Nov. 12, 2025

Clarity Through Sobriety: Accepting the Truth in Toxic Narcissistic Relationships. [Ep.806]

Clarity Through Sobriety: Accepting the Truth in Toxic Narcissistic Relationships. [Ep.806]
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Are you stuck in a relationship where giving feels endless and love feels conditional? In this episode, I explore how codependency, future faking, and patterns learned from our family dynamic can keep us trapped, and how alcohol, drugs, and distractions reinforce the cycle. Sobriety isn’t just about quitting substances; it’s about gaining clarity, recognizing your value, and understanding your relationships for what they truly are. When you remove the brain fog, you stop believing the lies, see through the future faking, identify the false hope, and see the manipulation for what it is. When we are sober are able to stand up for ourselves in a more solid and consistent way, better at setting healthy boundaries, and we are able to gain confidence and a better overall self-esteem.

#narcissisim #narcissistic #sobriety #toxicrelationships #clarity #futurefaking #falsehope #manipulation #gaslighting #borderline #covertnarcissist #malignantnarcississt



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WEBVTT

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You're in a good place now you are listening to

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Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Hi, and welcome back live to

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the Ashley Burgess Podcast. I was thinking the other day

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about certain questions about relationships, and I have some questions

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for you. Do you feel like you're seeing your relationship

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clearly or your relationships clearly? Are you seeing the duty

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that you have in these relationships clearly? Are you taking

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on more than you need to in your relationships? Are

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you codependent with somebody in a relationship, or are you

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more self centered in a relationship. I've found that there's

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only a few things that can safeguard us from the

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programming that we got when we were young growing up

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in the family dynamic. As many of you know, you

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were taught certain things by watching mom and dad. Maybe

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Dad was a complete covert narcissist and behind closed doors

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a very mean, brutal person, and Mom was the doting codependent,

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the doormat that constantly was there for Dad no matter

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what happened. And you watched the two Tango in this dance,

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and many of you started taking on those codependent tendencies

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because you were trying to get Dad's attention wanting him

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to love you, wanting him to be there for you,

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wanting him to be there at the games, or the

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football games, or the basketball games, or the choir concerts,

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whatever it was that you were doing. And so you

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placated the narcissists, and in that effort in playcating, you

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were trying to get the attention and to get that

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love and support that you've always wanted from a parent.

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Now the tables could have been completely turned. Maybe Dad

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was a complete codependent trying to take care of your

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mom who was a raging alcoholic as well as a narcissist,

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or somebody with borderline personality disorder or a combination of

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borderline and narcissism. And so you watched as that played out,

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and you became your father becoming more and more codependent,

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trying to be there, trying to help and thinking, oh,

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my value is not within, My value is outside of me,

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My value is to help others, and not seeing the

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value that you have within. It's also interesting too some

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people not my normal avatar as far as a client,

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but some people become very self centered or even acquire

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some of those narcissistic tendencies watching mom or Dad and

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that can be a defense mechanism, or it can just

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be following the leader, and so that can be a

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very interesting combination. Usually, however, if you're listening to my

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podcast or you're a current client, been a client, or

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watch my YouTube videos, usually you are the giver. You're

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the person giving and giving and giving to someone that's

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constantly taking and taking advantage of you. And you're in

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that relationship and you wish so badly to change it

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or to get out of it, but you just don't

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know how how do I move past this? How do

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I get out of this situation? How do I get

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out from underneath their foot? How do I move forward?

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And I know that many of you, if you're in

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a relationship like this right now, you've been in multiple

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relationships like this in the past. This is a cycle

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pattern of yours that you have dealt with over and

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over again after watching mom and Dad in their situation,

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and so in today's podcast, I want to actually change that.

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I want to put some thought out there as far

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as how do we get past that, how do we

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move forward? You know, what do we do? And what

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are some real actionables? What are some real actionables that

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we can actually get rid of or we can change,

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or we can do what are some actionables that we

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can do right now to make our life better? And

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these are things that I want you to think about.

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And I was thinking about one of the big, big,

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big ones, the major one, and this is the major,

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major Anchilada dinner, supreme dinner of all the big kahuna say.

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And I believe that that is getting sober, having sobriety,

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getting to the point where you're not using alcohol and drugs.

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So in order to really see things clearly, we cannot

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be under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In order

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to see things clearly, we have to have sobriety. We

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have to have clarity, right, And I feel that getting

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sober is the true key to seeing your relationships with

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clarity and understanding. And I know that some of you

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are saying, wow, Okay, yeah, it sounds great, and I

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think that's a great idea, But how do I get there?

