June 2, 2026

Are you accepting Crumbs in your Relationship? [Ep: 814]

Show Notes
Transcript

Are you accepting crumbs in your relationship? What does it mean to be crumbed? The beginning of a relationship can start in a very different way: lots of attention, love bombing, and admiration and then things change. Eventually the massive amount of attention begins to come to an end and you begin to get less and less. You don’t realize but the little attention you are receiving begins to be put on a pedestal by you and you aren’t realizing you are now cherishing the crumbs. Learn about crumbing and what it means in a relationship. Listen to the whole podcast to get advice and direction you can use to clearly move forward in a healthy and informed direction.
#narcissism #narcissistic #borderline #BPD #crumbs #manipulation #lovebombing #pedestal #podcast

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You're in a good place now you are listening to

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perspectives with Ashley Burgets. Let's talk today about confusing relationships,

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Why they're so confusing, and what's the reason for it.

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Many of us are in confusing relationships where there's anxiety,

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there's stress, but yet it almost feels like addictive. And

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why is it addictive? Why can we not leave? Why

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is it that we're kind of stuck in this relationship

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even though there's a lot of not so good parts,

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but there seems to be a component that keeps bringing

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us back in, keeps us there on a constant basis.

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I want to talk about crumbs today versus validation and

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when we need to put the brakes on. You've heard

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the word crumbs. What does crumbs mean? What does it mean?

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What does it mean to be crumbed? You know, if

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you have a loaf of bread, and you have that

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loaf of bread you bite at the store. It's a

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full loaf of bread. It's a whole loaf of bread, right,

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it's a whole loaf. But what if you went into

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that store and instead of buying that loaf of bread,

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you know, in that bag or that sack, instead of

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that there's just crumbs. There's just a few little pieces

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of crumbs. There maybe one piece of bread left in

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the bag. How would you feel about that, Well, most

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of us aren't going to the store and buying a

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bag of crumbs, but many of us are in relationships

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that that is exactly what we're experiencing. In the beginning,

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we got the whole loaf of bread. In the beginning,

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it was like going to the store every day, having

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a whole loaf of bread and never having to worry

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about it. But eventually it became small little crumbs. Now,

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the interesting part is over time, when you start getting crumbs,

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not the loaf, not even the pieces of bread, you

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begin to higher value those crumbs because that's all you're getting,

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so you put them on a pedestal, even though before

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that wouldn't have been the case. Before you would have

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said this is crazy, especially beginning in the relationship. Why

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am I just getting these little nuggets of interaction or attention?

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And see, that's one of the problem lies with the

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confusing relationship is in the beginning, we got the full

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loaf of bread aka love bombing, and then over a

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period of time that stopped. It stopped almost immediately after

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a few months for some of you, a few weeks

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for some of you, even a year. You got to

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do a whole year of love bombing. But that's very

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few and far between. So eventually you start getting these

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little crumbs, these little nuggets of attention, and they become

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slower and slower, and they're kind of like dulled out

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to you, you know, little chump change here, little chump

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change there. And at first it's annoying or discombobulating, but

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eventually you begin to hold onto those crumbs for dear life.

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You begin to hold onto those crumbs and see those

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crumbs as value. Now, the problem is because we got

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the loaf of bread, the whole loaf, for so long,

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and we got so used to that we kind of

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attached our validation and our self worth to that loaf

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of bread that that other person was giving us. The

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other person went to the store providing us this bread. Okay,

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this is a euphonism, this is a concept. You know,

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provided the bread aka attention, and you started strapping and

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connecting your value, your personal value who you are, and

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you started like tethering yourself to this loaf of bread

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and this person and then eventually the bread goes away,

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and now you're just getting that little cellphone bag, the

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cellophane sorry, the cellophane bag of just these little crumbs,

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and you're holding on to them like their gold. And

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then eventually you don't get some of those. So there's

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sometimes in the relationship where they literally maybe go quiet,

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maybe they're not communicating with you. Maybe they're actually mean

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or angry with you, making fun of you, putting you down,

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even sometimes ghost seeing you. Maybe you have something planned

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and you're looking forward to it. You get to the restaurant,

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there's nobody there. You try to call them, they don't respond.

