How to Identify Narcissistic Retaliation and Recognize Their Playbook [Ep.749]

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You're in a good place now.
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back live to Literatue Life Perspectives, and I'm your host, Ashley

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Burgess. On today's show, I'm
identifying when the narcissist has actually crossed the

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line. I know that we talk
about narcissism and we throw these words around,

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and it's one thing to have a
few traits of a narcissist. I

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think a lot of people have maybe
one trade or two traits. But really

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we need to understand when someone has
crossed that line and what we need to

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safeguard ourselves. And you know,
I don't like throwing this word around because

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I think that you know, we
all have our own personalities, we all

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have our own distinctions, we have
the things that we do, we have

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some certain traits. But this is
very important because you need to know when

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things have really scaled up in a
position that's not going to be healthy for

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you. And in today's shaw,
I really want to identify some of those

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indications to know when they've crossed the
line and when you need to stand up

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for yourself or at least exit stage
right. You know, the first indication

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that I find that a lot of
people might not see because when you're really

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close, for example, in a
friendship or in a family relationship, there's

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a tendency of not recognizing or seeing
boundaries. There's a tendency of not looking

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at boundaries and seeing do I have
boundaries? Do boundaries exist? Do boundaries

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not exists? Could I have certain
boundaries? Could I create certain healthy boundaries

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in my life to safeguard myself?
And if you've ever been around someone that

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is an extreme narcissist, one of
the things that you will find ultimately is

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that there are no boundaries. They
prefer no boundaries. They don't want to

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have any boundaries. And also there's
the concept of the double standard. And

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both of these are very interesting because
they can have some boundaries with you,

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you know, as far as things
that they won't tell you or discussions and

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conversations that they will fail to discuss
with you. However, it's interesting because

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in the situation they prefer not to
have any boundaries, specifically, you to

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not have any boundaries, any sort
of autonomy, so that they can find

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out as much information as they possibly
can use you and poach you for as

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much information as they possibly can,
and throughout that process getting what they want

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and what they need, leaving you
eventually holding the bag. And so eventually

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this is going to fall apart unless
you continue to allow this person into your

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life, if you want to continue
to allow their types of astrosities in your

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life to continue to fester. And
I know that some of us can deal

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with it for years on end,
but there comes a time with certain people

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where it's just time to end it
because what they want you to do is

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they want to double standard you,
they want to project on you, they

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want to judge you. They don't
have any boundaries, and they want to

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do all that and they want you
to apologize to them to get back into

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their good graces. And quite honestly, it happens all the time, and

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it's a sad state of affairs.
Many people are in these types of relationships

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being used and abused and they don't
even realize it. And many of us

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are not recognizing it because we have
a blind spot to that we were either

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raised by a narcissistic parent, in
a household where narcissism was there, you

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know, dealing with type of situation, and so there's that issue of being

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able to see it. Many of
you may be impaths. There was a

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lot of struggle in the home,
and so you ended up being extremely empathic,

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trying to take care of other people, trying to be there for other

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people, and so sometimes you don't
know the difference between your feelings and emotions

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and someone else. And also you're
very there for that person. Even if

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that person doesn't seem is unable or
doesn't want to have those types of emotions,

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you may actually see them at their
core and feel that those as exist

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in real time. And that can
get an EmPATH into some trouble because they

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can be putting these emotions and feelings
on this other person that this other person

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is not feeling or they don't have
that empathy involved. And so I'm really

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wanting to talk about this situation today
because I've had many clients come to me,

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especially in the middle of divorces,
when the couples are getting divorced and

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they're going back to talk to their
friends, and the next thing you know,

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their friends aren't around. They've taken
sides with other people, they're not

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talking to them, they're not communicating
with them. I've had clients who have

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spoken to their supposedly great friends about
situations in their life, and over a

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period of time, those people have
cut them out, have cut them out,

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have gone silent with them. And
the interesting part about that is that

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all these people want the people that
are actually the victims to come back groveling,

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and a lot of times the victims
do because they miss that connection with

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that person. They missed the relationship
because it's been there for a long time,

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they missed the interaction. But what
I'm advocating in today's show is to

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be really aware of those situations,
because what happens is you keep bringing back

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someone into your home, your inner
sanctum, that doesn't need to be there,

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because they've already shown you multiple situations, in multiple times that they are

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not supposed to be trusted. They
cannot be trusted. It's part of their

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mo it's part of their mo It's
like the idea of a scorpion not you

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know, you know, not hurting
you. It's just the way that that

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animal was made and created that way. It's gonna sting it, it's gonna

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hurt you, you know. It's
it's a very different situation. We can

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say that it's not, but we
can call it instinct. Now, I'm

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not saying that they're completely unconscious of
what they're doing. No, I am

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not saying that. I think that
there is a lot of consciousness there.

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I just don't think that there's enough
self awareness. I think that there's a

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lack of self awareness completely because I
think that if they had awakened to their

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own self awareness and realize what they're
really doing, they would also see themselves

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as actual predators. And some people
might want to be a predator, but

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I would have hope that some people
don't. But again, you have to

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understand, you know, it's about
power for some people, it's about the

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desire of being right, it's about
the desire of not being wrong, you

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know. It's it's all these types
of things that play a role that we

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have to kind of look at and
understand. And these things can go very

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far, you know, so really
looking at the no boundaries. If you're

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in a relationship currently where it seems
like no matter what is happening in your

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life or what you're going through,
apparently that is table talk. That's not

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a good sign. If it feels
like you're putting more of yourself out there

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than anybody else's probably not a good
sign. If somebody's asking you a lot

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of questions about your life and a
lot of deep questions that maybe have you

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feeling a bit uncomfortable, that might
not be a good sign either, because

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remember, somebody that has a lot
of narcissistic traits are going to use all

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that information and at some point use
it against you. And it is quite

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sad because many people have been really, really really taken advantage of because they

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believe that that person was their friend, they believe that that person had their

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back, and you know, quite
honestly, they just didn't. And so

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really looking at the situation and realizing
when someone does not have boundaries, when

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somebody is double standard in it,
because remember it could be we can talk

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about your situation, we can talk
about your emotions, we can talk about

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what you've done wrong, we can
talk about your mistakes in your life,

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but we're not going to talk about
their mistakes or what they've done wrong or

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anything that makes them look anything but
perfect in the eyes of everybody else.

