Sept. 15, 2026

How Did I Fall in Love with a Narcissist? [Ep: 820]

How Did I Fall in Love with a Narcissist? [Ep: 820]
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Clients have asked me, Why did I fall for a narcissist? How does this happen? There are a lot of reasons we fall prey and fall in love with someone who eventually takes their mask off and is a true narcissist. Whether it began in our childhood due to our parents narcissistic tendencies, the commonality that can be felt when meeting someone with similarities we may not be aware of, the love bombing and the attention we receiving from the person in the beginning, and countless others reasons for why this happens. Listen to this week’s episode of the Ashley Berges podcast and get more clarity and personal understanding of the inner struggle you will experience and feel when you realize the truth and have to decide how to navigate the future.

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Welcome back to the Ashley Burgess podcast. I recently had

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a YouTube viewer ask, why do people fall for narcissists?

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How does this happen? How do they get into a

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relationship with somebody like this? Did they know? Did they

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have an idea of what they were dealing with in

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the beginning? Well, that's the case. They didn't know what

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they were dealing with in the beginning. It's not like

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they went out and chose a narcissist to be in

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a relationship with. They actually chose the person that they

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met that showed up in the beginning of the relationship.

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The version of that person that seemed amazing, one of

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a kind, a soulmate or a twin flame. And then

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over time, that begins to augment and change. You're left

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with something completely different, a person that's utterly different than

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what you ever imagined could be. This is how it happens.

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And the problem is, is that you initially get into

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a relationship with one person, but over time, that person

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morphs and changes to somebody else. Now, it's the kind

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of concept of the chicken and the egg, right, which

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came first. You know it. In all honesty, this person

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has always been like they are later on. They develop

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this image and this mask that they use to be

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able to, well, get people to do what they want

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to do, to get people to fall in love with them,

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to get people to tell them all their dreams, desires,

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and secrets. And then they begin to gaslight and manipulate

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that person and use them for their resources and what

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they can get from them. So this is the issue.

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And I know that many of you are in a

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position right now that you're in a relationship with somebody.

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You never saw this coming. You never saw this coming.

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You thought you were in this relationship with this amazing person.

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And this is when the trouble hits is when the

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narcissist completely reveals themselves and you see them for who

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they truly are. What do you do? Because that becomes

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a conundrum, a personal conundrum for you. Because the pain

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of seeing the narcissist is overwhelming and actually kind of

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saddening for a while. Because the thing is, is that

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you begin to remember all the old times. You keep

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playing the old playbooks, the old times, all the fun,

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all the great times that you had, because a lot

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of times you did have fun. There was a lot

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of excitement or humor, whatever that was. And you start

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playing those back, those events, those nights, those times and

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all the fun that you had in the beginning. And

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you're thinking, where did this go? I want this back.

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Maybe if I do a few different things, maybe if

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I act a different way, maybe if I show up differently,

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maybe if I give more, I'm going to get that

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original person back. Because there's got to be something wrong.

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I must have done something wrong. And this goes back

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to our childhood. The reason why many of us find

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ourselves blindsided into narcissistic relationships is is that this reminds

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us of our childhood because our parents didn't give us attention.

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And instead of saying, man, my mom or dad is

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just not a good parent, we went within ourselves and said, well,

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you know, there's something wrong with me. I need to

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give more. I need to be a better child. I

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need to show up more. I need to do this.

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I need to do that. And I will win my

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parents' love. The concept of winning your parents' love is

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the same when you get into a narcissistic relationship. You

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begin to try to win their love, try to get

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them back, thinking that you're the problem, when in reality,

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they were never honest in the beginning. And this is really, well,

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kind of heartbreaking because what this is is a pattern

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of behavior. It's a situation where we choose people that

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remind us of our past. We choose people that remind

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us of our upbringing. And unfortunately, this is all trauma bonding.

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We're going to talk about this in today's podcast because

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this is something that needs to be talked about. Because

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I know that many of you are there right now.

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You're in a position where you've recognized the truth. about

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who this person is to you. You've realized that this

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narcissist is truly a narcissist. You've also realized the beginning

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was not honesty. And now you're grappling with the fact

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that this is the case. And I know some of

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you might not even be there yet. Some of you

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may still be on the hook. And that's where I

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find a lot of people at. They're still on the

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hook thinking that if they do something different, show up differently.

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that this person is going to augment and be like

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they were in the beginning. And if anything that you

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get out of this at all, listening to this short podcast,

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is that nothing you can do is going to change

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their behavior. Nothing you do will stop the narcissist from

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being a narcissist. You can do everything you want. You

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can give until you hurt, but even then, it's not

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going to be enough. Because remember, when we forget, when

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we put the blame on ourselves, when the blame is

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not to be on ourselves, we lose sight of reality.

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So that's the key, right? So many of you are

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still in the reveal stage. You know, is it a

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boy or a girl? You're still in the reveal stage.

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You don't know. You don't know. Is this person really

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a narcissist? Are they just having tough times? Are they

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just challenged right now? Are they just going through a

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bad state? What have you? And you're starting to give them, well,

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you're basically making excuses for their behavior. You're making excuses.

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And when you finally hit the last of your excuses,

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that's when you kind of get angry. You get miffed.

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You get upset. Maybe you start a fight with them.

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Maybe you walk out. And then usually what happens is

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the narcissist gives you a crumb here or there, gives

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you a slight crumb to get you to calm down,

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to get you to rethink things and fall back in

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line into where you were. But the thing is, is

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that when we go through these processes with these relationships,

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you begin to see more and more of the narcissist.

