April 30, 2025

End the Loop of Manipulation and Gaslighting in your Relationships. [Ep. 795]

End the Loop of Manipulation and Gaslighting in your Relationships. [Ep. 795]

It's time to stop your brain from talking you out of what really happened, what was really said, and what events actually transpired that day in your life. It’s interesting how we create narratives in our minds as to what happened in a given...

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Apple Podcasts podcast player iconSpotify podcast player iconRSS Feed podcast player icon

It's time to stop your brain from talking you out of what really happened, what was really said, and what events actually transpired that day in your life. It’s interesting how we create narratives in our minds as to what happened in a given situation, we change and augment those events to better align with keeping our current situation to offset the feelings of fear or uncertainty. We allow this reality augmentation to occur when it comes to current overwhelming events, phenomena without logical answers, and in our interpersonal relationships. In this podcast, I am offering you solutions to remember things as they happened and how to put an end to the unhealthy loop of accepting manipulation and gaslighting. These techniques will empower you and help you to get out of the matrix of codependency and stop waisting your time in exhausting relationships loops.

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You're in a good place now. You are listening to

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Perspectives with Ashley Burgets. Welcome back live to the Ashley

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Burgess Show previously known as Livirtrue Life Perspectives, and on

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today's podcast, I want to discuss and really deep dive

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into how we allow our brain to talk us out

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of what actually happened, what was said in a situation,

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and what events that transpired and took place, because I

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find it very interesting how we can talk ourselves out

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of something or into something, and sometimes what really took

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place is completely different than what we remember or how

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we process it. We can actually create narratives in our

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head to change what took place to better fit our lifestyle,

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our narrative, what we want in our life. We change

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and augment things because we tell ourselves one thing, or

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we need to live this life, or we need to

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be in this situation, or we need to be in

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this relationship, or we believe that we should be in

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this career no matter whatever that is. And this happens

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in real situations as well, like current events, where we

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will change it like something really did happen, and then

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you're like, well, there's no way that actually took place

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there's no way, and so we make up an entire

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narrative to make it easier on ourselves to not get

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scared of things, to feel as though we have a

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really good beat on things, and so on today's show,

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I really want to discuss that, and more so even

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not just how we do it in current events, right,

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and things that happen you're like, oh my gosh, did

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that really happen? And we color it and we change

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it and we make it out to be something different.

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But I want to talk about it in relationships and

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how we do that in our relationships today. Many of

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you are doing this in your marriage, in your current relationship,

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even maybe at your job, your career, or in your

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family dynamic, maybe even with your parents or what have you,

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and you're changing and augmenting things from what's really taking place,

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and we need to be able to see and recognize

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this as happening. Why it's important to recognize it is that, well,

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when we change what really happened, we kind of find

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ourselves in a pattern, right, because many of us change

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things because we don't really want to see the truth.

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We'd rather avoid the truth or avoid the situation and

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hope that things will get better on their own. And

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I think that some of us are in these patterns

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of action because maybe we've been down this road multiple

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multiple times, maybe with somebody different or maybe the same person,

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and we just don't want to deal with that. We

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don't want to have to argue it, we don't want

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to have to shine light on it, what have you.

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And those are things that we really need to look

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at in today's podcasts. So in our relationship, we tend

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to rewrite history, making either somebody the angel or somebody

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the devil. And some of you are not, you know,

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black and white thinkers. So I'm not saying many of us,

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you know, see obviously shades of let's say gray. But

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I do find that interesting when I work with clients.

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Most of my clients are the avatar that is coming

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from the position of, Hey, I've just gotten this new

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relationship with this person and they're telling me that their

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ex is a narcissistic abuser. You know, what do you

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think about that? And you know, sometimes that could be

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the case, but it depends on how we see the

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concept of narcissistic abuser, right, I mean the way that

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you probably see it is the way I see it

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where it's somebody that's you know, a bully and all

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self centered and mentally and emotionally putting somebody down and

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gas slighting them and manipulating them and hurting their feelings

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where that could be their definition or their definition could

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be very different, and so they can color their exes

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as devil and horrible people and abusers and what have you.

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And then you have some people out there too where

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you know, they lose a spouse or they or they

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or a relationship falls apart, and even though the relationship

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was you know, smattered with lots of problems and difficulties

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and issues, and maybe that person had some issues of

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their own, maybe lots of issues of their own, you know,

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the other person still, you know, colors them as this angel,

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this amazing person that got away, this amazing angel. This

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you know they couldn't do and they could do no wrong,

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you know, they put them on that pedestal and they

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think every day about they lost out on this amazing,

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perfect relationship. And I find that the narratives that we

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create keep us in patterns of thought, they also keep

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us in patterns of manipulation and control. Right, So if

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you are in these types of patterns, there's somebody probably

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on the other end who is controlling you, controlling in

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the narrative, and you're allowing them to as well. And

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so you know, when we have tendencies of being people pleasers,

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of trying to help people out of trying to do

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the right thing, and many of us come from, you know,

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the people pleasing kind of standpoints. As far as when

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you were being raised, there were issues and problem dynamics

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in your family dynamic, right, so you know, if you

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had this perfect childhood and mom and dad were amazing

