Childhood Lost: The Effects of Living with a BPD Parent [Ep.773]

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You're in a good place now.
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgess.

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Welcome back live to Literature Life Perspectives, and I'm your host, Ashley

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Burgess. When we were growing up, some of us didn't know what was

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going on. We had no idea
what was going on with mom or dad

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or both. It was confusing.
Their moods were up and down, Their

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attitudes were constantly different. You didn't
know what to expect any given day.

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Sometimes it was the most amazing conversation
and relationship and they seemed so loving,

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whereas sometimes they were completely dismissive or
completely cold, or even hostile or angry.

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And it was very confusing to understand
which version of them that you were

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going to get that particular day,
that particular night, or whatever the situation

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was. And going through that as
a child is very hard because we don't

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understand. Nobody sits there and tells
us what we're dealing with. Nobody goes,

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hey, by the way, this
is what's going on. This is

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what you're dealing with, this is
the situation. We just don't get that.

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And so as we go through it, and we fuddle and muddle and

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do whatever we do, and we
walk on eggshells and we try to understand,

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but we try to put two and
two together, but we still don't

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really get it. And throughout the
process, we begin to morph and change

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to be a different person, to
be the child that we feel like mom

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or dad wants to try to fit
in, to try to be that person

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taking care of them, and it's
almost like we lose our childhood in the

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process, which I think many of
you will agree that when you were growing

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up, it was very challenging because
it felt like your childhood wasn't existent.

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And the reason why it felt like
it wasn't existent is just because, well,

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honestly, you were having to take
care of your parents more than your

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parents were taking care of you.
And if you kind of get the idea

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of where I'm going here, many
of us had no idea that there was

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anything called cluster b We had no
idea what anything about borderline personality disorder was

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or BPD. All these things,
well, well they were quite foreign to

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us. We didn't take a psychology
class when we were seven or eight,

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or five or four or ten or
twelve, so we didn't know what we

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were doing. We didn't know what
we were dealing with. We just knew

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that mom or dad was up and
down and all around and some days they

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were the life of the party and
others, well, not so much.

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And it's interesting when we get raised
in an environment with a parent that has,

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you know, signs and symptoms of
BPD, we don't realize not only

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the impact that it has on our
day to day life, which we get

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that we understand that, you know, Friday was a good day, but

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Saturday was a bad day. We
understand that when we came home from school

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on Monday night, it wasn't good
at all. And then we understood that

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Tuesday was a different story. And
then on vacations, well that was a

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totally different story. Mom or Dad
were completely different. They were totally cool

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and fun to be around, the
exact opposite of how they normally are,

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or they were the opposite. They
were great to be around until you went

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on vacation, and then Mom hid
herself somewhere in the room and never came

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out and just sat there and read
away from everybody else and didn't want to

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talk to anybody on vacation. So
it was very extreme in the situations that

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took place, the impact that it
had on us in the situation was well,

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we got more and more codependent.
We tried to help, We tried

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to be there, We tried to
own their emotions because we felt like,

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Okay, if I got an A
on this test, they're going to be

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in a lot better mood. Or
if I come home and I do the

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dishes, well, that might actually
make things better. Or maybe I don't

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say anything about how my day was
and I stay quiet, or maybe I

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just sit in my room today and
work on my computer and come out briefly

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to grab some food and go back
into my room because I don't want to

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have any sort of argument. And
so we go through our childhood, growing

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up, getting into high school doing
this constantly, following this kind of well

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unspoken practice really about how to deal
with things and how to mitigate life,

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and that becomes second nature, It
becomes our first nature, and that's what

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we begin to live by. That's
how we live our life, that's how

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we live our situation. And we
take that into college, and we take

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that into our adult life, and
we take that into our adult relationships,

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and we take that into our relationship
with our significant other or partner, and

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or even into our marriage. We
take all this in there. And it's

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interesting how when we're raised by a
parent or both parents that HAVEVPD signs and

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symptoms. It's interesting how we have
a tendency of meeting people that we get

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into relationships with that also have signs
and symptoms of BPD. And it's interesting

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because we don't really think about it. Most of us don't put two and

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two together to figure out what we're
dealing with. We just know, Wow,

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this seems really familiar, or this
seems very similar, or I feel

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I feel well, it just seems
normal. This seems like a normal situation.

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I feel normal about this relationship.
I feel like it's almost like I've

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been here before. Well you have
been there before, but you just don't

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put two and two together. And
so in today's podcast, I want to

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talk about that, how it is
to be raised by someone with BPD,

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how it is to deal with that
as an adult. I mean, you

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know, that's the real, the
real, you know, situation is you

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know, what does it do to
us? How does it affect us?

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What are the choices we make based
on these situations? I mean, this

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is very profound stuff here, because
many of us are dealing with this right

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now. We're dealing with it right
now. We're in a situation where we

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realize that we have surrounded ourselves.
We're in a relationship with someone that has

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signs and symptoms of BPD. We
might be in a relationship with someone has

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signs and symptoms of MPD narcissistic personality
disorder. And we're dealing with this,

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and we found that we are very
codependent. We're trying to take care of

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them, owning their owning their feelings. They come to us. They come

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from the victim reality. Oh you
know, oh, all this is against

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me or I don't have this,
or I don't have that, or you're

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not doing this for me, or
you're not doing that for me, and

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you start owning this. Oh gosh, I gotta do this. I gotta

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take care of that. I gotta
do this, I gotta do that.

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If I don't do this, they're
gonna be upset with me. If I

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don't take care of this, you
know, all hell is gonna be paid.

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You know, if I don't get
home at a certain time, you

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know, I'm you know, it's
we're not gonna have dinner together, or

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I'm gonna get the silent treatment,
or I'm gonna get yelled out all night,

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or we're gonna have to deal with
you know, for every ammunition where

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that one thing that I did,
you know, two years ago, is

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gonna be throwing in my face for
the next six hours, and then they're

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gonna follow me around the house and
not allow me to go to sleep,

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and I have important meetings in the
morning that I can't miss. Okay,

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so many of you have been there, you know what I'm talking about.