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And the more you see, if you're honest with yourself, see,

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this is the internal battle. When you are married or

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in a relationship with a narcissist, the internal battle, once

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the reveal has begun, is to see the truth, to

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not forget the truth, and to stop falling into the

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problematic situation of blaming yourself. Also, you have to get

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out of fantasy world, right? We have to move out

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of fantasy world. And this can be really hard for

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a lot of people. It doesn't matter if you're gay,

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you're straight. It doesn't matter. This can be very hard

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to see the truth, to go past fantasy world. It

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can be very hard. And many of you are stuck

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in fantasy world right now because there's still some good times.

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But then the bad times show up and the bad

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times are greater and more significant than the good times.

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But then all of a sudden there's a good time

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that really doesn't balance out anything. But you try to

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forget what just happened. But the thing is, is that

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the more honest you are with yourself, the more you

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can't unsee what's happening. And when you can't unsee it,

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it becomes this internal battle within yourself because you begin

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to get upset. You get confused. You get angry on

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a daily basis. Think about it. You're getting angry. You're

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internalizing this. This person is getting meaner and meaner and

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more intolerable. Maybe they don't want to hear anything about

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what you did that day. They're not compassionate. They're not empathetic.

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They don't care if you got hurt or something happened.

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They don't really care. They don't really care at all

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about it. And they make it very, I don't know,

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they make it clear to you that they don't really care.

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And that gets more and more in your face to

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the point that it's hard to have a day-to-day life

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with them knowing that this is kind of what's happening

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on a constant basis. The thing is, you finally get

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up enough gumption and you realize, OK, the narcissist is

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doing this. This is what's really happening. And you're ready

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to basically confront it. And then that's the day. And

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they know it. They know what's happening because you become

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their gravy train. You become the person that can help them.

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You become the gravy train. So that day they become

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super sweet. They show you how happy they are to

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have you in their life. And all of a sudden

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you're like, whoa, whoa, wow. And they'll do it long

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enough so that you get super, super confused. Okay. You're

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falling for it. You know, maybe, you know, there hasn't

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been any sex for a long time and now there's

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this wild sexual experience with them. And you're like, oh,

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my God, this is amazing. Or maybe they're so super

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nice and they go out of their way and they

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do all these things for you. And you're like, wow,

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this is amazing. But, you know, if you start really

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looking at the patterns of behavior, you realize that those

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days or moments come when you are about to basically

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leave the relationship. They wait it out because they know

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they don't want to do any extra. They don't want

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to lift a finger to do anything more for you.

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They kind of know when it's time. They know when

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you have literally gotten to the last point, when you

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are ready to end the relationship or you're ready to

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call them out. That is when they're going to put

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the charm on for just another few moments so that

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they can basically get reprieved. And you see over time, though,

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when they pull back and they're no longer being nice,

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you see how they treat other people, how they don't

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care about friends and family, about how they don't really

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care about you. And the only times they care about

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you is when they have to, because, for example, maybe

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you're their financial situation. You are their finances. So they

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don't want you to die or anything. And if you do,

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hopefully you have an expensive enough insurance policy that they

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can live for a while without you. And that's really

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what this is about. A narcissist doesn't see somebody as

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an actual human or a breathing, you know, being. They

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see people as objects. They see animals as objects. They

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see everything as objects. You're basically like the same as,

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I don't know, a bottle of water. When they need

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the water, great. They're awesome. They need that water. When

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they don't need the water, they don't think about the water.

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They're not thinking about you. So it's not like they

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don't have empathy. They don't even see you as really human.

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They just see you as a means to their absolute

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end of whatever they need in their life. And so

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you become just an asset. In a narcissistic relationship, when

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you are married or in a relationship with a narcissist,

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you are just an asset. You are not human. You

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are a thing. And then it's interesting because you look

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back at the beginning of this relationship and you realize

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that this person looked great on paper. They look great

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on paper. They seem to be this most amazing person,

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but it's really just quite the opposite. You've really signed

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a deal with somebody that's not going to show up

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for you in this relationship. It's interesting. It's like when

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I work with clients, a lot of these people, they

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get into these relationships with these people. And at the beginning,

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it seems like this person is just everything that they

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could possibly want. When in turn, it turns out to

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be nothing that they absolutely want. Actually quite the opposite.

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And then it becomes this inner battle, because remember, you

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can see it and you can see the problems and

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you can see the issues. But inherently, even if you

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see the problems and you see the issues, you're usually

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still battling with an upbringing of a parent dynamic who

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is also narcissistic in nature, who made you question your

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value and your reality on a daily basis. So now

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we're in this conundrum of another trauma bond. So you

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understand we got into this relationship because we, you know,

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unconsciously We were unconscious in the fact of really knowing

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what was going on. And I don't know if that's

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really the case at all. I think that we actually

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see things. I think we actually feel it. One of

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the biggest indications I find when we find ourselves in

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a narcissistic situation is it feels like home. When you

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meet somebody that ends up turning out to be one

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of the biggest narcissists that you've ever met, usually when

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you first met them, you're like, wow, this feels really comfortable.

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I feel like I've known this person for a long time. Well,

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you haven't known this person for a long time, but

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you've certainly known this pathology since you were born. Very interesting.

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So as you see this, like in the beginning, they develop,

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you know, they have this great persona that you believe.

230
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And they use that persona to get whatever they want.

231
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In the very beginning, you shared too much information with

232
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this person. You told them about your secrets and things

233
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that you would never tell. You told them about the

234
00:12:25.759 --> 00:12:27.940
secrets and things that you would never tell other people.

