Feb. 18, 2025

Helping Children to Better Process Anger and to Realize their True Personal Worth. [Ep. 790]

Helping Children to Better Process Anger and to Realize their True Personal Worth. [Ep. 790]

Processing and understanding our emotions and seeing our inherent value are two things we strive to achieve in our lifetime. Some of us are still struggling to master one or both of these goals. As adults many of us aren’t taught this by our family or...

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Apple Podcasts podcast player iconSpotify podcast player iconRSS Feed podcast player icon

Processing and understanding our emotions and seeing our inherent value are two things we strive to achieve in our lifetime. Some of us are still struggling to master one or both of these goals. As adults many of us aren’t taught this by our family or parental unit because they were not taught it by their parents. The younger we are able to grasp these concepts and implement them the happier we will be with ourselves and in life. Joining me on today’s show is Sharmilla Fassbender, counselor, mother of four, and children’s author. Sharmilla has written three inspiring children's books, each carrying a meaningful lesson to help kids navigate life’s challenges. Through her storytelling, she empowers children to embrace growth and resilience. Her latest book, Fantastically Me!, encourages kids to embrace their uniqueness, while her upcoming release, Angry? That’s Ok!, teaches kids that anger is an emotion, but also explores healthy ways to express and manage it. Sharmilla’s books offer valuable insights not just for children but for adults as well. Tune in as we discuss her work and the powerful lessons it imparts.
You can find Sharmila's books and information below
Website: www.bfgminds.com
Amazon:https://a.co/d/1QMKGXi
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bfgminds?igsh=MXI4bzNqbmM3bmdw
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/share/18yiupna1c/

Empowering Kids Through Stories: Sharmilla Fassbender’s Inspiring Books
Life Lessons for Kids: Sharmilla Fassbender on Emotions, Growth, and Strength

Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-ashley-berges-show--1272964/support.

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You're in a good place now. You are listening to

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Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back Live to liver her true life perspectives, and

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I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On today's show, we're going

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to be talking to a children's author. She's written three books,

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and all of these books have distinct direction to really

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help our children process the world we live in, understand

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themselves better, and really connect with themselves at a certain

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emotional level. Charmeila Fastbender joins me. She's a counselor and

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a three time children's author, and Scharmela, I'm so glad

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to have you on the show today on Live your

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True Life Perspectives.

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Thank you so much for having me, Ashley. It's very

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exciting to be here.

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It's amazing to have you on because I love your books,

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by the way, and I want to jump in on fantastically.

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Me tell me a little bit about the backstory for

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writing this book and creating it.

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Thank you fantastically. Me was with my sister and I

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write these books together, and the characters are all based on,

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you know, little things about our own children and our

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own lives and the reason we wanted to write something

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like This was because we feel like we live in

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a world now that children are constantly comparing themselves to others,

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and it's made really easy with the use of the

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Internet and how easily all that information is available, and

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we wanted to remind children that they're great just the

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way they are, and they don't need to be like

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somebody else, but still champion other people and their abilities,

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but be really happy with what they can do themselves.

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I love that, and I love the book. I read

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fantastically me and I love it because you're right. It's

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we start looking at other people and the talents, you know,

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the other children have. I think even adults do this

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a lot too, and we try to mimic what other

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people are doing, and we don't really see the value

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in what we have within us exactly.

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And keeping in mind that the reader is actually the

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grown up and the adult, we want to also reach

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these kind of messages to the grown up as well

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as the children, and that's an important part of our

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aspect in writing.

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I love that and when I when I opened the book,

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first off, you know, great illustrations, very colorful, and I

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love how you have like Lexi, the Lemur Marcus, the Monkey,

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Ethan the Elephant, Zazzi Zebra, James Joey, I love that,

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and Frederic Flamingo.

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Those are super cute. I mean, where did that come from?

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So all the names of the characters are actually names

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of our children, and they sort of embody some of

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their personality. Lexi Lemur, for example, is my daughter whose

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name is Alexandria, but my sister calls a Lexi, and

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so she's Lexie Lemur. And Friedrich Flamingo is my son,

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and honestly, my sister in law illustrated the book for

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us and we think she did a wonderful job. And

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with Friedrich Flamingo, he sort of actually looks like my son,

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which is really cute, really great, so sweet.

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I love it, And they all have there are distinct personalities.

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And the really interesting part is that, you know, all

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the characters in the book have a specific talent that's

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specific to them.

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Right, and we wanted to make it relatable to other

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children who would maybe like dancing and maybe like climbing

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around and like James Joey, for example, his talent is

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about building and demolishing, which is absolutely what one of

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my sons loves to do. So and a lot of

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kids like to do that too. They build the tower

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with the blocks and the demolishing is part of that,

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and it brings so much joy and so much fun,

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and we just wanted to embody that in all of

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our writing.

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I love that.

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And then you have Cain who shows up in the

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book and I think this is interesting, So let's talk

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about this particular character. Sure, so, so this person, like

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this character is embodying all this stuff, you know, like

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it has it seems to have like all the glitz

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and guam, right.

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And so he comes in with this you know, beautiful

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butterfly and twirling and swirling and doing all this magic

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tricks on stage and it looks amazing, right, And that's

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really what life is about. Sometimes it's all about, you know,

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finesse and phizas. And then people get kind of trapped

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in that and then want to be like that forgetting

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that they have that same talent and finesse in themselves.

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That's very true.

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And it's like we get caught up and watching someone else,

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and especially in this particular case, like all the other

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characters are like, wow, you know, this one has like

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all this going on, has all this like routine and

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all this ability and then and then the interesting part

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is now the characters start wanting to change up what

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they're good at, and in the process they kind of,

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like I guess, not only kind of lose momentum, but

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they start realizing, oh my gosh, what am I doing?

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Kind of thing.

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Yes, And I think it's an important part of growing

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is that sometimes we have to experience and do these

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things because failure is actually a really good thing. It

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helps you grow. That growth mindset aspect is such an

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important thing to have in children, I think in adults too,

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because we forget that failure leads to learning, and learning

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is really the best way to grow, and it's the

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quickest way to grow when sometimes you fail. So I,

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you know, my husband usually tells us, hey, fail quicker

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and you learn faster. And I kind of like that

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a little bit. In this case, you know, the characters

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wanted to be more like King kamiha Maha, this beautiful butterfly,

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and then when they went from stage and tried that,

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they realized, Hey, you know, I'm actually great at what

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I'm doing. I don't need to be like somebody else.

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I love that.

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And it's like Lexi realizes you know, her talents are good,

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you know, and she can be herself and not someone else.

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And I like how you know, each character kind of

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goes down their own path of you know, trying this

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out and then you know, somewhat kind of failing or

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falling down, and then and then reevaluating at some point.

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Right, And that's the aspect of the growth mindset that

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we're trying to introduce more and more children too, that

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you can try something and if it doesn't work out,

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you reevaluate and figure out how it works out best

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for you. Because everybody's bodies are different, everybody's talents are different,

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and we are going to have to find ways to

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work with that because we are not going to be

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like everybody else exactly.

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And I love the fact too that this is obviously

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a book, you know, that a parent would read to

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their child. And I think it also, you know, so

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much connects with the parent because I think nowadays it's

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like you see people that seem to have like all

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this talent, like uh, you know that they're this and

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they're that, and they have all these degrees and they

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can speak like this, and it's like, I think we

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as a culture are kind of suffering through this as well.

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Absolutely, you know, just from an Asian perspective with that,

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we grew up in a culture where if you're not

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grinding and hustling all the time, you are not doing well.

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So there's this serious, I think reevaluation that needs to

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be done with how a child or even an adult

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is perceived that we don't need to be great at

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everything and you know, be part and have our head

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into everything, because I think it's putting unnecessary stress on

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our bodies and that we can champion what we love

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and enjoy and I think that would have a better

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outcome on our mental health in general.

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I totally agree.

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I totally agree, and I do think that we struggle

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this in society today. And I think it's been a

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struggle for a long time. Because you're right, if you're

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not out there doing this or doing that, or creating

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this or creating this type of capital or doing whatever,

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you know, what are you doing? Or you know, how

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are you measuring success? And I think that we've really

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I think we're really far from really analyzing that honestly

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in our society.