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You know, when it goes back
to that concept of asking a lot of

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questions, you know, and there's
some people out there that ask a lot

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of questions because they're just curious and
interested and they're not going to use it

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against you. But on the other
hand, there are people out there that

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will ask you a lot of questions
to file it away later to end up

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using that against you later on when
it's convenient for them or when they feel

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that you know, they're going to
retaliate against you or use that information to

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sabotage or hurt you. And I
find this very interesting because I have lots

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of clients that are going through this
right now in various situations, with various

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circumstances, and that narcissists could be
a family member that they have confided in,

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a friend, a best friend,
event even a spouse to some degree,

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and we really have to look at
and see the situation and see what's

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really happening in real time to understand
what we're dealing with and to understand the

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severity of what we're dealing with.
And remember, there are consequences on both

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sides, and so the narcissists will
have consequences. Consequences will eventually come to

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them. You know. Unfortunately,
you probably will not see that because you

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will have already moved on. However, things do come around you know,

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things that go around come around the
way that people act. It's very important

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to look at that. It's very
important to understand that, and it's very

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important to see the truth of that. And that's something that you really want

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to think about. One of the
indications that I find too with narcissists that

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they have a tendency of wanting lots
of information from you. They want a

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lot of information from you. They
want a lot of that information so they

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can compile it and use it later
for their own resources. They can also

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use that against you, something that
they could have to turn on you with,

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something that they could have in their
back pocket, so that they can

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bring you down, cut you down
to size later on down the road.

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And that's interesting because sometimes you might
be in a conversation with someone that has

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extreme narcissistic traits and you don't even
realize that, and they're asking you so

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many questions almost rapid fire to a
degree where it can be very very uncomfortable.

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But yet, because this person is
defined as a friend, Because this

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person is defined as a friend to
some degree, you go on and answer

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those questions. You go on and
continue to go down that road a questioning

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even though that might not be what
you want to deal with. And I

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find that very interesting in nature,
I find that very interesting, and I

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think that that's something that we can
often not even realize. It can go

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under our radar or through our radar, and we're not able to see what's

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really happening. I feel that there's
like this disconnect, right. I feel

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like when you're in a true friendship, a friendship that really does have value,

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a friendship that is equal that both
people are constantly giving and receiving.

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And I find that in this dynamic
of this relationship, that person that has

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these tendencies will give very little and
expect a lot. So they will give

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very little in their relationship. They
will offer very little. They will offer

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certain amounts of things, and in
return they expect you to give them everything.

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And that's one of the interesting parts
about this relationship is you can start

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falling into that pattern of believing that
reality. And that's what's so painful,

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especially if you have empathetic empathetic type
situations where you are an impath and you

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can feel feelings and you can interpret
feelings and you have that great ability to

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process emotion. That can get in
your way because that narcissist is looking for

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whatever they can get for themselves when
you're trying to be there all altruistically and

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in the process being taken advantage of. And there comes a time when the

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EmPATH will awake, and when that
happens, you know it's not going to

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work out for the narcissist. But
throughout the process there's gonna be a lot

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of giving and getting little. And
what I've also seen too, is that

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when you're dealing with a true narcissist
in the beginning, it'll start off a

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certain way and it'll slow down.
So you might be getting these things from

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that narcissist. We could even say
maybe a little bit of love bombing,

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that sort of thing, even if
it's a friendship. You know, where

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that person's doating on you, focusing
on you, thinking about you, constantly

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thinking about you, getting you things
whatever that looks like, you know,

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doing things for you, and overtime, that's going to slow down over time,

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that's going to even come to a
screeching halt at some point in time.

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And it's hard to see it because
you're so close to the situation you

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don't really recognize that it's happening.
But people in the background can and if

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you really start looking at things honestly, and that's hard because something we don't

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want to see that it's not something
that you're like, oh wow, I

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really want to identify every narcissist in
my life. I can't wait to see

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that. I mean, this is
not something you want to really see.

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But in reality, it's something that
we need to see and it's something that

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we need to understand. And there's
some people that might it might be okay

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because of the type of personality they
are and the connection that they have to

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you, where it's not you're not
in a long term relationship with them.

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You know, it's not a mother
or father, it's not a best friend.

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And that can work out fine as
long as there is lots of boundaries

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and distance. But if that is
not the case, and this person is

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very close to you, their situation
and this will impact you to some degree,

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and you will have to think about
how far you are willing to be

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impacted with this situation. When I
return to me talking more about some of

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the signs that you need to look
for, because when they have crossed the

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line, they've crossed the line.
And what happens when they crossed the line.

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It's it's not one thing, it's
lots of things. Okay, so

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it's not just one thing. It's
not just pinpoint one thing. Okay,

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this is it, this is it, this is when they cross the line.

