Have You Ever Been Blindsided by an Argument? What do You do? [Ep.763]

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You're in a good place now.
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back live to Literature Life Perspectives, and I'm your host, Ashley

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Burgess. On today's show, I'm
asking the question, how do you handle

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the argument that you never planned on
having? How do you deal with it?

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I know that many of us think
about arguments and how we would handle

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the situation. And you know,
given the situation, what we would do

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when you think about it in a
vacuum, like when we would do this,

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and then we would do that.
It's like a play by play.

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But what happens when it comes out
of left field? What happens when something

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like that happens and you're never expecting
it. On today's show, I want

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a deep dive into that to understand
what actually needs to be done in that

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situation, how to at least compute
it to memory so that when it does

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happen, you're able to address it
and respond properly. But let's begin with

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a situation that actually took place in
my life, and I think that it's

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actually poetic in nature. Some of
you will actually laugh pretty hard, some

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of you may even be grossed out, but I think it's time to talk

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about something like this, and I've
given enough time for the time to pass.

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I won't be naming many names,
but this is definitely a true story.

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So picture this. It's seven am
in the morning, and I'm trying

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to get out of the house.
I have an early doctor's appointment and then

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I have to head to the office. And so I'm getting going down the

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hallway. I've just closed the door
and locked the door. I'm going down

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the hallway and I hear the ding
down the hall of the elevator, and

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I'm like, just like that,
and I'm thinking, Okay, goodness,

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gracious, i gotta get there.
I got a hurry. I'm already running

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late. I gotta get through traffic. And you know, I have literally

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my computer bag in one hand,
right, I got my purse over my

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shoulder on that same side, and
then, you know, and then I'm

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holding a brown paperback and no,
it's not my lunch. I mean,

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I probably would be great if I
could carry my lunch to work, but

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I don't, and I didn't have
my lunch. It's a brown paper bag

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and I have something in that bag. So I'm already a little off and

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let me explain what that was.
I'm going through a position where I was

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having some health issues where I was
trying to figure out exactly what it was.

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I was trying to figure out what
it is, what it was,

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and I realized that it could be
actually my gallbladder. And so I had

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all these tests being run. And
one of the tests that I had to

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run, and okay, this is
my gross some of you out is I

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had to do a poop test.
So I had to actually bring poop in

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a plastic container, like an airtight
container, and I stuck it in a

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brown paper bag, right, I
mean, just obviously for obvious reasons,

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so I'm not just carrying it around. And so I'm like, hold the

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elevator. Hold the elevator. And
I got my bag and all my stuff

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and all my arms, all my
arms are carrying all this stuff. And

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I get in. I see my
neighbor. And as I'm getting in the

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elevator, I can sense like this
anger. I can all of a sudden

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kind of washes all over me.
And I was like, oh okay,

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And for one moment I wanted to
get out of the vader, but I

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didn't have a chance. And the
doors closed and the doors closed, and

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literally I look at my neighbor.
My neighbor gets right in my face and

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start screaming at the top of their
lungs. Okay, never expected this,

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Never expected to be screamed at at
seven ten in the morning, you know,

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with all this stuff in my hand, holding a bag with my own

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poop in it to be examined by
a physician, I had no idea what

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I was about to get into.
And so it's interesting. So he's screaming

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at me about a situation. I
had tried to help another person that lived

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in the building. I was trying
to help them with a situation that had

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take place, and so I had
actually reached out to my neighbor asking them

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if they could have a condo board
meeting and they could talk to this person

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and have a conversation, because the
person said that they had tried to communicate

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with the boar, but the boar
wouldn't respond. And so you know,

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us, we take it in our
own hands to try to save and help.

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And in the process I reached out
and they actually accepted and gave this

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guy a meeting. But then the
last minute, the night before the meeting,

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you know, the neighbor calls me
and says, hey, I have

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to cancel. I don't want to
go to this meeting. I'm over it.

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And I'm like, you really,
I mean I kind of put I

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kind of put myself out there,
but that's okay. You need to do

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what you need to do and I'll
let them know. So I emailed all

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the board members there's only three,
and I said, hey, I just

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want to apologize, but he's not
gonna make it. What have you?

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Thanks again for offering that for tomorrow. And so I thought everything was fine,

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and so I get in the elevator
with one of these people that's on

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the board and they were obviously very
angry with the cancelation of that meeting.

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And there's nothing I could do.
I can't change that. I can't tell

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the other person what to do.
I can't make them go to the meeting.

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I can't make them keep the meeting. And so there I am,

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you know, stuck dealing with the
situation, and as my neighbor is literally

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braiding me, I mean, spittle
is on my face because they were so

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angry and they're spitting while they talk, and I'm sitting there trying I'm standing

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there trying to be calm because at
first you just took me off guard.

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One, what's going on too?
I never expected that. Three that was

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way out of context. Four I'm
carrying poop. Five It's just like,

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this is crazy, this is insanity. And so as we're getting further and

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further down that, you know,
each floor, I start getting angry because

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there's only so long that you could
deal with somebody yelling and screaming at you

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before you get angry, especially when
it comes as a surprise attack. Right,

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A surprise attack is not what you're
expecting. If you're expecting a full

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on attack and you know what's gonna
happen, you can prepare, you can

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hunker down, you can get ready
for that. But when you are not

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prepared for that, you can't prepare
for that. Right you can, and

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that's what we're going to talk about
in today's show, because you actually can

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be prepared, but you've got to
be so prepared that it comes in as

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second nature. And so as we're
getting closer to the first floor, he's

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starting to really piss me off,
okay, like seriously, And as the

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doors open and he continues to brate
me, I get out and I literally

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jump into his face and say what
I think about him in a few words.

