July 2, 2025

Mind Games and Manipulation: The Gaslighting Epidemic. [Ep:799]

Mind Games and Manipulation: The Gaslighting Epidemic. [Ep:799]
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Welcome to The Ashley Berges Show. Today, we’re diving into a topic that’s more relevant than ever: gaslighting. It’s showing up everywhere, in our personal lives, professional environments, and across the media. In this episode, I examine how constant manipulation affects us, particularly when it begins at home and resonates throughout every other aspect of life. I break down what gaslighting means, how to recognize it, and why it’s crucial to call it out. Additionally, I explore the various types of gaslighting, enabling you to be able to identify the patterns and safeguard your well-being. Don’t miss this important podcast that can help you reclaim your voice and your reality.




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You're in a good place now.

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You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgets.

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Welcome back to The Ashley Burgess Show formerly known as

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Live Your True Life Perspectives. And on today's show, we're

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going to be talking about gaslighting. We're going to be

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talking about manipulation, triangulization as well as narcissism. And I

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know that this is a lot to take on all

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at one time, but I think that right now it's

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more important than ever to discuss this type of topic

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because it's happening in a constant basis for most people,

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whether it's in their personal life, their professional life, or

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even around the world. It seems that gas lighting is

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a constant situation that many of us are dealing with.

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We constantly are being manipulated, and I feel like it's

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echoing strong when it's happening at the home, because it's

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just compounding from all the other sources that it's taking

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place in. So let's talk about gaslighting to begin with,

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because I think this is something that needs to be

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addressed first to really understand the concept we're talking about,

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because I think sometimes this gets really well, I guess

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it gets overlooked and when we're talking about gas lighting.

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And I know that this is a word that a

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lot of people use, and I understand that. And people

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are like, oh, it's so overused. Well, you know why

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it's overused. It's because it's happening all the time. Okay,

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it's happening on constant baselines. And gaslighting is a type

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of emotional and psychological abuse that revolves around entitlement and

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seeking to control another person.

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Okay, this is the deal.

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It's about trying to control somebody, trying to get them

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to doubt themselves line with intention, and gaslighting is something

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that's really good at making somebody question themselves. It's very

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detrimental to the psyche and it's just something that is

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absolute abuse. And it might not be physical, you know,

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like when somebody's gaslighting you, they're not punching you. But

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gaslighting is real, okay, And it's happening all the time now,

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and a lot of times it's going under the radar

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because it's happening in ways that you don't even know.

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And so you know, there's five types of gaslighting. That's

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something that we want to talk about. And the first

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type of gaslighting that I want to bring up is lies. Okay,

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it's the concept of the lies when when we're dealing

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with gaslighting, we're dealing with people changing and augmenting the

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truth to benefit them. Okay, So when somebody lies about something, right,

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they're denying something or they're refusing to admit the truth

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about something even when there's evidence to prove the fact

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that they're lying. And we see this all the time.

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I mean, many of you are dealing with this in

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your personal life. You're dealing with this in your marriage.

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Maybe you have a parent dynamic that is constantly gaslighting

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you and changing the narrative of what the reality is.

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In the in the in the exact moment.

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We also are dealing with it on a bigger picture, right,

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We're dealing with it on a constant basis in society,

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on social media and our government and everything else that's happening.

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There's constantly something said that's not true, and then you're

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gas lit and you start believing these lies. But if

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if you go against the lies or you say that

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that's not true, then you're you know, you're deemed a loser,

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or you're deemed that you're making this up, or that

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you have some sort of mental illness. You know, another

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type of gaslighting is manipulation, and that is what we're

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gonna be talking about today. You know, how it really

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goes hand in hand is when you manipulate somebody, you're

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trying to control them, You're using tactics to control them,

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you're trying to gain advantage over them, and you're trying

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to create confusion and doubt within that person as well.

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If I manipulate you properly, right, If I'm manipulating you

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properly and I'm doing it right, I got you so

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discombobulated and confused. You don't know what's up and you

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don't know what's down. Okay, so this is perfect because

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I can pull whatever I want to pull. I've gotten

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you so questioning your own reality that you don't even

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know what's going on anymore. You stop being detective and

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you start having to actually just take care of yourself

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and try to self soothe and try to figure it out.

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And that's when you know you're in a real caustic,

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toxic environment. You know.

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Another type of gas lighting is what we call scapegoat.

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I know everybody's heard a scapegoat. Many of you have

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also heard of the black sheep. Right, black sheep and

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scapegoat go hand in hand. So if you're a black

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sheep of the family, you understand everything has been put

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on you. All the blame and all the problems and

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all the responsibility is on you. If you're in a

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marriage where you can't do anything right, where literally everything

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is about you, you are the problem. You are the issue.

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The other person does no wrong, you are the scapegoat.

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And I know that a lot of you are dealing

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with this. You've probably been dealing it with it from childhood.

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You dealt with it in the family dynamic. You were

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the scapegoat. You were the black sheep. And then now

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here we are in your marriage or in this relationship,

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and there you are becoming the scapegoat again.

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Now.

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Corrosion is another thing too, where you pressure someone using

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threats or force into doing something that they wouldn't otherwise do.