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It's like it's no, there's multiple
layers upon layers and actions uplying actions

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that they will take. Also,
if there is a retaliation that is going

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to come, they're going to retaliate
a certain specific way. It's almost like

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a playbook. It's almost like,
Okay, this, this, then that,

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And we're going to talk about the
narcissistic playbook later on, because I

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think this is very interesting because when
you start understanding that, you start understanding

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where you are and what you're dealing
with, and you stop lying to yourself

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at that point because there's no way
of lying to yourself anymore, because they're

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actually going play by play and you're
watching them do this and it's a train

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wreck, but you're watching them do
it. It's so stay tuned. I'll

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be talking more about that, giving
you that information and knowledge you need to

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safeguard yourself in the situation so you
can live at your highest level libature life.

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Perspectives with me. Your host Ashley
Burgess, will be back in I'll

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be back this time in two shakes. Journ it up and jump in the

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deep end on Perspectives. Now here's
Ashley. Welcome back live to Literature Life

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Perspectives, and I'm here host Ashley
Burgess. On today's show. I'm explaining

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when the narcissist has actually crossed the
line. And I know that many of

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us have friends and family and even
ourselves that might have some signs and symptoms

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there here and there, some narcissistic
traits, but we're talking about the true

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narcissist here and later on I'll be
talking about the Narcissis Playbook and really get

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to understand exactly what we're dealing with. But when they've crossed the line,

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there's multiple things that happen, and
we need to be aware because if we're

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not aware, we can't safeguard ourselves. And right before the break, I

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was talking about the concept of no
boundaries. They don't have any boundaries with

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you. Now, they might have
boundaries with you as far as things you

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can't talk about, things you can't
ask them, things that you can't do,

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which we call is double standard,
right, But when it comes to

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your life and what they want to
know about your life, your life needs

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to be an open book, okay, and they need to be able to

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ask you absolutely anything and get the
information that they want. And usually this

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happens in the beginning of the relationship, where you know, you get close

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and y'all are having a really great
connection, and you tell them all these

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things that can be later on used
against you, asking a lot of questions,

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asking a lot of information about their
life, about your life, and

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they're not giving a lot back.
Now, they're not getting at giving a

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lot of information back as well as
you are probably giving them a lot of

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energy, a lot of attention,
and they're also not giving that much back.

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So you have all the stuff going
on all at one time where you're

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getting a limited amount of stuff back. You're also you feel as though you're

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giving all this and getting very little
in return. There's also the concept of

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judgment, and I find that this
is very interesting and something that has to

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be explored, is that a narcissist, no matter what they do, even

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when they do bonehead things, and
they do things that you know about that

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you find out about that you might
not even supposed to find out about or

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you end up finding out about you
don't judge them, but what turns around

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is they will judge you on anything
that they can judge you on. It's

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almost as if they are the judge, jury, and executioner. And some

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of these people's lives are an S
show. Their lives are an S show,

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but they're still judging your life.
And that's what's so messed up about

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the situation is that in their mind, because they are not self aware and

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they have no self awareness, and
they don't realize what they're bringing to the

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table, and they don't see the
part that they play. Because they're in

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this all high and mighty concept of
who they are and what they do,

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they throw out the judgment and they're
judging you while they're doing all this other

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stuff in their life, which is
really really quite messed up. And it's

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not until you get told that they
that they are judging you, or you

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get told you know of this activity, that you begin to realize what's happening.

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Because they will play that game to
get more and more ormation out of

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you, to learn more and more
and more about you so that they can

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at least use that later on down
the road. And that's what's so sad

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about it is that, you know, I know that a lot of you

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out there say, you know,
it's been really challenging for me to have

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a trustworthy relationship. It's been very
challenging for me to trust other people in

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my life. And a lot of
it is because, you know, I

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feel as though, you know,
I have been taken advantage of, or

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I've been lied to you, or
I'm dealing with situations and circumstances that I

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am not happy with, you know, whatever that looks like. But it's

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like when it comes down to making
friends, it can be hard because you

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may have been surrounded by those narcissists
in your life, and those narcissists can

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make things really challenging. Those narcissists
can make you doubt yourself. There's narcissists

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can make you be fearful of trusting
people, and those narcissists will ultimately use

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you. And so I don't want
you to be on complete guard because if

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you're on guard all the time,
it's really hard to live your life.

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If you're on guard all the time, it's really hard to be happy and

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to feel good in your life,
So I am not advocating that, but

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what I am advocating is to be
aware of those people that you're spending time

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with them. We'll talk about the
narcissistic playbook and just a bit how they

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will come out for you at some
point in time if you don't, If

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if y'all don't just break apart and
leave and let each other do their thing,

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they will come after you and retaliate
in their retaliation. There is an

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entire structure that they use, and
we'll talk about that structure because you need

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to know that. But when we
were trying to talk more about some of

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the things that you need to know
about what you're dealing with, how to

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deal with that, how to understand
that, and the narcissistic playbook. If

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you haven't already, please check out
the YouTube channel. Just go to YouTube,

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search up Life Coach Ashley Burgess or
search up Ashley Burgess and we have

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new content up every single day,
so every single day and new video content,

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so check that out. Go on
YouTube, go to Ashley Burgess and

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watch those videos when you get a
chance. Stay tuned Ligature Life Perspectives with

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Meet your host. Ashley Burgess will
be back in I'll be back to this

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time in two shakes. This is
Jake Busey and you're listening to Perspectives with

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Ashley Burges. Welcome back live to
look at two life Perspectives, and I'm

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your host Ashley Burgess. On today's
show, I'm describing when the narcissist has

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crossed the line and how to really
understand what's happening here. And right before

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the break, I was talking about
how they give very little and how they

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make lots of judgments about other people's
lives, and quite honestly, that happens

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all the time because they're completely unself
aware. They have all these things going

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on. They can do no wrong. They see themselves as as high a

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mighty, but they have no self
awareness, so they don't even see how

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they're projecting. They don't see how
they're gas lighting. And I do believe

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that some of it is conscious.
I'm not saying that they're just unconsciously doing

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all this thing and it's not their
fault. It's the plight of the narcissist.