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Absolutely, and that's so key. How are you measuring success?

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Because I think that looks different for so many people,

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and I think the problem is that we are trying

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to measure success based on what we're seeing in other

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people instead of going inward and figuring out how looks

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for ourselves.

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Yes, and it's interesting because it is such an individual thing,

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and I think that we get taken I guess, off course,

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I would say when it comes to social media as well.

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As you look at somebody on a social media you know,

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like a Facebook or an Instagram or what have you,

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and you see somebody doing X y z, and it's.

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Like, why am I not doing x y z? Why

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am I not competing or doing that right?

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And that's the crucial part about the social media a

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component now in raising children. They're getting so much access

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to this that they feel like they need to be

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a certain way or otherwise they're not enough. So it's

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actually parenting in this day and age, I find that

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we are as parents, we are having to navigate a

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lot more than what we maybe our parents needed to

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when we were children. I think this day and age

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in technology is making things a little more difficult in

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terms of finding that proper balance because we do live

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in a society now where we have constantly something going on,

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both parents working or you know, extracurricular activities. There's no

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real downtime anymore. And without that downtime, there's no real

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time for families to connect anymore. And this is part

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of that reading together aspect that I think is so

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crucial that families need to find time to read together,

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because I think it is a great way for families

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to bond together, even the busy families, because ten minutes

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out of your day could make a world of difference.

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That is so true, and it really connects.

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And I think sometimes too, it's like also looking at

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both sides of that equation. I think that sometimes you know,

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parents go, oh, this is my obligation. But I think

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also part of it is not really obligation. It's about,

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you know, connecting and having that connection and how powerful

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that is for everybody.

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Absolutely, Like you know, I have four children and there

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are nine and ten year old and two and three

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year olds, so I have two different sets of kids

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with two different needs. I read what I read to

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my nine and ten year old, my two and three

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year old are not going to enjoy. You know, we

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find that balance and that time where sometimes I have

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to read for my older two later at night or

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earlier in the day when my younger two are busy

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doing other stuff. So it's a working progress and what

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I do may not work for somebody else. But I

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think finding that little bit of time to connect and

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read together would really be quite essential today.

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I agree, And it's like finding that time. And I

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think also changing our direction on what is success like

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changing our definition on that, because I do feel like

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our definitions are old and outdated and they keep us

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from really actually doing the things that actually make you

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feel good.

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Yes, that's so true, because you know, what could be

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successful for our family may not actually be successful for yours.

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We are not living your life and what it entails.

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So figuring that out as an individual and then figuring

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it out as a family, I think is so crucial.

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And you're absolutely right about that defining thing. And once

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you are all on the same page as a family,

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I think that would make a world of a difference

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with connecting with each other.

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Very powerful, very powerful, and I love the characters are

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so great, and I mean and then when they all

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come together and they realize that they can do this

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and belief in oneself is what matters. The most, and

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I think that is so important and no matter what

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age is being able to believe in yourself and see

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the value that you.

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Yes absolutely like. It's one of those stories that I

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think you can revisit, especially if you notice that a

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child may need it. It's easy to revisit even if

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it's you know, going through it real quick or talking

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about what this character is going through and how they

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overcame that by realizing that they are an just exactly

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as they are.

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And that's what I think is so amazing.

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And so when we're turning to be talking more about

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Fantastically Me, Charmeila is gonna also be discussing her third book,

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which is so awesome. So stay tuned, don't change the channel.

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Live your True Life Perspectives with your host me, Ashley Burgess,

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will be back in I'll be back this time.

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You know it.

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I'll be back this time into.

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Shakes, Turn it up and jump in the deep end

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on Perspectives. Now here's Ashley.

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Welcome back live to Live your True Life Perspectives and

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I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. Joining me on today's show

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is Scharmeila Faspender. She's a three time author and a counselor.

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And it's very awesome because we've been talking about her

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second book fantastically, me and Charmela. It was interesting when

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I look back at that concept, which I love, is about,

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you know, believing in oneself is what matters the most,

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and it really does connect you know, not only with children,

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but with adults, you know, worldwide, right.

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I think it's a message that we need to tell

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ourselves pretty often, and we don't. I think we constantly.

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I mean, if you think about the things that you

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talk to yourself, how often is that a positive thing

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or are you talking mostly negative things to yourself? This

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is one of those affirmations I find that is great

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to both the child and the adult to have in

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their systems.

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That's so true and being able to evaluate that, and

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that goes across the board for everybody listening, you know.

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I think it's such a huge thing to really analyze that,

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because if we're telling ourselves a bunch of negative stuff,

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or we're judging ourselves adversely on all this stuff, it's

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going to be hard for us to really not only

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find our talent and a skill set, but it's going

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to be hard for us to actually appreciate ourselves right.

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That self appreciation piece is so vital in today's day

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and age, just because it's so easy to compare ourselves

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to others, and you know, with imposter syndrome and all

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this other stuff going on, when are we going to

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take a step back and re evaluate how we view

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ourselves before we step out into the world. Because if

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you want to be respected as a person, it comes

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from within. And this kind of messaging starts when you're little,

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if you And that's why I wrote this book with

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my sister. It's because we want our children to feel

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like they are fantastic exactly as they are, and we

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want children to believe that as well, and as they

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grew up, to continue to believe that will only make

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I feel the world a better place.

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That is so true. That is so true, and to

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understand that.

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And it's and it's something that I think, it's you know,

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we get it, and we understand it, we process it. It,

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we get it, we process it, we hear it from

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another angle. It's something that we basically work on, I think,

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our whole life.

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Yes, and we are going to go through times where

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we constantly questioning if we made the right choices or

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am I doing this right? And I think that's natural

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part of being a human. But what the difference is,

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what do we tell ourselves more often? Are we telling

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the negative self negative stuff more often? Or are we

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bringing ourselves back to a place where we can appreciate

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what we have learned, even if it's a mistake that

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we've made, appreciate that it was a lesson and we

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can grow and move on. I think that's key into

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having that strong piece of mental health in today's day

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and age.

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And I also think too that the concept of failure,

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and I think that a lot of people use that

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word way too broadly and way too much, because I

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don't really feel like if we do something and you

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try it, I don't really think it's failure.

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Right, and failure to me means that you have decided

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to give up. The effort portion of it is what's

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most important. And this is something that I do with

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my kids. We don't necessarily praise the end product of something.

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We praise the effort that they put into doing the work.

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For example, if my child brought me the math problem

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and they tried it and it didn't quite work out,

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and I'm not going to say, hey, you got the

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problem wrong. I'm gonna say, I'm going to lead with

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I love your effort. Let's try and see where we

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can fix it to get the correct answer. Something like

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math is very black and white, whereas something like art.

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If you know, my three year old brings me a

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drawing of something that looks like a looks like, I

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don't know, a tree, but really the dinosaur, I'm gonna go.

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I'm gonna say, oh my gosh, I love your dinosaur.

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That looks so awesome. I can see the effort you

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put into making the tail and making you know, just

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just to appreciate the effort over the end product I

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think would help with the need to keep trying.

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Mm hmm. Yeah, it's about effort. And you're right.

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I agree with you about your concept of I don't

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think anything's failure if you actually work at it or try.

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And I think it is about the effort, and I

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think sometimes we lose sight of that. We get so

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concentrated in Okay, success is based on this, this and that,

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and it's like, but if we actually move forward and

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do something and not just sit there, I think that's

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a positive move in a positive motivating direction and whether

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or not something works or not. I think sometimes unfortunately

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we've been taught this whole no is horrible, No is bad, right,

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Sometimes no is not bad.

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No it's not bad because I mean from a personal perspective,

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I find the need to say yes so much because

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I do not want to upset somebody else that I

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have found times where I'm just drowned in this where

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i feel like it's too much, whereas a simple no

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would have really helped me and my mental health. So

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it's something that I'm working on myself. But I think

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being aware self awareness is a great one for that

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to just hey, okay, I'm doing this again and step

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away and regroup.