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and everybody was like, you know, very supportive and helpful

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and and committed to being there at the highest level,

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you know, I don't think you'd be tuned into this podcast,

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and you know your life would probably be amazing right

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on all levels, because you would have been given the

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fuel to be able to come from a space of

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not limitation or feeling bad about yourself or trying to

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be better or trying to get attention from others, because

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you would already have it right. It wouldn't be something

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and you wouldn't have to be in that code dependent

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stance because you know, they would be giving you what

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you need and vice aversa, you wouldn't have to be

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helping them to get the attention you need from them,

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you know, in order to facilitate this type of codependent relationship,

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right where I do these things for you, and therefore

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you care about me. But if I don't do these things,

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then you don't and you're incapable of taking care of

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yourself as well. Talking about the parent dynamic, right, And

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so when we come from that dynamic taking care of

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mom and dad or mom or dad, and we find

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ourselves giving and giving and giving and not even knowing

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exactly if you know, we necessarily want to give all

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the time, or if this is really coming from an

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altruistic place, or is this just coming from the fact

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that now my entire concept of my value has become

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based on the fact that I do things for other people.

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And that's how I was raised as a child, coming

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out of the situation with the parent dynamic. And I

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think many of you fit this avatar. And so when

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you find yourself in different relationships, you begin to try

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to tackle the big issues with these people and try

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to help them, But at the same time they're doing

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things that might be very negative, possibly very unhealthy or

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maybe even manipulating you, and we'll go into that and

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you know, instead of really looking at it honestly, you know,

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maybe we discard that because of the fear of being

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alone or the fear of abandonment, or we keep wanting to,

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you know, help that person out because we feel if

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we can help them, then that adds to our values.

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So even though they might be fighting us and shooting

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a hole in the boat, we're still trying to patch

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the boat every night as much as we can because

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our value is about getting that boat to safety. With

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everybody concerned, we're not really thinking about our own mental, emotional,

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and absolute spiritual safety that we need to have. So

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we color what are the events of things that happened

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with our feelings and emotions right, the needs that we have.

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So something might be really bad, and maybe we're in

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a relationship that's very toxic, but yet you know, we

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wake up every morning, you know, telling us says, oh wow,

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you know I live in this great house, or you know, hey,

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things are going to get better, or you know things

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have gotten you know, things have been good in the past,

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and so we sleep on things, right, we sleep on

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things and in the process of sleeping on things. Many

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of us revert back to the beginning of the relationship.

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You know how great the beginning was, and the connection

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and the conversations that were had in the beginning, and

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so we use that as a point where this was,

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this was there in the beginning, this was this was happening,

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This was actually real, This really took place. Now, we

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don't we don't want to acknowledge the fact that, yes,

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there was a pedestal phase and some people might have

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been loved bombing us, or it was the newness of

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the relationship, or people weren't being extremely honest and there

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was still a mask on that sort of thing. We

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don't want to see any of that. We just know, Hey, back,

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you know seven months ago or two years ago or

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five years ago, you know this was actually working. And

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so I'm gonna wake up and pretend to some degree

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that this never happened. And some of you are so

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good at it you actually forget the events of each night.

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Because I think there's a lot of PTSD going on,

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because there's these negative patterns. You're trying to change things,

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things won't change. And so if I just sweep it

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under the rug, I don't really think about it, maybe

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things will be better today. And I find that one

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of the most helpful things that you can do, and

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I personally do it as well with regards to specific

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relationships in my life, is I keep a tally a

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notebook of situations, circumstances and events that take place. And

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I keep that because I like to keep and it's

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not like a record, so to speak, but I like

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to keep a mental record for myself. So there's certain

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things that I don't forget. I don't try to colorize,

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I don't try to change or augment, because there's patterns

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in many people's actions, and there's patterns and things that

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people do that if we actually begin to see it clearly,

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we begin to see it clearly, we can have power.

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And now I want to give one caveat because I

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know that some of you might be thinking, huh, well,

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you know, maybe if I sweep it on the rug,

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eventually things will get better, and you know, there's a

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possibility for anything. But also the longer we sweep it

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under the rug something that's constantly happening, the longer we're

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in this toxic, unhealthy relationship, the more time we're wasting

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in our own life, the more time of our life

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that we're putting on the back burner, you know, and

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think about it, it's like, Okay, do you want to

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keep wasting the time in this situation? And I don't

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mean to say wasting, because you know, tough lessons are

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not necessarily a waste of time. But do we always

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want to go through the tough lessons constantly? And do

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we want to elongate these tough lessons out for years

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upon years upon years. And I know some of you

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out there saying, well, I'm already in five years of this,

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you know, And I understand too. It's the time I

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put all this time and I put all this effort

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in and I get that. I understand that. But sometimes

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we have to step back from that narrative as well

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and really ask ourselves, like what what do we really want?

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You know, what would really be important? It's not about

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making us happy. We can only make ourselves happy. Like

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when I hear people say, oh, he makes me so

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happy or she makes me so happy, it makes me

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want to vomit. And the reason for that is not

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because I'm like rude and crude. It's just because if

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somebody makes you happy, they can also make you really sad.

