I love Dogs More Than People [Ep: 822]

0:01 You're in a good place now. You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Ever thought that you love dogs more than people? How many times have you thought about that in your own mind or heard a friend or a family member say, wow, I really love dogs more than people? And that's interesting because for many of us, it's true. On today's Ashley Burgess podcast, we're going to be discussing why is that? What does it mean if we love a dog more than people? So let's dig into that subject today. Many of us have relationships in our life that are actually quite challenging at best. Perhaps communication is a problem and you can't seem to speak your feelings or your truth. Many of us are in relationships, friends, marriage, family, where when you go to speak your truth or you go to talk about things, even if it's just about something randomly, that other person automatically thinks that you're arguing with them, even though you're not. You're just talking about how you feel or bringing up a point or a counterpoint about what have you. But a lot of people don't know how to communicate. So many of us are in relationships where we feel unheard, we feel unseen, and we feel as though we can't be honest about our feelings.

1:08 I think also a lot of times when we can't communicate with people or it seems to have a communication breakdown, we don't really feel that good about that relationship or we're constantly kind of seeing the relationship and the problems with it because it's glaringly obvious. Some of us are actually working on the communication where we're working on the way that we deliver or the way that we communicate or our cadence even or just the sound of our tone if we can regulate that maybe the other person will be like more well open to listen to what we're having to say but again we can't change that other person we can do all the work in the world and that person could still feel like you're arguing with them I feel like when we're not able to talk our truth or bring up how we feel in life, we don't really feel safe in that relationship. We kind of feel like, well, it's pretty surfacy. I can talk about certain things, but I can't talk about other things, which leaves this kind of weird kind of hole within the relationship. I also found that because of that, many of us don't like to deal with conflict. We don't want conflict. And we get conflict with other people when we either try to put out our truth, we try to discuss how we feel, or we're not able to understand how somebody else feels. So we feel like they're attacking us. Also, I found too that humans are really good about changing their mood on a dime. They can change how they feel. They can change how they show up.

2:33 They can react completely different to you than they reacted the last time you saw them. And that can be really jarring, too, because one of the things that's really tough is when people are constantly changing how that you are able to show up in that relationship and how do you deal with the day-to-day of those types of relationships. I've had many clients say, well, you know, one day everything's good, the next day it's not, or maybe even one hour things are okay, but then the next hour it's not. And so because of those mood changes that can happen no matter what, because us humans have a lot going on, right? We have a lot of outside stresses, inner dialogue, inner stresses, inner problems, relationship issues, family dynamic issues, marital issues, issues with the children, all these things. Some of us are caretaking for our older family members. And it feels like dogs just step up to the plate with many of these attributes that we're looking for in either a family member, a mate, you know, a marriage partner, or a great friend. We can definitely learn from them and they can change our lives. We can also use the positive aspects of our relationship with our dog to actually help us with our human experiences. It just takes time and innovation. And I find it interesting because I feel if we can just focus on what the dog and our relationship looks like, see those positive aspects, we can probably try to put those into our human relationships.

4:06 So I ask you the question, do you prefer your dog's company to people? And I think that many of you that say yes say, hey, my dog is consistent. My dog is consistent. Dogs are consistent. Humans are not. In order to be more consistent, you have to process your emotions. In order to be more consistent, you have to be able to see your own reality. And also, as humans, we have to make sure that we're not projecting our reality on other people and believing that it's the other people's situation. See, it's very interesting. We have all these dynamics, right, where many of us are in relationships where the person is not seeing who they truly are, not seeing their truth, projecting their anger, fear, or aggression upon us. And I feel like some people say, oh, well, dogs are more predictable. And so that makes them, you know, better, you know, kind of soulmate situation. I don't like the word predictable. I think consistency is a better word than predictability because consistency means, hey, I'm showing up the same as much as I can day after day. If you have a consistent friend or family member that's consistently good, hold on. Because that's somebody that you need in your life.

5:25 I work every day to be consistent. I work every day to consistently be on the same level, the same emotion. And it comes eventually over time, this becomes second nature. Like I'm not over there thinking about it. It's just everybody says, hey, Ashley, you're consistently right there. You're consistently boom. We don't have to worry about like walking in and you have an anger or a tantrum or an issue or this or that. Because The only way to really work on that consistency is to know how you're feeling. Understand if you are having a negative day, where is this coming from? If you are having a negative day, recalibrate. How do you recalibrate? These are things that need to be done. And so it's interesting because the human, humans augment and change like the wind a lot of times based on their feelings, their depression, anxiety, stress. Outside stressors, inside stressors, work, marriage, children, everything. So it's interesting because that is one factor that the dog is not dealing with is all these extenuating circumstances. And if a dog is treated well and in a good environment where they are taken care of, they have food, water, necessity, places to sleep, exercise, this is a well-rounded dog. And so I understand that humans have to deal with a lot more.