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Because my relationship makes me want to drink, or my relationship,

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you know, makes me want to smoke weed or whatever

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that looks like. And I understand that it's a cycle, right,

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It's like you deal with them, you come home, you

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don't like being at home. This person is not nice

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to you, or they're constantly finding faults in you, or

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they're constantly using forever ammunition where they're bringing up stuff

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from ten years ago that happened, that wasn't that big

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of a deal then, But they're painting the picture of

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how horrible you are as a person on a constant basis.

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And I understand that. And so you go to the

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bottle of wine, or you go to the bottle of scotch,

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or you reach for you know, the marijuana or whatever

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it is, and I understand that. But see, the drug

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or the alcohol is actually what's keeping you in this cycle. Okay,

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it's like the band aid that you're putting on. It's

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the band aid that you're putting on the wound that

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needs to heal without being covered up with a band aid, right.

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I mean, this needs to heal, and the only way

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to heal it is to actually look at things head on,

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honestly when you see the situation honestly head on. And

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what I mean by that is you know sands, alcohol,

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sands drugs, and I know that this is not like

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an immediate for many of you. You might say, wow, Okay,

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I'm just gonna stop drinking all together after all the

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years of years of drinking the cope, or I'm gonna

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stop smoking weed, or I'm gonna stop doing cocaine or

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stop doing this or that with all because of all

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the years of trying to cope. Okay, And I understand that,

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but we have to get to a point of tie,

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trading down and eventually getting sober. I found that. You know, remember,

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if you're drinking and you're basically suppressing your feelings, you're

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drinking and you know you're getting tipsy or whatever, and

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you're you keep for living the good days, the good times, right,

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you keep putting that back into your mind when that's

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the least that you need in your You don't want

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that in your mind. You don't need that in your mind.

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You don't need that distraction. When you're looking at toxicity

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in your life. You need to be like, hey, okay,

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where do I want to be at with clarity? What

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do I want to get in my life? What kind

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of person do I actually want around me? What kind

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of people do I want around me? And that's a

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really interesting question, what kind of people do I want

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around me? Because I think that that's so important. What

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kind of person do I want in a relationship? What

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kind of person do I want to see every day

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when I get home? And I'm not talking about I'm

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talking about personality, values, intentions, Right, what do you want?

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And then also what do you want within yourself? Because

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I know that you know, if you're suppressing your feelings,

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whether it's alcohol, drugs, what have you, you know, or

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getting dopamine highs trying to like overcome the negativity in

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your life, this isn't going to help you. And so

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what I'm asking you to do is really look at

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whatever it is that you're doing and realize this is

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actual crutch. It's an actual crutch designed to keep you

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in the matrix of the toxicity in your life. It's

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not helping you. If anything, it's actually helping you to

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stay stuck, to stay in a negative situation, and to

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keep allowing toxicity and people with toxic intentions in your life. Okay,

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And I really want you to think about that, because

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if you're drinking a lot, and you know what I'm saying,

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before you get home, maybe you're at work and you're

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able to see and process what's really happening. In your life,

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if your marriage is bringing you pain and suffering, if

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you're in a marriage or in a relationship or living

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with somebody that's a covert narcissist, a malignant narcissist, somebody

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with sociopathic tendencies, somebody with extreme borderline personality disorder connected

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with narcissism. I mean, if you're dealing with that on

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a daily basis, and you're coming from a very codependent

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or dependent stance, the alcohol and the drugs are the

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thing that's holding you there. If you can start tight

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trading down and also realizing and I think this is

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a big caveat the reason why you're drinking or doing

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so many drugs, besides the fact that you've become somewhat

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addicted to it, is also because you're trying to basically

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keep yourself in this situation. You're trying not to rock

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the boat, even though everything that you need to do

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is to rock the boat. Everything that you need to

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do is to see things clearly, to see things with clarity. Right.

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The more that you are aware, the more you can

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see their intentions, the more you can stop lying to

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yourself and you will not continue to fall for future

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faking One of the things that I've realized here with

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many people, especially when they're codependent, is somebody will sell

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them a bill of goods. Somebody has will will say hey, uh,

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you know, this is what I'm gonna be, this is

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who I am, this is what I want whatever, and

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I'm gonna do all this, and the codependent or the

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dependent goes, you know what, you know, this is amazing. Okay,

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this person's gonna do all these things. But that person

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never steps up to the plate to do anything. And

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so as the years go by and nothing's coming to fruition,

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and you're still holding onto that future faking you're still

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holding onto that future that's possible, that this person is

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painted for you, and it's never coming to fruition, and

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you keep thinking, well, maybe one day, maybe one day,

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you take another glass of wine, you smoke another you know,

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you know, you smoke another bowl of weed, you take

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another hit of cocaine, whatever it is, and you go, Okay,

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well you know what it's gonna happen, and you go

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back into that fairy tale, You go back into the

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beginning of that relationship, back into those great days, back

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into the salad days, as they say, back into the

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love bombing days, right, because you start reliving that and

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you start going back into that, believing the future, faking

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holding onto the false hope, right, because the alcohol and

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the drugs make us hold onto the false hope because

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they're all lies. Drugs and alcohol are all lies, because

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they don't keep you feeling that way. Right. If you

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drink too much alcohol, you wake up with extreme anxiety, right,

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extreme anxiety, horrible anxiety, and you're like, oh my god,

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I can't believe this. I feel so horrible, I can't

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think straight. You go through the entire workday just trying

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to get it together, right, just trying to get it together.