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If they can make you sad, for example, if they

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leave and you're distraught, right, that's not going to be

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healthy for you. Not to say that we don't want

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to have emotions in our relationship, but you don't want

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to give somebody like your entire happiness, like, oh, because

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they're in my life, I'm happy. But when they leave, okay,

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so then what happens. We have to actually make ourselves happy.

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And happy is such a weird, kind of strange blanket

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word that really doesn't have that much meaning. We have

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to make ourselves content, I think content at peace. As

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far as you know, you don't have this racing brain.

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You're not freaked out all the time, you're not stressed out.

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You know, when somebody's inner out of your life, it

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doesn't make you go from one extreme to another. Instead,

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you can be very level. And that's what's very important,

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because we have to create the stability in our own life,

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and then that stability needs to be like an anchor.

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That stability needs to be like the foundation of your home,

231
00:12:42.399 --> 00:12:45.240
which is your body, where you can control that. You

232
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don't want someone else in control of that foundation, you know,

233
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where they can demo that at any moment, or they

234
00:12:51.320 --> 00:12:53.360
can add pain to that, or they can pull up

235
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the rugs from up underneath you. And some people might

236
00:12:56.120 --> 00:12:58.320
get some joy from that as well. And unfortunately, there's

237
00:12:58.360 --> 00:13:01.200
a lot of people out there that manipulate and control

238
00:13:01.279 --> 00:13:04.600
with because of their own psychosis and issues. Right, because

239
00:13:04.960 --> 00:13:09.720
you know, an unhappy person, an unhealthy person, you know,

240
00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:12.240
is coming from that fact of a hurt person. Right,

241
00:13:12.279 --> 00:13:15.039
So a hurt person is going to hurt people, Okay,

242
00:13:15.240 --> 00:13:17.679
and when you get involved with a hurt person, they

243
00:13:17.720 --> 00:13:19.919
will hurt you. I know that you might think that

244
00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:22.840
you're the special one, the chosen one, the special friend,

245
00:13:22.879 --> 00:13:25.840
the special relationship, the best person in their life. And

246
00:13:25.879 --> 00:13:29.000
that's also part of our you know, our codependency and

247
00:13:29.039 --> 00:13:31.519
our desire to make things work. But again I'm just

248
00:13:31.559 --> 00:13:34.600
saying I would love to assume that you're above it.

249
00:13:34.759 --> 00:13:37.879
But again, you know, their track record shows different that

250
00:13:38.039 --> 00:13:41.320
nobody's above the hurt quotient. They're going to hurt you

251
00:13:41.919 --> 00:13:45.159
until they take you down notches to make you feel bad,

252
00:13:45.559 --> 00:13:48.399
to get you where they feel like they're above you. Right,

253
00:13:48.480 --> 00:13:50.679
Because that's the type of person that you're dealing with

254
00:13:50.720 --> 00:13:54.120
when you're dealing with hurt people. I'm not not judging them.

255
00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:57.000
I'm just saying, you know what you get into when

256
00:13:57.039 --> 00:13:59.519
you are with a hurt person that has not gotten help,

257
00:13:59.840 --> 00:14:02.919
is not seeking therapy, is not in coaching, is not

258
00:14:03.080 --> 00:14:06.639
working on themselves, has nothing they consider themselves having nothing

259
00:14:06.720 --> 00:14:09.799
wrong with them. Okay, when you're with that type of

260
00:14:09.799 --> 00:14:12.600
a hurt person, you're with somebody that has absolutely nothing

261
00:14:12.639 --> 00:14:16.159
to lose. And a lot of times, in my own practice,

262
00:14:16.200 --> 00:14:17.879
in my work, a lot of times what I see

263
00:14:17.960 --> 00:14:19.919
is that that hurts a lot of my clients and

264
00:14:19.960 --> 00:14:22.519
we have to regain ourselves. We have to rebuild our

265
00:14:22.559 --> 00:14:26.039
identity throughout the process and figure out who we are

266
00:14:26.679 --> 00:14:29.360
in order to get over that relationship, because they've done

267
00:14:29.360 --> 00:14:31.960
a number on us and we have to overcome that

268
00:14:32.039 --> 00:14:34.639
abuse that we have have been through, and some of

269
00:14:34.679 --> 00:14:36.759
it is not just for a year, it's years at

270
00:14:36.759 --> 00:14:40.200
a time, and we have to rebuild ourselves. So I

271
00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:42.440
like to keep the tally of events just so I

272
00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:45.840
remember things as they happen instead of what they're told

273
00:14:45.919 --> 00:14:48.240
to me later on, because a lot of times people

274
00:14:48.240 --> 00:14:52.559
will change the way that things happen or they'll rewrite history. Okay,

275
00:14:52.840 --> 00:14:56.480
we see that a lot of times with regards to everything,

276
00:14:56.960 --> 00:15:00.639
the rewriting of history, and so in a relationship that

277
00:15:00.759 --> 00:15:03.279
happens too, right, So if you can do it on

278
00:15:03.320 --> 00:15:05.720
a big level, you can do it on a relationship

279
00:15:05.799 --> 00:15:09.679
level as well. So one of the really interesting examples

280
00:15:09.720 --> 00:15:13.919
of rewriting history that we do even as children, and

281
00:15:13.960 --> 00:15:16.279
I want to talk about this is many of you

282
00:15:16.399 --> 00:15:20.039
were born into a family dynamic where mom and dad

283
00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:24.240
honestly were just not good parents. Okay, some of them

284
00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:27.559
are very very poor parents as far as very neglectful,

285
00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:31.879
and I just you know, just really bad parenting. You know,

286
00:15:31.960 --> 00:15:35.919
they weren't there for you. They didn't take care of you.