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Right, And it wasn't my finest
hour, okay, And I might

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have used some things that aren't that
polite, and you know, I said

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a couple of comments and it was
bad because, as I'm staying in the

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second comment, I wish I could
have taken it back. And there were

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multiple reasons for that. And let
me explain. First off, I had

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nothing to do with this argument whatsoever. I had no reason to be being

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yelled at. I had done absolutely
zero wrong, Okay. So I just

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want to make sure everybody knows that. And I known that many of you

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have been in arguments where you have
done zero wrong, You've done nothing wrong,

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and you're getting somebody yelling and screaming
and berating you, and so I

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understand that. So this is for
any of you out there that are literally

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like side swiped, you know,
lambasted, and not ever knew what was

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going to happen, and then it
happens. Okay. The other thing,

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too, is that because I had
done nothing wrong, if I had just

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stayed quiet, I would have been
completely the right. However I didn't,

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and so what happened. Here is
this person brates me for nineteen floors all

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the way down, yelling and screaming, spittling in my face, all that

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stuff. Okay, not good.
And I make two comments once we get

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off that elevator, and unfortunately those
two comments put me into the same batch

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as him. So I'm basically okay, to some degree, sign off on

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his bad behavior by me making a
comment back. Now, I know you

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go, well, what's that about. Well, when people try to get

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us to fight, which this was
what this was about. This was he

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was wanting attention and he doesn't care
if it was positive or negative attention,

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and this situation really negative attention.
I ended up taking the bait. I

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took the bait. And unfortunately,
when we take the bait, what do

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people that do this, what is
their whole reason for that? It's to

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get themselves off scott free. It's
to make themselves feel better about us.

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It's it's to make us feel like
the jack person. We're the bad person.

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We're you know, we're the donkey, right. Unfortunately I love donkeys,

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but I'm using the other word,
right, So they make us feel

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that way, right, they make
us feel that way, and it's it's

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really sad because they make us feel
that way, and they're doing it on

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purpose to turn it around. So
this is an entire gaslighting, manipulative project.

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And then when you jump in and
you say something or stand up for

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yourself in a way that might be
argumentative or loud, then they can throw

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it back at you and say,
see you're see what you did. You're

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a horrible person. You're a horrible
person. And so think about it in

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order to actually if you want to
win the argument, and I don't even

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know if there's ever winning the argument, but if you want to win the

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argument, the last thing you want
to do is put yourself in the position

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that they want you to put yourself
in. They want you to lower yourself

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down, engage in the stupid situation, get all angry about it, it

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all over you, and then see
what happens. And the thing is is

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that now, given the situation,
the circumstances, it's early, Okay,

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it's early. I'm one of those
people. I get up decent early,

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but you know, I work really
late. And because I work late,

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I'm not like a seven am early
birder. Normally, this is not who

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I am. Quite Honestly, it's
not necesss not who I am, and

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my clients don't want to start at
seven am either, so you know,

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I'm usually the nine am or at
the office, so I'm already a few

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hours off. I'm already having me
to get to a doctor's appointment where I'm

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worried about my health. I'm thinking
that I'm gonna have to let go of

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my gallbladder, which later on I
did, and I'm worried about what the

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results are. And I'm carrying a
bag with a plastic thing that's holding my

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poop. Okay, so I don't
know how fish out of water you can

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get, but this literally put me
in a predicament. And I know that

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many of you have had these issues
yourself. You've gone to work and you're

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having a great day and things are
going well and you're smiling and you're like,

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wow, I haven't felt this good
in a long time. Wow.

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I mean, I've been having a
bad couple of months, but man,

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today's really changed. I feel really
good. And you get in there and

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next thing you know, somebody's brating
you on the team and you're like,

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where did this come from? Or
you go to your neighborhood bar and you're

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so happy seeing somebody's got to argue
and have to start a fight with you.

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You know, these things happen are
you talk to your best friend and

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they got a problem with you.
And so what I'm saying here is and

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I'm gonna try to help mitigate these
circumstances for you. I'm gonna try to

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help you overcome these things, because
when we get and fall trap into these

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situations, we fall trap and then
guess what, they're able to clab us

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mentally, emotionally. And then some
of us who were like me and you

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know, you know, you actually
care about people and their feelings, and

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so maybe you feel bad, man, I shouldn't have said that. You

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know, he was a you know
pos. You know, maybe that wasn't

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the right thing to say. Maybe
I should have held back from that comment.

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And you know, it's interesting because
you think about the pos comment and

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you go, huh, yeah,
maybe that wasn't the best poet thing I

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did. Maybe that's not the best
thing I did. But it was hard

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to hold back for all that time. I mean, that was a long

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time of being braided. Okay,
So I know that many of you have

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gone through this. So we're gonna
talk about what to do, what not

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to do, how to talk about
like how to look at response versus reaction,

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you know, because you know,
because I waited, I waited,

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I was quiet, I waited,
I didn't say anything, and then I

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reacted. What I should have done, what I should have done real quick,

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for the record, is I should
have been common enough once the doors

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open, gotten myself a little space
away from him where he's not spitting on

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me anymore. And I mean literally
I could like smell his breath. He

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was that close. Can't stand that. And I should have just stepped back

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a bit and said, hey,
okay, this isn't my fault and it's

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not my problem. You know,
you were completely out of line, you

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know, and what you just did
here was completely out of line, completely

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unacceptable behavior. And I'd like you
to apologize to me now, or you

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can think about it and apologize later. I'll talk to you later, good

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day. That's what my response should
have been, but it wasn't. And

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so you know, the thing is
is that we all know in a vacuum

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what we would do, but what
happens when something comes at you like a

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curveball like this. What happens when
you don't expect it? What happens then?