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And it's not until like the late afternoon where you're

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finally getting it together, you're finally seeing through all this stuff.

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And then you go back home and you deal with stuff,

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and you start and again, right, you over drink and

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you go through the anxiety and you're just trying to

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clear your head. You're just dealing with brain fog all

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day long. Now, if it's drugs, right, if it's cocaine,

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you're chasing that high if I just take you know,

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if I just do another bump of cocaine, another line

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of cocaine. You know, maybe this will get better. Maybe

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I can just calm myself a little bit more dopamine.

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Maybe more dopamine will help me, because then I don't

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have to deal with this. Or if I'm smoking weed,

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how much weed do you have to smoke to let

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this go? This is insanity, right, And I need you

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to start seeing the truth because what's happened here is

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instead of speaking your truth, instead of standing up for yourself,

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instead of calling this person out for who they are,

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instead of saying, hey, this is who you are, this

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is what you're doing, I have accepted this reality. I'm

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not going to accept this anymore. This is no longer

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part of my protocol. I don't need you and I

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don't need your lies. And the thing about it is

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is that I realize that most people that are drinking themselves,

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you know, to death, basically doing drugs, doing these things.

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You're in a relationship where you're super unhappy and you're

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just trying to medicate yourself. You're just trying to calm

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yourself down. And I want to give you a picture

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of it, you know, like you remember on Golden Girls,

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where you know she was like picture this nineteen thirty five.

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You know, Okay, I want you to picture this. If

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you're in a relationship right now and you're three, four

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or five, six, ten years in, it's not going to

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get any better if you're self medicating. I have clients

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that have come to me that have been doing this

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for thirty five years, and we've made massive changes in

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their life. But guess what, we had to pull them

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out of the bottle, pull them out of the situation

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because the only thing that they were doing now was

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complete self medicating in order to deal with the tyrant

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that was in their home. Okay, And it became you

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become this doormat, right You become this dormat for this

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person's toxicity, for their bs, for their lives, for everything.

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And when you start getting sober. And I'm not saying

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you have to cut out everything right now, I'm saying, hey,

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if you're drinking a bottle of wine, many of you

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might be two or three. If you're drinking two bottles

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of wine, you need to cut down a one, okay,

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and you need to start tie trading down. Some of

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you just need to go sober cold sobriety because it's

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the only way. But I need you to think about

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what this is. Is that the alcohol and the drugs

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are holding you into the toxicity once you break out

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of that prison. And it is a prison, by the way,

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it is a prison. The cocaine might feel great right

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this second, it might help to mellow you out. It's

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a prison that's holding you back from who you are. Okay,

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And only reason why you keep doing so much is

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why is to numb yourself. Numb yourself with what's going on.

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Because if you were in a really healthy environment and

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in a good relationship, would you want to numb yourself?

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Would you want to drink yourself to death? Would you

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want to sneak alcohol? Would you want to sneak cocaine?

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Would you want to be smoking three joints in the

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garage before coming in and seeing your spouse else? Would

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you want to binge drink and drink twelve fourteen beers

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a night. It doesn't make sense, you see what I'm saying.

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So step back and look at the model that you've

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created for your life. Is this what you deserve? And

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this is a big question. I want everybody that's listening

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right now, if you're dealing with this right now, do

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you deserve this? Is this the life that you deserve?

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Do you deserve to be in pain and suffering? Do

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you deserve to be upset and unhappy? Do you deserve

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to go through this on a daily basis? I don't

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think so, And I think you would have to agree

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with me that you are a good person and we

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all have our issues that we have to deal with.

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And you know that's what I do in my coaching

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is I help people get better. I help people find

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their value. I help you find your value and get

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away from the situation, be able to see it for

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what it is, and move forward in your life. This

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is so critical and crucial for you to have that

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sense of peace and resolve in your life instead of

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of resentment and regret. Because the longer you keep holding

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on to the toxic relationship that's not working, the longer

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you're involved in something that's not working. Okay, the longer

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you're involved in something that's not working, the more years

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you take up in a relationship that's just sucking you dry,

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the more years that you get stuck in that relationship,

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the less time you have on the back end to

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actually live your life that you want. Think about it

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it's I mean, I hate to say it. I mean,

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you know there is a time limit, right, and so

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there has to be a time where you say, Okay, hey,

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this isn't working. I'm gonna stop barking up this tree

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over and over again with something that wasn't working ever.

