Navigating the Hot and Cold Relationship: Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster [Ep.766]

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You're in a good place now.
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back live to look at your
life perspectives and I'm your host Ashley

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Burgess. On today's show, I
want to talk about the hot and cold

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relationship. When you're in a hot
and cold relationship and up and down,

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a yo yo type relationship, how
it impacts you in your day to day

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life. And it really affects you
when you find yourself as being more of

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a constant. So if you're more
of a constant in your day to day

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life, you're more of a constant
in your relationship, your life, your

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career, and even in this relationship, you find yourself more as a constant

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and you're not wavering back and forth. This experience can be very jarring,

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the concept of having this hot and
cold relationship, this person that's on or

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off, or off or on,
and they can change and augment almost every

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single day, some every single hour, every single week. It just depends

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on what level that they are up
and down. And when you're going through

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a relationship like that can be really
overwhelming because you don't understand what's gonna happen

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next, You don't understand what they're
gonna do next, and you don't understand

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what the next situation is, and
so you're constantly wondering what is next.

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And in that process of wondering what
is next, you're questioning the next outcome,

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what will happen, what will we
do? What will they do?

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How will they act? How will
they act tomorrow? How will they act

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today? And so we're constantly in
that place of unknowing, and it's not

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a really good place. It's a
very unhappy, scary, fearful place that

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you find yourself and then you don't
know what's going to happen next. And

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so we as humans like to have
some sort of consistency, and we have

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to realize that consistency is key to
a lot of things in our life.

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We can't always have a constant and
we definitely don't have control of everything,

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and control is an illusion, but
when we're dealing with someone that you never

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know what they're going to do next, this can be very overwhelming and stress

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full to anybody's lifestyle, in anybody's
life, and so this definitely has an

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impact on everybody and the impact that
it has is very real, and so

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we have to accept that we have
to look at that reality, we have

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to look at the impact that it
has on our day to day basis,

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and we want to try to figure
those types of things out because that's going

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to give us knowledge, it's going
to give us power, and we're also

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going to recognize how much energy we're
giving to all this stuff, how much

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energy we're giving to this relationship,
how much energy we're giving to the situation,

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and how much this energy is taking
away from other things that we need

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to do. Because whatever energy we're
giving them, we're not giving to other

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things. Whatever energy and direction that
we're giving this relationship, we're not giving

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to anybody else. And that time
and energy is valuable and is important.

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So we want to take that into
consideration. And so, first off,

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the first thing that I want to
bring up is really thinking about the inability

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to focus. When we don't have
the ability to focus on our day to

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day, it can be very challenging. When we don't have the ability to

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focus on our day to day,
it can be really super challenging. And

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so if you have a lot of
things going on at work, you have

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a very stressful job, a stressful
career, and other things going on,

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that can make us feel a little
out of it, especially when we have

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someone that is happy one moment,
sad the next, happy with us one

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moment, angry with us, upset
with us, and then we become their

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best friend again. All these things
can be very trying and stressful, especially

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to your psyche emotionally, mentally,
and spiritually. You know, the one

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thing that I find interesting is that
you really can't focus to get other things

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done. You can't focus to get
things done, you can't focus to get

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your responsibilities done. You find yourself
kind of behind the eight ball because you're

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constantly bobbing and weaving to get things
done that should come second nature, but

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because your brain is somewhere else,
because you're focusing on this, you're trying

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to hyper focus, You're trying to
really look into the situation, question the

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situation, try to get as much
information as possibly can, a lot of

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times being the PI in this situation. This is where we have to really

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focus and really realize how much energy
is dissipating in this situation. How much

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energy is dissipating in this situation that
we could be using for other things,

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other things that we could be doing. You know, life goals, things

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that we want to accomplish. All
these things are very important to us.

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So we need to start opening our
mind to the fact that if we're in

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this type of relationship is taking a
lot of mind share, and we're having

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to focus so much of our energy
on how this person's going to act,

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how this person's going to respond,
what they're going to do next, How

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are you going to respond, how
are you going to limit the amount of

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possibilities of an argument, how are
you going to overcome the possibilities of an

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argument? And what are you going
to do next? And I find that

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it's almost like a chess g But
the problem is is that the chess game

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never stops. The problem is is
that the chess game continues. So you're

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constantly playing a game of chess.
You're constantly trying to see what's next.

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You're constantly trying to be one step
ahead. But a lot of these relationships

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you're not. You are literally several
steps behind because you're not able to profile

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them at such a level that you
know what they're gonna do next. You

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might have an idea, but one
time you're right, one time you're wrong.

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The moment that you think that they're
gonna be in a bad mood,

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they're super happy with you. The
moment you walk in the house and you

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think everything's gonna be great and they're
gonna be super happy with you is when

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they're super mad at you. And
the list goes on. And I know

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that many of you might have had
this growing up in childhood. You might

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have dealt with this with your mom
or your dad, or a family member

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where you didn't know what was gonna
happen. And that's challenging. And if

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you grew up with that as a
family member, having a family member like

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that, especially mom or dad,
you got used to it. Now that

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can turn you off for people like
this in the future, or it can

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make you more prevalent to be able
to be in a relationship like this because

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you're used to it. You're used
to it. We're also worried a lot

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of times about what the other person's
going to do. We also because a

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lot of times the same person has
these emotions, right, they have emotions,

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They have issues. As far as
you know they tell us about.

