April 16, 2025

How to Identify Manipulative and Controlling Behaviors and Patterns in Relationships. [Ep 793]

How to Identify Manipulative and Controlling Behaviors and Patterns in Relationships. [Ep 793]

Are you being manipulated or controlled mentally and emotionally by another person? Do you feel as though you can’t make your own choices and that everything you do is questioned and put under the microscope? When we identify manipulative and...

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Are you being manipulated or controlled mentally and emotionally by another person? Do you feel as though you can’t make your own choices and that everything you do is questioned and put under the microscope? When we identify manipulative and controlling behaviors in others, it helps us to understand what is taking place in our personal and professional relationships. In this podcast, I’m deep diving into the signs and symptoms of manipulative behavior, specific types of manipulation, specific patterns of behavior we see people display when manipulated others, how it affects us emotionally and mentally, and what you can do to safeguard yourself from the manipulation and mind control. #manipulation #narcissism #control #BPD #manipulativebehavior #narcissistic #controlling #gaslighting




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WEBVTT

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You're in a good place now.

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You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgets.

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Welcome back live to Live Your True Life Perspectives and

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I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On today's podcast, we'll be

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talking about identifying manipulative and controlling behaviors and others as

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well as they're controlling and manipulative patterns.

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Are you currently in.

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A relationship with someone you feel is manipulating you?

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Have you felt like you can't do what you want?

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As though everything you're doing in your life is being questioned.

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Everything you do on a daily basis is put under

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a microscope. They're constantly finding whatever you're doing is wrong

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or inappropriate, or however they deem it in a negative light.

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And isn't it interesting how well you're not judging them,

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you're not putting their actions, attitudes and patterns under a microscope.

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But it seems like you can't seem to do anything right.

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And if that's the case and you're going through this,

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I know that you feel controlled. You may feel very lost,

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You may feel as though you've lost some of your identity,

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and you may not have actually put an actual finger

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on the exact way on pattern that they're using on you,

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like the exact manipulative or controlling behavior that they're using.

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And you may not even be aware of a pattern

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just yet because you haven't really thought about that or

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looked at it so much, because you've been under fire

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so much. You're constantly, you know, under fire, being grilled

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about the issues and problems and stuff that you're bringing

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to the table. And this can be very not only challenging,

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but also very painful. However, knowledge is power, and when

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we begin to know what we're doing with, we begin

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to realize what we're dealing with, we begin to realize

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what we need to do to safeguard ourselves, and it's

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easier for us to overcome as well as strike down

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this manipulation. If we don't know we're being manipulated controlled,

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we can't do anything. We have to first know it.

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Then we need to identify the practices they're using. What

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is the actual practice that they're using to manipulate and

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control us, and why is it working? And is this

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out of the blue or is this a pattern of

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behavior that they're using. Because I find that when people

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are very manipulative and very controlling, there's a consistent pattern

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of behavior that comes along with it, and if you're

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really close to the situation, it's hard to see it

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because you feel so threatened by it. You feel like

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you're on edge by it, You are defensive, you find

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yourself on the defense. It's very challenging, and when you're

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in that position, it can be horrible, painful, stressful, and

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it's hard to be able to see these pieces. But

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if I help you to identify these and you get

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something out of this podcast whenever you're listening to it,

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wherever you're listening to it, this can help you to

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begin to see it for what it is. See what

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the other person is doing to try to control and

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manipulate you, recognize the tactics that they're using, as well

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as recognizing do they do this often? Is this consistent?

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Is this unified? Is it across the board? Do they

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do this for big things and things that don't really matter.

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Are they constantly doing these types of things? Because sometimes

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we begin to realize that some people have just patterns.

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They're on a broken record, right, They're just doing it

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on autopilot, and they're not really thinking about what they're

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doing or what they're saying. They're just doing it. Because

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guess what, it's worked so far, and they might have

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been doing this way before you. This may be their

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pattern of behavior for every single relationship they've ever been in,

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you know, And a lot of these relationships begin with

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this wonderful, wonderful honeymoon beginning, the love bombing, the honeymoon beginning. Oh,

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this person really cares and they're giving me all this attention,

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and wow, they really think about me a lot, and

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they're really listening to me. And I can share my deepest,

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darkest feelings and fears and happiness and all this with

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this person, and then eventually that might change. Some of

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you may say, well, actually, I wish that my relationship

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had started that way. But honestly, it's always kind of

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been combative and argumentative, and I've always seemed to be

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always trying to like just do something minimal, like go

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to the gym or go eat on my own or

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get my haircut or whatever it is, and I can't

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do it because guess what, this person thinks I'm off

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doing something else, and they're questioning me and they're questioning

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my reality, and all in all, it's what is it?

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They're trying to control you and to control that aspect

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of your life because they want you either taking care

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of them, giving them full on attention to doing what

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they want you to do right, doing what they want

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you to do, not what you want to do, or

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entertaining them for you know, some people just want to

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be entertained. They want you to be around at all times.

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They might not even talk to you, but they want

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you there. The minute you're leaving, where are you going, what.

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Are you doing?

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What's happening here? And you're like, you haven't even spoken

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to me in two hours. You've been on your Instagram

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for two hours, you've been watching old episodes of the

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Real Housewives for three hours or whatever, or you've been

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drinking beer up in your man cave. You haven't even

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once come down to even speak to me. And I'm

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about to walk out the door to go do something.

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Now you're trying to check on me and figure out

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what I'm doing. So it's definitely a pattern of control

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again to start exposing these manipulative and controlling behaviors that

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are used often to get you to do what to

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not do what you want to do, to not go

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do your thing, to not go hang out with your friends,

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to not go out of town for a work trip

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to whatever.

