Feb. 18, 2026

Are You The Emotional Thermostat, Trying To Keep Others Comfortable? [Ep.810]

Show Notes
Transcript

You think you’re being supportive. You think you’re being loving. But what if you’re actually regulating everyone else’s emotions? In this podcast, I’m breaking down the difference between healthy emotional support and over-functioning. If you walk into a room and immediately scan for someone’s mood… if you soften your opinions to avoid conflict… if you feel responsible when someone else is upset… this podcast is for you. I'm addressing where this pattern originates, how it connects to codependent programming and trauma bonds, and why enabling can feel like love, even when it keeps you stuck. Most importantly, I’ll explain how to stop carrying emotional weight that was never yours to carry.

Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-ashley-berges-show--1272964/support.

WEBVTT

1
00:00:04.480 --> 00:00:09.199
You're in a good place now. You are listening to

2
00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:15.000
Perspectives with Ashley Burg's welcome back, lying to the Ashley

3
00:00:15.000 --> 00:00:17.839
Burgess Podcast. And today we're talking about something that most

4
00:00:17.839 --> 00:00:21.679
people don't even realize they're doing. You think you're being supportive,

5
00:00:22.199 --> 00:00:24.480
you think you're being loving, you think that you're just

6
00:00:24.640 --> 00:00:28.519
in good relationships. But what you're actually doing is regulating

7
00:00:28.600 --> 00:00:32.439
everyone else's emotions. Let me ask you something. Do you

8
00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:35.159
walk into a room and immediately scan someone's face to

9
00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:38.079
see what mood they're in? Do you change your tone

10
00:00:38.119 --> 00:00:41.840
depending on how they're feeling? Do you soften your opinions

11
00:00:41.920 --> 00:00:44.280
or edit your words or over explain yourself so they

12
00:00:44.320 --> 00:00:48.520
don't get upset? If somebody loves anxious, angry and sad

13
00:00:48.640 --> 00:00:50.840
or spiraling, do you feel it in your body like

14
00:00:50.880 --> 00:00:54.359
it's your own emergency. If you feel that way, you

15
00:00:54.439 --> 00:00:58.399
might not just be caring, You actually may be overfunctioning.

16
00:00:59.359 --> 00:01:01.320
And today we're I want to break this down what

17
00:01:01.439 --> 00:01:06.159
emotional regulation actually is the difference between carrying and enabling,

18
00:01:06.959 --> 00:01:10.159
where the pattern comes from, and how to stop carrying

19
00:01:10.319 --> 00:01:14.000
emotional weight that was never yours to carry. Because here's

20
00:01:14.040 --> 00:01:18.000
the truth, you're not meant to be someone else's nervous system.

21
00:01:18.560 --> 00:01:21.239
So we're going to talk about healthy emotional regulation and

22
00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:25.599
what that means. What is emotional regulation versus what is overfunctioning.

23
00:01:26.040 --> 00:01:30.480
Healthy emotional regulation means each adult actually manages their own

24
00:01:30.480 --> 00:01:34.719
inner and internal state. If I'm upset, I regulate myself.

25
00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:38.400
If you're upset, you regulate yourself. We can support each other,

26
00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:43.079
but we don't carry each other. That's a partnership. Overfunctioning

27
00:01:43.120 --> 00:01:47.159
looks very different. Overfunctioning means if they're upset, then I

28
00:01:47.200 --> 00:01:49.760
need to fix it. If they're angry, I need to

29
00:01:49.760 --> 00:01:52.879
calm them down. If they're spiraling out of control, I

30
00:01:52.920 --> 00:01:56.599
need to stabilize them. And when one person overfunctions, the

31
00:01:56.680 --> 00:02:00.159
other person actually under functions. And this is where it

32
00:02:00.239 --> 00:02:04.439
gets interesting. This is relationship physics. The more you regulate

33
00:02:04.480 --> 00:02:07.519
for them, the less they learn to regulate for themselves.

34
00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:11.439
And over time this dynamic becomes well, it becomes invisible.

35
00:02:11.719 --> 00:02:14.639
You don't even realize that you're actually doing it. You

36
00:02:14.759 --> 00:02:18.400
just know that you're tired, you're worn out, you're beat.