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Self awareness is so important and understanding, you know, especially

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you know with children. It's like it's something important to

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teach them as a parent, you know about I think,

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you know, looking at something, you know, giving your effort,

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you know, putting energy into that, and then being able

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to see that no matter what. And I think that's

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so important. I don't think a lot of people, a

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lot of adults got that.

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Responasment. Yeah, in the very beginning.

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Correct and writing these books, we are speaking to the

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adult as well as the child, because I think a

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lot of us have maybe some of our childhood that

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needs healing ourselves, and listening to these sort of messages

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could help with that, maybe even on a subconscious level.

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But I do believe when we heal ourselves, we are

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helping our children as well.

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We can only help them as much as we've helped ourselves, absolutely,

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and we only know the answers that we've worn.

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And it's right.

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It's like if you look back at generational issues and

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you think about, Okay, hey, what happened with your parents,

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and then what happened with your grandparents, and you look

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back at your great grandparents, and you see a lot

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of cycle patterns, and it's like, at what point in

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time are we going to break this cycle pattern and

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begin to see things on a different level so that

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we can share that, because otherwise it's just regurgitating everything

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that we've learned previously that they already knew or assumed

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or just kind of decided on base on their situation.

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Absolutely, and there's actually no real growth because if we're

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not seeking that out ourselves, who's going to do the

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work for us?

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Nobody right, Unfortunately, nobody's coming to save us on that one. Right.

387
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No, And this is the same thing I tell my kids.

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If you are not putting in the work, there's nobody

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that's going to come do the stuff for you.

390
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That's true.

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That's very good because I think sometimes everybody has to

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know that. It's like, well, we can pray, we can

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believe we can do things, but in the end of

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all things, we have to be the one to do

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it to move forward.

396
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Yes, because that effort that you put in gives you

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that growth and it pumps down again to believing that

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you can do this, especially if it's something that you

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want to change in yourself for for the betterment of yourself.

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The only person stopping you is yourself.

401
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M because we a lot of us have grown to

402
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believe the limitations are real.

403
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Right, or we often think we're the victim and somebody

404
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else needs to change before we can change. We feel

405
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very wronged in a lot of things. But sometimes it's

406
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about mind shift, mindset shift and working that within ourselves

407
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and figuring out, Okay, how can I change my mindset

408
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or myself to make this work for me and my

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mental health.

410
00:20:52.359 --> 00:20:54.960
That's so true, and it's about yes, it's about really

411
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thinking about Okay, I do have to take.

412
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The initiative and seeing that, and I think you're right.

413
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It's like, if we can actually eliminate some of these

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things and some of these limitations and believe systems, things

415
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get a lot easier. But it's basically being able to

416
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also understand where that's coming from and excess the fact

417
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that hey, this actually does exist.

418
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Right, And you know, we can't play the blame game

419
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to our parents or our grandparents. Things were different and

420
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those were different times. We are in charge of ourselves

421
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right now, and we do not have to do things

422
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that our parents did or our grandparents did that worked

423
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for them. We have to do what needs to be

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done for our children that work for our situation and

425
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our family.

426
00:21:37.160 --> 00:21:39.119
That's very powerful, and I think also you're right, it's

427
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about being independent, and I think that's one of the

428
00:21:41.200 --> 00:21:44.279
hardest things too in society today, is to stop, you know,

429
00:21:44.759 --> 00:21:47.279
you know, judging ourselves against others or you know, kind

430
00:21:47.279 --> 00:21:49.000
of that type of thing, and just saying, hey, what

431
00:21:49.160 --> 00:21:51.440
is right for me, not what is right for their

432
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family or what is right for their kids, what is

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right for my kids, what is right for me and

434
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my life.

435
00:21:57.680 --> 00:22:02.359
Absolutely a good example for that is, you know, my

436
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ten year old wants a phone, and in our family,

437
00:22:06.640 --> 00:22:10.039
we do not think that the kids need phones at

438
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this age. But that's our family and our rules. And

439
00:22:13.680 --> 00:22:15.880
she goes, well, my friends have phones. I'm like, that's

440
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their family and dr rules, and that's what works for

441
00:22:18.680 --> 00:22:21.839
their family, but it is not what works for our family.

442
00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:24.599
So when you want to have a chat with your friend,

443
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feel free to use my phone. But that is our

444
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set of rules. And to just be comfortable being in that,

445
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even though you're going to be different from somebody else,

446
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is part of what we are trying to teach my children.

447
00:22:37.640 --> 00:22:38.759
That's very powerful.

448
00:22:38.839 --> 00:22:39.079
Wow.

449
00:22:39.119 --> 00:22:41.440
Soamela, that's awesome because I agree with you about whether

450
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it's a phone or what have you, or TV or

451
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video games or whatever that looks like. It's about being

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able to look at that in realistic terms and decide

453
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what is right for your family.

454
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Right and also just not you know, in the process

455
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say oh, I don't like what they're doing, because that's

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not what this is about. This is just what what

457
00:23:01.200 --> 00:23:03.880
is good for our family and our values, and that's

458
00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:06.799
all it is. It's no judgment on somebody else and

459
00:23:07.119 --> 00:23:09.839
their values because I am not living their life. I

460
00:23:09.880 --> 00:23:12.000
do not know what is going on in their household

461
00:23:12.519 --> 00:23:16.720
that parents make those decisions, and it doesn't reflect on

462
00:23:16.880 --> 00:23:19.720
anybody else. This is just how we do it and

463
00:23:19.960 --> 00:23:22.079
trying to teach that, you know, to my ten year

464
00:23:22.119 --> 00:23:27.279
old who is very opinionated, which is great. But I

465
00:23:27.319 --> 00:23:29.720
love that she can come with me with these questions.

466
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But we can come to an understanding, and it's of

467
00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:37.400
course a conversation that happens often and I'm glad that

468
00:23:37.440 --> 00:23:39.440
she can bring it up with me. But you know,

469
00:23:39.880 --> 00:23:43.960
we have that connection and have the conversation constantly. But

470
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I think it's important that the children are able to

471
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come to you if they feel wrong in some way

472
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and be able to have that conversation, whether they completely

473
00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:53.759
understand it or not.

474
00:23:55.160 --> 00:23:55.839
Very powerful.

475
00:23:55.880 --> 00:23:59.720
When we returning to be talking about Sharmila's third book,

476
00:23:59.759 --> 00:24:01.839
which is Angry, that's okay, and I think this is

477
00:24:01.880 --> 00:24:03.839
going to be a deep dive and very great for

478
00:24:04.200 --> 00:24:06.720
children and adults alike, because I know that a lot

479
00:24:06.759 --> 00:24:08.799
of us are dealing with anger in our lives. So

480
00:24:08.839 --> 00:24:11.440
stay tuned, live your true life perspectives with your host

481
00:24:11.519 --> 00:24:13.480
me Ashley Burgess will be back in I'll be back

482
00:24:13.480 --> 00:24:25.319
this time in two shakes.

483
00:24:30.720 --> 00:24:33.799
This is Jake Busey and you're listening to Perspectives with

484
00:24:33.920 --> 00:24:34.960
Ashley Burgess.

485
00:24:37.480 --> 00:24:39.880
Welcome back live to Live Your True Life Perspectives, and

486
00:24:39.960 --> 00:24:43.480
I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On today's show, I've been

487
00:24:43.519 --> 00:24:47.000
talking with Sarmeila Fassbender. She's a three time author and counselor.

488
00:24:47.519 --> 00:24:49.640
And right before the break we were really talking about

489
00:24:49.680 --> 00:24:52.960
Fantastically Me, which was her second and is her second book,

490
00:24:53.200 --> 00:24:56.160
and now I want a deep dive and really look

491
00:24:56.240 --> 00:24:58.640
into her third book. And her third book is titled

492
00:24:58.720 --> 00:25:02.160
Angry That's okay, and I love the title of that,

493
00:25:02.319 --> 00:25:04.440
and Sharmila, you know, it's interesting because I think many

494
00:25:04.480 --> 00:25:06.039
of us are dealing with anger. I mean all of

495
00:25:06.160 --> 00:25:08.680
us deal with anger at some point. I think anger

496
00:25:08.720 --> 00:25:11.279
is a lot of times our go to emotion. And

497
00:25:11.400 --> 00:25:14.319
so give me a little bit about the backstory of

498
00:25:14.359 --> 00:25:15.759
the creation of angry.