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You know, their issues are personal
problems. We know about it, and

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we feel sorry for them. We
feel sorry for them for a way,

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we feel like we can help them, we can take care of them,

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all of this stuff we think we
can do, which is possible but not

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always probable. And that's always an
issue as well, because we think we

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can do all this stuff, but
we can't. And that's where the rubber

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meets the road. That's where there's
a problematic situation, is that we trick

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ourselves into not only putting ourselves on
the back burner, you know, we

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put ourselves on the black burner because
that person seems to have more issues than

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we do, that person has a
lot more going on than we do.

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We start feeling sorry for that person. We might feel like we're actually responsible.

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We might feel responsible for that person. And that's also a situation as

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well, because if we feel responsible
for that person, we start taking on

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their issues. We start finding or
giving them reasons for having their issues.

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We start, you know, giving
them a pass, you know, for

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their anger and violence and mood swings. And when we start giving passes all

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the time, that's when we have
a problem. We start giving passes out,

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that's when it seems like it starts
magnifying, it starts happening more.

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It becomes a common day place,
it becomes a common situation. And because

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something that we get used to and
they get used to us allowing them to

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it. And that's where that's where
the slippery slope is. That's where we

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have the problem. That's where the
problems really super begin. And that's what

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we want to zero in on because
we want to make sure that we're not

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giving passes. But many of us
start doing this, we don't even realize

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we're doing it. You know,
there's many examples. You know, I've

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got clients that say, oh,
you know, they they tell me that

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they're just upset because they don't want
to stay at home. They want to

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work, but they haven't. But
the interesting thing is a lot of folks

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come up with reasons for why they're
upset, but they don't do anything to

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change it. For example, I
want to work, but they refuse to

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apply for jobs, They refuse to
even get a resume together, they refuse

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to even go out and look for
a job. I mean, if you

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want to work, that's great,
but you got to do something to get

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there. You got to do something
to make that happen. You can't just

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say blanketly, I want to go
to work, but you don't want to

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do anything. You put in no
time, no effort, no dedication to

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any sort of anything, and you're
claiming that as the reason why you're upset.

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You know, these people say,
oh, I want to go back

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to school, but they're not applying
to any school, they're not putting their

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application in any school, they're not
planning on doing that, and they're at

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home all the time, hanging out
doing what they're doing. But then when

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it comes to why are you angry, well, I just want to be

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in school. I just want to
go back to school. This is what's

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ruining my entire life. Well,
okay, but again, not taking responsibility

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for your actions, not taking responsibility
for your mood changes, and also in

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that process blaming something else for the
process, blaming other people, but also

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not following through with any action.
And that's one very interesting aspect of the

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hot and cold relationship is that I
find that one thing is that there's not

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a lot of responsibility taken. So
if you're dealing with someone that has like

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this yo yo, this response where
it's up one minute, down one minute,

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hating on you, loving on you, hating on you, loving on

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you, hating on you, loving
on you one that can be very very

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problematic. It can cause a lot
of emotional whiplash. But also these people

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have these internal issues, the non
taking responsibility for their actions, not following

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through, finding other people to blame
for their situations, you know, blaming

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other people for their situations, blaming
other people for their problems. And this

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is very interesting because I see it
happen all the time, you know.

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And so what happens is they start
blaming you for their problems even though they're

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not doing anything to change the problems. And then you begin to super focus

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on them and their problems, and
then you start seeing yourself is part of

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the problem. Like if it wasn't
for me, maybe they could have done

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this. If it wasn't for that, maybe they could have done this.

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But we don't really look at what
they are not doing. You know,

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what are they not doing? And
that's easier to see than what they're doing,

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because what they're doing usually is being
told to you what they're doing.

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It's not being shown, not shown, so it's not shown to you.

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It's not being shown. It's just
being told to you. I'm doing this,

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I'm doing that. But what are
they not doing? And looking at

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that and realizing that the responsibility factor
to take responsibility for their life they are

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not doing. And a lot of
times, if you look at these types

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of behaviors, you realize that they
are actually putting their life. They're they're

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handing you, You're they're actually baking
makes you, basically making you. They're

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you know you you're actually bearing them
as a cross. You know they're they're

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you're cross to bear, and they're
making it very clear to you that that's

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the case through their actions, through
their attitudes. But the thing is is

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that if you have fear, or
you're wanting to hold the relationship together,

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or you feel like this relationship we
can work through it, or maybe you've

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had several, you know, failed
relationships where you worry and you don't want

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this to be another failed relationships.
A lot of times we can we go

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through that. If you're if you
feel like you're in love with this person

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and you have deep feelings for this
person, if there's a sexual chemical attraction

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that you have to this person that
seems overwhelming, that's very addictive. That

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could also be a reason why you
stay in this situation as well. And

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so as we walk through today's talk, we're going to be figuring out the

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impact that it has on us,
and then how we can really understand the

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situation, and then asking yourself the
questions too, because sometimes when we're in

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these relationships, we can be the
constant, but other times we can also

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be going up and down. We
might not be consistent, and that's something

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that we have to look at too, is that if we're also aiding and

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a betting in this hot and cold
environment, we have to be willing to

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see that and honestly understand that before
we can move on. Because if we

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walk into another relationship waffling and acting
like this, that relationship will not survive.