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It looks like.

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There's a zillion things that someone doesn't want you to do,

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and there's several ways not a zillion ways, but several

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ways where they're going to. They're not going to necessarily

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physically stop you. Now, some people will try, but most

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people will try to get you to make that decision

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because otherwise the other option is to continue to allow

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this person to do something.

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And so let's start with that.

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For example, you want to do something and they decide

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to get angry, maybe cussing you out, yelling and screaming,

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yelling and throwing things, slamming doors, and so, in an

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effort to not deal with this type of behavior, you

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just don't go do what you're going to do. And

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that could have been playing a game of golf, that

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could have been seeing an old friend from high school.

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It could be basically anything.

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Going to a dinner for your work dinner that they

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don't want you to go to because there's some woman

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or some guy there that you may speak to that

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they're worried about.

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It doesn't matter. There's always something.

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So you might stop in your tracks because somebody's yelling

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and screaming at you or breaking things or kicking down

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doors or whatever they're doing. And sometimes it just is

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like super annoying. Well other times it's really scary. But

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either way, if it's super annoying or scary, most of

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the time, what do humans want? We don't want to

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deal with it. We want to have them stop. We

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want them to just be quiet. So what do we do?

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We normally play Kate aquios. Okay, I won't go to

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the dinner, I will be here. I'm not gonna go,

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And then all of a sudden, the screaming stops, so

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arguing stops, and then here we go. Now you're there

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thinking about I can't believe that I've just denied myself

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doing something that I need to do for work, or

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I need to do this or that. But I'm keeping

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the peace and maybe this will go a long way.

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But the weird thing about all this stuff is that

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it doesn't go a long way for anything. You just

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keep you just keep getting yourself on a tighter and

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tighter leash. And I hate to say that, whether you're

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a man or a woman, you keep getting on a

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tighter and tighter leash because that person is wrenching it up.

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You can't do this one time, you acquiesce because you

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don't want to hear it. You can't do another thing

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another time because they wrench it up. You acquiesce, you

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don't want to hear it. Okay, these are things that

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we need to really be honest with ourselves about in

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our relationships, because if you have these types of things

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in your relationship, this is not a healthy relationship. This

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is somebody that's manipulating and controlling you and an effort

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to keep you for themselves and then eventually to break

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you down over a period of time and use you

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and basically take away your identity and over time eventually

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discards you or just treat you really horribly or just

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walk all over you. It's not like they're like, oh,

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this is the love of my life, because you don't

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manipulate and control the love of your life. It's just

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not the way it goes. That's not how people operate

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if you really care about somebody. Another manipulative and controlling

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behavior that a lot of people use is let's say,

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for example, you have to go out of town for

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a work trip and you don't want to go, especially

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if you've been in this relationship for a long time,

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because you know how this person's going to be on

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the other end of the phone. You're like, oh God,

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I just don't want to have to travel for work.

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Oh please God, I don't want to have to do this.

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I know what's going to happen. And sure enough your

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boss is like, yeah, you need to go out of town.

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We need to take care of this. And you're like, oh,

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oh no, when do I break the news that I

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have to go out of town for work?

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Oh?

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And you're thinking about it every hour upon the hour,

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When do you break the news? And you eventually break

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the news really kind of probably late in the game,

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most of you do because you don't want to hear

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it for days on you break it. You know, you

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break it down in like four days before the trip

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and they're like, oh my god, where are you going.

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You're like, I have to go to town for work. Yeah, yeah,

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for sure, I got to leave on this day. And

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how long have you known? Oh, you know, not very

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long because you've done it in the past where you say, hey,

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I'm gonna have to leave town two weeks from now

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for work. What and all you do is you hear

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about it over and over again every day before the trip.

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What are you gonna do? Where are you gonna be it?

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I bet you're gonna be hanging out with somebody?

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What are you doing?

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You know?

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I can't trust you. Da da da da dah.

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So what usually happens in these situations is they blow

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up your phone. They blow up your phone, either calling

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and calling and calling, and you have to answer all

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the time and basically get nothing done. Okay, this is

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one of those things where you're you're getting calls, you

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can't get anything done except for talk to that person

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and try to get your work stuff you need to

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get done, and explain to them, hey, I have to work, okay,

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like from nine to five or I gotta work and

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then I have a work dinner.

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Okay, I'm not ignoring you.

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And then if they don't call you, then they're turbo

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texting you every minute, asking you where are you, what

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are you doing, what's going on? Who you with?

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What's happening?

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Can you take a picture where you're at? I'll like

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to see where you're at. Going to take me a picture?

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Who you're with? You know, where are you at? Where

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you staying at? What hotel? Is that okay, and you

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feel compelled.

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So the training process is, if this has happened to you,

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you begin to feel compelled to respond because you know,

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for many of you out there, if you don't respond back,

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there's hell to pay. There's a lot of hell to pay.

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And it might be more texting, or it could be

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the dreaded opposite. And I know that many of you

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already know what I'm going to say without me saying it,

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because you have had and experienced the dreaded opposite, the

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silent treatment. Well, if you won't respond to me, and

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given the amount of seconds or minutes, I'll just turn

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you off. And that's what they do. And sometimes they

232
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can wait hours and hours, sometimes twenty four hours, even

233
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thirty six hours, punishing you for what you've done. So

234
00:12:23.720 --> 00:12:28.440
now you're very upset about the punishment. You're worried about

235
00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:34.159
what's going on. You're upset because they're not communicating with you. You're

236
00:12:33.519 --> 00:12:36.080
upset because they're not talking to you. You have no

237
00:12:36.360 --> 00:12:39.399
idea what they're doing, who they're with, what's going on.

