DARVO: The Manipulative Pattern You Can't See Until You Do! [Ep: 809]

0:01 You're in a good place now. You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Hi, you're listening to the Ashley Burgess podcast. Are you currently being darvoed in a relationship and don't even realize it? Darvo is how blame gets reversed, and it's super damaging. Let's discuss that today. If you've ever tried to talk to someone that's hurt you and somehow ended up apologizing to them, you want to watch this because this is going to help you to not only understand what's happening, but also to defend yourself. If every time you bring up a concern in a relationship and the conversation flips, it escalates, or it falls apart, and you walk away feeling confused, guilty, or ashamed, you may experience something called darvo.

0:44 Darvo isn't conflict. It's not miscommunication, and it's not two people just seeing differently. Darvo is a psychological defense and manipulation pattern that protects one person from accountability by turning the other person in the problem. Today, we're going to break that down in today's podcast. What darvo actually is, how it shows up in real relationships, Why it's so confusing and damaging the type of people that actually use it, and how to recognize it without gaslighting yourself. This isn't about labeling people. It's about clarity and understanding and seeing things for what they truly are, and understanding the situation you're in. So what does DARVO stand for? First, darvo is an acronym that describes a certain sequence. The D is deny as attack.

1:36 RVO is reverse victim and offender. Let's walk through each part slowly. Okay, First off, deny When you bring up harm, they actually deny it ever happening, or they deny the actual impact. That it has. And I'll give you a few examples. That's not what I said, you're remembering things incorrectly, or you're making a big deal about nothing. Denial isn't all always that loud. Sometimes it can be subtle. They can minimize things, they can deflect, they can rewrite their tone, change their intent, and the goal is simple. If it didn't happen, they don't have to take responsibility for it. Second attack, when denial isn't enough, the tone shifts, so now you're criticized for actually bringing it up. For example, you're too sensitive. You always do this, Why are you trying to start a fight with me today? Your character becomes the issue. The way that you act becomes the issue, no longer what they did. This is where the conversation escalates pretty fast, because the focus moves from the behavior to actually who you are. Thirdly, reverse victim and offender.

2:44 This is the most disorientating part of the situation. Suddenly they become hurt, they are offended, and they're the victim, and you, well, you're the aggressor. Now you're told you attack them, You cause these problems. You're abusive, you're an fair, you're cruel. And at this point, the original issue that you brought up is no longer at all there. There's not even a remnants of it. And so what darva looks like in real life is very important because it's probably happening to you. If you're in a relationship with someone that has narcissistic tendencies or is full blown narcissistic or even covert or overt narcissism, you are definitely dealing with this on a daily basis.

3:26 So what does darva look like in real life? Okay, when you yelled at me in front of the others, This is an example. It really hurts. So you get upset, somebody yells at you in front of other people. You say something, and their response is going to be in the denial, I didn't nail, you're exaggerating, I didn't raise my voice. The attack is going to be you're always trying to make me look bad. The reverse is you're the one embarrassing me by actually bringing this up because it's not a big deal. So now think about what happens next. Your pain is never addressed. You're defending your tone, you're defending your memory and your intention, and you feel guilty for speaking up. And that's darvo. A good other example is, for example, maybe you say I felt ignored when he didn't respond or text me or respond to my calls for several days. They may say, wow, so now I'm not allowed to have a life, or you're so controlling, you're always trying to control me, or you're always accusing.

4:26 Me of something. Now they become the victim of your unreasonable expectations of getting a call or a text back within a certain specific type of time. And why is darvo so confusing? Darvo is very powerful, especially against the empathic person or the reflective person or the person that looks within themselves. And the reason for that is because when we are reflective on our own situations, when we have empathy and we care about others, and when we actually think about what we're doing and actually all ourselves to a higher standard, we self examine. We care about fairness and our relationships.