499
00:25:15.799 --> 00:25:16.400
That's okay.

500
00:25:18.160 --> 00:25:20.519
We think this is a really important topic to address

501
00:25:20.559 --> 00:25:23.400
because you're absolutely right. Everybody gets angry all the time,

502
00:25:23.880 --> 00:25:30.319
and sometimes we have situations where it's only natural to

503
00:25:30.359 --> 00:25:32.799
be angry, and then there are other times where you

504
00:25:32.839 --> 00:25:36.079
are shunned for being angry because oh you shouldn't be

505
00:25:36.119 --> 00:25:40.400
angry you are, you know, for whatever reason, anger is

506
00:25:40.440 --> 00:25:44.640
not an emotion that anybody should have. And this book

507
00:25:44.759 --> 00:25:48.200
is talking about how angry is a very normal emotion

508
00:25:48.359 --> 00:25:51.200
to have, but what are the steps we can take

509
00:25:51.519 --> 00:25:58.079
to self realize and work on getting our bodies come

510
00:25:58.200 --> 00:25:58.960
and feeling better.

511
00:26:00.279 --> 00:26:03.079
It's so true because anger is the go to emotion

512
00:26:03.359 --> 00:26:06.640
and it's like processing that. Accepting the fact that it

513
00:26:06.720 --> 00:26:09.079
is okay is the first step, but then being able

514
00:26:09.119 --> 00:26:12.640
to process it. And I know that, you know, you know,

515
00:26:12.680 --> 00:26:14.720
when we're growing up, we feel angry. You know, as

516
00:26:14.759 --> 00:26:17.559
adults we can feel angry. If we haven't really processed

517
00:26:17.640 --> 00:26:19.599
or anger growing up, we're probably going to feel angry

518
00:26:19.599 --> 00:26:21.359
as adults exactly.

519
00:26:21.640 --> 00:26:24.839
And sometimes there's a lot of ways that we deal

520
00:26:24.880 --> 00:26:28.200
with anger now that probably stems from the way that

521
00:26:28.400 --> 00:26:33.519
we our anger was dealt with as children. So it's

522
00:26:33.599 --> 00:26:36.799
about recognizing the physiological aspects of what's going on with

523
00:26:36.839 --> 00:26:41.680
our bodies and managing that to just serve yourself better

524
00:26:42.119 --> 00:26:46.400
for your own physical needs as well as your mental

525
00:26:46.400 --> 00:26:47.279
health needs.

526
00:26:48.279 --> 00:26:50.160
And I think, you know, I think the time is

527
00:26:50.200 --> 00:26:53.400
of the essence, and you know, definitely it's so important

528
00:26:53.519 --> 00:26:56.400
for children to be able to process this emotion so

529
00:26:56.440 --> 00:26:59.880
that it can be used properly instead of creating you know,

530
00:27:00.160 --> 00:27:03.319
resentment or fear exactly.

531
00:27:03.480 --> 00:27:05.680
And I think that sometimes as I was writing this

532
00:27:05.799 --> 00:27:10.359
book again, you know, we used some of our different

533
00:27:10.359 --> 00:27:14.680
things that have happened in our life to bring this

534
00:27:14.720 --> 00:27:17.799
book together. And thanks to the Genesee Valley Council on

535
00:27:17.839 --> 00:27:20.960
the Arts, I was able to you know, gred grant

536
00:27:20.960 --> 00:27:23.599
from them and help put this book together, which we

537
00:27:23.640 --> 00:27:28.000
are very thankful for. But that key aspect of figuring

538
00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:31.319
out what is happening to our bodies at this moment

539
00:27:32.279 --> 00:27:36.680
so that we can stop and recognize and then learning

540
00:27:36.759 --> 00:27:39.720
different ways to manage that. And when we wrote this book,

541
00:27:39.799 --> 00:27:43.279
we had adults in mind, we had children in our minds,

542
00:27:43.279 --> 00:27:45.480
we had our own selves in our minds as we're

543
00:27:45.519 --> 00:27:51.799
writing because we're feeling this. I'm feeling that this is

544
00:27:51.799 --> 00:27:54.000
a good one for a lot of people these days

545
00:27:54.039 --> 00:27:56.960
because there's not a lot of ways we have learned

546
00:27:57.000 --> 00:27:58.839
to manage it when we were younger.

547
00:27:59.839 --> 00:28:01.000
I think that's so true.

548
00:28:01.200 --> 00:28:04.839
And coming up with exercises and go tos on how

549
00:28:04.839 --> 00:28:07.519
to process. I love you know, in the book, you know,

550
00:28:07.559 --> 00:28:09.720
he counts to ten till his mind is calm. The

551
00:28:09.759 --> 00:28:12.359
repetition helps him like a charm. He lets out a side.

552
00:28:12.400 --> 00:28:15.480
Who now I'm less tense. I love that because that

553
00:28:15.680 --> 00:28:19.279
really works pretty well. I mean, just breathing exercises and

554
00:28:19.319 --> 00:28:22.240
getting your mind off of it and refocusing can.

555
00:28:22.200 --> 00:28:23.319
Go right a long way.

556
00:28:23.680 --> 00:28:26.920
Because breathing helps with the with you know, utilizing your

557
00:28:27.000 --> 00:28:30.240
vegas system, and that really helps with just calming your

558
00:28:30.240 --> 00:28:31.799
body because a lot of it is happening on a

559
00:28:31.799 --> 00:28:35.039
physiological level that we don't even realize it's happening. So

560
00:28:35.119 --> 00:28:38.880
when we can calm our physiology, we can then come

561
00:28:38.920 --> 00:28:39.640
our minds.

562
00:28:40.640 --> 00:28:41.519
That is so true.

563
00:28:41.599 --> 00:28:43.640
And also I think another thing too is like thinking

564
00:28:43.640 --> 00:28:45.319
about it. You know, is this going to impact me?

565
00:28:46.000 --> 00:28:48.519
You know, in and out? Is this going to impact

566
00:28:48.519 --> 00:28:49.960
me in a day? Is this going to impact me

567
00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:50.359
in a week?

568
00:28:51.039 --> 00:28:55.400
Mm hmm exactly. And sometimes we have this outburst and

569
00:28:55.839 --> 00:28:58.400
you know it's something it could be something over something

570
00:28:58.480 --> 00:29:01.519
so trivial, but you know, we don't know what happened

571
00:29:01.640 --> 00:29:03.720
prior to that and what led up to it, and

572
00:29:03.720 --> 00:29:05.680
so there's a lot of things that start building and

573
00:29:05.720 --> 00:29:08.799
building before we realize we have just blown up over

574
00:29:08.839 --> 00:29:09.880
something very simple.

575
00:29:11.000 --> 00:29:12.039
So that's so true.

576
00:29:12.039 --> 00:29:14.000
And then like that, the impact of blowing up, but

577
00:29:14.119 --> 00:29:16.920
also accepting that and then how do you diffuse the

578
00:29:16.920 --> 00:29:17.359
blow up?

579
00:29:17.920 --> 00:29:21.799
That's right, and that's why, you know, to give yourself

580
00:29:21.839 --> 00:29:24.759
that grace of okay, you're angry, that's okay. I think

581
00:29:24.759 --> 00:29:28.920
giving ourselves grace is that first part, and then recognizing

582
00:29:28.960 --> 00:29:31.319
what's going on with our bodies and finding ways that

583
00:29:31.359 --> 00:29:34.200
actually work for us. So in the book, we have

584
00:29:34.480 --> 00:29:38.680
seven different strategies and we can work through them to see, hey,

585
00:29:38.680 --> 00:29:41.200
maybe this works for me better over others and different

586
00:29:41.240 --> 00:29:43.759
things like that. So it's about finding something that works

587
00:29:43.759 --> 00:29:46.000
for you, and it could be different depending on the

588
00:29:46.039 --> 00:29:50.119
situation you're in. So it really is about again, you know,

589
00:29:50.759 --> 00:29:52.720
evaluating yourself and doing the work.