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Also, the rage and the anger, we've seen it. If you were

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dealt with it, you know,
with your mom or dad and you saw

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her, you know, throw everything
off the kitchen counter, or you saw

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her throw everything off her bathroom count
or you saw a dad do something or

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what have you, and you see
this as constant like outbursts and rage,

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it can be very overwhelming. And
then you might be in a relationship right

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now where you see it on a
constant basis. Maybe it's a little more

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muted, maybe it's not as extreme, maybe it's even more extreme that what

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you were used to growing up.
All these things are very interesting, and

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so the impact that it has on
us is is very It's it's very it's

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very important to know, it's very
important to understand, and it really is

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right in our face. And so, you know, as we think about

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this stuff, it's interesting. And
I remember, you know, growing up,

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and and you know, all of
us remember our some parts of our

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childhood, you know, And and
and I remember a lot of confusion.

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I remember a lot of confusion and
not understanding things and trying to figure out

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trying to put two and two together, and not understanding why there was this

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problem or issue, and not understanding
what the response was here or why the

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response was like that, and and
being confused. And and I remember that

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confusion very well. And I've had
that confusion in my adult life with people

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I've dated and relationships I've had and
friends I've had where there's a lot of

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confusion. And it's very similar to
the confusion I had. And I put

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two and two together pretty quickly because
you know, obviously what I do for

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a living, but also you know
all the research I've done over all this

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lifetime and compiled and now, you
know, I realized pretty much early on

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when I was in college what I
was dealing with, you know, And

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I started slowly realizing it more and
more and more and then and then you

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know, but I but I wasn't
seeing it. I was blinded to seeing

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the impact it had as far as
the people that I had in my life,

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the people I was bringing to me
in my life, the choices I

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had when it came to relationships,
the people I was choosing to be in

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relationships with. All these things I
don't I wasn't really heavily focusing on.

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And you know, when you look
back at that, you're like, wow,

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I was like, right in my
face, you know, I totally

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picked somebody obviously doesn't look like them, doesn't have you know, but I

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picked somebody that's very similar in nature
to be in a relationship with and having

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lots and lots of problems with,
but being in that situation and having those

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fights and arguments and dealing with that
stuff and having that as second nature,

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I mean, and actually being used
to it, and being used to the

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argument and being used to the fights, and being used to this and and

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responding back and getting triggered by it
and on those those triggers from childhood,

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right, the triggers from childhood that
enter into our adult relationships, and and

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it's like not even that it's it's
funny. It's not funny actually, but

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it's wild. How you know,
how triggering things can be that we didn't

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deal with in childhood, how triggering
things can be, how overwhelming those things

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can be, and how you know
you're in a relationship and it's like it's

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like they're pussing all the same buttons, you know, And it's because of

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those those tendencies that they have,
that fear of abandonment, you know,

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that that basically out of side,
out of mind concept too, where I

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mean it's it's really about them.
They're constantly trying to process their own emotions

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and they can't really process or help
with our emotions. And growing up was

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tough, I'm sure because if you
were having a challenging day or going through

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things, mom or dad probably wasn't
there for you, and you probably had

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to put your feelings on the back
burner. You probably had put your feelings

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on the back burner a lot,
if not always, And that's a big

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caveat and that's something you've probably dealt
with all your life. And in this

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relationship where all your feelings are on
the back burner, that other person in

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the relationship you're in You're constantly taking
care of them, placating them, helping

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them, helping them deal with their
stress and anxiety, helping them deal with

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their fear, you know, calming
them down, trying to rationalize with them,

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trying to play Kate, trying to
calm them, you know. And

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then you have these good moments where
you're like, wow, I mean,

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yeah, they were in such a
great mood yesterday, it was so great.

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We had so much fun. And
then the next day you wake up

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and you know you're a jackass and
you can do nothing right, and you

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know, it's a back and forth
thing, you know, and it's a

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I have a friend of mine that
calls it like the turning the flipping of

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a switch. You go from on
and off, on and off, and

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you know, it's it's it is
what it is. I mean, that's

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a good way of you know,
talking about it to some degree. But

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you know, when we look at
the situation, you know, we are

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in that situation, we understand what
it's like, and we're not really prepared.

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And because we have been in it
throughout our whole life, that's what

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actually adds even more problems to it. And what I mean by that is,

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think about it. If you were
not exposed to that growing up,

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you weren't used to that situation,
that response, that attitude that way,

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you wouldn't be ready for that in
another relationship, if somebody came at you

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with that, you'd be like,
what is this? What's going on here?

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What do you got going on here? And why am I supposed to

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help you? Why am I supposed
to make this better? Why am I

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being triggered by this? So because
you wouldn't be triggered by it one too,

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you wouldn't even understand it. So
if somebody's coming to you with a

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victim reality telling you that you're the
reason for all their problems, if this

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was something new for you and you
weren't raised around this, you wouldn't even

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know how to. You probably would
be like, what are you talking about?

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This is absolutely absurd. It wouldn't
even register for you. It wouldn't

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trigger you at all because it would
seem so absurd. So you understand,

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like it'd be like being raised by
full on narcissists and then continuing to enter

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into relationships with narcissists. They're going
to trigger you because of their problems and

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issues they're going to trigger you because
of what they do, because of this

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resonating from childhood and how much pain
and suffering you had. However, if

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you hadn't been raised around narcissists,
you wouldn't even understand why this person is

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acting like this, or how they
even get away with this, or why

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do they even act like they're superior
to everybody else. But yet you know,

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why is this happening? You would
be like, it would be so

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foreign to you that you would probably
have to step back and let it go.

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It would be so foreign to you
that you would step back and say,

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hey, I'm not not interested,
not getting involved with this. I'm

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gonna move on in my life.
But what happens is because it's our norm,

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because we're used to it, because
we've had it in our life.

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It seems normal to us, and
so we accept this reality in our life.

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And by accepting this reality in our
life, we continue to go through

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the cycle pattern of what we dealt
with when we were a child, and

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we continue to do it over and
over again, and we do it in

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different relationships. Many of you are
married to somebody that you you know,

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it seemed very it seemed very comfortable
when you met. It's almost like you

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known each other forever. But it
wasn't necessarily that you knew that person forever.