37
00:02:18.800 --> 00:02:21.120
You seem to not be able to sleep well. You

38
00:02:21.199 --> 00:02:24.080
seem to be processing a lot of emotion, and some

39
00:02:24.159 --> 00:02:27.520
of it really has nothing to do with you. So

40
00:02:27.599 --> 00:02:31.439
let's talk about the signs that you're actually regulating another

41
00:02:31.560 --> 00:02:36.479
person's emotions and feelings. Let's dive deep right here. First.

42
00:02:36.479 --> 00:02:41.159
It's interesting because there's the concept of hypervigilance, and when

43
00:02:41.199 --> 00:02:44.479
you're hyper vigilant when it comes into relationships, it means

44
00:02:44.479 --> 00:02:49.159
that you read these micro expressions of people. You notice

45
00:02:49.199 --> 00:02:56.319
tone shifts practically immediately, you feel emotional temperature changes from

46
00:02:56.360 --> 00:03:00.599
another person like a thermostat, and your nervousness and learned

47
00:03:00.719 --> 00:03:06.159
to scan this actually at a very early age. Another

48
00:03:06.199 --> 00:03:10.520
indication that you're regulating other people is the guilt reflex.

49
00:03:11.400 --> 00:03:16.719
They're upset and somehow you feel responsible. You apologize quickly,

50
00:03:17.400 --> 00:03:21.000
You explain yourself too much, You try to clear it

51
00:03:21.080 --> 00:03:25.960
up before conflict escalates, even when you didn't do anything wrong.

52
00:03:27.319 --> 00:03:30.719
The third that we need to look at is identity suppression.

53
00:03:31.639 --> 00:03:36.280
You hold back your opinions, you avoid specific topics, you

54
00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:40.680
shrink your reactions. And that's interesting. You don't say this

55
00:03:40.840 --> 00:03:44.560
bothered me, or I didn't really like this, or I

56
00:03:44.599 --> 00:03:47.560
wasn't really happy about that. Instead you say, hey, everything's fine.

57
00:03:47.759 --> 00:03:52.039
You know I'm fine. I'm fine because somewhere inside your

58
00:03:52.039 --> 00:03:55.919
brain says, if I say this, they may spiral out

59
00:03:55.960 --> 00:03:59.240
of control. They may lose it, they may get angry,

60
00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:03.120
they may get upset said. And a fourth indication is

61
00:04:03.159 --> 00:04:09.000
that emotional exhaustion. After interacting with them, you may feel drained.

62
00:04:09.960 --> 00:04:13.919
You replay conversations over and over again, looking for maybe

63
00:04:13.919 --> 00:04:16.560
what you said wrong or you did wrong. You wonder

64
00:04:16.759 --> 00:04:19.959
if you handle the situation correctly, and you worry about

65
00:04:19.959 --> 00:04:23.160
it and pontificate on it, you also think about how

66
00:04:23.199 --> 00:04:28.800
to prevent future issues, and that's emotional labor. And over time,

67
00:04:28.920 --> 00:04:32.160
as this happens over and over again, it begins to

68
00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:36.680
add up. So where does this pattern come from? It

69
00:04:36.720 --> 00:04:41.639
doesn't happen randomly. It's usually conditioning. If you grew up

70
00:04:41.639 --> 00:04:46.759
around let's say a voll little parent, an emotionally unstable caregiver.

71
00:04:47.519 --> 00:04:52.120
Maybe you grew up around addiction one of your family members, mom, dad.

72
00:04:52.240 --> 00:04:56.120
Maybe it was an alcoholic or addicted to drugs. You

73
00:04:56.160 --> 00:04:59.600
grew up around narcissistic traits or even borderline traits, and

74
00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:02.360
we've talked about that a lot on the podcast here

75
00:05:02.399 --> 00:05:04.920
as well as on the YouTube channel. If you haven't subscribed,

76
00:05:05.000 --> 00:05:07.439
already subscribed to my YouTube channel, go to life coach

77
00:05:07.480 --> 00:05:10.360
Ashley Burgess and hit that subscribe button. We put out

78
00:05:10.360 --> 00:05:13.959
two videos new each week, and some of it are

79
00:05:14.079 --> 00:05:17.240
very easy, breezy one minute sorts as well as we

80
00:05:17.279 --> 00:05:19.399
have a lot of long form videos as well to

81
00:05:19.439 --> 00:05:24.160
really go into deep explanation of situations. Besides the narcissistic,

82
00:05:24.279 --> 00:05:28.600
the addictive, the borderline, the emotionally unstable caregiver and the

83
00:05:28.720 --> 00:05:31.560
voll little parent, you also have chronic anxiety, a depression.