590
00:29:53.799 --> 00:29:57.359
Let's talk about some of those strategies. What strategy would

591
00:29:57.400 --> 00:29:58.839
you like to talk about, because I think that's really

592
00:29:58.920 --> 00:30:01.680
great to kind of give people, you know, the impact

593
00:30:01.759 --> 00:30:03.480
here and also that can be something that they can

594
00:30:03.480 --> 00:30:04.359
take away as well.

595
00:30:05.200 --> 00:30:08.880
Okay, one of my favorite ones is actually the body

596
00:30:08.880 --> 00:30:14.640
scanning technique. It's one that actually gets a child to

597
00:30:14.640 --> 00:30:17.519
step away from his problem and refocus on something that's

598
00:30:17.559 --> 00:30:20.000
going on in his body. So you would have them

599
00:30:20.200 --> 00:30:24.559
stand still and then say, hey, we start with our feet,

600
00:30:24.599 --> 00:30:27.160
because that's the most grounding. What do you feel is

601
00:30:27.200 --> 00:30:29.400
going on in your feet right now? And then they

602
00:30:29.400 --> 00:30:31.640
can talk to you about it. Or maybe my feet

603
00:30:31.720 --> 00:30:36.000
feel like it's digging into the carpet, or my toes

604
00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:39.680
are curling, and you talk with your child about what's

605
00:30:39.680 --> 00:30:41.599
going on with their body, and then maybe you can

606
00:30:41.640 --> 00:30:43.440
move on to the hand. Oh, what's going on with

607
00:30:43.480 --> 00:30:46.720
your hand right now? Oh, they feel really stiff, by

608
00:30:46.759 --> 00:30:49.640
which time they're starting to speak and their mind is

609
00:30:49.680 --> 00:30:53.079
now refocused on what's going on in their physiology. That

610
00:30:53.240 --> 00:30:57.319
it gives time for their brain to connect and be like, Okay,

611
00:30:57.359 --> 00:31:00.559
this is not a fight situation, and this is not

612
00:31:00.599 --> 00:31:03.519
a free situation. I can relax and now I can

613
00:31:03.559 --> 00:31:07.039
figure out how we can work on a solution together.

614
00:31:08.319 --> 00:31:09.319
That's very powerful.

615
00:31:09.440 --> 00:31:12.480
Being able to focus on that that is neat and

616
00:31:12.519 --> 00:31:14.720
I like how you're incorporating this into the book to

617
00:31:14.880 --> 00:31:19.160
give these abilities to process anger. I think that's very powerful.

618
00:31:19.960 --> 00:31:21.759
Thank you. We have a section at the back of

619
00:31:21.759 --> 00:31:24.920
the book that explains the seven different techniques that we've

620
00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:28.160
chosen for the book, and it gives the reader the

621
00:31:28.240 --> 00:31:31.440
chance to understand where we're going with it and to

622
00:31:31.720 --> 00:31:35.720
you know, hopefully apply that in their day to day life,

623
00:31:35.759 --> 00:31:38.079
even on themselves, as well as to help their children

624
00:31:38.160 --> 00:31:40.279
recognize that too, because.

625
00:31:40.079 --> 00:31:42.680
I think oftentimes we overlook the fact that children can

626
00:31:42.720 --> 00:31:46.279
get upset or angry or you know, just not able

627
00:31:46.319 --> 00:31:48.640
to process that. I think we overlook that and don't

628
00:31:48.680 --> 00:31:50.920
give them the skill set. But I also think that

629
00:31:51.039 --> 00:31:53.839
many adults don't really have the skill set or weren't

630
00:31:53.920 --> 00:31:56.079
educated on how to deal with it as well.

631
00:31:56.160 --> 00:31:58.519
Right, And so when we ourselves don't have the skill

632
00:31:58.559 --> 00:32:00.240
set to do that, how are we going to have

633
00:32:00.359 --> 00:32:03.839
a child figure that stuff out on their own? And

634
00:32:04.160 --> 00:32:08.200
how we react to their anger is I think, you know,

635
00:32:09.119 --> 00:32:13.839
a reflection of how maybe we were raised. Not necessarily

636
00:32:13.880 --> 00:32:16.119
all the time, but in that moment sometimes you're like,

637
00:32:16.200 --> 00:32:18.519
oh my gosh, what are you doing. I found myself

638
00:32:18.559 --> 00:32:21.839
doing that. Sometimes I'm like, why are you yelling? Because

639
00:32:21.960 --> 00:32:25.400
yelling wasn't a big thing that we did in our family,

640
00:32:25.720 --> 00:32:29.079
So yelling was if you yelled, it was a big

641
00:32:29.119 --> 00:32:33.119
no no. But I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

642
00:32:33.160 --> 00:32:36.799
That's just their way of communicating that they're angry. So

643
00:32:37.079 --> 00:32:40.599
now I find myself, you know, having these conversations like Okay,

644
00:32:40.599 --> 00:32:44.119
you're angry, let's step away from this area and see

645
00:32:44.160 --> 00:32:47.200
if that helps with coping our bodies and finding ways

646
00:32:47.240 --> 00:32:50.880
that work. Sometimes it works in a situation where one

647
00:32:51.400 --> 00:32:54.359
strategy is better than the other, and it's trial and error.

648
00:32:54.359 --> 00:32:56.920
It's trial and error for the what it works for

649
00:32:57.000 --> 00:32:57.880
you and what doesn't.

650
00:32:58.920 --> 00:33:01.119
And I think also, well, one of the techniques that

651
00:33:01.160 --> 00:33:04.000
I really like is removing yourself from a stressful situation.

652
00:33:04.160 --> 00:33:06.160
And I find that many of adults don't do that

653
00:33:06.279 --> 00:33:09.000
as well. It's it's like, when something is stressful, you

654
00:33:09.039 --> 00:33:11.720
don't have to run out and slam the door, but

655
00:33:11.799 --> 00:33:14.480
you can take a moment to go into another room

656
00:33:14.640 --> 00:33:17.599
or take a walk or do something right where you're

657
00:33:17.640 --> 00:33:19.440
not because I think a lot of people don't realize that.

658
00:33:19.519 --> 00:33:21.440
And I you know, I work with clients constantly, and

659
00:33:21.440 --> 00:33:23.240
I'm like, why didn't at what point in time, why

660
00:33:23.240 --> 00:33:24.960
didn't you just leave? You don't have to slam the

661
00:33:24.960 --> 00:33:28.079
door or say I'm laying or screaming, but take a

662
00:33:28.119 --> 00:33:30.880
break and get out of there and kind of reset.

663
00:33:31.799 --> 00:33:36.039
Yes, that when you physically remove yourself, you are taking

664
00:33:36.079 --> 00:33:39.000
yourself out of that situation. That's giving you the anxiety,

665
00:33:39.200 --> 00:33:41.039
it's giving you the anger, it's giving you the stress.

666
00:33:41.119 --> 00:33:45.240
It is only going to help your body. There's you know.

667
00:33:45.279 --> 00:33:47.680
It's it's one of those situations to where when you

668
00:33:47.720 --> 00:33:51.519
start recognizing that stuff and when you have the skills

669
00:33:51.519 --> 00:33:53.640
to start doing it from an early age, it will

670
00:33:53.640 --> 00:33:55.799
only get better as you get older.

671
00:33:57.039 --> 00:33:59.559
That is so true, and I think it's so powerful

672
00:33:59.599 --> 00:34:02.599
and I do find it's it's interesting because when adults

673
00:34:02.640 --> 00:34:05.319
don't do that, it's interesting how it impacts their life.