6:48 I get that. And so I'm not saying, oh, we should all just give up everything and just be the dog. That's not what I'm talking about. But I am saying that the dog shows up consistently, consistently the same day after day. You know that when they wake up, they're going to be happy to see you. You know that when you get home from work, they're going to be happy to see you. You know that they're going to want to go on a walk with you. You know they're going to be happy to do that. And you know that if they're not acting that way for the most part, they might be sick. They need to go to the vet. They've gotten hurt somehow. And so it's very easy to say, okay, she's not acting like herself. He's not acting like himself. I need to get some help. The problem is, is that when we're dealing with humans, a lot of times, well, we feel like someone's not acting like themselves, but it's not that clear cut. There's a lot of changes. We've seen that pattern before. Many of us are dealing with people that are hot and cold.

7:42 You know, it's about black and white. Maybe one day, you know, you're the best in the world and the next day you're just not. And that's hard. And the expectations that we put on our relationships and the expectations that other people put on our relationships as well. And this is interesting because when we have all those ups and downs, we have to kind of look at it and say, okay, I might not be able to change my family members or my spouse or my friends, but I can begin to look at myself. Where can I regulate myself? What is creating these ups and downs in my life? Am I dealing with drama or trauma? Am I dealing with somebody that's bringing it to my life and I'm trying to process it and not doing a very good job of it? Am I creating drama and trauma in my own life that I need to step back from and see? So we have to look at that because if you're coming in hot and cold all the time and Why are we coming in hot and cold all the time? It's good. I like to be like lukewarm in the situation. I'm in the middle. And I like to stay that way because I'm able to regulate my emotions. It would be like, think about being manic, right? Manic, you're very, very high, extremely high, very, very low, extremely low.

8:59 We have to look at that as our benchmark. If we're being anywhere near manic... Or depression. And I understand those are real situations. I'm just saying we need to look and lock in and see, am I feeling this way? Why am I feeling this way right now? Is this honest to me? Is this truthful to me? Is this a healthy dynamic? Do I need to step back and understand what's really impacting my life right now? You know, dogs are better empaths than humans. They just are. Seriously, dogs are better empaths than humans. They are. They're built that way. They might not always understand what you're saying, but they're going to listen to you. Humans tend to be more self-centered. They're more encompassed in their day-to-day drama and their own issues. And they're not normally listening as much as they need to to understand what you're going through.

9:55 Dogs can feel when you're not feeling good. They can feel when you're stressed. They can feel when you're upset. and they're there and they'll listen humans can do the same thing too for sure but not all humans have the same empathy if you thought about empathy dogs have the highest level of empathy and then you have a lot of humans that do have empathy But then you have a lot of humans that have zero empathy. It's like a sliding scale. You have humans that have zero and you have some that are 100%. Dogs seem to have empathy across the board. And empathy is one of the things that we need to be able to have relationships with people that are healthy. Empathy is something that we need to be able to see other people's plights.

10:42 Empathy is what helps us to stay together and to care for somebody and to lift them up. When they're not doing well. I am an empath. And like many of my listeners, you're an empath. And many of you don't realize that being an empath is a superpower. However, empathy is a superpower can be weaponized by certain people who are not healthy. They can use our empathy against us. And they can do this really easily. Because when somebody has empathy, so for example, if you're a very empathic person that cares for people and wants the best for people, and you can feel for their pain and you feel their trauma and you want to help them, that's admirable.

11:28 There are some people that will take advantage of your empathy by making up lies in different types of conversations. They'll tell you stories that aren't real. They might augment their past to make you feel sorry for them. And in the process of you feeling sorry or bad for them, they begin to manipulate and try to control you. And the problem with some people out there is that some people are actually doing this on purpose. I will tell you there's a lot of people that are on autopilot and they're not doing this on purpose. They just don't know, which is even kind of weird. I think that's even worse.

12:08 I mean, I would hate for somebody to be malignant and actually doing it to me, but at least for a fact, you know that this person's doing it and they're well aware of them doing it. One of the scariest things is being around somebody that has no idea of themselves or their actions and they actually don't even realize how they impact other people. That's scary. That's somebody I don't want to be around because at any moment you can be collateral damage. They're not thinking about you. They're only thinking about themselves. And even when they're thinking about themselves, they're in like a fog of non-reality that they don't even know what's going on. And think about this. As an empathic person, you give and care, and many of you give and care more than you've ever gotten back.