84
00:05:31.720 --> 00:05:34.160
You might have been dealing with somebody with chronic anxiety

85
00:05:34.639 --> 00:05:40.759
constantly calming them down, assuring them and probably learn this

86
00:05:41.800 --> 00:05:45.399
is if I manage the emotional environment in the family dynamic,

87
00:05:45.480 --> 00:05:50.120
I stay safe. So you inherently become the peacemaker, the

88
00:05:50.199 --> 00:05:55.560
mature one, the emotional stabilizer, and the skill set that

89
00:05:55.680 --> 00:05:59.279
actually works very well. The skill set actually helps you

90
00:05:59.399 --> 00:06:02.839
survive and thrive as much as you possibly can in

91
00:06:02.879 --> 00:06:07.160
that environment. But now that same skill set is running

92
00:06:07.199 --> 00:06:13.040
your adult relationships. Your nervous system actually equates love with management.

93
00:06:13.079 --> 00:06:16.079
It's the same thing, and that's why a lot of

94
00:06:16.079 --> 00:06:19.600
times in relationships, you become like a parental figure to

95
00:06:19.720 --> 00:06:22.560
the person that you're supposed to be in a romantic relationship,

96
00:06:22.839 --> 00:06:26.879
which creates really messed up boundaries, and it creates kind

97
00:06:26.920 --> 00:06:31.279
of a messed up relationship. If I calm them, I'm loved.

98
00:06:31.800 --> 00:06:34.399
If I soothe them, I am secure, And if I

99
00:06:34.480 --> 00:06:38.120
prevent conflict, I'm safe. But remember that's not intimacy, that's

100
00:06:38.120 --> 00:06:42.079
actually survival. And many of you listening have also dated

101
00:06:42.199 --> 00:06:49.160
emotionally dysregulated partners as well. Emotional dysregulation is definitely rampant,

102
00:06:49.199 --> 00:06:52.079
and when someone struggles with emotional regulation themselves, especially with

103
00:06:52.120 --> 00:06:57.319
traits of BPD, narcissism, emotional maturity, the dynamic actually intensifies

104
00:06:58.120 --> 00:07:04.480
because now you're overfunctioning meets their underfunctioning, and this begins

105
00:07:04.519 --> 00:07:08.000
to lock in and it becomes a constant pattern, it

106
00:07:08.040 --> 00:07:12.120
becomes a constant way of life. And that's something that

107
00:07:12.160 --> 00:07:16.160
we have to be aware of in our relationship dynamics,

108
00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:21.399
which can actually become a problematic obviously. So then we

109
00:07:21.480 --> 00:07:23.040
have to ask ourselves, and I think many of you

110
00:07:23.040 --> 00:07:25.759
are asking yourself right now, well, what's the difference between

111
00:07:25.800 --> 00:07:28.639
carrying versus enabling, Because it seems kind of like they're

112
00:07:28.680 --> 00:07:32.240
pretty close together. And this is where people get really confused,

113
00:07:33.000 --> 00:07:36.480
is because you think I'm just supportive and support sounds

114
00:07:36.519 --> 00:07:39.399
like I hear you, that sounds hard, you know, I

115
00:07:39.480 --> 00:07:43.120
wish I could help. I'm here, But enabling sounds very different.

116
00:07:43.160 --> 00:07:47.120
Instead of I hear you or that sounds difficult, enabling

117
00:07:47.279 --> 00:07:51.519
is I'll fix it. I'll take the responsibility, I'll absorb

118
00:07:51.600 --> 00:07:55.000
the consequences. All smooth this one over, I'll clean this up.