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Coercion is also used a lot of time in the

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concept of shame and g okay, so I'm gonna shame

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you into doing something. I'm gonna shame you into doing

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something that you wouldn't obviously do otherwise. And a good

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example that I see with a lot of my clients

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in the last reason, like three years, is that the

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other person in the relationship is shaming them to get

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material items that my client maybe can afford, but honestly

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it's changing their financial trajectory based on buying these things.

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For example, people wanting plastic surgery, cars, houses, whatever that is.

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And the person's over there thinking, gosh, I don't I

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don't have enough money. I have kids over here I'm

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trying to support. Now, I'm trying to support this girl

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or this guy or whatever it is, and it's it's

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and they shame you into doing things. Well, you know,

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if you I guess you're just you know, you're just poor,

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or I guess you're just cheap, you know. I mean,

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if you really care for me and love me, you

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would do this. I mean, my ex would take care

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of all of these things. But I guess you just

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don't have the ability to do so. And so they

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end up shaming you and coerce you into doing these

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things that really, honestly, you don't want to do. It's

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not in your best interest and you know it as

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you're doing it, but they're shaming you and guiltying you

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into it, and you know, for a fact that these

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same people at the tables returned would not give you

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these items, would not take care of you financially, and

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would also make you do it. So it's interesting how

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they they like to they like to make you say, oh, well,

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if I was in your position, I would take care

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of you. But I find that, well, not not true

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at all. One last aspect that I want to talk

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about gaslight as specifically as far as types are concerned,

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is trivializing situations, you know, making things small, minimizing them

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or and people trivialize your feelings, They trivialize your emotions,

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they trivialize your experiences. They trivialize your age and your past.

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You see that many times when people get married to

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or in relationships with people that have a great difference

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in age.

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You know.

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So let's say, like, you know, somebody gets married to

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ors in a relationship with someone that's like, you know,

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twenty years you know, younger, and that young person's over there,

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you know, trivializing the experience that the other person has had,

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you know, also putting them down for their age and

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what have you, but also minimizing the other person's feelings.

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One of the best ways to gaslight somebody is to

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make them believe that one, they're off target and they're wrong.

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But the second thing that's interesting is when you can

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get that person to actually, you know, not even believe

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their own emotions, not even believe or minimize their own

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emotions because they have been minimized for so long. And

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so you know, I know that a lot of y'all

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have dealt with this and have had have dealt with

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gaslighting in a relationship. It doesn't feel good, you know,

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and a lot of the results from gaslighting are pretty painful.

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I mean, these gaslighting results, you know, gets you to

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question yourself. You have trouble making any decisions on what

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to eat, what to drink, where to go, what to do.

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You're constantly apologizing for your actions, even though it's not

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your actions that are causing the problem. And and you know,

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I find that very interesting too, because you know, when

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you're looking at that type of thing, you know, it's like, okay,

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you know, I I I I'm questioning myself because I've

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been in this relationship so long that I'm starting to wonder,

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you know, what's up and what's down. I'm also doing

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a lot of self blaming, because that's part of it too,

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is because remember, the narcissist is going to get you

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to believe that you're the problem, you're the issue, and

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to blame you and not them. That's part of the

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way that it works. That's why the narcissism is so problematic.

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And I know some of you will say, oh, there's

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not that many narcissists out there, Well, you know what,

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you're wrong. Okay, you're wrong. There's a lot of narcisses

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out there. Yes, there's a lot of people that just

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have a few symptoms and signs of narcisism. Most of

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us have at least one or two, right, But I'm

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talking about the full on ancelada and this exists, and

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you know, there's also a combination. There might be other

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things you know, at play at that time. It might

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not be straight narcissism. Okay, there is dual diagnosis. There

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are issues here. But thinking about that, the other thing

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is that when you're walking on eggshells around that person,

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like everything is an issue.

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You know, you get home one minute.

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After six o'clock and it's a problem, and then they

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cause a problem for four or five hours and gaslight

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you manipulate you about how you don't care about them,

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and you don't care about their time, and you don't

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care about this, and you don't care about that, even

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though they don't work, even though you know one minute's

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not a big deal. But it's a way of finding

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a problem with you so they don't have to look

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internally at their own.

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Issues, which they have a lot of issues.

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Another aspect, too, is that you start getting to the

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point where you stay quiet. Okay, you stay quiet because

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you're scared. You stay quiet because when you express your

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feelings and believes they're either made fun of, they're belittled,

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they're looked down upon their question.

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You know.

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And then you're also at the same time because if

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you've been gaslight for a long time and you're in

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the and you're in the presence of a narcissist, you

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have to remember that you're going to question and your feelings,

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your judgments and observations now more than ever. You're not

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even gonna trust yourself anymore.

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Okay. That's what they get you to do.

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That's why it's so it's so highly successful, okay, is

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that they get you to question your own self. So

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now you're in an eternal battle with yourself. You're no

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longer battling with them anymore. Yes, you're walking on eggshells,

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and you're well, if I don't do this, they won't

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get mad at me. If I get home on time,

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they won't yell at me. You know, if I get

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them alcohol or I go get them this, they'll be

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nice to me for an hour or so. So there

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you are coddling and codependant in this situation. At the

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same time, anytime you make a comment, you're questioning your

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belief system, your judgment because they're making fun of you

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or making you feel as though you're not worthy.