674
00:34:05.400 --> 00:34:07.079
And I do feel like this is such a great

675
00:34:07.079 --> 00:34:09.199
book to read to your children. One of the other

676
00:34:09.639 --> 00:34:12.800
aspects that I really love too is the problem focus aspect,

677
00:34:12.840 --> 00:34:15.039
because that's something that I do on a daily basis

678
00:34:15.079 --> 00:34:17.280
and it's and I found that a lot of people

679
00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:19.679
don't really do that. It's like, let's get out of

680
00:34:19.679 --> 00:34:22.840
the frustration part and let's start trying to figure out

681
00:34:22.880 --> 00:34:23.719
how do we solve it.

682
00:34:24.760 --> 00:34:28.400
Yes, and that is another part that we wanted to

683
00:34:28.440 --> 00:34:31.599
address because again, I think we talked about it earlier

684
00:34:32.039 --> 00:34:37.559
about how we are constantly looking outwardly sometimes for oh

685
00:34:37.679 --> 00:34:40.519
maybe you need to change or or these different things

686
00:34:40.559 --> 00:34:43.199
like that, but maybe we need to just focus on

687
00:34:43.239 --> 00:34:46.320
how to look at this problem differently. And when you shift,

688
00:34:46.760 --> 00:34:49.679
it's that mindset thing again. When you shift your mindset

689
00:34:49.719 --> 00:34:52.119
and see how you can approach something from a different angle,

690
00:34:52.480 --> 00:34:55.920
it is going to make your life easier and it's

691
00:34:55.960 --> 00:34:59.960
going to you know, elevate what the solution can be.

692
00:35:01.360 --> 00:35:01.960
That's so true.

693
00:35:02.000 --> 00:35:05.079
It's like finally also taking that energy. And when we

694
00:35:05.079 --> 00:35:07.679
were trying to be talking more about angry, that's okay

695
00:35:07.719 --> 00:35:10.440
because it's about taking that energy, transmuting that energy, trying

696
00:35:10.440 --> 00:35:12.760
to use it for good and using that energy that

697
00:35:12.800 --> 00:35:15.920
we need to really direct and focus on solving the situation.

698
00:35:16.039 --> 00:35:17.840
So stay tuned. We got a lot more to talk about.

699
00:35:17.920 --> 00:35:18.920
Don't change the channel.

700
00:35:19.320 --> 00:35:21.760
Live your True Life Perspectives with me, your host, Ashley

701
00:35:21.760 --> 00:35:23.840
Burgers will be back. I'll be back this time in

702
00:35:23.920 --> 00:35:26.719
two shakes.

703
00:35:39.800 --> 00:35:43.920
Get in here. You're listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

704
00:35:46.880 --> 00:35:49.000
Welcome back Live to Live your True Life Perspectives and

705
00:35:49.039 --> 00:35:52.159
I'm your host Ashley Burgess. Today we've been talking about

706
00:35:52.199 --> 00:35:54.599
fantastically me and discussing and angry.

707
00:35:54.679 --> 00:35:55.360
That's okay.

708
00:35:55.639 --> 00:35:57.920
Shearmela Fassbender has been joining me here on the show

709
00:35:58.039 --> 00:36:00.360
and this is her third book that we've been talking about.

710
00:36:00.400 --> 00:36:02.320
I know that many of you have dealt with anger.

711
00:36:02.480 --> 00:36:04.159
I know that many of you are dealing with anger

712
00:36:04.159 --> 00:36:06.719
with your children and helping them process that, and that's

713
00:36:06.800 --> 00:36:09.119
so big. And right before the break, we were talking

714
00:36:09.159 --> 00:36:12.119
about some of the modalities that you can use to

715
00:36:12.280 --> 00:36:14.960
offset that, and we were talking about problem focus, like

716
00:36:15.079 --> 00:36:18.280
shifting you know, the focus from the frustration to actually

717
00:36:18.320 --> 00:36:19.239
solving the problem.

718
00:36:19.280 --> 00:36:20.920
I think that's so powerful.

719
00:36:21.519 --> 00:36:24.440
It is, and it's one of those places where I

720
00:36:24.440 --> 00:36:26.440
think we could all use some work on and we

721
00:36:26.440 --> 00:36:30.639
could all use this strategy because it will help with

722
00:36:30.800 --> 00:36:33.199
getting to where we want to be quicker.

723
00:36:34.280 --> 00:36:37.079
Quicker and using that energy too, because I think that

724
00:36:37.320 --> 00:36:40.760
energy actually, if we can harness it is very powerful.

725
00:36:40.880 --> 00:36:43.360
But when it just kind of when it just kind

726
00:36:43.400 --> 00:36:46.639
of like you know, flames out over the anger, it

727
00:36:46.679 --> 00:36:48.360
seems like there's just you know, there's a lot of

728
00:36:48.559 --> 00:36:50.840
I guess, just feeling tired after if we don't really

729
00:36:50.920 --> 00:36:52.360
kind of transmute.

730
00:36:51.760 --> 00:36:55.039
That absolutely, and you know, and then it just leads

731
00:36:55.079 --> 00:36:59.639
to depression and you're just angry all the time because

732
00:36:59.719 --> 00:37:02.440
that energy is just negative around you and we are

733
00:37:02.480 --> 00:37:05.880
we are all energy. So when you can change that

734
00:37:06.039 --> 00:37:09.519
energy to a more positive energy when it focuses on

735
00:37:09.559 --> 00:37:12.480
the problem and not just get sucked up in the

736
00:37:12.480 --> 00:37:16.360
gloom of it all. You will change your energy as well.

737
00:37:17.320 --> 00:37:18.719
What do you think the time is because I know

738
00:37:18.760 --> 00:37:21.880
that we've you know, when you have anger or something happens,

739
00:37:21.960 --> 00:37:23.880
and you know, how long do you think you have

740
00:37:24.079 --> 00:37:25.880
to really refocus that energy.

741
00:37:27.320 --> 00:37:30.840
I think it's situational dependent. Now, if you are a

742
00:37:30.840 --> 00:37:34.519
person that needs to step away and to me, take

743
00:37:34.599 --> 00:37:37.159
as much time as you need, and it could just

744
00:37:37.199 --> 00:37:39.840
be a reflection of what the situation was. If it

745
00:37:39.880 --> 00:37:43.159
was something simple like oh my gosh, I can't get

746
00:37:43.559 --> 00:37:47.199
this thread into the needle, then hey, maybe put the

747
00:37:47.199 --> 00:37:49.559
needle down and come back in five minutes. But if

748
00:37:49.559 --> 00:37:52.880
it's a situation where you know it's bigger than that,

749
00:37:53.000 --> 00:37:54.960
maybe you need to take some time away from the

750
00:37:55.000 --> 00:37:58.440
problem and then come back and refocus to see, Okay,

751
00:37:58.639 --> 00:38:01.760
how can I make this solution different. So I think

752
00:38:01.800 --> 00:38:05.480
it's very situational dependent, and it's very personality dependent too.

753
00:38:06.320 --> 00:38:08.199
That makes sense. Yeah, so some people it might take

754
00:38:08.199 --> 00:38:09.239
a little longer than others.

755
00:38:09.800 --> 00:38:11.960
Sure, And I don't think it's one of those things

756
00:38:11.960 --> 00:38:13.960
where you want to rush it, because with rushing it

757
00:38:14.599 --> 00:38:18.840
and putting a specific timeline on it, it may not

758
00:38:18.920 --> 00:38:21.719
give you the result that you want. Again, situational dependent

759
00:38:21.840 --> 00:38:24.599
because sometimes you may need to make a decision quicker

760
00:38:24.599 --> 00:38:27.039
than others. Hey, my house is on fire. Do I

761
00:38:27.199 --> 00:38:29.119
go or do I stay? You know what I mean?

762
00:38:29.639 --> 00:38:33.239
Like it's it's one of those situations to where do

763
00:38:33.320 --> 00:38:38.039
I have time to calm myself or do I need

764
00:38:38.119 --> 00:38:41.280
to actually step away, take my time and then come back.

765
00:38:41.360 --> 00:38:44.519
I think a lot of it is situational dependent, and.