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It was that you've known these types
of antics and these types of attitudes

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and these types of things. And
so when we return, we talking more

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about that, more about the impact
of having a family member mom and dad

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with BPD and how that impacts she
as an adult. Stay tuned Liberature Life

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Perspectives with your host me Ashley Burgers
will be back in I'll be back this

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time and two shakes, turn it
up and jump in the deep end on

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Perspectives. Now here's Ashley. Welcome
back live to Ligaty Life Perspectives and I'm

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your host, Ashley Burgess. On
today's show, I'm talking about the impact

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that having a BPD mom or dad
has on your adult life and how we

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can be literally indoctrinated into it,
becoming extremely codependent in nature, owning other

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people's emotions and feeling as though all
we can do is help or try to

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mitigate or playcate situations. And as
we go through life and we deal with

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this and we go through it,
we have these challenges because we have a

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tendency of finding people that well,
it's just the second nature that we're doing

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the same thing we did growing up. We find someone else, we find

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a wife or a husband, or
a girlfriend a boyfriend to do this with,

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to take care of, you know, to own their emotions, you

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know, to deal with their fear
of abandonment on a constant basis, you

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know, the constant you know,
the kind of the de seit, the

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lies, and the list goes on, and you know, dealing with their

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even their paranoia and their secrecy and
all these different things that happen and the

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inconsistency of communication and the follow through
and all that stuff that we saw as

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a child, you know, growing
up and dealing with was very challenging,

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and you know, going through all
this stuff was extremely challenging, and it

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never you know, especially when you
didn't know what was going on. It

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didn't lend itself to being easy.
When you didn't know what was going on,

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you just had no idea what you
were dealing with. You just had

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no idea the situation and circumstance that
was coming around. And so in these

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situations, you know, it's like
you know now that you're in you know,

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your adults situation and you're married or
in a relationship or what have you.

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You know that it's it's challenging because
now you're like thinking, how did

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I, how did I get into
this? You know, how did I

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find this? And and especially the
the con the consistent and I wouldn't use

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the work consistent, but the up
and downs of emotion, the roller coaster

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of emotion, the changes of mood
that you get, the impulsive behavior that

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you're dealing with, the emotional instability, the anger, the rage, you

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know, all these things, the
intense sadness, the intense feeling of emptiness,

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all these things that go along with
it. And then you're trying to

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mitigate it, calm it down,
trying to help. You know, if

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I'm just there more, you know, that'll be helpful. If I'm just

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around more, If I just take
care of more things, you know,

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if I just play Kate, you
know, if I just go along with

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the drinking or the alcohol or the
drugs or what have you, that it'll

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all work out. You know,
all these things, you know, and

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it's very challenging because you know,
you had this growing up and now you

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have it again, and it's hard
to create any boundaries because well, you

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didn't have any boundaries, then why
would you have boundaries now? And that's

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and how do you go back and
retrofit boundaries. It's really hard. I

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mean you can, but it's really
challenging. But the biggest thing I've found

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is making the changes we need to
make in our own life, augmenting those

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things that we're doing, you know, the things that we're doing to continue

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on placating the situation. And I
think that's one of the biggest things that

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we can learn to change and grow
from as we grow to realize, Okay,

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growing up, I didn't know to
have boundaries. I didn't know that

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I needed boundaries. With my family, my parents, my mom and my

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dad, I didn't understand what they
were dealing with. I didn't understand what

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I was dealing with. I didn't
give myself any room to be able to

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have emotions. I didn't I didn't
give my I didn't have a childhood.

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I wasn't given a childhood. I
put my childhood on the back burner to

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try to help this parent, to
try to help them with their emotions,

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you know, and these this is
all very interesting because it comes full circle

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in the relationship you're in, it
comes full circle and you're dealing with it

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in your current situation probably or have
dealt with it or divorced the situation had

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moved on, and then trying to
figure out and picking up the pieces of

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your own idea identity. If we
were raised by you know, parents with

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borderline tendencies, they didn't have a
lot of a sense of identity. Their

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identity was with who they were with. So their identity was, you know,

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very strong with the person they were
married to or together with, so

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you know, they kind of morphed
and changed based on who they felt like

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they needed to be to get into
where, you know, to get in

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to fit in. And so that
can be really challenging too because you might

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feel as though you didn't really know
mom or dad, You didn't really have

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an idea of who they were,
You didn't really know them, and they

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could have also been very extremely secretive
as well, and sometimes they just didn't

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know they don't really have a good
gauge of who they are, and then

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also maybe hiding part of their life
as well. So stay tuned and going

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to talk more about that, the
impact of having a BPD mom or dad,

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how that impacts you in your adult
life. Now stay tuned Liberatry Life

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00:18:48.599 --> 00:18:52.000
Perspectives with your host me, Ashley
Burgers, will be back in I'll be

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00:18:52.039 --> 00:18:56.039
back this time. You know it. I'll be back this time in two

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00:18:56.200 --> 00:19:11.960
shakes. This is Jake Busing and
you're listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burges.

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Welcome back live to look at your
life Perspectives and I'm your host, Ashley

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Burgess. On today's show, have
been talking about BPD parents and the impact

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they have in our adult lives and
how this can really disrupt our lives and

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really get us on a path of
dealing with other folks with BPD signs and

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symptoms and feeling as though it's second
nature. You know, Oh my gosh,

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I feel like this is like a
twin flame or a connection or what

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have you, a soulmate. But
is it really that or is it just

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familiarity, familiarity of the approach on
life, the ups and downs, the

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cycle patterns of energy, happiness to
sadness, you know, the inappropriate anger

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of the depression, all those types
of things that go along with it.

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And you know, it's interesting because
it really does impact us. We allow

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things in our life based on what
we have experience. You know, like

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I was saying earlier, if we
haven't experience that, it's really challenging because

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it wouldn't be something that would come
second nature, it wouldn't become something that

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was triggering. It wouldn't be something
that seemed normal to us. Remember,

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it's like, you know, if
you if you were raised in a household

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that was very healthy, for example, and you know, there wasn't this

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type of dynamic. You know,
if you had this dynamic and a relationship,

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it would kind of come so far
out of left field you wouldn't really

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understand how to deal with it.
You wouldn't really be able to process it,

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and you'd be really, you know, questioning the direction you're going.

