, it's like a whirlwind romance. And

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then you're like, wow, I found the love of my life,

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but you haven't. And as that happens, over maybe several

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weeks or even a few months, you start to reveal

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more about yourself, telling them you know things that you've

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never told anybody, and that leads to dependency and trust.

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Right because you start trusting this person, you start being

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dependent on them, and that becomes an interesting problem all

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in itself because now you've gotten even more and more

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dependent because they have been around you, they want to

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spend all this time with you. You've probably cut off

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some friends and family as well, trying to spend more

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time with this person thinking that that's exactly what you

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need to do. And what's interesting about it is in

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the process of trust independency, they're going to start guilting

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you for things as well, and maybe putting some doubt

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in your mind or making you know, you even doubt yourself.

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And the interesting part too, is that they claim that

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they've done all these things for you. So they start

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telling you all the things that they've done to make

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you better, all the things that they've done to change

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your life, all the things that they've done, And where

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would you be without them?

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Where would you be if they weren't there? Where would

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you be?

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And so then you start wondering, you start questioning that,

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you know, you start thanking them, You start feeling guilty

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for all the things that I guess they've done. You

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start feeling guilty, thinking you need to give more and

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more of yourself and an effort to make things better.

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And this starts this cycle pattern of you giving and

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giving and giving and them giving less and less and less.

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And you know, it's gone from love bombing to crumbs,

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where now they're giving you a lot less than they

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ever have been, and you know you're kind of eating

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it up, hoping you get the full cookie, but you

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got a chrumb.

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But it was a taste of that cookie. You know,

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you got to taste it.

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You're like, oh, you know, there's gotta be more and

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subconsciously you're not realizing what they're doing, so they're just

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giving you a little bit enticing you. And then they're

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gonna turn around. They're gonna make you question yourself and

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in the process they're also going to criticize you. So

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once they've gained your trust and dependency, now they turn

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it around. Right now they turn it around, the love

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bombing begins to slow down.

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You're no longer getting love bombing.

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You're getting more crumbs, and there becomes intense arguments and disagreements,

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right and they're gonna blame you and target you.

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Where you end up, you.

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Know, feeling bad, feeling sad, feeling guilty, you know, over explaining, apologizing.

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You know they're gonna harshly criticize you, and you're gonna say,

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you feel bad about it, I'm sorry, what can I

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do to make it up? And it's interesting because you

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start losing more and more of your power, more and

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more of your energy, more and more of yourself, more

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and more of your identity. And then this process it

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becomes a big deal. So we have a problem here.

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So we start losing their identity and this starts to

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become a real problem. Nobody wants to lose their identity.

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But when we're being love bombed in the beginning, we

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get got in that whirlwind romance, and then the person

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we thought that loved us all this amount, like I

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can't believe I'm in a relationship that that's this good,

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that this person really cares this much about me and

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feels this way about me, and you believe that, and

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you tell yourself that.

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Over and over and over and over again.

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And then they start criticizing you and making you feel

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bad about yourself. I mean, all that stuff, and all

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of this is manipulation and effort to make you feel

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bad and an effort to keep you. And because a

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lot of this is all based on narcissism and other

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things as well. Narciss knows that they're not better than you.

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They know that eventually you're going to find them out,

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that eventually you're going to come to your senses and

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fear this out.

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But over the meantime, they're.

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Hoping to basically break you down so that you feel

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like you need them, that you have to have them,

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and without them, you're nobody. The next stage is of criticism,

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which I think the criticism part in and of itself

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is obviously manipulation, but also there's gas lighting as well.

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And these are two forms of psychological views, right that

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we see in narcissistic relationships, as well as the trauma

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bonds that fester from these narcissistic relationships. And that is

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interesting dynamic because you know, the gas lighting is behavior

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used by many narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths, anti social behavior,

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everything you know under that umbrella. It's used quite a

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bit because it's quite effective because it makes the other

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person question their reality. It makes the other person believe

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that maybe there is nothing wrong with them, and they

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do need help, and they are the bad person, and

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they do need to repent, and they do need to

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feel guilty, and they do need to feel upset, and

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they are bad people and that's what they're trying to

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get to. And this is another problem of itself, and

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this is another problem that we have to deal with

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because then the gas lighting undermines you. You begin to

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feel guilty, sad and ashamed and all that stuff, and

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then you start feeling like you don't really remember the

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way things happen. Maybe I don't remember the way things happen.

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Maybe I did forget that. Maybe I am a little

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off base. Maybe I have maybe been drinking too much

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or taking too much melatonin, or or you know, I

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don't know. You know, maybe my add is getting in

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the way and I'm not being able to remember things.

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I mean.

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And that's that's challenging, because that turns it back on you.

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So now you're being manipulated, you're being controlled, and now

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you're turning your anger onto yourself. There's something wrong with me.

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Look at what a horrible person. I can't even remember

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this date or time or what happened. And so you

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go through that process and you turn it on yourself.

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You get angry with yourself, You beat yourself up, you

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feel isolated, you feel overwhelmed, and then it's like you

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don't want to deal with the arguments and pain anymore.

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So you just try to avoid the argument. You just

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try to be quiet, You try not to say something.

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You try to keep quiet and don't say anything in

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an effort to not start an argument.

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You just go along with it. Well, what am I

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gonna do. I'm just gonna shut up.

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I'm gonna act like nothing's wrong, and I'm gonna go

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along with it. And in that process, you're basically giving

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up and you're resigning to the fact that you're ever

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gonna have any autonomy, and so you just go along

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with it in an effort to keep the peace. And

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so it's interesting because you're basically people pleasing and you're

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bargaining and what we call fawning to try to make

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the relationships stable because this other person is very volatile

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and the other person could act out in any way.