287
00:15:35.919 --> 00:15:37.639
You know, you had to find for yourself. There were

288
00:15:37.679 --> 00:15:40.639
times where you know things, you know, maybe the electricity

289
00:15:40.720 --> 00:15:42.759
wasn't on, and it wasn't because they didn't have the money,

290
00:15:42.759 --> 00:15:44.960
they didn't care, they didn't get you the food you needed,

291
00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:46.879
or they didn't take care of you, or they were

292
00:15:46.919 --> 00:15:48.799
too busy, you know, going out to the clubs or

293
00:15:48.840 --> 00:15:51.480
drinking or doing drugs or whatever that was going on, okay,

294
00:15:51.759 --> 00:15:54.120
and they didn't take care of you. And so as

295
00:15:54.120 --> 00:15:58.240
a little kid, we can't we don't have the ability

296
00:15:58.279 --> 00:16:01.519
to process the fact that Hey, mom and dad are

297
00:16:01.519 --> 00:16:04.639
really neglectful. They're really bad parents, you know, And I

298
00:16:04.679 --> 00:16:08.720
really got born into a bad parent dynamic. Hm. I

299
00:16:08.759 --> 00:16:11.039
need to fend for myself, but I recognize the fact

300
00:16:11.080 --> 00:16:13.960
that these people shouldn't have had kids. No, we don't

301
00:16:14.000 --> 00:16:16.120
think about that when we're kids. We don't think about that, right,

302
00:16:16.200 --> 00:16:18.600
we don't sit there and analyze and judge. Hey, mom

303
00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:21.799
seems to be very self centered and probably very narcissistic.

304
00:16:22.200 --> 00:16:25.159
Dad seems to have sociopathic tendencies and doesn't listen to

305
00:16:25.200 --> 00:16:27.639
a word I say. I haven't heard that out of

306
00:16:27.679 --> 00:16:30.639
any three, four, five, six year old, right, Okay, But

307
00:16:30.840 --> 00:16:34.279
you know what we do is we rewrite the concept.

308
00:16:34.279 --> 00:16:36.960
We rewrite history. Instead, we turn it around on us

309
00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:40.399
and say we're a bad kid. I must be a

310
00:16:40.440 --> 00:16:44.559
bad child. Something's wrong with me, because otherwise mom or

311
00:16:44.639 --> 00:16:46.240
dad would be here for me. I must be a

312
00:16:46.279 --> 00:16:49.039
horrible child. Okay, I must be horrible and I need

313
00:16:49.080 --> 00:16:52.559
to prove my value to my parents. I must be

314
00:16:52.559 --> 00:16:55.600
able to prove my value because obviously I haven't stepped

315
00:16:55.639 --> 00:16:58.279
up to the plate. And that is the narrative that

316
00:16:58.440 --> 00:17:02.840
many of you have sold yourself in order to not

317
00:17:02.960 --> 00:17:06.000
hate your parents. Okay, like not be like down on

318
00:17:06.039 --> 00:17:08.920
your parents, you know, I mean, you sell yourself this

319
00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:12.920
bill of goods in order to continue to survive and

320
00:17:13.000 --> 00:17:16.200
the family dynamic. That's what you do, right. We do

321
00:17:16.319 --> 00:17:18.400
this all the time in our adult life. We do

322
00:17:18.480 --> 00:17:21.400
this all the time with the news and history in

323
00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:25.240
our relationships. We do this all the time, right, because

324
00:17:25.319 --> 00:17:27.680
it's easier to put the pain on us. Okay, this

325
00:17:27.759 --> 00:17:31.240
has to be my fault, my problem, my issue, because

326
00:17:31.279 --> 00:17:34.279
that way I feel like I'm kind of in control. Right.

327
00:17:35.319 --> 00:17:37.359
I put it on me because that's the only power

328
00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:40.079
I have is to make changes within my life. And

329
00:17:40.119 --> 00:17:42.240
then many of you do. What I like to say

330
00:17:42.359 --> 00:17:44.400
is like the all star move. As far as you

331
00:17:44.440 --> 00:17:46.680
become everything you try to. You try to be the

332
00:17:46.720 --> 00:17:48.680
top in your class. You try to be the best

333
00:17:48.680 --> 00:17:50.480
sports if you're if you're a boy, you try to

334
00:17:50.480 --> 00:17:52.920
be the best, best kid in sports. So you try

335
00:17:52.920 --> 00:17:54.720
to be the best in band, or you try to

336
00:17:54.920 --> 00:17:56.480
as a girl, you try to be this or that

337
00:17:56.640 --> 00:17:59.240
or whatever it is. And you're trying to prove your

338
00:17:59.319 --> 00:18:02.359
value all the time. I'm in school in sports, you know,

339
00:18:03.240 --> 00:18:05.720
trying to prove your parents what you do, doing things

340
00:18:05.759 --> 00:18:08.559
around the house, that sort of thing. And sometimes you

341
00:18:08.599 --> 00:18:11.240
get kudos and what have you, and sometimes you don't.