238
00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:43.759
They have completely flipped the tables on you, and now

239
00:12:43.799 --> 00:12:47.879
you know nothing. And the interesting part about this game

240
00:12:48.159 --> 00:12:52.000
is that it's not equal. When you come home, they're

241
00:12:52.039 --> 00:12:54.320
going to be asking you all questions about your trip,

242
00:12:54.360 --> 00:12:56.559
where you were, all this stuff. But if you ask

243
00:12:56.679 --> 00:12:59.679
them one thing about where they were for those twenty

244
00:12:59.720 --> 00:13:01.519
four hours, they didn't communicate.

245
00:13:01.879 --> 00:13:04.679
Oh, here we go again, the blow.

246
00:13:04.480 --> 00:13:10.799
Up, the argument, the fighting, the passive aggressive behavior, maybe

247
00:13:10.840 --> 00:13:12.240
the disappearance act.

248
00:13:12.200 --> 00:13:14.879
Again, training you again.

249
00:13:15.399 --> 00:13:18.840
If I bring up anything, they will go silent, they

250
00:13:18.879 --> 00:13:22.159
will disappear on me, and I will have no answers

251
00:13:22.279 --> 00:13:24.879
at all, And you know what, and then there you are,

252
00:13:25.080 --> 00:13:29.120
especially if you have codependency. Where are they? What are

253
00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:31.320
they doing? I'm worried for them, I'm worried. Are we

254
00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:34.200
still in a relationship? What's going on? Even though you

255
00:13:34.240 --> 00:13:36.480
might not be happy with the relationship at all. It's

256
00:13:36.559 --> 00:13:40.399
like this trigger, it's this toxic, you know, trauma trigger

257
00:13:42.240 --> 00:13:44.679
that is really not positive at all, and it just

258
00:13:44.720 --> 00:13:46.679
triggers you to have feelings that you really don't have.

259
00:13:46.759 --> 00:13:50.000
It's not really feelings you have, it's just what happened here?

260
00:13:50.080 --> 00:13:51.279
What do I do? You know?

261
00:13:51.360 --> 00:13:54.440
I kind of feel like I missed the connection. I

262
00:13:54.519 --> 00:13:58.240
miss this what we call it trauma bond. And that's

263
00:13:58.240 --> 00:14:01.559
when trauma bon in love or very confused. You know,

264
00:14:01.559 --> 00:14:03.799
they're very confusing because you don't really realize, oh wait,

265
00:14:03.799 --> 00:14:05.840
this is really a trauma bond. This isn't really love.

266
00:14:06.600 --> 00:14:08.879
And you know, trauma bonds are you know, based on trauma.

267
00:14:08.919 --> 00:14:11.919
They're you know, you're you're triggering each other's trauma with

268
00:14:12.000 --> 00:14:15.519
all these issues happening, it's not love because real love

269
00:14:15.600 --> 00:14:18.639
you don't passively aggressively treat people. You don't do silent

270
00:14:18.679 --> 00:14:21.519
treatment for two days. You don't go sleep over at

271
00:14:21.559 --> 00:14:23.720
someone's house and act like nothing happen and then put

272
00:14:23.720 --> 00:14:26.000
it back on the other person to have to defend

273
00:14:26.039 --> 00:14:30.200
themselves and basically constantly doing that and berating somebody that

274
00:14:30.759 --> 00:14:31.720
that's not love at all.

275
00:14:32.879 --> 00:14:36.759
That's a pattern of control. And we see this a lot.

276
00:14:36.639 --> 00:14:41.440
Of times with folks that sometimes have narcissistic tendencies, borderline tendencies,

277
00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:47.679
you know, histrionic tendencies, and the list goes on. And

278
00:14:47.720 --> 00:14:50.360
the silent treatment for a specific time is very interesting.

279
00:14:50.399 --> 00:14:55.039
The passive aggressive behavior is very interesting. And that passive

280
00:14:55.080 --> 00:14:58.519
aggressive behavior, that's interesting because the problem with that is

281
00:14:58.639 --> 00:15:00.480
a lot of times with these folks what they do

282
00:15:00.600 --> 00:15:03.960
is they punish and reward, punish and reward. Oh You're

283
00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:05.960
the best thing that's ever happening in my life. I mean,

284
00:15:06.279 --> 00:15:08.440
without you, I wouldn't be where I'm at. I mean,

285
00:15:08.879 --> 00:15:10.480
you know, oh my god, I'm so in love with you.

286
00:15:10.519 --> 00:15:13.399
And sometimes they can be so poetic with their words, right.

287
00:15:13.519 --> 00:15:16.759
The text can be so sweet, I miss you, my love,

288
00:15:16.879 --> 00:15:19.399
I miss you this, I miss you that, oh, you

289
00:15:19.440 --> 00:15:22.399
know whatever. I can't wait to see you, you know, oh,

290
00:15:22.559 --> 00:15:24.519
I love you so much, all this stuff. And then

291
00:15:24.559 --> 00:15:26.480
you see them and they're not like hugging and kissing

292
00:15:26.559 --> 00:15:28.159
on you. They have nothing to do with you. It's

293
00:15:28.159 --> 00:15:30.919
like and then they flip the script. Now it's passive aggressive,

294
00:15:30.960 --> 00:15:34.679
angry behavior, questioning behavior.

295
00:15:35.720 --> 00:15:36.960
What were you doing all day?

296
00:15:36.960 --> 00:15:39.799
You're like, well, I was at the office, at the office, really, yeah,

297
00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:41.000
the office.

