Are you Surrounded by Positive, Negative, Toxic, or Realist People? [Ep: 812]

0:01 You're in a good place now. You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley burgets Hi and welcome back to the Ashley Burgess podcast. Today. I want to discuss positivity, toxic positivity, negativity, and realism so that you can understand better the people around you, perhaps even yourself, where you're coming from, your perspective, your emotion. I find that when people are around certain people in their life, it brings more creativity, more happiness, more joy I see that when we're with different types of people, whether if they're negative or even toxically positive, it can bring us down, hurt us, make us feel bad.

0:45 And so it's good to be able to look around at the people we spend the most time with, whether it's at work or home, and be able to understand are these the people that we need to be surrounded by, and how do we look at it? Because there's different ways of looking at things. Sometimes we're not aware when somebody is super negative, and sometimes we're not aware when somebody is toxically positive because we really don't know some of those things you're not really catching on. We give a lot of excuses, or maybe somebody's been through a lot, even though most of us on this planet have been through a lot. We tend to give passes to certain people. Well, they've had a hard life, or they've gone through this and that, and so we allow that attitude to be even though that attitude is actually continuing the issue within their own life. The more we give out of something, the more we receive with that something right. So the more we're there for people and we're helping people and we're doing what's right, the more we get that back. Now, there's some situations where you don't where you're spending time with people that do not provide, do not help out, even to some degree, maybe taking your energy. So let's first begin with understanding. What I would like to talk is negativity. When I think of negativity, I think of pessimistic.

2:05 I think of somebody that's very skeptical, somebody that's very disagreeable. They're constantly disagreeing with you with regards to absolutely everything you bring up. So it's always a worst case scenario. There's a biasness to their negative thought process, and it's almost like they get a energy or a high off being super negative. And I want you to think about that. You know people that their whole life is about being negative. It's about being negative. It's about presenting the negative thought process. It's about pushing their agenda or their thoughts, and in those factors, they create other people to have anxiety, maybe other people to stop working as much because they're like, oh, why should I? I mean, nothing's gonna work anyway. I also find that the more negative somebody is, the more this actually frames their entire life, so they see everything in the negative light. Everything's a chronic complaint. There's like constantly bad things happening on the horizon. And I also find that there's a lot of self criticism but also a lot of blaming others in a victimhood reality. Okay, so it's more about, look what's happening to me. This person did this to me. My life is so horrible.

3:25 This person did this to me. It's not about taking ownership about Okay, even if something happened to you, how do you rise above that, take control and get your life back on track. Because the impact of negativity creates mental fatigue, It causes poor decision making. It causes somebody to think in a very negative and narrowing perspective, like there's no other options. And what I've found is that when you're around somebody that's negative in a personal relationship, a work relationship, or friendship, that the negativity is like an illness. It's like a virus, and it begins to like get all over everybody, right, it gets all over everybody.

4:11 It's even like in a work scenario when you have one person that is really super negative in the office and you try to avoid this person, but they seem to be everywhere and they're constantly talking about worst case scenario, and it really begins to impair the relationship because many of you either fall into it where you begin to adopt the negative thought process, or you begin to get sucked in to this person and all of a sudden, your entire concept of reality begins to shift and you start seeing this negativity. Or you're the opposite where you try to run from this person. And sometimes some of you, you know, are like me in a way where it's almost like you're trying to help them get over this negativity, but it's like you can't handle being around negativity, so it just literally rubs you the wrong way. You're trying to get out from being around them. You're trying to move on, and anybody can overcome negativity. That's not an issue.

5:08 Anybody can overcome that. The problem though, is that a lot of people get off on it. It's almost like they get a double mean high from being more and more negative, like they actually get something from it. And that's why it's the same when you deal with people that want attention no matter what, even if the attention is bad, they still get off on it. So they might push you and push you and push you and push you, you know, pushing all your buttons, getting very angry, you know, being very rude, putting you down, calling you names, and eventually you lash out and you can see like this chess shard grin on their face because they got what they wanted. They wanted you to lose it. They wanted you to get mad, and then you feel bad about getting mad. But they got that hit, you know, it's like they got they got that hit of cocaine.