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But I just don't want to be alone. I'm so

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scared of being alone. I've been beaten down so much

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about my self esteem is so low. But let me

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have another drink, let me have another line, let me

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do another you know, let me get another you know,

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hit off that pipe. I need. Whatever this is. Remember,

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all of this is just a funnel into keeping you

301
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down and out. As long as the alcohol and the

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drugs can keep you in the toxic situation, it's working.

303
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It's working. And guess what. The drugs and alcohol aren't

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working for you. They haven't worked for you ever. Even

305
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when you thought they were working for you, they weren't

306
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working for you. It might have been fun, maybe in

307
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your early twenties or mid twenties, it's not fun anymore. Okay,

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it's time to wake up. It's time to stop being

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allowed to be delusional. So remember alcohol and drugs, and

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they call it spirits, right, they call liquor spirits. There's

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a reason for that. We won't go into a big

312
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dietribe of that today, but there's a big reason for that.

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It allows all kinds of stuff into your body because

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there's nobody watching it. There's nobody, you know, there's nobody

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at the gate. There's nobody patrolling anything, right, there's nobody

316
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patrolling your subconscious. You're just dealing with all this drama

317
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and hassle. You go home and you're having fights and arguments,

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and everybody's drinking. And I remember I had a client

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for a while when they first came to me, and

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every single night that you know, her husband and her

321
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would get so drunk and she would pack her bags

322
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every night and grab the kid and do all this

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stuff and just insanity. And I was like, first of all,

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the child is going to have PTSD. The child's going

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to have a lot of trauma from this. Second of all,

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this isn't working for anybody. Every time you get drunk.

327
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Every night, you drink two bottles, he drinks two bottles.

328
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Y'all are smoking weed. All this is happening. This is

329
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ruining both of your lives. Both of your lives are

330
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being ruined, and your child, unfortunately his life, you will

331
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have to be in therapy and coaching for a very

332
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long time to overcome everything that he's heard and seen.

333
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And so what I'm saying to you is, if you're

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in this situation right now, somebody's got to end it.

335
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Somebody's got to end this because this is just like

336
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a speed to death. I mean, it's just like, what

337
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are we doing here? We're just like speeding our life

338
00:17:46.200 --> 00:17:49.960
through this process. We're not happy, we're not feeling good.

339
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We continue to drink and try to escalate the situation

340
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or calm the situation down, and that's not working. You know.

341
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The other side of the coin is if you're in

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a relationship with somebody that is an addict and it's

343
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also narcissistic in all these things, what are you doing?

344
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I understand that you are scared of being alone. I

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understand that that fear. But when a fear of being

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alone like overcomes the concept of your own safety, right,

347
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I mean, at that point you really got to look

348
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at your own mental state and say, why am I

349
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in so much fear of doing this on my own

350
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when I definitely can, when I definitely have the ability.

351
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I can do it. You know, I'm not. You know,

352
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I'm not in a government where I can't get divorced.

353
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I can actually get divorced. I'm in a place that

354
00:18:38.079 --> 00:18:39.920
I can get divorced. I'm in a place that I

355
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can move on. I'm in a place where I can

356
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get my own place. I'm I mean, it might not

357
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be the place I want to live with forever, but

358
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I can get there. I can be there. I can

359
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do this. Think about it. What is holding you back

360
00:18:51.160 --> 00:18:54.839
from finally looking at your life with independence? What is

361
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holding you back from finally taking the reins of your

362
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own life and saying, screw this. I don't want to

363
00:18:59.759 --> 00:19:02.680
do this anymore. Okay, I'm not doing this dance with

364
00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:05.519
you anymore. I'm not playing this game with you anymore.

365
00:19:05.759 --> 00:19:07.839
I'm not going to do it. And that's where I

366
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want everybody that's listening to this podcast, if it's you

367
00:19:10.640 --> 00:19:14.319
in this relationship where you know those fears have taken over,

368
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I need you to start backing off from the drugs

369
00:19:16.799 --> 00:19:19.440
and alcohol. And some of you are gonna have to

370
00:19:19.480 --> 00:19:23.920
do it overnight, okay, because the other person in this

371
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toxic relationship is not gonna be happy when you get sober,

372
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because they know, once sobriety hits for you, you're not gonna

373
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be in this anymore. You're gonna see it for what

374
00:19:35.480 --> 00:19:38.559
it really is. You're gonna see the toxicity. You're gonna

375
00:19:38.559 --> 00:19:41.079
see the games that are being played. You're not gonna

376
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be able to lie to yourself anymore. You're not gonna

377
00:19:43.759 --> 00:19:49.440
believe the future faking anymore. Okay, like future faking only

378
00:19:49.640 --> 00:19:53.839
continues when you are drinking or drugging, future faking because

379
00:19:53.839 --> 00:19:56.119
eventually you look at it and you go, hey, you've

380
00:19:56.119 --> 00:19:59.799
been saying that for four years and nothing's come to pass.