342
00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:13.960
And you keep just trying to get their attention. And

343
00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:15.640
the more you do, the more you think you're going

344
00:18:15.720 --> 00:18:19.519
to get their attention, the harder you work. And in

345
00:18:19.559 --> 00:18:23.039
this process of working harder, you're not working to take

346
00:18:23.440 --> 00:18:25.160
because these are the things you want to do. You're

347
00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:27.839
doing this because you want to impress them. You're trying

348
00:18:27.839 --> 00:18:31.400
to get their attention. Okay, and you've already you know,

349
00:18:31.400 --> 00:18:34.200
you've already changed the narrative where you know you're the problem,

350
00:18:34.279 --> 00:18:36.720
You're the issue, You're the problem child. It's not their problem.

351
00:18:36.799 --> 00:18:38.960
So remember you keep doing more and more and more

352
00:18:39.000 --> 00:18:41.680
thinking that again, you're the problem. And this happens in

353
00:18:41.720 --> 00:18:45.480
our adult relationships when somebody when you're in a relationship

354
00:18:45.480 --> 00:18:49.559
with someone who's manipulating you or lying to you, and

355
00:18:49.640 --> 00:18:51.599
you might actually know it, you can feel it, you

356
00:18:51.640 --> 00:18:53.440
can watch it. You know it. You know that they're

357
00:18:53.480 --> 00:18:57.039
lying to you, you know that they're manipulating you, you

358
00:18:57.119 --> 00:18:59.559
know that they're playing a game on you. You know

359
00:18:59.640 --> 00:19:03.160
what they're trying to do. And some of you don't

360
00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:04.559
want to deal with it. I mean, some of you

361
00:19:04.759 --> 00:19:07.400
just can't deal with it. It's so painful to know that

362
00:19:07.440 --> 00:19:10.440
this person is doing this on purpose that you keep

363
00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:14.599
denying that this is happening, okay, or you keep changing

364
00:19:14.640 --> 00:19:17.599
the narrative to give them the benefit of the doubt. Well,

365
00:19:17.640 --> 00:19:20.920
you know they had a bad childhood, you know, and

366
00:19:22.119 --> 00:19:24.920
or I think they were you know, physically abused, which

367
00:19:25.039 --> 00:19:28.960
I'm not discrediting. I'm just saying, we give all these outs.

368
00:19:29.039 --> 00:19:31.559
Oh they well, this happened to them, This happened to them,

369
00:19:31.599 --> 00:19:34.440
This happened to them, right, So that's why they act

370
00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:37.519
that way. But if I keep giving them more attention

371
00:19:37.680 --> 00:19:40.720
and being there for them, they'll see my value. Now

372
00:19:40.720 --> 00:19:43.119
we don't actually consciously think that we just if I

373
00:19:43.279 --> 00:19:46.319
just give more, if I'm just there for them more,

374
00:19:46.359 --> 00:19:48.680
if I'm just the listening ear more, if I just

375
00:19:48.920 --> 00:19:51.119
hold them up more, if I just if I just

376
00:19:51.160 --> 00:19:53.680
you know, give them this and do this more, you

377
00:19:53.680 --> 00:19:56.960
know they'll be better, you know. I and I find

378
00:19:57.000 --> 00:20:00.000
that interesting because that happens with a lot of people.

379
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.240
People that fall into this trap is that you're telling

380
00:20:03.279 --> 00:20:06.599
yourself you're you're giving them an out for their actions,

381
00:20:07.119 --> 00:20:10.119
their manipulation. They're lying their gas line. So you're giving

382
00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:12.759
them an out, and then you're putting all the cargo

383
00:20:12.880 --> 00:20:16.079
on your back to carry all this luggage and baggage

384
00:20:16.839 --> 00:20:19.240
because you know it's got to be you. It's all

385
00:20:19.279 --> 00:20:21.559
gonna fall on you. You have to take care of it,

386
00:20:21.599 --> 00:20:25.720
you know, because that's what you've always done. And so

387
00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:29.400
there's part of it where the narrative is interesting because

388
00:20:29.920 --> 00:20:32.000
you've given them an out. The other part of it

389
00:20:32.039 --> 00:20:34.599
is that you're kind of also taking It's almost like

390
00:20:34.640 --> 00:20:36.480
you're seeing them as like this child or this like

391
00:20:36.519 --> 00:20:39.319
wounded little kid, and so they're allowed to get away

392
00:20:39.319 --> 00:20:42.480
with it, with whatever. You're also kind of taking the

393
00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:45.319
power away from them in a way, because this is

394
00:20:45.359 --> 00:20:48.160
their own karma, this is their own direction. They can

395
00:20:48.200 --> 00:20:50.720
do whatever they want. We can't change anybody. If they