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Again.

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This all leads into this problematic situation. You begin to

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doubt your memories. You doubt the recall of the events

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that happen because they start making things up, like, for example,

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you weren't there for me on this day three years ago, okay,

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and so you get to hear about that when and

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then if you go back, it was interesting. I had

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a client recently where you know their significant other was

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bounding determines. You make this the issues back in July

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of twenty twenty two, you did this to me and

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it was on these dates and these were the times.

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And I said, go back to your phone and go

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into your phone and look at your photos, and I

233
00:11:18.480 --> 00:11:21.200
want you to see where you were on those exact dates.

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00:11:21.480 --> 00:11:25.399
They were on a vacation. They were on a vacation together.

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Everything that was being said by their partner was a lie.

236
00:11:29.519 --> 00:11:33.799
It was a complete fabrication of reality, generated to make

237
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this person feel bad when in reality, they had spent

238
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money on a very nice trip and they were on

239
00:11:38.240 --> 00:11:41.399
a trip for seven days. Again, they made you doubt

240
00:11:41.399 --> 00:11:43.559
your reality. They made you believe, oh, I must have

241
00:11:43.639 --> 00:11:45.639
been a jackass. I must have been gone and didn't

242
00:11:45.679 --> 00:11:46.240
take care of them.

243
00:11:46.240 --> 00:11:47.799
Where was I? Where would I've been?

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But in reality, when you go back to you know,

245
00:11:50.279 --> 00:11:53.879
the almighty phone, you find out that, oh, Jesus Christ,

246
00:11:54.200 --> 00:11:56.320
that's not the case. I spent all this money, we

247
00:11:56.320 --> 00:11:58.559
were on a trip. I wasn't even working, I wasn't

248
00:11:58.600 --> 00:12:01.519
even take care of us, my respond But this person

249
00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:05.360
had me questioning full on reality, believing that I was

250
00:12:05.399 --> 00:12:09.759
the problem for something that actually did not even take place. Okay,

251
00:12:10.120 --> 00:12:13.679
And the crazy thing about it is when you get

252
00:12:13.679 --> 00:12:17.879
manipulated so hard like this, they're so smart about what

253
00:12:19.559 --> 00:12:22.799
they start isolating you they start trapping you so that

254
00:12:22.840 --> 00:12:27.679
it's just you, just you and them, just you and them.

255
00:12:27.960 --> 00:12:29.960
Oh no, I don't. I don't want to see your friends.

256
00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:30.559
Oh don't.

257
00:12:30.600 --> 00:12:32.720
I don't want anybody over here. Oh I don't want

258
00:12:32.759 --> 00:12:34.360
to do this. I don't want to do that, you

259
00:12:34.360 --> 00:12:38.120
know what I'm saying. And so eventually they're isolating you,

260
00:12:38.120 --> 00:12:41.600
you start isolating you. Now it's just you trapped in

261
00:12:41.600 --> 00:12:44.840
this relationship, completely questioning your reality, and this person is

262
00:12:44.919 --> 00:12:47.759
just rolling game on you. I mean they are running

263
00:12:47.840 --> 00:12:52.320
game all over you and they have no intention of stopping.

264
00:12:52.360 --> 00:12:55.120
This doesn't get any better, It only gets worse. Okay,

265
00:12:55.360 --> 00:12:57.559
They're only going to take as much as they can

266
00:12:58.080 --> 00:13:01.120
and as long as they can, and so you break

267
00:13:01.919 --> 00:13:04.320
or you actually wake up to the truth and reality

268
00:13:04.320 --> 00:13:07.279
of what you're dealing with. And I know that many

269
00:13:07.320 --> 00:13:09.639
of you are like, Man, this is exactly happening to me, Ashley.

270
00:13:09.679 --> 00:13:13.159
I'm constantly feeling on edge. I'm constantly unable to relax.

271
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I'm constantly feeling threatened at all time when I go home,

272
00:13:16.799 --> 00:13:20.120
it is my hell. Okay, if you're in this position

273
00:13:20.159 --> 00:13:22.320
where when you go home, you're constantly on edge, you're

274
00:13:22.320 --> 00:13:24.399
a feeling you can't relax, you can't sit down, You're

275
00:13:24.399 --> 00:13:26.519
constantly feeling the threat. And this is not a good

276
00:13:26.519 --> 00:13:28.519
place to be at. This is a very painful place

277
00:13:28.559 --> 00:13:30.320
to be at. This is a very scary place to

278
00:13:30.320 --> 00:13:34.840
be at. Because home should be at least calm. Home

279
00:13:34.919 --> 00:13:36.639
should be a place that you want to go to

280
00:13:36.720 --> 00:13:39.799
and relax. Homes should not be a place of being accosted,

281
00:13:40.120 --> 00:13:45.440
accused of, you know, lie to ridiculed. And I find

282
00:13:45.480 --> 00:13:49.360
that that where when you're uncomfortable and you're on edge,

283
00:13:49.440 --> 00:13:51.799
that's the perfect place, in the perfect time to make

284
00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:56.960
a change. Okay, because the next sex section under that

285
00:13:57.320 --> 00:14:00.399
is when things get worse is when you believe that