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However, when we've been around it
before, it seems very familiar, and

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you know, we don't realize that. You know, the toxicity is what

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is familiar to us, That toxicity
of dealing with it in that in that

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inconsistency and in the process of having
inconsistency, you know, those ups and

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downs, in those psychle patterns.
You know, when you're when you're dealing

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with like a parent, they can
go from loving to cold loving to hostile,

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loving to dismissive, and in that
process, as a child, you

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don't really understand what's happening. You
know. All you think is, oh,

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I must have done something wrong because
they're treating me like this, because

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I guess if I was a good
kid, you know, they would treat

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me okay. And so yes,
now we know, looking back as an

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adult, wow, that was really
messed up that I took that on and

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thought that. But also remember that
stuff that gets ingrained into your subconscious right,

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and that's stuff that lives with you
until you really work it out with

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like somebody like me, life coach
or therapists or what have you, to

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really understand how to get to the
nitty gritty on that, because otherwise you

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take it into the next relationship and
you don't even realize it, and that

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person is acting cold to you and
you try to bend over backwards and do

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all these things for them, and
it's not enough. Maybe they start acting

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hostile to you and you start trying
to play kid or bow down or walk

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on eggshells. You know, maybe
they're super dismissive with you and you're trying

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00:21:49.279 --> 00:21:53.160
to get their attention and going at
various levels to get their attention and it's

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not working, and you're beating your
head against the wall and trying to figure

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00:21:56.279 --> 00:22:02.039
that out. So all these things
are definitely situation and circumstances that are around

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that. And I feel like that
in general is kind of the situation where

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when you get into a relationship and
like, for example, when somebody is

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dismissive with you, it can be
very triggering. When somebody doesn't seem to

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have time for you, it can
be very triggering because you remember what happened

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when you were a child and going
through childhood and the experiences you had,

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00:22:22.519 --> 00:22:25.599
and it's not fun and it's very
triggering. So not only is it triggering

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that this person is doing to this
in real time, but it's also retro

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going back to the past and remembering
these things as well, which is also

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double triggering and very hard to deal
with because it's hard to process all that

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anger and resentment and stuff that you
have about the situation, not only currently,

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but the past situation and the impact
that the past situation and the past

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relationship has on your current relationship.
And you know, it's interesting because as

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kids, you know, we really
didn't know what we were dealing with.

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We had no idea. It's not
like we knew that. Okay, you

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00:22:55.319 --> 00:22:57.400
know mom or dad had this and
it's cluster b and it's this type of

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00:22:57.440 --> 00:23:02.240
situation and these are the symptoms and
this is what you can expect. Like

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you didn't get like the owner's manual
here to try to understand this. You

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00:23:04.599 --> 00:23:07.960
were just kind of thrown into it, and then you just kind of try

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to figure it out, right,
And I think some of us, you

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00:23:10.440 --> 00:23:12.359
know, are the same thing in
the marriages and the relationships. You're kind

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00:23:12.359 --> 00:23:15.799
of thrown into it and then you
kind of just like try to figure it

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00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:18.359
out, and you don't really you
don't have any knowledge. You don't really

359
00:23:18.440 --> 00:23:21.640
understand. You're kind of just fuddling
through it, futzing through the situation,

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00:23:21.799 --> 00:23:26.640
hoping that you find some sort of
solution to the situation and just not knowing.

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And one day, you know,
you play Kate and it works,

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and you try it again the next
day and that doesn't work, or you

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00:23:32.160 --> 00:23:34.000
try to be quiet and that doesn't
work, or you know, you know,

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00:23:34.039 --> 00:23:37.759
you try not to respond back,
but they keep following you around,

365
00:23:37.799 --> 00:23:40.480
They're right behind you. You know, they're like they won't let you go

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00:23:40.559 --> 00:23:42.440
into a room by yourself, you
know, all those types of things are

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00:23:42.480 --> 00:23:45.160
going on, and it seems like
no matter what you're doing, none of

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00:23:45.240 --> 00:23:49.160
it's ever really working. And so
that can be very disheartening for people too,

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00:23:49.319 --> 00:23:52.359
is like, wait, I'm doing
all this stuff, but it's not

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00:23:52.440 --> 00:23:56.319
working. I'm doing everything and I'm
still not getting the results that I want,

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00:23:56.400 --> 00:23:59.640
or I'm still not getting them to
be happy or to be calm,

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or to not cycle in and out
of these patterns. And you know,

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one of the biggest things we have
to realize is that we can't change them.

374
00:24:06.480 --> 00:24:08.319
You know, we can't stop them
from cycling in and out of patterns

375
00:24:08.319 --> 00:24:11.279
no matter what we do, no
matter what we say, Yes, we

376
00:24:11.279 --> 00:24:14.440
can be kind, you know,
we don't have to be mean, but

377
00:24:14.519 --> 00:24:18.119
we can't change this. We can't
stop them. We don't have the power

378
00:24:18.319 --> 00:24:22.160
over their emotions to do that.
We just don't have it. And it's

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unfortunate that we even think we do. And that's a problematic situation because we

380
00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:29.839
go through the cycle pattern like we
did as a kid, thinking Okay,

381
00:24:29.960 --> 00:24:30.880
if I do this, or I
do that, or maybe I don't go

382
00:24:30.920 --> 00:24:33.920
out with my friends, or I
come home early from school or whatever I

383
00:24:34.000 --> 00:24:38.039
do, this will help, It
doesn't help, And so we start living

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00:24:38.039 --> 00:24:41.440
that throughout our adult life, even
with even some friends. We probably have

385
00:24:41.519 --> 00:24:45.200
some friends that have BPD signs and
symptoms, and you get your you catch

386
00:24:45.240 --> 00:24:48.200
yourself, you know, like only
hearing from them when they need something,

387
00:24:48.359 --> 00:24:52.839
or only hearing from them when you
know they're feeling as though abandonment or they're

388
00:24:52.839 --> 00:24:56.400
wanting to make sure that you're still
there for them. You know. Also

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00:24:56.480 --> 00:24:59.359
you might have, you know,
you might be in a situation with a

390
00:24:59.400 --> 00:25:03.920
relationship where somebody is very distrustful of
people, very paranoid, and that's definitely

391
00:25:03.960 --> 00:25:06.559
a byproduct as well, and so
you may be used to that, even

392
00:25:06.599 --> 00:25:07.920
though if you weren't used to that, and you hadn't been raised in that

393
00:25:07.960 --> 00:25:12.400
situation, that paranoia would seem so
odd and so off base. And again,

394
00:25:12.440 --> 00:25:15.880
you know, these are interesting things
because a lot of this stuff,

395
00:25:15.960 --> 00:25:19.200
especially the rage and the cycling of
happiness to sadness, anger, the splitting.

