April 9, 2025

Are you Codependent in a Relationship with Someone Taking Advantage of You? [Ep.792]

Are you Codependent in a Relationship with Someone Taking Advantage of You? [Ep.792]

Are you feeling more codependent in your personal relationship than ever before? Do you feel that you are being taken advantage of and feeling as though you are loosing your identity? Some relationships begin in a whirlwind style -fast and furious and...

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Are you feeling more codependent in your personal relationship than ever before? Do you feel that you are being taken advantage of and feeling as though you are loosing your identity? Some relationships begin in a whirlwind style -fast and furious and then when the dust settles you begin to observe the ups and downs. You begin to see the extremes in the other person’s actions, attitudes, responses, and general attitude towards you. You may be on top of the pedestal one day and the very next day the worst person on the planet. They may be asking you for help or need your assistance with their latest problem. Whether it’s the sob stories that keep you engaged or giving you the silent treatment to trip you up, either way you feel as though you have a second job, and that job is this current relationship. If you have wanted out but can’t seem to get out of your current relationship, and you are feeling taken advantage of and stuck, you need to listen to this podcast.

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You're in a good place now. You are listening to

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Perspectives with Ashley Burgets. Welcome back Live to Live Your

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True Life Perspectives and I'm your host, Ashley Burgess. On

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today's show, I will be discussing how to know when

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you become codependent in a relationship and you're in a

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relationship with someone that is actually taking advantage of you.

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And this is very important to understand, very important to acknowledge.

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It's one thing if you're in a relationship with someone

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else that's also codependent, that's also giving in there. Because

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codependency is not always a bad thing. It's not always

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a good thing, and it can be very toxic and

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painful when we're in a relationship with the wrong folks.

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And that's what we want to talk about today, and

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we want to acknowledge what it really means, how to

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know what are the symptoms? How do we know straight

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up this is exactly what's happening, this is what's happening

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in my life. And I have this with coroborating factual evidence,

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and that's what we're going to talk about today. And

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I want to be again with discussing the rescue mission.

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It's like We're always coming to the rescue for this person,

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no matter what's happening. We're always coming to the rescue,

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saving them, saving them from theirselves, saving them from their ex,

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saving them from their family, I mean, whatever it is,

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saving them from their boss. It's like we're always coming

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as the rescuer or the savior for this person, and

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they don't seem to be able to do things on

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their own or for themselves. And sometimes eventually, over time

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we begin to realize that this is part of their prerogative,

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this is part of their way of life. But in

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the beginning, we kind of like feel, oh, I should

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do this, I should help and it seems to give

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us well, I don't know, we feel good about ourselves.

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Look what I'm doing. I'm helping this person. I feel

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good about my contributions. I feel good about being there

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for this person. And you know, when we do have

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codependent tendencies, we have to remember that we get a

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lot of value personal value from helping other people. So

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it's not just the value of ourselves as I'm a

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valuable person, me just being is a valuable person. That's

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really not a part of our thought process or vocabulary.

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It's more like, Hey, I help these people, I do

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these things, Therefore I'm valuable, and so think about it.

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The rescue mission is the perfect puzzle piece. Okay, perfect

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puzzle piece is someone who is going to be taking

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advantage of you, and that could be you know, multiple

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different types of people with multiple cluster B dynamics, a

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combination of There's a lot of things that are going

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on here. So I don't want to just specify, Hey,

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this is always about narcissists, or this is always about

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people that have borderline tendencies, and this is always about

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somebody with histrionic or this or that. I don't want

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to do that because it really does seem to kind

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of cross over. And I like to just kind of

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specify when somebody's taking advantage of you, or there's some

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toxicity there where this person isn't upholding their endo the bargain,

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this person isn't bringing as much to the table as

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you are. It's paling into comparison. And another aspect that

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I want to bring up that I think is very

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important is that you find yourself supporting them, not only

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emotionally all the time. Many of you are emotionally supporting

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somebody all the time, constantly, they need you for everything,

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which you may be finding yourself financially supporting them as well,

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and many of you are doing both. So not only

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are you there supporting them emotionally and being there for

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whatever problems or woes that they have, you're also supporting

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them financially, whether you're supporting them their lifestyle, their children,

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you know, you know their rent, their mortgage, you know

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their extended education, you know their bar tab. Whatever it

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is that you're doing, you're doing usually one or the

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other or both, and usually it starts with emotional support,

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where maybe they're going through a divorce and you're there

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and you're trying to be there for them, or they're

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going through a life change, or you know, they had

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a situation with a family member, or they lost their job,

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you know, all these different things. But then eventually that

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starts to write. It's like a snowball effect. Okay, so

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they lost their job, you're there for them, they haven't

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been able to find anything, or maybe they haven't really

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been looking, and now they've got to make payments on

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this and you find yourself making a car payment, you know,

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making an apartment payment, making whatever, and so that can

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really start adding up. But the reason why you have

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a tendency of continuing to do it is this other person,

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in the moments where you were really giving, they you know,

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put you on that pedestal. Oh my god, if it

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wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here. If it wasn't

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for you, I wouldn't have my house or whatever, or

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you know, whatever that is that they paint that at

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that moment. And it would be one thing if they

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were always just very like, you know, gracious and have gratitude.

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But you're not going to find that in these types

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of relationships, right, You're going to see the opposite as well.