5:51 They got that hit, and they're like, ooh, that feels really good, and so they like that. They roll around in that negativity. They roll around in this kind of stuff, and unfortunately, if you're hanging out with somebody that's rolling around in this stuff. You're gonna get dirty too, because you really can't keep a positive outlook when someone is constantly negative. You can try, but it's like having the fight of good versus evil. You are going to feel it. It is going to be a constant anchor. It's gonna be something holding you down. It's like two cinder blocks, right, It's gonna be holding you down. It's very hard to overcome that. It's very hard to stop this type of interaction and to try to change that person because that person has to want to change. That person has to want to change, you know. And so that's the thing is that, how you know, dealing with them can be very challenging, and I think negativity is like habitual, and so you know, some of the warning signs of dealing with negative people is there's that victim reality, like we talked about, And that's one of the biggest ones. Is one of the biggest keys I want you to catch on to, because most negative people are the victim in every single situation. It's not about what they're doing, it's what everybody else is doing to them. They criticize people, they don't compliment. They always find a fault and everybody they know. Everybody they see is either fat or this or that or ugly or whatever. There's always some problems.

7:11 They're constantly complaining about everything. Nothing's ever good. The food sucks, this sucks, the atmosphere sucks, this movie sucks. Everybody sucks. You know. They see the worst in people, so instead of seeing good in people, they actually see people in the absolute worst light. They expect the worst in the situations. And that's why when I have clients who are dating or engaged or married to somebody that's super negative. They'll say, we took this trip and it was the absolute worst trip. Everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong. Well, that's because you have somebody right there making it happen. You literally have the person right there making it happen from your very eyes. Okay, so how are you ever going to get away from that? They lack, you know, gratitude for anything because they don't see anything as being good, and they bring others down to make them feel better.

7:57 So if you're constantly with somebody that's bringing you down, you know, to make themselves feel better, they're not gonna stop because they're getting a high from that, right They're getting high off of that, and that's something I want you to think about. Now, let's move into what positivity is. Positivity to me is optimistic, it's being confident. It's focusing on, you know, your goals. It's really focusing on the things that you can actually kind of control, right, And it's about being hopeful. It's about being forward looking. It's about being constructive. It's about having gratitude. It's about not dwelling in the negative, because bad things can't happen, but if we dwell in it, they continue. If we dwell in it, then we fall victim into this reality. I also think that positivity is about, you know, gratitude. It's about being positive.

8:49 It's about overcoming that negativity, being grateful for the things that you have, Grateful for the people in your life, grateful for the opportunities you have. You know, you might not live in a mansion, but you're grateful for your apartment. You might not be driving a g wagon, but you're grateful for your car. It's putting things into perspective and not having this you know, kind of negative delusion that you have around you. And so I feel like it's confidence, it's cheery, and it's active. Like when we're positive, we're being active. We're actively finding a better concept. We're actively consciously training ourselves to you know, choose differently. We're choosing to be effective. We're choosing to be consistent. We're choosing to get up early in the morning, get ready, take a shower, get ready. But for the day, we're not being a victim, you know, we're we actually have hope.

9:35 We actually know that we can change things, we can do things. There's a positive role, a positive experience. And I feel like it's about having encouragement. It's about feeling encouraging. It's about encouraging others. And it's and you're looking for a successful outcome. Now it doesn't always happen, right, that's you know, But it's not about that. It's about having that resilience. It's about being empowered. It's about having that feeling of saying, hey, I am doing these things, having that compassion for other people, having kindness, being kind, having empathy for other people. These are very important aspects. But I want to share with you there are some people that go the extreme other way. That's what we call toxic positivity, and that's something totally different, that is not positivity at all. It's toxic positivity, and it is about excessive it's about overly optimistic. It's about not seeing the other side. It's about suppressing any type of negative. It's about suppressing things to a harmful degree. It's this forced happiness, this force optimism. And so that's really problematic in its own right because a lot of times when people have a problem or there's an issue and they share it with somebody that's toxically positive, that toxic positive person almost shames that person and saying, why would you even feel this way? This is crazy. You should not be feeling this way. You should not be feeling this way. You should be positive about this. You know, Hey, my mother

11:07 just died and it was really painful. You should get over that. You should be grateful, Like what's wrong with you? So, you know, as far as positive positivity is concerned, it's okay. Like when you're positive, you're okay to have other types of emotions. You're just trying to be positive. You're working on positivity for the most time. You're trying not to sit in negativity. You're working on that. But the toxic positivity, to me, is almost just as bad. As a negativity because that person is denying themselves the reality of life, and they're also denying the people around them. Oh you will be positive, Oh you will do this, you will do that. And so a lot of times, instead of practicing self compassion and compassion for others, you're almost like, you know, getting angry at people and putting them down and guilding them because you know they're not positive all the time. Right, So it's like the successive positivity. It's like excessive. It's like everything has to be happy. Everything is just positive good vibes. Only get over the status, get over the hardship, move on. It's complete emotional suppression.