396
00:25:19.480 --> 00:25:22.839
The splitting is the biggest thing is
like you know, like I was

397
00:25:22.880 --> 00:25:23.799
saying, my friend says, it's
like a light switch. I mean,

398
00:25:25.279 --> 00:25:27.680
you know, the appropriate word is
that is really is really splitting. But

399
00:25:27.759 --> 00:25:32.519
in the situation. But you know, the splitting is just so you know,

400
00:25:32.839 --> 00:25:36.279
it's so challenging because you go from
somebody that you know wants to be

401
00:25:36.319 --> 00:25:38.680
around you, who's happy you're there, to somebody that really actually is very

402
00:25:38.759 --> 00:25:42.079
angry and upset with you, and
it's really sad, and you start owning

403
00:25:42.119 --> 00:25:45.440
that, and you start owning that
feeling, and you start feeling bad about

404
00:25:45.440 --> 00:25:48.599
the situation, You start feeling bad
about them, you start feeling bad about

405
00:25:48.640 --> 00:25:52.079
yourself, you start really getting down
on yourself and down on the relationship.

406
00:25:52.160 --> 00:25:56.640
And this is really really tragic and
painful to deal with. And so as

407
00:25:56.680 --> 00:26:00.839
we process this and go through that, you know, it's like being able

408
00:26:00.880 --> 00:26:04.079
to understand that and see that and
these are the things that we find ourselves

409
00:26:04.079 --> 00:26:08.400
in. We find ourselves in these
relationships dealing with somebody that's super moody and

410
00:26:08.440 --> 00:26:15.680
having tantrums and being childlike and accepting
that kind of behavior because honestly, you

411
00:26:15.680 --> 00:26:18.960
know, if you turn it around
and you flip the script, I mean,

412
00:26:18.960 --> 00:26:21.960
they wouldn't accept that behavior from you. They would not accept it.

413
00:26:22.000 --> 00:26:26.480
And so you're accepting all this bad, negative, toxic behavior in an effort

414
00:26:26.519 --> 00:26:30.160
to calm them down. And and
I think the beginning too, is if

415
00:26:30.200 --> 00:26:33.359
you think about it, a lot
of you when you started in these relationships.

416
00:26:33.640 --> 00:26:36.559
You know, we're dealing with what
I call the pedestal phase where they

417
00:26:36.599 --> 00:26:38.839
put you on a pedestal and you
could do no wrong. And you needed

418
00:26:38.839 --> 00:26:41.920
that because growing up was so challenging, you know, with your parents,

419
00:26:41.920 --> 00:26:47.079
and then the codependency and having somebody
like really see you know, it seemed

420
00:26:47.079 --> 00:26:51.279
to see you as this amazing person
and you're like, wow, this person

421
00:26:51.359 --> 00:26:53.279
actually sees me. It's hees my
value. This is like the first time

422
00:26:53.319 --> 00:26:56.359
ever and guess what, bam,
you know, here we go. And

423
00:26:56.519 --> 00:27:00.599
and you didn't really you kind of
fell into it because it felt good and

424
00:27:00.640 --> 00:27:03.960
it felt great that somebody actually knew
who you were or had an idea of

425
00:27:04.000 --> 00:27:07.359
your value. But you didn't realize
this is kind of the beginning of how

426
00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:12.480
these relationships start. And that's what's
so challenging about it, because you didn't

427
00:27:12.599 --> 00:27:15.720
have the pedestal phase. I mean, really, you know, as a

428
00:27:15.799 --> 00:27:17.960
child, there's no way to even
remember that. I mean, I'm sure

429
00:27:17.960 --> 00:27:19.279
when you were a kid, you
really they were like, oh my god,

430
00:27:19.279 --> 00:27:22.400
this is amazing, our child,
Look at our child. Our trial

431
00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:25.680
is so amazing. Then over time, right, things change, but we're

432
00:27:25.720 --> 00:27:27.759
too young to really understand that.
I think some of you might have memories

433
00:27:27.799 --> 00:27:32.000
of very young ages, but some
of us don't. So, you know,

434
00:27:32.119 --> 00:27:34.079
looking at this, most of us
had never experienced the pedestal phase.

435
00:27:34.079 --> 00:27:37.039
And then you start experiencing that and
it's like, wow, this feels really

436
00:27:37.039 --> 00:27:40.319
good. You know, I can't
believe this. This feels really nice.

437
00:27:40.359 --> 00:27:41.960
I like the way I feel,
I like how I feel, I like

438
00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:45.319
how this person's treating me. All
this great stuff, and so again,

439
00:27:47.519 --> 00:27:51.480
this is a very interesting place to
be at. But eventually that feeling and

440
00:27:51.599 --> 00:27:55.759
that treatment and all that goes away
and you start wondering, wow, what

441
00:27:55.880 --> 00:27:57.480
happened here? Where? You know
what happened? You don't know that you

442
00:27:57.480 --> 00:28:00.000
were on a pedestal. You just
thought that they cared and loved you.

443
00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:03.039
You had no idea, right,
even though it was a little overboard.

444
00:28:03.640 --> 00:28:06.880
Okay, it was a little overboard. There was they were going out of

445
00:28:06.880 --> 00:28:08.920
their way to do things for you. It was a lot overboard. You

446
00:28:08.920 --> 00:28:11.519
know, you're doing things that you
know, quite honestly, when you step

447
00:28:11.519 --> 00:28:15.359
back and you really looked at it, it, you know, you couldn't

448
00:28:15.400 --> 00:28:18.759
keep that up for a long period
of time. And so that's what happens

449
00:28:18.799 --> 00:28:22.759
though, And so you get into
that relationship based on the pedestal and then

450
00:28:22.200 --> 00:28:26.680
literally, you know how, many
months after that, eventually the pedestal thing

451
00:28:26.839 --> 00:28:30.279
changes and you're pulled off a pedestal
because of something you did or didn't do.

452
00:28:30.839 --> 00:28:33.799
And in that process, you begin
to see a lot of these signs

453
00:28:33.799 --> 00:28:36.680
and symptoms that maybe were being hidden
and then you start going, oh,

454
00:28:36.759 --> 00:28:38.759
my gosh. And then and then
you start getting triggered by these signs and

455
00:28:38.759 --> 00:28:42.039
symptoms. But the signs and symptoms
seem very normal to you because you've been

456
00:28:42.079 --> 00:28:47.880
around it, you've experienced it growing
up. All these situations seem very normal

457
00:28:47.920 --> 00:28:51.680
to you. And that's a big, big, big caveat of this is

458
00:28:51.680 --> 00:28:55.799
that the more normal it appears,
the more we really have to step back

459
00:28:55.839 --> 00:28:59.880
and look at the parent dynamic to
understand why this appears so normal, Why

460
00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:04.200
does this feels so normal? Why
did I walk into this situation? Aha?