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And so we want to definitely create
and be in relationships that are solid,

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that are insistent, and also where
you are dealing honestly with your feelings

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and taking responsibility for those and taking
responsibility for those is key. And so

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stay tuned. I'll be talking more
about the impact it has the things that

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we find that kind of fall by
the wayside, because a lot of times

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we're not recognizing everything that's falling by
the waystside. We're in the middle of

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it. It's hard to see because
we're so close to everything and being so

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close to everything, we lose perspective
of how much time it's taking, how

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much effort we're putting into it,
and how much we're focusing on this particular

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person instead of our life, our
career, our successes, our children,

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whatever. So stay tuned live your
true life Perspectives with me. Your host

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Ashley Burgess will be back in.
I'll be back this time into shakes,

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turn it up and jump in the
deep end on perspectives. Now here's Ashley.

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Welcome back live to Libatry Life Perspectives
and I'm your host Ashley Burgess.

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On today's show, I'm talking about
the up and down relationship. You're in

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a relationship with someone that in one
moment thinks you're great and another moment thinks

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you're horrible. What do you do
in that situation? And do you understand

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the impact that that amount of energy
and thought and worry have on your day

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to day life. I think a
lot of times we don't really realize the

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impact of that. We just don't
know about it because we're not really paying

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attention to how it's impacting our career, our family and every other thing that

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we need to be focusing on.
Instead we're so much into it, we're

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so close to it that we can't
step back and see it for what it

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is. And I know that some
of you might say, hey, I

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see it for what it is,
Ashley. You know, honestly, I've

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tried to get out of it multiple
times. I see how it affects me.

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I'm overwhelmed. I do have actual
feelings for this person, you know.

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You know, whether the section or
the chemistry is also something that's important,

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and it's hard to let that go. And I know that I understand

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that, and you might have genuine
feelings. You actually may really love this

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person, but the problem is is
that that love is being used against you

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on a constant basis. And so
you know, whether it's them going back

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and forth and finding fault and hating
on you, also being worried about what

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they're going to do next. Many
of you that I've worked with or like,

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I just don't even know what's going
to happen. And I'm very good

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at understanding what's going to happen next. But I don't want to have to

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walk somebody through on a daily basis
and their fear of what's going to happen.

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I'll do it for sure, But
again it's like, you know,

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you're having to have somebody there that's
there that knows it twenty four to seven

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to get through and to walk through
it. And that's good to have,

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but eventually something has to change.
Eventually that person has to get a hold

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of their emotions, get a hold
of their feelings, start, you know,

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being able to work on themselves and
seeing the ups and down, seeing

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the yo yo, seeing those feelings
and going through that process. You know,

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a lot of you say, Hey, actually, I just don't know

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what's next. I'm worried. I
want to try to hold the relationship together,

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but I'm worried on what's going to
happen. You know, you know,

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I caught them texting somebody, or
I caught them sexing somebody, or

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they've been very angry or they've been
violent, and I don't know what's going

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to happen. And this is very
scary because you really just don't know what's

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happening. And in that situation,
you do feel concerned. In that situation,

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you do have a lot of questions. In that situation, you wonder

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and it makes you question what's going
to happen next. And then you're worried

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about what happens when I come home, what happens when this happens, what's

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going to be the impact of this? And these are points of concern I

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think a lot of times too,
if you're the one that's constant, or

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you know, if they're constant zero
percent of the time, you're constant fifty

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to eighty percent of the time,
even one hundred percent of the time.

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You can't really be constant hundred percent
of the time, but you can be

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constant a lot because the more constant
you are inconsistent, the more they look

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really inconsistent, the more they're all
over the map. And that's something we

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need to be aware of, is
that if you're in a relationship like that,

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the more consistent you are, the
more odd this relationship is going to

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feel, and the more jarring this
is going to be. And I do

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need you to recognize too, though, if you have had a family member

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or a friend that has these types
of personality traits, you know, and

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then you find yourself in a relationship
or romantic relationship with these personality traits,

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these are the things that you really
need to start being aware of and get

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some clarity on because it becomes commonplace
and we don't really realize that. We

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also we begin to lose ourselves in
the process. So the problem is we

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lose ourselves in the process, we
lose our identities. So when we're trying

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to hold this relationship together, a
lot of times we don't know we have

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no boundaries because we're worried that they're
going to leave us if we have boundaries.

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We're worried that they're not going to
be there for us if we have

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boundaries. And that's a problem,
okay, and then we don't want to,

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you know, do anything. Is
we don't want to rock the boat.

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We don't want them to leave out
of fear, we don't want to

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lose them. So in the fear
of losing them, you know, in

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the fear of losing them, we
actually lose ourselves. And that's where I

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feel like a lot of y'all are
at right now, is that, oh,

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hey, I'm here, and now
I feel like I've lost myself.

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I've lost my identity. I don't
know what's next. And that's what's so

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important, is that, Okay,
how much longer are we going to go

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down this path? How much longer
are we going to experience this. How

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much longer are we going to lose
ourselves in this relationship? How much longer

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are we going to put all our
time and effort into this relationship and really

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let go of the rest of our
life. So stay tuned. I have

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a lot more coming up. Don't
miss this, don't change the channel,

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00:18:45.359 --> 00:18:49.200
check out the website when you get
a chance, Ashleyburgess dot com and live

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your true life perspectives with me.
Your host, Atsley Burgess will be back

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in you know it. I'll be
back this time in two shakes. This

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is Jake Busey and you're listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Welcome back live

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to look at your life Perspectives,
and I'm your host, Ashley Burgess on

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today's show. I'm talking about that
relationship where one minute they love you and

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the next minute they hate you,
and you don't know what's going to happen

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next, and it's been going on
for a long period of time, and

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it's been taking up a lot of
your mind share. You're worried about it,

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you're stressed out about it, and
you don't know what to do next.