298
00:15:42.039 --> 00:15:44.879
Working. That's what working people do.

299
00:15:46.080 --> 00:15:49.440
And that's always a real challenge when it comes to

300
00:15:49.480 --> 00:15:53.679
that type of situation, is that you know, you don't

301
00:15:53.720 --> 00:15:59.960
really know, you know, what's really happening until you act

302
00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:06.840
actually show up. Until you show up, you show up

303
00:16:07.240 --> 00:16:09.120
and you go, oh my god, I thought everything was

304
00:16:09.159 --> 00:16:11.000
good for a while and you were sending me these

305
00:16:11.000 --> 00:16:13.360
great texts, and now I realize that's not the case

306
00:16:13.399 --> 00:16:16.240
at all, And you're very unhappy and this is kind

307
00:16:16.240 --> 00:16:18.080
of the same thing we do all the time, and

308
00:16:18.120 --> 00:16:19.600
now we're going back into this.

309
00:16:19.600 --> 00:16:20.559
This isn't very fun.

310
00:16:20.600 --> 00:16:24.399
I don't really like this, but you're still there, and

311
00:16:24.480 --> 00:16:26.559
if you try to leave, that's when the arguing or

312
00:16:26.559 --> 00:16:29.759
fighting happens, or you know, the the issues that they

313
00:16:29.799 --> 00:16:31.759
have with you leaving, which is a problem.

314
00:16:33.759 --> 00:16:35.759
And all this goes back to control.

315
00:16:37.399 --> 00:16:41.120
It's all made to beat you down, to make you

316
00:16:41.240 --> 00:16:44.840
feel bad, to get you to do something, or to

317
00:16:44.919 --> 00:16:48.759
get you not to do something, to get you to

318
00:16:48.759 --> 00:16:51.759
do something, or to get you to not do something.

319
00:16:53.240 --> 00:16:58.159
It's all manipulation and control devised to make you feel

320
00:16:58.240 --> 00:17:02.879
a specific way. And so I really think about it.

321
00:17:02.919 --> 00:17:05.720
Is there somebody in your life it was manipulating and

322
00:17:05.759 --> 00:17:10.160
controlling you. Do you feel controlled and manipulated currently in

323
00:17:10.200 --> 00:17:11.960
your current life situation?

324
00:17:12.519 --> 00:17:15.079
And what are you doing about it? Too? Well? To

325
00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:15.759
change it.

326
00:17:17.720 --> 00:17:20.559
We need to change it. We don't want to sit

327
00:17:20.599 --> 00:17:22.519
with it. The longer we continue to sit with it,

328
00:17:22.599 --> 00:17:24.799
I know that we have to get to the point. Right.

329
00:17:25.759 --> 00:17:27.400
I was on with a client today in one of

330
00:17:27.400 --> 00:17:30.160
my sessions, and she said, I have to get to

331
00:17:30.160 --> 00:17:34.319
the point when it really dubs upset me. It really

332
00:17:34.400 --> 00:17:36.480
gets under my skin. And I think that's very true

333
00:17:36.519 --> 00:17:39.759
with anything like even in therapy and coaching. You know,

334
00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:42.839
I get new clients refer to me from from current

335
00:17:42.880 --> 00:17:45.119
clients or past clients who you know you got you

336
00:17:45.119 --> 00:17:46.960
gotta see Ashley. And I'll get some clients who are like,

337
00:17:47.000 --> 00:17:49.400
I'm gonna twin it. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna

338
00:17:49.400 --> 00:17:49.960
do the work.

339
00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:50.480
I'm ready.

340
00:17:50.519 --> 00:17:52.440
Even if it's painful where I have to go through it,

341
00:17:52.480 --> 00:17:54.359
I know that eventually on the other side it's gonna

342
00:17:54.359 --> 00:17:56.599
be awesome. I get a lot of those clients which

343
00:17:56.640 --> 00:17:58.599
are fabulous. I get some clients that are like they

344
00:17:58.599 --> 00:17:59.359
put their toe.

345
00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:00.519
In the water. I don't know.

346
00:18:00.599 --> 00:18:02.079
I don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't

347
00:18:02.079 --> 00:18:04.160
know if I'm ready for change.

348
00:18:04.359 --> 00:18:06.759
I don't know. The water's a little cold.

349
00:18:07.039 --> 00:18:09.119
Oh god, I don't know. I'm in it for a

350
00:18:09.160 --> 00:18:10.839
little while. Let's see if I can deal with it.

351
00:18:10.880 --> 00:18:14.599
And then you know, some small thing after whatever time, okay,

352
00:18:14.640 --> 00:18:16.599
you know they're out. Or you have people that just

353
00:18:16.799 --> 00:18:19.039
right after the first session done can't deal with it

354
00:18:19.039 --> 00:18:20.759
because they're not willing to make a change, because they

355
00:18:20.799 --> 00:18:24.359
haven't gotten to that point. We have to get to

356
00:18:24.400 --> 00:18:27.400
the point where stuff is so bad, right, and I

357
00:18:27.400 --> 00:18:29.039
don't like to get there. I mean, the problem is,

358
00:18:29.039 --> 00:18:30.960
we don't want to get where where our hair is

359
00:18:31.000 --> 00:18:34.319
on fire. Nobody wants to have their hair on fire.

360
00:18:35.319 --> 00:18:38.119
Nobody wants to be like, gosh, my hair's on fire.

361
00:18:38.119 --> 00:18:40.240
And I get clients who I consider their hair is

362
00:18:40.240 --> 00:18:43.359
on fire. Things have gotten bad, things have gotten overboard.