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And these are big questions because we
got to prepare for these things so

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that we don't faults trapp into these
things. We got to prepare so somebody

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can't trap us. We got to
prepare because the last thing we want to

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do is have in your regret.
The last thing we want to do is

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have somebody holding something over us.
The last thing we want to do is

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somebody being able to turn the tables
and do something really stupid and not nice

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and just really wrong and toxic and
then being able to get away with it

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because they say, see what Ashley
said back, She's just as bad.

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She's a bad person, you see, I'm saying. So you're able to

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They're all able to deflect that because
they just did something bad. You they

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want to feel better about it.
You made a comment. Oh see she

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got you know, And they're thinking, and it's not consciously but subconsciously they're

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thinking, she got in the freaking
dirt mud with me anyway, So she's

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just on the same level. I
don't have to apologize to her for anything.

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And so that's what we're gonna dig
deep in the day because that's what

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we need to talk about. We
want to talk about how do we deal

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with it, how do we respond, how do we prepare, and how

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do we put this concept into memory
so that if this happens in the future,

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you're not taken off guard. No
matter what's in your hands, no

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matter how early today is, and
no matter how least expected the situation is,

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you are in control. And that's
what matters. That's what we're gonna

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talk about. We're gonna dive deep
today on that, and that's what we're

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gonna talk about because some of the
most interesting things happen in the elevators and

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I learn from This is a very
learning experience for me, and I want

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to share this with you. To
stay tuned live your true life Perspectives with

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me, your host, Ashley Burgess, will be back in I'll be back

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this time. You know it.
I'll be back this time into shape,

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turn it up and jump in the
deep end on Perspectives. Now here's Ashley.

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Welcome back live to Literature Life Perspectives
and I'm your host, Ashley Burgess.

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On today's show, I'm discussing how
to handle an argument you never planned

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on having. So somebody basically blindsides
you, side swipes you, and you're

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having a good day or you're not
expecting it. Next thing you know,

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they're in your face. They're arguing, they're yelling at either, spittling on

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you, just like I was saying, that happened to me, right,

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and they're not expecting it. And
you know, sometimes when you're not expecting

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things, sometimes we go into autopilots. Sometimes we don't always make the best

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decisions. Sometimes we just go into
instinct, right, we go into oh

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really, yeah, okay, and
we'll fight back. And I'm not saying

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that there's times that we shouldn't fight
back. Don't say that. I'm not

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trying to be f on pacifist,
that is not me. But there are

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times that we don't want to be
pulled into an argument that's not really ours

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to own. And what I'm saying
here is that if somebody's going to argue

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with you and they're wanting to fight
with you, they're wanting you to fight

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with them. That's what they want. They want you to be like,

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what's up, what's going on?
Get out of my face? You know

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your pos da da da da da
da da da da da. They want

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all that, and they want you
to get fired up, and they want

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you to get angry. They want
blood vessels popping out. They want you

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know that that neck, you know
that, you know that, the whole

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side of your neck and that vein
just popping out of your neck and your

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back starting to hurt. They want
that. That's what they want because they

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want to bring you to their level. They want to bring you to that

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level. They want to upset you. They want to make him mad.

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But you know what, we're not
gonna get mad. We're not gonna get

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mad something. You're like, yeah, we're gonna get even. I hear

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you, I hear you. But
you know what, we're actually gonna get

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even. And that's true. We're
gonna get even, but we're gonna get

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even the right way. We're gonna
get even the right way because if we

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try to fight the fight when we're
not expecting to fight, we're not getting

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even. We're getting clawbered. Because
what happens here is that they're trying to

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pull us into their little dirty sandbox
so they can get away with whatever they're

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arguing and fighting us about. If
you really think about it, a lot

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of the arguments don't apply to you. They just don't apply. And that

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in and of itself is very interesting
because a lot of times we fight back,

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but what are we fighting back for? Okay, it's almost like we're

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just fighting back because guess what,
somebody's come to us. They're arguing with

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us, they're angry with us,
they're fighting with us, and what do

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we do. Okay, I'm gonna
fight right back. It's your instinct,

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but in order to offset any pain
and suffering later and also them playing the

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victim reality, see, because they
changed the narrative. You know, in

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my situation, I know that my
neighbor's not like going home going you know

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what, I was kind of a
I was a jerk. I shouldn't have

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done that. I can't believe I
got in her face and was spittling on

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her and screaming all these profanities and
all that was a bad idea. I

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should have done that. That was
wrong. I need to go apologize.

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No, huh, I'm sure that
it never crossed her mind. And I

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believe that a lot of it too
is because guess what, because I jumped

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in. Had I not have jumped
in, and had I not have reacted.

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I would have been fine if I
would have just simply responded with,

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Hey, I don't know what's wrong. I don't know. I don't know

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what's going on with you today.
I'm not sure. I'm not going to

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try to guess or anything like that, but I think you probably need to

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seek a therapist or a life coach. You probably need to deal with your

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anger issues. You know what I'm
saying. And by the way, I

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deserve an apology. Let me know
if you want to give it to me

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now or later. Okay, Hey, I'll talk to you later. Good

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luck with all that have a great
day. If I could have done that,

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been genius move, and that's what
I normally would have done. But

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guess what it was seven am.
I had a bag of poop in my

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hand, go into the gastro internologist
to have a laboratory a lab taking of

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it to see if I had to
lose my gall bladder. So you know

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what, I wasn't prepared for that. I know some of y'all like,

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you know poopy jokes, so it's
kind of funny that I bring it up

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and I know something you don't.
You think it's absolutely disgusting, but either

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way, apologize. I'm not gonna
lie about what was in that bag,

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and I'm not gonna lie what I
was carrying. So it's like, that's

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the key. So let's jump in
when I return, and let's talk about

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how we can do this right and
how we can make sure that these things

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fall into our favor. Stay tuned
Live your True Life Perspectives with your host