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I'm not throwing that out there.
I'm not taking the side of the

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narcissists on this show. What I'm
saying those. I think there's parts of

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it that they know they're doing,
and parts of it that they don't know

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they're doing, parts of it that
they're lying to themselves about, and parts

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of them that they're projecting. So
they're projecting their life onto you making certain

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judgments as well. It also takes
the heat off of them. So anything

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that they've done, it takes the
heat off if they can find judgment within

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you and use that against you.
And you know, it's interesting because there's

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a lot of impaths out there.
I have a lot of clients who are

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very empathic, and in that process, the impath can get extremely hurt.

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But there is a time when the
impath can overcome that situation. Once that

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they've gotten hurt enough and they realize
the situation, they can come back like

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the phoenix. But in the process
it can be very painful because eventually the

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person will feel drained of their energy, drained of their emotion because of all

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this projection and gas lighting that is
happening in the relationship. And if somebody

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is very close to you, it's
going to be really hard to see that

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this is happening. Why would you
even want to acknowledge the fact that it

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is. And two again, why
would you even see it? I mean,

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they're close to you, and so
a lot of times it's that blindsided

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concept. You get blindsided. You
don't see it, you don't see it

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actually coming to pass, you don't
see it happening, you don't see the

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train wreck showing up. And that
is a huge, huge, huge problem.

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One of the biggest aspects I find
in the clear narcissists is that complete

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unaccountability. They are just not accountable. They're not going to be accountable to

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you, They're not going to be
accountable to anybody. They are not accountable

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people, and so you can't hold
them accountable. They can hold you accountable

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in almost every single area of your
life. When you fall short, you

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are the problem, you are the
issue. But in their life, there

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is no accountability. And when you
try to hold a true narcissist two levels

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of accountability, you know, it's
like trying to you know, grass smoke

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with your bare hands. It's not
going to happen. And they're going to

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keep moving the target on you.
They're gonna keep moving moving the goal post

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on you, and you're going to
be constantly kind of in that loop because

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you try to grasp one idea or
get accountability on one side, and then

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they literally switch subject, switch gears. You're trying to figure out another situation.

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It's just constant. It's it's just
constant. It's you never really know

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what's going on. There's not a
lot of clarity, there's not a lot

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of emotional support, and you're constantly
looking behind each door trying to figure out

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what's going on. And again,
that is time consuming, it's mental,

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and it's mentally and emotionally draining.
And one of the biggest things we need

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to have when we have a friendship
or a relationship is accountability. We don't

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want a double standard, and that's
something that really needs to be talked about,

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something you really need to think about
in your life if you're dealing with

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some people that have this situation.
And ultimately, one of the things that

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I find is you know when they're
going through the process, when they're close

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to you in the beginning, how
the relationship starts, how they get in

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very quickly, how you connect with
them, the information that you provide them,

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how deep they drill into your life, how much you tell them,

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not realizing how little you're they're telling
you on the other side, or how

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surfacing they're telling you on the other
side, because again, remember you know

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they want to look perfect all the
time. They don't want to ever look

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bad. They don't want to ever
be questioned in their life, and so

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all those things that you that they
hold back from, you think they're a

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perfect person, and you eventually find
out that that's not the case. And

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some of you will never find out
because they will guard that information till their

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death. And the saddest part about
it is is you can never be close

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to somebody that doesn't tell you the
truth. Over a period of time,

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you can connect with somebody and have
whatever pseudo reality relationship that you think you

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have, but if they're not being
honest with you and they're not telling you

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the truth and you have really no
idea about their past, you do not

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know this person. And it's sad
because there's a lot of people that are

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living on this planet that will tell
you one thing and do another. There's

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a lot of people that are living
a life that you don't even get and

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these are things that are very interesting
to understand, and so that's a big

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part of it. But remember it's
about you it's about what you did.

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It's about judging you. It's about
judging your stuff, it's about judging your

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actions, about what you didn't do, it's about what you did. All

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these pieces are very important to understand. One of the other things that I

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find too is the drama that comes
from this type of behavior. So when

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you're dealing with narcissists, you're gonna
have drama. There's gonna be tons of

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drama, lots of dramas. Some
drama might be interesting, some drama you

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just can't handle it anymore and you
hope that you can exit stage right now.

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Drama is a big thing. Are
you dealing with drama? Is this

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something that you're dealing with? Are
you questioning your reality based on how much

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drama you're dealing with? And this
is something that you want to really ask

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yourself. How much drama am I
dealing with? How much drama am I

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willing to continue to deal with?
All these things are important to understand,

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and they will bring drama in to
your life based on the situations and circumstances

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that you have to deal with.
As far as the fact of you know,

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if there's something that's going on or
if they're trying to lull you into

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a situation. All these things are
very important to understand because the narcissist does

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thrive in this type of environment.
You know, Also, you start beginning

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to lose yourself, you start losing
your footing, the drama begins. Other

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people are brought into the situation.
And what I've also found out is that

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until as long as the narcissist thinks
that you totally are on board with them,

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As long as the narcissist believes that
they have you, you're fine.