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And and that's the problem too, is that you're trying

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to keep the peace and you're resigning and keeping the peace,

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but the other person can literally, you know, flip their

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top at any time, you know. But in the process, Oh,

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I just want to have a calm night tonight. Oh

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let's just relax night. But last night, you know, you

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were up all night long arguing and fighting because the

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person was projecting on you all their faults and all

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their problems and saying that you're the reason for all

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their pain and suffering in their life. And so that's

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when people start really losing their identity, is because they

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keep taking this over and over and over again without

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without like you know, standing up for themselves because of

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their fear if I stand up for myself. What will

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happen next? If I stand up for myself? What will

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go down next? And that is the ultimate problem is

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that that's where That's where I fear the situation is

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that as we lose ourselves more and more, that's the

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huge problem, because we find ourselves in this abuse of relationship,

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being taken advantage, of being manipulated in all the while

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not being able to protect ourselves and feeling as though

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we have to stay in this relationship even though it

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is actually at our detriment. I'll be talking more about

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that when we return more people that are also more

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susceptible to trauma bonds, and also the rest we talking

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about the trauma von cycle because we want to make

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sure that we can safeguard ourselves. Because if you're in

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a current trauma bond, you need to know it right now,

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identify it right now, and begin to safeguard yourself from

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this situation so that you can move on safely. Stay

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tuned libor True Life Perspectives with me, your host, Ashley

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Burgers will be back.

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In I'll be back this time. You know it.

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I'll be back this time into Shapes.

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Turn it up and jump in the deep End on perspectives.

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Now here's Ashley.

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Welcome back live to leave your True life perspectives, and

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I am your host, Ashley Burgess. On today's show, I've

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been talking about trauma bonds, the cycle of trauma bonds

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and how to be aware of it because it's so important.

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And the people that are also more susceptible to a

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trauma bond will talk about that here in a bit.

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But a lot of.

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Times we confused, right, love and trauma bonds, and that's

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what makes it so hard to get over one of

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these relationships because we actually think that it was love

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when in fact, it was a trauma bond that got

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us into the situation.

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It wasn't real love.

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There was love bombing involved, and we believed that we

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were having true love, which we were not dealing with

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at all. And so one of the other cycles, as

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we were talking about earlier, is we were talking about

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the giving up, right about giving up and feeling as though, Okay,

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this is all I can do, It's all I can

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do for myself. I'm gonna have to deal with this abuse.

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I'm gonna have to resign to this because I don't

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want to have the fight. I don't want to have

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the argument. I don't want to deal with it. And

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that's one of the biggest parts of the trauma bond.

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That's one of the biggest parts of it, because you

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start losing yourself and giving up and not speaking up

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and not telling your truth and not telling your truth

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and not going there. And that's so challenging because all

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of a sudden, you're now listening to this person argue

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with you, project upon you, gaslight, you manipulate you all

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the ways they can, and you don't say anything because

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you don't want to stand up, because you don't want

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to have another fight. Because these people know how to fight.

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They thrive off fighting. They thrive off making you feel bad.

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You know, as long as they can make you feel bad,

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then they're winning. As long as they can puts you down,

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then it's your fault. As long as they can convince

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you that indeed, this is your problem, your fault, you're

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the situation, you're the issue, then they don't have to

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deal with themselves. They can continue on in their status

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quo and continue to stay on what they're doing, and

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that in and of itself is very challenging, and so

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in that process, you begin to lose yourself, hoping that

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there's no argument or fight. You normally isolate yourself out

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of fear, and that person usually begins to ask you questions,

304
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confronts you make you feel bad. Where have you been,

305
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what are you doing? Where have you been for the

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last hour? But those same people do not tell you

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what they're doing. They have no intention of telling you

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what they're doing. They just want to make sure that

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they have control of you at all times. And in

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the process, you begin to lose yourself. Maybe you start

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working from home. Now, you leave the office because you

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get too many questions so you don't want to deal

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with it, you know. Perhaps you start coming home early

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and not taking care of your responsibilities and an effort

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to get them to be calm and quiet, and then

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they keep.

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Wanting more and more and more and more.

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Until they've literally taken you away from your life, your family,

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your friends in an effort to control you. And this

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is part of the love bombing is they want to

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have you all to themselves so that they can abuse

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you by themselves. They don't want anybody helping you at all.

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They want you to be isolated, They want you to

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be alone, they want you to feel bad about yourself.

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They want all that because it makes them more powerful,

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it makes them happier people.

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And that alone is.

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A serious problem. And that's when you realize this person

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doesn't care about you. They just want you as their supply.

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They want to use you, take advantage of you, hurt you,

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and in the process leave you a shell of an individual.

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And the problem is that this site cool is it's

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a cycle pattern. It's cyclic cool and so you know,

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they'll be a huge conflict, then there'll be a cool down,

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then they'll be like a honeymoon period again. And sometimes

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the honeymoon period could last for a month, sometimes a week,

337
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sometimes a day, you know, and the cycle continues and

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continues and continues, and you know, it's it's it's it's wild.

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How you know.

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The abuser is, you know, is a victimizing the other person.

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And usually what they do with the victim is they

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make fun of them, you know, say that they're using

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the victim reality, you know, try to provoke them. You know, oh,

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you're just acting like the victim there, I mean, just

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you know, and it's it's it's really painful to watch

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and I see this a lot in my work. And

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the sad part is is that you know, the person

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that's actually being victimized doesn't really realize it to a

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certain degree, but they are being They are a victim

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of the situation, They are being abused, and we need

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to see the treats. So we'll be talking more about

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this when I return Live Your True Life Perspectives with

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your host me Ashley Burgis, will be back in I'll

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be back this time.

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You know it.

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I'll be back this time in two shakes.

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This is Jake Busey and you're listening to Perspectives with

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Ashley Burg's.

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Welcome back live to Live Your True Life Perspectives and

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I'm your host Ashley Burgess. On today's show, we're talking

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about trauma bonds. What are trauma bonds? What's the cycle

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of a trauma bond? What does it all mean? And

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how to know the difference between love and a trauma bond.

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The problem is many of us don't know the difference,

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and so we're in a relationship with somebody that's creating

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a trauma. We've had it created a trauma bond, and

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we actually interpret it as something much different, which becomes

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a serious problem. And this is all very interesting because

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it happens more often than you know, people developed trauma

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bonds with other people based on this love bombing and

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this manipulation that seems to be loving, seems to be appropriate, and.

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It's just not.

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You know.

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One of the things that I find very interesting about

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trauma bonds because you know, not I don't think that

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everybody can fall prey to a trauma bond. I think

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some people more than others, you know, And I find

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that it happens because of you know, certain you know,

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certain situations like the fear of being alone.