461
00:29:04.240 --> 00:29:07.279
Because of this And I'm not saying
that we want to blame our parents

462
00:29:07.279 --> 00:29:11.319
for all our problems, That's not
what I'm saying, but we need to

463
00:29:11.359 --> 00:29:15.839
get some understanding and recognize what was
really happening in these relationships and understand that

464
00:29:15.920 --> 00:29:19.160
and understand the impact. And many
of you, our parents are still alive,

465
00:29:19.279 --> 00:29:21.839
and you know, we're all like, oh, but they're older.

466
00:29:22.000 --> 00:29:23.559
Yeah, it's fine, they're older. But at the same point, stepping

467
00:29:23.559 --> 00:29:27.319
back and seeing some of their situations, seeing how they respond to you've seen

468
00:29:27.839 --> 00:29:33.799
the issues with the communication, Recognizing
you know, the paranoia, recognizing the

469
00:29:33.839 --> 00:29:41.240
psycho patterns of their emotions, right, recognizing the victim reality, seeing the

470
00:29:41.279 --> 00:29:47.960
codependent side of you even now,
trying to safeguard them, help them do

471
00:29:48.039 --> 00:29:51.119
something for them all the even things
that they are and a lot of things

472
00:29:51.160 --> 00:29:56.759
that they could do on their own
that you're doing for them because you feel

473
00:29:56.759 --> 00:30:00.480
like you have to, because you
feel like you need to because you've always

474
00:30:00.559 --> 00:30:06.599
done it. And that's really the
key here. That's really the key here,

475
00:30:06.640 --> 00:30:10.519
and that's what's so important to recognize
and understand. And so as we

476
00:30:10.599 --> 00:30:14.000
go through this process, we begin
to see, you know, as the

477
00:30:14.039 --> 00:30:18.279
other person is going through their intense
anger, intense sadness, that fear of

478
00:30:18.319 --> 00:30:22.880
abandonment. You know, maybe maybe
even you know, monkey branching a little

479
00:30:22.920 --> 00:30:26.000
bit, you know, maybe you
know they're they're going for there. They're

480
00:30:26.000 --> 00:30:29.440
in a relationship with you, but
they're you know, in other relationships and

481
00:30:29.480 --> 00:30:32.680
doing things in an effort to not
be abandoned, in an effort to have

482
00:30:32.839 --> 00:30:36.119
you know, let go of fear. All these things are happening, you

483
00:30:36.160 --> 00:30:38.599
know, and so it's all very
interesting, these disturbed patterns of thinking,

484
00:30:38.920 --> 00:30:42.359
you know, the chronic loneliness that
they feel, and it doesn't seem like

485
00:30:42.359 --> 00:30:47.039
there's anything you can do to like
fill them up, you know, And

486
00:30:47.039 --> 00:30:49.359
that's not your job. And that's
one of the big things that's so important

487
00:30:49.400 --> 00:30:52.680
to recognize is you might have done
that with your mom or dad, but

488
00:30:52.759 --> 00:30:56.880
this is not your job for other
humans, and it's not your job for

489
00:30:56.960 --> 00:31:00.319
them. It's only your job for
you is to be you and to help

490
00:31:00.400 --> 00:31:03.319
you and to understand your emotions and
your feelings and deal with the things that

491
00:31:03.359 --> 00:31:07.359
you need to deal with. This
is what's so very important, and we

492
00:31:07.480 --> 00:31:11.880
have to eventually take this into consideration
and think about this and allow us to

493
00:31:11.920 --> 00:31:15.480
be so we can begin to operate
from a position of power and understanding in

494
00:31:15.559 --> 00:31:21.519
our life and our relationship with ourselves
and not get sucked into this situation.

495
00:31:21.720 --> 00:31:26.880
Taking care of everybody else in our
lives, and again falling back into the

496
00:31:26.960 --> 00:31:30.519
situation where we're not taking care of
our emotions. We're putting our emotions on

497
00:31:30.559 --> 00:31:34.039
the back burner, we're not dealing
with them, we're not processing them,

498
00:31:34.279 --> 00:31:37.759
we're not dealing with any of that. And this can be very challenging one

499
00:31:37.920 --> 00:31:41.160
too. It can hold us back
from the knowledge we need, It can

500
00:31:41.200 --> 00:31:45.359
hold us back from that emotional connection
we need with ourselves, It can hold

501
00:31:45.400 --> 00:31:49.000
us back from our personal growth.
And all these things happen when we're not

502
00:31:49.079 --> 00:31:52.519
doing what we need to do for
ourselves. And many of you have been

503
00:31:52.559 --> 00:31:56.680
doing this for your entire lifetime.
This is normal for you. You're used

504
00:31:56.680 --> 00:31:59.680
to putting yourself on the back burner. You're used to dealing with this type

505
00:31:59.680 --> 00:32:01.920
of shit. You're used to dealing
with this situation where it's like, Okay,

506
00:32:01.920 --> 00:32:05.359
this is consistent, this is who
I am, and you don't even

507
00:32:05.400 --> 00:32:08.319
realize you're doing it at all.
You don't even realize what's happening. And

508
00:32:08.319 --> 00:32:13.480
that's even scarier because you're going through
life and you're probably having a lot of

509
00:32:13.480 --> 00:32:15.599
stress and a lot of issues and
wondering why is this happening to me?

510
00:32:15.960 --> 00:32:19.440
Why does this keep happening to me? Why am I in these types of

511
00:32:19.480 --> 00:32:22.680
relationships? Why am I dealing with
this? Why is this person being mean

512
00:32:22.759 --> 00:32:27.680
to me? What is happening all
these impacts in all these situations, And

513
00:32:27.839 --> 00:32:32.119
it's definitely important to really grasp and
understand because we can make changes to that

514
00:32:32.680 --> 00:32:37.200
by just beginning to have some boundaries
and saying, Okay, I got to

515
00:32:37.240 --> 00:32:39.599
sit there and realize that one,
I don't own this person's emotions too.