235
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And guess what happens? They begin to use that against you.

236
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Over a period of time, they begin to condemn you

237
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and put you down for things that you did. And

238
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they use your exact words to do it. It's almost

239
00:12:39.590 --> 00:12:42.809
like they remember verbatim. I wonder if they take notes

240
00:12:42.870 --> 00:12:44.669
in their iPhone to make sure that they write it

241
00:12:44.710 --> 00:12:47.620
down completely. Or maybe they're just recording you. Who knows?

242
00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:51.120
But it's interesting when they do have whatever dirt they

243
00:12:51.179 --> 00:12:53.500
have or whatever knowledge that they have that they want

244
00:12:53.539 --> 00:12:56.120
to use against you. That is what I have labeled

245
00:12:56.259 --> 00:12:59.779
and actually identified 10 years ago as forever ammunition. I

246
00:12:59.879 --> 00:13:03.659
came up with that entire terminology because I've had so

247
00:13:03.730 --> 00:13:07.330
much education within this situation, real life as well as

248
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book education, to understand how they use this ammunition to

249
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keep you stuck. And so think about it. You're in

250
00:13:15.409 --> 00:13:20.840
this inner battle. You can't unsee what you've seen. You

251
00:13:20.899 --> 00:13:25.250
can't unhear what you've heard. But we can't get back

252
00:13:25.309 --> 00:13:27.820
to the beginning of the relationship anymore. We try, but

253
00:13:27.860 --> 00:13:30.340
we can't get back. We have these crumbs, but we

254
00:13:30.419 --> 00:13:32.720
actually kind of begin to see. And as you pull

255
00:13:32.759 --> 00:13:35.870
back the curtain, you begin to realize that these crumbs

256
00:13:35.929 --> 00:13:40.490
are manufactured. And that really kind of sucks. So why

257
00:13:40.570 --> 00:13:43.009
is it so hard? Why does the struggle begin to

258
00:13:43.049 --> 00:13:46.450
be so internal? Why does the struggle of staying in

259
00:13:46.490 --> 00:13:49.820
this relationship or trying to get out of this relationship

260
00:13:49.940 --> 00:13:52.399
or figuring out who we are in this relationship, why

261
00:13:52.440 --> 00:13:56.860
does the struggle become so challenging to the individual who

262
00:13:56.940 --> 00:13:59.899
is not the narcissist? Okay, let's discuss that right now.

263
00:14:00.919 --> 00:14:02.970
The first thing is that the beginning of the relationship

264
00:14:03.019 --> 00:14:06.149
was pretty much a lot of fun. And you were

265
00:14:06.190 --> 00:14:09.220
getting a lot of attention from the narcissist. And, you know,

266
00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:11.639
everybody likes attention for some, you know, most of us

267
00:14:11.679 --> 00:14:14.200
like attention. Come on. So that attention was great. It

268
00:14:14.220 --> 00:14:16.919
was consistent in the beginning. Many of us didn't get

269
00:14:16.980 --> 00:14:20.509
attention in some past relationships. And so we desire that.

270
00:14:20.570 --> 00:14:23.850
Many of us didn't get attention from our parents when

271
00:14:23.870 --> 00:14:26.049
we were growing up. Some of us were even neglected

272
00:14:27.129 --> 00:14:29.889
by our parents. Some of us didn't see our parents

273
00:14:29.909 --> 00:14:34.759
very often. And most of our parents had cluster B dynamic.

274
00:14:34.860 --> 00:14:39.190
Most of our parents have narcissistic tendencies, or at least

275
00:14:39.210 --> 00:14:44.529
they were very self-centered and self-absorbed where our life came next.

276
00:14:44.590 --> 00:14:47.110
It came second, third, or fourth, but it wasn't first.

277
00:14:47.730 --> 00:14:49.009
And those are the things that I want us to

278
00:14:49.049 --> 00:14:51.620
think about because that's what leads us into these types

279
00:14:51.679 --> 00:14:55.080
of relationships. That's what leads us down this primrose path.

280
00:14:56.100 --> 00:14:57.720
And the second thing you want to think about is

281
00:14:57.740 --> 00:15:01.120
that you're romancing the beginning of the relationship, right? you're

282
00:15:01.139 --> 00:15:04.250
romancing it, you're thinking about it, and you're holding it

283
00:15:04.620 --> 00:15:08.250
in this higher level of thought. But in reality, it

284
00:15:08.309 --> 00:15:11.070
was only a mere amount of time. Many people, if

285
00:15:11.090 --> 00:15:13.490
you really look at it honestly, it's less than a year.

286
00:15:14.149 --> 00:15:15.809
The second thing that I want us to look at

287
00:15:15.889 --> 00:15:18.919
is romancing the beginning of the relationship and really looking

288
00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:22.100
at what truly happened. Well, the beginning of the relationship

289
00:15:22.139 --> 00:15:25.820
was phenomenal because it wasn't real. It was more like

290
00:15:25.860 --> 00:15:30.090
a film. And That's great and wonderful, but that's not true.