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me Asking Burgess will be back in
and I'll be back this time in two

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shakes. This is Jake Busey and
you're listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back Live to Literature Life Perspectives, and I am your host, Ashley

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Burgess. We're talking about arguments,
how to handle the argument you never plan

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to have. A lot of us
can prepare for arguments, We can prepare

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for issues. But what happens when
it kind of blindsides us? What happens

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when it comes out of the middle
of nowhere. You're not expecting it,

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so you're not prepared. Because any
of us can prepare for those types of

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things. We can get prepared,
we can say what we will and will

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not do. We can have like
a structure, you know, so if

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we're already planning in this argument,
we're already structure. We might be sitting

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there. Some of you might be
like, well, yeah, I'd like

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to get really quiet. I like
to I like to lower my voice a

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lot, so it should show that
they their voice is so loud. Okay,

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that's good, But you know that's
interesting because that also makes people get

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louder. It's always interesting, you
know, when somebody's really enraged, when

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you start talking really low like this, it really does upset people. And

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I don't like to do that because
I don't want to create any more enragement.

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Okay, because that's the thing is
that there's a level of sophistication when

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you're responding that you got to make
sure that you connect with Because we don't

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want to play games. We don't
want to manipulate. No, we don't

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want to do that. We don't
want to have altercation. But what we

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do want to do is we want
to get control of ourselves. And by

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the way, let me give one
caveat here, because I want to make

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sure that everybody knows us if somebody's
getting physically violent with you, exit stage

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right. Okay, don't just sit
around and do this. This is not

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if somebody's getting physically violent. Okay, you get out of there immediately.

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You don't have to listen to any
of this. You get out of there

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immediately, You get to a safe
place, and you go from there.

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Whether you need to call it the
police, call fam remember, whatever you

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need to do, call security.
But you know you don't. You don't

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want to stay in an environment where
you could be physically hurt. So let's

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jump into the normal conversation, in
the normal argument where people aren't going to

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physically hurt each other. First off, we want to respond. Reaction is

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getting to their level. Reaction is
you know, arguing and fighting. Reaction

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is screaming back and forth. Reaction
is doing that sort of thing. So

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we want to we want to respond
in a way that's calm. Now,

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we don't have to be overly calm. We're not trying to be you know,

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fakely calm. We're just trying to
be ourselves. Two. One of

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the things that I did, and
one of the thing that I did well

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though in that situation, even though
the rest of it fell apart, was

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I actually did listen to what they
were saying because I wanted to listen to

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make sure it wasn't something that I
had done. Okay, So that is

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one thing that I do take in
conservation. If somebody does come to me

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and argue and fight whatever, I
will listen. But once I realize that

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it's not something I've done and that
there's a point where I'm kind of done

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on the listening point of listening to
the things that I've done wrong when I

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really haven't done anything wrong. And
the thing too about these arguments is that

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the ambush argument is not the easiest
thing to deal with. The ambush argument

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is classically really challenging. So as
long as you understand that, and as

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long as you kind of get that, we can go from there. So

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remember it, you're not alway.
It's not always going to be the perfect

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playbook when you're ambush. It's not
always the perfect playbook when you're not expecting

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it. That's not something that is
going to be perfect. But the better

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we do, the less stress we
have, the less resentment or regret we

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have, because we don't also want
to regret. Many of us are empathic,

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many of us care about other people, and the last thing we want

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to do is to have regret.
I wish I wouldn't have said that to

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Steve. I wish I wouldn't have
said that to Tom. I wish I

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wouldn't have said that to Jennifer.
I wish I wouldn't have said that to

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whoever. Okay, it's a very
interesting dynamic, and so you got to

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think about those things. So whoever
you're Tom, Jennifer, Steve, Joanna

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Is, you don't want to have
that. But at the same time,

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we don't want to allow people like
that to walk all over us. Okay,

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So there is a fine line between
reacting and responding. Okay, So

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what happens when we do erupt?
So the thing is is that these folks

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that are starting these fights are wanting
to get you to erupt. That is

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what they want. That is their
pleasure, That's what they want to see.

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They want to see you, you
know, basically freak out. They

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want to see freak out, lose
your cool and get to the same level

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as they are, because then they've
won. They've got you to where they

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want you to be. They've got
you where they want you to be.

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They know it, they got you. They're feeling confident about that, they're

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feeling good ab about that, and
then they can take you to the next

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level. The other thing too,
is that when you do erupt, you're

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no better than them. So now
that they've gotten you to erupt, you're

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in the game now with them.
You're rolling around in the mud with them.

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And now see there there, and
now they've basically allowed their stuff.

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So they're like, okay, well, now ASK's coast. Basically they see

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this as oh, asks cosigning on
this. Okay. So when we allow

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ourselves to erupt, what we're doing
is we're actually co signing on what they're

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doing. And I know that many
of us do not want to co sign

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on that argument because that argument is
not what we want to co sign on.

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It's not how we agree, it's
not what we believe, it's not

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the truth. It's their narrative.
It's them trying to pull you into a

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corner to argue. Now, like
I was saying, how do they get

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off scott free? Will they get
off scott free? Because they pull you

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in and then they turn it on
you. So I know that a lot

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of people nowadays talk about manipulation and
gaslighting. Manipulation gaslight is very interesting because

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what happens is why when you're doing
it, you're gaslighting, you're kind of

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trying to make somebody kind of question
themselves, you know, wonder go a

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little insane if you might. But
it's all used as a way of getting

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somebody to get very angry or upset
or hostile, just like manipulation. And

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see what happens is is that it's
great when somebody it's great in their minds,

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right, not for us, but
it's great in their minds when they're

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able to manipulate us to a level
that we don't even expect from ourselves.

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And so the last thing you want
to do is give them what they want.