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And this is very challenging. Many
of you are in these types of

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relationships, you've been in these types
of relationships before. It's a psychle pattern.

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Some of you have just been in
this relationship for a very long time,

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and some of you are just recently
and becoming a relationship like this.

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Some of you might have just now
exited a relationship like this. Well,

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wherever you are, you understand what
I'm talking about. When you don't know

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how that person is going to see
you one moment to the next. And

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like I was talking about right before, with a break, what happens here

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is that we begin to lose ourselves
in these relationships out of fear that they're

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going to leave us, you know, out of fear of them getting mad.

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You know, that's a big one
of them getting mad and then taking

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it out on you. A fear
of them blaming you because they don't take

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responsibility for their actions, they don't
take responsibility for their choices. They want

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everybody else to be responsible for what
they're doing and not themselves. This all

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goes a long way, you know, this all goes a long way.

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So it's all focusing on this and
recognizing this and realizing this in the process,

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and so we all have to go
through this. We all recognize this

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because this is a big part and
a big journey of our situation to recognize

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and realize what we're actually dealing with, and this is super important for us

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to move forward. We become very
stressed out, and I really as we

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become very triggered in this situation.
We can become very triggered because it happens

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and then we get very emotional.
Some of you might get angry, some

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of you might withdraw, some of
you might get very emotional, and all

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these things begin to happen based on
these situations, and this is important for

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us to understand. This is important
for us to grasp and to figure out

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because once we realize we're in this
situation, you begin to realize that you're

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taking this on. It's costing you
a lot, a lot of mental and

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emotional anguish. You also realize that
it's taking you off target from other things

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because you cannot at all focus on
something of this magnitude and turn around and

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be able to focus on other things
too. It just doesn't happen. There's

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only so much mind share we have, there's only so much emotional and mental

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stability we have, and there's only
so much time we have in a day.

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And I know that many of you
say, well, I want to

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try to keep this relationship together because
I've failed relationships in the past and I

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don't want another failed relationship. And
I understand that, but it all costs,

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and I think we have to really
step back and analyze is this a

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relationship that is worth saving? Is
this person getting the help that they need?

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Okay, so one of the biggest
things is, you know, you

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know, is this relationship you know, worth saving? Because that's a big

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question, that's a big one.
Is it worth saving? You know?

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I mean, because and that's some
questions you got to really ask. You

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got to ask yourself that because that's
some deep, deep, deep thinking.

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I mean, you have to get
past the fact that you might find this

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person attractive, or that you have
good sex or whatever, or the love

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bombing was great in the beginning or
whatever. You got to get past that.

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Or maybe y'all have a great communication
but the rest of it falls apart

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as far as y'all can make each
other laugh and stuff. But you have

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to really think is this relationship worth
saving? You know? Is this person,

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this other person doing the work,
doing and the personal work they need

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to do to basically understand themselves and
to work on their issues. So are

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they seeing somebody, are they working
with somebody? Are they dealing with the

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real issues? Are they really discussing
the big things? Are they really trying

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to get down to the bottom of
what they need to get to the bottom

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of. Are they working to be
better than they were yesterday? Are they

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really focusing on the things that they
need to do? And these are all

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big questions that we have to look
at. These are all things that you

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have to analyze to decide if they
are or not. Because if they're not

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and they're not working on themselves,
how long are you going to stay in

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this How long are you gonna continue
to go down this path and not find

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what you're looking for? Okay,
Because if we're accepting this type of reality

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and we're accepting somebody that's not working
on themselves, not changing, not getting

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better, what do we have?
And that's a big question. What do

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we have? That's something that we
have to ask ourselves. If somebody's not

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willing to make the change, they're
not willing to do the work, what

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do we have? And that's something
that we have to ask ourselves. I

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mean, we have to ask ourselves
that question too, because we have to

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do the personal work for ourselves.
We have to do the work on ourselves.

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We can't expect other people to do
it. We can't expect other people

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to jump in, We can't expect
any of that. We have to do

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the work and they have to do
the work. And that's what's important,

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and that's what's imperative. And so
we want to make sure if we're in

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this relationship, we want to make
sure you know, we are we feeling

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good about saving this relationship? Is
this relationship worth saving? You know?

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Besides that person that they do in
the personal work? Am I doing the

358
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personal work? Are we all doing
the personal work and we all moving forward

359
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in this relationship or we're all doing
what we can to move forward honestly in

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this relationship and make it something that
is worth preserving. I also think too,

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is like being stressed out. Many
of you out there are telling me,

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you know, I'm stressed out beyond
believe. I can't focus, I

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can't focus, I can't get this
done, i can't get this done.

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I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm completely stressed
out. And these are the things that

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we have to be aware of because
this relation is goodship is going to hurt

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us because eventually this is going to
wear and tear, wear and tear on

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us very much so, because it
is that's just the nature of it is

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to wear and tear on us.
The nature of it is to you know,

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break us down over time, emotionally, bake us down. And so

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we have to be aware of this. We also need to ask ourselves why

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do we want to keep it together
no matter what? So if there are

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a lot of problems in this relationship, what is the reason why I want

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to keep it together? Why am
I doing this at all costs to myself?

