April 8, 2026

Do They Want Help or Just an Audience for their Drama and Chaos? [Ep: 811]

Do They Want Help or Just an Audience for their Drama and Chaos? [Ep: 811]
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Have you ever felt like you’re constantly cleaning up someone else’s mess, but nothing ever changes? In this episode of the Ashley Berges Podcast, I ask: Do the people in your lives really want help, or are they just putting on a show and dragging us into it? I'm breaking down the key indications that someone isn’t ready to change, from blaming others and refusing accountability to projecting their insecurities. I also go into deep explanation on how enabling others keep us stuck and why setting boundaries is essential to protect our energy and our self-worth. These relationships don’t just affect the person stuck in the chaos; they also take a toll on the people around them. As friends or family members, we often spend countless hours trying to fix, advise, or rescue someone, losing sight of our own needs and priorities. The stress, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion can quietly reshape your life, your relationships, and even your well-being. If you’ve poured your time and love into someone trapped in chaos, this episode will give you clarity and help you stop enabling. If you are currently in a relationship where you are dealing with chaos and drama on a daily basis you can't miss this podcast it will help you!




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WEBVTT

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You're in a good place now you are listening to

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Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Hi, and welcome back to the

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Ashley Burgess podcast Okay and today's show.

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I want to.

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Pose the question, do they actually want help or do

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they want an audience for their chaos. Many of us

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have a relative, a spouse, or a friend who needs help.

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They need therapy, counseling, coaching, They need to go that

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extra mile to work on themselves. And you've probably done

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a lot of the work in the background, but things

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seem to not work out. In today's podcast, I want

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to cover the six main ways to know when someone

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doesn't really want help, when they just really want you

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to be a part of their twenty four hour day,

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seven day a week chaos and take.

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You down with them.

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This is important to recognize because many of us can

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work really hard and actually become an enabler if we're

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not aware of what's going on. So let's begin with

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how do you know when someone really doesn't want help?

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The first indication is that they say they will work

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with a therapist or a coach, but they don't follow through.

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And so many of you may have checked online, gone

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onto YouTube looking for people you've actually reached out to

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the office. Maybe you've gone online and contacted them, even

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got the phone numbers for your significant other or for

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your friend or family member, and nothing happens.

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Maybe you've even.

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Gone far enough as to set up the appointment, give

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them the information be there so that they can get

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on the chat with the therapist online doesn't happen. Maybe

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you've gotten them all the way into the session and

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they do the session, but they're not taking any responsibility,

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or they're not talking about their situation. They're trying to

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blame other people. Maybe you've actually gotten them to go

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to several therapy sessions and things were actually working out,

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and the therapist was actually aware of what's happening. They

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weren't clueless, so they actually give them really good information

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and knowledge. But then soon they decided that that therapist

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wasn't good, they weren't right. They don't want to deal

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with that person. That person doesn't have the information or

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the knowledge, or I don't like them interesting. And one

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of the things that I find with people who don't

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want help is that they're not going to get help

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the concept of getting help. They don't want to deal with.

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They don't want to actually follow through. They don't want

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to find someone on their own, and the easiest thing

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to keep you at bay is to keep saying, oh, yes,

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I'm looking for someone. I'm looking for someone, but they

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often never find anyone to work with. The next awareness

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piece is that they blame others for their problems. So

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instead of seeing the role that they play in the

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issues in their life, they blame everybody else, whether it's

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blaming you, a sibling, an outside friend, another family member,

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whoever it might be, they blame that person for all

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of their problems. I wouldn't have these problems if it

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wasn't for them. I wouldn't have these problems if it.

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Wasn't for you.

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And so they switched the blame up, making you the

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problem person, or someone else outside of the marriage or

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outside of the family the problem person, so that they

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can always use that person or you as the scapegoat

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in their life. If it wasn't for this person, I

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would have this, this, and that. If it wasn't for

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that person in our life, I would be employed, or

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I would be a different person. It's that person's problem,

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it's that person's issues.

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They're the reason for.

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The downfall of my life, and it's easy to blame

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someone else for your problems. It's easy to blame a

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situation for your problems. Many people blame a situation that

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took place in their life a long time ago, and

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because of the situation, I.

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Have these problems.

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And I can speak from my perspective being a coach

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and working with clients.

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All over the world. We all have our problems.

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We've all dealt with things in our life that didn't

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help us, that pushed us back, that hurt us, that

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mentally and emotionally scarred us. But we have to overcome that.

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We have to overcome that so we can be the

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person we are today.

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Now.

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It's interesting that these people, if they don't want help,

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will blame the situation, blame the circumstance, blame financials, blame drugs, alcohol,

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and once they're done blaming things, then they move on

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to people because that's easier to blame because you can

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actually blame a person, and then you switch people that

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you blame. And when people leave their life and they

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can no longer blame that particular person, they will find

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someone else to blame who's currently in their life because

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they'll keep on moving.

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Okay, and that's always an.

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Interesting dynamic too, is that I have clients that work

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with me and their significant other is blaming every somebody

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else for their problems, their issues, their inability to do xyz.

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But when that person is the outside source of blame

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goes away, guess what they find someone else. So even

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if you eliminate all your friends, there will be somebody

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that your spouse or significant.

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Other family member will blame for their problem.

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And it'll be somebody that you probably know, or somebody

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that they're connected to you or a family member of.

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And so that's one of the biggest keys is that

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I've realized that until we're ready to stop blaming, we're

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not taking responsibility. Another aspect is that there is no

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accountability and they don't take responsibility for their actions and choices. Okay,

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if you don't have accountability and you don't take responsibility,

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you are not.

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Adulting. You are not a healthy adult.

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You are still a child and an adult body that

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has decided to take no responsibility, to take no accountability,

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and to put it on everyone else. The problem with

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this is crazy actions onhealthy choices, reactions that they think

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of nothing that's gonna happen. They don't think about consequences.