12:08 It's complete force positivity, and it's an invalidation of feelings because there's a part of life where it's not always easy, and there's sometimes you just have to look at stuff in a realistic way. And so what I really think about in my life is, for the most part, I'm positive, positive, positive, positive, positive. But I also feel like there's more of the time that also I'm positive, But I also sit in an area called reality realism. Realism it's just how things are, okay. So there's things that are happening in this world that I do not like, I do not agree with. There's things that are horrible and violent. I mean from everything from animal testing to the files to children who are everything that's happening in our world, right, I mean, there's some good things happening, sure, but there's some really really bad things. And so we have I can't sit there and be positive about all these things, like well, that's okay, this is great. No, we have to accept the reality of some of these things. And in that process we don't want to get lost in any sort of negativity, because there is a rabbit hole, right You can be realistic about something, but if you don't watch out, you can crank down that rabbit hole into negativity. And so I do feel like realism is just like focusing on you know, just being realistic. And I know that realism is some degree. Some people would say it was a literary movement in the nineteenth century, and yes it is, but it was depicting life, society, everyday subjects in a truthful and objective way and rejecting the concept of idolization

13:43 or idolizing any sort of romanticism. Right. That that's the key here, That's what I'm talking about. So we look at these situations and we realize, you know, it's okay to be realistic, representing things in real life as they are, not in a dream. Not Oh this is the best situation. And I feel like when you are realistic, you can think critically, you can be objective, you can see different perspectives. You know, you can make decisions in this process. A realistic person, to me is a person who knows what they want. They're working to get it, and they're working to keep it. And so I think when you're thinking about are you a realist, you know, okay, For example, it's a balanced perspective. You don't see the glass half full.

14:31 You don't see the glass half empty. You see how much is in the glass to begin with. I mean, this is how much coffee I have? Yeah, I mean, actually, mind's more full than not, and that's great, and that's something to consider. So I'm not lying to myself. I'm just being honest. You make decisions based on practical considerations, not on your emotions. You also take things as they come, adapting to situations rather than trying to force a perfect outcome. You also look at concrete evidence and think about that so you're not. And the thing is is that a realist is not a pessimist. They're not worst case scenario because worst case scenario isn't true. Case scenario isn't realistic, it's not. And so there's a very big difference between being realist and being negative. And so I really like to adapt in my life a concept of positivity with realism, a connection of the two bridge together. So I'd rather see one area of life as far as you know the possibilities based on evidence and a positive light, instead of worst case scenario, because worst case scenario, yes, sometimes it happens, but most of time it doesn't. I also like to look at things realistically, and I try my best to reserve and to remove emotion out of big decisions, because emotions do cloud our judgments sometimes based on our own triggers and past that we haven't worked on. Right,

16:03 So the only time we get triggered is when things come to light or when things happen in our life that we haven't worked on. And these are big considerations. These are things that we have to work on in our life to be happier and healthier, and it's very important. And so I think sometimes realists are mistaken for pessimis because they can be skeptical. But but I don't. Skeptical is different. You have to look at things from all different you know, areas. I like to look at things from multiple sides of things. You know, I like to look at something from this perspective, that perspective, this perspective, turn it around, hold it in your hand, look at it, do your research, and then yes, I want to think of the highest good. So I want you to think about how many people do you have around you right now who you would consider negative personality where there is the worst case scenario, it is the victim reality. And also, out of those people, how much time do you have to spend with them? Because this can really impact our lives.

17:08 And if you're dealing with negativity in your household, how are you dealing with that? How are you processing that? Are you having conversations with this person? Like I like when I have to deal with negative people, which I try not to, but when I do, you know, after I hear them bring up like fifteen thousand things that are negative, I'll be like, hey, do you have a posit? Let's le's talk about something that's good going on in your life. Let's discuss one thing that you think is positive. I also realize that a lot of negative people gossip. They're constantly gossiping me about other people's business. They're constantly talking and judging about what everybody else is doing. I mean, that's like negative alone in its own I mean, I don't care what other people are doing. It gets to a point where, you know, it's interesting, you know, being in you know, in counseling and coaching, I hear a lot of things and I don't have any judgment, and I hear some wild, wild stuff. But you know, like I'll go out, you know and do something social and somebody will start trying to gossip with me about somebody's wife or husband or whatever, and I'm like, I have no interest whatsoever. I am not in that person's life.