12:51 And you're not thinking about that. That's not part of your reality. But we need to be careful and safeguard ourselves from having our empathy weaponized against us. Now, I'm not saying there's not good people out there. There are some really good people out there, and we need to be open to meeting good people. And the only way to meet good people is to meet lots of different people. It takes time. It's a numbers game. It's kind of like dating, right? Some people go, well, I just now got on the dating site for the first time since I got divorced, and that first person, well, I just don't know. I think I'm going to shut down my app. I don't think I can handle this again. Okay, well, you just tried one time. First time out of the bag didn't work. I mean, you have to admit it's a numbers game. The first person you meet is not going to be your best friend. The first person you meet is not going to be your spouse. You've got to go through the numbers. You've got to keep working at it, trying it out, testing it out, meeting people.

13:43 And you'll learn, oh, hey, I really like this person's this or that. Or, hey, I'm not really into that. Or I could see that person as being a friend or I could see whatever. That's great. But you got to put yourself out there. And I think when we put ourselves out there, you know, it's so important because you know what? That's a big deal. We're realizing, hey, I know that I got to put myself out there. I know that I got to put more out there to find other people. And many of you are stuck within relationships that are not positive. They're not healthy for you right now. And they're not adding to your quality of life. And I get it. But we need to be able to look at these relationships honestly. Look at the relationships that are really, really working. Which ones are those?

14:28 Catch it. See it for what it is. Which are the ones that aren't working at all? Which are the ones that you really feel like you cannot even speak your truth at all? Like anytime you try to have a deep conversation, it goes nowhere. Start analyzing that. Are there some things that we can change within ourselves to see if we can make those circumstances change? And that's what I do. Because we can't change anybody. We can't, oh, let me try to change other people. Because honestly, changing other people is futile. Working to change someone else is not going to work. They have to change themselves. And I know that many of you say, well, if I give enough love, if I do enough of this, if I reach out enough, if I care enough, if I do this, maybe they'll come around. Again, they have to want to do it. And that's something that's really hard to find. There's a lot of people that want change, but very few people that want to do anything about it. And, you know, I think one of the biggest things too is that when we're dealing with our relationships with other people, we love them, we care about them, we're doing our thing, but we have to be, we have to be the leader.

15:44 I know that we all want change, but in order to get change, we actually have to change first. You have to jump into the leadership position to get the best out of your relationships. If you're the one that's empathic, aware, working on self-awareness, creating this sense of not only, hey, I can see where I'm at, I understand what I'm doing, but I also understand the situation and I see it clearly, not the way I want to see it, but the way that it is. And one of the things that I've realized is that we as humans can work on unconditional love and unconditional love for other humans will change the situation and the trajectory of our planet. Dogs understand unconditional love better than anybody else because that's all they provide.

16:32 Dogs do not provide various levels of love. They're not over there saying, well, you know, you didn't do that yesterday, so I'm not going to talk to you today. And the thing is, is that dogs are innately unconditional. That's why it angers me so much when somebody hurts an animal, hurts a dog, because it is pathetic. It's pathetic. Somebody that abuses animals is one of the most pathetic person on the planet. And they have psychological issues and they have real, real deep issues that need to be looked at in a hospital. But these people are not good people to take advantage of an innocent, innocent soul. So let's talk about unconditional love. What does that look like?

17:19 Many of you have never been around it. You don't even know what it looks like. You weren't around it when you were growing up. I mean, many of us, like we were definitely brought up in a household of condition. I mean, how many of you were raised in a family where it was all conditional? Do you know what that means? Okay, so let me give you an example. I remember growing up in my family dynamic, and I love both of my parents, don't get me wrong. However, I remember growing up and it was all about what have I done? What are my grades? How do my grades look? Where am I at at school? What did I do? Did I get the track team? How did I do in track? How did I do in cross country? Did I get the National Honor Society? Did you get this?

18:02 Did you get that? How was debate? Did you win that tournament? It was about what I had done, what I had done lately for most of it. And I remember when I didn't do something right to some degree, that was a problem. And there was attention taken away or maybe passive-aggressive behavior or the silent treatment. And I don't get angry now because I know that that was part of other people's upbringing. It was very conditional, and that's all they knew. As long as you do this or that, you get those grades, you get A's, you got on the football team, you got on the track team, you got on the baseball team, you became a cheerleader. Okay, everything's great. Mom and dad's going to give you all this attention and all this love and buy you all these things because of the concept of this conditional love. Now, remember, there's a big difference between conditional love and unconditional love, and these are things that have to be thought about.