5:06 We want things to be fair and balance. We don't want to hurt others, and we're willing to actually take responsibility for our actions. So when someone flips the script, your instinct is, maybe I said it wrong, maybe I should explain better, maybe I overreacted, And so DARVO exploits the impath. So think about it and instead of us asking why am I being blamed? Right, you asked what did I do wrong? And DARVO reinforces codependent behavior. For all of my clients who are in codependent recovery, we don't want to deal with DARVO. Because they can, you know, reinforce this behavior. We're trying to get passed, and so I want you to realize when you're dealing with DARVO. Over time, the questions of what did I do wrong? Leads to chronic self doubt. It leads to walking on eggshells, emotional exhaustion, lost to trust in your own perception and your own gut feeling. And this is how gaslighting takes root. Okay, not through one big situation, but repeated DARVO experiences of role reversal. This is what we need to really think about.

6:18 This is what we need to analyze, This is what we need to be aware of. So who uses darvu? Well, DARVO is not a diagnosis. It's a behavior pattern. But it's commonly used by people who can't tolerate shame, who see his accountability as a threat, and who want to protect their identity at all costs. This includes narcissistic personalities, malignant narcissistic personalities, antagonistic type traits, people that are emotionally abusive of their partners and others, people who want power and control. So we can all be defensive at sometimes that's not what we're talking about here. The difference between being defensive and darvo is that it's consistent, it's pattern, It benefits the same person over and over again, and it never leads to repair, and it never leads to repairing of the situation that took place. I was at the beginning of this conversation. Healthy defensiveness will calm down something.

7:13 DARVO will just escalate it into another situation. So darvo versus healthy conflict. What does that look like? Let's compare it. A healthy conflict sounds like I didn't realize that I hurt you, or I'm feeling defensive, but I want to understand you better. Can we talk about what happened? There's obvious discomfort, but there's also interest in getting to know what the other person's feeling and try to help them. Darvo sounds more like you're attacking me, You're the problem. Why are you always doing this? There's no wanting to hear your side. It's only protection of them. Healthy people can tolerate being wrong. Darvo exists to avoid that feeling at all costs. The psychological cost of darvo is interesting.

7:58 When darbo is repeated over time, it creates self silencing, hypervigilance, emotional numbness, and confusion about what's normal. You stop bringing things up, you stop trusting your reactions, You shrink to keep the peace. You're walking on eggshells, and that's the damage. Darvo doesn't just avoid accountability, it trains the other person to actually disappear. So how do we recognize it in real time? Well, here's the simplest way to spot it. Ask yourself, did my concern turn into a character attack on me? If the answer is yes, think about it. You don't need to argue facts, you don't need to defend your tone, you don't need to convince them. And this is something that you need to realize that you need to recognize this and create a boundary around it. Realizing, Okay, wait a second, this is not a conversation at all.

8:53 What you're gonna say is going to be turned against you, and recognizing that and kind of stepping back and saying, hey, I'll talk to you later about the situation. You know, it's interesting because some thoughts here that you want to think about if you're dealing with this in a relationship. Is darvo is not miscommunication. It's not like this love or passion about things. It's not a sign that you need to be more thorough in your explanation. It's a system of manipulation that protects one person, and it protects that person by sacrificing the emotional reality of the other person. Healthy relationships allow discomfort. Remember it's okay, to feel like discomfort.

9:37 Sometimes they allow repair and they allow accountability. If every hard. Conversation ends with you feeling guilty, confused, or ashamed, that's not growth, right, that's darvo And that's what I want you to really think about, because when you get to this point and you're dealing with this in a relationship, we need to safeguard ourselves. We need to be aware of what's. Going on because if there's no solution to these situations over and over again, you are being darvoed. You are in the situation. You need to pay attention to this manipulative and controlling tactic and you need to set some boundaries in it.

10:18 And you also need to stop arguing into their favor and seeing how you can actually put some boundaries around that relationship. I hope that this podcast has helped you and has enlightened you into a controlling and manipulative tactic that is used so that you can safeguard yourself and better look into all your relationships to see if you are currently dealing with this right now. Also check out the YouTube channel every week on life Coach Ashley Burgess. Just go to YouTube and put in life Coach Ashley Burgess. We put up several videos a week. Please let us know what you're thinking. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the YouTube channel and also subscribe to the podcast. You know whether you're listening on Apple Podcasts or any other streaming services. And also let us know of any topics you'd like me for discussing, as well as anything that you'd like me to talk about to more in depth in a subject matter.

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