766
00:38:44.519 --> 00:38:47.039
It depends on action if necessarily needed at that time.

767
00:38:47.719 --> 00:38:51.199
Absolutely very powerful. So this is the time of the

768
00:38:51.239 --> 00:38:54.440
show that I ask folks to, you know, offer it.

769
00:38:54.559 --> 00:38:56.840
Just help us with some the nuggets of golden wisdom.

770
00:38:56.840 --> 00:38:59.719
It doesn't have to be anything in the in the books,

771
00:38:59.719 --> 00:39:01.280
but some you know two things that you'd like to

772
00:39:01.320 --> 00:39:03.800
share with our listeners that really you know, that really

773
00:39:03.840 --> 00:39:04.719
are important to you.

774
00:39:04.760 --> 00:39:05.599
To get the word out.

775
00:39:06.239 --> 00:39:08.920
Sure, I think one of the most important things that

776
00:39:09.039 --> 00:39:12.039
we as parents can do for our children is to

777
00:39:12.079 --> 00:39:15.000
give them eye contact. I know this sounds so simple,

778
00:39:15.400 --> 00:39:17.679
but with the ease of devices we have in our

779
00:39:17.679 --> 00:39:20.519
hands these days, I find that it is very easy

780
00:39:20.559 --> 00:39:23.079
for you to have a conversation with somebody without actually

781
00:39:23.159 --> 00:39:26.280
looking at them. And it's very important to have eye

782
00:39:26.280 --> 00:39:28.760
contact when you're talking to your children because it actually

783
00:39:29.119 --> 00:39:34.119
you're actually giving little energies. You are giving them little

784
00:39:34.119 --> 00:39:36.639
different body language when you are giving them eye contact,

785
00:39:36.719 --> 00:39:39.800
and children actually learn from that. So I think keeping

786
00:39:39.880 --> 00:39:42.840
eye contact when you're having a conversation with your child

787
00:39:42.960 --> 00:39:47.360
is really really important. Helps you connect and really you

788
00:39:47.400 --> 00:39:50.519
can put device down for thirty seconds just to hear

789
00:39:50.599 --> 00:39:51.480
them out.

790
00:39:52.159 --> 00:39:54.519
I think that's super powerful, and I think that's with

791
00:39:54.559 --> 00:39:57.480
anybody too. I think when we really look people in

792
00:39:57.519 --> 00:39:59.599
the eyes and have that connection, no matter what, it

793
00:39:59.760 --> 00:40:02.599
just it really shows that you're there and you're present

794
00:40:02.639 --> 00:40:04.440
in the moment, but also the fact that you're actually

795
00:40:04.480 --> 00:40:05.679
paying attention to what they're saying.

796
00:40:06.199 --> 00:40:08.719
Absolutely, because we are human and we need to connect.

797
00:40:08.840 --> 00:40:12.039
That's the only way to feel connection is if we're

798
00:40:12.079 --> 00:40:12.800
given connection.

799
00:40:14.159 --> 00:40:16.079
Very powerful. Okay, so I'm putting you on the I'm

800
00:40:16.079 --> 00:40:18.199
putting you on the hot seat. One more golden nugget

801
00:40:18.239 --> 00:40:19.559
that you'd like to share with us.

802
00:40:20.159 --> 00:40:24.880
Sure. I think encouraging open conversation, even if it's something

803
00:40:24.920 --> 00:40:29.679
that's bothering you. Maybe have a word that says hey, mom.

804
00:40:30.320 --> 00:40:33.679
So with my daughter, I would say something like, uh, hey,

805
00:40:33.719 --> 00:40:35.639
I need to speak with you, and you may not

806
00:40:35.800 --> 00:40:37.960
like what I have to say, but we can have

807
00:40:38.000 --> 00:40:42.360
an open, honest conversation about it and just be real.

808
00:40:42.800 --> 00:40:45.800
I think in those conversations and let them tell you

809
00:40:46.119 --> 00:40:48.159
what it is that's bothering them. And it may make

810
00:40:48.239 --> 00:40:50.760
you feel bad, it may actually, you know, hurt your ego,

811
00:40:51.480 --> 00:40:53.880
but I think it's important to give them the safe

812
00:40:54.000 --> 00:40:57.880
space to have these conversations because if they don't tell

813
00:40:57.880 --> 00:41:00.320
you the small stuff now, they will not tell you

814
00:41:00.360 --> 00:41:01.280
the big stuff later.

815
00:41:02.400 --> 00:41:03.239
That's so true.

816
00:41:03.400 --> 00:41:06.039
It is so true because you can, really, you can

817
00:41:06.119 --> 00:41:08.639
really make things work if you're open minded. And I

818
00:41:08.679 --> 00:41:11.039
know that sometimes you know, kids will share things and

819
00:41:11.039 --> 00:41:13.159
you're like, oh my god, you know, I can't believe this.

820
00:41:13.159 --> 00:41:14.679
But at the same time, it's like being able to

821
00:41:14.760 --> 00:41:17.239
keep that cool and listening will change things as far

822
00:41:17.280 --> 00:41:20.760
as keeping those doors of communication open, right.

823
00:41:20.960 --> 00:41:24.039
And sometimes you're having to listen to something that really

824
00:41:24.280 --> 00:41:28.960
is boring to you, like I don't know what is it.

825
00:41:29.239 --> 00:41:32.960
Oh mom, watched this? Mom watch this, and you watch

826
00:41:33.000 --> 00:41:35.239
it maybe sometimes for ten times, and then you can

827
00:41:35.239 --> 00:41:37.920
be like, oh, okay, I think I've watched this ten times.

828
00:41:37.960 --> 00:41:40.079
Why don't you go perfect it better and come back

829
00:41:40.079 --> 00:41:42.119
to me. And I'll love to see a new version

830
00:41:42.119 --> 00:41:45.519
of that. So that's also getting time for yourself, but

831
00:41:45.800 --> 00:41:48.360
not like saying, oh my gosh, I'm done, I can't

832
00:41:48.400 --> 00:41:49.239
watch this anymore.

833
00:41:50.159 --> 00:41:52.679
It's so true, and there's a place you know, everybody

834
00:41:52.719 --> 00:41:53.880
out there and see this is a place for you

835
00:41:53.920 --> 00:41:56.400
interacting with your children as well as interacting with other adults.

836
00:41:56.440 --> 00:41:57.840
I mean, there are times when we have to have

837
00:41:57.880 --> 00:42:00.599
discussions that we might not necessarily want, but you know,

838
00:42:00.679 --> 00:42:03.039
being able to keep that door open and trying not

839
00:42:03.159 --> 00:42:06.280
to jump to conclusions or jump to anger, and trying

840
00:42:06.320 --> 00:42:08.639
to just keep you know, the communication open can go

841
00:42:08.719 --> 00:42:12.039
a long way to having those deep relationships.

842
00:42:11.800 --> 00:42:14.840
Yes, and cultivating but correct and I think the use

843
00:42:14.880 --> 00:42:17.920
of language is very important, and just trying not to

844
00:42:17.960 --> 00:42:21.800
be so defensive about you know, things sometimes you don't

845
00:42:21.840 --> 00:42:24.960
understand the perspective, and just to be able to have

846
00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:28.599
an open and honest conversation and keeping eye contact. I

847
00:42:28.599 --> 00:42:29.719
think that would be a great one.

848
00:42:30.480 --> 00:42:33.119
That's so true and I think that that applies to everybody.

849
00:42:33.159 --> 00:42:35.440
It's like being able to hear people out, being able

850
00:42:35.519 --> 00:42:37.880
to be you know, kind of a sounding board for

851
00:42:38.000 --> 00:42:40.199
people and being a sounding board for your kids. It's

852
00:42:40.320 --> 00:42:42.000
it's sometimes harder to be a sounding board for your

853
00:42:42.079 --> 00:42:43.880
kids because you know, like, wait, I know what's right

854
00:42:43.920 --> 00:42:44.519
for my kids.

855
00:42:44.840 --> 00:42:46.880
But at the same point, it's like you got.