119
00:07:55.639 --> 00:08:00.199
And so the interesting thing is that support actually allows discomfort,

120
00:08:00.639 --> 00:08:04.360
while enabling prevents that discomfort and that reality for the

121
00:08:04.399 --> 00:08:09.079
person that should be going through it. If someone explodes

122
00:08:09.160 --> 00:08:12.439
and you immediately apologize to calm them down, that's what

123
00:08:12.480 --> 00:08:16.920
we call enabling. If someone avoids accountability and you step in,

124
00:08:17.120 --> 00:08:20.199
that's also enabling. And if someone blames you and you

125
00:08:20.279 --> 00:08:23.839
internalize it just to restore the peace, that's also enabling

126
00:08:23.879 --> 00:08:26.399
as well. And here's really the hard truth about it

127
00:08:26.439 --> 00:08:30.120
is enabling feels like love when you're actually trauma bonded

128
00:08:30.120 --> 00:08:33.399
to another person, but it keeps both people stuck in

129
00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:37.120
this cycle pattern of this trauma bond. Nobody gets well,

130
00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:41.159
nobody gets healthy. So what happens when you finally stop

131
00:08:41.320 --> 00:08:43.840
What happens when you finally wake up to what is

132
00:08:43.879 --> 00:08:47.279
actually going on? Well, first off, as you know, this

133
00:08:47.360 --> 00:08:50.720
is where it's going to definitely get uncomfortable. And when

134
00:08:50.720 --> 00:08:54.120
you stop regulating them, they actually may escalate. They may

135
00:08:54.279 --> 00:08:58.039
escalate their attitude and their actions. They may accuse you

136
00:08:58.279 --> 00:09:01.720
of being mean or cold. They may say that you're

137
00:09:01.759 --> 00:09:04.679
the one that's changed. They may say you don't care anymore,

138
00:09:04.919 --> 00:09:09.440
you're two distance, you're selfish. But what's actually happening is

139
00:09:09.480 --> 00:09:15.200
that the system is recalibrating. When you stop overfunctioning, the

140
00:09:15.360 --> 00:09:19.519
person that is underfunctioning actually begins to feel exposed and

141
00:09:19.559 --> 00:09:22.519
they now have to self soothe themselves or try to

142
00:09:22.600 --> 00:09:26.159
find the ability to self soothe. And if they relied

143
00:09:26.159 --> 00:09:28.240
on you to do this for years, there may be

144
00:09:28.279 --> 00:09:32.159
a really heavy resistance to this change. It doesn't mean

145
00:09:32.159 --> 00:09:34.320
that you're wrong to change. Just because you have to

146
00:09:34.480 --> 00:09:37.960
alter these circumstances to actually make things better. It means

147
00:09:38.039 --> 00:09:43.120
the dynamic is actually shifting into the right direction. So

148
00:09:43.159 --> 00:09:47.480
how do we stop regulating other people? This is interesting.

149
00:09:47.639 --> 00:09:49.440
Many of you might be saying, yes, I do have

150
00:09:49.480 --> 00:09:51.639
a lot of code of penditendencies. You know, growing up

151
00:09:51.639 --> 00:09:53.960
with my family dynamic was very hard. I was having

152
00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:57.000
to constantly reassure my mother, my father, sister, brother, a

153
00:09:57.039 --> 00:10:00.279
situation I was the babysitter, I was the helper, And

154
00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:02.960
so how do I stop regulating other people? Well, first

155
00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:05.039
you have to stop, You have to take a pause,

156
00:10:05.799 --> 00:10:08.399
and before fixing, you need to ask is this mind

157
00:10:08.440 --> 00:10:12.840
to fix? Did I cause the situation? Or am I

158
00:10:12.960 --> 00:10:17.080
reacting to discomfort? Am I just reacting to discomfort in

159
00:10:17.080 --> 00:10:20.879
the situation. Second, we have to accept silence. Silence is

160
00:10:20.919 --> 00:10:22.720
not always a bad thing. We don't always have to

161
00:10:22.720 --> 00:10:25.279
feel the silence void. We can let it be silent.

162
00:10:25.519 --> 00:10:28.519
You don't have to feel in that. If they're upset,

163
00:10:28.679 --> 00:10:31.200
let them feel it, Let them feel the being upset,

164
00:10:31.279 --> 00:10:33.919
let them feel the anger, let them feel that feeling.