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So that's one of the biggest things
that I want to really, really,

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really really emphasize is don't give them
the pleasure. Okay, don't.

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Whatever you do, don't because they
want you to fight them. They want

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you to argue with them, they
want you to scream back, they want

396
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you to go off, they want
you to start a fight. That's what

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they want. And so I want
you to really think about that because if

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you realize that that's really what they're
wanting, and you realize that's what they're

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trying to get from you, and
you realize that they're trying to manipulate that.

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To give them that, then you
know that you don't really want to

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00:26:42.640 --> 00:26:45.759
give it to them. It's like, you know, it's like, why

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00:26:45.799 --> 00:26:48.920
would you want to give them what
they want when they're trying to go so

403
00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:53.240
sneaky about it? Why would you
want to give somebody what they want when

404
00:26:53.240 --> 00:26:56.440
they're not helping you. Why would
you want to give somebody what they want

405
00:26:57.359 --> 00:27:06.759
when they're actually super negat and trying
to be super controlling. So think about

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00:27:06.799 --> 00:27:11.319
it. I find that it's very
interesting too. The whole situation is that

407
00:27:12.319 --> 00:27:18.480
we want to be able to present
our side if we need to, but

408
00:27:18.599 --> 00:27:23.359
maybe there's no need to present our
side. I think that sometimes in arguments

409
00:27:23.359 --> 00:27:26.440
when people ambush you, there might
be a need to present your side.

410
00:27:26.480 --> 00:27:30.799
But I think when somebody ambushes you, it's kind of like it's almost like

411
00:27:30.960 --> 00:27:36.680
bad business. I understand. The
last thing that people do and i'd fight

412
00:27:36.799 --> 00:27:37.720
is the last thing they're gonna do
is say hey, I'm going to hit

413
00:27:37.759 --> 00:27:41.000
you, because they want to hit
that person first and have that person not

414
00:27:41.119 --> 00:27:45.279
realize that they're going to get hit, and then that person gets cold cocked

415
00:27:45.480 --> 00:27:49.559
and they didn't think that it was
going to happen, okay. But the

416
00:27:49.559 --> 00:27:53.079
thing is is that that's just not
the right way of going by things.

417
00:27:53.119 --> 00:27:56.720
It's just not the right way.
It's not the right way of dealing with

418
00:27:56.880 --> 00:28:00.119
situations, is not the right way
because what's happening, So they know that

419
00:28:00.160 --> 00:28:04.960
they're taking you off target, they
know that they have the upper hand,

420
00:28:07.240 --> 00:28:12.000
and they know that how they're doing
was just was actually thought out and strategically

421
00:28:12.039 --> 00:28:18.559
thought out and timed to some degree. Now not always. Sometimes people just

422
00:28:18.599 --> 00:28:21.920
get just the best of them,
get gets them and they just can't handle

423
00:28:22.039 --> 00:28:23.599
that. They can't deal with it. They can't process their anger, they

424
00:28:23.599 --> 00:28:27.960
can't process their emotions, and they
have to let it out somewhere, somehow,

425
00:28:29.119 --> 00:28:33.160
some way. So, knowing that
this is a possibility, and I

426
00:28:33.200 --> 00:28:37.920
don't want us to sit there and
ponder and pontificate on this day after day,

427
00:28:37.039 --> 00:28:41.039
week after week, year after year, but we need to create some

428
00:28:41.240 --> 00:28:52.799
sort of roadmap for the potential possibility
of the unplanned argument. What do we

429
00:28:52.839 --> 00:28:55.559
need to think about? Because also
this could be good for any argument,

430
00:28:55.599 --> 00:28:59.160
because even if you have even if
you know that somebody's about to argue with

431
00:28:59.200 --> 00:29:02.599
you, and you kind of have
a premonition or you kind of get tipped

432
00:29:02.640 --> 00:29:04.839
off or what have you. You
got to keep your wits about you.

433
00:29:06.960 --> 00:29:11.839
And sometimes it's hard because sometimes we're
all emotionally invested in this. Right,

434
00:29:11.839 --> 00:29:17.480
If you're emotionally invested, how do
you deal with it? You know,

435
00:29:17.559 --> 00:29:22.519
if this really upsets you, how
do you deal with it? These are

436
00:29:22.559 --> 00:29:26.559
things that we got to ask ourselves, these questions, you know, how

437
00:29:26.559 --> 00:29:29.200
do we calm down? Because I
think it's easier to calm down in an

438
00:29:29.240 --> 00:29:32.839
argument when it's not somebody that you
have some sort of emotional investment in.

439
00:29:33.160 --> 00:29:38.039
But I've also realized that the more
it wrenches up, the worse it gets.

440
00:29:40.359 --> 00:29:44.480
The more it renches up, the
worse it gets. And when we

441
00:29:44.519 --> 00:29:48.000
allow it to wrench up, we
also allow this person to push over the

442
00:29:48.119 --> 00:29:52.319
edge and in the process trying to
push us over the edge to match their

443
00:29:52.440 --> 00:29:55.079
issues. And that's just not what
I want to give in. I don't

444
00:29:55.079 --> 00:29:57.519
want to give that. I don't
want to give somebody that type of power

445
00:29:57.680 --> 00:30:02.720
over me. And that is what
is happening, is that you know,

446
00:30:03.119 --> 00:30:06.799
and there's times where you just gotta
walk away. I know that some of

447
00:30:06.839 --> 00:30:08.640
you want to stick in that battle, but there's times that you just walk

448
00:30:08.640 --> 00:30:11.200
away. There's times that you turn
your back and walk away and make sure

449
00:30:11.240 --> 00:30:15.839
that there's no violence there, but
you just walk away. I'll talk to

450
00:30:15.880 --> 00:30:21.440
you later. You have nothing to
say because I've also found too, is