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The fear of being alone.

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Can make somebody very susceptible to a trauma bond because

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they don't want to be alone. It's pretty self explanatory.

383
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So when somebody's being really nice and kind to them,

384
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you know, in the beginning, they see it as true love.

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They open up their heart and soul and tell the

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other person everything, and then the other person can use that

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later on to mess with them, abuse them, manipulate them,

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gas like them, and then they start feeling bad and

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all those.

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Things in a shame and guilt.

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And you know, if you have you know, more of

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a dependent, maybe a codependent personality. That will be a

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tendency of you know, because you're wanting to be with somebody,

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you're already wanting it. You're already wanting to be with

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that person no matter what, and so it's hard for

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you to overlook the problems that are in that relationship.

397
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You know, also, a lot of us put a lot

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of value.

399
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On the good times. We think about the good times,

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not the bad times. We think about the good times.

401
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And so if we're always thinking about the good times,

402
00:21:33.839 --> 00:21:36.680
we're always wanting those good times or looking back at

403
00:21:36.720 --> 00:21:39.640
the good times, we're going to be very susceptible to

404
00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:43.559
a situation of a trauma bond because we don't see

405
00:21:43.599 --> 00:21:49.400
the culmination, the accumulation, the we don't see all that

406
00:21:49.519 --> 00:21:51.839
time together. We try to just look at the good

407
00:21:51.920 --> 00:21:56.000
times instead of looking at all the bad times, and

408
00:21:56.359 --> 00:21:58.920
a trauma bond. There are more bad times and good

409
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I'm gonna set that for the record. You know, anybody

410
00:22:03.400 --> 00:22:08.400
with a history of toxic relationships or you know, toxic

411
00:22:08.400 --> 00:22:12.319
abuse of childhood is going to be more a victim

412
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of the situation because of the past relationship toxicity, because

413
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of what has they have gone through, because of their

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00:22:18.960 --> 00:22:22.680
experiences because their assumptions on probably all relationships are somewhat

415
00:22:22.680 --> 00:22:26.119
toxic and abuse. Abuse makes you more willing to go

416
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along with things because you don't want to be alone,

417
00:22:28.680 --> 00:22:31.000
more willing to go along with something where there is

418
00:22:31.039 --> 00:22:34.240
no boundaries, more willing to have that type of situation.

419
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And that's that's that's definitely something to think about, you know.

420
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The other side to the coin is someone that has

421
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more of an avoidance type style attachment style, because they're

422
00:22:48.240 --> 00:22:54.640
going to avoid the fight. They're going to avoid they're

423
00:22:54.839 --> 00:22:56.279
not going to bring up the elephant in the room

424
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because they don't want to have an argument. They want

425
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to avoid arguments or all costs. They don't want to

426
00:23:01.319 --> 00:23:04.440
have conflict. If you're one of those people and you

427
00:23:04.480 --> 00:23:07.119
don't want to have conflict, that's a problem with these

428
00:23:07.160 --> 00:23:09.759
types of folks that are bringing the love bombing and

429
00:23:09.799 --> 00:23:13.000
the manipulation, because that's how they bully you is to

430
00:23:13.039 --> 00:23:14.920
make you go, oh God, if I bring that up,

431
00:23:14.960 --> 00:23:17.160
it's going to be pain and suffering. I don't want

432
00:23:17.160 --> 00:23:18.680
to bring that up. I don't want to bring that up.

433
00:23:18.720 --> 00:23:20.640
I'm just going to act like it doesn't bother me.

434
00:23:20.680 --> 00:23:22.160
I'm gonna put my head in the sand because I

435
00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:27.759
have to out of self preservation. These are important things

436
00:23:27.799 --> 00:23:32.039
to think about, you know, if you question yourself a lot,

437
00:23:32.079 --> 00:23:33.839
that's something you know a lot of times we might

438
00:23:33.920 --> 00:23:36.920
question ourselves. We wonder if we're in the right We're

439
00:23:36.920 --> 00:23:39.839
wondering if we're thinking clearly? Am I in the right space?

440
00:23:39.920 --> 00:23:41.920
Am I in the right frame of mind? Is this

441
00:23:42.079 --> 00:23:42.640
right to think?

442
00:23:42.680 --> 00:23:43.240
This? Is this?

443
00:23:43.640 --> 00:23:46.160
Am I doing right? Am I being selfish? Am I

444
00:23:46.279 --> 00:23:49.720
being wrong? Should I not be thinking this? All these

445
00:23:49.839 --> 00:23:56.640
questions and concerns. And that's tough because you will turn

446
00:23:56.680 --> 00:23:59.519
around to blame yourself for these situations when it's not

447
00:23:59.640 --> 00:24:02.720
your blame or problem, but you will blame yourself because

448
00:24:02.720 --> 00:24:05.039
that's just who you are. You have a tendency of

449
00:24:05.119 --> 00:24:09.119
blaming yourself in these situations and that becomes a fundamental problem.

450
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:12.079
So that's something to really think about as well. And

451
00:24:12.119 --> 00:24:15.559
so if you're able to blame yourself, you're perfect for

452
00:24:15.720 --> 00:24:18.519
this person that's manipulating you because they want you to

453
00:24:18.559 --> 00:24:21.599
blame yourself. They don't want to take any responsibility or blame.

454
00:24:21.720 --> 00:24:22.119
Period.

455
00:24:23.480 --> 00:24:26.680
If you've had any type of BPD, a lot of

456
00:24:26.680 --> 00:24:31.039
times folks with borderline personality disorder can be you know,

457
00:24:31.119 --> 00:24:33.559
the one that's on the receiving end of this trauma bond.

458
00:24:33.640 --> 00:24:36.680
It could also be foot flopped a lot of times. However, though,

459
00:24:38.279 --> 00:24:40.960
you know, there's got to be some some signs and

460
00:24:41.000 --> 00:24:44.880
symptoms of BPD, some signs and symptoms of MPD, largely

461
00:24:44.920 --> 00:24:48.200
with narcissism. There's a lot of narcissistic traits as well

462
00:24:49.160 --> 00:24:53.720
that's involved in the trauma bond creation too, you know.