516
00:32:40.359 --> 00:32:45.039
I can't make them happy just because
I do this and maybe it calms them

517
00:32:45.039 --> 00:32:50.359
down in the moment. That's just
me losing my identity more and more and

518
00:32:50.400 --> 00:32:53.680
more and more in an effort to
placate them out of some sort of you

519
00:32:53.720 --> 00:32:57.799
know, some sort of tantrum that
they're going to have. And this is

520
00:32:57.839 --> 00:33:00.480
something I do every day, and
this is and every time we do that,

521
00:33:00.640 --> 00:33:04.240
we lose ourselves. Right, every
time we do that, we begin

522
00:33:04.279 --> 00:33:07.519
to lose parts of ourselves. We
lose ourselves. And just like we did

523
00:33:07.519 --> 00:33:12.640
as a kid, we lost ourselves
and it happens throughout our adult life and

524
00:33:13.240 --> 00:33:15.519
it becomes second nature to us,
which is so challenging, right, because

525
00:33:15.519 --> 00:33:19.160
we don't really catch ourselves doing it, and so we have to take a

526
00:33:19.160 --> 00:33:22.960
step back and really analyze our choices, the things that we're choosing to do,

527
00:33:23.160 --> 00:33:27.160
how we're choosing to act, how
we're choosing to show up. We

528
00:33:27.200 --> 00:33:30.680
have to realize what comes second nature, even if it's unhealthy for us,

529
00:33:30.720 --> 00:33:34.880
and how to begin to put an
end to that, because this is what

530
00:33:35.039 --> 00:33:37.839
is so important, because if we
want to have growth and we want to

531
00:33:37.920 --> 00:33:43.359
learn about ourselves and we want to
actually manage our own life, our own

532
00:33:43.400 --> 00:33:46.359
emotions, and our own feelings and
realize that, no, we don't have

533
00:33:46.440 --> 00:33:50.440
to manage their emotions. No,
we don't have to do that. That

534
00:33:50.559 --> 00:33:53.160
is not part of our job description. We do not have to do that.

535
00:33:53.240 --> 00:33:57.039
I mean, we're not talking about
you know, a dog or a

536
00:33:57.039 --> 00:34:00.440
cat here. You know, your
pet you need to take care of,

537
00:34:00.559 --> 00:34:02.720
you know, feed, love,
care, you know all that stuff,

538
00:34:02.720 --> 00:34:07.720
which is great and you know you
taking care of them is important, but

539
00:34:07.079 --> 00:34:10.159
a human being has to take care
of their own. We can be nice

540
00:34:10.159 --> 00:34:13.519
to them, we can be kind
to them, but all in all,

541
00:34:13.719 --> 00:34:17.679
you know, playcation and ammeshment and
all those things are negative things, negative

542
00:34:17.679 --> 00:34:22.639
aspects of things that we've learned to
do because of the past. Because of

543
00:34:22.679 --> 00:34:25.960
the situation, because of the inconsistencies, because of the cycle patterns, because

544
00:34:25.960 --> 00:34:30.639
of the frustration. All these things
are important to recognize and understand that we're

545
00:34:30.679 --> 00:34:36.159
doing it, and the negative aspect
that it has on our life, the

546
00:34:36.280 --> 00:34:39.760
unhealthy aspect that it has on our
life, and how we have to begin

547
00:34:39.840 --> 00:34:44.320
to get past that. Stay tuned. I have more to talk about right

548
00:34:44.360 --> 00:34:47.000
after this little break, and we'll
come right back with your true Life Perspectives

549
00:34:47.000 --> 00:34:51.400
with your host me Ashley Burgers.
Will be back in well, you know

550
00:34:51.679 --> 00:35:04.400
I'll be back this time. I'll
be back this time in two shakes.

551
00:35:08.800 --> 00:35:15.719
Get in here. You're listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Welcome back live

552
00:35:15.760 --> 00:35:19.639
to look at your life Perspectives,
and I'm your host, Ashley Burgess.

553
00:35:19.679 --> 00:35:22.679
On today's show've been talking about the
impact your BPD parents have on your adult

554
00:35:22.760 --> 00:35:27.519
life and all of your relationships for
that matter, and how you treat yourself.

555
00:35:27.639 --> 00:35:30.800
All of this is very important to
understand because if we hadn't a dealt

556
00:35:30.840 --> 00:35:36.320
with that and growing up around that
environment and with those with people with those

557
00:35:36.320 --> 00:35:39.039
types of signs and symptoms, we
wouldn't be as codependent as we are.

558
00:35:39.280 --> 00:35:44.159
We wouldn't be owning other people's emotions. We wouldn't be doing that sort of

559
00:35:44.159 --> 00:35:47.320
thing because that would be foreign to
us. So if you get anything out

560
00:35:47.360 --> 00:35:52.679
of this particular podcast, it's to
really examine how often you're owning other people's

561
00:35:52.719 --> 00:35:58.599
emotions, other people's feelings, you
know, taking on other people's anger,

562
00:35:59.159 --> 00:36:02.519
taking on their problems. You know, how often are you doing that in

563
00:36:02.559 --> 00:36:07.159
your day to day And this is
very important to understand how often are you

564
00:36:07.199 --> 00:36:13.199
doing it? How often do you
find yourself in this situation? How often

565
00:36:13.400 --> 00:36:19.079
are you, you know, basically
taking this on and you're probably doing it

566
00:36:19.119 --> 00:36:23.280
with your spouse, significant other,
girlfriend, boyfriend, probably a lot of

567
00:36:23.280 --> 00:36:27.679
your friends around you. You might
even been doing it with some of your

568
00:36:27.719 --> 00:36:34.159
employees folks that you work with.
And thinking about it from that perspective and

569
00:36:34.320 --> 00:36:37.599
understanding, okay, wait, this
becomes second nature to me because I've been

570
00:36:37.599 --> 00:36:42.280
around it so long, I've experienced
it for so long. It was part

571
00:36:42.320 --> 00:36:46.480
of my growing up process as a
child, and because of that, I

572
00:36:46.519 --> 00:36:53.360
am completely impacted by it. And
because of that, it seems second nature.

573
00:36:54.800 --> 00:36:58.719
Because think about it, you know, it would be so foreign,

574
00:36:58.760 --> 00:37:00.480
and that's what I think is,
it's so eye opening when you just kind

575
00:37:00.480 --> 00:37:07.039
of think about this and let this
just kind of marinate in your brain and

576
00:37:07.039 --> 00:37:09.599
in your heart, if you know, think about it from this perspective.

577
00:37:10.760 --> 00:37:15.920
If you hadn't been around that growing
up, you wouldn't know how to you

578
00:37:15.960 --> 00:37:20.280
know, Bob and weave. You
wouldn't know how to walk on eggshells,

579
00:37:21.639 --> 00:37:28.000
you wouldn't know how to play kate, you wouldn't know how to calm rage.