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Consequences are no longer a part of anything, Like there

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is no consequences in their mind that something could come

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you know, something could come back after a situation, they'll

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do things and they don't think about that.

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That's not even part of their thought process.

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And so, for example, if you get angrier or if

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you pose a question about them, when are you gonna

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get off the couts, When are you gonna go get

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a job, When are you gonna get counseling, When are

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you going to get therapy? When are you gonna right

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these wrongs? When are you gonna take care of your

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alcohol addiction or whatever that is. They will respond back,

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usually not very in kind, very argumentative, fighting, maybe escalating

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the fight, escalating the fight, escalating the fight because they're

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wanting to shut you up, and an effort to shut

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you up, they will get angry, they can get violent,

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and this is very scary. Sometimes if you're married to

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this person, or you're in a family dynamic with this

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person where you live under the same roof with this person,

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you're constantly doing damage control, and so you might be

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dealing with all kinds of people outside of the relationship,

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you know, whether whatever it happens to be, maybe it's

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other family members. Maybe you live in a community around

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other people who are calling the police and saying, hey,

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they were screaming and yelling and all this stuff's going on,

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and so you have security issues. So they are all

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these things that happen, and so what happens though, as

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you know, if you're in the situation, they're not taking responsibility,

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they're not stopping their actions. And when you bring it up,

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they say, you're the reason why I did that. If

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you hadn't said that, I wouldn't have done that. You're

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the reason why I reacted that way. So again putting

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the blame back on you. Fourth, they project their insecurities

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and mental issues upon you and tell you that you

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are the problem. Okay, projection, Okay. When somebody has issues,

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problems they don't want to deal with, they don't want

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to take responsibility, they will project it onto the other person.

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They will project it. Look at you, you have a problem,

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Look at you? Are you okay?

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Oh my gosh, are you are right? Do you need

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to see a therapist? I think I think something's wrong

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with you. Do you go out looking like that. I mean,

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because I mean, are you made fun of or what

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I mean? I just don't want you going out, you know,

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in public being made fun of. I mean, because you're

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sure gonna be made fun of, like looking like that

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or acting like that, you know. And so you become

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the problem. You become the person that can't do anything right.

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You become the person that keeps doing everything wrong. You're

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the person that can't get things right. Even though you've

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gotten these things right your whole life, Apparently these aren't right.

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Everything you do is wrong, everything you say is wrong,

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everything you wear is wrong. The way you chew is wrong,

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the way you eat whatever cereal is wrong. You are wrong,

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and they will project and project and project their problems

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their issues upon you. And what they're doing is they're

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just degrading you. Over a period of time, they keep

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degrading you and degrading you and degrading you because they

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have these issues and subconsciously they do know that, and

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to a degree consciously they do as well. But they

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know that you're going to leave them or not be

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there for them. If you realize your value, God forbid,

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you realize your value and say why am I in

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this horrible relationship with someone that will not get help,

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or why am I living in this situation? Or I

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might be a family member, I might be a sister

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or brother, but why aren't I not getting this person help?

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I might be a parent, why aren't.

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I not getting this person checked in to get some

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help and some therapy or you know, or you know,

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some actual medical attention or constant coach to work with

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them to really recognize their issues and be able to

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be more mindful. Okay, And so we end up realizing

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as they continue to project and you start getting yourself

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beaten down. Over a period of time, you begin to

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see this projection because at the beginning, you're not seeing

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it at the beginning. A lot of times when you're

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in these relationships, unfortunately, you are enabling them because you

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wouldn't have been in this relationship. There has to be

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a time where enabling started, Okay, where you saw the issues,

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you saw the problems, you chose to over look the problems.

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You chose to overlook the issues, you chose to overlook

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the need for help, and you believe I can do

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this on my own. I can help them wake up,

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I can help them figure out their life. I can

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get therapy for them, because they're gonna listen to me.

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They're gonna figure it out. Maybe just a little bit

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more love and support, and they'll come around. They'll come around.

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This is gonna be fine, it's gonna be easy. This

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is not a big deal. You know, this will all

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work out. And I get it, and that there's a

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time for that. Everybody has to go through that time.

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Everybody has to go through that experience of try and

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try and try and try and try, and then failing, failing, failing, failing, failing,

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And the only thing that's the same is that person

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has all the same amount of energy to fight you still,

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and now you feel almost avoid of all the energy

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that you've lost trying to get this person help. The

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next is interesting because they will find flying monkeys and

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enablers to agree with them. I'm serious. And you might say, well,

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where are they finding these people? You know, they don't

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have a lot of friends, they don't really have any friends.

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Where are they finding these people? Well, okay, social media

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is perfect. Putting something on social media on Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook.

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Oh you know I hate my life or my.

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You know, my spouse is so mean it's so judgment

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some narcissistic. Oh, they're such a narcissist. Oh my god,

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this is horrible. Calling people up that maybe they don't

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know that well and telling them a story. The narrative, right,

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the narrative of their narrative, and getting these fine monkeys around.

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Oh are you okay?

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Are you fine?

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Oh?

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I feel so bad for you. What's going on? Oh

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they must be abusive. Oh, they're horrible.

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And so they find people no matter how close they

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are or how not close they are. They maybe they've

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never met each other and they were like Facebook messaging

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back and forth, and now they're friends, never met each

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other and never see each other, probably don't even know

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who they're really talking to you on the phone, but

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now they're talking about all kinds of things, and this

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person is like literally giving them the fuel to continue

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this narrative. And this is real, Okay. So the more

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people they can get to believe the narrative, the more

241
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that the narrative holds water. So the more that they

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get people to believe the narrative, the more they believe

243
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the narrative because they've conned all these people into believing it.

244
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So it has to be real, and so therefore the

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narrative's real. Now you have all these flying monkeys around now. Also,

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we have to be careful because at one point in time,

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usually if you've been in a relationship with somebody this

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over a period of time, you are an enabler.