165
00:10:33.960 --> 00:10:36.240
You don't have to take that away from them. Adults

166
00:10:36.279 --> 00:10:41.120
are allowed to actually experience frustration, sadness, anxiety. The third

167
00:10:41.159 --> 00:10:44.960
thing is stop over explaining. You've gotten into this concept

168
00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:47.919
and pattern of over explaining yourself to death. You know

169
00:10:47.960 --> 00:10:50.200
that's what you've had to do. I over explain, over explain,

170
00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:53.080
over explain until you're blue in the face. And so

171
00:10:53.759 --> 00:10:55.360
you don't have to keep doing that. Just to have

172
00:10:55.440 --> 00:10:58.840
clarity doesn't require a dissertation, right, So it's like you

173
00:10:58.879 --> 00:11:01.799
know less is more and be able to regulate that

174
00:11:01.879 --> 00:11:05.039
because you over explaining is just creating this even more so,

175
00:11:05.120 --> 00:11:09.639
this trauma bond. Fourth, you need to regulate yourself. Notice that.

176
00:11:09.799 --> 00:11:14.480
Notice when your body actually feels urgency. Are you feeling

177
00:11:14.519 --> 00:11:18.039
like stressed? Is your blood pressure going up? Is your

178
00:11:18.159 --> 00:11:21.399
chest tight? And that's something that we need to think about.

179
00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:24.279
It's time to breathe because that's your old conditioning. You're

180
00:11:24.320 --> 00:11:28.720
internalizing it, or you're actually physically internalizing their situation and

181
00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:32.080
actually believing that it's yours. Fifth, you want to separate

182
00:11:32.200 --> 00:11:35.559
love from rescue. Remember these are two different things. Love

183
00:11:35.679 --> 00:11:39.480
supports growth. People need to grow in these relationships. Rescue

184
00:11:39.519 --> 00:11:43.399
actually prevents the other person from growing, actually prevents you

185
00:11:43.559 --> 00:11:47.159
from stop enabling them. Remember, because as you keep rescuing,

186
00:11:47.240 --> 00:11:49.559
you are enabling them. You know, people talk about somebody

187
00:11:49.639 --> 00:11:51.840
hitting rock bottom, while they can't hit rock bottom or

188
00:11:51.879 --> 00:11:55.159
they can't come to awareness if you keep saving them,

189
00:11:55.440 --> 00:11:58.399
and you keep jumping in and solving the problem or

190
00:11:58.440 --> 00:12:02.519
cleaning the problem or making the go away. And I

191
00:12:02.519 --> 00:12:04.759
want you to hear this clearly, you're not responsible for

192
00:12:04.799 --> 00:12:10.600
someone else's emotional stability. Okay, you can be compassionate without

193
00:12:10.720 --> 00:12:15.679
carrying their stuff. You can be supportive without absorbing their

194
00:12:15.840 --> 00:12:19.399
energy and their situation, you can actually see it as there,

195
00:12:19.440 --> 00:12:23.279
and you can love without managing them. You know, managing

196
00:12:23.320 --> 00:12:26.600
somebody and loving them is very two different things. And

197
00:12:26.639 --> 00:12:29.399
if you spend your life being the emotional thermost at,

198
00:12:29.600 --> 00:12:34.200
constantly adjusting yourself to keeping everyone else comfortable, of course

199
00:12:34.200 --> 00:12:37.919
this is going to make you tired, exhausted, emotionally spent.

200
00:12:38.360 --> 00:12:42.240
You were never made to be someone else's regulator. You

201
00:12:42.240 --> 00:12:44.519
were meant to actually be a partner or a friend

202
00:12:44.639 --> 00:12:47.720
or a spouse. And I hope that this is resonating

203
00:12:47.759 --> 00:12:49.559
with you because I want you to really kind of

204
00:12:49.559 --> 00:12:52.080
reflect on a couple of questions. Who taught you that

205
00:12:52.080 --> 00:12:55.799
you're responsible for everyone else's feelings? Really think about that.

206
00:12:55.840 --> 00:12:58.159
Go back into the recesses of your brain, Go back

207
00:12:58.200 --> 00:13:01.000
into the past, go back into childhood. Who taught you

208
00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:05.480
that you're responsible for everyone else's feelings? You know where? Secondly,

209
00:13:05.559 --> 00:13:08.279
you know where did you learn that from? And are

210
00:13:08.320 --> 00:13:11.360
you constantly doing it? Because that belief I don't believe

211
00:13:11.399 --> 00:13:13.480
started with you. I believe that was outside of you,

212
00:13:13.639 --> 00:13:18.440
that wasn't true to you. And because it wasn't true

213
00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:20.000
to you, these are things that we can let go

214
00:13:20.080 --> 00:13:21.960
we don't have to continue with these We don't have

215
00:13:22.080 --> 00:13:24.559
to continue with this. We can move forward in our life.

