Nov. 19, 2025

How to Survive that Toxic Family Member this Holiday Season [Ep.807]

Show Notes
Transcript

Do the holidays make you anxious because of one or several toxic family member who always stir things up? This episode is your guide to taking your power and peace back. I'm breaking down how to use the Yellow Rock method to stay calm, how to avoid getting triggered, and how to redirect conversations without revealing personal information that can be used against you. You’ll learn how to set boundaries, manage emotional triggers, know when to walk away, and leave the gathering on a high note. These powerful tools will help protect your energy, enjoy the people who actually support you, and reclaim a joyful holiday experience.
#narcissism #narcissistic #narcissist #toxicrelationships #holiday #gaslighting #manipulation #greyrock #control #yellowrock #podcast #christmas #thanksgiving #familydynamic

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You're in a good place now. You are listening to

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Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Welcome back live to the Ashley

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Burgess Podcast. Are you looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas

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with your family and going to dinner and having all

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this holiday cheer or is it quite the opposite. Are

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you dreading that one family member or that family member's

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spouse that's just really toxic. Is there a specific family

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member that makes you feel uncomfortable? Is every year an issue?

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Do they seem to go out of their way to

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make you feel upset, to insult you, maybe to question you,

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or to be little or put you down. Do you

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seem to feel like every time you come into contact

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with them, they have like the zinger preloaded, Right, It's preloaded,

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and you're sweating, literally sweating the next encounter that you

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have with this person. If that's true, you'll want to

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listen to this podcast. You'll want to memorize this pot.

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You'll want to soak up all the energy and all

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the information to safeguard yourself like never before. It's time

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to take your holiday back. It's time to enjoy the

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people you want to be around and to ice out

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the ones that you don't. So let's talk about this

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in today's podcast. I will give you the tools, the

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techniques in order to safeguard yourself from this particular family

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member or a couple of different family members, because we

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owe it to ourselves to actually enjoy our holidays and

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to be able to find the silver lining and some

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of these opportunities. So the first thing that I want

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to talk about in today's podcast is putting up an

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invisible barrier. Putting up an invisible barrier. And when I

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say invisible, I mean invisible because we don't want anybody

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else seeing it, really right, we don't want anybody else

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seeing it and understanding what we're doing. We want to be,

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you know, undercover in a way. And if you have

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this invisible barrier and you understand how to create it,

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it works really well. Okay, So the invisible barrier is

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what I call the yellow rock. We've all heard about

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gray rocking where we say very little because we don't

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want the narcissists to take advantage of what we say.

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We don't bring up things from our past that upset us.

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We don't bring up current things that are really challenging

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for us. But that's fine. But you can see black

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rock kind of activity from a mile away. I mean

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you kind of look like, you know, kind of upset,

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kind of you know, you just look really you know,

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I'm up for anything. Don't try to mess with me.

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You know, we don't want to look like that and

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act like that during the holiday season, especially with other

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people around that we actually care about. So we don't

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want to go in with that energy. We want to

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go in with more lucid, kind of cool energy. And

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that's what I call yellow rock. So yellow rock means

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you're being yourself. You know, you're all around fun, you're

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a good person, but you're cordial to everybody. You know,

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you're cordial, You're nice. But remember, yellow rock means the

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less words, the better. You don't need to have a

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lot of words and things. You don't need to talk

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about a lot of things. Less is better, right x

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nay on the personal stuff, Okay, don't talk about the

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personal stuff. You don't need to bring up your personal stuff. Heck,

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it's Thanksgiving dinner or it's Christmas dinner, you don't need

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to bring it up, right, We don't need to. We're

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here to celebrate that type of event right now. And

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that's what we're here for. So I really want you

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to not respond to like a lot of personal questions

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as somebody does. Remember we can turn the focus back

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to them. So if that person that triggers us, and

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we know, if we say something that's going on about

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our personal life, they're going to use it against us.