363
00:18:43.680 --> 00:18:46.400
We are in a not healthy position. We need to

364
00:18:46.400 --> 00:18:49.400
find ourself. We need to get our identity. We don't

365
00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:51.839
We need to really create it, like from ground up.

366
00:18:51.880 --> 00:18:55.240
We need to you know, separate ourselves from these situations

367
00:18:55.279 --> 00:18:57.920
as much as we can in an effort to you know,

368
00:18:58.039 --> 00:19:01.559
get ourselves back, in an effort to safeguard ourselves. All

369
00:19:01.599 --> 00:19:05.480
these things are super super important, and we have to

370
00:19:05.519 --> 00:19:07.200
do it. And that's what I'm saying is that that

371
00:19:07.359 --> 00:19:09.839
is very important, and we have to kind of think

372
00:19:09.880 --> 00:19:14.519
about those types of things. But we have to get

373
00:19:14.559 --> 00:19:16.559
to the point, we have to get to the point

374
00:19:16.640 --> 00:19:20.039
in our life that we're ready for this change that

375
00:19:20.079 --> 00:19:22.599
we don't want to we want to do it, and

376
00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:24.519
it's time. And I think that many of you are there.

377
00:19:24.559 --> 00:19:27.160
You're there, You've had enough of the blow ups. You've

378
00:19:27.200 --> 00:19:32.200
had enough of, the playcation, You've had enough of. I

379
00:19:32.240 --> 00:19:34.680
can't be myself or do my own thing. Every time

380
00:19:34.720 --> 00:19:36.720
I try to do my own thing, even if it's

381
00:19:36.839 --> 00:19:41.079
just going to the gym, or even if it's hanging

382
00:19:41.119 --> 00:19:43.119
out with your best friend down the street having a

383
00:19:43.160 --> 00:19:47.000
beer at the burger joint, it's a problem. And all

384
00:19:47.039 --> 00:19:48.960
you do is hear about it. Oh, yeah, you had

385
00:19:49.000 --> 00:19:50.960
to go out with your friend, right, Oh, I'm sure

386
00:19:51.000 --> 00:19:52.839
that's where you were. Y'all aren't out at the strip

387
00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:55.799
club or doing whatever. And there's all these questions and

388
00:19:55.920 --> 00:19:59.559
wonderment and ask and accusations and all this stuff, and

389
00:19:59.599 --> 00:20:03.039
then this, you know, reactive response to something you haven't

390
00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:05.680
even done. Some of them, even if you haven't done anything,

391
00:20:05.960 --> 00:20:09.160
will just go out and literally just do something crazy.

392
00:20:09.200 --> 00:20:11.519
You have no idea. They go, you know, they go

393
00:20:11.680 --> 00:20:15.559
silent for a day, and you're like, what happened? They

394
00:20:15.559 --> 00:20:18.240
have no comment, But you know it's like, Okay, well,

395
00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:20.200
I'm gonna get you back, even though I don't really,

396
00:20:20.279 --> 00:20:22.720
I'm creating a complete narrative in my head that's not

397
00:20:22.759 --> 00:20:26.160
even appropriately or even true. I'm gonna I'm gonna swerve

398
00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:27.640
out right now and do this. And this is the

399
00:20:27.720 --> 00:20:30.440
stuff that's just overwhelming because now you're like, well, I

400
00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:32.400
can't even go out with my friend to have that

401
00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:35.799
beer for forty five minutes because you know she might

402
00:20:35.839 --> 00:20:37.640
go do that or he might go do that, and

403
00:20:37.799 --> 00:20:39.720
and I don't want that to happen, So I'll just

404
00:20:39.759 --> 00:20:42.240
sit at home and wait. I'll just sit at home

405
00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:43.880
and wait. And that's one of the hardest things when

406
00:20:43.880 --> 00:20:47.480
we deal with these types of BEIT patterns is we

407
00:20:47.559 --> 00:20:55.720
find ourselves being so controlled and so manipulative, manipulated. We

408
00:20:55.799 --> 00:20:58.920
feel like we are not even who we are anymore.

409
00:21:00.039 --> 00:21:03.759
And that's what's so hard because this person on the

410
00:21:03.799 --> 00:21:06.359
other side seems to be their life seems to be good,

411
00:21:06.359 --> 00:21:08.200
they seem to be doing whatever they want to do.

412
00:21:08.279 --> 00:21:12.359
Because remember, this isn't equal, this isn't an equal relationship.

413
00:21:13.400 --> 00:21:16.039
You can't do whatever you want to do. They can

414
00:21:16.079 --> 00:21:17.839
do whatever they want to do. And that's what they're

415
00:21:17.839 --> 00:21:23.599
trying to show you. Through these actions and behaviors and patterns.

416
00:21:24.000 --> 00:21:26.440
They're trying to get you to not even do it anymore.

417
00:21:26.519 --> 00:21:29.920
It's like this behavior, I'm going to beat this behavior

418
00:21:29.960 --> 00:21:32.400
out of you. I'm going to punish this behavior out

419
00:21:32.400 --> 00:21:35.839
of you until you stop basically doing this, you stop

420
00:21:35.960 --> 00:21:38.400
living your life, and now I don't have to worry

421
00:21:38.440 --> 00:21:42.039
about you anymore because now you're under complete control, okay,

422
00:21:42.039 --> 00:21:43.480
and now I can do whatever I want.

423
00:21:44.119 --> 00:21:44.359
Right.

424
00:21:44.480 --> 00:21:48.279
That's really honestly what these people are doing, because now

425
00:21:48.319 --> 00:21:51.880
they have you under their thumb, and now they know

426
00:21:51.920 --> 00:21:54.200
that they can do whatever they want now, right, because.