216
00:13:24.679 --> 00:13:28.240
We can move forward with change and persistence to actually

217
00:13:28.320 --> 00:13:31.320
find our truth. Just because these things happen in childhood,

218
00:13:31.320 --> 00:13:33.440
where things were put on us that we did not want,

219
00:13:33.679 --> 00:13:36.240
that we did not ask for, that we were kind

220
00:13:36.240 --> 00:13:38.240
of thrown into, doesn't mean that we have to keep

221
00:13:38.279 --> 00:13:40.600
carrying that. We don't have to keep wearing that. We

222
00:13:40.639 --> 00:13:43.200
can actually shed that and become more of who we are.

223
00:13:43.919 --> 00:13:47.240
We're not here to totally harden you. I'm not here

224
00:13:47.279 --> 00:13:49.840
to make you a narcissist or raising narcissist. That is

225
00:13:49.840 --> 00:13:52.480
not what I'm trying to do at all. I'm just

226
00:13:52.559 --> 00:13:58.399
here to refocus your energy back on you. I'm here

227
00:13:58.440 --> 00:14:01.360
to refocus your energy back on you, and it's about

228
00:14:01.799 --> 00:14:03.960
here to freeing you, because I think there's also a

229
00:14:04.000 --> 00:14:07.039
concept of freeing you, like freeing you from this burden,

230
00:14:07.159 --> 00:14:10.159
freeing you from going down this direction, freeing you from

231
00:14:10.200 --> 00:14:13.600
this situation, because this is a lot of weight on

232
00:14:13.639 --> 00:14:16.120
your back when you're having to go through this process,

233
00:14:16.759 --> 00:14:19.799
because you're not only carrying your emotions and your feelings

234
00:14:19.840 --> 00:14:23.120
and your stress and your anxiety and your life issues,

235
00:14:23.120 --> 00:14:25.679
but you're also carrying this other person's as well, trying

236
00:14:25.720 --> 00:14:28.080
to figure out how to make it work for them,

237
00:14:28.120 --> 00:14:30.360
trying to figure out how to help them in their life.

238
00:14:30.639 --> 00:14:33.840
And usually those things are solved prior to your own

239
00:14:33.879 --> 00:14:37.759
solving of your own issues. Okay, when people talk about codependency,

240
00:14:37.759 --> 00:14:39.080
I know that people say, well, it's not in the

241
00:14:39.159 --> 00:14:42.559
DSM and it's not an actual diagnosis. Fine, but it

242
00:14:42.759 --> 00:14:47.519
is a type of programming, and that is very true.

243
00:14:47.639 --> 00:14:51.159
Codependency is a type of programming that we fall into

244
00:14:51.399 --> 00:14:53.840
because we were forced into it growing up. To be

245
00:14:53.879 --> 00:14:56.279
able to feel secure, there were things that we had

246
00:14:56.320 --> 00:14:58.720
to do to make things work around us. And so

247
00:14:58.799 --> 00:15:03.279
what we're doing here basically fundamentally with in today's podcast

248
00:15:03.679 --> 00:15:07.200
is to free ourselves to realize what has been going on.

249
00:15:07.720 --> 00:15:11.000
Because freedom of this cannot start until you actually stop

250
00:15:11.120 --> 00:15:13.840
carrying someone else. And this is something I want you

251
00:15:13.840 --> 00:15:15.759
to really look at. Think about it. You know, are

252
00:15:15.799 --> 00:15:19.360
you in relationships right now or is your marriage or

253
00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:24.159
your significant other? Is this relationship more about enabling than caring?

254
00:15:25.039 --> 00:15:27.120
And these are things that you have to ask yourself.

255
00:15:27.159 --> 00:15:30.399
You know, am I trying to listen? Am I trying

256
00:15:30.440 --> 00:15:32.080
to be there for them, or am I trying to

257
00:15:32.080 --> 00:15:34.840
fix things? Am I trying to take responsibility for them?

258
00:15:35.200 --> 00:15:38.399
Or am I letting them take responsibility for their own actions?