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They're going to tell all the other family all that

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kind of stuff. Okay, if that's happening, remember you can

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just turn the focus back over to them. Everybody likes

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to talk about themselves, okay, and so especially narcissistic people,

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malignant narcissists even covert even though they're sneaky about it.

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Oh I'm all about the people. I'm all about other people.

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I don't want to be in the limelight. No they do.

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So turn it back around, like right when they ask

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your personal question, Oh hey, it's just that'll take hours.

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How have you been doing, what's going on with you?

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What are you working on? You know, those types of things,

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and really turn it around, not like a rapid fire turnaround,

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but really like you're actually generally interested in what they

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want or what they want to talk about. Because remember,

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if you can get them focused on themselves and not

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focused on you. That is a win win because you

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don't need to be sharing your personal information with this

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particular individual anyway. The next thing that I advocate and

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I want you to remember first off, that the concept

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of the trigger, trigger is a bad word. To be

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triggered sucks. And trigger to me is that four letter

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or trigger. You know, it's not four letters, but it

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feels like it. Because when we get triggered, bad things happen.

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When we get triggered, we act out right. When we

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get triggered. We're not really focused on, you know, our

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composure or what we're saying, or how we're being perceived

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in this moment. We're just straight up triggered, right, and

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we're respon in that matter. So don't let them trigger you.

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And I know you might say, oh, well that's easier

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said than don Ashley, and I get that. But there's

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some ways of being sure that there's less of a

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chance to be triggered. And one of those ways is

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don't drink, just don't, okay. Another is like no drugs,

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like you know, you don't need to do that, Like

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no drugs, no alcohol. Get some sleep before you get there,

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like sleep that night before, Like make sure that you're

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well rested, you're in the right frame of mind, okay,

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because if you're not, you are definitely more susceptible to

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somebody triggering you. Because remember, if you don't have control

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of your faculties, if you've had a few to drink

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and you're kind of tipsy, you're not expecting, you're not

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able to safeguard yourself because you don't have all your faculties. Okay,

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that's one of the main things to really remember here.

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This is very important. So don't let them trigger you.

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So remember no alcohol, no drugs, get some sleep before

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and you know, I really advocate for a really clean

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life anyway, because I think that, you know, it's really

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important to have a clean life. It's really important to

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live a clean life because the cleaner life you live,

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the less toxicity you have in your life, the less

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toxic relationships you have in your life, the less things

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that can come at you randomly and hurt you, you know,

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or take over because you're able to see things clearly.

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Most toxic relationships, you know, it's two people normally having

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issues with each other, but also there's also this personal

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stuff in the background that's allowing them to be more triggered.

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And that's something that I want you to think about,

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so be prepared. So when you are clear headed, you

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are more prepared for them to launch their grenade. Okay,

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let them launch it. Let them launch it. You don't

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have to stop them. I want you to just see

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it for what it is. I want you to see

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the way they play their game. Okay, these people are

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big time game players. Let them. Let them launch the grenade.

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Step back, let it hit the ground. And the funniest

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thing is if you cannot get triggered is to basically

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ignore them all together with that grenade. They drop the

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grenade and you go, okay, I'm gonna go grab some dip.

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I'm gonna go say hi to Uncle John over here.

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This is great. Ignore them or just laugh, you know,

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just laugh as if this is a funny joke. Now

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I'm not saying about over the top crazy heckling, laughing

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like some deranged person, okay, but just like a quick

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laugh and hey, that's funny, you know, and just walk

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on by, or talk to someone else, or engage another

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person in a conversation. This person will stop, okay. And

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also when you allow that grenade to get launched and

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other people are there, most people start picking up on it, right. See,

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the thing is is that you get triggered by the

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grenade normal and everybody just picks up on the way

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you're acting. Wow, they were really out of hand the

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other night. Man. It's like every single holiday we see,

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you know, Jeff lose it. Well, Jeff's losing it because

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so and so over there is constantly lobbing another situation,

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triggering up to the point where he doesn't know how

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to handle it. Right. But if you let him lob

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it out, there no big deal. You let you watch

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it hit the ground and you go, okay, well that's great,

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and literally engage with other people. All of a sudden

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the stuff that they're doing. The stuff that they're doing

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is seen by other people, and that's where we begin

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to end this self because they've been doing it kind

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of behind closed doors where they say something, you know,

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like angry and mean or insidious and they go you know,

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and then you go, I can't believe this, and you

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lose it and everybody looks at you like you're the ass.