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You know, they will turn on you, and we'll talk

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about that too, because that's a really big thing, because

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they try to control you as well, and a lot

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of this is about mind control, mind control and also

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emotional control. Right, if I say all the right things

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at all the right times, and it's it's perfect for

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the code of Pendant, then you're going to stick in

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this relationship longer than you probably should, and you're going

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to actually know it probably eventually, because remember, eventually the

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mask does fall a bit. Eventually we do see some

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of the reality or we get a taste of that

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reality that we have to come to terms with. You know,

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I've heard from many clients, and you know, I've been

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doing this for quite some time, so a lot of

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clients I've heard about, you know, they get the SOB stories.

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The other person will tell the SOB stories about their

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life or you know, their finances or their children, or

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their divorce or whatever. And you know, you listen to

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it and you're there and it kind of seems to

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almost pull you back in. And a lot of times

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these SOB stories are told to you at a specific time. Okay,

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you may have began to maybe wake up a bit

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on the codependency thinking, you know what, I'm realizing, I

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am really a codependent in this relationship. And there's a

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lot of things about this relationship I don't like, and

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there's a lot of things that I'm doing in this

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relationship that I don't like, and I probably need to

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take a step back and analyze this because I don't

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think this is for my highest good. But then at

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the same time, you take that step back, and it's

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almost like they know it immediately. Oh my god, she

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or he is taking that step back, and it's it's

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and you know, people feel energy, right, so it doesn't

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even have to be conscious, right, it could be subconscious.

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And all of a sudden, the next thing you know,

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you're getting a call, Oh, had this happen to day

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at work? It's horrible, And you catch yourself listening to

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this whole story or whatever. It's like, you know, or

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my ex did this to me and sent this to

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me and I have to go to court over this

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in the next month or whatever it is, and you

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find yourself sucked right back in, hoovered right back into

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the situation, you know, trying to be you know, that

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that savior, that helper, you know, which is great. It's

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nice to help people. I'm not saying that helping people

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is a bad thing at all, by by any means.

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I'm not saying that. But I am saying that we

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want to help people that also can help us, but

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we also want to help people that can also help themselves.

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And I think this is very important for us to

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acknowledge in all of our relationships, because many of us

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have one sided relationships or unequal relationships or relationships that

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you can do you can't do this, or you can't

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do that, but they can't right, it's uneven. It's not

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the same They don't they don't have to by the

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same rules is they ask you to abide by. So

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it can be very challenging to kind of analyze and

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deal with when you know you're not able to do

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things that they apparently are able to do. And so

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that's an interesting aspect as well, and we'll talk more

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about that too, because in those types of relationships, at

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the beginning, you don't really think about it, but it's

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not until midway that you start analyzing. This is interesting

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because this is a little lopsided, right, it's a little lopsided.

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Another aspect that I find when you have become codependent

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and see the thing is I say become so some

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of us have that codependent gene, but for many of us,

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the codependency in a relationship really doesn't show up until

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that's the perfect puzzle piece where somebody's kind of taking

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advantage of that. And the only time that you're getting

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their attention or you're getting you know, that connection with

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them is when you're giving. And then you kind of

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lose sight, not that you're trying to keep score, but

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you lose sight of how much you're giving and then

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you also lose sight of how many problems this person

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has constantly and all the problems that you're listening to

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in the relationship, and you start forgetting about all that, right,

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you start forgetting about it. And so I want to

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really think, I want you to think about it. And

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I'm not harping on it, but I want to really

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if I was going to say underlining it in a paragraph,

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is that in these relationships, you can't have any problems

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of your own. You can't have any issues like you

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can't because there's no room for any of your issues.

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There's absolutely no room. Right where is the room. There

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is no room. Oh my god, all the air has

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been sucked out of the room by that person, not you,

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by them. And so if you have any problems, let's say,

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like you know you're back on your taxes, which is scary,

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or you know you're down some money and you're needing

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to kind of scrape by to get some stuff done

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that month, you know, you really can't talk talk about it.

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When you bring it up, they discredit it or blow

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it off, or it's not that big of a deal,

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or it will be fine, or they don't even hear

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you they don't even hear you talk. They just start

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talking over you, or you know, they just kind of

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make light about it, or they flip the script and

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talk about their problem, right, because their problem is bigger

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than ours, their problem is more acute than ours, which

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it's not. But they can't even process the fact that

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you have an issue they don't, and that it's so

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hard for them to process anything outside of themselves because remember,

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it's all about them. It's always been about them, what

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they want when they want to see you, what their

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schedule looks like, what their responsibilities are, what their work

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schedule is. It's not and you're over there going, oh,

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how do I move my schedule to make it work

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for them? Which is so painful, Which is very painful

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in the relationship because you're the one that's constantly trying

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to make the changes. You're the one that's kind of

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trying to move around and to be fluid to be

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there for them, when they're not at all doing that.

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They're not trying to be fluid with you. They're not

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trying to do any of that with you. They don't

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even think about that. I mean, you're over there moving mountains,

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you're at work, realizing I'm gonna be working until seven,

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and you're over there moving appointments because this person has

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said that they want to get together at six o'clock

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and that's their only time they can get together. And

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you're over there trying to move mountains to try to

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make something work. And it's hard because often they haven't

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ever moved mountains to make anything work in the relationship.

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Yet they don't plan it on it and they're not

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going to. But there you are, moving mountains to make

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things work. And at the same process, you can't have

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any problems, and you can't talk about your problems. And

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if you bring up your problems or issues, I mean, oh,

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you can handle that. You can do that. I mean

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you're you're you're good at that. I mean you're strong, right,

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You'll be fine. It's not a big deal, you know.