856
00:42:46.679 --> 00:42:48.880
To do that because you're right down the road in

857
00:42:49.000 --> 00:42:51.320
high school and all that stuff. You know, are they

858
00:42:51.320 --> 00:42:52.960
going to keep the door open and talk to you

859
00:42:53.000 --> 00:42:55.559
about things that you know super matter or are they

860
00:42:55.639 --> 00:42:57.239
going to close that down because they don't think that

861
00:42:57.280 --> 00:42:59.119
mom or Dad are going to hear them or want

862
00:42:59.119 --> 00:42:59.679
to hear them.

863
00:43:00.199 --> 00:43:02.760
Correct. And that's why, you know, we listen to the

864
00:43:02.760 --> 00:43:06.079
little things now and we can hope that it gives

865
00:43:06.320 --> 00:43:09.199
give them enough safe space to come tell us the big.

866
00:43:09.039 --> 00:43:12.519
Things very true, very powerful. I know that you have

867
00:43:12.559 --> 00:43:14.480
a lot of stuff probably on the horizon too. Do

868
00:43:14.519 --> 00:43:16.400
we have other books that are that are you know,

869
00:43:16.440 --> 00:43:17.559
coming together as well?

870
00:43:18.280 --> 00:43:21.239
So once the third book comes out, we may look

871
00:43:21.239 --> 00:43:24.679
into doing board books again for the little ones. And

872
00:43:24.960 --> 00:43:28.519
all of our books will focus on social emotional learning

873
00:43:28.559 --> 00:43:32.119
and growth mindset and addressing these different things that children

874
00:43:33.280 --> 00:43:36.880
will face as they grow. I think sharing would be

875
00:43:37.039 --> 00:43:39.760
a good one that we will look into doing next.

876
00:43:40.679 --> 00:43:43.519
That's very powerful, you know, that's that's awesome. We have

877
00:43:43.559 --> 00:43:46.639
a nonprofit called, you know, the Live Your True Life Foundation.

878
00:43:46.760 --> 00:43:49.320
It's all about empowering children. And that's what you know,

879
00:43:49.440 --> 00:43:52.599
is so important to us here because you know, we

880
00:43:52.599 --> 00:43:54.840
we see clients, you know, who are dealing with this

881
00:43:55.000 --> 00:43:57.440
in their adult level, you know, dealing with these problems

882
00:43:57.440 --> 00:43:59.280
and issues and in these angers and all this stuff

883
00:43:59.320 --> 00:44:01.440
and these emotion since and it's like being able to

884
00:44:01.480 --> 00:44:03.519
help a child and be able to process that and

885
00:44:03.559 --> 00:44:06.880
work on that in the formative years really does change

886
00:44:07.159 --> 00:44:10.199
the outcome of the individual as they become an adult.

887
00:44:10.800 --> 00:44:14.039
Absolutely, and when they start the If they can start

888
00:44:14.119 --> 00:44:18.159
understanding these concepts when they're younger, it only will shape

889
00:44:18.199 --> 00:44:22.000
them to be more self regulated and better understanding their

890
00:44:22.039 --> 00:44:23.639
own bodies as an adult.

891
00:44:24.760 --> 00:44:27.360
Very powerful, very powerful. I have enjoyed having you on

892
00:44:27.440 --> 00:44:29.440
this show so much. I can't wait to have you

893
00:44:29.480 --> 00:44:32.159
back on. I mean a wealth of knowledge and definitely

894
00:44:32.719 --> 00:44:35.679
you know, helping you know, the children of today as

895
00:44:35.679 --> 00:44:38.360
well as the family dynamic really focus on what matters.

896
00:44:39.039 --> 00:44:40.440
Thank you so much for having me Ashley.

897
00:44:40.480 --> 00:44:42.920
It's been fun, Ramel, It's been so much fun, and

898
00:44:42.960 --> 00:44:44.559
I look forward to having you back on. Thank you

899
00:44:44.599 --> 00:44:46.960
so much for helping us. And also your nuggets are

900
00:44:46.960 --> 00:44:48.239
wisdom are very valuable.

901
00:44:49.039 --> 00:44:50.039
Thank you for having me.

902
00:44:50.800 --> 00:44:52.360
It's amazing. We've learned a lot today.

903
00:44:52.400 --> 00:44:53.679
And I know that many of you, you know, have

904
00:44:53.719 --> 00:44:55.360
been listening to the show for a long time, for

905
00:44:55.440 --> 00:44:57.000
years and years now, and I do think that this

906
00:44:57.079 --> 00:44:59.840
is very impactful. It's a whole family, it takes a village,

907
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.000
and I think that this is very powerful and understanding

908
00:45:03.000 --> 00:45:05.800
our value as individuals, understanding our value, be able to

909
00:45:05.840 --> 00:45:09.199
process that, being able to process anger in various emotions,

910
00:45:09.239 --> 00:45:11.719
and these are all very important, you know, and I

911
00:45:11.800 --> 00:45:15.119
find that you know, you know, Sharmila is right on target.

912
00:45:15.159 --> 00:45:17.920
By the way, is there a website or a or

913
00:45:17.920 --> 00:45:19.440
a link that we should be going to to be

914
00:45:19.480 --> 00:45:21.400
able to buy the books and to find information.

915
00:45:22.119 --> 00:45:25.679
Yes, so fantastically. Me is available on Amazon and Buns

916
00:45:25.679 --> 00:45:29.280
and Nobles and anyway books are sold online and Angry

917
00:45:29.760 --> 00:45:32.760
that's okay. We'll also be available on these platforms or

918
00:45:32.760 --> 00:45:35.400
on my website if you want to sign copy its

919
00:45:35.800 --> 00:45:39.559
BFG minds dot com. It's Senseful Books for Growing Minds

920
00:45:39.599 --> 00:45:40.559
dot com.

921
00:45:40.639 --> 00:45:42.559
Very powerful. So if y'all like to get a copy

922
00:45:42.599 --> 00:45:45.280
of those books. It's powerful, it will help, and it'll

923
00:45:45.280 --> 00:45:47.280
bring the family together. And I think we are all

924
00:45:47.320 --> 00:45:50.400
it's all important for us to foster these relationships, you know,

925
00:45:50.440 --> 00:45:53.360
as well as fostering relationships with other people. Other dynamics

926
00:45:53.360 --> 00:45:55.239
and you know, people in our work and our office

927
00:45:55.239 --> 00:45:57.880
and all that stuff, and so you know, dealing with anger,

928
00:45:57.920 --> 00:46:00.599
being able to process that. Having those model to work

929
00:46:00.639 --> 00:46:04.039
with your kids only reinforces those modalities within us and

930
00:46:04.079 --> 00:46:06.039
to do use in our day to day life as well.

931
00:46:06.079 --> 00:46:08.320
And so check out the books. Get a copy of

932
00:46:08.320 --> 00:46:10.320
the book, check it out. We'll also put it if

933
00:46:10.320 --> 00:46:12.480
you're listening not on the radio, but on the podcast.

934
00:46:12.480 --> 00:46:14.480
The links will be in the description, so don't worry

935
00:46:14.480 --> 00:46:16.679
about that and we will rock and roll from there.

936
00:46:16.800 --> 00:46:19.719
And also check out the website Ashleyburgers dot com. Don't

937
00:46:19.719 --> 00:46:22.800
forget the YouTube channel. We have YouTube videos up every week,

938
00:46:22.880 --> 00:46:25.079
new videos and you just go to Life Coach Ashley

939
00:46:25.079 --> 00:46:28.000
Burgess and you can find those videos there. It's been

940
00:46:28.039 --> 00:46:30.880
a great show. Again, thank you so much for coming on, Surmila.

941
00:46:30.920 --> 00:46:33.760
We appreciate it. Live your true life perspectives with your

942
00:46:33.760 --> 00:46:35.719
host me Asley. Burgers will be back in I'll be

943
00:46:35.760 --> 00:46:37.559
back this time. I'll be back this time.

944
00:46:38.039 --> 00:46:40.639
In three shakes,