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When in general they never see the situation of what happens.

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So if you let them lob out that little issue.

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You throw it out there, you laugh, you bring other

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people in, you talk, You actually ignore it. All of

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a sudden, people begin to kind of look at that

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person in a different light, and they begin to analyze

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situations more than ever because you're no longer being triggered

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by it. And it seems very out of place. Right.

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Everybody's having a good time or enjoying, you know, each

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other's company, but this person seems to be saying some

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really odd things. Now this is something that seems quite easy,

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I'm sure, but it's something that many of you forget,

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especially when everything's happening and you're trying to fit in

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and you're trying to, like, you know, be aware of

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that person, and you're trying not to get triggered, and

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you're not drinking and all that stuff. You know, you're

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thinking about all these different things. I need you to remember.

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Never to sit next to them. Never choose to sit

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next to this person that triggers you don't because remember

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that's perfect for them, because they can whisper in your ear,

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they can make comments, all this stuff kind of shrouded

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in darkness where other people can't see it. You want

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it to be like they have to literally yell across

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the table to make a comment to you. Okay, And

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I advise that. So if they try to sit next

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to you, just get up, just get up, move around.

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Or if you have a person in the family dynamic

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that you trust, have them run interference. Quietly tell them

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prior to the event. Hey, I don't want to sit

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next to so and so. This doesn't work for me.

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You know, I don't like to hear whatever the zingers

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or the triggers or the politics or whatever. I don't

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want to deal with it. This is not what I

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want to deal with at this dinner. Okay, So have

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that trusted person run interference. If you have no allies, okay,

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and that's tough, just get up a lot, stand a lot,

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move around a lot, Engage with other people a lot,

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you know, in the family dynamic, talk to others, get up,

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take a bathroom break, you know, grab some water, you know,

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whatever it is that you need to do, take a

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phone call, whatever you need to do to get up

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and move around. And you know, most people during these typs, though,

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they'll move around. And if not, you know, and you're

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having to sit next to them, just pivot your chair.

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You know, don't really pay attention to them. If they're talking,

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don't really listen to them. Don't give them any satisfaction. Right,

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don't give them any satisfaction. This is a big deal.

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Don't give them any more energy than you need to Remember,

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the more energy you give them, the more they thrive

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off this, because they thrive off this energy. The next

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thing that I want you to do is I want

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you to know your exit time. I want you to

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stick to it. I want you to know your exit

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time prior to your arrival. I want you to know it.

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I want you to get a good idea of when

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you want to leave. I want you to really think

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about that. I want you to know it. I want

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you to stick with it, even if things are going well. Okay,

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remember that, even if things are going well, I want

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you to leave on a high note. I want you

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to be that George Costanza. Anybody that's watched Seinfeld knows

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that George an episode where George constantly leaves on a

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high note. Everybody's waiting and wanting more. He's leaving with

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wanting Everybody's like, oh, I just want more of George.

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That's what I want you to be. That's where I

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want you to be at in this holiday and from

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everyone after that, because it's about leaving on a high note.

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It's about having a good feeling. It's about feeling good

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about being there and not having some crazy thing happen

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towards the end that you're like, oh my gosh. It's

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about leaving on a high note. Leaving on a high note,

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feeling good, others are feeling good. You know you've left.