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Perhaps you text them and you see that they've read

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received they've read it, but they're not communicating with you.

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And then you go days wondering what happened? What did

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I do? Because your value is so wrapped up with

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that person that now you're concerned because you can't see

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the forest through the trees. You're going through the motions

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of your life in the shower, thinking about them, in bed,

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can't sleep. Some of you are overeating, some of you

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aren't eating at all. When is the next time I'm

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going to get a crumb? And the interesting part of

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it is. You don't realize it's a crumb. You're just

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waiting for that call, just that lifeline text message. Oh

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god God, Well they just text me. Maybe they'll text

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me today, maybe they'll call me. And so you sit

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there and wait, shutting out the rest of the world.

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If you're going to work, you're having to go to work,

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you're frustrated. All you can do is wonder where are they,

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where did they go, what happened to them? And then

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eventually they pop up, And usually they pop up when

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you've already made plans to do something because you were

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so overwhelmed with grief and fear, and you've been beaten

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down mentally and emotionally, and you feel as though you

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have no self value, no self worth, And so you

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reach out to a friend or a lifeline and you

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make a time to get coffee or to meet up

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for lunch, and right when you're heading that way, this

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person texts you, Hey, can I see you right now?

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And so you start canceling out everybody in your group

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because you rush to meet that person to get that

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crumb of validation. So this is interesting. I want to

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discuss the crumbing and what does it feel like, and

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how do we deal with this type of situation and

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how do we overcome being strapped of these crumbs looking

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for personal validation and acceptance, Because what's happened is these

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crumbs have been our personal validation and acceptance. They have

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turned into our entire value. We have lost our value.

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And I don't know if we ever had it, If

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we could strap ourselves to and tether ourselves to someone

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else's crumbs, maybe we never had personal value of our

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own ever, I don't know. And this is something that

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we need to think about. And so when we look

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at this concept, we need to figure that out. So

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how do we disconnect from that? And how do we

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first see it as crumbs? And I want you to

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analyze your relationship accurately to understand it, to see what

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is crumbs and what is real honest love versus what

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is real honest attention. And I think you'll see that

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it's very different. I think in the beginning many of

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you will say, well, I just wish we could go

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back to the way it was before, because we actually

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feel like the person was different. It's just the person

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never changed. They just went back to being who they are.

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Their reality is them now, not who they were before.

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And that's why it's so strange. That's why it's so

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mind boggling, because you got so inundated in the beginning

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of this relationship thinking that this is the way it was,

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this is the way it is, this is all this

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good stuff, and this is the way the relationship will be.

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But that's just not true. That is the version of

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them that they entered the relationship with you, That is

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the version of them that they were selling you to

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have a relationship with you. That's all it was. And

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I need you to get that through your head, because

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that's one of the hardest things to get through your

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head because you're constantly trying to get back to the beginning.

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And the beginning was not real. The beginning was false.

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The beginning was fake. The beginning was a version of

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them to get you to feel a certain way, to

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get you to drop your guard, to move very quickly

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into a relationship, and to be able to go through

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that process. And that's kind of the situation that we

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have here, is that when you go through that process,

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you don't realize that you think that this person is

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that version of them is reality, that version that you

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met is amazing. There's all this love bombing, all this attention.

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Many of you talk about having great sex, this great relationship,

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all this stuff, and everything's good for whatever time that is.

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And then things start changing and dwindling, and through the

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process you begin to not only feel bad and wonder

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when it's going to come back, but you lose your

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identity in the process because you're thinking, what did I

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do wrong to get this person to treat me like this?

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What did I do wrong to get this person to

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not continue to be how they are with me? What

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did I do wrong to lose this attention? And so

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you begin to morph and change into somebody that you're not.

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And see this becomes really radically a big problem. It's

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like going into a place and not being yourself. It

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doesn't make any sense because there's gonna be people that

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like you for being you, people that don't like you

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for not being you. Every every construct is possible, So

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just go in being yourself in any relationship and if

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they don't like you for who you are, hey, they

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don't like you for who you are. You know, if

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they don't want you in the club, great, get out

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of the club. And it's hard to recognize those things

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because you see clubs or organizations or friend groups very

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differently than you see a romantic relationship. They don't love

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you for you, then they don't love you for you

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move on. But that is very very very hard to see,

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very hard to see. And so how do you process that?