396
00:20:50.720 --> 00:20:52.599
want to go crazy and do what they do, that's

397
00:20:52.640 --> 00:20:56.359
what they do. You can try to calm them down,

398
00:20:56.480 --> 00:20:58.599
you can try to reason with them, but in the end,

399
00:20:58.680 --> 00:21:01.359
they are another human. They have rights to do what

400
00:21:01.359 --> 00:21:03.599
they want to, just like anybody else. Not to hurt anybody,

401
00:21:04.000 --> 00:21:06.519
not to you know, but they have rights to do

402
00:21:06.559 --> 00:21:09.079
what they want to do, and so you trying to

403
00:21:09.160 --> 00:21:13.480
help them, they end up seeing that as control. Okay,

404
00:21:13.559 --> 00:21:16.920
So then they create their narrative because they are so

405
00:21:17.079 --> 00:21:19.920
out of control, right, they create their narrative that they're

406
00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:23.799
fine and that you're just a controlling, manipulating person. And

407
00:21:23.839 --> 00:21:25.359
then that's a lot of times where you know, the

408
00:21:25.440 --> 00:21:28.680
names will fail out, the narcissist names and everything, because

409
00:21:29.000 --> 00:21:32.319
they're fighting you. Because they're fighting you, and the more

410
00:21:32.359 --> 00:21:35.200
they fight you, and the more that they put things

411
00:21:35.240 --> 00:21:38.839
on you, the more defensive you become. The more defensive

412
00:21:38.920 --> 00:21:43.160
you become. Right, the less that you keep bringing up

413
00:21:43.200 --> 00:21:46.359
their issues, they're the stuff that they have to deal with,

414
00:21:46.799 --> 00:21:49.000
the easier it is for them to continue to do

415
00:21:49.039 --> 00:21:51.799
what they do if you're not calling it out and

416
00:21:51.839 --> 00:21:53.880
they're getting away with it. Remember this, it's like a

417
00:21:53.960 --> 00:21:58.039
kid having a tantrum. Right, If you keep enabling them,

418
00:21:58.039 --> 00:22:02.319
which is what you're doing, you're enabling them. If you

419
00:22:02.400 --> 00:22:04.480
keep enabling them, why do they have to change? They

420
00:22:04.519 --> 00:22:06.799
only have to change if you don't accept it anymore,

421
00:22:07.599 --> 00:22:09.119
you know. And it was interesting. I was talking to

422
00:22:09.160 --> 00:22:11.920
a client the other day and I would say that

423
00:22:11.960 --> 00:22:14.519
I've heard this probably a thousand times, and I hate

424
00:22:14.519 --> 00:22:17.400
to say that, but with the parent dynamic, it's like,

425
00:22:17.440 --> 00:22:20.119
you know, they were trying to impress mom or dad,

426
00:22:20.160 --> 00:22:22.599
and you know, and in these situations usually there's you know,

427
00:22:23.119 --> 00:22:27.319
multiple kids involved, and usually my client was not the favorite,

428
00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:30.559
but there was a favorite, and you know, trying to

429
00:22:30.640 --> 00:22:33.400
go against that is very challenging. Trying to prove your

430
00:22:33.480 --> 00:22:36.119
value is very challenging. And I think that in those

431
00:22:36.160 --> 00:22:39.039
situations where there is a favorite, you know, the non

432
00:22:39.119 --> 00:22:41.799
favorite never really wins, you know, I mean, it's not

433
00:22:42.440 --> 00:22:44.319
you know, there's no winning in this. This is just

434
00:22:44.559 --> 00:22:46.559
this is you know, a parent that it has a

435
00:22:46.599 --> 00:22:51.160
deficiency that is probably closer to one of the siblings

436
00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:54.680
more because that sibling, you know, kisses their ass or

437
00:22:54.680 --> 00:22:57.440
does what they want to do. And I find that

438
00:22:57.480 --> 00:22:59.960
interesting because when you can't win over that mother or father,

439
00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:03.519
their dynamic in the relationships that you have after that,

440
00:23:03.920 --> 00:23:07.039
you're constantly still trying to win them over. And what

441
00:23:07.079 --> 00:23:09.319
I mean by winning them over is I mean you're

442
00:23:09.319 --> 00:23:13.559
trying to get their acceptance and approval. That's what it is.

443
00:23:15.240 --> 00:23:19.279
So if you find yourself in these toxic dynamics and

444
00:23:19.359 --> 00:23:24.599
you continue to hang out and spend time with raging narcissists, right,

445
00:23:25.200 --> 00:23:27.599
that's going through this process and not just narcissism. We

446
00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:29.839
don't We don't need to just say narcissm. Anytime that

447
00:23:29.880 --> 00:23:35.960
somebody has uh, somebody's manipulative, controlling line, somebody that has

448
00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:39.519
psychosis to the degree that they are manipulating controlling you

449
00:23:39.599 --> 00:23:42.680
line to you. Someone that's not coming from a place

450
00:23:42.839 --> 00:23:47.319
of honesty and authentic you know self, that's a problem.