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And and it's hard because you know, if they had

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an issue that was you know, you know, one sixtieth

226
00:12:03.240 --> 00:12:06.039
of your situation, they would be like full on crying

227
00:12:06.120 --> 00:12:08.559
or freaking out or having to melt down or screaming

228
00:12:08.600 --> 00:12:11.559
and yelling, you know, And it's just you just don't

229
00:12:11.559 --> 00:12:15.120
have the ability to do that because they take center

230
00:12:15.159 --> 00:12:19.679
stage and in the same thought process. You can't ask

231
00:12:19.720 --> 00:12:22.759
them for help because they can't really help you, and

232
00:12:22.799 --> 00:12:26.240
they don't really want to help you because they're really

233
00:12:26.279 --> 00:12:29.399
thinking about what they need to do. Like you find

234
00:12:29.440 --> 00:12:32.399
yourself going on all these runs for them. For example,

235
00:12:32.559 --> 00:12:35.639
like you know, maybe on the weekend, the person you're

236
00:12:35.759 --> 00:12:38.559
dating or seeing is they have off work, and so

237
00:12:38.639 --> 00:12:40.320
next you know, they're like when they need to entertain

238
00:12:40.440 --> 00:12:43.200
them or they need to go run errands, and you

239
00:12:43.240 --> 00:12:45.799
find yourself running errands with them, which is not necessarily

240
00:12:45.879 --> 00:12:47.879
a horrible thing, but when it comes to you needed

241
00:12:47.879 --> 00:12:49.919
to run an errand, Oh, yeah, I won't be able

242
00:12:49.919 --> 00:12:53.320
to go. Yeah, that doesn't fit into my schedule. Oh

243
00:12:53.360 --> 00:12:56.399
you're going to church, Yeah I'm I'm not going. Oh

244
00:12:56.440 --> 00:12:58.480
you're going over there to get that auto part, Yeah

245
00:12:58.559 --> 00:13:01.039
I'm not interested. Hey I'm gonna head back. You know,

246
00:13:01.200 --> 00:13:05.320
even though you've run multiple countless, countless hundreds of errands

247
00:13:05.320 --> 00:13:10.200
of things that you had no desire to do, but

248
00:13:10.279 --> 00:13:14.720
you still went. And the worst part about it is

249
00:13:14.720 --> 00:13:17.879
is you still went and you cancel stuff that you

250
00:13:17.919 --> 00:13:22.399
needed to do. You actually canceled really important stuff that

251
00:13:22.440 --> 00:13:24.919
you needed to get done for work or for whatever

252
00:13:24.960 --> 00:13:28.480
it was. To go on this pilgrimage to do something

253
00:13:28.639 --> 00:13:32.000
you don't want to do. But when it comes to hey,

254
00:13:32.039 --> 00:13:33.600
can you go down the street with me real quick

255
00:13:33.639 --> 00:13:35.720
and let's take care of this, it'll take you know,

256
00:13:35.799 --> 00:13:38.159
take an hour. Yeah don't. I don't have that kind

257
00:13:38.200 --> 00:13:41.399
of time. Yeah, you probably need to go on your own.

258
00:13:41.519 --> 00:13:43.200
But you know it can't go now because we need

259
00:13:43.200 --> 00:13:45.600
to go do this right now, okay, And so you

260
00:13:45.679 --> 00:13:48.320
can't ask for help. And so the other thing is

261
00:13:48.320 --> 00:13:50.120
is that you end up having all these things you

262
00:13:50.200 --> 00:13:52.639
have to do and piling it in all at one

263
00:13:52.720 --> 00:13:55.559
time and doing it. And a lot of times when

264
00:13:55.600 --> 00:13:57.600
you're trying to get that stuff done, that's when they're

265
00:13:57.639 --> 00:14:00.200
calling you, wondering what you're doing, or where you're at,

266
00:14:00.279 --> 00:14:02.360
or who you're spending time with, or why aren't you

267
00:14:02.519 --> 00:14:04.399
entertaining me? Or where are we going or what are

268
00:14:04.399 --> 00:14:06.679
we doing? And you're thinking, what am I going to do?

269
00:14:06.720 --> 00:14:09.200
I have all these stuff piling up, I'm not getting

270
00:14:09.200 --> 00:14:12.440
anything done, and I find myself doing all this other

271
00:14:12.480 --> 00:14:17.039
stuff that's not really benefiting me. And the problem with

272
00:14:17.120 --> 00:14:20.600
the codependency when we have this is that we're trying

273
00:14:20.639 --> 00:14:23.480
to like hold on in this relationship we're trying to

274
00:14:23.519 --> 00:14:25.519
make the best out of it. We're trying to do

275
00:14:25.600 --> 00:14:28.000
what we can. And in the beginning, it was almost

276
00:14:28.039 --> 00:14:32.080
like we were trained, like they needed something, they needed

277
00:14:32.120 --> 00:14:36.039
help with whatever, and we started helping. And it felt

278
00:14:36.039 --> 00:14:38.720
good initially that we did help and it felt good

279
00:14:39.200 --> 00:14:41.399
and we felt good about it, and that's great, and

280
00:14:41.399 --> 00:14:45.000
we feel like we were contributing. But over time that

281
00:14:45.159 --> 00:14:49.320
changes and you kind of start seeing through it. And