381
00:20:00.079 --> 00:20:03.240
I'm holding on with baited breath over here, hoping that

382
00:20:03.319 --> 00:20:05.640
this is going to come to pass, and it hasn't.

383
00:20:05.680 --> 00:20:08.480
And guess what. You know what, it's never going to happen.

384
00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:12.240
That dream that they sold you a long time ago,

385
00:20:12.799 --> 00:20:16.720
it isn't going to happen. You have to let that go.

386
00:20:17.119 --> 00:20:19.200
And the only way you can let that go is

387
00:20:19.319 --> 00:20:25.440
living in clarity, living in reality, living in sobriety. That

388
00:20:25.599 --> 00:20:28.480
is the only way to let it go. Okay, And

389
00:20:28.519 --> 00:20:31.720
I understand because I've been there where you're dealing with

390
00:20:31.759 --> 00:20:34.839
all this stuff in your life and you're really sad

391
00:20:34.920 --> 00:20:38.119
and people aren't being totally honest with you or transparent

392
00:20:38.200 --> 00:20:40.759
with you, and you're getting sad about it, and so

393
00:20:40.880 --> 00:20:42.839
you go have a glass of wine or you go

394
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have a drink, and then you get sadder about it

395
00:20:45.160 --> 00:20:47.000
and you have another glass of wine or you have

396
00:20:47.039 --> 00:20:51.720
another drink, and that doesn't work because it makes things bad. Right,

397
00:20:52.079 --> 00:20:55.799
you get super emotional and you're not seeing things clearly

398
00:20:56.039 --> 00:20:58.880
when you need to be seeing. Hey, okay, let's look

399
00:20:58.920 --> 00:21:01.160
at the track record. Let's look at the you know,

400
00:21:01.240 --> 00:21:03.960
let's look at the profit loss. Okay, this person's been

401
00:21:03.960 --> 00:21:06.599
saying this for how long and it's never come to fruition.

402
00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:10.920
It's never once happened. It's never once happened. So when

403
00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:15.039
is it ever gonna happen? Okay? That's the key. And

404
00:21:15.319 --> 00:21:17.480
if you can pull back from the alcohol and drugs

405
00:21:17.519 --> 00:21:19.759
every time that person brings that up, because they bring

406
00:21:19.799 --> 00:21:23.039
it up to pull you back in. Oh, it looks

407
00:21:23.039 --> 00:21:25.519
like somebody is starting to get when that I am

408
00:21:25.559 --> 00:21:28.160
really not who I say I am, or the mask

409
00:21:28.279 --> 00:21:30.039
is coming off. They might be seeing it, or they

410
00:21:30.079 --> 00:21:33.039
seem to not be falling under my spell, you know,

411
00:21:33.119 --> 00:21:37.240
because narcissists create the spell. Where you're you feel like

412
00:21:37.279 --> 00:21:40.119
you're under some sort of witch's spell. And I believe

413
00:21:40.119 --> 00:21:42.359
that that's part of it. You know, it's a sinister

414
00:21:42.559 --> 00:21:46.799
type thing. It's sorcery, but it can only be aided

415
00:21:46.839 --> 00:21:50.319
and embedded by alcohol and drugs and sex. Okay, if

416
00:21:50.359 --> 00:21:53.039
you stop having sex with them, because sex is not

417
00:21:53.319 --> 00:21:56.559
They're not having sex because they love you. They're having

418
00:21:56.640 --> 00:22:00.759
sex to manipulate you. They don't really want, that's not

419
00:22:00.839 --> 00:22:03.519
what they want. They use sex to get your money,

420
00:22:03.880 --> 00:22:06.319
to get you to help them, and to pull you

421
00:22:06.400 --> 00:22:10.599
in and snare you back in. That is the key, Okay,

422
00:22:10.599 --> 00:22:12.319
that's the key. That's the key to the whole deal.