427
00:21:53.960 --> 00:21:55.000
They've beat it out of you.

428
00:21:55.079 --> 00:21:59.240
And if you ask them a question, because they've trained you, well, hey,

429
00:21:59.480 --> 00:22:01.119
you know, we're where you've been. I've been home for

430
00:22:01.160 --> 00:22:03.640
two hours, and try to call you like six times.

431
00:22:03.640 --> 00:22:07.359
If you didn't answer, what really, what's this about?

432
00:22:07.440 --> 00:22:09.200
You know? And then they flip the script on you.

433
00:22:09.279 --> 00:22:11.200
Oh yeah, well I could ask you the same question,

434
00:22:11.319 --> 00:22:13.559
or what about all of a sudden you go, oh god,

435
00:22:13.599 --> 00:22:15.319
I don't want to open this can of arms.

436
00:22:15.319 --> 00:22:16.119
I don't want to ask.

437
00:22:16.200 --> 00:22:17.680
I want to know, but I don't want to know

438
00:22:17.720 --> 00:22:19.440
because I know it's going to be turned around on

439
00:22:19.519 --> 00:22:23.319
me and I'm gonna be the bad guy. And so

440
00:22:23.440 --> 00:22:26.160
think about that. This is very important information to think about.

441
00:22:26.519 --> 00:22:28.400
The flip side, too, is that some of the stuff

442
00:22:28.440 --> 00:22:31.720
that they're doing is actual program patterns that they have

443
00:22:31.880 --> 00:22:34.200
learned even if it's not a big deal, like let's

444
00:22:34.240 --> 00:22:36.240
just say like you're going to the gym. You should

445
00:22:36.240 --> 00:22:37.599
be able to go to the gym. That's your health

446
00:22:37.599 --> 00:22:40.279
we're talking about, correct, But they make a big deal

447
00:22:40.319 --> 00:22:43.359
about it. That's just like you gotta start working on

448
00:22:43.400 --> 00:22:46.079
breaking those patterns because that's why a lot of times too,

449
00:22:46.079 --> 00:22:48.759
when they go off on you. Let's say, like someone

450
00:22:48.799 --> 00:22:51.559
goes off on you for whatever it is, and then

451
00:22:51.599 --> 00:22:54.880
the next day they call you like nothing's wrong, or

452
00:22:54.880 --> 00:22:57.119
they come by and they act like everything's great. It's

453
00:22:57.160 --> 00:22:59.240
like a lot of it is just like it's such

454
00:22:59.240 --> 00:23:03.160
a pattern that it's almost like this is this dramatic,

455
00:23:04.039 --> 00:23:06.279
you know, this dramatic thing that they gotta do, and

456
00:23:06.319 --> 00:23:09.119
then the area are all good next day. And I

457
00:23:09.480 --> 00:23:12.640
have actually coined the phrase myself. I'm the only one

458
00:23:12.680 --> 00:23:17.440
that's ever used this phrase is BPD. BPD amnesia. Now

459
00:23:17.480 --> 00:23:20.039
this is not just for that, it's MPD amnesia. It's

460
00:23:20.119 --> 00:23:24.799
amnesia for anybody that does something and then turns around

461
00:23:24.839 --> 00:23:27.920
and acts like it never happened. And you're over there

462
00:23:27.920 --> 00:23:29.160
like I don't know if I want to bring it up,

463
00:23:29.160 --> 00:23:32.480
because I don't want to start things up again. But again,

464
00:23:32.519 --> 00:23:34.119
these are the things we need to think about, because

465
00:23:34.119 --> 00:23:38.160
if you're in these situations that you're experiencing this stuff,

466
00:23:39.759 --> 00:23:44.240
you are in a manipulative, controlling relationship. There was no

467
00:23:44.359 --> 00:23:46.599
question in my mind. And if that's the case, you

468
00:23:46.640 --> 00:23:51.400
are feeling lost, you are feeling resentment. But the other

469
00:23:51.480 --> 00:23:53.279
side of the coin is in order to be in

470
00:23:53.319 --> 00:23:56.839
this manipulative and controlling relationship, there has to be some

471
00:23:57.000 --> 00:23:59.519
upside to it, like, for example, maybe they flip the

472
00:23:59.519 --> 00:24:02.400
script and you know every four days you are on

473
00:24:02.400 --> 00:24:05.400
this pedestal and you're like, oh my god, Or maybe

474
00:24:05.440 --> 00:24:08.319
they want you to feel as though they need your

475
00:24:08.319 --> 00:24:10.279
help to take care of them. You're the knight in

476
00:24:10.400 --> 00:24:11.119
shining armor.

477
00:24:11.119 --> 00:24:11.920
And so it really.

478
00:24:11.799 --> 00:24:15.279
Connects with that codependency, you know, the codependency matra. I

479
00:24:15.319 --> 00:24:18.960
got to do for others otherwise I have no value, right,

480
00:24:19.000 --> 00:24:20.680
I mean, I'm a recovering code of pendant.

481
00:24:20.759 --> 00:24:23.559
I understand I have to do for other others.