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And why do I feel like this
relationship is that is what I deserve?

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I mean, because that is one
of the big questions too. Why

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do you feel like you deserve this
type of personality in your life? And

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I really want you to ask yourself
that question. You know, why do

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I deserve the ups and downs?
You know? Why do I deserve someone

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that's upset with me and angry at
me all the time? Why do I

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deserve that? And you really have
to ask yourself this question because I think

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it's part of you know, we
enter into relationships based on what we think

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we deserve, what do we deserve, And that in and of itself is

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very super important is to understand do
I deserve this type of behavior? If

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not, why am I in it? If I don't deserve this, then

385
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I don't need this, and I'm
being a constant in this relationship. Then

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why am I allowing myself to be
in this relationship? Why am I allowing

387
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myself to go in and out of
this relationship? And why am I allowing

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this type of behavior around me?
Why am I allowing this behavior toward me?

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So that's another one too, Why
am I allowing this this behavior to

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be directed toward me? And that's
something that I want you to ask the

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question. That's something I want you
to think about. And now I want

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to jump into something real quick because
one thing that I found is that when

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we get into these relationships where someone's
up and down, hot and cold,

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you know, changing consistent, changing, not consistently, but always changing,

395
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a lot of times, that can
begin to rub off, That can begin

396
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to rub off, and you don't
even realize it because you start doing the

397
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same thing they're doing because you're around
it so much. And that is something

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that we have to really be aware
of and discover to be able to be

399
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honest in our life, because if
that's starting to rub off, we're starting

400
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to become like them. If we
start to become like them, we are

401
00:27:49.920 --> 00:27:53.720
not being a constant. If we're
not being a constant, we're not being

402
00:27:53.839 --> 00:28:00.240
consistent with ourselves or not being consistent
with them. The more inconsistent we're being,

403
00:28:00.359 --> 00:28:03.839
the more yo yoing they become,
the more emotional, and you know

404
00:28:04.200 --> 00:28:10.039
that we become maybe the more angry
they become because they're not able to process

405
00:28:10.079 --> 00:28:14.559
emotion, or the more angry or
the more fearful we become, the more

406
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passive aggressive they get. So you
have to be aware of what you're bringing

407
00:28:18.279 --> 00:28:22.839
into the situation and what you're creating
as well. And this is a very

408
00:28:22.880 --> 00:28:26.319
important aspect of everything. This is
something that we have to really look at.

409
00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:29.440
This is something that we want to
understand, and this is something that

410
00:28:29.480 --> 00:28:33.599
we need to really be aware of
and to put a magnifying glass on to

411
00:28:33.759 --> 00:28:37.559
understand because it starts to rub off. I've seen people that have gotten out

412
00:28:37.559 --> 00:28:41.039
of these types of relationships and they
have become kind of like that, or

413
00:28:41.119 --> 00:28:44.400
they're in the relationship and they start, you know, on again, off

414
00:28:44.440 --> 00:28:48.640
again, on again, off again, because they've been so trained to be

415
00:28:48.799 --> 00:28:51.119
like this. It would be like
training anything. It would be like if

416
00:28:51.279 --> 00:28:55.599
if a friend of yours, you
know, constantly thought that you were lying

417
00:28:55.640 --> 00:28:59.920
to them and you had to constantly
explain yourself and you were over explaining content,

418
00:29:00.680 --> 00:29:02.960
and then you know, one day
they were talking about someone else.

419
00:29:03.000 --> 00:29:06.200
You don't even catch it, but
you automatically think that they're wanting you to

420
00:29:06.240 --> 00:29:11.279
over explain yourself again. You're going
to fall into that category of being trained,

421
00:29:11.559 --> 00:29:21.319
trained into this because of exposure,
the exposure of it, the commonplace

422
00:29:21.400 --> 00:29:26.640
of it, all these things.
But the amount of exposure directly affects how

423
00:29:26.680 --> 00:29:30.039
often this rubs off and how quickly
this rubs off on other people. So,

424
00:29:30.680 --> 00:29:34.440
you know, catching yourself being hot
and cold, catching yourself making these

425
00:29:34.480 --> 00:29:40.119
types of choices or emotional changes,
these are very important aspects that we need

426
00:29:40.160 --> 00:29:41.720
to look at. Okay, so
I want you to really analyze that.

427
00:29:42.039 --> 00:29:48.119
Are you starting to be hot and
cold? Because it's normal. I mean,

428
00:29:48.160 --> 00:29:51.319
this isn't a judgment, this is
just the normal. I mean when

429
00:29:51.319 --> 00:29:55.160
we were a round situation, I
didn't stay healthy when we were around situations

430
00:29:55.200 --> 00:30:03.440
like this, it becomes our norm. When things become our we accept them

431
00:30:03.839 --> 00:30:07.319
as our norm, and that is
something that we don't want to do.