286
00:14:00.440 --> 00:14:04.360
you're unable to do anything right. Okay, when it's getting

287
00:14:04.399 --> 00:14:06.759
even worse and worse and you're questioning your reality, you're

288
00:14:06.759 --> 00:14:10.320
feeling disappointed. Now you're getting depressed. And then many people

289
00:14:10.360 --> 00:14:12.399
turn to alcohol and drugs, right because they're depressed, and

290
00:14:12.399 --> 00:14:13.840
it's like, well, I might as well smoke a bunch

291
00:14:13.879 --> 00:14:15.840
of weed and pass out so I don't have to

292
00:14:15.879 --> 00:14:19.559
hear her or him bitch about whatever. Right, Or you're

293
00:14:19.600 --> 00:14:23.080
overly drinking or overly self medicating, or maybe you're taking

294
00:14:23.080 --> 00:14:24.759
a lot of sleeping pills now and you can barely

295
00:14:24.759 --> 00:14:26.840
wake up in the morning because God forbid you have

296
00:14:26.879 --> 00:14:29.960
another argument. I mean, many of you are already sleeping

297
00:14:29.960 --> 00:14:32.240
in separate rooms already. I mean that's not a question.

298
00:14:32.519 --> 00:14:35.159
Some of you aren't. But it's just escalating every single

299
00:14:35.159 --> 00:14:36.919
moment of the day. And so we need to be

300
00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:39.320
able to recognize when you're in a relationship like this

301
00:14:39.679 --> 00:14:43.039
and what you can do. And I've realized too that

302
00:14:43.159 --> 00:14:46.879
when we get to this point, we're no longer just

303
00:14:47.039 --> 00:14:53.360
dealing with gaslighting. We're also dealing with triangularization. And you know,

304
00:14:55.279 --> 00:14:59.320
I think this is an interesting situation because when somebody

305
00:14:59.559 --> 00:15:03.279
is triangulating you, okay, it's you know, it's like, you know,

306
00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:06.080
the pyramid kind of situation. I'm not gonna do anything, like,

307
00:15:06.360 --> 00:15:08.080
I'm not gonna do any hands signals for it. I

308
00:15:08.120 --> 00:15:10.080
think you can understand what a pyramid looks like.

309
00:15:10.240 --> 00:15:10.399
Right.

310
00:15:10.480 --> 00:15:14.440
So, in the context of communication and relationships, to triangulate

311
00:15:14.480 --> 00:15:16.639
someone means to bring a third person. So you got like,

312
00:15:16.720 --> 00:15:19.360
you know, three size, So you bring a third person

313
00:15:19.399 --> 00:15:22.759
into a situation to control communication between.

314
00:15:22.440 --> 00:15:23.440
Two other people.

315
00:15:24.799 --> 00:15:29.240
This third person usually comes in to mediate, or to manipulate,

316
00:15:29.399 --> 00:15:32.159
or to undermine the relationship between those other two people.

317
00:15:33.080 --> 00:15:35.120
You can see it as like a parent dynamic, like

318
00:15:35.159 --> 00:15:38.080
a parent involved with you know, their older child and

319
00:15:38.120 --> 00:15:41.080
a marital issue, or a younger child in a marital issue,

320
00:15:41.080 --> 00:15:43.879
so the parent tries to triangulate the situation between the

321
00:15:43.879 --> 00:15:46.879
other parent and the child. Or you know, for example,

322
00:15:46.879 --> 00:15:50.080
if somebody's unhappy that their child, their grown child and

323
00:15:50.200 --> 00:15:53.279
grown adult married somebody, one parent could triangulate and be

324
00:15:53.440 --> 00:15:57.679
judging and having issues. It's just a communication situation where

325
00:15:57.679 --> 00:16:00.120
it's a control of the communication, right and so it

326
00:16:00.159 --> 00:16:04.440
involves that third party, like for example, you know, a

327
00:16:04.480 --> 00:16:07.559
person could you know, create a situation where a family

328
00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:12.080
or friend or family member becomes like the communication between

329
00:16:12.120 --> 00:16:14.960
them and their partner right again, kind of creating this

330
00:16:15.080 --> 00:16:18.960
different type of flow in this different phenomenon. And what

331
00:16:19.120 --> 00:16:21.080
I found is that this is highly used by a

332
00:16:21.159 --> 00:16:24.759
narcissists to control the situation. And the best thing that

333
00:16:24.799 --> 00:16:27.639
they do in this situation, which I find very interesting,

334
00:16:29.639 --> 00:16:33.879
is they pit the two people against one another, or

335
00:16:33.919 --> 00:16:36.440
they try to create a situation where they're getting all

336
00:16:36.480 --> 00:16:40.039
the attention, right, or they try to create and this

337
00:16:40.080 --> 00:16:42.279
is the best thing is to shame someone. So they

338
00:16:42.320 --> 00:16:45.080
bring someone in. Let's say like let's say like you

339
00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:49.559
have a couple and the one person brings in maybe

340
00:16:49.600 --> 00:16:54.639
their best friend or a parent dynamic, and they start

341
00:16:54.679 --> 00:16:57.360
shaming that other person where that person should be supplying

342
00:16:57.440 --> 00:17:00.399
other things or oh, now you're married, now you know

343
00:17:00.480 --> 00:17:02.759
you're the husband or whatever, you should be providing this

344
00:17:02.879 --> 00:17:03.759
like what's wrong with you?