249
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You were an enabler.

250
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Maybe you are looking and watching this podcast and listening

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to this podcast or like, oh my god, I've been

252
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enabling this behavior, and like I'll give you an example

253
00:12:50.320 --> 00:12:53.759
of enabling. Let's say that they go crazy, get drunk,

254
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you know, break things in the house, pass out, and

255
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you're over there instead of just letting them deal with

256
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their own stuff.

257
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The next day, you're over.

258
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There cleaning up the kitchen, cleaning up the floors, trying

259
00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:05.799
to clean up all the glass or whatever's broken, doing

260
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all these things. Maybe the next days, you know, having

261
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breakfast and acting like it never happened.

262
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Enabler.

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Enabler, I can put like red flags all over that

264
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you're literally enabling somebody to continue the behavior because there

265
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is no responsibility, there is no accountability because.

266
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You're gonna take care of it in the end. And

267
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I know you say, okay, well what do I do?

268
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Then what you do is you let them stew in

269
00:13:30.120 --> 00:13:33.639
their own crap, and so they pull some crap that

270
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they do probably often, and instead of being the cleaner

271
00:13:37.399 --> 00:13:40.840
and the cleanup crew and the niem on one, you

272
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over there and you're you're coddling them, you're taking care

273
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of things. Stop that, step back, start looking at what

274
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you're doing. You're literally doing everything for someone and you're

275
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actually hurting them. You're not allowing them to take responsibility.

276
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You're not allowing them to even see the truth of

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what their life has become. Because if you were to

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00:14:02.879 --> 00:14:08.559
walk out tomorrow and leave them in this state, within

279
00:14:08.600 --> 00:14:10.679
a few within a few days, if they don't have

280
00:14:10.679 --> 00:14:12.679
anybody else to take care of them, they will be

281
00:14:12.720 --> 00:14:15.000
walking the streets and in a few days, in a

282
00:14:15.000 --> 00:14:16.840
few weeks, in a few months, and a few years,

283
00:14:16.960 --> 00:14:19.120
they will be unable to take care of themselves because

284
00:14:19.120 --> 00:14:22.399
they cannot take care of themselves. Now you are enabling them.

285
00:14:22.799 --> 00:14:28.440
All this enablement makes somebody even worse. And the problem

286
00:14:28.480 --> 00:14:31.679
with the enablement is when does it stop? But also

287
00:14:31.840 --> 00:14:35.240
they hate you for it, even though they bully you

288
00:14:35.279 --> 00:14:37.320
and bully you and push you down and push your

289
00:14:37.320 --> 00:14:40.039
boundaries and push your boundaries. The more you allow that

290
00:14:40.120 --> 00:14:43.039
to be the more they cannot respect you because you

291
00:14:43.080 --> 00:14:46.799
have become an absolute doormat. When you become the doormat,

292
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they don't listen to anything you have to say, because

293
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what does it matter what you have to say. You're

294
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gonna do anything anyway for them. You're gonna back down anyway.

295
00:14:58.639 --> 00:15:02.159
They've watched you back down over and over and over again.

296
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And they know that if they push that button, if

297
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they say that that situation, if they bring up a

298
00:15:08.399 --> 00:15:10.720
situation for the press, if they bring up somebody, if

299
00:15:10.720 --> 00:15:13.919
they bring up anything that it's gonna upset you. It's

300
00:15:13.960 --> 00:15:16.720
gonna anger you. It's gonna make you get angry. And

301
00:15:16.720 --> 00:15:19.919
then if you get angry or you yell, or you

302
00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:24.159
do whatever. See, you're horrible, you're abusive, you're a bad person.

303
00:15:24.279 --> 00:15:26.360
You're the reason why I am the way I am.

304
00:15:27.600 --> 00:15:30.399
And this is how they work and this is their

305
00:15:30.720 --> 00:15:35.360
m oh and so if you're in this situation, please

306
00:15:35.440 --> 00:15:38.200
listen up, because this is really the only way you

307
00:15:38.279 --> 00:15:39.759
have to think about it this way, and you have

308
00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:42.240
to see the truth. When you're enabling them, you get

309
00:15:42.320 --> 00:15:45.000
stuck in. They're chaos, and it's almost like.

310
00:15:44.919 --> 00:15:45.600
They love it.

311
00:15:45.639 --> 00:15:48.799
They have made your life twenty four to seven chaos.

312
00:15:49.000 --> 00:15:49.840
They're loving it.

313
00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:53.639
You are part of their show, their soap opera. You

314
00:15:53.799 --> 00:15:58.440
are a side piece cast for the soap opera and

315
00:15:58.480 --> 00:16:01.799
they're just running game. They're just the center of attention

316
00:16:02.320 --> 00:16:03.799
and you're over there cleaning up.

317
00:16:03.799 --> 00:16:06.519
You're the maid. You're the maid in the soap opera. Right.

318
00:16:06.519 --> 00:16:10.240
They're the main star, the main hit. The billboard is

319
00:16:10.279 --> 00:16:13.240
their face, and you're the housekeeper in the show. That's

320
00:16:13.240 --> 00:16:15.919
what you do. That's your deal. Seriously, I mean, you

321
00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:18.720
need to really honestly understand that when you were an

322
00:16:18.840 --> 00:16:24.200
enabler in someone else's life, you've become their unpaid housekeeper

323
00:16:25.799 --> 00:16:28.440
to clean up their stuff, to wipe their ass on

324
00:16:28.519 --> 00:16:32.000
a daily basis. And guess what they do. They turn

325
00:16:32.039 --> 00:16:34.639
around and beat you down for it. You don't get

326
00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:35.120
a metal of it.

327
00:16:35.200 --> 00:16:36.360
They don't. They're not nice to you.

328
00:16:36.519 --> 00:16:38.519
They actually know that they can continue to beat you down,

329
00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:40.840
even more so now that they know that you can get.