282
00:14:49.519 --> 00:14:53.120
as you begin to see through it, I think a

283
00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:56.879
lot of times it begins when usually in these relationships,

284
00:14:56.879 --> 00:14:59.159
the reasons why it makes it uneven, the reason why

285
00:14:59.200 --> 00:15:01.919
they are toxic, the reason why the person's taking advantage

286
00:15:01.960 --> 00:15:06.320
of you is they turn on you. They turn on you,

287
00:15:06.360 --> 00:15:08.480
so they go from being happy with you to not

288
00:15:08.639 --> 00:15:12.480
happy with you. They go from being happy with you

289
00:15:12.639 --> 00:15:15.440
too mad at you. They might even yell at you

290
00:15:15.559 --> 00:15:18.759
or call you names, or turn on you or act

291
00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:22.960
one way or another, and that's painful. You might get

292
00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:26.720
the barrage of text messages asking where you are, what

293
00:15:26.759 --> 00:15:29.919
are you doing, what's going on? I haven't heard from

294
00:15:29.919 --> 00:15:32.759
you in an hour. You're out doing this or that,

295
00:15:32.960 --> 00:15:36.639
when you might be at work, and when you finally

296
00:15:36.679 --> 00:15:39.159
text back, you know, maybe they give you the silent treatment,

297
00:15:39.240 --> 00:15:41.960
or they're passive aggressive with you, or they go well

298
00:15:42.080 --> 00:15:46.320
silent for maybe ten, fifteen, twenty four hours, And it's

299
00:15:46.360 --> 00:15:48.559
okay if they do it, but if you go silent

300
00:15:48.639 --> 00:15:51.159
more than maybe an hour or two, that's a problem. Right.

301
00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:55.120
So it's definitely one sided and the fact that one person,

302
00:15:55.639 --> 00:16:00.399
you know, has to like live by certain rules while

303
00:16:00.559 --> 00:16:04.399
the other person the rules don't apply. And that's a

304
00:16:04.440 --> 00:16:06.960
big sign too that we deal with is that usually

305
00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:11.159
in these relationships, the other person is constantly asking questions

306
00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:14.720
about us that we would never ask about them, We

307
00:16:14.759 --> 00:16:18.240
would never ask of them. It's just not part of it.

308
00:16:19.120 --> 00:16:21.000
But you begin to start wondering, why is it that

309
00:16:21.039 --> 00:16:23.240
they're always asking me these crazy questions? And why don't

310
00:16:23.279 --> 00:16:26.279
I ever ask back? Why do I hold back? And

311
00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:29.720
that's a big question because sometimes holding back is what's

312
00:16:29.759 --> 00:16:32.080
getting in the way of your growth and their growth.

313
00:16:32.120 --> 00:16:35.320
And I know some of you say, oh, yeah, well yeah,

314
00:16:35.360 --> 00:16:40.600
so she went you know, you know, noncommunicative for five

315
00:16:40.639 --> 00:16:43.000
hours and I almost going to call her out. What

316
00:16:43.080 --> 00:16:44.759
happens if I call her out? What is she going

317
00:16:44.840 --> 00:16:48.600
to do? Then? You know, you know, blow up? You know,

318
00:16:48.720 --> 00:16:50.919
blow up your phone yell at you. You know, I

319
00:16:50.919 --> 00:16:52.639
don't know. I don't know what the responses. And I

320
00:16:52.720 --> 00:16:56.159
understand many of you are scared because you've been trained,

321
00:16:57.399 --> 00:17:00.679
trained not to do this. I better or not, you know,

322
00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:04.200
I better not rock the boat, God forbid. You know,

323
00:17:04.480 --> 00:17:09.519
the freaking evil demon comes out or the silent treatment happens,

324
00:17:09.519 --> 00:17:11.200
and I can't handle that, Like I don't know where

325
00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:13.680
they are or what they're doing for days on end,

326
00:17:14.200 --> 00:17:16.240
and then eventually they come back around. It's like this,

327
00:17:16.640 --> 00:17:21.039
you know, quiet punishment. The quiet punishment is always a real,

328
00:17:21.359 --> 00:17:24.599
real horrible thing to do to people, especially if somebody

329
00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:27.599
has code pendit tendencies. It's really hard to deal with

330
00:17:27.640 --> 00:17:31.079
somebody going, you know, silent with you and not responding,

331
00:17:31.160 --> 00:17:34.599
reading text, not responding, maybe turning their reader seats off right,

332
00:17:35.559 --> 00:17:39.839
and an effort to make even more just coombobulated. And

333
00:17:39.880 --> 00:17:43.319
then they come back around as if nothing's happened, everything's fine,

334
00:17:44.039 --> 00:17:46.000
you know, and some of you may have asked what happened,

335
00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:48.279
but they, you know, they fight with you, they blow

336
00:17:48.359 --> 00:17:50.839
you off, maybe they start an argument with you. You know,

337
00:17:51.160 --> 00:17:53.960
oh we're not doing this again, are we? You know,

338
00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:55.400
But if you were to do that it would be

339
00:17:55.440 --> 00:18:00.319
World War three. You know, I also think too, one

340
00:18:00.319 --> 00:18:02.519
of the biggest things that I find with a lot

341
00:18:02.559 --> 00:18:05.119
of folks who are dealing with these types of relationships,

342
00:18:06.119 --> 00:18:08.519
these these relationships where you become more and more and

343
00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:11.960
more codependent over time, is that you don't make plans

344
00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:14.759
of your own anymore in fear that you're going to

345
00:18:14.839 --> 00:18:17.400
miss out on something, or in fear that they're going

346
00:18:17.440 --> 00:18:20.319
to ask you to do something, And so you find

347
00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:23.599
yourself waiting around for them to make a decision about

348
00:18:23.599 --> 00:18:28.000
what they're gonna do. You find yourself waiting around, holding

349
00:18:28.039 --> 00:18:31.839
your breath, waiting to see are they going to do something,

350
00:18:31.920 --> 00:18:36.400
are they going to make a move, what's going to happen?