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As long as the narcissist believes that
all is good, that's good. But

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until something changes, you're screwed.
And that is a problem. That is

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a big issue because if you don't
see that, you know, I mean,

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that's one of the biggest issues that
we have to deal with. Is

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they will come after you. They
will go after you. They will do

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drastic things and have drastic measures to
get to your attention. And one of

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the other things that I find very
interesting is in the concept of drastic things,

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the drastic things are not actually done
until you have actually exposed them or

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gone against them. Now in the
exposure, that's a very interesting situation.

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If you've exposed them, or if
you have actually gone against their judgment,

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or you haven't begged or pleted to
get back, or you haven't done the

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loops and the jumps and the hurdles
like they want you to do, there

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could be some there could be some
situations that come out from that that can

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be very painful and drastic. Now
understanding the fact that folks do this kind

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of stuff, and understanding the fact
that there's a tendency of the narcissists to

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do these types of things because you
know, they've had this situation where they

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feel like they've lost face, they
have the situation where they feel like they

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have to come after you, and
it's a certain retaliation. It can be

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very aggressive in nature. In nature, and it can be a true retaliation.

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Is something that needs to be recognized
and understood sometimes too. With a

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narcissist. They can cut you off. They can cut you off in a

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situation. They can also ghost you
in a situation, and you may have

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known them for years upon years upon
years, and this can be really really

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challenging in that process because if that's
happening, you don't even realize who you're

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dealing with anymore. Because the people
that you once know apparently have changed.

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And I am just saying from the
get go, if you're dealing with this

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type of situation or this is you're
dealing with this in your life, this

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is something that you want to look
at. So, whether or not you've

406
00:27:48.440 --> 00:27:52.200
been cut off recently, you've been
ghosted recently by somebody that you've known for

407
00:27:52.240 --> 00:27:56.200
a long time, really look at
what happened around that. Did you identify

408
00:27:56.359 --> 00:28:02.000
them as a narcissist? Did you
call them out? Did you not allow

409
00:28:02.119 --> 00:28:04.279
them to continue to do the things
that they were doing? And these are

410
00:28:04.359 --> 00:28:07.599
really good quality questions to ask yourself
because I think a lot of times when

411
00:28:07.599 --> 00:28:11.880
you're dealing with somebody that goes silent
on you, or you're dealing with someone

412
00:28:11.920 --> 00:28:15.039
that it cuts you off, you
start taking the blame. Especially if you're

413
00:28:15.039 --> 00:28:17.440
an impact, you will take the
blame. But you really have to look

414
00:28:17.480 --> 00:28:22.519
at the situation and circumstances that took
place around the situation, what really happened

415
00:28:22.759 --> 00:28:26.480
and who really is to blame.
Because I do think that many of you

416
00:28:26.559 --> 00:28:30.200
give your friends carte blank many of
you give your friends and family carte blanc

417
00:28:30.440 --> 00:28:33.240
and allow them to do what they
want to do. And that's and that

418
00:28:33.319 --> 00:28:37.759
in and of itself is okay.
But understanding that some of these people,

419
00:28:37.079 --> 00:28:40.920
can you trust some of them?
Yes? Can you trust Can you not

420
00:28:41.000 --> 00:28:44.680
trust some of them? For sure? Not everybody is trustworthy. Not everybody

421
00:28:44.759 --> 00:28:48.079
is somebody that you can trust.
And so right when you catch the hint

422
00:28:48.119 --> 00:28:52.400
that somebody is making judgment calls on
you, or projecting on you, or

423
00:28:52.519 --> 00:28:56.000
using gaslighting manipulation tactics on you,
that's when you want to, you know,

424
00:28:56.119 --> 00:29:00.039
kind of awaken yourself and say,
okay, hat one, what's happening

425
00:29:00.079 --> 00:29:06.119
here? Two? Is this this
person's personality and way of living? Three?

426
00:29:06.839 --> 00:29:10.160
Okay, so what is really happening
here? I thought this person was

427
00:29:10.200 --> 00:29:12.759
a friend or family member, and
I'm starting to see differences and I'm starting

428
00:29:12.799 --> 00:29:17.359
to see things that I don't like. Where is this coming from? What

429
00:29:17.720 --> 00:29:22.119
is the situation here? This is
very important to understand because as this begins,

430
00:29:22.680 --> 00:29:26.799
you can start getting into a whirlwind
situation, almost a blender of emotion

431
00:29:26.119 --> 00:29:30.960
where you can't really understand things,
and it begins to get crazy making because

432
00:29:30.960 --> 00:29:36.960
it starts happening in various situations,
and so definitely safeguarding yourself in this situation

433
00:29:37.400 --> 00:29:41.119
is super important, and you want
to be able to be aware of that.

434
00:29:41.519 --> 00:29:42.599
And I also think to some degree, you know, there's people that

435
00:29:42.640 --> 00:29:45.920
have narcissistic tendencies and they're not a
horrible person, they're not a mean person.