423
00:22:12.319 --> 00:22:14.279
It's the key to the kingdom. As long as you

424
00:22:14.359 --> 00:22:17.000
realize that every time you have sex, you're giving them

425
00:22:17.039 --> 00:22:21.400
your power. Basically, that's what's happening, okay, And that's why

426
00:22:21.839 --> 00:22:24.319
you know. They have sex with you when there's an argument,

427
00:22:24.519 --> 00:22:27.880
they have sex with you, you know, when there's drugs around.

428
00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:30.519
You know, oh, I'll do all these things when this

429
00:22:30.599 --> 00:22:33.720
toff's here, you know, and they program you, and so

430
00:22:33.839 --> 00:22:36.240
you start providing all this stuff because you want this.

431
00:22:36.519 --> 00:22:38.240
But see, the thing is, you'll have sex, but then

432
00:22:38.359 --> 00:22:41.480
right after that you go right back into the messed

433
00:22:41.559 --> 00:22:45.000
up toxic soup that is this relationship. And so if

434
00:22:45.039 --> 00:22:47.279
you can pull back from the alcohol and drugs too,

435
00:22:47.799 --> 00:22:49.960
you can also pull back from the sex because you

436
00:22:50.039 --> 00:22:53.960
start seeing through the sex. I'm just giving you the tools.

437
00:22:54.279 --> 00:22:59.960
I'm giving you the glasses, the honesty glasses, the truth glasses,

438
00:23:00.440 --> 00:23:03.720
the anti toxicity glasses that you need. And those glasses

439
00:23:03.720 --> 00:23:06.599
are called sobriety. Okay. Now, I'm not saying you can't

440
00:23:06.640 --> 00:23:09.440
ever have a glass of line. Okay, ever, now that's

441
00:23:09.440 --> 00:23:11.640
not what I'm saying. But if you're going to do it,

442
00:23:11.680 --> 00:23:14.200
do it in a joyful thing, Do it in a celebration,

443
00:23:14.440 --> 00:23:16.359
Do it in a happy time. Do it when things

444
00:23:16.359 --> 00:23:19.160
are working out in your life. Eliminate it when things

445
00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:23.880
are not working. Remember, it's all about how we feel,

446
00:23:24.000 --> 00:23:26.880
and it's all about what's happening. And the only thing

447
00:23:26.920 --> 00:23:31.480
that we have to, like you know, to safeguard ourselves

448
00:23:31.759 --> 00:23:35.160
is to see the truth. When we don't accept the

449
00:23:35.319 --> 00:23:40.119
truth and we're living in a lie and we're allowing

450
00:23:40.160 --> 00:23:45.200
someone else's lie to basically make up our life, we're

451
00:23:45.200 --> 00:23:47.720
no longer living in our reality anymore. We taken a

452
00:23:47.759 --> 00:23:50.000
back seat. So if you're in a relationship and I

453
00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:51.359
need you to hear I need you to hear me.

454
00:23:51.799 --> 00:23:55.039
If you're in a relationship and you've been buying into

455
00:23:55.160 --> 00:24:00.200
future faking, and you've been buying into a narrative that

456
00:24:00.279 --> 00:24:02.160
this other person has told you, Oh, this is gonna

457
00:24:02.200 --> 00:24:04.079
be our life, and we're gonna do this and that

458
00:24:04.200 --> 00:24:06.480
and this and that, we're gonna have babies or or

459
00:24:06.519 --> 00:24:08.759
I'm gonna be this, you know, big time lawyer, or

460
00:24:08.759 --> 00:24:10.440
I'm gonna do this or that or this or that,

461
00:24:10.519 --> 00:24:12.799
and you're buying into that whole thing. Or you're thinking

462
00:24:12.799 --> 00:24:15.839
about being married to this big time lawyer, or you're

463
00:24:15.839 --> 00:24:18.880
thinking about having all these babies and or whatever it is.

464
00:24:18.920 --> 00:24:21.480
But none of that's come to fruition. You know, none

465
00:24:21.480 --> 00:24:23.359
of it's come to fruition. She's never gotten off a

466
00:24:23.440 --> 00:24:25.759
pill and not planning on it. You know, we haven't

467
00:24:25.799 --> 00:24:28.240
even finished law school or even gone to law school.

468
00:24:28.319 --> 00:24:31.160
You see them saying, like, all these things are a

469
00:24:31.200 --> 00:24:35.640
problematic situation. And you also have to look at people,

470
00:24:35.680 --> 00:24:37.720
even if they have their ducks in a row with

471
00:24:37.759 --> 00:24:40.160
certain things. Is this the person you want to have

472
00:24:40.279 --> 00:24:44.119
babies with, even if they have gone to law school?