345
00:17:03.799 --> 00:17:06.680
Why you're so cheap? What's wrong with you? You should be shamed.

346
00:17:06.680 --> 00:17:09.079
This is horrible, and so they start shaming this other

347
00:17:09.119 --> 00:17:11.720
person to get whatever they can get, because you know,

348
00:17:11.960 --> 00:17:13.759
they basically triangulate.

349
00:17:13.240 --> 00:17:15.599
The situation and make it really really hard on that

350
00:17:15.680 --> 00:17:16.319
one person.

351
00:17:17.920 --> 00:17:22.599
And narcissists use this all the time to get what

352
00:17:22.680 --> 00:17:27.240
they want. They use this to get what they want.

353
00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:30.759
And a key sign is, you know, when people are

354
00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:34.480
taking sides when there's conflict, and this is a big

355
00:17:34.519 --> 00:17:36.599
thing that a lot of people don't know how to

356
00:17:36.680 --> 00:17:39.200
deal with or even that it's happening. Is when somebody

357
00:17:39.279 --> 00:17:42.559
brings you in to fight their fight even or brings

358
00:17:42.599 --> 00:17:45.440
you in to try to get the other person to understand,

359
00:17:45.559 --> 00:17:48.160
or brings you in to try to convince the other

360
00:17:48.200 --> 00:17:51.759
person of their problems or issues. You're in This type

361
00:17:51.759 --> 00:17:55.599
of situation, and it's not a fun place to be.

362
00:17:56.440 --> 00:18:00.480
I mean, it's a manipulation tactic that's used, and it's

363
00:18:00.640 --> 00:18:04.200
used by narcissists to gain control, right to influence that

364
00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:07.759
other person, and for them to show themselves as the victim. So,

365
00:18:08.079 --> 00:18:11.160
for example, if I'm trying to create the victim reality

366
00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:13.279
and i want everybody to believe that I'm the victim,

367
00:18:13.559 --> 00:18:17.680
I'm gonna tell somebody this horrible, sad victim story, okay,

368
00:18:18.000 --> 00:18:19.839
and I'm gonna say, oh, this is you know, I'm

369
00:18:19.839 --> 00:18:22.480
going through this because of this person. And then this

370
00:18:22.559 --> 00:18:25.599
person's gonna come in and believe my story and then

371
00:18:25.720 --> 00:18:27.920
beat up on the other person. Right, They're gonna beat

372
00:18:27.960 --> 00:18:29.920
up on that other person believing the fact of what

373
00:18:30.039 --> 00:18:33.799
I said. I'm gonna get validation from that, right, I'm

374
00:18:33.799 --> 00:18:37.640
gonna get support from that and at all the while,

375
00:18:37.880 --> 00:18:39.960
I don't have to be accountable for that. Right, I'm

376
00:18:39.960 --> 00:18:43.279
gonna make this other person accountable for the problem that's mine,

377
00:18:43.359 --> 00:18:46.039
and I'm gonna act like that other person created this problem.

378
00:18:46.400 --> 00:18:50.119
And it's a perfect thing for narcissists to do because, again,

379
00:18:50.160 --> 00:18:52.160
like I was talking about the gas lighting, it creates

380
00:18:52.160 --> 00:18:56.079
the isolation, it makes the other person in the situation

381
00:18:56.240 --> 00:19:00.519
be unsupported and have no support, and he sees the

382
00:19:00.559 --> 00:19:03.359
other perspective, right, so you get that one other person

383
00:19:03.400 --> 00:19:06.640
in there beating up that third person over and over again.

384
00:19:07.039 --> 00:19:10.519
The third person is now being gas lit so much

385
00:19:10.559 --> 00:19:13.160
by not only their spouse or significant other, but by

386
00:19:13.200 --> 00:19:16.480
this other party that then they start taking on things

387
00:19:16.519 --> 00:19:20.079
that aren't even their responsibility. They start even believing the

388
00:19:20.160 --> 00:19:23.839
fact that maybe it is their responsibility. And this is

389
00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:29.039
a major tactic, you know. For example, you know in relationships,

390
00:19:29.079 --> 00:19:32.440
I recently had a client that you know, they're they're

391
00:19:32.519 --> 00:19:35.519
married and the other person doesn't work, and that's fine,

392
00:19:35.680 --> 00:19:38.200
but there's no children involved, there's no house cleaning involved,

393
00:19:38.200 --> 00:19:41.480
there's nothing. There's other person that's contributing zero to the relationship.