451
00:30:21.480 --> 00:30:26.039
that you know, when we lower
ourselves to that point, even if we

452
00:30:26.160 --> 00:30:30.359
had a valid point, even if
we had a value, you know,

453
00:30:30.440 --> 00:30:37.440
a valuable, valid situation, that
valid, valuable situation is no longer respected

454
00:30:37.519 --> 00:30:42.559
because now they're using this as a
weapon. How you respond, how you

455
00:30:42.640 --> 00:30:48.279
reacted as a weapon. And so
remember, if we're going to get any

456
00:30:48.440 --> 00:30:56.000
sort of I guess in the moment, any sort of redemption, we have

457
00:30:56.119 --> 00:30:59.960
to realize that if we're gonna get
any sort of redemption, we have to

458
00:31:00.079 --> 00:31:03.640
realize that we have to It kind
of go along with the fact that we

459
00:31:03.720 --> 00:31:08.079
have to expect the fact that if
we don't come into this and our highest

460
00:31:08.160 --> 00:31:12.680
level, our highest good to some
degree, that's gonna be problematic. And

461
00:31:12.720 --> 00:31:15.960
I know that some people go to
the other side. We've talked about that

462
00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:18.079
where they quiet their voice and then
they get really low and why are you

463
00:31:18.079 --> 00:31:22.920
talking like that and you're yelling it
was right and that and that to me

464
00:31:22.079 --> 00:31:26.559
is okay. But to me,
that also is not the way the right

465
00:31:26.599 --> 00:31:30.319
way of responding, because that's also
a bit of fakery and that's also trying

466
00:31:30.319 --> 00:31:33.400
to change the game plan. To
me, it's you talk at your level,

467
00:31:33.519 --> 00:31:37.839
you respond back with your truth,
and then if they're not going to

468
00:31:37.880 --> 00:31:40.119
listen, you either take a time
out, you take a break, or

469
00:31:40.119 --> 00:31:45.480
you say I've had enough because it's
not on their timeline. If they're not

470
00:31:45.640 --> 00:31:51.599
willing to listen to you speak,
then that's not it's not even there's no

471
00:31:51.759 --> 00:31:56.000
there's not even a conversation. We
can't even have a conversation. And so

472
00:31:56.039 --> 00:31:57.559
that's something to really think about.
And one of the things too, is

473
00:31:57.599 --> 00:32:01.000
like how much are the negative interaction
are you having to deal with? How

474
00:32:01.079 --> 00:32:06.200
much of the negative energy is in
your life? Do you have several people

475
00:32:06.400 --> 00:32:09.559
arguing with you and fighting with you
on a daily basis. That's something to

476
00:32:09.599 --> 00:32:15.440
ask yourself if you do, who
are these people in your life? You

477
00:32:15.480 --> 00:32:21.279
know? And what's the arguments about? And do the arguments ever get solved

478
00:32:22.519 --> 00:32:27.519
or are they constantly finding faults?
I mean, when somebody is constantly finding

479
00:32:27.519 --> 00:32:32.279
fault with you and you're constantly battling
and basically trying to survive, the latest

480
00:32:32.480 --> 00:32:38.839
argument. It doesn't seem to be
getting any better. It actually seems to

481
00:32:38.839 --> 00:32:44.200
be getting worse. Because I've also
found too that we have to be careful

482
00:32:44.240 --> 00:32:47.720
because we don't want to play kate. So there's a difference between not lowering

483
00:32:47.759 --> 00:32:52.000
ourselves and there's also a difference in
not play kating. I'm not going to

484
00:32:52.039 --> 00:32:54.519
accept that I did something wrong that
I didn't do. I am not going

485
00:32:54.559 --> 00:33:00.160
to apologize for something I did not
do wrong. Okay, I'm just not.

486
00:33:00.559 --> 00:33:02.880
And if somebody wants an apology for
something I did not do, they're

487
00:33:02.920 --> 00:33:06.279
not going to get it for me. And if they don't want to speak

488
00:33:06.359 --> 00:33:08.000
to me, because that's what happens, then so be it. I guess

489
00:33:08.039 --> 00:33:10.960
they're not going to speak to me, you know. And that's the thing

490
00:33:12.039 --> 00:33:15.039
is that I realize that if you
apologize for something you didn't do, you're

491
00:33:15.119 --> 00:33:22.880
accepting blame and fault, and you're
also lying to yourself for whatever reason that

492
00:33:22.039 --> 00:33:27.279
is. And I know some people
out there you're in relationships that you're too

493
00:33:27.359 --> 00:33:32.000
scared to lose, you know,
whether it's a romantic relationship, a friendship,

494
00:33:32.160 --> 00:33:36.759
or even a work relationship. But
you gotta think about you gotta think

495
00:33:36.759 --> 00:33:39.799
about your own you know, your
own self respect. You gotta think about

496
00:33:39.839 --> 00:33:44.400
what's best for you, and you
got to think about all those types of

497
00:33:44.400 --> 00:33:46.839
things and see what it is that
you need to be doing for you.

498
00:33:46.920 --> 00:33:52.680
And those are the questions that we
have to have. Those are the questions

499
00:33:52.720 --> 00:33:54.440
that we have to analyze. Those
are the things that we have to think

500
00:33:54.480 --> 00:33:59.440
about. And I think that that's
very powerful for us to think about.

501
00:33:59.480 --> 00:34:01.279
I think it's very very important for
us to think about. And I think

502
00:34:01.319 --> 00:34:06.079
in that process, we don't want
to play Kate. We don't want to

503
00:34:06.119 --> 00:34:08.920
accept fault we didn't have. We
don't want to lower ourselves to their level.