473
00:24:44.319 --> 00:24:46.640
Do you really is it the person? Is this the

474
00:24:46.680 --> 00:24:49.119
person you really love? Or is it just the idea

475
00:24:50.319 --> 00:24:53.519
of being married to this hot powered lawyer? Right? And

476
00:24:53.559 --> 00:24:55.759
I want you to think about that, because one, they're

477
00:24:55.799 --> 00:24:58.400
not a high powered lawyer yet. Two, you know, you

478
00:24:58.480 --> 00:25:00.880
got all this other stuff going on. Three, you're buying

479
00:25:00.880 --> 00:25:03.200
into this future faking in four let's just say it

480
00:25:03.240 --> 00:25:05.319
does happen. Is this really the love of your life?

481
00:25:05.400 --> 00:25:08.319
Or is this is just a narrative that you're buying into.

482
00:25:08.400 --> 00:25:10.720
I'm gonna have this power or this wealth. And I

483
00:25:10.839 --> 00:25:13.200
do need you to sit back because remember, alcohol and

484
00:25:13.279 --> 00:25:18.960
drugs color things in a way that is kind of sidious, right,

485
00:25:19.000 --> 00:25:20.759
It colors things in a way that you know, you

486
00:25:21.279 --> 00:25:23.200
think about it. You've had alcohol where you're at a

487
00:25:23.200 --> 00:25:24.759
party and you're hanging out, you drink too much and

488
00:25:24.799 --> 00:25:26.680
you feel like all these people are your best friends.

489
00:25:26.839 --> 00:25:31.319
They don't even know you, they don't even know you.

490
00:25:31.319 --> 00:25:32.880
You know what I'm saying, Like, you can have drugs

491
00:25:32.880 --> 00:25:34.559
and you can take drugs and you can hang out.

492
00:25:35.079 --> 00:25:36.720
You can hang out with people and take a bunch

493
00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:39.680
of drugs and think that they you know, they you know,

494
00:25:39.720 --> 00:25:41.799
they're my best friend. Oh my god, this is my

495
00:25:41.880 --> 00:25:45.880
best friend. No, they don't. They are not your best friend, Okay.

496
00:25:46.119 --> 00:25:49.359
And so drugs and alcohol can make us believe things

497
00:25:49.480 --> 00:25:52.079
that are not true. Drugs and alcohol can make us

498
00:25:52.079 --> 00:25:54.599
believe things that are inaccurate. And that's where I want

499
00:25:54.599 --> 00:25:56.119
you to think about it is if you can step

500
00:25:56.160 --> 00:25:59.279
back from having that in your life, you can see

501
00:25:59.400 --> 00:26:03.160
through the narratives, you can see through the manipulation, you

502
00:26:03.200 --> 00:26:05.559
can call out the gas slighting. You don't have to

503
00:26:05.640 --> 00:26:09.039
question yourself anymore because you can see it for what

504
00:26:09.200 --> 00:26:12.519
it is. And that's something that I am. I'm personally doing.

505
00:26:12.640 --> 00:26:15.079
I don't talk about things that I'm not currently doing

506
00:26:15.319 --> 00:26:19.599
and I'm not doing. Sobriety is key. This is key

507
00:26:19.920 --> 00:26:23.319
to your happiness. It is key to solving your issues.

508
00:26:23.640 --> 00:26:27.039
It is key to seeing your truth. And the more

509
00:26:27.079 --> 00:26:28.640
that you can get there, and the more you can

510
00:26:28.680 --> 00:26:30.839
work to get there, it shows your body that you care.

511
00:26:31.480 --> 00:26:34.799
It brings more self esteem to you. It makes you

512
00:26:34.839 --> 00:26:37.640
feel better about yourself because you're doing something good for yourself.

513
00:26:37.839 --> 00:26:41.799
And guess what you're you're finally realizing kind of you know,

514
00:26:42.279 --> 00:26:44.839
the situation that's over you. It's like apartheid. You know,

515
00:26:44.880 --> 00:26:47.680
you're like you're like being pushed down and beaten down

516
00:26:47.799 --> 00:26:51.200
by the alcohol and drugs, and you're also buying into

517
00:26:51.240 --> 00:26:54.000
the false reality that this other person is telling you,

518
00:26:54.440 --> 00:26:57.519
or you're buying more into your false reality believing, Oh,

519
00:26:57.519 --> 00:26:59.200
I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life,

520
00:26:59.279 --> 00:27:02.640
or I'm never gonna have somebody drink, drink, drain, drink, drink, drink.

521
00:27:02.720 --> 00:27:04.680
Oh I'm gonna be solon and I better hold on

522
00:27:04.720 --> 00:27:07.319
to this person for deer, for deer life, because I'm

523
00:27:07.319 --> 00:27:10.279
not gonna have anybody drink, drink, drink, smoke some weed, whatever,

524
00:27:10.599 --> 00:27:14.680
and keep affirming that horrible negative narrative that's not true.