394
00:19:42.079 --> 00:19:45.759
And you know now that person that's contributing zero because

395
00:19:45.799 --> 00:19:48.200
people were saying, well, why aren't you working, why aren't

396
00:19:48.200 --> 00:19:50.880
you doing this? And that they brought in a third party,

397
00:19:50.960 --> 00:19:53.640
and then they lied about their spouse, saying the spouse

398
00:19:53.680 --> 00:19:56.920
has created this problem where they are psychologically imbalanced now

399
00:19:56.960 --> 00:19:59.680
that they don't feel good about themselves, that this person

400
00:19:59.759 --> 00:20:02.519
is made them physically ill. And so now the third

401
00:20:02.599 --> 00:20:05.400
person in this triangle, right, is saying, oh, you're the

402
00:20:05.480 --> 00:20:07.519
bad guy, You're the person. So it's not the person

403
00:20:07.599 --> 00:20:09.920
that won't get the job, it's not the person that

404
00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:13.680
won't do anything. Now it's the other person's problem, right,

405
00:20:13.799 --> 00:20:15.599
And so now the other person's trying to prove the

406
00:20:15.599 --> 00:20:17.799
fact that I didn't make this person sick, I didn't

407
00:20:17.799 --> 00:20:20.720
create this reality. I'm not doing this to this person.

408
00:20:20.759 --> 00:20:23.759
I'm giving all the resources I possibly can to this person.

409
00:20:23.799 --> 00:20:26.279
But see, you've brought in that third party to continue

410
00:20:26.319 --> 00:20:29.759
to beat that other person down, so that the narcissists

411
00:20:29.759 --> 00:20:32.640
can always be the victim. So there's always a reason

412
00:20:32.720 --> 00:20:35.640
that narcissists doesn't have to do anything because it always

413
00:20:35.680 --> 00:20:38.400
works for them because as long as they bring that in,

414
00:20:38.680 --> 00:20:41.519
they always have someone to manipulate. As long as they

415
00:20:41.519 --> 00:20:44.680
bring that third party in to triangulate the situation, they

416
00:20:44.759 --> 00:20:48.960
always have control and they always have numbers. So it's

417
00:20:49.039 --> 00:20:53.160
always them and that person against the innocent person every

418
00:20:53.240 --> 00:20:57.319
single time. And sometimes the person in the triangle with

419
00:20:57.400 --> 00:20:59.759
them know what they're doing. So don't lie to your

420
00:20:59.799 --> 00:21:02.599
sad and say, oh, this person's completely innocent. They just

421
00:21:02.599 --> 00:21:04.759
don't even know that this person brought them in sometimes

422
00:21:04.799 --> 00:21:07.799
there's a reason for it. Sometimes the person that's brought

423
00:21:07.799 --> 00:21:10.920
into triangulate as well is trying to ruin that relationship,

424
00:21:11.119 --> 00:21:13.440
trying to get something out of it. They have their

425
00:21:13.480 --> 00:21:17.319
own self interest involved that they want something. Very rarely

426
00:21:17.440 --> 00:21:19.799
is that not the case now? Sometimes it's not. Sometimes

427
00:21:19.799 --> 00:21:23.839
the narcissist is so good with that other person creating

428
00:21:23.880 --> 00:21:27.039
them as a flying monkey that they get away with it.

429
00:21:27.319 --> 00:21:29.079
Do you see what I'm saying, Like, they make that

430
00:21:29.119 --> 00:21:31.880
person a flying monkey, and they're so good at getting

431
00:21:31.920 --> 00:21:35.599
that person to believe that situation that is a perfect situation,

432
00:21:35.960 --> 00:21:38.720
and so that flying monkey is like loving it, eating

433
00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:41.319
up all of this thinking, oh, I'm right, I'm trying

434
00:21:41.319 --> 00:21:43.440
to help this person, when in reality, it's just a

435
00:21:43.519 --> 00:21:47.000
victim reality that they are trying to create and trying

436
00:21:47.000 --> 00:21:49.039
to be ask everybody into believing it.

437
00:21:50.359 --> 00:21:52.880
And you know, it's it's interesting because.

438
00:21:52.599 --> 00:21:56.640
This isn't just with you know, it's not just like nowadays.

439
00:21:56.640 --> 00:21:59.559
This has been going on forever, forever and forever. This

440
00:21:59.640 --> 00:22:02.440
type of reality has been happening, and so you can

441
00:22:02.519 --> 00:22:05.480
recognize this when people are involving this third party, you

442
00:22:05.480 --> 00:22:06.039
can see it.

443
00:22:06.200 --> 00:22:07.160
If you can see.

444
00:22:06.920 --> 00:22:10.519
The tactic, you can see it if you if you can,

445
00:22:10.759 --> 00:22:13.319
if you can begin to see the tactic in these relationships.

446
00:22:13.359 --> 00:22:16.039
So some of the signs is you're being You're feeling

447
00:22:16.039 --> 00:22:18.920
like you're being pitted against others. You may feel like

448
00:22:18.920 --> 00:22:21.480
you're in constant competition. You may be thinking that you're

449
00:22:21.480 --> 00:22:23.559
trying to get approval and appreciation all the time of

450
00:22:23.599 --> 00:22:25.759
perfection and you can't get it. You're keep giving, keep

451
00:22:25.759 --> 00:22:27.480
giving till it hurts, and you still can't get You

452
00:22:27.519 --> 00:22:29.240
still can't get it. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna

453
00:22:29.240 --> 00:22:31.079
do this, I'm gonna prove this, I'm gonna be this person,

454
00:22:31.160 --> 00:22:32.599
I'm gonna give this, I'm gonna do that.

455
00:22:33.000 --> 00:22:34.319
Still never works.

456
00:22:34.920 --> 00:22:40.359
Another indication confusion, Right, you start questioning yourself, you start

457
00:22:40.400 --> 00:22:43.799
wondering about your worthiness, you start getting insecure about the situation.