330
00:16:40.679 --> 00:16:41.559
Down to that level.

331
00:16:41.919 --> 00:16:44.399
Okay, now I'm gonna really take out their self esteem.

332
00:16:44.600 --> 00:16:47.320
Now I'm gonna really go after them. Okay, and there

333
00:16:47.360 --> 00:16:50.360
you are, still enabling, stealing abling. Maybe they'll come around,

334
00:16:50.440 --> 00:16:52.480
Maybe they'll be that person I wanted them to be.

335
00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:54.840
Maybe they'll be that person that I met in the

336
00:16:54.919 --> 00:16:59.759
very beginning of the relationship, which wasn't real, that beginning

337
00:17:00.039 --> 00:17:04.079
concept in the relationship that added to that, that personality

338
00:17:04.279 --> 00:17:05.039
was not real.

339
00:17:05.319 --> 00:17:07.160
It was generated.

340
00:17:08.160 --> 00:17:10.960
To be what they thought you wanted to have, and

341
00:17:11.000 --> 00:17:12.559
they were very good at it. They knew how to

342
00:17:12.599 --> 00:17:15.119
give you attention, how to love b on you, how

343
00:17:15.119 --> 00:17:18.200
to give you the right sex, love on you just right.

344
00:17:18.440 --> 00:17:20.160
Guess what? And then all of a sudden, Yeah, come

345
00:17:20.160 --> 00:17:21.960
move in with me, and guess what?

346
00:17:22.160 --> 00:17:26.000
A few months later, things changed, Things really changed, And

347
00:17:26.039 --> 00:17:28.599
if you got married, things changed a whole hell.

348
00:17:28.480 --> 00:17:31.480
Of a lot. And you're like, oh, what happened in

349
00:17:31.559 --> 00:17:32.720
those first six months?

350
00:17:33.480 --> 00:17:36.880
Those were really good? Those six months were great. What happened?

351
00:17:36.920 --> 00:17:40.000
I thought that was him? I thought that was her. No,

352
00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:43.039
it wasn't him or her. It was there six months.

353
00:17:43.279 --> 00:17:46.640
It was their character acting, their character acting right, their

354
00:17:46.759 --> 00:17:50.000
character acting. So you know, it's you know, it's like,

355
00:17:50.079 --> 00:17:51.880
you know, it's like, what do you have there? You

356
00:17:51.880 --> 00:17:56.519
had nothing, you had nothing, Central Casting, you had nothing,

357
00:17:56.559 --> 00:17:57.160
you had nothing.

358
00:17:57.319 --> 00:17:58.880
So what did you have? You had nothing?

359
00:17:59.000 --> 00:18:01.000
And the sad thing is this is that we enable

360
00:18:01.039 --> 00:18:03.920
them because we feel like they will come back around. Oh,

361
00:18:03.960 --> 00:18:06.039
if I just give them time, if I just do this,

362
00:18:06.200 --> 00:18:08.160
if I just love them more, if I just buy

363
00:18:08.200 --> 00:18:10.720
them more stuff, if I just take them to more trips,

364
00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:14.359
they'll get over it. They'll be better. Nope, doesn't happen.

365
00:18:15.440 --> 00:18:20.200
And another concept is they never want solution. Constant controversy,

366
00:18:20.279 --> 00:18:23.920
constant argument. They don't intend on solution. They're not gonna

367
00:18:23.920 --> 00:18:26.759
find a solution with you. Okay, they're not gonna find

368
00:18:26.759 --> 00:18:28.759
a solution with you. They're not gonna give into you,

369
00:18:28.799 --> 00:18:31.759
and they're not gonna accept your reality. They're not gonna change.

370
00:18:31.839 --> 00:18:32.160
Okay.

371
00:18:32.319 --> 00:18:35.519
So it's like you're constantly looking for them to resolve

372
00:18:35.559 --> 00:18:39.240
these issues, come to an understanding, get to solution, but

373
00:18:39.279 --> 00:18:42.640
it never happens. You're always in a circular argument on

374
00:18:42.680 --> 00:18:47.279
a constant basis. The circular argument is constant. There is

375
00:18:47.400 --> 00:18:51.079
never solution. It's the same argument. Then it's projection. Then

376
00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:53.559
they project on you, then they manipulate you, then they

377
00:18:53.599 --> 00:18:55.279
gaslight you, then they project on you.

378
00:18:55.359 --> 00:18:56.839
Then you enable them to do it.

379
00:18:56.960 --> 00:18:58.759
Then you do it again, we do it again, and

380
00:18:58.799 --> 00:19:00.400
we do it again, and we do it again. It's

381
00:19:00.400 --> 00:19:06.319
this constant dance. See everybody's playing their role enabler person

382
00:19:06.359 --> 00:19:10.160
that doesn't want to help. Right by enabling, we continue

383
00:19:10.200 --> 00:19:12.759
the chaos. We allow for more and more chaos, more

384
00:19:12.759 --> 00:19:15.920
and more chaos. We're allowing it. We're continuing to start

385
00:19:16.359 --> 00:19:20.440
obviously a very small role in their soap opera, but

386
00:19:20.480 --> 00:19:21.880
we're still there.

387
00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:23.799
We're still showing up, not getting paid.

388
00:19:25.519 --> 00:19:27.920
And I think one of the biggest issues is that

389
00:19:28.039 --> 00:19:31.720
you are scared that if they leave you, or you

390
00:19:31.880 --> 00:19:34.480
leave them, or you move on, that they're gonna find

391
00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:37.880
someone else and all these issues with them are gonna disappear,

392
00:19:39.640 --> 00:19:41.799
All these issues are gonna disappear, and they're gonna find

393
00:19:41.799 --> 00:19:44.559
someone other person, and they're gonna love that person and

394
00:19:44.680 --> 00:19:46.880
share that person and be with that person and have

395
00:19:46.920 --> 00:19:49.960
this amazing relationship with this person. All that you thought

396
00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:53.480
was gonna happen in those first three months, and see

397
00:19:53.480 --> 00:19:57.920
that's wrong. They will put on that persona like they

398
00:19:57.920 --> 00:20:02.599
did with you, to this specific person. They know how

399
00:20:02.599 --> 00:20:04.480
to do that. They're not stupid, they know how to

400
00:20:04.480 --> 00:20:07.519
play the game, and they will put that persona on

401
00:20:07.680 --> 00:20:08.240
just like they.