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You didn't get triggered this time, and we have a

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good image of this situation in our head instead of

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another negative image from every other holiday. Okay, the next step,

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I want you to put the day or the evening

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or the morning in perspective, right. It's all about perspective,

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because it really is. It's all about your personal perspective.

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Your personal perspective creates your reality. Right. And so there's

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only a few hours in this event. You'll be out

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of there soon. I want you to have something to

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look forward to afterwards when you leave, and we can

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be happy with the family that we get along with.

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We can have that connection with the family we get

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along with and spend quality time with them. That's a

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good thing. So there's gonna be people at the dinner

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or at the lunch or at the breakfast that you're

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really happy to see, and you're gonna spend time with this,

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and so I want you to use your time wisely

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with these particular folks. Right there might be that one

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person that you're just like, oh, but I want you

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to really think about it. Okay, yeah, I got that person.

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I can't stand that's constantly triggering me and saying some negative,

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nasty things. But you know what, I can just change

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my energy and see like my aunts or my uncles

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or my mom or my dad or am I sister

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or my brother or whoever I really want to see

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and spend some quality time with them, because you have

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it right now. We want to use our time wisely

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talking to your aging relatives, having good experiencing, making the

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most of your moment. It's the moment, it's the present moment.

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It's a present, it's a gift. We get this gift

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to be with these people. Don't let that get out

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of don't let that go away, because there are people

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there that you do want to spend time with, and

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you owe it to yourself to spend time with those

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folks that you really want to see and I think

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it's so powerful and it's so important to do that. Now,

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I have one caveat. If your entire family is a

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problem and everybody in your family is basically toxic, you know, narcissism,

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malignant narcissist, covert narcisis sociopathic, anti social people, whatever that

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looks like combination of all. If that's what you're dealing with,

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I advise you to start this year with a new

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tradition of doing a friends giving or a friend's Christmas

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where you can spend time with your friends. Because for

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many of you, if you are dealing with a family

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dynamic that is super toxic, is it even worth interacting

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with it? I mean, do you have to do that

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to yourself? And that is one caveat. Does I know

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that some of you say, hey, I'm going through this

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or that, or you know, my family is really challenging,

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or it's really hard for me to even get along

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with one person in my family, then you might want

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to think about that. You know, I'm not asking anybody

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to go into a negative situation that is really just

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really negative, and that's not something that we want to

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do in our life. However, for many of you. It's

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that one or two family members or people that married

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into the family that you don't really get along with,

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and that's fine. There's others to spend time with, and

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you just need to figure that out because in life,

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we're always going to have people that we really enjoy,

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and we're going to have people that don't understand us,

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and people that try to cut us down or try

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to hurt us. And in the process, let's try to

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enjoy the time we have with those people that are

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there for us, that do have our back, and so

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think about that. Remember, these are some techniques that can

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be used in any situation as well. You know, if

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you're at a work function, you know, if you're at

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a different events. These are things that are very important

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to think about, you know, because we none of us

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want to be triggered. None of us want to be

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triggered in a situation, and it's very important to us

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to acknowledge that this person's doing it, be honest about it,

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and then ultimately safeguard ourselves from these situations from happening.

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I hope that this podcast has helped you. Please share

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it with anybody that you know is going to be

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dealing with you know a challenging holiday season. Check out

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our YouTube channel too. Go to Ashley Burgess, Ashley B.

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E er Ges or life Coach Ashley Burgess and check

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out the latest videos that we put up there on YouTube.

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If you'd like to set up a meeting with me,

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a counseling session or a coaching session, please reach out

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on Ashleyburgess dot com. Just click on coaching sessions and

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set up an apployment right there online. Looking forward to

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meeting you. So just remember you can control this. You

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are in control of your own destiny. As long as

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you know it, you're in control. I hope that this

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podcast has helped you. I look forward to next week

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podcasts and don't forget to live your true life. And

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you've been listening to the Ashley Burgess podcast, have an

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excellent day,