504
00:34:09.239 --> 00:34:13.199
We don't want to lose our cool. If we want to, we

505
00:34:13.239 --> 00:34:15.360
can always say, hey, I
gotta take a break, I'll talk to

506
00:34:15.360 --> 00:34:19.159
you later, or hey, we'll
talk about this when you're calmed down.

507
00:34:19.400 --> 00:34:22.119
Also, the other fact too,
is that we can't point out what they're

508
00:34:22.199 --> 00:34:25.400
doing wrong if we're yelling. We
can't point out what they've done when we're

509
00:34:25.480 --> 00:34:30.079
yelling. And also a lot of
times with these folks, you know,

510
00:34:30.159 --> 00:34:34.760
the idea of anything really going through, you know, into their mind and

511
00:34:34.800 --> 00:34:37.440
then accepting any sort of reality is
very difficult. Because they're already on death

512
00:34:37.480 --> 00:34:40.960
gun five. They're already angry,
they're already a little out of sorts,

513
00:34:42.000 --> 00:34:45.119
and they're already disregulated. So we
got to look at that as well.

514
00:34:45.159 --> 00:34:46.480
So when I return, I'm gonna
give you some more tips and tips and

515
00:34:46.760 --> 00:34:51.360
I'm dealing with this and how to
offset this. Stay tuned Live Your True

516
00:34:51.360 --> 00:34:54.440
Life Perspectives with me, your host, Acid Burtis will be back in I'll

517
00:34:54.440 --> 00:35:10.760
be back this time in two shakes. Get in here. You're listening to

518
00:35:10.840 --> 00:35:17.440
Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Welcome back
Live to Literature Life Perspectives and I'm your

519
00:35:17.440 --> 00:35:21.760
host, Ashley Burgess. We've been
talking about how to handle the argument.

520
00:35:21.800 --> 00:35:23.920
You never plan for what to do, what not to do, you know,

521
00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:28.320
because the big thing is not to
lower ourselves. The second thing is

522
00:35:28.360 --> 00:35:30.199
not to fall in the trap of
reaction. That's what they want. They

523
00:35:30.239 --> 00:35:32.480
want to get you at that level. They want you to be angry,

524
00:35:32.559 --> 00:35:36.239
they want you to react, they
want you to get you know, all

525
00:35:36.280 --> 00:35:37.440
out of source, just you know, they want you to they want to

526
00:35:37.480 --> 00:35:40.599
just regulate you. They want to
do all these things to you to get

527
00:35:40.639 --> 00:35:45.519
you on their level. And then
at that point you have also crossed over.

528
00:35:45.679 --> 00:35:49.000
Now you're at their same level.
They're now allowed to do what they

529
00:35:49.000 --> 00:35:52.119
do. You've basically affirmed their their
attitude and what they're saying instead of you

530
00:35:52.159 --> 00:35:54.639
know, saying, hey, what's
going on? Are you okay? Now

531
00:35:54.679 --> 00:35:59.519
you've affirmed that you've gone to their
level and they're not going to apologize.

532
00:36:00.039 --> 00:36:00.920
The other thing too, that many
of you are dealing with is, you

533
00:36:00.920 --> 00:36:05.440
know, play kating or accepting responsibility
for things that you've done in order to

534
00:36:05.480 --> 00:36:07.320
just quiet the argument. And that's
just not good. I mean, if

535
00:36:07.320 --> 00:36:10.880
you're in a relationship like that right
now and you just have to play kate

536
00:36:12.119 --> 00:36:15.039
to be able to get that person
to be quiet or you know, to

537
00:36:15.079 --> 00:36:17.719
stop arguing with you, you know, you're in a very controlling relationship.

538
00:36:17.760 --> 00:36:22.039
You're in a very very controlling relationship
with somebody that is controlling you. They

539
00:36:22.039 --> 00:36:25.679
are arguing and fighting with you as
much as possible, and they know that

540
00:36:25.760 --> 00:36:30.599
they can, and they also know
that you're going to back down for whatever

541
00:36:30.679 --> 00:36:34.320
reason that is, whether it's the
fear of losing the relationship, the fear

542
00:36:34.360 --> 00:36:38.159
of losing the friendship, you know, whatever it is, maybe your fear

543
00:36:38.199 --> 00:36:40.480
of you know, you don't you
don't want to deal with conflict. You

544
00:36:40.519 --> 00:36:45.559
don't want to do a confrontation,
and that's and that's painful because when we

545
00:36:45.599 --> 00:36:49.599
don't want to deal with conflict and
confrontation, we usually somehow are not have

546
00:36:49.760 --> 00:36:53.480
it because eventually something's going to happen. And if you can being able to

547
00:36:53.559 --> 00:36:57.079
step back and saying, hey,
you know, if you don't want to

548
00:36:57.079 --> 00:36:59.760
talk about that, or if it
has nothing to do with you, or

549
00:36:59.840 --> 00:37:02.079
you or you're being honest, or
this isn't me, it's being able to

550
00:37:02.119 --> 00:37:05.400
call it out. Hey, this
isn't my fault. I didn't do this,

551
00:37:05.400 --> 00:37:07.960
This is not my fault, and
I'm not going to take blame for

552
00:37:07.000 --> 00:37:10.119
this, and I'm certainly not going
to apologize for something I haven't done.