402
00:20:08.119 --> 00:20:09.079
Allured you in.

403
00:20:09.200 --> 00:20:12.480
They lure you into the situation. They're come on and

404
00:20:12.519 --> 00:20:14.759
you're like, oh wow, this feels great, this is awesome.

405
00:20:15.079 --> 00:20:17.599
I'm getting more attention than I ever have gotten. And

406
00:20:17.599 --> 00:20:19.920
then guess what, They're gonna switch back to how they

407
00:20:19.920 --> 00:20:22.960
were before after a few weeks or after a few months,

408
00:20:23.160 --> 00:20:26.519
and that person's gonna have hell as well, and they're

409
00:20:26.519 --> 00:20:28.640
gonna go through the same cycle pattern with you, unless

410
00:20:28.680 --> 00:20:30.720
they don't want to do it. Because some people are

411
00:20:30.759 --> 00:20:32.920
not they don't have a blind side to this. Some

412
00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:37.039
people don't have a blind side to narcissism or extreme

413
00:20:37.200 --> 00:20:42.319
cluster b or sociopathic behavior because they weren't raised around it.

414
00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:44.519
Many of us were raised around this behavior, so we

415
00:20:44.559 --> 00:20:48.200
have a blind side. We've become codependent through our childhood,

416
00:20:48.359 --> 00:20:50.920
and we've been raised to deal with it, to play caated,

417
00:20:50.960 --> 00:20:53.240
to accept the narrative, to go along with the narrative,

418
00:20:53.279 --> 00:20:55.720
to hope that they'll change, to hold out for hope

419
00:20:56.039 --> 00:20:58.720
all that. Some people are not like that. They'll be like, hey,

420
00:20:59.079 --> 00:21:01.319
this is crazy. You're either gonna get a help or

421
00:21:01.319 --> 00:21:03.160
I'm gone, Okay, I'm gonna try it again. I'm gonna

422
00:21:03.160 --> 00:21:05.000
try to it. I'm done, Okay, this relationship's over.

423
00:21:05.079 --> 00:21:05.359
I'm out.

424
00:21:05.400 --> 00:21:06.920
Hey, I'm gonna let I'm gonna pay for the next

425
00:21:06.960 --> 00:21:08.880
two months for the least, and I'll see you later.

426
00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:09.960
I hope you have a great day.

427
00:21:10.960 --> 00:21:13.640
But most of us can't do that because we come

428
00:21:13.680 --> 00:21:15.799
from the Code Pendant background. We come from the mother

429
00:21:15.920 --> 00:21:20.960
or father that was narcissistic, extreme narcissism, malignant, covert, what

430
00:21:21.079 --> 00:21:24.200
have you, combination of things right, And so we're used

431
00:21:24.240 --> 00:21:26.559
to that. We're used to trying to play cad, trying

432
00:21:26.559 --> 00:21:29.119
to get them to see their value, trying to see

433
00:21:29.279 --> 00:21:32.000
have them see our value. You know, you're working so hard,

434
00:21:32.079 --> 00:21:34.079
you're doing all these things, and you're cooking dinner, and

435
00:21:34.079 --> 00:21:35.960
you're doing this, and you're cleaning the house and you're

436
00:21:36.000 --> 00:21:38.440
doing Oh, if I just do all this stuff, they'll

437
00:21:38.440 --> 00:21:40.960
see my value. If I just do all these things,

438
00:21:41.039 --> 00:21:43.400
they're gonna figure out who I am. They're gonna see

439
00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:46.680
my truth. They're gonna see who I am. They're gonna

440
00:21:46.720 --> 00:21:49.240
see that I really love them. That's not gonna happen.

441
00:21:49.319 --> 00:21:53.119
I'm sorry. They don't see their own value. They're certainly

442
00:21:53.200 --> 00:21:55.680
not gonna see your value. They're gonna project on you.

443
00:21:56.079 --> 00:21:58.240
They're gonna use you as a means to an end

444
00:21:58.920 --> 00:22:02.680
to separate themselves from what they have to do. As

445
00:22:02.720 --> 00:22:04.799
long as you're the bad person, or you're the person

446
00:22:04.839 --> 00:22:07.799
standing in their way or something, then they always have

447
00:22:07.960 --> 00:22:10.720
the scapegoat. A lot of times they don't make their

448
00:22:10.759 --> 00:22:15.559
spouse escapegoat. They might make someone outside that relationship the scapegoat,

449
00:22:16.160 --> 00:22:19.400
or a friend or a family member somehow the scapegoat.

450
00:22:19.519 --> 00:22:24.599
Maybe mom's escapegoat. Maybe you know who knows the best

451
00:22:24.640 --> 00:22:26.480
man that was in the wedding is the scapegoat?

452
00:22:26.480 --> 00:22:28.920
Who knows what it is? But that is the key.