291
00:15:30.129 --> 00:15:34.070
That's not reality. That's not, that's not reality. And so, yeah,

292
00:15:34.090 --> 00:15:35.870
it feels really good. And we want to, you know,

293
00:15:35.970 --> 00:15:37.929
look at that over and over again. But if you're

294
00:15:38.009 --> 00:15:40.990
honest with yourself, many of you would have to acknowledge

295
00:15:41.029 --> 00:15:43.389
the fact that the beginning of the relationship was definitely

296
00:15:43.470 --> 00:15:46.370
less than a year. I would have to say that

297
00:15:46.450 --> 00:15:52.470
an average of six months at max, six months in

298
00:15:52.509 --> 00:15:56.440
the beginning of the relationship was amazing. Many of you

299
00:15:56.480 --> 00:15:58.870
will say more like four months. Many of you might

300
00:15:58.909 --> 00:16:02.009
say more like three months. Just depends on how long

301
00:16:02.049 --> 00:16:06.470
they were able to keep the mask on. The love

302
00:16:06.509 --> 00:16:11.190
bombing stage in a narcissistic relationship usually lasts less than

303
00:16:11.309 --> 00:16:15.899
six months. In that six months, though, you have all

304
00:16:15.940 --> 00:16:20.340
these fun experiences. You have crazy this and that. There's sex.

305
00:16:20.399 --> 00:16:24.629
There's this. There's excitement. There's a whirlwind romance. And then

306
00:16:24.850 --> 00:16:31.330
everything changes. And it's interesting because as everything changes, you

307
00:16:31.409 --> 00:16:35.509
can't seem to let that six months go. You keep

308
00:16:35.649 --> 00:16:39.720
holding on to that six months, hoping and praying that

309
00:16:39.759 --> 00:16:44.440
it's coming back. But it's not. And so some of

310
00:16:44.480 --> 00:16:48.500
you who are in this beginning Lumerence love bombing stage,

311
00:16:49.340 --> 00:16:53.860
I'm sorry to say, but... it'll be interesting because it's

312
00:16:53.899 --> 00:16:58.039
hard to get back into that situation. It's hard to

313
00:16:58.139 --> 00:17:01.500
let that go. And as it's harder to let that go,

314
00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:04.390
you begin to have more and more of an inner

315
00:17:04.450 --> 00:17:08.269
conflict because they're coming at you in one way while

316
00:17:08.329 --> 00:17:10.890
you're still hoping that they show up in another way.

317
00:17:11.809 --> 00:17:17.329
And that's so hard. That's really, really challenging. It's like

318
00:17:17.369 --> 00:17:21.890
having somebody be this angel in the beginning and And

319
00:17:21.910 --> 00:17:24.910
then all of a sudden they become this devil. And

320
00:17:24.930 --> 00:17:27.569
you're still hoping for the angel to show up. But

321
00:17:27.670 --> 00:17:29.809
all we got is the devil. So there's nothing else

322
00:17:29.849 --> 00:17:32.289
going on here. But we hope for the angel. We

323
00:17:32.309 --> 00:17:34.950
think about the angel wings, but we don't have that anymore.

324
00:17:35.009 --> 00:17:37.190
We have a pitchfork now. We don't have any of that.

325
00:17:38.990 --> 00:17:41.779
And it's hard because your brain plays tricks on you.

326
00:17:43.210 --> 00:17:45.920
And also, we don't want to necessarily move on. We

327
00:17:45.940 --> 00:17:52.250
want to be the person that makes this work. And

328
00:17:52.309 --> 00:17:54.589
that's a big problem. We'll talk about that here in

329
00:17:54.630 --> 00:17:57.269
a second. The next aspect that I want to cover

330
00:17:58.049 --> 00:18:04.069
is how their promises are empty. Their promises are just

331
00:18:04.230 --> 00:18:06.859
empty promises. They might have promised you a lot of

332
00:18:06.910 --> 00:18:10.799
things in the beginning. Those promises aren't real. They have

333
00:18:10.880 --> 00:18:14.500
no desire to fulfill those promises. Those promises were never

334
00:18:14.579 --> 00:18:19.410
going to be fulfilled. Okay? Never. Never. And often a

335
00:18:19.450 --> 00:18:22.970
narcissist will get you into a relationship and tell you

336
00:18:23.150 --> 00:18:25.049
all these things they're going to do for you and

337
00:18:25.069 --> 00:18:27.430
this life that you're going to have together. And you

338
00:18:27.470 --> 00:18:31.299
know what? None of it comes to fruition. None of it.

339
00:18:32.150 --> 00:18:35.099
And it's sad because you begin to realize that this

340
00:18:35.130 --> 00:18:39.359
was all an illusion that was created by a masterful

341
00:18:39.500 --> 00:18:47.190
manipulator who wanted to actually manipulate you. Again, remember, When

342
00:18:47.269 --> 00:18:52.690
somebody sees you as an object, they don't think about manipulation.

343
00:18:52.809 --> 00:18:55.759
They just think about what they want. And a narcissist

344
00:18:56.039 --> 00:18:58.859
only thinks about what they want. And the only time

345
00:18:58.880 --> 00:19:03.099
that they're nice to you is when they want something. Ultimately,

346
00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:06.339
a narcissist is only nice to you when they need you.

347
00:19:07.599 --> 00:19:10.430
Once they don't need you anymore, they will discard you.

348
00:19:10.690 --> 00:19:13.349
And they will find someone else to fulfill that obligation.

349
00:19:14.430 --> 00:19:20.309
Another victim. The interesting part, too, is that you realize

350
00:19:20.329 --> 00:19:23.650
that they are actually blaming you. So they'll blame you

351
00:19:24.450 --> 00:19:28.829
for what they haven't done. A narcissist is great about

352
00:19:28.930 --> 00:19:32.349
blaming other people for everything that they've failed at because

353
00:19:32.369 --> 00:19:37.319
they can't take responsibility for their actions. Empty promises and

354
00:19:37.420 --> 00:19:41.720
narcissists go hand in hand. They don't have any obligation

355
00:19:41.740 --> 00:19:44.349
to you. It's almost like they just speak out of

356
00:19:44.470 --> 00:19:46.539
one side of their mouth and they do the other.