436
00:29:45.960 --> 00:29:49.640
They're not going around gas lighting and
projecting, and they're not you know,

437
00:29:49.720 --> 00:29:53.119
they're not getting destructive and they're you
know, they're not doing all these

438
00:29:53.160 --> 00:29:56.359
types of things. They're not creating
havoc. But there are some that really

439
00:29:56.400 --> 00:30:00.799
are. There's some real extreme narcissists
as well as some malignant narcissi is out

440
00:30:00.839 --> 00:30:06.839
there that will go to extremes,
will go to extremes to get what they

441
00:30:06.839 --> 00:30:10.480
want. They'll go to extremes to
push your buttons, they'll go to extremes

442
00:30:10.480 --> 00:30:14.480
to turn people you know on you, and they'll go to extremes to create

443
00:30:14.559 --> 00:30:18.319
and assimilate their their military group of
flying monkeys. And in that process,

444
00:30:18.680 --> 00:30:22.680
it's almost like you have become their
number one thing. You have become the

445
00:30:22.759 --> 00:30:26.240
one thing in their life that they
think about. You are now manipulating their

446
00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:30.440
entire mind to some degree. Now
they're going to try to hurt you.

447
00:30:30.799 --> 00:30:34.480
But the interesting part is they can't
get their mind off of you, and

448
00:30:34.559 --> 00:30:41.079
then that in and of itself is
very interesting, That in and of itself

449
00:30:41.279 --> 00:30:47.839
is a tailtale sign that that individual
has a very interesting life as far as

450
00:30:47.880 --> 00:30:53.680
it's not a very enriched life to
be focusing on going after one person in

451
00:30:53.720 --> 00:30:59.039
their life and then trying to turn
lots of people around you off from them,

452
00:30:59.079 --> 00:31:02.640
basically in the process to try to
hurt that person. That is a

453
00:31:02.759 --> 00:31:08.720
very negative, very unhealthy skill set
that somebody has. But we see it

454
00:31:08.759 --> 00:31:12.200
a lot, We see it everywhere, and in the process of seeing that,

455
00:31:12.240 --> 00:31:15.119
we begin to realize that, you
know, you have to really watch

456
00:31:15.200 --> 00:31:18.839
out the people that you're spending time
with. You have to really watch out

457
00:31:18.839 --> 00:31:21.160
what you say to people. And
I think that you can have some really

458
00:31:21.160 --> 00:31:23.960
great friends, and I think you
can have some really supportive friends, but

459
00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:26.759
I think you have to be really
aware and say, you know, is

460
00:31:26.799 --> 00:31:30.079
this a double standard? First?
You know, because you know, if

461
00:31:30.079 --> 00:31:34.279
this is a double standard, you
know, that's something you really have to

462
00:31:34.359 --> 00:31:41.559
gauge because if there's a double standard
in the relationship, it will never be

463
00:31:41.599 --> 00:31:47.039
on equal footing, it will never
be on equal ground. You know.

464
00:31:47.119 --> 00:31:49.559
The other as boundaries do we have
healthy boundaries in the relationship. Are there

465
00:31:49.559 --> 00:31:52.720
healthy boundaries? Are there any boundaries
for that matter? For God's sakes?

466
00:31:53.559 --> 00:31:56.880
You know, another thing that I
think that you want to ask yourself is,

467
00:31:56.920 --> 00:31:59.799
you know, are we giving?
Is this an you know, is

468
00:31:59.839 --> 00:32:07.279
this is equal? Are we giving
equally in the relationship? And and you

469
00:32:07.279 --> 00:32:09.519
know it's not. It doesn't always
have to be one for one, you

470
00:32:09.519 --> 00:32:12.720
know. I mean what I'm saying, you know, is there some sort

471
00:32:12.759 --> 00:32:15.920
of equality in that relationship that makes
it work? And that's that's a big

472
00:32:16.000 --> 00:32:21.960
question, you know, is their
judgment? You know, I think judgment

473
00:32:22.000 --> 00:32:25.839
in any relationship is extremely unhealthy.
I mean, you can have a comment,

474
00:32:27.200 --> 00:32:30.640
you can you can give information,
you can, you know, give

475
00:32:30.720 --> 00:32:34.279
somebody some food for thought. You
can say, hey, you know,

476
00:32:34.319 --> 00:32:37.720
I've been through a situation similar to
this. I just wanted to share my

477
00:32:37.839 --> 00:32:40.440
experience with you so you understand.
I want to share my experience so you

478
00:32:40.440 --> 00:32:45.720
can better understand the situation. I
want to share my experience and that and

479
00:32:45.799 --> 00:32:49.119
that in and of itself is valuable
information that in and of itself is not

480
00:32:49.160 --> 00:32:54.440
a judgmental situation. However, if
somebody is completely judging you and judging your

481
00:32:54.440 --> 00:32:59.119
life, that is not a friend. That is not somebody that you should

482
00:32:59.119 --> 00:33:04.480
trust, and unfortunately, you're seeing
their true intentions and that and immediately when

483
00:33:04.519 --> 00:33:07.119
you begin to see that, and
it can be really hard because many of

484
00:33:07.119 --> 00:33:10.400
you were raised by people with narcissistic
tendencies. Maybe you were raised by family

485
00:33:10.400 --> 00:33:15.359
who are extremely judgmental, and by
you know, by dealing with people that

486
00:33:15.400 --> 00:33:19.559
are extremely judgmental. You know,
you've allowed other judgmental people in your life

487
00:33:19.559 --> 00:33:21.720
and you've dealt with this, and
so that's something that you really want.

488
00:33:21.920 --> 00:33:24.519
There's judgment, there's negative judgment.
And you are a very close friend,

489
00:33:24.519 --> 00:33:29.680
a family member, a loved one. This is not acceptable behavior in the

490
00:33:29.920 --> 00:33:36.480
relationship. And ultimately, if they
use what you say against you, that

491
00:33:36.799 --> 00:33:39.079
is a huge red flag. And
so when I return, I'm going to

492
00:33:39.160 --> 00:33:45.079
talk more about just the narcissistic playbook. So once there's a power struggle and

493
00:33:45.200 --> 00:33:51.720
retaliation has begun, what it'll look
like and you can exit stage right.