463
00:24:53.799 --> 00:24:56.599
And if you're very sensitive to rejection or you know,

464
00:24:56.839 --> 00:25:00.559
or being alone again, that fear being alone alone, that

465
00:25:00.640 --> 00:25:03.480
fear of being rejected, you know, thinking about that rejection.

466
00:25:03.559 --> 00:25:05.480
So that really gets to a lot of people, is

467
00:25:05.519 --> 00:25:08.519
that rejection piece. I don't want to be rejected. I

468
00:25:08.599 --> 00:25:10.799
want them to accept me. And I've been rejected in

469
00:25:10.839 --> 00:25:13.279
the past. I've had this rejection situation in the past,

470
00:25:13.279 --> 00:25:14.880
and I don't want to go through that again. And

471
00:25:14.880 --> 00:25:16.640
in the process of not wanting to go through that,

472
00:25:17.000 --> 00:25:18.920
I will go through pain and suffering and as an

473
00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:21.680
aspect to not go through it. And that's that's really

474
00:25:21.720 --> 00:25:24.400
what makes somebody very susceptible to it. Is you know,

475
00:25:24.519 --> 00:25:26.160
I was working with a client the other day, and

476
00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:29.279
you know, they've had they've had a lot of rejection,

477
00:25:30.599 --> 00:25:32.880
you know, growing up. You know, if I have some

478
00:25:32.960 --> 00:25:35.400
clients who lost their mom, lost their dad early age,

479
00:25:35.400 --> 00:25:37.000
and then had a lot of rejection from the other

480
00:25:37.039 --> 00:25:39.799
parent that was still alive, and you know, trying to

481
00:25:39.839 --> 00:25:42.319
fit in, trying to get a relationship, trying to help themselves.

482
00:25:42.359 --> 00:25:45.960
And that's a problem that's really really problematic. And in

483
00:25:46.000 --> 00:25:48.400
that process, they allow a lot of people in their

484
00:25:48.440 --> 00:25:50.759
life that maybe they shouldn't allow. They allow people to

485
00:25:50.799 --> 00:25:52.640
do things in their life that they shouldn't do. They

486
00:25:52.680 --> 00:25:56.400
allow people to have no they have no boundaries, you know,

487
00:25:56.480 --> 00:25:58.839
and they have no boundaries because they want to keep

488
00:25:58.839 --> 00:26:01.400
that person around. The problem is the person that is

489
00:26:01.440 --> 00:26:06.079
creating this, that's really manipulating and gas lighting and doing

490
00:26:06.119 --> 00:26:08.559
this to this other person. They don't have boundaries. They

491
00:26:08.680 --> 00:26:10.720
never have boundaries, and they sure the hell don't want

492
00:26:10.759 --> 00:26:12.880
you to have boundaries, because if you have boundaries, then

493
00:26:12.920 --> 00:26:16.279
what If you have boundaries, then what then what do

494
00:26:16.319 --> 00:26:19.119
you do? If you have boundaries, then they have to

495
00:26:19.240 --> 00:26:22.799
actually like, they can't get away with the manipulation. They

496
00:26:22.799 --> 00:26:25.559
can't get away with some of this stuff. And that's

497
00:26:25.559 --> 00:26:29.000
what I'm talking about, is that's when it really hits

498
00:26:29.000 --> 00:26:32.240
the fan. That's when you really got to look at

499
00:26:32.279 --> 00:26:37.240
things and analyze the situation because the boundaries, having your

500
00:26:37.319 --> 00:26:40.559
own secure boundaries is so important to be able to

501
00:26:40.599 --> 00:26:44.279
watch because with a trauma bond, you know, you might

502
00:26:44.319 --> 00:26:46.279
not know what's happening, but you can catch on to

503
00:26:46.440 --> 00:26:48.920
things like, wow, this was really weird, or what they

504
00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:50.880
did to me that day, or how they said that

505
00:26:51.119 --> 00:26:53.039
the or the or what they put me through or

506
00:26:53.079 --> 00:26:55.160
what they said to me or whatever is.

507
00:26:55.160 --> 00:26:56.119
Like really really painful.

508
00:26:58.079 --> 00:27:01.279
And if you're not really thinking about it and you're

509
00:27:01.319 --> 00:27:04.359
not being aware of it, you kind of let it happen.

510
00:27:04.640 --> 00:27:07.279
But if you have no boundaries, you keep losing more

511
00:27:07.279 --> 00:27:09.680
and more of yourself. So if you have no boundaries,

512
00:27:09.880 --> 00:27:12.319
we keep losing more and more of our identity. We

513
00:27:12.400 --> 00:27:15.519
keep losing more and more of ourselves the more we do.

514
00:27:15.599 --> 00:27:18.279
And so it's like, the boundaries is the way that

515
00:27:18.319 --> 00:27:21.680
we prevent that from happening. We prevent the situation from

516
00:27:21.720 --> 00:27:25.359
taking place, We prevent all of that from going on.

517
00:27:25.480 --> 00:27:32.680
And that's really key is preventing that and having those boundaries,

518
00:27:32.720 --> 00:27:35.640
the boundaries of how you'll be treated, the arguments and

519
00:27:35.720 --> 00:27:37.880
how long you'll deal with an argument and when you'll

520
00:27:37.960 --> 00:27:40.000
leave the room, and when you decide you're going to bed,

521
00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:42.000
and when you're not gonna deal with anymore, you're just

522
00:27:42.119 --> 00:27:45.559
not gonna deal with it anymore. And that's definitely something

523
00:27:45.599 --> 00:27:49.200
important to think about too. So all these things are

524
00:27:49.279 --> 00:27:51.880
very interesting and the fact that we have to implement

525
00:27:51.960 --> 00:27:55.079
our own rules and regulations within this relationship to safeguard

526
00:27:55.160 --> 00:27:58.359
ourselves in the situation, to safeguard ourselves and to be

527
00:27:58.440 --> 00:28:01.079
able to overcome these situations and to be able to

528
00:28:01.119 --> 00:28:03.000
see it. But if we don't have boundaries, and we

529
00:28:03.039 --> 00:28:05.319
get really a mess with the other person and we

530
00:28:05.400 --> 00:28:07.680
get really codependent in having them in our lives, we

531
00:28:07.720 --> 00:28:11.839
allow this other stuff to happen. We allow this negativity,

532
00:28:11.920 --> 00:28:15.359
we allow this power play, We allow the pain and

533
00:28:15.400 --> 00:28:19.680
suffering to take place, all the while losing our identity.