357
00:19:46.900 --> 00:19:50.289
And some of them don't really do anything. i know

358
00:19:50.309 --> 00:19:53.009
that many of you might feel like you're actually babysitting

359
00:19:53.089 --> 00:19:56.299
someone like you actually have a child that you're babysitting

360
00:19:56.710 --> 00:19:59.440
it's not a spouse it's not a boyfriend or girlfriend

361
00:19:59.859 --> 00:20:03.539
it's a child you are babysitting a child and that

362
00:20:03.579 --> 00:20:05.539
child is not going to change they become a very

363
00:20:05.680 --> 00:20:09.920
petulant angry child It does whatever they want to do

364
00:20:10.059 --> 00:20:13.259
and just sees how far they can push you. How

365
00:20:13.640 --> 00:20:21.329
far can they push their situation? Because remember, I want

366
00:20:21.369 --> 00:20:23.950
to paint this picture so that maybe this picture will

367
00:20:24.009 --> 00:20:28.089
help you to see the truth and move forward. They

368
00:20:28.170 --> 00:20:31.859
see you as their cash cow. The narcissist sees you

369
00:20:32.240 --> 00:20:35.619
as someone they can dominate, someone they can take advantage of,

370
00:20:35.940 --> 00:20:38.910
and someone they can use. And until you see that,

371
00:20:39.460 --> 00:20:42.619
you really can't move on. Until you let go of

372
00:20:42.660 --> 00:20:46.450
the beginning of the relationship and see the manipulation, it's

373
00:20:46.529 --> 00:20:49.900
hard for you to let this go. And it goes

374
00:20:49.980 --> 00:20:52.859
back to our childhood. And I want everybody to analyze

375
00:20:52.900 --> 00:20:55.109
that because I think a lot of people, you know,

376
00:20:55.119 --> 00:20:56.529
we go through this. So I'm not going to blame

377
00:20:56.569 --> 00:20:58.930
my parents and I'm not talking about blaming your parents.

378
00:20:59.289 --> 00:21:01.410
I'm not talking about that. But I do think we

379
00:21:01.450 --> 00:21:03.470
need to be honest about that. Even if you've gotten

380
00:21:03.569 --> 00:21:06.910
older and wiser as an adult, you still were a child.

381
00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:09.240
And as a child, you didn't understand what was going on.

382
00:21:09.500 --> 00:21:12.220
It's not like, you know, you woke up one day,

383
00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:15.299
mom and dad are really not present. Neither one of

384
00:21:15.359 --> 00:21:18.259
them are there for your school activities. They don't really care.

385
00:21:18.299 --> 00:21:20.299
They don't really talk about you in a high manner

386
00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:22.299
unless they're in front of other people to try to

387
00:21:22.660 --> 00:21:25.299
make them look better. You don't really realize that they're

388
00:21:25.339 --> 00:21:28.519
kind of just not there for you. They're really self-centered

389
00:21:28.579 --> 00:21:31.549
and in their own world. And you have to ultimately

390
00:21:31.619 --> 00:21:34.069
assume there's something you did wrong to get them to

391
00:21:34.109 --> 00:21:36.289
be that way. You couldn't think, oh, my parents are

392
00:21:36.309 --> 00:21:40.789
just neglectful and kind of poor parents. Most parents, and

393
00:21:40.809 --> 00:21:42.650
I'm saying a lot of our parents were great, but

394
00:21:42.670 --> 00:21:44.410
a lot of parents didn't know what was going on.

395
00:21:44.890 --> 00:21:46.529
A lot of parents did the best they could. And

396
00:21:46.569 --> 00:21:49.109
then a lot of parents are very narcissistic in nature.

397
00:21:49.170 --> 00:21:52.329
They're very self-centered. And so if you were around this

398
00:21:52.369 --> 00:21:55.730
type of pathology growing up, this is commonplace for you.

399
00:21:55.789 --> 00:21:58.150
And what's happening here is not only are you trying

400
00:21:58.170 --> 00:22:01.069
to get the attention of this person currently, it's almost

401
00:22:01.109 --> 00:22:04.309
like you're still trying to win the attention from your parents.

402
00:22:04.490 --> 00:22:07.880
And you see, this is the trauma bond. is you

403
00:22:07.920 --> 00:22:11.660
don't see the trauma. So in a narcissistic relationship, you

404
00:22:11.680 --> 00:22:13.980
get in this relationship and then you're trying to win

405
00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:18.180
their attention and acceptance and approval from the narcissist. And

406
00:22:18.220 --> 00:22:22.319
it's almost compounded from parents and this relationship. So you're

407
00:22:22.339 --> 00:22:25.500
really trying so hard to get their attention, which makes

408
00:22:25.579 --> 00:22:29.359
them actually enjoy it even more because they know that

409
00:22:29.440 --> 00:22:31.539
you have to give more and you'll give as much

410
00:22:31.579 --> 00:22:34.359
as you possibly can to try to get them to

411
00:22:34.440 --> 00:22:37.940
love you when there's no intention of doing that. It's

412
00:22:38.000 --> 00:22:41.170
interesting also too, a narcissist will get in the way

413
00:22:41.750 --> 00:22:44.410
and triangulate other people in your life. And that's interesting