18:12 I do not care what's going on. I mean, I wish them the best of luck, but I don't care what's going on in their life. And I don't want to talk about that because me talking about that lowers my vibration down. Now I'm in this gossip Yeah, this gossip soup going on here where I'm talking about somebody's life that I don't even really know, and I feel like a lot of negative people do that. They like to talk about everybody else because they don't want to look at themselves. They don't want to look at their own issues because that's too much. So they'll judge everybody in their perimeter. They'll judge even people they don't know. They'll even judge their own family members and everybody else and friends, and they'll talk behind their back about how horrible they are. And that's something that is really toxic, because I don't know if you've ever known people like that.

18:59 I have known people in my past that I try to be friends with that just didn't work, where it was like you would be alone with them and they would literally bring up every single person that you commonly know with this person and just talk crap about them. And I don't know about you, but you know, I kind of saw the writing on the wall, and maybe that was wrong, but I was like, huh, I wonder if you talk crap about me, you know, I mean, you're talking crap about these fifteen people for these two hours we're having some wine. I hate to be, you know, on the other side of that. I wonder when that you know, I was like, I gotta kind of move I gotta move on, because this isn't the type of person. If you're gonna talk all this stuff about your friends, that's not a good sign. You don't have anybody's back, and that's not somebody that I want to put my time and effort into. So when you think about positivity, how many people in your life are positive? How many people are genuinely positive? And you like to communicate with how many people bring happiness and joy into your life?

19:55 And no, let me let me get this right. Though people cannot make you happy. You have to make yourself happy. People cannot give you peace. You have to give yourself peace. But people can bring in good energy and they can be there for you. It's different. How many people do you have in your life that's doing that right now? And I want you to really think about this. This is like roll call. I want you to really get in this and think about these concepts because the more you get into these concepts, the more you start evaluating your life. And this is powerful because we need to do life evaluations all the time to start cleaning house or to realize where certain things are coming from. This is important. This is important times to think about it.

20:40 How many people in your life are realistic? So and then how are you as a person? You know, what, how are you as a person? Where do you stand when you look at the positivity, the toxic positivity, the negativity and the realistic concept? How do you stand within this? And I feel that the higher you can vibrate, so it's taking away from the toxic positivity and getting away from the negativity. If you can be within that positivity and realistic and realism, you really are on a different level of vibration and energy amongst the people on our planet. You're already looking at things from a better perspective because you're actually thinking about things logically, but you're also having a tinge of seeing things in a better light. I believe that the way that we see the world directly relates to how the world is for us. So if we see the world as a very safe, great place, it's gonna be more that way than not. If we see the world as a very scary place and we have the news on twenty four to seven and can't leave our house because of fear, and we're constantly hearing about somebody being abducted or this sort of thing. You're gonna see the world as a very scary, evil place that you don't necessarily want to deal with. And that's what I'm saying here. This is the whole concept. Today's show is just I want you to evaluate where you are because I know there's a lot of information coming in.

22:05 I call it browbeating. This is what they do, is a browbeating means they throw all this stuff at you on the news, and all these reports and all these things come in, all these files. Okay, doesn't seem like anything's happening, doesn't seem like anybody's getting there. You know, they're just doue, you know, And so they keep throwing that out there more and more and more and more. You keep overwhelming. You're like consuming all this information, but where does it go? And so there's a time where you have to shut down this information overload, refocus on your life. What can I control? And I'm not saying we should not be activist for things like I'm anti animal testing. I really wish they would stop with these horrible animal testing. I really wish they would stop with like multiple things. And so I'm not gonna stop saying what I say. I'm not gonna stop, you know, getting behind organizations that are doing this. I'm not you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna be there and support you know, you know, you know, animal rights groups. I'm gonna be there and support you know, dogs and cats, re home organizations that are trying to help the homeless population, these animals that are being dumped and all this stuff. It has to be done. But there's a level of some of this other stuff that gets really really over our head as far as you know, how do we change it?

23:11 And there's some things we can change, but I need you to only take as much bites as you can, because I think sometimes we get overloaded, and then when we get overloaded and we get browbeat, right, we can't process at all. And I know that some of you, you know, we're watching all these things on TV. We're seeing everything that's happening. We're watching these the war and the changes and the things that are happening in the White House and everything else, and we're trying to figure out We're looking at the economy, and we're looking at all this everything that's happening, and these files and this and that and everything is just piling up, and so I need you to step back and say, Hey, what can I what can I control? What am I willing to deal with? And how do I refocus some of this energy back on my life to create something in my life that can better society, that can better the world, that can better the people around me, that can better myself?