482
00:24:23.599 --> 00:24:26.079
Otherwise I have nothing and I am nobody, which is

483
00:24:26.119 --> 00:24:28.880
not true, but that's how when we were raised in

484
00:24:28.960 --> 00:24:32.240
certain dynamics, you believe that when you did something good,

485
00:24:32.319 --> 00:24:34.599
you were you were valuable. That you were not valuable

486
00:24:34.680 --> 00:24:36.799
just in and of itself. And yes, doing good for

487
00:24:36.839 --> 00:24:38.680
people is a good thing, but it doesn't mean that

488
00:24:38.680 --> 00:24:41.759
that just gives us value. We have innate value without

489
00:24:41.759 --> 00:24:45.279
doing anything. We could just sit and have an eight value. Okay,

490
00:24:45.359 --> 00:24:47.359
but that's something that I work with with my clients

491
00:24:47.400 --> 00:24:50.279
to understand and create that so that we stop being

492
00:24:50.359 --> 00:24:55.720
beaten up and disrespected and relationships. But think about it,

493
00:24:55.759 --> 00:24:58.359
sometimes we have we have to call this out if

494
00:24:58.359 --> 00:25:02.400
we want any change, we have to call out the toxicity.

495
00:25:03.039 --> 00:25:06.240
And I'm not talking about wrenching it up, you know,

496
00:25:06.440 --> 00:25:10.960
or or going to their level. I'm talking about calling

497
00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:14.480
it out. Hey, did you realize that in a positive

498
00:25:14.559 --> 00:25:18.319
in a positive call in a positive neutral way? Did

499
00:25:18.319 --> 00:25:21.359
you realize that you're getting angry about at me for

500
00:25:21.480 --> 00:25:24.319
going to the gym and going on the treadmill so

501
00:25:24.359 --> 00:25:27.039
that I can keep my cholesterol and my heart rate

502
00:25:27.039 --> 00:25:29.200
and the right spot. Do you understand that that's what

503
00:25:29.200 --> 00:25:32.599
you're fighting me for. I just want to ask because

504
00:25:32.640 --> 00:25:35.480
I want to make sure you understand that this is

505
00:25:35.519 --> 00:25:38.160
my health we're talking about. Or you know, Hey, i

506
00:25:38.200 --> 00:25:41.160
haven't seen John, my best friend from you know, from

507
00:25:41.279 --> 00:25:43.359
high school, and I've been wanting to see him and

508
00:25:43.400 --> 00:25:45.880
I've canceled multiple plans for him. We were going up

509
00:25:45.880 --> 00:25:48.920
the street, five minutes down the road for a beer.

510
00:25:49.359 --> 00:25:50.240
Do you understand that.

511
00:25:50.200 --> 00:25:54.200
You're getting angry about this and pointing it out and saying, hey,

512
00:25:54.200 --> 00:25:57.720
this is I'm a human. I have a life too,

513
00:25:57.759 --> 00:25:59.640
and I'm allowed to see my friends. I'm allowed to

514
00:25:59.640 --> 00:26:01.880
work out, I'm allowed to eat, I'm allowed to drink,

515
00:26:01.880 --> 00:26:03.599
I'm allowed to sleep, I'm allowed to do what I

516
00:26:03.680 --> 00:26:06.000
need to do. And sometimes you have to the only

517
00:26:06.039 --> 00:26:07.720
way out of this is to call it out and

518
00:26:07.759 --> 00:26:10.559
to do eventually what you want to do. There's really

519
00:26:10.559 --> 00:26:14.440
no other way. But it takes work and it takes time.

520
00:26:15.839 --> 00:26:18.240
And that's what I'm saying is that we have to

521
00:26:18.279 --> 00:26:24.680
be willing to accept the backlash.

522
00:26:22.920 --> 00:26:23.440
To move on.

523
00:26:23.759 --> 00:26:26.359
We have to be willing to accept the backlash to

524
00:26:26.440 --> 00:26:29.440
move on, and that can be hard and and and

525
00:26:29.759 --> 00:26:32.200
you know, I'll have another show for you sooner than later,

526
00:26:32.839 --> 00:26:36.319
which is you know about the leadership role. You know,

527
00:26:36.400 --> 00:26:38.759
in order to really move forward in our life, we

528
00:26:38.880 --> 00:26:44.519
have to take the lead. And you know, you like

529
00:26:44.640 --> 00:26:48.240
taking the lead and being the leader. You know, the leader. Yes,

530
00:26:48.279 --> 00:26:51.680
the leader has a lot on their plate, but nobody's

531
00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:54.400
nobody's really, you know, you know, nobody's really trying to

532
00:26:54.519 --> 00:26:57.400
kick down the follower or the person not in charge

533
00:26:58.160 --> 00:27:00.480
and anybody's life. We need to be in charge of

534
00:27:00.519 --> 00:27:06.799
our own life, our own direction, our own ship. We

535
00:27:06.880 --> 00:27:08.680
need to be in charge of that. We need to

536
00:27:08.720 --> 00:27:12.119
be at the home. We don't need someone else trying

537
00:27:12.160 --> 00:27:15.240
to be at the helm of our ship turning it

538
00:27:15.279 --> 00:27:17.759
around and taking it to a port we don't want

539
00:27:17.759 --> 00:27:20.599
to be at. That's only going to later on bite

540
00:27:20.640 --> 00:27:22.160
us in the butt anyway, and we're gonna have to

541
00:27:22.160 --> 00:27:23.960
make a lot of changes to get our life back

542
00:27:24.039 --> 00:27:27.799
on course. And I don't like to see that for anybody.

543
00:27:28.079 --> 00:27:30.839
I don't like to see that for anybody. And I

544
00:27:30.880 --> 00:27:33.519
think all of us have been there before. I've obviously

545
00:27:33.559 --> 00:27:37.119
been there before, or I could not help other people.