458
00:22:44.240 --> 00:22:46.440
The person that's the in that triangle with you is

459
00:22:46.480 --> 00:22:48.759
starting to make you question yourself even more too. You

460
00:22:48.799 --> 00:22:52.559
start feeling like you're going insane. Okay, there's also the

461
00:22:52.599 --> 00:22:55.680
manipulative comparison, where the narcisses frequently compares you to others

462
00:22:55.759 --> 00:22:58.200
in a way that's taking you down. It's unfair. Well,

463
00:22:58.240 --> 00:23:00.440
my ex used to buy me all kinds of things. Well,

464
00:23:00.519 --> 00:23:02.279
my ex got me a car. I mean, what are

465
00:23:02.319 --> 00:23:03.680
you like a piper? You don't have any of you

466
00:23:03.839 --> 00:23:06.359
have anything, or they would take me on these trips

467
00:23:06.440 --> 00:23:09.400
all around the world or whatever it is. They make

468
00:23:09.440 --> 00:23:12.759
you feel so small and you start questioning yourself and

469
00:23:12.759 --> 00:23:14.880
you start doing things that you really can't afford. You

470
00:23:14.920 --> 00:23:19.119
start taking measures that you really should not take, okay,

471
00:23:20.079 --> 00:23:23.839
and then ultimately you start noticing that the narcissist is

472
00:23:23.880 --> 00:23:27.480
actually driving wedges between you and others. They're making others

473
00:23:27.519 --> 00:23:30.720
not trust you, they're making others question you, and so

474
00:23:30.759 --> 00:23:32.920
I want you to start realizing when that's happening.

475
00:23:33.200 --> 00:23:35.880
You're not making this up. This is real.

476
00:23:36.920 --> 00:23:40.480
This is very real, and we're we really we've we've

477
00:23:40.799 --> 00:23:42.519
made this show a lot shorter right now because I

478
00:23:42.519 --> 00:23:45.400
want everybody there's so much information and there's just so

479
00:23:45.519 --> 00:23:47.640
much to go over. I don't want to just blow

480
00:23:47.680 --> 00:23:50.240
it up because it can just feel really overwhelming sometimes

481
00:23:50.240 --> 00:23:51.960
when you're taking this on, because it's like I need

482
00:23:51.960 --> 00:23:53.680
to get the information, I need to learn about it,

483
00:23:53.759 --> 00:23:55.720
and then I need to safeguard myself. So we're making

484
00:23:55.720 --> 00:23:58.200
these episodes a lot shorter so that there's the information

485
00:23:58.599 --> 00:24:00.759
and then you can take that and process and then

486
00:24:00.799 --> 00:24:02.519
come to the next show and kind of learn even

487
00:24:02.599 --> 00:24:04.079
more about how to take care of yourself.

488
00:24:04.119 --> 00:24:05.799
And so I want to go over real.

489
00:24:05.680 --> 00:24:09.799
Quick, just a few things about manipulation and the top

490
00:24:09.920 --> 00:24:13.720
games that people with narcissistic personality play. And that's gaslighting,

491
00:24:14.559 --> 00:24:20.680
that's love bombing, that's ghosting, that's triangulization, that's playing the victim,

492
00:24:21.279 --> 00:24:23.480
and that's revenge. And we'll talk about that more and

493
00:24:23.599 --> 00:24:27.440
upcoming podcast episodes that I think would be helpful for you.

494
00:24:27.799 --> 00:24:30.000
And and because it's all it's all very important, it's

495
00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:32.200
all intertwined, and it's something that we all need to

496
00:24:32.240 --> 00:24:34.640
deal with. But last but not least, it's like, I

497
00:24:34.680 --> 00:24:37.400
want you to be able to realize that if you're

498
00:24:37.559 --> 00:24:40.960
very emotionally intelligent and you're a good person and your impath,

499
00:24:41.000 --> 00:24:45.200
you're the perfect You're the perfect victim, you're the perfect issue,

500
00:24:45.279 --> 00:24:48.599
You're the perfect person for them to basically take from.

501
00:24:49.440 --> 00:24:54.359
The narcissists is looking for that emotionally intelligent person to

502
00:24:54.440 --> 00:24:56.880
get all their stuff from there, looking for that person

503
00:24:56.920 --> 00:24:59.640
to be like to give and to give and to give.

504
00:24:59.480 --> 00:25:00.000
To It hurts.

505
00:25:00.839 --> 00:25:02.440
And this is a great this is you know the

506
00:25:02.519 --> 00:25:04.880
great article about it, Four ways of narciss may manipulate

507
00:25:04.880 --> 00:25:08.079
the emotionally intelligent. It's great, and it talks about how

508
00:25:08.119 --> 00:25:10.480
if you're an EmPATH, you keep giving because you're not

509
00:25:10.759 --> 00:25:14.119
You don't realize what's really happening. You're not aware, and

510
00:25:14.160 --> 00:25:17.400
so they kind of turn it around and you're trying

511
00:25:17.400 --> 00:25:20.519
to help this person, but really and honestly, they're beating

512
00:25:20.519 --> 00:25:23.400
you down to give as much as you possibly can give.