432
00:30:07.480 --> 00:30:12.920
Unfortunately, that is something that gets
us into trouble and we begin to accept

433
00:30:12.960 --> 00:30:26.119
it instead of seeing the problems and
seeing it for what it is. And

434
00:30:26.640 --> 00:30:33.359
that is the truth there. You
know, when we start having this rub

435
00:30:33.359 --> 00:30:37.240
off, we don't realize the impact
it has on us. We don't realize

436
00:30:37.240 --> 00:30:40.799
how it's going to change our personality. We also don't realize how this is

437
00:30:40.839 --> 00:30:45.519
also going to create more of a
problematic relationship, more of a struggle between

438
00:30:45.559 --> 00:30:49.640
you and that person. And also
eventually it's going to struggle and create more

439
00:30:49.680 --> 00:30:55.480
problems than your other relationships in day
to day life. And so looking at

440
00:30:55.480 --> 00:30:59.279
that, making sure that you're also
being constant, you know, stepping back

441
00:30:59.279 --> 00:31:03.079
and making sure that you're not getting
overly emotional or overly stressed out. Also

442
00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:08.599
analyzing about boundaries. Where are your
boundaries? I need you to start looking

443
00:31:08.599 --> 00:31:18.200
at them. Start standing up for
yourself, standing up for yourself. What

444
00:31:18.240 --> 00:31:22.200
are you gonna do for yourself?
Stand up what needs to be done?

445
00:31:22.799 --> 00:31:26.359
How can you stand up for yourself? What can you do. These are

446
00:31:26.480 --> 00:31:30.480
very important aspects of life because,
for example, let's say that they stand

447
00:31:30.559 --> 00:31:34.880
you up. You know, you
don't want to be at their beck and

448
00:31:36.000 --> 00:31:42.039
call. You don't want to be
at their beck and call immediately. You

449
00:31:42.119 --> 00:31:48.119
also need to call them out for
it. If they get angry and they

450
00:31:48.119 --> 00:31:51.119
start putting you down, you don't
want to accept that. You need to

451
00:31:51.160 --> 00:31:59.799
call it out in a positive or
neutral way where it's not combative, but

452
00:32:00.039 --> 00:32:01.960
in a way where it's like,
hey, this is an acceptable behavior.

453
00:32:02.559 --> 00:32:07.039
I'm not going to accept this type
of behavior toward me. All these things

454
00:32:07.119 --> 00:32:10.559
need to be taken into consideration.
And this is important because once you start

455
00:32:10.599 --> 00:32:15.119
accepting this reality, when you start
accepting this reality, that is the problem.

456
00:32:15.160 --> 00:32:19.519
Because when we accept it and we
keep accepting it, and we keep

457
00:32:19.559 --> 00:32:22.680
accepting it, and we keep accepting
it, we allow these types of things

458
00:32:22.720 --> 00:32:30.519
in our life. We allow this
to happen, you know, and that

459
00:32:30.720 --> 00:32:37.960
is definitely a problem. That is
definitely a problem. And then that person

460
00:32:37.960 --> 00:32:43.960
will treat us as so, will
continue to bring that type of attitude and

461
00:32:44.000 --> 00:32:46.759
situation to us. We'll continue to
act that way to us, We'll continue

462
00:32:46.759 --> 00:32:52.480
to push us that direction, and
all these things will start happening, and

463
00:32:52.559 --> 00:32:55.559
over time it becomes our commonplace,
it becomes our norm. We accept that

464
00:32:55.640 --> 00:33:00.240
reality, and then we lose ourselves
right because we have no boundaries, don't

465
00:33:00.240 --> 00:33:01.960
stand up or worried about standing up, or worried about how they're going to

466
00:33:02.039 --> 00:33:06.279
respond. You know, are they
going to walk out? Are they going

467
00:33:06.359 --> 00:33:08.519
to start a problem? Are they
going to you know, pack up all

468
00:33:08.599 --> 00:33:12.960
their stuff and leave? Are they
going to start a screaming match? You

469
00:33:12.960 --> 00:33:15.960
know, what is it that they're
going to do? What is the argument?

470
00:33:15.079 --> 00:33:17.279
How are they going to start it? And how do they move forward

471
00:33:17.279 --> 00:33:20.880
with it? Because we know it's
going to happen, we just don't know

472
00:33:21.000 --> 00:33:25.200
the level and the intensity. But
again you have to ask yourself, am

473
00:33:25.200 --> 00:33:30.960
I willing to continue to walk on
eggshells my whole life with this person?

474
00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:34.640
Or do I need to put my
foot down? And then you have to

475
00:33:34.680 --> 00:33:37.519
ask yourself, you know, is
whatever this is that I find attractive or

476
00:33:37.599 --> 00:33:43.359
lovable or whatever about them? Is
this worth continuing down this pathway? Is

477
00:33:43.400 --> 00:33:49.039
this worth continuing down this pathway to
where I'm going? Because many of you

478
00:33:49.119 --> 00:33:52.119
might say no, it's not worth
it. Many of you might say no,

479
00:33:52.680 --> 00:33:54.359
it is definitely not worth it,
and that is something that we want

480
00:33:54.400 --> 00:33:58.759
to look at because we want to
be honest with ourselves. We want to

481
00:33:58.799 --> 00:34:00.759
be straightforward with ourselves, and if
it's not something that we want to deal

482
00:34:00.799 --> 00:34:04.359
with for a long period of time, we need to start wondering how we're

483
00:34:04.400 --> 00:34:07.480
going to cut ties. But in
the process of cutting ties, we need

484
00:34:07.519 --> 00:34:09.440
to know why we're cutting ties,
And the process of cutting ties, we

485
00:34:09.480 --> 00:34:14.159
need to understand why we want to
leave this relationship and what is not working