580
00:37:28.159 --> 00:37:31.519
And also you wouldn't you It wouldn't
be second nature and you wouldn't just

581
00:37:31.719 --> 00:37:37.559
do it. And that's so impactful, so important, and so look at

582
00:37:37.559 --> 00:37:42.480
your relationships and start gauging it.
How often are you trying to take care

583
00:37:42.519 --> 00:37:46.559
of them? How often are you
putting yourself last? How often do you

584
00:37:46.559 --> 00:37:51.039
feel like you're constantly doing things for
them and they're not doing things for you.

585
00:37:51.400 --> 00:37:53.360
How often do you feel like you're
having to pick up the slack but

586
00:37:53.400 --> 00:37:59.519
you feel like you're doing everything for
everybody? And that cannot only be challenging

587
00:37:59.760 --> 00:38:05.840
and overwhelming and stressful, but you
can get resentful from it. You may

588
00:38:05.920 --> 00:38:09.400
want to run and hide, You
may want to escape your life because of

589
00:38:09.440 --> 00:38:12.679
this, because it's like, oh
my gosh, I don't think I can

590
00:38:12.760 --> 00:38:15.320
handle this? When am I going
to be able to overcome this? Deal

591
00:38:15.360 --> 00:38:19.599
with this? And I mean this
is the real truth. This is where

592
00:38:19.639 --> 00:38:23.360
the rubber meets the road here,
because many of you are probably dealing with

593
00:38:23.400 --> 00:38:30.039
this. You're probably dealing with this
on a massive, massive level. You're

594
00:38:30.039 --> 00:38:34.119
dealing with this with a family member, You're dealing with this, you know,

595
00:38:34.159 --> 00:38:37.719
obviously, with the parent, You're
dealing with this with the significant others.

596
00:38:37.760 --> 00:38:40.719
So start being aware of how you
are dealing with your relationships, Start

597
00:38:40.760 --> 00:38:45.239
being aware of all the work you're
doing for other people's emotions, Start being

598
00:38:45.320 --> 00:38:51.320
and taking awareness of how you're dealing
with you know, the the arguments at

599
00:38:51.320 --> 00:38:54.000
home. How often are you acquiescing? How often are you not getting what

600
00:38:54.079 --> 00:38:59.000
you need in your life? And
the other person seems to be getting everything

601
00:38:59.039 --> 00:39:02.079
they need, so you seem to
keep falling short, You keep coming up

602
00:39:02.119 --> 00:39:07.960
short in your day to day life
and meeting and having your needs met.

603
00:39:08.079 --> 00:39:10.960
And kind of looking at it from
that perspective, because we all have to

604
00:39:12.000 --> 00:39:16.079
take control of our lives and that
also means taking control of our relationships as

605
00:39:16.119 --> 00:39:22.239
far as creating those healthy boundaries.
Okay, I'm not gonna take on this.

606
00:39:22.360 --> 00:39:23.920
I'm not gonna do all this work
for them. I'm not going to

607
00:39:23.960 --> 00:39:29.480
be completely a mess. I'm not
going to enable them to do this.

608
00:39:29.559 --> 00:39:32.480
I mean, some of us are
even enabling people on their alcohol, drugs,

609
00:39:32.519 --> 00:39:35.960
what have you, all these different
things, and we have to be

610
00:39:36.079 --> 00:39:40.119
super aware of that because enabling doesn't
help anybody grow, It doesn't help anybody,

611
00:39:40.239 --> 00:39:45.039
and the enabler is usually going to
get yelled at or what have you,

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00:39:45.159 --> 00:39:51.000
or criticized or crucified in the end, even though they were doing what

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00:39:51.039 --> 00:39:54.119
the other person seemed to have want
or asked for. And sometimes the best

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00:39:54.119 --> 00:39:58.440
word is no because of this,
or just no because this is not what

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00:39:58.480 --> 00:40:00.679
I want to do, or letting
this go. And so being aware that

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00:40:00.719 --> 00:40:05.159
we have the right to say what
we need, we have the right to

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00:40:05.199 --> 00:40:07.679
be the person what we are,
and we have the right to work on

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00:40:07.880 --> 00:40:12.800
our needs being met and work on
that and cultivating that, but also getting

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00:40:12.840 --> 00:40:15.440
to understand where are our feelings,
how do I feel? What are my

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00:40:15.519 --> 00:40:21.039
emotions about that? You know,
instead of always jumping and saving and helping

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00:40:21.079 --> 00:40:23.760
them, flipping the script and saying, okay, how can I help myself

622
00:40:23.840 --> 00:40:28.400
right now? How can I work
on myself? Right now in this moment,

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00:40:28.679 --> 00:40:31.239
to feel better about my situation,
to feel better about what I'm dealing

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00:40:31.280 --> 00:40:36.559
with. How do I move forward
in this situation and do what's right by

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00:40:36.639 --> 00:40:42.239
me for the first time, putting
yourself first when it comes to emotions and

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00:40:42.320 --> 00:40:45.599
dealing with those types of things as
well as caring about yourself. I hope

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00:40:45.639 --> 00:40:49.880
that this podcast and information has been
helpful. Please share it with your family

628
00:40:49.920 --> 00:40:52.920
and friends. If you haven't already, check out my YouTube channel. Just

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00:40:52.960 --> 00:40:57.840
go to YouTube and put in Ashley
Burgess or life Coach Ashley Burgess. We

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00:40:57.960 --> 00:41:00.760
have new content out throughout the week
and also you can find me on all

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00:41:00.880 --> 00:41:05.559
social media's as well, so stay
tuned. We have more shows coming up

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00:41:05.559 --> 00:41:07.599
for you next. If there's any
thoughts or comments you have on content,

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00:41:07.719 --> 00:41:12.119
please don't hesitate to reach out.
You can contact me on my website at

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00:41:12.119 --> 00:41:15.519
Ashleyburgess dot com. Let's click on
that contact page and send me a message

635
00:41:15.559 --> 00:41:21.599
and I'll respond asap. In the
meantime, don't forget to live your true

636
00:41:21.599 --> 00:41:24.000
life and live your true life perspectives
with your host me. Ashley Burgess will

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00:41:24.000 --> 00:41:27.639
be back in I'll be back this
time, you know it. I'll be

638
00:41:27.679 --> 00:41:30.320
back, this time in three shakes.