259
00:15:38.720 --> 00:15:41.039
And where do these patterns come from? And being honest

260
00:15:41.039 --> 00:15:43.000
about it, because this is the only way that we

261
00:15:43.039 --> 00:15:44.919
get to the core of what we need to augment

262
00:15:44.919 --> 00:15:48.080
and change, because we would rather have a friendship, a

263
00:15:48.120 --> 00:15:51.679
loving friendship, or a loving romantic relationship, or a marriage

264
00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:54.399
that is not based on a trauma bond but actually

265
00:15:54.480 --> 00:15:57.159
based on actual caring and love, because those are two

266
00:15:57.200 --> 00:15:59.519
different things. When we have a relationship based on a

267
00:15:59.519 --> 00:16:02.799
trauma band on, both people are incapable of being able

268
00:16:02.840 --> 00:16:06.240
to grow and move on as far as being able

269
00:16:06.279 --> 00:16:10.039
to emotionally regulate themselves, allow the other person to do

270
00:16:10.080 --> 00:16:12.480
it they need to do to emotionally regulate them not

271
00:16:12.639 --> 00:16:15.559
taking on other people's burdens and really focusing on our own.

272
00:16:15.840 --> 00:16:18.320
Because what I've realized is we can all talk about,

273
00:16:18.559 --> 00:16:20.879
you know, our purpose in life, but our main purpose

274
00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:24.799
in this lifetime is to actually find ourselves, to understand ourselves,

275
00:16:25.039 --> 00:16:27.879
and to accept ourselves. And that is our big purpose

276
00:16:27.960 --> 00:16:30.639
in this lifetime. And a lot of times we learn

277
00:16:30.679 --> 00:16:32.759
more about our spouse or our friends than we know

278
00:16:32.840 --> 00:16:35.159
about ourselves. And I think that this podcast, if you've

279
00:16:35.159 --> 00:16:37.759
listened to it maybe a couple of times, can resonate

280
00:16:37.799 --> 00:16:39.840
with you and you can see where you're doing this

281
00:16:40.240 --> 00:16:42.960
in relationships as well as even in your marriage or

282
00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:46.679
your romantic relationship. If you haven't already, go online and

283
00:16:46.759 --> 00:16:51.240
check out the website Ashleyburgers dot com Ashleyberges dot com.

284
00:16:51.320 --> 00:16:54.039
So let's check out the YouTube channel to new video

285
00:16:54.559 --> 00:16:57.399
posts every week, and if there is some content that

286
00:16:57.440 --> 00:16:59.720
you'd like for me to talk about on those videos.

287
00:16:59.799 --> 00:17:03.039
If you're following on even Facebook or Instagram or LinkedIn,

288
00:17:03.559 --> 00:17:05.400
you can go online to a s h L E

289
00:17:05.519 --> 00:17:07.799
y b E r Ges dot com and click on

290
00:17:07.839 --> 00:17:10.240
that contact page and you can seend me a message

291
00:17:10.359 --> 00:17:12.680
and I'll reply back within at least two business days.

292
00:17:12.720 --> 00:17:14.759
So definitely want to get back with you on any

293
00:17:14.799 --> 00:17:17.119
content that you are interested in me covering, and in

294
00:17:17.160 --> 00:17:19.880
the process, think about this. When you look at patterns

295
00:17:19.880 --> 00:17:22.920
in life, we're able to actually grow. When we're emotionally

296
00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:26.599
regulating other people. We are walking on eggshells, and it's

297
00:17:26.599 --> 00:17:28.799
time to have freedom. It's time to stop walking on

298
00:17:28.960 --> 00:17:31.960
xs shells, and it's time to actually move forward with

299
00:17:32.079 --> 00:17:35.079
our life. I hope that you found that this podcast

300
00:17:35.079 --> 00:17:38.079
has been helpful. Please subscribe to the podcast here on

301
00:17:38.119 --> 00:17:44.240
Apple Podcasts or Spotify or whatever podcast a website that

302
00:17:44.279 --> 00:17:46.240
you look at, and let us know if there's any

303
00:17:46.240 --> 00:17:48.000
content that you'd like us to cover. I hope this

304
00:17:48.200 --> 00:17:50.599
podcast has helped you, and I look forward to seeing

305
00:17:50.680 --> 00:17:56.200
you next week.