453
00:22:29.839 --> 00:22:34.119
It's the scapegoat because it gives them somebody to blame,

454
00:22:34.720 --> 00:22:38.720
to shame, the name, to use over and over again

455
00:22:39.160 --> 00:22:44.880
as an excuse for their problems. So there's some questions

456
00:22:44.880 --> 00:22:48.640
I want you to ask yourself, and these are very powerful,

457
00:22:48.680 --> 00:22:50.000
And these are things that I want you to start

458
00:22:50.039 --> 00:22:52.519
asking if you're in this situation. If you're not in

459
00:22:52.559 --> 00:22:54.839
the situation, and you're in a great relationship, you're not

460
00:22:54.880 --> 00:22:57.160
in a relationship and you're happy, whatever doesn't matter. But

461
00:22:57.200 --> 00:22:59.759
if you have a friend that's not happy, So if

462
00:22:59.799 --> 00:23:02.599
you're in a relationship dealing with this, please ask yourself

463
00:23:02.640 --> 00:23:04.480
these questions. If you have a friend that you're trying

464
00:23:04.519 --> 00:23:06.880
to talk to about this that doesn't seem to listen

465
00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:10.799
to you talk about enabling responsibility, getting help versus chaos.

466
00:23:11.079 --> 00:23:14.960
Share this with them. This will also like help you

467
00:23:15.400 --> 00:23:17.839
because you've probably been talking to them until you're blue

468
00:23:17.839 --> 00:23:19.559
in the face and they don't seem to be changing.

469
00:23:19.599 --> 00:23:22.680
You're watching somebody ten fifteen years into this relationship or

470
00:23:22.720 --> 00:23:25.799
nothing's changed. That person's still going to get therapy, but

471
00:23:25.839 --> 00:23:28.880
they haven't gone. It's been ten years, right, the problems

472
00:23:28.880 --> 00:23:30.920
are still there. You're hearing your friend tell you about

473
00:23:30.920 --> 00:23:35.440
all the issues. Nothing's changed, right, you know, there's so

474
00:23:35.480 --> 00:23:37.880
many Or if you are married to this, or you're

475
00:23:37.880 --> 00:23:40.039
in a relationship with this, or this is a family

476
00:23:40.079 --> 00:23:44.720
member of yours, this is very important, you know, think

477
00:23:44.720 --> 00:23:47.839
about these things. What triggers me with this person? Am

478
00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:51.440
I still being triggered? Because our triggers directly reflect on

479
00:23:51.519 --> 00:23:53.400
things that we need to work on in our own life.

480
00:23:53.400 --> 00:23:55.720
If they're triggering us, what are they triggering us about?

481
00:23:55.759 --> 00:23:59.559
What is triggering? What is emotionally and mentally triggering? And

482
00:23:59.599 --> 00:24:01.400
what are they say to you that really triggers you.

483
00:24:01.480 --> 00:24:03.079
I want you to write these things down to you

484
00:24:03.960 --> 00:24:05.519
because we got to work on those. You know, if

485
00:24:05.519 --> 00:24:07.000
you I mean, that's what I work on with my

486
00:24:07.039 --> 00:24:09.519
clients is we work on those triggers so that there

487
00:24:09.519 --> 00:24:12.039
are no triggers, and so when somebody says something or

488
00:24:12.079 --> 00:24:15.240
does something, there's no reaction. You might respond, but you're

489
00:24:15.279 --> 00:24:18.039
not reacting. You're not out of control, and nobody's getting

490
00:24:18.079 --> 00:24:21.000
you to lose your stuff. You're not yelling and screaming,

491
00:24:21.119 --> 00:24:23.279
and none of that happens. You're just like looking at it,

492
00:24:23.319 --> 00:24:25.440
like you know what's going on because you're tired of this.

493
00:24:25.720 --> 00:24:29.000
You're very well aware of the projection. You're very well

494
00:24:29.400 --> 00:24:34.079
understood about their situation, their circumstances, and their condition, whether

495
00:24:34.160 --> 00:24:36.799
or not they want to admit it or not. And

496
00:24:38.319 --> 00:24:41.559
I guess the next question would be, you know what

497
00:24:41.759 --> 00:24:43.880
needs to be worked out? Do you see this person

498
00:24:43.920 --> 00:24:46.720
actually getting help? How long has this been going on?

499
00:24:46.799 --> 00:24:50.119
That's something else to write down. How often have you

500
00:24:50.200 --> 00:24:52.440
tried to help this person and they don't follow through?

501
00:24:53.119 --> 00:24:55.839
How often have you gotten them a therapist, counselor coach

502
00:24:56.039 --> 00:24:58.559
or you know, a minister, And each time that person

503
00:24:58.599 --> 00:25:01.599
gets close to dealing with the issue, shoes uh, you know,

504
00:25:01.839 --> 00:25:05.920
with actually working on their issues, they are no longer good.

505
00:25:06.000 --> 00:25:10.119
They are no longer qualified. How often has that happened?

506
00:25:11.640 --> 00:25:14.039
How much step back have you taken in your life

507
00:25:14.079 --> 00:25:16.599
because of this relationship that's taking place in your life

508
00:25:16.640 --> 00:25:20.440
that's causing all this turmoil and all this emotional work

509
00:25:20.759 --> 00:25:23.880
and taking all this time and effort. How much have

510
00:25:23.960 --> 00:25:26.000
you separated yourself from other people in your life? How

511
00:25:26.079 --> 00:25:28.400
much have you separated yourself from your friends and family?

512
00:25:30.039 --> 00:25:33.039
How much have you done to separate yourself with your

513
00:25:33.079 --> 00:25:36.839
friends and family? And that's something that I want you

514
00:25:36.960 --> 00:25:39.519
to think about as well, because that is a lot.

515
00:25:39.519 --> 00:25:44.200
That's a big deal. That's a huge deal. I mean,

516
00:25:44.240 --> 00:25:47.799
and that is you know, and and and that's and

517
00:25:47.799 --> 00:25:48.839
that's something that you want.

518
00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:50.079
To think about. That's a huge deal.

519
00:25:50.079 --> 00:25:52.319
I mean, like how far you know what you've dealt with,

520
00:25:53.119 --> 00:25:58.039
what's changed in your life? And how many people have

521
00:25:58.119 --> 00:26:00.680
you kind of left behind because you're so busy taking

522
00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:03.000
care of this issue, this trauma, this drama on a

523
00:26:03.000 --> 00:26:06.119
constant basis. How has this impacted your business to your friends,

524
00:26:06.160 --> 00:26:12.039
your family, everybody, coworkers, mom, dad, frest, friends, Think about

525
00:26:12.079 --> 00:26:14.279
that because that has taken a toll for most people.