534
00:28:19.200 --> 00:28:20.680
More and more and more.

535
00:28:20.720 --> 00:28:23.480
And that becomes a definite problem and a definite issue

536
00:28:23.480 --> 00:28:25.839
in something that we have to really look at. You know,

537
00:28:26.240 --> 00:28:28.799
the thing about the trauma bond that's so painful is

538
00:28:28.839 --> 00:28:31.440
that when you're trying to walk away from a trauma bond,

539
00:28:31.920 --> 00:28:36.279
you are really connected because of that trauma and the trauma.

540
00:28:36.359 --> 00:28:39.119
It seems that negativity and trauma really connect with us

541
00:28:39.240 --> 00:28:41.920
more than other things, because you know, the negative is

542
00:28:41.960 --> 00:28:44.240
so much easier to believe than the positive. You know,

543
00:28:44.319 --> 00:28:46.440
somebody can tell you you're a horrible person, You're going

544
00:28:46.519 --> 00:28:48.720
to believe that quicker than if somebody really tries to

545
00:28:48.720 --> 00:28:50.720
build you up, especially if you've been hearing it over

546
00:28:50.759 --> 00:28:53.240
and over again. It goes into memory and it goes

547
00:28:53.279 --> 00:28:56.839
into some sort of acknowledged reality. And that's where I

548
00:28:56.880 --> 00:29:01.079
think that trauma bond is so challenging with people, is

549
00:29:01.119 --> 00:29:03.920
the pain and suffering that it puts them through, and

550
00:29:03.960 --> 00:29:07.079
also just the sadness of this whole entire experience because

551
00:29:07.119 --> 00:29:11.480
it's not a positive experience. It's literally a deabilitating experience.

552
00:29:12.599 --> 00:29:16.039
And it's a cycle pattern, right. So there's many people

553
00:29:16.079 --> 00:29:22.640
that use this this type of strategy, you know, to

554
00:29:22.680 --> 00:29:25.839
get somebody connected to them. They use this strategy to

555
00:29:27.519 --> 00:29:30.319
you know, encompass somebody to mess with them, to get

556
00:29:30.400 --> 00:29:33.039
that person to believe that they can they're nothing without

557
00:29:33.079 --> 00:29:35.160
that person, and that's what they really want. They want

558
00:29:35.200 --> 00:29:37.880
you to believe that there's no way out that you know,

559
00:29:37.920 --> 00:29:39.920
if it's not for them, you know, you're going to

560
00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:42.240
be alone and sad and all that stuff. So it's

561
00:29:42.279 --> 00:29:46.720
something to really think about as well. And ultimately though,

562
00:29:47.440 --> 00:29:50.200
if you are to walk away from this, like really

563
00:29:50.240 --> 00:29:52.200
looking at the pain and suffering that you've been through,

564
00:29:52.319 --> 00:29:55.599
start writing down all the things that happen, you know,

565
00:29:55.680 --> 00:29:58.200
start writing down, you know, all the long term fights.

566
00:29:58.240 --> 00:30:02.200
Start writing down you know it's somebody you know, was screaming, yelling,

567
00:30:02.359 --> 00:30:07.319
the arguments, the verbal arguments, the manipulation, you know, how

568
00:30:07.400 --> 00:30:09.039
what they did, the things that they.

569
00:30:08.920 --> 00:30:10.200
Said, the stuff that they did.

570
00:30:10.640 --> 00:30:12.680
And start writing this down instead of just looking at

571
00:30:12.720 --> 00:30:15.000
it as a full body of a relationship or a

572
00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:16.960
full body of work, taking it piece by piece and

573
00:30:17.000 --> 00:30:17.960
seeing the.

574
00:30:17.920 --> 00:30:18.960
Reality behind it.

575
00:30:19.000 --> 00:30:22.519
And this can be very hard to do, very awakening,

576
00:30:22.599 --> 00:30:26.480
but yet you know, somewhat satisfying in order to see

577
00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:30.920
the difference between the types of relationships. You know, also too,

578
00:30:31.599 --> 00:30:34.039
I find that you know, you know, when you look

579
00:30:34.079 --> 00:30:40.359
at the nature of the situation, many people who are

580
00:30:40.559 --> 00:30:46.559
in a trauma bond based relationships, it's almost like when

581
00:30:46.599 --> 00:30:51.359
they feel like they want to leave, they may feel

582
00:30:51.720 --> 00:30:54.640
like physically and emotionally distressed. So when they feel like

583
00:30:54.680 --> 00:30:56.279
they want to leave, when they want to get out

584
00:30:56.279 --> 00:30:59.160
of it, even though they know they need to they

585
00:30:59.200 --> 00:31:05.160
might get exact and fear. You know, even when they

586
00:31:05.279 --> 00:31:10.720
say that they want to leave, you know, they still

587
00:31:10.759 --> 00:31:15.359
don't do it. You know, you hear people, and I

588
00:31:15.440 --> 00:31:17.039
know that many of you might have friends or you

589
00:31:17.119 --> 00:31:19.240
might be in a situation where your friends are telling

590
00:31:19.319 --> 00:31:21.359
you to get out of that relationship and you keep saying, yes,

591
00:31:21.359 --> 00:31:22.880
I'm gonna get out of it, and they're like when when

592
00:31:22.920 --> 00:31:24.240
when you're like, oh, I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna

593
00:31:24.240 --> 00:31:25.960
get out of my promise, I'm gonna move on, and

594
00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:29.319
you don't because you're in such fear and a bit

595
00:31:29.319 --> 00:31:32.799
of denial. Because I know that many of my clients

596
00:31:32.839 --> 00:31:34.359
when they first start with me, they go, but they

597
00:31:34.400 --> 00:31:35.200
were good times.

598
00:31:35.240 --> 00:31:37.440
But the good times. But man, the good times were

599
00:31:37.480 --> 00:31:37.960
so good.