513
00:25:23.960 --> 00:25:27.279
And you start giving to this wounded person, but it's

514
00:25:27.319 --> 00:25:30.200
not enough, right, and so they become even jealous of you,

515
00:25:30.920 --> 00:25:31.400
of what.

516
00:25:31.279 --> 00:25:32.880
You're able and capable of doing.

517
00:25:33.880 --> 00:25:36.240
And you know, it's interesting because if you're an EmPATH,

518
00:25:37.400 --> 00:25:40.200
if you're an EmPATH, you give. If you're an EmPATH,

519
00:25:40.279 --> 00:25:42.200
you're trying to understand the other person you like. Even

520
00:25:42.240 --> 00:25:44.240
if somebody does you wrong, you try to understand the

521
00:25:44.240 --> 00:25:46.000
other side of it. Maybe they were in a bad mood,

522
00:25:46.000 --> 00:25:46.559
maybe they were in.

523
00:25:46.559 --> 00:25:48.640
A bad place. I don't want to judge them.

524
00:25:48.680 --> 00:25:50.839
I know that people have bad days and things happen,

525
00:25:50.880 --> 00:25:52.880
and so you're giving and giving and giving and believing

526
00:25:53.039 --> 00:25:55.640
the best in this person when in reality, there's not

527
00:25:55.680 --> 00:25:59.079
a best in this person. Okay, this is what they do.

528
00:25:59.240 --> 00:26:01.680
This is how they you down. And so I hope

529
00:26:01.680 --> 00:26:04.480
that this concept and this content has helped you in

530
00:26:04.519 --> 00:26:07.799
a way and the fact that you can see, you know,

531
00:26:07.920 --> 00:26:11.240
how people are going by this, how people are dealing

532
00:26:11.240 --> 00:26:13.759
with this, and then how to really recognize when this

533
00:26:13.839 --> 00:26:15.359
is happening. And I want you to think, are you

534
00:26:15.440 --> 00:26:18.160
an EmPATH? Am I giving the benefit of the doubt

535
00:26:18.240 --> 00:26:22.400
all the time? Am I in a triangle situation where

536
00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:25.079
there's someone else is beating me down? Am I being

537
00:26:25.160 --> 00:26:29.119
gas lit? Am I questioning my reality? Have I begun

538
00:26:29.160 --> 00:26:31.359
to question my reality in this relationship? And has it

539
00:26:31.400 --> 00:26:33.640
become to the point where this person is doing this

540
00:26:34.400 --> 00:26:36.480
to make me question my reality and it's hurting me?

541
00:26:36.519 --> 00:26:38.519
And I need you to really think about this logically

542
00:26:38.559 --> 00:26:41.799
and clearly, start writing some notes, start journaling so that

543
00:26:41.880 --> 00:26:44.839
you can begin to safeguard yourself and we can figure

544
00:26:44.839 --> 00:26:46.920
out a way out. But I need you to see

545
00:26:46.960 --> 00:26:49.319
that it's actually happening, and not lying to yourself and

546
00:26:49.359 --> 00:26:52.839
creating a false narrative, and also not believing in their

547
00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:55.240
false narrative, right, because that's one of the biggest things.

548
00:26:55.279 --> 00:26:57.759
When we fall down and we believe that that's when

549
00:26:57.799 --> 00:27:00.160
we begin to lose ourselves and we have to be's

550
00:27:00.160 --> 00:27:02.839
wrong so that we can see our truth. I hope

551
00:27:02.880 --> 00:27:04.759
this content has helped you. Please share with your family

552
00:27:04.799 --> 00:27:07.279
and friends. Check out our YouTube channel. We have life

553
00:27:07.279 --> 00:27:10.200
coach Ashley Burgess as well as the podcast YouTube channel.

554
00:27:10.400 --> 00:27:13.920
If you haven't subscribed to either one, please subscribe to both. Also,

555
00:27:13.920 --> 00:27:15.519
if you'd like to set up an appointment, go to

556
00:27:15.599 --> 00:27:19.119
Ashleyberges dot com Ashleyburges dot com and click on that

557
00:27:19.200 --> 00:27:22.000
coaching section and you can actually set up an appointment

558
00:27:22.079 --> 00:27:24.079
right then and there. I look forward to working with you,

559
00:27:24.400 --> 00:27:26.880
and in the meantime, it's time to safeguard ourselves. It's

560
00:27:26.880 --> 00:27:29.279
time to be true to ourselves. But it's also time

561
00:27:29.319 --> 00:27:32.039
to love ourselves. And being in a relationship that's toxic

562
00:27:32.119 --> 00:27:34.960
like this is not loving. It makes us question ourselves

563
00:27:34.960 --> 00:27:37.480
and it gets in the way of our success, our truth,

564
00:27:37.519 --> 00:27:40.680
our happiness, but also our light. We have light to

565
00:27:40.720 --> 00:27:43.039
share and when you're in these relationships, they try to

566
00:27:43.079 --> 00:27:44.200
take the light right out of you.

567
00:27:44.599 --> 00:27:45.400
I hope this has helped you.

568
00:27:45.400 --> 00:27:48.200
Please share with your family and friends and don't forget

569
00:27:48.359 --> 00:27:56.200
to live your true life.