553
00:37:10.239 --> 00:37:15.559
And if you've been doing this and
apologizing for things that you've not done just

554
00:37:15.599 --> 00:37:17.760
to have some sort of quiet,
peaceful moments in your life, you need

555
00:37:17.800 --> 00:37:23.400
to reevaluate the relationships that you're doing
that with. And I'm sorry to say

556
00:37:23.440 --> 00:37:27.800
that, but you need to reevaluate
and think about how you're going to continue

557
00:37:27.840 --> 00:37:31.199
down this road and making some changes
so that you can have some boundaries and

558
00:37:31.199 --> 00:37:35.599
that you can have some peace and
quiet and so if this has been a

559
00:37:35.599 --> 00:37:39.000
long term relationship, marriage, friendship, really analyzing and really looking at that

560
00:37:39.079 --> 00:37:43.199
relationship, and eventually you're gonna have
to call it out in a way and

561
00:37:43.280 --> 00:37:45.239
express your feelings to see if things
can change, and if not, you

562
00:37:45.320 --> 00:37:50.559
have to decide how you want to
continue to handle this, because I've found

563
00:37:50.559 --> 00:37:52.440
that when people are in these types
of environments where people that are trying to

564
00:37:52.480 --> 00:37:57.079
do this on a constant basis,
when this happens a lot of times,

565
00:37:58.079 --> 00:38:02.599
it's just bringing pain and freeing and
unrest into anybody's life. And when you're

566
00:38:02.639 --> 00:38:07.519
having to deal with this pain,
suffering, unrest, it's very taxing on

567
00:38:07.559 --> 00:38:10.320
the body. It's very taxing on
the heart, it's very taxing on the

568
00:38:10.360 --> 00:38:15.599
mind. It's just very taxing.
It's very stressful, and it's very overwhelming.

569
00:38:15.920 --> 00:38:17.159
And it's the last thing that we
really need to deal with if we're

570
00:38:17.159 --> 00:38:22.280
wanting to have a healthy life,
a healthy mental, emotional, and spiritual

571
00:38:22.280 --> 00:38:24.159
life. And so I hope that
this show has helped you. I hope

572
00:38:24.199 --> 00:38:28.599
the concept of dealing with these arguments
have helped you and put some thoughts in,

573
00:38:28.800 --> 00:38:31.599
you know, just not reacting,
only responding, being quiet until you

574
00:38:31.639 --> 00:38:35.320
know exactly what's going on, and
then you can respond if you want.

575
00:38:35.639 --> 00:38:37.880
You know, also you can take
a break any time, you can leave

576
00:38:37.920 --> 00:38:40.800
it anytime. And also not apologizing
for things that you haven't done, just

577
00:38:40.920 --> 00:38:44.599
not doing it. It's bad business, it's not good, it's not right.

578
00:38:45.039 --> 00:38:47.000
And what happens is that person expects
you to start doing that across the

579
00:38:47.039 --> 00:38:51.480
board and they'll start fight with fights
with you to do that, and that's

580
00:38:51.599 --> 00:38:54.159
just not the right thing. It's
definitely not healthy and it's definitely not right

581
00:38:54.239 --> 00:38:58.320
for you. And if you're having
those types of relationships with people and you're

582
00:38:58.360 --> 00:39:00.639
dealing with this on a constant basis, you know, literally looking at these

583
00:39:00.639 --> 00:39:06.400
relationships and starting to kind of question
some of this might be extremely important for

584
00:39:06.440 --> 00:39:09.239
you and your sanity. If you
haven't already, check out the YouTube channel.

585
00:39:09.280 --> 00:39:14.519
We put up new video content all
throughout the week. Short form content

586
00:39:14.679 --> 00:39:17.920
under a minute, longer form content
over five minutes. We have a lot

587
00:39:17.920 --> 00:39:22.519
of content. We have a thousand
videos on YouTube right now. Also,

588
00:39:22.599 --> 00:39:25.039
you can follow me and joining in
the conversation on Facebook. Just go to

589
00:39:25.039 --> 00:39:32.800
Facebook put in Ashley Burgess be ERGEs
Instagram Ashley Burgess Berges. You can look

590
00:39:32.800 --> 00:39:37.440
at us on TikTok as well,
relationship relationship coach, I think no,

591
00:39:37.480 --> 00:39:42.000
I actually just look up Ashley Burgess. You can find me there on TikTok

592
00:39:42.039 --> 00:39:45.639
as well, and so definitely check
that out. But in the meantime,

593
00:39:45.719 --> 00:39:49.119
think about it. We owe it
to ourselves to do what's right for us.

594
00:39:49.159 --> 00:39:51.280
And yes, it's good to think
about others, and I think about

595
00:39:51.280 --> 00:39:53.199
others all the time, and I
care about others, but sometimes we have

596
00:39:53.239 --> 00:39:57.000
to really think about us and think
about what's right for us. And how

597
00:39:57.039 --> 00:40:00.039
do I keep my peace in sanity? How do I do it? What

598
00:40:00.119 --> 00:40:01.840
can I do? What can I
do on a daily basis to keep that

599
00:40:01.880 --> 00:40:07.280
even if somebody's coming from left field
wants to start an hour a coming blindsiding

600
00:40:07.360 --> 00:40:10.840
me. How do I keep my
peace of mind? Because that's what's really

601
00:40:10.880 --> 00:40:14.639
important here living your true life.
How to live your true life is being

602
00:40:14.679 --> 00:40:20.519
true to yourself, being kind to
yourself, giving yourself grace, and standing

603
00:40:20.599 --> 00:40:23.480
up for yourself when you need to, but also eliminating things out of your

604
00:40:23.519 --> 00:40:28.719
life that no longer serve any sort
of healthy purpose. Stay tuned. We

605
00:40:28.760 --> 00:40:31.440
have a great show for you next
week and check out. You can always

606
00:40:31.480 --> 00:40:36.800
go to Spreeker or Apple podcasts and
you can see you can listen to all

607
00:40:36.840 --> 00:40:40.920
the old or previous episodes of with
your True Life Perspectives. Stay tuned Literature

608
00:40:40.960 --> 00:40:45.840
life Perspectives with your host me Absolute
Burgess. Will be back in I'll be

609
00:40:45.840 --> 00:40:47.519
back this time. You know it. I'll be back this time in three shapes