600
00:31:38.279 --> 00:31:40.200
They had such a great sense of humor or such

601
00:31:40.240 --> 00:31:43.960
a great personality. And that's one of the big things,

602
00:31:44.039 --> 00:31:47.000
is being able to realize when you're fixating on all

603
00:31:47.240 --> 00:31:51.799
the good times, that is a defense mechanism designed to

604
00:31:51.839 --> 00:31:53.559
make it where you're not seeing the pain and suffering

605
00:31:53.559 --> 00:31:57.920
that you're actually going through. And that clearly is something

606
00:31:57.960 --> 00:32:01.759
that keeps many people in for a long time. You know,

607
00:32:01.880 --> 00:32:05.960
making the excuses and defending their behavior based on something

608
00:32:05.960 --> 00:32:08.200
you've done, so that you know, the trauma bonding only

609
00:32:08.240 --> 00:32:12.400
works really well too. Is nobody's perfect. So you've done something,

610
00:32:12.559 --> 00:32:14.799
you know, maybe you've made some mistakes, for sure, we

611
00:32:14.880 --> 00:32:17.640
all do, and then they harp on those mistakes, and

612
00:32:17.680 --> 00:32:20.920
then you know, grandy ose those mistakes. So what I'm

613
00:32:20.960 --> 00:32:23.920
saying is like, you know, you did something, and then

614
00:32:24.160 --> 00:32:25.960
they sit there and harp on it, talk about you.

615
00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:27.720
But you did this, you did this, you did this,

616
00:32:27.920 --> 00:32:30.440
and that made me do this, and that made me

617
00:32:30.480 --> 00:32:32.680
do that, and you did this to me, and it's

618
00:32:32.720 --> 00:32:37.240
all based on one thing or a smaller thing, and

619
00:32:37.279 --> 00:32:40.119
then that's blown out of proportion, so there's still you're

620
00:32:40.160 --> 00:32:42.359
feeling guilt, and then you're feeling bad, so you keep

621
00:32:42.359 --> 00:32:44.920
giving me more even though they're telling you that basically

622
00:32:44.960 --> 00:32:47.400
the whole reason why the world blew up is because

623
00:32:47.440 --> 00:32:51.720
of what you did. And so you're constantly making excuses

624
00:32:51.720 --> 00:32:55.599
for them. You're unhappy, and you probably don't even like

625
00:32:55.680 --> 00:32:57.599
the other person at this part. You probably don't even

626
00:32:57.680 --> 00:33:00.599
like them. You probably don't even like being in the

627
00:33:00.680 --> 00:33:04.119
room with them. You probably don't even like to associate

628
00:33:04.119 --> 00:33:05.680
with them. You probably don't even want to eat with them.

629
00:33:05.680 --> 00:33:07.160
You probably don't want to do anything with them. You

630
00:33:07.240 --> 00:33:10.640
just are so tired of them that you're just like there,

631
00:33:10.680 --> 00:33:13.799
but you don't want to be in the room with them.

632
00:33:13.960 --> 00:33:14.920
You just don't want to do it.

633
00:33:16.480 --> 00:33:18.839
The other thing, too, is that you're constantly making up

634
00:33:18.920 --> 00:33:23.240
lies for them and things go, you know, water uner

635
00:33:23.279 --> 00:33:25.279
the bridge, and things are happening, and you're keeping all

636
00:33:25.319 --> 00:33:27.440
these secrets, and you know, they might be yelling and

637
00:33:27.480 --> 00:33:29.440
screaming all the time, but you're not telling their friends

638
00:33:29.559 --> 00:33:32.279
or family about it, trying to make them look good.

639
00:33:32.400 --> 00:33:35.200
Maybe there's been some situations and circumstances that have been

640
00:33:35.279 --> 00:33:39.640
less than good that you're keeping from other people. It's

641
00:33:39.680 --> 00:33:43.720
almost very like protective behavior, like alcoholic, you know, dealing

642
00:33:43.720 --> 00:33:47.000
with an alcoholic and you know, codependency with the alcoholic,

643
00:33:47.200 --> 00:33:49.519
hiding how much they're drinking, you know, you know, not

644
00:33:49.640 --> 00:33:51.920
telling the family or other people about it, trying to

645
00:33:52.000 --> 00:33:56.319
hide their behavior. And again, some of these behaviors, whether

646
00:33:56.359 --> 00:33:59.960
it's the pill popping, the alcohol, the drugs, the combination

647
00:34:00.240 --> 00:34:04.680
thereof the starving to death of all these things, all

648
00:34:04.720 --> 00:34:08.960
these things add up, you know, to creating more of

649
00:34:08.960 --> 00:34:12.360
a habit, creating more of the trauma bond and having

650
00:34:12.400 --> 00:34:16.360
them to be even worse versions of them, which also

651
00:34:16.480 --> 00:34:18.679
is another problem too. So it's like, you know, one

652
00:34:18.679 --> 00:34:20.199
of the things that I realized that in a trauma

653
00:34:20.199 --> 00:34:21.960
bond you got to start cleaning up your side of

654
00:34:22.000 --> 00:34:24.280
the street. And that might be hard because the other

655
00:34:24.280 --> 00:34:26.280
person might not want to do that, But in order

656
00:34:26.360 --> 00:34:28.719
to try to keep some sort of understanding and to

657
00:34:28.760 --> 00:34:31.599
see things a little more clearly, you know, the elimination

658
00:34:31.719 --> 00:34:36.079
of alcohol and drugs is necessary to have some sort

659
00:34:36.079 --> 00:34:38.880
of clear view, and many people can't do that because

660
00:34:38.880 --> 00:34:42.199
they're using alcohol or drugs to you know, try to

661
00:34:44.639 --> 00:34:47.320
you know, deal with their pain and suffering and you know,

662
00:34:47.320 --> 00:34:49.679
trying to numb themselves. And so that's another thing too.

663
00:34:49.719 --> 00:34:51.360
So if you're in a trauma bond, like looking at

664
00:34:51.400 --> 00:34:55.000
your alcohol and druggies, are you overly smoking putt? Are

665
00:34:55.039 --> 00:34:58.239
you drinking to excess? You know, are you doing cocaine?