494
00:33:51.799 --> 00:33:54.799
I advocate exiting stage right. You
can call it out and that's fine,

495
00:33:54.880 --> 00:33:59.880
but you know it's gonna be drama. But if you want mostly drama free,

496
00:34:00.200 --> 00:34:02.000
you just exit because at that point
in time, you realize that that

497
00:34:02.079 --> 00:34:08.880
person or persons are not so they're
they're not aware. Unfortunately, they have

498
00:34:08.960 --> 00:34:13.960
the situation going and they're not going
to change overnight, and depending on their

499
00:34:14.000 --> 00:34:16.519
age, you know, I mean, it takes a long time to make

500
00:34:16.599 --> 00:34:20.239
change. It takes a long time
to change your life. And if you're

501
00:34:20.239 --> 00:34:22.360
not you know, there comes a
time where some people just don't want to

502
00:34:22.440 --> 00:34:25.599
change and won't change. And so
I advocate the fact that you exit stage

503
00:34:25.679 --> 00:34:30.960
right and you begin to cultivate relationships
that are actually valuable in your life,

504
00:34:30.960 --> 00:34:37.199
and begin to look at those valuable
relationships and cultivate those equality relationships where you

505
00:34:37.199 --> 00:34:40.360
can really have that equality of emotion
and mental you know, and just be

506
00:34:40.440 --> 00:34:44.880
able to be a part of that
relationship and a healthy environment. So stay

507
00:34:44.960 --> 00:34:46.679
tuned. When I return, I'm
gonna giving you some more information. So

508
00:34:46.840 --> 00:34:50.920
don't change the channel because this is
going to be interesting. Live your True

509
00:34:50.920 --> 00:34:53.360
Life Perspectives with me, your host, Astley Purchase, will be back in

510
00:34:53.880 --> 00:34:57.639
I'll be back this time, you
know it. I'll be back this time

511
00:34:57.719 --> 00:35:13.840
in two shakes. Get in here. You're listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

512
00:35:15.559 --> 00:35:17.440
Welcome back live to Live your True
Life Perspectives, and I'm your host

513
00:35:17.480 --> 00:35:22.840
Ashley Burgess on today's show. I'm
talking about when the narcissist has crossed the

514
00:35:22.880 --> 00:35:25.880
line, what you need to do
in safeguarding yourself, And right now I

515
00:35:25.920 --> 00:35:30.880
want to talk about that retaliation structure. So you've called someone out, or

516
00:35:30.920 --> 00:35:35.920
the narcissists has judged you, or
you're starting to pick up on the signs

517
00:35:35.960 --> 00:35:38.639
and you're starting to realize the situation
now, and maybe you've called it out.

518
00:35:39.119 --> 00:35:42.880
Maybe there was something that you said
or did that you know, you

519
00:35:42.960 --> 00:35:46.280
basically pointed out what was going on. You didn't come back to kiss the

520
00:35:46.360 --> 00:35:52.239
ring, you didn't come back to
apologize, and now the retaliation has begun.

521
00:35:52.400 --> 00:35:58.800
And the retaliation is very interesting because
it's almost done like clockwork by every

522
00:35:58.920 --> 00:36:01.760
narcissist on the plan. So the
retaliation is the same, you know,

523
00:36:01.800 --> 00:36:07.199
the retaliation is, you know,
basically there's that judgment about you, that

524
00:36:07.360 --> 00:36:13.559
projection and that gaslighting, and then
what happens is usually what's happened in the

525
00:36:13.559 --> 00:36:15.599
past in smaller ways, is that
you keep going back. You keep going

526
00:36:15.639 --> 00:36:20.760
back and apologizing for things that aren't
yours to apologize for. And now is

527
00:36:20.800 --> 00:36:22.800
the first time that you've decided you're
not going to do that anymore. So

528
00:36:22.880 --> 00:36:28.559
now there's this power struggle, and
the narcissist is going to get you back.

529
00:36:28.599 --> 00:36:30.960
And so in that process of getting
you back, they're going to create

530
00:36:31.000 --> 00:36:37.079
the drama. They're going to reach
out to some of your closest friends.

531
00:36:37.480 --> 00:36:44.800
They're going to try to tell their
self made story that they've created in their

532
00:36:44.840 --> 00:36:47.840
own mind to make you look bad. In their process, they're going to

533
00:36:47.880 --> 00:36:51.519
go after a lot of your friends. They're going to poach a lot of

534
00:36:51.519 --> 00:36:53.960
your friends. They're going to go
after these specific people in order to get

535
00:36:54.000 --> 00:37:00.320
what they want. And that entire
desire of getting what they want is earning

536
00:37:00.360 --> 00:37:02.400
those people on you. It's about
turning those people on you. It's about

537
00:37:02.440 --> 00:37:09.039
trying to accumulate people to believe their
story, because if you believe they believe

538
00:37:09.079 --> 00:37:14.920
their story right, your story will
never come to light. If they believe

539
00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:20.840
your story, they will take that
position. If they believe their story,

540
00:37:21.000 --> 00:37:23.440
they will be that they will are
convinced that they are right. And so

541
00:37:23.599 --> 00:37:29.079
ultimately they're trying they're trying to convince
other people that you're wrong. They're trying

542
00:37:29.079 --> 00:37:32.239
to get people to not believe you. They're trying to circle the wagons.