486
00:34:14.199 --> 00:34:16.880
in the relationship. Not necessarily all
the problems about them, because I'm sure

487
00:34:16.920 --> 00:34:21.800
some of those are probably very large, But what does it bring out in

488
00:34:21.840 --> 00:34:24.760
you? What are the things in
you that this relationship brings out that you

489
00:34:24.800 --> 00:34:28.880
are not happy with? What are
the things in you that this relationship bring

490
00:34:28.960 --> 00:34:31.639
Is it anger? Is it fear? Is it depression? Is it a

491
00:34:31.679 --> 00:34:37.000
combination of all those? And being
able to really look at that and taking

492
00:34:37.039 --> 00:34:42.599
some notes and working with a coach
like myself, a therapist, you know,

493
00:34:42.719 --> 00:34:45.599
like with us, you know,
with their Libery True Life Institute,

494
00:34:45.800 --> 00:34:47.800
finding someone that you can work with
that can help you to get through this.

495
00:34:49.199 --> 00:34:52.559
In the power Up, stay tuned
more coming up lib your True Life

496
00:34:52.599 --> 00:34:55.519
Perspectives with me your host Ashley Burgers, will be back in I'll be back

497
00:34:55.559 --> 00:35:12.960
this time in two shakes. Get
in here. You're listening to Perspectives with

498
00:35:13.039 --> 00:35:19.639
Ashley Burgess. Welcome back live to
Liberty Life Perspectives and I'm your host Ashley

499
00:35:19.679 --> 00:35:22.960
Burgess. On today's show, I've
been talking about that Hot and Colt relationship

500
00:35:22.000 --> 00:35:25.119
and being able to understand when somebody
goes from one extreme to the other,

501
00:35:25.280 --> 00:35:29.840
loving you or hating you, loving
you and hating you, finding the greatest

502
00:35:29.840 --> 00:35:32.599
things about you and then turning around
and finding all your faults. And many

503
00:35:32.639 --> 00:35:36.920
of us are in these types of
relationships and we're trying to save the relationship

504
00:35:36.960 --> 00:35:38.360
and we're trying to augment it,
and we're trying to make things work.

505
00:35:38.400 --> 00:35:44.079
But we have to ask ourselves,
is this relationship worth holding onto? Is

506
00:35:44.119 --> 00:35:47.239
this relationship going to live the test
of time? Is the other person working

507
00:35:47.280 --> 00:35:52.280
on their issues? Am I working
on my issues? Are we working on

508
00:35:52.320 --> 00:35:55.039
what we need to work on?
Are we're able to am I able to

509
00:35:55.079 --> 00:36:00.920
actually create boundaries and work alongside?
Because if I can't create boundaries and stand

510
00:36:01.000 --> 00:36:05.880
behind my boundaries, then that's a
problem because eventually, over time, that's

511
00:36:05.880 --> 00:36:08.000
not going to work. If I'm
in too much fear of that person walking

512
00:36:08.039 --> 00:36:14.840
away, leaving, starting the screaming
match increasing intensity, then I'm probably losing

513
00:36:14.920 --> 00:36:19.440
myself in this relationship by not creating
the boundaries that I need, not creating

514
00:36:19.480 --> 00:36:22.800
the limitations that I need to create, and ultimately allowing this type of situation

515
00:36:22.880 --> 00:36:27.760
to continue to fester and to happen. And that is an absolute problem.

516
00:36:28.079 --> 00:36:30.719
And when we have these types of
relationships, unfortunately, this is where we

517
00:36:30.760 --> 00:36:35.119
find ourselves, and we find ourselves
walking on eggshells to try to get this

518
00:36:35.159 --> 00:36:37.679
person to be okay, to get
this person to be okay and to like

519
00:36:37.800 --> 00:36:42.800
us and to be fun and not
to be upset and not to be angry.

520
00:36:43.159 --> 00:36:45.840
We find ourselves walking on eggshells in
the process. And in the process

521
00:36:45.880 --> 00:36:51.280
of doing this, we lose our
identity. We lose us as an individual,

522
00:36:51.320 --> 00:36:54.719
We lose us as a person because
we're no longer us anymore. We're

523
00:36:54.719 --> 00:36:58.840
trying to be somebody else. We're
trying to be what this person wants us

524
00:36:58.880 --> 00:37:01.519
to be in the moment, so
that the argument doesn't happen, the challenge

525
00:37:01.559 --> 00:37:05.719
doesn't happen, the fight doesn't happen, and so we kind of give,

526
00:37:05.840 --> 00:37:07.840
give, give till it hurts,
until eventually we don't know who we are.

527
00:37:08.159 --> 00:37:13.079
Until eventually we don't understand who we
are and what we stand for.

528
00:37:13.119 --> 00:37:15.679
And that is a very scary place
to be. And I know that many

529
00:37:15.719 --> 00:37:17.920
of you say, Hey, I'm
there right now, And that is exactly

530
00:37:19.000 --> 00:37:22.039
how I help clients. I help
clients get through this process. Identify who

531
00:37:22.039 --> 00:37:27.400
they are, Identify their blueprint of
them as an individual, figure out who

532
00:37:27.440 --> 00:37:30.639
they are, understand the blueprint,
create the blueprint from the ground up,

533
00:37:31.559 --> 00:37:37.079
and us work to empower them to
make sure that one we find our truth.