666
00:34:58.320 --> 00:35:00.920
Are you doing pills? Are you take making you know

667
00:35:01.599 --> 00:35:04.519
various you know kinds of pills that are also causing

668
00:35:04.559 --> 00:35:06.280
different reactions. So you need to look at that as

669
00:35:06.280 --> 00:35:08.400
well as the other person in the relationship. What kind

670
00:35:08.440 --> 00:35:11.679
of you know of drugs, alcohol, other things that they

671
00:35:11.719 --> 00:35:14.519
are doing too, because this is also leading to more

672
00:35:14.519 --> 00:35:16.880
of a problem, but it's also leading to less clarity

673
00:35:16.960 --> 00:35:19.440
for you to see the truth. Stay tuned more to

674
00:35:19.480 --> 00:35:22.159
come about trauma bonds. Live Your True Life Perspectives with

675
00:35:22.199 --> 00:35:24.199
your host Media Astley Burgers will be back in I'll

676
00:35:24.199 --> 00:35:31.960
be back this time in two shakes.

677
00:35:37.440 --> 00:35:41.559
Get in here. You're listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

678
00:35:44.119 --> 00:35:46.199
Welcome back Live to Live Your True Life Perspectives and

679
00:35:46.199 --> 00:35:49.119
I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On today's show've been talking

680
00:35:49.119 --> 00:35:52.119
about trauma bonds, what they are, how to see the cycle,

681
00:35:52.199 --> 00:35:55.199
what the cycle is, who are more prone to fall

682
00:35:55.280 --> 00:35:58.320
trap into the trauma bonds? And now let's talk about

683
00:35:58.360 --> 00:36:00.760
how do we break this trauma bond on because this

684
00:36:00.880 --> 00:36:06.239
is a very challenging situation to be in emotionally, mentally, physically,

685
00:36:06.480 --> 00:36:08.400
all the above. And so one of the things that

686
00:36:08.440 --> 00:36:11.159
I ask clients to do, especially when they're in the

687
00:36:11.159 --> 00:36:13.159
middle of this and they don't really recognize it, is

688
00:36:13.199 --> 00:36:15.199
to keep a journal on a daily basis of what's

689
00:36:15.239 --> 00:36:15.880
really happening.

690
00:36:17.039 --> 00:36:17.840
Keep a journal on.

691
00:36:17.800 --> 00:36:20.400
A daily basis what's happening, because you might not even

692
00:36:20.480 --> 00:36:23.079
realize what's going on in the process of not realizing

693
00:36:23.119 --> 00:36:25.519
you have no idea the level of abuse that you're in.

694
00:36:27.119 --> 00:36:29.840
Keep a journal about the outcomes of things. Keep a

695
00:36:29.880 --> 00:36:32.199
journal on what happened the day before, the day before,

696
00:36:32.280 --> 00:36:33.480
how you feel, how are.

697
00:36:33.400 --> 00:36:37.719
You feeling, what's going on with you? What are your thoughts?

698
00:36:38.440 --> 00:36:42.920
And you know, you know, it's just these are the

699
00:36:42.920 --> 00:36:44.480
things that I want us to really kind of think

700
00:36:44.519 --> 00:36:47.360
about and analyze because we can if you keep a

701
00:36:47.440 --> 00:36:49.920
journal and you're like, how did I feel, how did

702
00:36:49.960 --> 00:36:53.559
the day go, what happened, what was the outcome?

703
00:36:53.920 --> 00:36:54.880
What was the situation.

704
00:36:56.800 --> 00:37:01.719
Also, I want you to really look at not isolating yourself.

705
00:37:01.760 --> 00:37:04.880
There's a tendency of isolating ourselves when we're in trauma bonds,

706
00:37:05.280 --> 00:37:08.440
and that is definitely part of the plan because the

707
00:37:08.480 --> 00:37:11.960
person that's you know, aiding and abetting, manipulating and controlling

708
00:37:12.039 --> 00:37:14.559
is wanting that because they don't want outside influence on you.

709
00:37:14.960 --> 00:37:18.239
They want to be your controller. They want to control.

710
00:37:17.880 --> 00:37:21.599
You like a puppet. They don't want other people controlling you.

711
00:37:21.760 --> 00:37:26.880
They want to control you on their own. The other

712
00:37:26.920 --> 00:37:28.719
thing that I want you to be aware of is

713
00:37:28.920 --> 00:37:33.320
you know, blaming yourself, you know, blaming yourself like I

714
00:37:33.320 --> 00:37:35.039
had a client the other day was talking about it,

715
00:37:35.039 --> 00:37:36.679
and they said, well, you know, she went out and

716
00:37:37.440 --> 00:37:39.679
she ended up getting you know, meeting somebody else, and

717
00:37:39.719 --> 00:37:41.719
you know, had relations with them while we were in

718
00:37:41.760 --> 00:37:42.400
the relationship.

719
00:37:42.440 --> 00:37:44.239
And I think it was based on the fact.

720
00:37:43.960 --> 00:37:46.800
That you know, I I blew her off one day

721
00:37:46.840 --> 00:37:49.159
for you know, to see her because I was, you know,

722
00:37:49.199 --> 00:37:52.079
spending time with my family what have you. And it's like, well, okay,

723
00:37:52.400 --> 00:37:55.840
but now you're rationalizing saying because you didn't make one call,

724
00:37:55.960 --> 00:37:58.519
because you didn't ask her out that day, that it's

725
00:37:58.559 --> 00:38:01.320
okay that she went and did this. And so the

726
00:38:01.400 --> 00:38:04.559
thing is is that we start rationalizing things that they do.

727
00:38:04.639 --> 00:38:10.199
We start rationalizing behavior, We start rationalizing it, especially when

728
00:38:10.199 --> 00:38:12.840
they're turning around and creating projection. You know, so they

729
00:38:12.880 --> 00:38:15.960
start a huge fight and then the next day they say, oh,

730
00:38:16.000 --> 00:38:17.880
we all need to calm down, you know, we need

731
00:38:17.920 --> 00:38:20.480
to relax, You need to calm down. And the fact

732
00:38:20.519 --> 00:38:22.840
that they haven't been part of this whole situation, which

733
00:38:22.920 --> 00:38:27.119
doesn't make any sense. Also, looking at that self blame,

734
00:38:27.159 --> 00:38:30.480
how much are you blaming yourself for the situation. The

735
00:38:30.519 --> 00:38:33.559
more you're blaming yourself, the more there's probably a trauma

736
00:38:33.559 --> 00:38:36.079
bone when you're over there blaming yourself, worried. Oh my gosh,

737
00:38:36.079 --> 00:38:37.840
I had everything to do with this, Oh my gosh,

738
00:38:37.840 --> 00:38:40.679
this is my responsibility. Oh my gosh, I feel lonely.