414
00:22:44.450 --> 00:22:48.809
because they will find a good friend of yours or

415
00:22:48.849 --> 00:22:52.710
a family member And they'll triangulate you and that person

416
00:22:52.809 --> 00:22:55.150
and them and make that person out to be this

417
00:22:55.230 --> 00:22:59.160
horrible person that you can't spend time with or they

418
00:22:59.180 --> 00:23:02.559
don't like or they can't stand being around. And it's

419
00:23:02.619 --> 00:23:05.299
almost like you have to give this concession of not

420
00:23:05.339 --> 00:23:07.799
being with this person. It's almost like, you know, this

421
00:23:07.819 --> 00:23:10.720
person's on the chopping block. Okay, well, I don't like

422
00:23:10.740 --> 00:23:12.519
you hanging out with John or I don't like you

423
00:23:12.539 --> 00:23:14.700
hanging out there. This person ruined our marriage or this

424
00:23:14.740 --> 00:23:16.640
person has done this or that or this person gets

425
00:23:16.680 --> 00:23:19.880
in the way of this or that. All that is used.

426
00:23:21.410 --> 00:23:23.640
to take the blame off of what they have done.

427
00:23:24.599 --> 00:23:26.859
It's not like they've showed up as the best wife

428
00:23:26.880 --> 00:23:31.400
or husband or girlfriend or boyfriend. Quite the opposite. So

429
00:23:31.420 --> 00:23:34.049
they have to find an outside source that has contributed

430
00:23:34.089 --> 00:23:36.589
to the problems in the relationship and then try to

431
00:23:36.710 --> 00:23:40.230
sever that tie with you and them. That's part of

432
00:23:40.279 --> 00:23:45.319
the narcissistic code. They will triangulate you with a friend

433
00:23:45.660 --> 00:23:49.059
or family member and in the process blame that person

434
00:23:49.339 --> 00:23:52.720
for any problems in your relationship. And again, the narcissist

435
00:23:52.759 --> 00:23:55.410
plays the victim. I want you to think about this.

436
00:23:56.529 --> 00:23:59.190
Because again, they see you as an object and they

437
00:23:59.250 --> 00:24:01.250
don't want you to have friends and they don't want

438
00:24:01.289 --> 00:24:03.710
you to have family. They don't want you to have

439
00:24:03.869 --> 00:24:07.559
anybody except them. And then they can really go to

440
00:24:07.599 --> 00:24:10.549
work on you. then they can really hurt you. They

441
00:24:10.589 --> 00:24:13.230
can really take you down. They can really take you

442
00:24:13.299 --> 00:24:17.240
down to size and make you feel horrible. Because once

443
00:24:17.319 --> 00:24:22.039
you are on your own with them, there's nothing saving you.

444
00:24:22.380 --> 00:24:26.789
There's no barrier to their abuse. There's no stopping it.

445
00:24:28.730 --> 00:24:30.970
And one of the things that narcissists do very well

446
00:24:32.490 --> 00:24:36.190
is they'll find the one person in your camp that

447
00:24:36.309 --> 00:24:40.400
sees them for who they truly are. That one person

448
00:24:40.440 --> 00:24:44.220
who sees them for who they truly are. And that

449
00:24:44.279 --> 00:24:47.500
person scares the shit out of them. They don't like

450
00:24:47.539 --> 00:24:51.970
that person. Because that person has their number. And they

451
00:24:52.009 --> 00:24:54.369
might not be going around telling everybody what's going on.

452
00:24:54.410 --> 00:24:57.549
That person might be holding it in. Not speaking that.

453
00:24:57.650 --> 00:25:00.930
Not talking about it. But knows the truth. And that

454
00:25:00.990 --> 00:25:05.789
person becomes enemy number one. And that person can be

455
00:25:05.849 --> 00:25:08.759
quiet as a church mouse. But that's the thing. They

456
00:25:08.799 --> 00:25:12.539
don't like that because they don't want somebody calling them

457
00:25:12.740 --> 00:25:16.240
out or speaking the truth because we have to live

458
00:25:16.319 --> 00:25:21.589
in these weird shadows. Because remember, the narcissist is able

459
00:25:21.650 --> 00:25:24.710
to thrive in shadows. They're not able to thrive in light.

460
00:25:26.089 --> 00:25:29.289
They can't thrive in the light because they are not

461
00:25:29.349 --> 00:25:34.549
the light. They are the opposite. And in the process

462
00:25:34.619 --> 00:25:37.130
of being with a narcissist, you lose out on the

463
00:25:37.170 --> 00:25:40.170
things that you love if you allow it. Many of

464
00:25:40.210 --> 00:25:44.569
you are very strong. And to the strong people out

465
00:25:44.609 --> 00:25:48.230
there that have kept their friendships, kept their family member relationships,

466
00:25:48.710 --> 00:25:53.170
kept that, I admire you. Hats off to you. But

467
00:25:53.210 --> 00:25:56.950
you have struggled to do that. If you've been in

468
00:25:56.990 --> 00:26:01.059
a narcissistic relationship and fought to keep your friends and family,

469
00:26:01.319 --> 00:26:04.519
I respect you. You've gone that extra mile and you

470
00:26:04.579 --> 00:26:06.559
know that you need to keep them. But I know

471
00:26:06.579 --> 00:26:10.700
that the fight has been hard and challenging and every day.