18:58 These are two different things. You can't have one with the other. So in order to become somebody that's unconditionally loving other people, in order to do that, you have to let go of the conditions. And the only way you can begin to let go of the conditions is to let go of the conditioning in your own mind, in your own head, in your own heart that were established by your parent dynamic. Any of you that were not raised in a conditional environment knows exactly because you didn't have that condition put on you. They loved you no matter what. Even if you got C's and D's, they might have been hard on you, but they still loved you. There was no favorites in the house. There was no favorites in the house. No favorites. And so that's something to really think about, too. There was no favoritism.

19:46 And without having favoritism, that's a big sign. Many of you were in conditional environments and there was a brother or sister that got more attention than you. And this is definitely conditional love. If you were raised by a family member that is narcissistic in nature, you know that many of us had the favorite dynamic. There was a favorite where brother or sister, older brother, older sister got all the attention. Well, maybe you didn't. Maybe you were the favorite. These are things to think about. But again, if there's a favorite within the family dynamic, that's definitely based in conditional love. So many of us were raised in the family environment that only had conditional love. We were raised thinking that that's the way you love somebody.

20:34 We came into our own relationships believing that's the case. We did that with our own kids, and now we're having to reformulate the plan and realize that is not how we're supposed to do this. The dog actually teaches us this. The dog teaches that the only way to love somebody is unconditionally. Conditional love does not work. Because if you're actually loving somebody based on conditions, you don't actually love them at all. And the thing is, the big difference we want to talk about here is, no, it's not OK for people to do crazy things. No, it's not OK for people to be mean and to do spiteful things. I do not like that. I'm not going to give them attention when they are doing that. However, when you love somebody unconditionally, it's not because you're it's not you allowing them to do things. So remember this.

21:21 If you love somebody unconditionally, it's not like you're allowing bad behavior. That's that's not at all the case. You're seeing the bad behavior. You're aware of it. You're not co-signing on it, but you're not just taking away the love because of that. And you can love somebody without respecting them at all. You can unconditionally love somebody and still not have an ounce of respect for them because of the choices they make, if that makes sense to you. So you need to really think about that. You can definitely love with no respect. So the dog actually helps us with the unconditional love piece. The dog helps us understand unconditional love and how we can strive for it as humans. This is very important because remember, people didn't get it growing up. You didn't get it growing up.

22:07 Many of you didn't. I would say at least 80% of you that are listening to this podcast right now did not get unconditional love from your parents. Because remember, they didn't even know how to get it or give it because they didn't get it. You know, back in the day, nobody was giving unconditional love a lot because they didn't know. Nobody was teaching this. Nobody was saying, hey guys, this is how we do it. Not until recently have we all been talking about this stuff and opening up about our feelings and our truth. And when you don't know what it is, you can't get somebody to do it. It's like growing up, it's like when somebody says, you can't do that for a living, you'll never make any money. Okay, that's horrible for a parent to say, but I'm sure their mom or dad said the same thing. They never thought about it. They just knew, hey, we grew up in a tough time. Money was hard.

22:48 You got to find something that you can do to make money. Otherwise, you're not going to survive. And I think that's where we all kind of come with this concept. The other thing is, is that we have to see where we're judging situations and We have to see where we are judging ourselves because many of us are not even unconditionally loving ourselves. And I'm not talking about narcissistic love. So think about this. When I talk about unconditional love and loving yourself, it is not about being narcissistic and self-centered. It's actually quite the opposite. It's about working on understanding yourself, your shortcomings, and being able to accept those shortcomings and working on them to be better, but not judging yourself adversely as you work on them. Narcissistic self-love is so different.

23:32 It's like you have all these problems and all these issues. You wear all these masks, but yet you're better than everybody else. That's a very big difference than what I'm talking about. And when you think about this and we get into the situation, we must first love ourselves correctly before we can actually love someone else correctly. If I don't love myself right, if I'm conditionally loving myself and everything is about condition and what I've done lately and, oh, well, you know, hey, I got that video on YouTube that hit a million views. That's amazing. But then the next one only hit like 500 views. What the hell is going on? I'm going to start judging myself on all these things. If I'm writing this or I'm doing this and I'm working on this project and I'm having some of these issues and roadblocks, then what do I do?