351
00:18:37.640 --> 00:18:40.920
And these are interesting things to think about because it's

352
00:18:40.960 --> 00:18:43.680
not like this relationship. You know, they're giving and they're

353
00:18:43.720 --> 00:18:46.119
helping you, and you're helping them, and it's kind of

354
00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:47.880
an even street. You don't have to be even, but

355
00:18:47.960 --> 00:18:50.759
close to even. You know, those are great, that's a

356
00:18:50.799 --> 00:18:54.799
great relationship, you know, that's that's a good, solid relationship.

357
00:18:55.480 --> 00:18:58.480
But we're not talking about that. We're talking about you know,

358
00:18:59.039 --> 00:19:03.119
they're they're expecting you to provide all of their support

359
00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:07.960
emotionally and financially, sometimes emotional even you know, even mental interests,

360
00:19:07.960 --> 00:19:12.359
even you know, entertaining them, they're they're they're, they're expecting that.

361
00:19:13.720 --> 00:19:16.200
And then you're there kind of just holding on, not

362
00:19:16.279 --> 00:19:20.079
getting any support of your own. And I think once

363
00:19:20.119 --> 00:19:22.079
you finally get to that point for a long period

364
00:19:22.119 --> 00:19:24.359
of time, that's when it begins to think, in what

365
00:19:24.440 --> 00:19:27.240
am I doing? But this stuff has become really ingrained.

366
00:19:28.319 --> 00:19:30.799
You know, you've been taught Okay, I'm gonna write. When

367
00:19:30.839 --> 00:19:33.240
they call, I better answer the phone. They rang three times,

368
00:19:33.240 --> 00:19:35.519
A better answer, God forbid. It goes to voicemail and

369
00:19:35.559 --> 00:19:37.519
I get to hear about how I didn't answer the phone,

370
00:19:38.759 --> 00:19:40.640
you know, or they're texting, Oh my god, I can't

371
00:19:40.640 --> 00:19:43.079
wait another twenty minutes, Vinyl text back. It's going to

372
00:19:43.119 --> 00:19:46.200
be this barrage a text and and you get trained

373
00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:47.799
into this, even if you don't want to do it,

374
00:19:47.839 --> 00:19:50.640
you get trained to do this. You get trained to

375
00:19:50.759 --> 00:19:53.759
take care of them, You get trained to be there

376
00:19:53.880 --> 00:19:58.440
there beck and call. And many of you that are

377
00:19:58.480 --> 00:20:00.599
dealing with this, I know it's like you see it.

378
00:20:00.640 --> 00:20:02.440
You're like, God, I know what I'm doing and I

379
00:20:03.359 --> 00:20:05.680
hate it. And see that's where we have to be

380
00:20:05.759 --> 00:20:07.640
very careful is we don't want to get so angry

381
00:20:07.720 --> 00:20:12.839
at ourselves that we lose sight of the big picture

382
00:20:14.240 --> 00:20:16.440
and how to get out of this and how to

383
00:20:16.440 --> 00:20:20.359
get ourselves back. And I think that because of the

384
00:20:20.359 --> 00:20:25.200
blame and shame of what's happening in this relationship, it

385
00:20:25.279 --> 00:20:30.000
becomes that way, right, the blame and shame. You know,

386
00:20:30.079 --> 00:20:32.279
it's like, oh God, I can't believe I'm doing this.

387
00:20:32.440 --> 00:20:34.839
You know, I'm a grown man, or I'm a grown woman,

388
00:20:34.880 --> 00:20:36.920
and I can't believe I'm putting myself through this. Year

389
00:20:37.000 --> 00:20:39.960
after year, I'm still involved with this stuff. It hasn't

390
00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:42.680
gotten any better. It's actually gotten worse. Every single month

391
00:20:42.720 --> 00:20:44.720
gets a little worse, a little worse, a little worse.

392
00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:47.359
I'm still holding out hope, but you know, the more

393
00:20:47.440 --> 00:20:49.160
I hold out hope, the worse it gets. But then

394
00:20:49.200 --> 00:20:51.559
all of a sudden, when it gets really bad and

395
00:20:51.640 --> 00:20:53.720
I'm really down about it, all of a sudden he

396
00:20:53.799 --> 00:20:56.640
or she comes back and you know, gives me that carrot,

397
00:20:56.720 --> 00:20:59.640
you know, oh gosh, you know, something happens or tells

398
00:20:59.640 --> 00:21:01.559
me you know how great I am, or puts me

399
00:21:01.599 --> 00:21:04.279
back on that pedestal or whatever it is and now

400
00:21:04.319 --> 00:21:07.480
I'm back again. I'm back, I'm back here, I'm in

401
00:21:07.559 --> 00:21:11.000
charge here, I'm back again. And I know that many

402
00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:13.000
of them are like, yeah, that's exactly how it feels.