546
00:27:37.240 --> 00:27:40.599
You have to be successful in getting out of manipulative

547
00:27:40.640 --> 00:27:45.920
and controlling relationships with people with extreme narcissistic tendencies and

548
00:27:45.960 --> 00:27:49.200
what have you, and even borderline tendencies or combination even more,

549
00:27:49.240 --> 00:27:52.119
even sociopathic tendencies. You have to be able to be

550
00:27:52.160 --> 00:27:55.359
successful to help other people get out of it. If

551
00:27:55.359 --> 00:27:57.599
you haven't done it, you can't help anybody else get

552
00:27:57.640 --> 00:28:00.359
out of it. It's like if you don't have self love,

553
00:28:00.480 --> 00:28:03.720
like real self love, and you have created that and

554
00:28:03.799 --> 00:28:06.960
done that the proper way from you know, twenty plus

555
00:28:07.079 --> 00:28:10.200
years of working on loving yourself and separating from codependency,

556
00:28:10.240 --> 00:28:12.599
you can't help somebody. You're just basically going through the

557
00:28:12.640 --> 00:28:15.480
motions and maybe something will stick. But if you have

558
00:28:15.519 --> 00:28:18.759
a blind side of something, you can't help others. And

559
00:28:18.799 --> 00:28:21.559
this is something that I have thoroughly walked through, client

560
00:28:21.640 --> 00:28:25.480
after client after client to get this right. And their

561
00:28:25.519 --> 00:28:32.160
lives have changed in a major uptick by working through

562
00:28:32.240 --> 00:28:36.240
these things and reclaiming themselves. And so in another show

563
00:28:36.279 --> 00:28:38.119
we'll be talking more about the leadership role. But in

564
00:28:38.160 --> 00:28:42.559
this process, we have to sometimes rock the boat. We

565
00:28:42.640 --> 00:28:44.960
have to rock the boat to get our stuff across.

566
00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:48.000
We have to say and speak our truth, even if

567
00:28:48.200 --> 00:28:51.119
the yelling starts or whatever. Hey, I'm gonna take a break.

568
00:28:51.160 --> 00:28:53.480
You need to pull yourself together. We'll talk about it later,

569
00:28:54.039 --> 00:28:56.200
you know. I mean, but the thing is a lot

570
00:28:56.200 --> 00:28:57.680
of times you don't want to rock the boat because

571
00:28:57.680 --> 00:29:02.200
we put value of ourselves and our identity in that relationship.

572
00:29:02.240 --> 00:29:06.599
And that's what we have to divide from, is to

573
00:29:06.680 --> 00:29:14.200
divide our identity away from that relationship. Just because you

574
00:29:14.200 --> 00:29:17.480
know whether or not that relationship exists or doesn't exist,

575
00:29:18.319 --> 00:29:21.759
doesn't mean anything about us. It either exists or doesn't,

576
00:29:22.200 --> 00:29:25.480
but even if it doesn't, we are still good and

577
00:29:25.519 --> 00:29:27.240
that's what we have to kind of figure out.

578
00:29:27.920 --> 00:29:28.920
If you haven't checked out my.

579
00:29:28.960 --> 00:29:33.599
Website, go to Ashley Burgess dot com Ashleyberges dot com.

580
00:29:34.200 --> 00:29:37.000
You can also set up a coaching session right there

581
00:29:37.039 --> 00:29:42.240
on the coaching session page. Also go to YouTube check

582
00:29:42.279 --> 00:29:44.960
out YouTube and the search engine YouTube put in life

583
00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:50.680
Coach Ashley Burgess. Life coach Ashley b. E r Ges

584
00:29:51.319 --> 00:29:57.559
New video content out every week on these topics and

585
00:29:57.759 --> 00:30:01.440
exact topics like this, as well as over dealing with narcissm,

586
00:30:01.440 --> 00:30:03.720
dealing with all these various types of things, dealing with

587
00:30:04.039 --> 00:30:08.079
you know, manipulation, controlling people, how to overcome this, how

588
00:30:08.079 --> 00:30:10.759
to be successful, how to overcome the pain, the triggering.

589
00:30:10.839 --> 00:30:12.640
All those good things are on there, So check out

590
00:30:12.640 --> 00:30:16.079
the YouTube channel Life Coach Ashley Burgess. I hope this

591
00:30:16.200 --> 00:30:19.680
podcast has been of some awareness and help. Please share

592
00:30:20.200 --> 00:30:22.440
with any family members and friends. You can listen to

593
00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:28.599
it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeart Speaker, anywhere that a

594
00:30:28.640 --> 00:30:32.960
podcast is housed anywhere, so check it out Livery True

595
00:30:32.960 --> 00:30:35.640
Life Perspectives. Please share it with everybody. I have a

596
00:30:35.680 --> 00:30:39.839
news show out next week, every Wednesday. It'll pop every

597
00:30:39.839 --> 00:30:43.839
Wednesday between five and nine am, and I look forward

598
00:30:43.880 --> 00:30:46.240
to hearing any feedback. If you'd like to communicate with me,

599
00:30:46.319 --> 00:30:49.319
go to Asleyburgers dot com, click on that contact page

600
00:30:49.359 --> 00:30:50.920
and send me a message.

601
00:30:51.079 --> 00:30:52.519
I'll get back to you asap.

602
00:30:52.759 --> 00:30:55.000
And I love hearing from listeners, and I like to

603
00:30:55.039 --> 00:30:57.920
hear your opinions, your thoughts, and even subject matters that

604
00:30:57.960 --> 00:31:00.640
you would like me to discuss. Stay tuned in Literature

605
00:31:00.680 --> 00:31:03.279
Life Perspectives with your host me, Ashley Burgess will be

606
00:31:03.319 --> 00:31:05.359
back in I'll be back this time.

607
00:31:05.519 --> 00:31:05.880
You know it.

608
00:31:05.920 --> 00:31:09.680
I'll be back this time in three shakes