24:12 These are the things that we have to really think about. And we have to accept some of the freaking short-term issues that we have, but not actually beat ourselves up and say, hey, I still love myself. Even if this doesn't happen, or even if I have to go through these trials and tribulations, I'm still going to love myself and understand why I'm going through these trials and tribulations, even if these trials and tribulations seem really quite just negative and evil, and you don't even know where they're coming from. It's being able to see it and understanding, okay, that is not based on me. I'm doing my best. I'm showing up in the right way. I'm working on self-love. I'm understanding where I'm judging myself negatively. I'm understanding where I'm persecuting myself. I'm beginning to see why I'm doing that.

24:53 And then I'm processing that persecution. I'm processing that self-judgment. Okay, these are very important things. We have to recognize the negative self-talk. And we need to overcome the negative self-talk, but we have to understand that. And this is what I teach my clients to do. So I'm not going to go into all this on the podcast, but I can help you go through this and walk through this because I've created an entire process 20 years ago of how to do this, more than 20 years ago. And so I can help you walk through that, but you have to be able to identify that there's a lot of judgments you're holding on to, personal judgments. You're holding on to negativity that other people have placed on you. You're holding on to negativity that even your parents might have placed on you or labels that don't really apply to you. And these are the things that I can help you to deal with and go through it and understand them. And as we go through that process, you become judging less and less and less of yourself. And so as you begin to judge yourself less and less, you begin to develop more and more unconditional love for yourself.

25:51 So unconditional love has to start with you. And I think this is one of the things that the dog really helps us to understand. This is the concept from A to B of why you really love your dog more than other humans. Because your dog actually loves you. Like really, for real, not like BS. Your dog actually loves you for you. Your dog loves you for who you are, not who they want you to be or the money they want you to have or the attention they want you to give them. Very different. Very different. Very separate. And once we begin to see this reality, we are able to then bring that into our life. Use that. Train ourselves from them to understand who we can be and how we can be better. And so this is one of the biggest things that I've been working on lately for the last five, six years. And it's something I don't talk about a lot because this is something I work on with my clients day to day.

26:44 This is something that is a life-changing situation. If you want to change your life, this is what you want to listen to. We can talk about narcissism all day. We can talk about borderline personality all day. We can talk about all the cluster B dynamics, and that's fine. And I think we all need to understand them completely. But we need to understand how to recognize self-judgment, how to become more self-aware, and how to understand where we stand. And this is all based in the concept of developing unconditional love. And the only way to understand that is, well, recognizing it when you see it being given. Many of you have dogs in your house. You can see this on a daily basis. So let's begin to move into that direction. So I want you to think about it. You know, when you're thinking about people that you spend time with, are these people that you're bringing joy into their life? Are these people that you can communicate healthy?

27:32 Are these people that are judging you? Are these people loving you for who you are? Are you loving them for who they are? Or is there some judgment there? Is there like this kind of, you know, situation where you are conditionally loving somebody and not really conditionally taking care of them? You're really conditionally conditioning. And the thing is, is that many of us are in relationships that are completely conditional. It's all about what have you done for me lately? And if you're not doing something, then things change, things augment, and the relationship begins to wane. And so you need to look at that. And it's not just one side. It's not just they're doing this to me. Usually we have to look at both sides because if somebody is coming from an unconditional love place, they're giving you unconditional love. And if they're not getting that back, that's definitely a struggle for that person. I also feel, too, that the only way that you can give unconditional love is to love yourself unconditionally. Because if you're conditionally loving yourself, how are you going to change that with other people?

28:26 It doesn't work that way. You have to walk the walk, talk the walk, do it. There's no pretending. There's no faking it till you make it. This is like reality. We got to work on this for real. And then we can extend this into our relationships. our marriage, our family, our parents, our kids, the list goes on. And we can become more well-rounded people based in more empathy and love and support than the other way around. If you haven't already, check out the YouTube channel. Check it out. We put out a couple of videos each week on YouTube. Some of them are short. Some of them are long. Also, if you'd like to work with me, go to ashleyburgess.com. Click on the coaching section and set up a time. I'm here. And, you know, one of the biggest things is once we understand these types of concepts and we take these concepts and put them into our own life, we change and our life becomes better. I hope that this podcast is connected with you. Please share this podcast with anybody that you know loves a dog, has a dog, just loves dogs in general. And anybody that you've heard that says, I love dogs more than people, please share this with them because I know that they'd like to hear it. In the meantime, thank you for tuning in to the Ashley Burgess podcast. And like I always used to say, don't forget to live your true life.