472
00:26:12.400 --> 00:26:14.160
But I want you to think about that. The fighting

473
00:26:14.180 --> 00:26:16.319
that you're having to do to just keep your life

474
00:26:16.380 --> 00:26:19.000
in balance with the people that care about you. This

475
00:26:19.079 --> 00:26:21.299
is something that you should not be fighting. There should

476
00:26:21.339 --> 00:26:25.240
not be fights over your friends and your family. This

477
00:26:25.440 --> 00:26:30.160
is absurd fighting. This is evil. This is super negative.

478
00:26:30.440 --> 00:26:33.059
This is demonic. I need you to think about this

479
00:26:33.079 --> 00:26:35.960
stuff because this is the stuff that is very problematic

480
00:26:36.359 --> 00:26:40.259
because we fall into this trap of trying to explain ourselves,

481
00:26:40.819 --> 00:26:43.599
trying to do all these things to make the narcissist

482
00:26:43.660 --> 00:26:45.720
happy with us. And I'm so glad that some of

483
00:26:45.759 --> 00:26:51.789
you have the kahunas to stand up to it. Because ultimately,

484
00:26:51.809 --> 00:26:55.420
a narcissist will turn the entire relationship around. They will

485
00:26:55.460 --> 00:26:58.000
make it all about them. They will make you get

486
00:26:58.039 --> 00:26:59.960
rid of all your friends and family. They will take

487
00:27:00.019 --> 00:27:02.519
away everything that's fun for you, everything that you like

488
00:27:02.559 --> 00:27:04.680
to do. All of that will go into the trash.

489
00:27:06.160 --> 00:27:09.369
And there will be nothing. And the interesting part, too,

490
00:27:09.390 --> 00:27:11.390
that I found is a narcissist will take you down

491
00:27:11.509 --> 00:27:15.039
all the way. All the way. They might stay with

492
00:27:15.079 --> 00:27:17.160
you all the way until you die and people go, wow,

493
00:27:17.220 --> 00:27:18.839
what happened to him? Well, I don't know. I mean,

494
00:27:18.900 --> 00:27:21.440
cancer or whatever this happened. Well, it's like you're around

495
00:27:21.480 --> 00:27:24.309
all this, you know, this narcissist negative energy all day.

496
00:27:24.380 --> 00:27:27.549
What do you expect? Or they will take you down

497
00:27:27.589 --> 00:27:30.549
to the studs. Think about this. A narcissist will take

498
00:27:30.589 --> 00:27:33.190
you down to the studs. And when they take everything

499
00:27:33.269 --> 00:27:35.799
from you, that's usually when they decide it's time to

500
00:27:35.859 --> 00:27:39.990
leave you. So for everybody out there that is fighting

501
00:27:40.059 --> 00:27:43.099
a narcissist to keep your family and friends around, keep

502
00:27:43.180 --> 00:27:47.759
them around you. Circle the wagons because once they're gone,

503
00:27:47.900 --> 00:27:54.140
you are the only target in town. You're it. And

504
00:27:54.180 --> 00:27:56.960
this is not a relationship. This is painful. This is

505
00:27:57.000 --> 00:28:01.759
like a hunting expedition, right? This is crazy stuff. And

506
00:28:01.799 --> 00:28:04.680
so I need you to see the truth because they're

507
00:28:04.700 --> 00:28:07.440
going to make it all about them. They're going to

508
00:28:07.460 --> 00:28:11.660
be the victim in their own play. They're the victim

509
00:28:11.700 --> 00:28:15.309
in their own narrative. And that's what's so hard to

510
00:28:15.369 --> 00:28:19.569
understand is they make themselves to be the victim. The

511
00:28:19.690 --> 00:28:24.150
narcissist victimizes you and turns around and makes themselves the

512
00:28:24.210 --> 00:28:29.460
victim and makes you feel bad for it. That's the game.

513
00:28:30.920 --> 00:28:34.440
That's the game. Projection. You know, when we deal with

514
00:28:34.500 --> 00:28:40.900
narcissistic relationships, it's constant projection, which means that this person literally, one,

515
00:28:40.940 --> 00:28:45.440
has absolutely zero self-awareness. But two, they're going to blame

516
00:28:45.460 --> 00:28:48.509
you for everything. And three, you're never going to convince

517
00:28:48.549 --> 00:28:51.460
them otherwise because they don't see it that way. They

518
00:28:51.509 --> 00:28:56.410
are actually wired differently. They are wired completely differently. And

519
00:28:56.430 --> 00:29:00.490
that's scary. It's like two ships passing in the night.

520
00:29:00.789 --> 00:29:03.109
One has no idea what's going on. You're trying to

521
00:29:03.150 --> 00:29:05.630
figure this out. And that's why being in a narcissistic

522
00:29:05.670 --> 00:29:11.150
relationship is so unhealthy because that person doesn't see you

523
00:29:11.579 --> 00:29:14.859
as a human. They see you as an object. They're

524
00:29:14.880 --> 00:29:17.539
going to project on you and they ultimately will make

525
00:29:17.619 --> 00:29:20.920
you the reason for everything that's a problem in their life.

526
00:29:21.480 --> 00:29:24.019
And they will believe it to the day that they die.

527
00:29:27.119 --> 00:29:33.579
Zero self-awareness. They project almost to a severe state of nonstop.