451
00:23:47.400 --> 00:23:49.200
So we don't have to label it as narcissism. We

452
00:23:49.319 --> 00:23:51.920
just we just realize that this is not the same vibration,

453
00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:54.720
This is not the same level of relationship that you

454
00:23:54.759 --> 00:23:57.559
probably need in your life. This isn't aiding and embedding

455
00:23:57.599 --> 00:24:00.519
in you. It's only just taking away from you. And

456
00:24:00.599 --> 00:24:03.920
so we have to really look at this relationship and

457
00:24:03.920 --> 00:24:07.119
how somebody is manipulating or lying to us. We have

458
00:24:07.200 --> 00:24:09.240
to kind of see that and begin to write that down.

459
00:24:09.279 --> 00:24:11.079
And I like to keep a tally of it, and

460
00:24:11.119 --> 00:24:13.680
whether they are gas lighting or lying to convince you

461
00:24:13.720 --> 00:24:18.599
of something, or are you choosing to lie to yourself or

462
00:24:18.680 --> 00:24:22.200
to overlook things? Okay, because this is a two way street.

463
00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:25.440
It takes two to tango, right. Even if somebody is

464
00:24:25.519 --> 00:24:29.960
lying and gaslighting me and manipulating me, I can choose

465
00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:32.440
to see that for what it is and say, hey,

466
00:24:32.480 --> 00:24:34.400
I'm not gonna accept this anymore. And eventually, if you're

467
00:24:34.400 --> 00:24:37.039
not gonna change your behavior, I'm kind of OUTI you know,

468
00:24:37.880 --> 00:24:39.680
but it takes two to tango for the other person

469
00:24:39.799 --> 00:24:42.720
to you know, be nice the next day and sugarcoat

470
00:24:42.759 --> 00:24:44.559
it over and then do it all over again, and

471
00:24:44.559 --> 00:24:47.119
then you act like it doesn't exist, or you can

472
00:24:47.160 --> 00:24:49.319
call it out and keep certain with that and and

473
00:24:49.480 --> 00:24:52.279
be honest with yourself and ask is this a little

474
00:24:52.279 --> 00:24:55.000
bit of a trickle down effect? Which I believe it

475
00:24:55.039 --> 00:24:57.799
is from childhood, because I don't think this person would

476
00:24:57.839 --> 00:25:01.119
have that much of a hold on you if this

477
00:25:01.200 --> 00:25:04.960
isn't just a perfect puzzle piece for how you were raised.

478
00:25:06.960 --> 00:25:09.880
And so, you know, when we're dealing with somebody that's

479
00:25:09.960 --> 00:25:14.079
compulsively lying or gaslighting us or manipulating us to feel

480
00:25:14.160 --> 00:25:18.039
or act a certain way, we really just have to

481
00:25:18.079 --> 00:25:22.920
be honest with ourselves because if this is really happening,

482
00:25:23.039 --> 00:25:27.880
which for most of you, it is really happening, okay, uh,

483
00:25:28.039 --> 00:25:31.720
and stop trying to tell yourself that it's not. I mean,

484
00:25:31.759 --> 00:25:33.920
And I think sometimes when you just write it down

485
00:25:34.039 --> 00:25:35.839
and you put the dates and times, and you write

486
00:25:35.839 --> 00:25:39.240
things down and you start seeing it for yourself. Okay,

487
00:25:39.279 --> 00:25:41.920
this is how we do lot. This is logic, you know.

488
00:25:41.960 --> 00:25:44.720
And we have these different you know, pieces of evidence

489
00:25:44.759 --> 00:25:47.440
and information. We have these you know, these you know,

490
00:25:47.480 --> 00:25:50.599
the these kind of like data points here, and then

491
00:25:50.640 --> 00:25:52.720
we kind of look at all these data points and

492
00:25:52.759 --> 00:25:56.400
we realize you can't overlook all these data points. But see,

493
00:25:56.440 --> 00:25:59.480
the brain wants us to because the brain is used

494
00:25:59.480 --> 00:26:02.000
to this path or a behavior. We do these things

495
00:26:02.039 --> 00:26:03.880
for other people even though we might not want to.

496
00:26:04.000 --> 00:26:06.359
We do these things to prove, to try to get value,

497
00:26:06.400 --> 00:26:09.279
to probably prove our value, to try to get acceptance

498
00:26:09.279 --> 00:26:11.960
and approval. It doesn't work. We keep doing it, and

499
00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:14.880
we keep going to the wrong people to get it.

500
00:26:16.359 --> 00:26:21.160
We keep remember this, We keep going to the wrong

501
00:26:21.240 --> 00:26:26.240
people to get the acceptance and approval over and over

502
00:26:26.279 --> 00:26:29.359
and over again. You have to break that cycle. So

503
00:26:29.400 --> 00:26:32.720
the longer you stay in a manipulative situation, I mean

504
00:26:32.759 --> 00:26:34.680
you might say, oh, it's the money, or it's this,

505
00:26:34.920 --> 00:26:37.319
or it's that, or we have a property together, or

506
00:26:37.319 --> 00:26:39.960
we have this, or we have a dog together, or

507
00:26:39.960 --> 00:26:42.359
we have a child together. You can still raise that

508
00:26:42.480 --> 00:26:45.039
child and co parent. It's gonna be tough. It's gonna

509
00:26:45.039 --> 00:26:46.839
be tough. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. It's

510
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:49.880
already tough living with them, right, but you could do it.