23:58 How do I do that? And that's where I want you to sit with after listening to this podcast, I want you to think about that. What are some things that you want to do in your life that you've put on the back burner. What are some things that you want to do that's important to you that you think could be helpful. Are there parts of you, your personality, your direction, your dreams that you haven't really tapped into. What are those Let's figure that out, Start taking some notes, start journaling. You know, are there things from your childhood that you love to do, like photography or collecting, or doing these various things, or playing a sport or playing tennis or whatever it is that you need incorporate. And I know these things sound small, but there's a whole, well rounded individual that needs to be cultivated. We can't just focus on spirituality. One. We can't just focus on relationships, or we can't just focus on our career, or we can't just focus on our health. We got to focus on all these things that make us who we are.

24:51 And that's what I want you to kind of deep dive into in a practical, realistic, positive manner that you can exe on a daily basis. And this is some very positive stuff you know that we're thinking of, and I want you to do that. I want you to really look around you and see the people in your life. And I'm not talking about judgment, just being honest with where they are in their life, the type of reality that they bring to the table, you know, the type of energy that they bring to you. Are they bringing the right energy to you? Is this the kind of energy that you want in your life? Is this what you want? Is this good for you? Is this healthy for you? And if there are people in your life that aren't healthy, think about it. I mean some of you might be married to people that are unhealthy. Some of you may be, uh, you know, your mom or dad could be very challenging and very negative or y this or that you need. We've got to figure out how to limit time around certain people. There might be some relationships that need to be augmented, changed or stopped.

25:52 There might be some conversations and I know you might be you know, nauseated from so many trying to conversate with people telling them, But maybe there needs to be some things said, Hey, you know, I love you and care about you, but I'm not really gonna deal with this negativity anymore. I mean, you need to figure out your life and maybe look at yourself and understand the victim reality and see what you're bringing to the table, and have some hard, cold conversations because I do think that sometimes you have to say how you feel. You got to step back and recognize that some people are going to change because they want to and others are not. And as long as you know that, okay, you can make your changes. Maybe you know it's a family member that you need to step back from spend less time with.

26:34 Maybe there's someone at the office that you need to spend less time with. Maybe there's someone you need to kind of you know, make a comment, say what you got to say, and kind of move on. You know, maybe there's a relationship right now that's really super early bringing you down and it's really creating havoc in your life, and you need to figure out what are you going to do to safeguard yourself? Do you have a plan? Are you ready to change that, are you ready to augment that relationship? What are you going to do? And then this is something that I want you to really focus on. I know it's a big picture concept, but this is how we make changes in our life to better our life. And also, when you start being aware of the people that are toxically positive or the people that are super negative in your life, you start realizing these patterns. You also start seeing their life and how they control or guilt people. And then you also realize where you stand with those people and also see you know, this isn't bringing happiness to me, this isn't bringing peace to me. A step back, how do we step back?

27:30 And having some of these conversations with people before you step back is appropriate, just so they know where you're at. And then you can say, hey, I tried everything I could, I did what I needed to do, I turned over every rock. I'm feeling good about that. I didn't just leave them hanging not knowing what's happening. But at the same time, I had to be honest, and then I have to safeguard myself by having some distance here. And I think that would be a positive things. Right right up, a list of the people you might have to have a conversation with, think about how you want that conversation to go. Oh, as many times as you can do it in person is better. If you can't, you know, get on a phone call, get on a FaceTime. But remember you're the only reason you're having these conversations is you're trying to preserve the relationship. You're trying to keep the relationship. But you can't keep the relationship where it is right now because that's not healthy for you or feasible for you, And in all honesty, it's not really healthy for them either, because you're allowing them to do this, which is also creating havoc in their life. You're not saying anything about it. It's harming you, it's upsetting you.

28:29 You're allowing them to sit and stew in this negativity or not dealing with their emotions with the toxic positivity, and so it's not really being right. So if you really care about somebody, you sometimes have to call this out. And I think it's the right thing to do, so think about that, marinate in that today, and I hope that you've enjoyed this podcast, and there'll be more podcasts every week here on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and anywhere that you listen to podcasts. Also check out YouTube. If you haven't already, please subscribe to my channel, Life Coach Ashley Burgess. We put up at least two new videos every week and we're getting closer. We almost have two hundred thousand subscribers, so please subscribe, share it with your friends and family. It helps you. It's all about everything from self awareness to borderline personality, to narcissistic trades, to finding happiness and healthy relationships, you know, working on your marriage, dealing with the roommate situation. So definitely check it out.

29:26 Just go to YouTube and put in life Coach Ashley Burgess. Please share this podcast with other people that need to hear this. I appreciate you and I'll see you next time on the Ashley Burgess Podcast