528
00:29:35.559 --> 00:29:40.410
And you're stuck in it. And so I guess. i

529
00:29:41.059 --> 00:29:43.960
want to ask a question of everybody listening to the

530
00:29:43.980 --> 00:29:47.779
podcast today is you know at what point do you

531
00:29:47.859 --> 00:29:50.319
feel that it has become so unhealthy that you must

532
00:29:50.400 --> 00:29:53.359
leave at what point do you feel that you can

533
00:29:53.500 --> 00:29:59.509
overcome this trauma bond and pull it together And this

534
00:29:59.569 --> 00:30:01.750
is what I work on with clients is to basically

535
00:30:01.789 --> 00:30:04.430
get over this trauma bond that we really actually have

536
00:30:04.450 --> 00:30:07.349
in this relationship based on the upbringing and the situation,

537
00:30:07.710 --> 00:30:12.119
being able to see it clearly and realize that this

538
00:30:12.150 --> 00:30:15.079
relationship is really, yes, it's a lot of the problem,

539
00:30:16.779 --> 00:30:19.579
but it actually happened because we haven't dealt with the

540
00:30:19.619 --> 00:30:23.480
issues from our past already. If we had gotten through that,

541
00:30:24.109 --> 00:30:27.390
We wouldn't be falling into this situation of somebody that

542
00:30:27.430 --> 00:30:30.650
seems to be perfect, who's not falling into this trap

543
00:30:30.730 --> 00:30:33.349
of all this attention that turns around and bites us

544
00:30:33.390 --> 00:30:35.930
in the ass. We wouldn't be falling for this. We

545
00:30:35.950 --> 00:30:37.690
would have seen the red flags a long time ago.

546
00:30:39.670 --> 00:30:41.259
And so that's where I want us to get is

547
00:30:41.279 --> 00:30:43.519
when we get there and we realize that and we

548
00:30:43.579 --> 00:30:46.599
see it, the relationship with the narcissist begins to kind

549
00:30:46.640 --> 00:30:49.059
of wane because you realize this has all been, well,

550
00:30:49.119 --> 00:30:52.339
part of my life. upbringing. And it's really me trying

551
00:30:52.359 --> 00:30:54.279
to do a patterns of behavior and problems from the

552
00:30:54.319 --> 00:30:56.039
past and trying to right the wrongs. But I really

553
00:30:56.079 --> 00:30:58.839
can't do that with this person. But this is just

554
00:30:58.900 --> 00:31:00.859
showing me the pain and suffering I went through. And

555
00:31:00.920 --> 00:31:04.039
if I'm willing and able to stand up for myself

556
00:31:04.119 --> 00:31:06.039
in life, am I willing and able to stand up

557
00:31:06.059 --> 00:31:08.849
for myself, be the person I need to be and

558
00:31:09.509 --> 00:31:11.470
move forward? And I hope that y'all can think about

559
00:31:11.509 --> 00:31:13.789
these questions. I hope that you can think about these

560
00:31:13.849 --> 00:31:17.990
questions and honestly gauge how you feel because I want

561
00:31:18.009 --> 00:31:20.339
the best for you. And I know that for a fact,

562
00:31:20.390 --> 00:31:22.799
if you're in a relationship with a narcissist, a covert

563
00:31:22.839 --> 00:31:26.700
narcissist or a malignant narcissist, this relationship is not the

564
00:31:26.740 --> 00:31:29.720
best for you. And some of you may be married

565
00:31:29.759 --> 00:31:33.329
in this situation, but getting some clarity and some division

566
00:31:33.349 --> 00:31:36.670
and getting your friends and family back is number one

567
00:31:36.789 --> 00:31:40.210
to you getting some autonomy and understanding and being able

568
00:31:40.250 --> 00:31:44.170
to feel yourself again. If you haven't already, please subscribe

569
00:31:44.210 --> 00:31:48.359
to the YouTube channel. We almost have 200,000 subscribers and

570
00:31:48.380 --> 00:31:51.759
we'd love to have more subscribers because it tells me

571
00:31:51.819 --> 00:31:54.900
and the team that we're doing stuff that's right. You know,

572
00:31:54.940 --> 00:31:58.670
between me, George and Rhonda, we're working really hard on everything.

573
00:31:58.950 --> 00:32:01.710
And some of these videos, you know, it just depends.

574
00:32:01.750 --> 00:32:03.490
And we're just trying to figure out what everybody wants

575
00:32:03.529 --> 00:32:06.890
to hear, what we need to talk about, what's important, basically.

576
00:32:06.970 --> 00:32:09.930
What is the information that you want to hear for

577
00:32:09.970 --> 00:32:12.859
your life? Also, if you'd like to work with me,

578
00:32:12.890 --> 00:32:19.220
go to ashleybergess.com, ashleybergess.com. Click on that coaching section and

579
00:32:19.359 --> 00:32:22.500
set up an appointment right there. You can also contact

580
00:32:22.539 --> 00:32:25.920
me on the contact page on the website, ashleybergess.com, and

581
00:32:25.960 --> 00:32:29.799
I'll respond ASAP. In the meantime, I want you to

582
00:32:29.859 --> 00:32:31.539
live your true life. And in order to live our

583
00:32:31.599 --> 00:32:34.119
true life, we have to be honest and truthful with

584
00:32:34.160 --> 00:32:38.180
ourselves and in our relationships and see people clearly without

585
00:32:38.589 --> 00:32:43.819
masks or guises. You've been listening to the Ashley Burgess Podcast.

586
00:32:43.859 --> 00:32:46.299
Thank you for tuning in. And check out the podcast

587
00:32:46.319 --> 00:32:48.220
this week, next week. And if you want to, you

588
00:32:48.240 --> 00:32:52.349
can look on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and anywhere that you

589
00:32:52.390 --> 00:32:54.460
want to listen to a podcast. Have a good one.