403
00:21:14.240 --> 00:21:16.720
And it can be painful, it can be challenging, you know,

404
00:21:16.799 --> 00:21:21.880
and you start losing yourself. And that's the biggest caveat

405
00:21:22.319 --> 00:21:25.319
of these types of relationships, is you lose your own

406
00:21:25.400 --> 00:21:29.279
identity because you're too busy trying to take care of them.

407
00:21:30.240 --> 00:21:34.160
They have literally become the center of your attention, I

408
00:21:34.279 --> 00:21:37.119
mean the center of your attention. You focus on them

409
00:21:37.200 --> 00:21:40.440
all the time, you help them through all of their problems.

410
00:21:40.759 --> 00:21:44.119
Your problems go to the waystside. Your stuff that you

411
00:21:44.240 --> 00:21:47.119
have to do gets put off to the side, things

412
00:21:47.200 --> 00:21:50.319
don't get done, and over time, it's just a saddening

413
00:21:50.400 --> 00:21:52.599
situation because you're like, gosh, I have all these things

414
00:21:52.640 --> 00:21:54.039
I got to do in my life, I have all

415
00:21:54.039 --> 00:21:57.160
this stuff. I've neglected these things, I put these things

416
00:21:57.200 --> 00:21:59.599
on the back burner. What do I have to show

417
00:21:59.680 --> 00:22:02.960
for the last three, five, ten years of this relationship.

418
00:22:04.000 --> 00:22:06.359
And I'm not saying that there's not some good aspects

419
00:22:06.720 --> 00:22:09.319
not you know, every relationship is not just horrible in

420
00:22:09.359 --> 00:22:12.599
and of itself. But it's about, you know, the percentage.

421
00:22:12.680 --> 00:22:15.119
You know, how much do you feel good about being

422
00:22:15.160 --> 00:22:17.519
in the relationship. You know, how do you feel good

423
00:22:17.599 --> 00:22:19.799
or do you feel good about your identity or do

424
00:22:19.839 --> 00:22:22.079
you feel like you've lost your identity? You know, in

425
00:22:22.480 --> 00:22:24.839
relationships where we feel like we have begun to lose

426
00:22:24.880 --> 00:22:29.960
our identity, we feel lost. We might feel very personally

427
00:22:30.039 --> 00:22:34.480
angry at ourselves and maybe many of us have worked

428
00:22:34.519 --> 00:22:37.640
toward things over our life and then all of a sudden,

429
00:22:37.680 --> 00:22:39.559
you know, when we get in this relationship, we kind

430
00:22:39.559 --> 00:22:42.559
of just drop everything, you know, we kind of fall

431
00:22:42.599 --> 00:22:45.680
into it. And then over time it's like this relationship

432
00:22:45.720 --> 00:22:50.119
becomes all of us. It's like all encompassing, and you know,

433
00:22:50.160 --> 00:22:52.519
when you get there, it's like how do I get out?

434
00:22:52.519 --> 00:22:54.680
It's like trying to dig yourself out of a ditch?

435
00:22:54.720 --> 00:22:56.359
You know, how do I get out of the ditch?

436
00:22:57.000 --> 00:22:59.039
And how do I move out of this? And you know,

437
00:22:59.119 --> 00:23:02.079
and one of the things that can really analyze as

438
00:23:02.119 --> 00:23:04.319
we're trying to figure out how to you know, ditch

439
00:23:04.400 --> 00:23:09.559
dig is basically like, hey, first off, how did I

440
00:23:09.680 --> 00:23:12.880
get here? How did I get here in this relationship?

441
00:23:12.920 --> 00:23:15.279
How did I get here? Did I really want this relationship.

442
00:23:15.359 --> 00:23:17.559
Is this really what I wanted? You know? Is this

443
00:23:17.640 --> 00:23:19.559
the person I really wanted to be with? Is this

444
00:23:19.680 --> 00:23:21.559
really what I want in my life? And this is

445
00:23:21.599 --> 00:23:23.880
a big question for you to ask yourself. I mean,

446
00:23:23.960 --> 00:23:26.160
is this something that I really want in my life?

447
00:23:26.759 --> 00:23:28.920
Is this what I really want to do with my life?

448
00:23:30.559 --> 00:23:34.160
Another thing is that you know, what are the things

449
00:23:34.200 --> 00:23:37.920
that you used to do before you were with this

450
00:23:37.960 --> 00:23:40.400
person or in the beginning of the relationship, when it

451
00:23:40.440 --> 00:23:45.880
wasn't so confining, you know, and start start making baby steps,

452
00:23:45.880 --> 00:23:48.359
start taking baby steps and tiny steps, just make changes

453
00:23:48.400 --> 00:23:50.200
in your life by doing things that you actually want

454
00:23:50.200 --> 00:23:53.160
to do. And I know that can be hard because

455
00:23:53.160 --> 00:23:57.839
you're worried about the anger or the blow up or

456
00:23:57.880 --> 00:24:01.480
the comments or the texting or the calls or the

457
00:24:01.519 --> 00:24:05.279
anger or the passive aggressive behavior or the silent treatment.

458
00:24:05.599 --> 00:24:08.960
And I understand, but again, you know, they're not gonna

459
00:24:08.960 --> 00:24:13.279
stop doing that until we finally say, I don't I

460
00:24:13.279 --> 00:24:15.759
don't care, I'm gonna still do what I need to do.