739
00:38:41.320 --> 00:38:43.280
What am I going to do with life without them? Oh?

740
00:38:43.320 --> 00:38:45.320
But what about the good times? And that's one of

741
00:38:45.360 --> 00:38:47.199
the big deals is what about the good times? Is

742
00:38:47.239 --> 00:38:50.320
really watching out how often you're thinking about the good times,

743
00:38:50.760 --> 00:38:52.480
because many of us look at the good times. You're

744
00:38:52.480 --> 00:38:54.320
not looking at the crumbs, you're not looking at the

745
00:38:54.320 --> 00:38:57.480
pain and suffering. You're looking at just the good times.

746
00:38:57.519 --> 00:39:00.960
And that is a problem. Is that will keep you

747
00:39:01.079 --> 00:39:03.880
in a bad relationship, that will keep you in a

748
00:39:03.920 --> 00:39:08.199
toxic relationship, that will keep you in these trauma bonds.

749
00:39:08.280 --> 00:39:10.639
And as we know, in a trauma bond, we will

750
00:39:10.679 --> 00:39:15.599
lose more and more of our identity. The last, but

751
00:39:15.639 --> 00:39:17.519
not least comment that I want to make is that

752
00:39:17.679 --> 00:39:20.320
is that the difference between love and a trauma bond

753
00:39:21.079 --> 00:39:24.480
is that you lose yourself in it. And that's just

754
00:39:24.559 --> 00:39:26.519
something that we're not supposed to do. We're not supposed

755
00:39:26.519 --> 00:39:30.920
to lose our identity. We're not supposed to lose ourselves.

756
00:39:30.960 --> 00:39:32.960
We're not supposed to be like, oh my god, I'm

757
00:39:33.239 --> 00:39:37.480
a you know, Michelle, a person, and it's just that's

758
00:39:37.519 --> 00:39:41.360
just not what's supposed to happen. And so if you're

759
00:39:41.400 --> 00:39:45.039
losing yourself and you're self criticizing and your self blaming,

760
00:39:45.320 --> 00:39:49.400
and you're feeling lost and you're feeling lonely and you're

761
00:39:49.400 --> 00:39:52.280
feeling overwhelmed, and you're thinking about only the good times,

762
00:39:52.320 --> 00:39:54.760
and then you're blaming yourself for everything that happened, I mean,

763
00:39:54.800 --> 00:39:57.519
we really got to look at this. We really got

764
00:39:57.519 --> 00:40:00.159
to look at why we're blaming ourselves. We really got

765
00:40:00.280 --> 00:40:04.480
to look at that, because that's not that's not healthy.

766
00:40:04.599 --> 00:40:08.679
Everybody has some sort of blame. But a lot of

767
00:40:08.719 --> 00:40:11.639
times too, we're blaming ourselves. We have emotional dependence on

768
00:40:11.639 --> 00:40:15.320
this personnel. We're emotionally dependent on them, and so we

769
00:40:15.400 --> 00:40:18.559
allow these things to happen, even though we're not happy

770
00:40:18.599 --> 00:40:18.880
with it.

771
00:40:18.920 --> 00:40:20.320
We don't want to fight. We don't want to.

772
00:40:20.559 --> 00:40:23.039
We don't want to, you know, we we just we

773
00:40:23.079 --> 00:40:24.800
don't want to rock the boat. But yet, you know,

774
00:40:24.840 --> 00:40:28.360
we keep just agreeing, you know, resigning to it, agreeing

775
00:40:28.400 --> 00:40:31.679
to the situation in order to keep that person around,

776
00:40:31.760 --> 00:40:34.599
even if they're bringing lots of pain and suffering into

777
00:40:34.599 --> 00:40:35.199
our life.

778
00:40:35.800 --> 00:40:37.440
I hope that this podcast has helped you.

779
00:40:37.480 --> 00:40:39.719
Please share with any family or friends that are going

780
00:40:39.800 --> 00:40:42.239
through this experience and maybe don't know that they're in

781
00:40:42.280 --> 00:40:45.559
a trauma bond. Also check out the website Ashley Burges

782
00:40:45.599 --> 00:40:47.519
dot com A S H L E Y B E

783
00:40:47.639 --> 00:40:50.679
r G E S dot com. Go go and check

784
00:40:50.679 --> 00:40:52.800
out our new coaching and our new website. We have

785
00:40:52.880 --> 00:40:56.280
a new, new, improved version of the website. UH as

786
00:40:56.280 --> 00:40:59.280
well as three coaches, coaches and therapists are working with

787
00:40:59.320 --> 00:41:02.400
me and we will be putting out more content. You

788
00:41:02.440 --> 00:41:05.960
can also schedule a session right online with them or

789
00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:10.079
myself and begin working on whatever it is that you

790
00:41:10.159 --> 00:41:12.440
need to work on to better your life, to make

791
00:41:12.480 --> 00:41:16.039
your life better and more successful. In the meantime, more

792
00:41:16.079 --> 00:41:19.119
shows coming up. Check out the website. Also, don't hesitate

793
00:41:19.199 --> 00:41:22.719
to look at the new video content on YouTube and

794
00:41:22.880 --> 00:41:25.559
just go to life Coach Ashley Burgess and you can

795
00:41:25.599 --> 00:41:27.599
search it up on YouTube and you can find new

796
00:41:27.679 --> 00:41:31.960
video content every single week. Stay tuned and in the meantime,

797
00:41:31.960 --> 00:41:33.639
don't forget to live your true life, but live your

798
00:41:33.639 --> 00:41:35.719
true life perspectives with your host me Asley.

799
00:41:35.719 --> 00:41:38.360
Burgers will be back in I'll be back this time.

800
00:41:38.480 --> 00:41:39.000
You know it.

801
00:41:39.239 --> 00:41:43.639
I'll be back this time in three shakes,