525
00:27:15.880 --> 00:27:18.519
Anybody can find anybody. You will find somebody, don't worry

526
00:27:18.519 --> 00:27:20.359
about it. But you're not gonna find somebody if you're

527
00:27:20.400 --> 00:27:23.440
tangled up in a major toxic relationship doing a bunch

528
00:27:23.440 --> 00:27:26.039
of drugs and alcohol. First off, you're tangled up. You

529
00:27:26.119 --> 00:27:28.079
got no time because you're too busy dealing with the

530
00:27:28.119 --> 00:27:31.359
toxicity too. Anybody that's healthy is going to see this

531
00:27:31.480 --> 00:27:33.759
shit and they're gonna see it as a shit show

532
00:27:33.799 --> 00:27:35.799
that it is, and they're gonna run if they're healthy,

533
00:27:36.079 --> 00:27:40.359
because they don't want to deal with drugs and alcohol addiction. Okay,

534
00:27:40.359 --> 00:27:42.839
they're gonna run, they're gonna see you, they're gonna love you,

535
00:27:42.920 --> 00:27:45.440
they're gonna care about you. But this is a big

536
00:27:45.519 --> 00:27:49.240
red flag, okay. And so you're already dealing with the

537
00:27:49.279 --> 00:27:52.799
toxicity of the current relationship, right, And so you don't

538
00:27:52.839 --> 00:27:55.599
have a lot of bandwidth too. You know, you're already

539
00:27:55.680 --> 00:27:58.640
like in PTSD mode. And three you're on drugs and alcohol.

540
00:27:59.119 --> 00:28:02.200
Not a good combination. It's the only way to really

541
00:28:02.279 --> 00:28:04.640
move on is to first let go of the drugs

542
00:28:04.640 --> 00:28:08.920
and alcohol. Right, This is step one. Two, get sober

543
00:28:08.960 --> 00:28:12.480
for a while. Three, see your spouse significant others who

544
00:28:12.559 --> 00:28:16.079
they really are. Four eliminate the future faking and see

545
00:28:16.119 --> 00:28:18.960
them as not being honest with you. Five. Stop buying

546
00:28:18.960 --> 00:28:22.599
into the narrative. Six, start seeing your value, Start putting

547
00:28:22.599 --> 00:28:25.319
out there, start seeing your value. Start working on yourself. Seven,

548
00:28:25.559 --> 00:28:28.359
start building up your self esteem. Eight, Realize there is

549
00:28:28.400 --> 00:28:32.279
somebody for everybody. And nine start building up yourself seeing

550
00:28:32.319 --> 00:28:35.279
your own self worth. And when you're clear headed, you

551
00:28:35.359 --> 00:28:39.000
can move on with grace and ease. Right, this is

552
00:28:39.039 --> 00:28:41.400
the key. I hope that this has helped you. Please

553
00:28:41.440 --> 00:28:44.200
share this with anybody going through this because if they're

554
00:28:44.200 --> 00:28:46.160
going through it, they're going through a very tough time

555
00:28:46.200 --> 00:28:50.400
in their life. They're not they're missing themselves. They're lost

556
00:28:50.480 --> 00:28:53.799
themselves right, and they're in a situation that the quicker

557
00:28:53.839 --> 00:28:55.799
they can get out of it, the quicker they can

558
00:28:55.799 --> 00:28:59.839
find themselves, the quicker they can actually find truth, honesty,

559
00:29:00.079 --> 00:29:05.160
and unconditional love away from the circus and addiction. Check

560
00:29:05.160 --> 00:29:07.680
out the YouTube channel go to life coach Ashley Burgess.

561
00:29:07.759 --> 00:29:10.440
Check out the channel. If you can, please subscribe new

562
00:29:10.519 --> 00:29:13.480
video content up at least twice a week. If you'd

563
00:29:13.519 --> 00:29:15.519
like to work with me, go to Ashley Burgess dot

564
00:29:15.559 --> 00:29:18.799
com go to the coaching page and just click on

565
00:29:18.839 --> 00:29:20.799
it and set up a time right there. I look

566
00:29:20.799 --> 00:29:22.720
forward to working with you. I look forward to meeting

567
00:29:22.759 --> 00:29:24.480
with you. And in the meantime, thank you for tuning

568
00:29:24.519 --> 00:29:28.240
into the podcast and you've heard another live episode of

569
00:29:28.279 --> 00:29:31.839
the Ashley Burgess Podcast. Stick with me. I'll see you

570
00:29:31.880 --> 00:29:35.000
next week. Have a great afternoon. Don't forget to live

571
00:29:35.039 --> 00:29:41.759
your true life.