461
00:24:15.839 --> 00:24:18.839
I'm not doing anything wrong, trying to live my life,

462
00:24:18.839 --> 00:24:21.839
trying to take care of my responsibilities, and that's when

463
00:24:21.839 --> 00:24:24.960
they'll finally stop. And it takes time because remember, they

464
00:24:25.240 --> 00:24:27.480
know what they're doing. They figure it out how to

465
00:24:27.559 --> 00:24:31.799
scare you. They figured out how to upset you, They

466
00:24:31.839 --> 00:24:35.279
figured out how to quiet you down. You know, it's

467
00:24:35.319 --> 00:24:38.759
like they've they figured out how to bully you into

468
00:24:38.839 --> 00:24:44.319
being everything that they want, you know, bully you into

469
00:24:44.359 --> 00:24:46.799
doing everything for them. If I, IF, I, IF I,

470
00:24:46.960 --> 00:24:49.240
you know, make them feel bad enough, they'll shut up

471
00:24:49.240 --> 00:24:51.319
and they won't do it, and they'll be there at

472
00:24:51.319 --> 00:24:53.240
my back and call and they're not gonna go on

473
00:24:53.359 --> 00:24:55.519
that fishing trip. And instead they're gonna be here and

474
00:24:55.519 --> 00:24:57.440
they're gonna take care of me and they're gonna take

475
00:24:57.440 --> 00:24:58.839
me out and da da da dah, and I got

476
00:24:58.880 --> 00:25:01.519
my way and I'm good and everything's fine. You know,

477
00:25:01.559 --> 00:25:03.160
the next time they try to get out of line,

478
00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:04.839
you know, I'm gonna call it out. I'm gonna fight,

479
00:25:04.839 --> 00:25:07.440
I'm gonna argue you, and I'm gonna make it painful.

480
00:25:08.759 --> 00:25:12.880
But if you, you know, buck against that, you know,

481
00:25:13.160 --> 00:25:15.160
and say, and it's hard. It's not like it's not

482
00:25:15.200 --> 00:25:18.359
gonna be painful. But the longer we sit in this,

483
00:25:19.720 --> 00:25:23.240
the more painful it becomes. Because over time, this person

484
00:25:23.319 --> 00:25:27.960
wants to completely subconsciously they want to completely erase your identity.

485
00:25:28.480 --> 00:25:31.960
They want to erase your identity because that once they

486
00:25:31.960 --> 00:25:36.480
erase your identity, you become, you know, completely and utterly

487
00:25:36.680 --> 00:25:41.480
under their control because there's nothing else left. And then

488
00:25:41.559 --> 00:25:43.680
what's sad is that a lot of times in these

489
00:25:43.720 --> 00:25:48.519
situations they end up leaving you or you end up

490
00:25:48.559 --> 00:25:53.000
basically checking out, you know, you check out on alcohol

491
00:25:53.079 --> 00:25:55.480
or drugs or whatever, or pills to not have to

492
00:25:55.519 --> 00:25:57.519
deal with the problem anymore because you can't handle it

493
00:25:57.519 --> 00:25:59.640
anymore because you've lost your identity and you don't know

494
00:25:59.680 --> 00:26:01.880
what to do you anymore, and you're stuck in the situation.

495
00:26:02.839 --> 00:26:05.359
But sometimes I've seen where the other person now has

496
00:26:05.440 --> 00:26:10.680
everything they want, you know, and unfortunately then they take off,

497
00:26:10.799 --> 00:26:13.559
leaving ushl of a person. And the only way that

498
00:26:13.599 --> 00:26:17.160
I've realized that we can offset this is by realizing

499
00:26:17.200 --> 00:26:21.759
how much we've lost of ourselves and basically start trying

500
00:26:21.799 --> 00:26:25.559
to pull that back into our life, you know, getting

501
00:26:25.599 --> 00:26:27.440
those things back, you know, the things that we love

502
00:26:27.480 --> 00:26:29.480
to do, the people we wanted to hang out with,

503
00:26:29.920 --> 00:26:32.079
our hobbies that we had, the stuff that we like

504
00:26:32.200 --> 00:26:34.359
to do, going to the gym, you know, taking care

505
00:26:34.359 --> 00:26:35.960
of our bodies, you know, if we like to go

506
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:38.119
out on the boat, going out on the boat, if

507
00:26:38.119 --> 00:26:40.119
we like to ride the motorcycle, whatever it is that

508
00:26:40.160 --> 00:26:43.400
we do, go do it, and be consistent about it,

509
00:26:44.599 --> 00:26:46.960
and be consistent about finding the value and what you're

510
00:26:47.000 --> 00:26:53.200
doing for you and connecting, reconnecting. It's about reconnecting with yourself,

511
00:26:54.279 --> 00:26:56.839
you know. And yeah, there will be some turmoil and everything.

512
00:26:56.880 --> 00:26:59.400
But over time you're training them that this isn't going

513
00:26:59.440 --> 00:27:02.960
to work more. You're training them I'm not I'm not

514
00:27:03.039 --> 00:27:07.000
doing this anymore, you know, And and over time they

515
00:27:07.000 --> 00:27:09.759
get they get frustrated because, wow, this used to work

516
00:27:09.799 --> 00:27:12.039
every time. I used to yell at him and put

517
00:27:12.079 --> 00:27:14.279
him in his place, and then I would go silent.