526
00:26:14.400 --> 00:26:16.799
Most people can't even identify their life after ten years

527
00:26:16.799 --> 00:26:19.160
of being in a relationship like this because things have

528
00:26:19.279 --> 00:26:22.880
changed so much and not a good way, and that

529
00:26:22.920 --> 00:26:28.200
person is still creating chaos, not taking responsibility, and nothing's

530
00:26:28.279 --> 00:26:31.359
changed with them except for everything in your life has changed.

531
00:26:31.920 --> 00:26:34.759
You become the enabler, You become the doormat, You become

532
00:26:34.799 --> 00:26:37.279
that person that does everything, and that person still doesn't

533
00:26:37.319 --> 00:26:40.079
see your value. And last, but not least, a lot

534
00:26:40.119 --> 00:26:42.519
of people are in these relationships because of their fears,

535
00:26:42.599 --> 00:26:45.480
the fear of the unknown, the fear of being alone,

536
00:26:46.680 --> 00:26:50.279
the fear of going this life by themselves. But I've

537
00:26:50.319 --> 00:26:57.519
realized that challenging relationships like this caused so much problems.

538
00:26:57.759 --> 00:27:04.880
Stress and anxiety, blood pressure issues, heart issues, the stress.

539
00:27:04.480 --> 00:27:08.400
And strain on your body is amazing.

540
00:27:08.440 --> 00:27:11.240
I mean, so I've worked with clients where literally I'm

541
00:27:11.279 --> 00:27:13.359
looking at them for the first day and they look

542
00:27:13.960 --> 00:27:17.000
fifteen years older than somebody their same age because they

543
00:27:17.000 --> 00:27:22.119
have internalized so much stress and anxiety and anger and fear.

544
00:27:23.200 --> 00:27:25.880
And so maybe looking at how much fear is ruling

545
00:27:25.880 --> 00:27:28.359
your life, how much fear is keeping this person in

546
00:27:28.400 --> 00:27:31.559
your life? Where is the fear factor? How much fear

547
00:27:31.640 --> 00:27:35.160
are you feeling? And when you think about letting go

548
00:27:35.240 --> 00:27:38.240
of this relationship. Can you see yourself letting go? And

549
00:27:38.279 --> 00:27:40.359
if you can't, that's something you're going to need to

550
00:27:40.400 --> 00:27:44.519
work on. And I, you know, I advocate the concept of,

551
00:27:44.960 --> 00:27:49.400
you know, trying a couple more times to get them

552
00:27:49.440 --> 00:27:51.920
to see the truth. But if you've tried for years,

553
00:27:52.799 --> 00:27:54.559
trying a few more times isn't going to hurt. But

554
00:27:54.599 --> 00:27:56.200
I think you have to have a cutoff date. When

555
00:27:56.240 --> 00:27:59.279
when is this done? When am I stop trying? And

556
00:27:59.319 --> 00:28:01.279
when do I have to see some sort of action?

557
00:28:03.000 --> 00:28:05.160
And what happens when I don't see that action? What's

558
00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:07.519
my plan of action? What is my plan of action? Now,

559
00:28:07.599 --> 00:28:09.680
if they don't do any action, that's fine, but what

560
00:28:09.839 --> 00:28:12.359
is my plan? What is my action? What am I

561
00:28:12.480 --> 00:28:14.640
going to do with my life? How am I gonna

562
00:28:14.680 --> 00:28:16.759
change my life? How am I gonna move the needle

563
00:28:16.799 --> 00:28:18.960
in my life? What am I gonna do? Nobody's gonna

564
00:28:18.960 --> 00:28:22.279
give you a medal of honor for this. And some

565
00:28:22.359 --> 00:28:24.400
of you were sitting on the sidelines. Some of you

566
00:28:24.440 --> 00:28:27.279
are not in the marriage that's having this, not in

567
00:28:27.319 --> 00:28:31.720
the family, you're a friend, maybe you're a coworker and

568
00:28:31.759 --> 00:28:33.759
you're watching this, and you too have been on the

569
00:28:33.799 --> 00:28:36.440
sidelines of your life trying to help this other person,

570
00:28:37.119 --> 00:28:40.920
help another person, And you too, have wasted so much

571
00:28:40.920 --> 00:28:43.519
of your life trying to help your friend that's in

572
00:28:43.599 --> 00:28:46.319
this relationship with this person that doesn't want help, because

573
00:28:46.359 --> 00:28:49.119
you've spent hours and hours of listening to it on

574
00:28:49.160 --> 00:28:51.759
the phone, you spend hours and hours of talking about

575
00:28:51.799 --> 00:28:54.079
it over coffee when you could have been doing other

576
00:28:54.200 --> 00:28:59.160
things in your life. And that's the thing. This affects everybody.

577
00:28:59.440 --> 00:29:03.599
This type of chaos affects everybody. I mean, if you're

578
00:29:03.640 --> 00:29:06.200
dealing with this chaos in your life, everybody that's close

579
00:29:06.200 --> 00:29:07.880
to you is dealing with this chaos in their life.

580
00:29:08.039 --> 00:29:09.759
The people that really matter to you and the people

581
00:29:09.839 --> 00:29:12.200
you open up to, they're happy to help. But there

582
00:29:12.200 --> 00:29:14.599
comes a time where everybody has to see some action.

583
00:29:15.480 --> 00:29:17.519
Everybody has to see this person come.

584
00:29:17.400 --> 00:29:18.200
Around and do it.