543
00:37:32.280 --> 00:37:36.920
You might say and leave you out
in the cold so that they can look

544
00:37:36.960 --> 00:37:39.480
better because they ultimately know I think
to some degree, what they've done,

545
00:37:39.960 --> 00:37:44.159
they've projected it, they've made that
judgment, and in the process of that,

546
00:37:44.719 --> 00:37:46.800
they want to make sure though,
that they cover up enough so that

547
00:37:47.039 --> 00:37:50.880
you're the one that takes the fall. So as long as you're the one

548
00:37:50.920 --> 00:37:52.760
that's out to be the villain,
you're the one that's out to be the

549
00:37:52.840 --> 00:37:55.639
enemy, You're the one that's out
to be whatever X, y Z,

550
00:37:55.880 --> 00:38:00.320
they can continue to live on and
do what they're doing and not taking responsibility.

551
00:38:00.360 --> 00:38:04.840
They're not taking the responsibility, they're
not taking any of that that they

552
00:38:04.840 --> 00:38:08.719
need to take, and they're doing
that because they want other people to believe

553
00:38:08.719 --> 00:38:13.519
their story. It's almost like it's
the sneak attack where they want to turn

554
00:38:13.599 --> 00:38:16.880
everybody against you so that you don't
have anybody there, so there's nobody to

555
00:38:16.920 --> 00:38:21.000
actually listen to the pain and suffering
that you've gone through, you being the

556
00:38:21.119 --> 00:38:23.800
victim. And so this is what
is used constantly. It is literally the

557
00:38:23.800 --> 00:38:28.280
structure that they use, and I've
seen it with my clients where literally my

558
00:38:28.360 --> 00:38:30.960
clients will call their friends when they're
getting divorced and their friends will not even

559
00:38:30.960 --> 00:38:37.039
answer the phone. So what's happened
is that the other person, the significant

560
00:38:37.039 --> 00:38:39.719
other, went around telling everybody the
story that they wanted to tell them,

561
00:38:40.400 --> 00:38:45.920
and then they basically got their minions. They're flying monkeys around and unfortunately these

562
00:38:45.920 --> 00:38:49.800
friends had become the flying monkeys of
one of the people involved in the divorce,

563
00:38:50.320 --> 00:38:53.280
and the other person was too late
because they weren't going around spreading negativity.

564
00:38:53.480 --> 00:38:58.639
They weren't going around spreading rumors,
they weren't trying to make themselves look

565
00:38:58.679 --> 00:39:02.280
better and not take responsible and because
of that, in the process, they

566
00:39:02.360 --> 00:39:06.719
lost these friends. Now these friends
were not really their friends. Unfortunately.

567
00:39:06.760 --> 00:39:10.320
If somebody's willing to take somebody else's
side and not get any of your information,

568
00:39:10.480 --> 00:39:14.360
not listening to you, not even
care to talk with you, that

569
00:39:14.559 --> 00:39:17.159
is not your friend. That person
has shown you that they cannot be trusted.

570
00:39:17.199 --> 00:39:21.360
That person has shown you that they
are not your friends. So ultimately

571
00:39:21.400 --> 00:39:25.440
you will lose friends. When the
narcissist playbook starts, you will lose some

572
00:39:25.559 --> 00:39:30.679
friends, but they are not necessarily
your friends. Unfortunately, those people have

573
00:39:30.840 --> 00:39:32.960
not really ever been your friend.
If they can turn on you like that,

574
00:39:34.079 --> 00:39:37.039
now a real friend will stick by
you through thick and thin. There

575
00:39:37.119 --> 00:39:42.079
might be some questions that are asked, but ultimately, ultimately they're not going

576
00:39:42.159 --> 00:39:46.679
to believe this story coming out of
the middle of nowhere from someone who supposedly

577
00:39:46.840 --> 00:39:52.559
was your spouse, your significant other, a family member, a best friend,

578
00:39:52.679 --> 00:39:54.239
all that stuff. So it's going
to be really odd too, because

579
00:39:54.239 --> 00:39:59.119
they're going to go after some of
the best people in your life on purpose,

580
00:39:59.280 --> 00:40:00.880
and that's something you just want to
be aware of. And I hate

581
00:40:00.920 --> 00:40:04.599
to say that this is going to
happen. The one good thing about this

582
00:40:04.719 --> 00:40:06.880
is going to help you clean house. There's going to be people that are

583
00:40:06.880 --> 00:40:08.800
gonna drop like flies, and you
know what, it's the best thing possible.

584
00:40:09.039 --> 00:40:12.920
It's going to be hard in the
process, it's going to be sad,

585
00:40:13.199 --> 00:40:15.840
but in the process, it's going
to open up your life to a

586
00:40:15.960 --> 00:40:20.400
lot better, higher quality level of
people in your life, and that in

587
00:40:20.480 --> 00:40:22.719
and of itself is valuable. So
I hope this show has helped you.

588
00:40:22.800 --> 00:40:27.440
I hope that you can begin to
safeguard yourself and see the situation at hand

589
00:40:27.480 --> 00:40:30.719
better and be able to understand what
you're dealing with so you can ultimately understand

590
00:40:30.719 --> 00:40:35.840
that and eliminate these people from your
life and eliminate it before the retaliation.

591
00:40:35.920 --> 00:40:38.639
But if you don't safeguarding yourself,
realizing is going to happen, and see

592
00:40:38.679 --> 00:40:45.079
who's really there and who really is
your friend Literature life Perspectives with your host

593
00:40:45.199 --> 00:40:47.440
me Ashley Burgers, will be back
in We've got lots coming up for you

594
00:40:47.480 --> 00:40:51.480
through the weeks ahead. I'll be
back this time in three shakes.