518
00:27:14.319 --> 00:27:16.559
I would go silent at nine or ten o'clock at night,

519
00:27:16.640 --> 00:27:19.119
making him wonder, making her wonder where I'm at. And

520
00:27:19.400 --> 00:27:21.640
I'd resurface the next day round two or three in

521
00:27:21.680 --> 00:27:24.559
the afternoon. And this person's completely frazzled and has no

522
00:27:24.599 --> 00:27:27.160
idea what's going on. What was going on is perfect,

523
00:27:27.240 --> 00:27:28.960
got them right in their corner, right where they need

524
00:27:29.000 --> 00:27:30.839
to be at. So the next time I need to

525
00:27:30.960 --> 00:27:33.960
use this, I can use it right. But if you

526
00:27:34.039 --> 00:27:35.799
kind of hold your tongue and you do what you

527
00:27:35.799 --> 00:27:38.400
gotta do and you hold on steady and you overcome that.

528
00:27:38.480 --> 00:27:40.359
Over time, You're just like you know, over time it

529
00:27:40.400 --> 00:27:44.839
gets easier because you also realize the game. And once

530
00:27:44.880 --> 00:27:49.720
you realize the game, realizing the game is a lot

531
00:27:49.799 --> 00:27:51.680
of it. I mean, that's that's a big piece of

532
00:27:51.720 --> 00:27:54.400
the puzzle. Once you see that this is you know,

533
00:27:54.920 --> 00:27:59.599
this is this is all about self preservation and what

534
00:27:59.680 --> 00:28:02.880
that person wants. You know, what they want, not what's

535
00:28:02.920 --> 00:28:06.960
best for you, but what they want for themselves. I

536
00:28:07.039 --> 00:28:08.960
want to see what's best for you. I want you

537
00:28:09.000 --> 00:28:10.559
to do what's best for you. And if I can

538
00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:12.839
help you do what's best for you, then I'm here

539
00:28:12.920 --> 00:28:14.839
for you. If you want to learn more about me

540
00:28:15.039 --> 00:28:18.839
and my practice, go to Ashley Burgess dot com Ashley A.

541
00:28:18.880 --> 00:28:22.160
S H L. E. Y Burgess b E r Ges

542
00:28:22.279 --> 00:28:26.559
dot com. Also you can check out video content. New

543
00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:30.400
video content is placed every week several times a week

544
00:28:30.440 --> 00:28:33.200
on the YouTube channel, and just go to YouTube and

545
00:28:33.240 --> 00:28:36.960
type in life Coach Ashley Burgess Ashley B E. R

546
00:28:37.119 --> 00:28:39.799
g Ees And you can also go to the website

547
00:28:39.839 --> 00:28:42.400
Ashleyburges dot com and you can actually set up an

548
00:28:42.400 --> 00:28:45.200
appointment and the coaching section right there online and we

549
00:28:45.240 --> 00:28:47.680
can start working together. And I look forward to meeting you.

550
00:28:48.039 --> 00:28:49.960
And in the meantime, think about it. Are you in

551
00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:53.960
this type of relationship? Have you become more codependent based

552
00:28:53.960 --> 00:28:56.960
on this type of relationship and the insecurities that it's

553
00:28:57.000 --> 00:29:00.000
brought out in you? And is this person taking advantage

554
00:29:01.160 --> 00:29:03.240
and do you feel like they're taking advantage of you?

555
00:29:04.079 --> 00:29:07.079
And if you feel it, it's probably very true. And

556
00:29:07.119 --> 00:29:10.000
start thinking about this, making a list and thinking about

557
00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:12.039
what changes you want to make in your life, because

558
00:29:12.039 --> 00:29:14.400
it's up to you. Nobody's going to make your life

559
00:29:14.400 --> 00:29:16.759
better but you. It's up to you. You are the

560
00:29:16.759 --> 00:29:20.200
sole proprietor of your life. You were the person that

561
00:29:20.359 --> 00:29:23.000
has to basically take care of it. And if things

562
00:29:23.079 --> 00:29:26.240
are not working, we need to augment them to make

563
00:29:26.319 --> 00:29:28.680
them work. And that's what is so powerful. And you

564
00:29:28.759 --> 00:29:31.359
have the opportunity to do that. And I would also

565
00:29:31.400 --> 00:29:34.200
love to be given the opportunity to copilot with you

566
00:29:34.599 --> 00:29:39.519
in the process of change. Now you know success, powering

567
00:29:39.680 --> 00:29:43.359
up and completely connecting with your highest self. I hope

568
00:29:43.359 --> 00:29:45.200
that the show is connected with you. Please share with

569
00:29:45.319 --> 00:29:47.640
family and friends, send them the link, the Apple link

570
00:29:47.720 --> 00:29:51.519
or the Spotify link or the speaker link or whatever link.

571
00:29:51.599 --> 00:29:53.440
Send it to other people so they can hear the show.

572
00:29:53.480 --> 00:29:55.160
I appreciate you. Let's get the word out and try

573
00:29:55.160 --> 00:29:58.200
to help others going through this situation because they owe

574
00:29:58.240 --> 00:30:01.400
themselves to help and get change, but they need knowledge

575
00:30:01.400 --> 00:30:03.519
to you, and everybody needs to share it so that

576
00:30:03.559 --> 00:30:05.240
we can make this world a better place. I hope

577
00:30:05.279 --> 00:30:06.960
that you've connected with the show and live your true

578
00:30:07.000 --> 00:30:09.599
life perspectives with your host, me Asty Bergers will be

579
00:30:09.599 --> 00:30:12.640
back in I'll be back this time. You know it.

580
00:30:12.680 --> 00:30:20.839
I'll be back this time in three shakes,