585
00:29:18.319 --> 00:29:20.200
And if they're not, you have to put your foot

586
00:29:20.240 --> 00:29:22.279
down and have a boundary and say, what am I

587
00:29:22.319 --> 00:29:23.519
willing to deal with in my life?

588
00:29:23.599 --> 00:29:24.920
What am I not willing to deal with?

589
00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:28.160
And can I overcome my fears in my life to

590
00:29:28.319 --> 00:29:32.319
overcome this and change my trajectory of my life. I

591
00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:35.839
work with clients on a daily basis to overcome relationships

592
00:29:36.039 --> 00:29:38.720
that haven't been working for a long time. They haven't

593
00:29:38.759 --> 00:29:41.599
really ever worked, and we have to go through the

594
00:29:41.640 --> 00:29:44.480
fear and the stress and the anxiety to move through it.

595
00:29:44.680 --> 00:29:46.240
But we do it with ease.

596
00:29:46.759 --> 00:29:50.279
We cover our bases, we turn over every stone before

597
00:29:50.440 --> 00:29:53.200
we do make any changes. We do everything we can

598
00:29:53.279 --> 00:29:55.839
to make sure we have no regret. We see the

599
00:29:55.880 --> 00:29:59.440
situation clearly, and then we work positively, move on, and

600
00:29:59.519 --> 00:30:03.519
then we recreate a new life based on our values

601
00:30:03.720 --> 00:30:06.720
and our direction and where we want to be, and

602
00:30:06.759 --> 00:30:09.319
we focus our energy back on us for the first

603
00:30:09.359 --> 00:30:12.359
time in our life to be able to successfully live

604
00:30:12.519 --> 00:30:18.960
our life and overcome the damage from the past two, five, ten, twelve, twenty,

605
00:30:19.160 --> 00:30:20.680
twenty five, thirty years.

606
00:30:21.920 --> 00:30:22.599
It's up to you.

607
00:30:22.839 --> 00:30:24.440
If you want to work with me, you can definitely

608
00:30:24.680 --> 00:30:27.680
just go online Ashleyburgess dot com. Just click on that

609
00:30:27.759 --> 00:30:29.839
coaching section page coaching Sessions.

610
00:30:30.359 --> 00:30:30.759
Go in there.

611
00:30:30.799 --> 00:30:33.119
You can set up an appointment right then, right there online

612
00:30:33.200 --> 00:30:34.880
Ashleyburges dot com Coaching Sessions.

613
00:30:34.880 --> 00:30:37.240
Done deal. You can also go to that contact page.

614
00:30:37.240 --> 00:30:37.960
You can send me an.

615
00:30:37.920 --> 00:30:41.240
Email as well, and if you haven't checked out the

616
00:30:41.240 --> 00:30:43.640
YouTube channel, definitely do that. I put out new video

617
00:30:43.759 --> 00:30:49.480
content throughout the week on subject matters that affect us, Narcissism, PPD,

618
00:30:50.200 --> 00:30:55.759
overcoming traumatic situations, dealing with very challenging spouses, coworkers, family members,

619
00:30:55.799 --> 00:30:57.640
how to deal with this, how to process it, how

620
00:30:57.640 --> 00:31:01.440
to move on, how to find success our relationships, because

621
00:31:01.480 --> 00:31:03.720
our relationships are such a key part of our life.

622
00:31:04.079 --> 00:31:06.960
If we have a bunch of really kind of toxic relationships,

623
00:31:07.079 --> 00:31:10.079
we're probably not very happy in our life. And so

624
00:31:10.119 --> 00:31:12.799
I'm wanting everybody to find that happiness, find that connection,

625
00:31:13.000 --> 00:31:16.359
find their direction, and be able to hone in some

626
00:31:16.400 --> 00:31:18.920
of that energy so that they can do what they

627
00:31:18.960 --> 00:31:22.960
need to for themselves. I hope that this podcast has helped.

628
00:31:22.960 --> 00:31:24.799
Please share with any family or friends that need to

629
00:31:24.839 --> 00:31:27.039
hear this. And if you need to hear this, listen

630
00:31:27.079 --> 00:31:29.240
to this a couple of times. Maybe go walk around

631
00:31:29.279 --> 00:31:31.720
the block, maybe go to the gym, maybe just drive

632
00:31:31.799 --> 00:31:33.559
around and listen to this a few times, because this

633
00:31:33.680 --> 00:31:36.039
information needs to be into your brain. It needs to

634
00:31:36.079 --> 00:31:38.559
be ingrained so that you remember it, so that it

635
00:31:38.640 --> 00:31:42.079
really goes in so that we can actually make positive change.

636
00:31:42.119 --> 00:31:44.519
Because you're going to need some coaching as you go

637
00:31:44.599 --> 00:31:47.119
through this and after it to get back to where

638
00:31:47.200 --> 00:31:49.119
you need to be at and actually not back to

639
00:31:49.160 --> 00:31:50.319
be at the highest.

640
00:31:50.039 --> 00:31:51.160
Level that you should be at.

641
00:31:51.519 --> 00:31:55.319
Because we've gotten into the situation, it's probably created a

642
00:31:55.319 --> 00:31:57.799
lot of havoc in your life. There's probably emotional turmoil,

643
00:31:57.839 --> 00:32:00.279
a lot of triggers, and when somebody is not taking

644
00:32:00.319 --> 00:32:02.880
responsibility for their actions, remember they're projecting on you, and

645
00:32:02.920 --> 00:32:06.319
that projection leads to insecurity, it leads to fear, it

646
00:32:06.400 --> 00:32:09.160
leads to even more fear of leaving the relationship. So

647
00:32:09.200 --> 00:32:12.119
I hope that this has helped. Please share and in

648
00:32:12.200 --> 00:32:14.359
the meantime, don't forget to live your true life. And

649
00:32:14.400 --> 00:32:18.359
you've been living to the Ashley Burgess show originally named

650
00:32:18.519 --> 00:32:29.599
Live your True Life perspectives, have a great one