511
00:26:50.480 --> 00:26:53.039
But there's some point where you say, what is right

512
00:26:53.119 --> 00:26:55.599
for me and what do I deserve in my life?

513
00:26:55.799 --> 00:26:57.359
Is just what I deserve? And you have to ask

514
00:26:57.400 --> 00:27:00.519
yourself that question too, because some people like pain or

515
00:27:00.559 --> 00:27:05.119
have accepted pain as a choice in the relationship, and

516
00:27:05.200 --> 00:27:08.359
so really uncovering these things are very important because remember,

517
00:27:08.359 --> 00:27:11.880
the brain likes to change the narrative to keep you

518
00:27:12.119 --> 00:27:15.720
in the loop. You know, the longer you're in the loop,

519
00:27:15.839 --> 00:27:21.519
you don't change. The universe doesn't have to change for you, right,

520
00:27:22.279 --> 00:27:24.839
so then nothing has to be done. It's status quo.

521
00:27:25.079 --> 00:27:28.279
Things go on as usual. And so that's why I

522
00:27:28.319 --> 00:27:33.720
want you to really start taking initiative in your relationships

523
00:27:34.359 --> 00:27:39.160
to really recognize what is truly happening, what people are

524
00:27:39.279 --> 00:27:43.559
honestly doing around you, what they're constantly doing around you,

525
00:27:43.880 --> 00:27:49.240
watching their patterns, their choices of actions, their lives, their deceits.

526
00:27:49.279 --> 00:27:51.880
I want you to take itallya that writing this down,

527
00:27:52.079 --> 00:27:56.000
dating it, timing it in a journal, keeping it very private,

528
00:27:56.720 --> 00:27:59.799
so that you can start looking and seeing what's happening

529
00:27:59.799 --> 00:28:02.200
here because all these data points are going to make

530
00:28:02.240 --> 00:28:04.839
your mind go Okay, do I want to keep going in?

531
00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:07.039
Do I want to keep lying on myself? Or am

532
00:28:07.039 --> 00:28:10.039
I ready to accept the reality here and to accept

533
00:28:10.039 --> 00:28:12.319
the reality that I've been in this relationship. It's not

534
00:28:12.359 --> 00:28:15.799
because of my doing. It's not because I'm a bad person.

535
00:28:15.839 --> 00:28:19.599
I'm a good person that got trained into this process

536
00:28:20.279 --> 00:28:24.160
at an early age. I was trained in this process.

537
00:28:24.160 --> 00:28:27.119
So I have to give myself some grace, and I

538
00:28:27.160 --> 00:28:29.279
want you to really think about that, giving yourself some grace.

539
00:28:29.319 --> 00:28:31.799
I hope that this podcast has helped you. Please share

540
00:28:31.839 --> 00:28:34.279
it with anybody that needs to hear this message. Please,

541
00:28:35.359 --> 00:28:37.319
you know, I'm trying to get the word out. You know,

542
00:28:37.440 --> 00:28:39.559
don't do any advertising. I just want to get the

543
00:28:39.599 --> 00:28:43.079
word out so that people can learn and grow as

544
00:28:43.160 --> 00:28:46.680
much as they possibly can, so that they can be happy,

545
00:28:47.400 --> 00:28:51.200
so that they can be you know, positive, and grow

546
00:28:51.279 --> 00:28:54.200
in their life in the right way, and to end

547
00:28:54.240 --> 00:28:58.240
these patterns once and for all. By ending these patterns,

548
00:28:58.680 --> 00:29:03.119
our lives changed in such an amazing way. And so

549
00:29:03.240 --> 00:29:05.720
please share this if you ever already check out my

550
00:29:05.759 --> 00:29:09.359
website Ashley Burgers dot com Ashleyburgs dot com. You can

551
00:29:09.400 --> 00:29:12.519
set up a session right there online thirty sixty or

552
00:29:12.559 --> 00:29:17.359
ninety minute sessions. Also, don't forget the YouTube channel. At

553
00:29:17.400 --> 00:29:19.640
least twice a week we put up new video content.

554
00:29:20.279 --> 00:29:23.200
You go to YouTube put in life Coach Ashley Burgess,

555
00:29:23.480 --> 00:29:26.359
you'll find a channel. Please subscribe if you haven't already.

556
00:29:26.359 --> 00:29:29.319
We were almost hit two hundred thousand subscribers. And again,

557
00:29:30.559 --> 00:29:33.480
remember it was not your fault, but we do have

558
00:29:33.559 --> 00:29:35.839
to turn the ship around and guess what, you're the

559
00:29:35.920 --> 00:29:40.599
captain of the ship. Don't miss next week's show, The

560
00:29:40.680 --> 00:29:43.440
Ashley Burgess Show. You know I'll be back this time.

561
00:29:43.559 --> 00:29:45.359
I'll be back this time. You know it. I'll be

562
00:29:45.400 --> 00:29:53.000
back this time. In three shakes,