534
00:37:37.239 --> 00:37:39.480
We find our values. Through the
values, we create our boundaries.

535
00:37:39.880 --> 00:37:45.599
Through our boundaries, we focus on
safeguarding ourselves and being true to ourselves.

536
00:37:46.360 --> 00:37:51.800
We also realize of any sort of
cycle patterns that we have in relationships.

537
00:37:52.079 --> 00:37:54.559
Many of us have these cycle patterns
based on family dynamic and the past and

538
00:37:54.599 --> 00:37:58.679
how that impacts us. Those are
things that we have to be super aware

539
00:37:58.679 --> 00:38:00.920
of. Another thing too, being
able to understand those triggers. Many of

540
00:38:01.000 --> 00:38:05.639
us have been triggered throughout our life
because of certain situations, you know,

541
00:38:05.719 --> 00:38:07.760
not being true to ourselves. The
triggers that happen to us. These are

542
00:38:07.800 --> 00:38:10.679
things that we need to be aware
of and things that can really help us

543
00:38:12.239 --> 00:38:17.119
to change our life dynamic and our
trajectory. And these are things that are

544
00:38:17.199 --> 00:38:21.639
very important. So if you find
yourself in a relationship like this, I

545
00:38:21.679 --> 00:38:24.280
need you to really analyze am I
being constant? Am I being consistent?

546
00:38:25.639 --> 00:38:30.519
Or have I started? Has this
started robbing off on me? And if

547
00:38:30.559 --> 00:38:35.440
it has, that's when you definitely
need to take a step back and get

548
00:38:35.440 --> 00:38:37.639
some help. Because if it's starting
to rub off on you, the environment

549
00:38:37.800 --> 00:38:42.519
starting to change you, and you're
starting to get to that point because you're

550
00:38:42.519 --> 00:38:45.599
not able to be consistent because you're
not able to have boundaries. You're not

551
00:38:45.679 --> 00:38:51.280
able to be consistent because you're actually
in fear of losing this person. Because

552
00:38:51.280 --> 00:38:54.239
if you weren't in fear of losing
this person, you wouldn't continue to go

553
00:38:54.280 --> 00:39:00.000
down this path. You would actually
stop. What's not working lives the situation,

554
00:39:00.760 --> 00:39:04.480
you know, go see counseling,
coaching, therapy, you know,

555
00:39:04.559 --> 00:39:07.079
working with myself or or other folks
that work with me under the Live Your

556
00:39:07.079 --> 00:39:12.039
True Life Institute umbrella and help you
to figure out exactly what you need.

557
00:39:12.079 --> 00:39:15.480
Because the last thing I want you
to do is to lose your identity.

558
00:39:15.519 --> 00:39:19.280
The best possible situation is for you
to find happiness, peace of mind,

559
00:39:19.320 --> 00:39:22.199
and joy in your life. And
if this relationship is part of it,

560
00:39:22.280 --> 00:39:24.880
great, But the only way we
can get there is through boundaries and leadership.

561
00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:28.920
It's not any other way. So
I hope that this show has helped

562
00:39:28.960 --> 00:39:30.800
you. Please share it with anybody
that's going through a hot and cold relationship

563
00:39:30.880 --> 00:39:34.559
like this, the ups and downs, the pain, the love and hate.

564
00:39:34.960 --> 00:39:37.159
If you are you know you can
reach out. Just go to Ashleyburgess

565
00:39:37.159 --> 00:39:42.400
dot com, ashleyb ERGEs dot com, click on coaching sessions and you can

566
00:39:42.400 --> 00:39:45.039
set up a session right then and
there thirty sixty or ninety minutes. I

567
00:39:45.079 --> 00:39:49.960
look forward to meeting and working with
new clients. I'm finally now being able

568
00:39:49.960 --> 00:39:52.000
to accept some new clients at this
point, and so I'd love to work

569
00:39:52.039 --> 00:39:54.719
with you on this to help you
to power up yourself, but also to

570
00:39:54.760 --> 00:40:00.000
identify the situation, identify the triggers, you know, creating that personal blas

571
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:06.280
finding our values and moving past this
past psychle pattern, understanding it and not

572
00:40:06.360 --> 00:40:08.280
repeating it again. I hope the
show has helped. Please share it.

573
00:40:08.280 --> 00:40:12.440
Also, we have new video content
out every week on YouTube. Just go

574
00:40:12.480 --> 00:40:15.519
to Ashley Burgess. My website again
is Ashley Burgess Astley B E r G

575
00:40:15.760 --> 00:40:21.400
b E rges dot com Ashley b
E r ges dot com. And in

576
00:40:21.440 --> 00:40:24.280
the meantime, it's about living your
true life, finding your happiness, finding

577
00:40:24.280 --> 00:40:29.400
your peace, finding your joy,
being true to yourself, creating those values

578
00:40:29.440 --> 00:40:32.320
and understanding those values that matter and
living by those values that matter for you,

579
00:40:32.679 --> 00:40:37.159
and finding other people that appreciate and
respect that, and vice versa.

580
00:40:37.400 --> 00:40:39.800
I hope the show is connected with
you again. Please share it with others.

581
00:40:40.119 --> 00:40:44.159
Live your true life perspectives with me, your host Asthley Burgers, will

582
00:40:44.159 --> 00:40:49.719
be back in I'll be back this
time in three shakes.