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How do you deal with that? And these are the

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things that I want you to begin to think about.

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These are the concepts that I want you to think about.

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Because the beginning was not true. The love bombing was

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a manipulative tactic. Now the chromes are to see how

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little will you take and continue in the relationship, How

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little will you take and continue to be in this relationship?

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That is key. And the problem is many of us

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don't think that way, so we don't know that that's

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the other side of the coin. Here. We're just saying, Oh,

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I just want that person around, and I really like them,

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and I think about them all the time, and I

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just want to spend time with them, even if it's

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for an hour, whatever I can get. I just want some.

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I want some so bad. And it's a very addictive quality, right,

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It's like it's like a line of cocaine or some heroin.

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Or something like that. It's very addictive. You'll take whatever

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you can get, you know, whatever the dealer has. You know,

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oh you only have that. Okay, well I'll just get

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that for right now and you just let me know

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when you get more in Okay. It's not like, Wow,

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that kind of sucks, Like that's all I'm getting here,

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and this is it. I mean, I'm giving you all

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this and you're giving me that. Now. It's different if

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you're also crumbing this person back. But I'm saying many

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of you that are listening to my podcast, that follow

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the YouTube channel Life Coach Astity Burgess, that have followed

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the blogs and the videos and everything for years, you're

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not coming from that camp. You're coming from the camp of, Hey,

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I'm a good person. I'm wanting to meet, you know,

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somebody that I can be with in my life and

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I treat them very well and I treat them with respect,

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and I kind of I would like the same thing back.

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And at first I was getting all this attention, I

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was like, Wow, you know, love is possible, and now

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I'm not. And now I'm not, And so I need

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you to see the difference. So from the love bombing,

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it wasn't reality. I needs you to recognize that the

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beginning was not them. I need you to see how

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the current situation, if they're being mean and combative and

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argumentative or avoidant, that is truly who they are, and

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accept that reality. So you're finally in the relationship with

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the real person now, not the representative. Okay. First off, Second,

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you had the loaf of bread and you were making

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toast every day. We were having a blast. You're making toast.

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You know. Heck, I don't know. Maybe it was pet

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of bread, you know, who knows. Whatever you were having.

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You know, whatever it was, you were having a good time,

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and you were really happy about that bread. Now we

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don't have that bread anymore. We have tiny little crumbs

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of one piece a little bread, and we get it

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a little bit here and there. And I want you

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to realize how you take that little piece of bread

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and you put it up on that pedestal and you go, oh, look,

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I got this little little piece. Yeah, I'm gonna hold

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that up. I'm not gonna eat it. I'm just gonna

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look at it because it's so great, it's so amazing.

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And I want you to realize how often in other

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relationships you've been mistreated or haven't gotten attention, and you

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walked away from those relationships, and this relationship is not

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any better. It's actually probably a lot worse. But it's

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become addictive because see, at first they gave you the

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whole loaf. It's like the drug dealer, right, Yo. The

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first time is free, even the second and third time

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is free. But now I'm gonna have to give you half.

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Now I'm gonna give you a third. Now i'm gonna

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give you a half of a half of a half.

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Now i'm gonna give you one fifteenth of it. Now

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I'm not gonna give you anything. Now I'm gonna not

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give you anything. I'm gonna also cut you off for

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a period of time and then I'm gonna come back.

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Or I might just distance myself for a while, or

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I might ghost you. And I know that some people

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have gone through ghosting for periods of time that were

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longer than several months, and then somebody shows back up

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and they're like, oh, hey, just everything's fine. And I

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know that the extreme some of you don't say anything

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because you're just happy to hear from this person. Oh god,

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they've they've resurrected, they've come back. You know, maybe we

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can have this relationship. We've always want it. But I

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want you to realize every time we take them back,

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you're losing a part of yourself because what you've done

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is you've attached your value and your self worth onto

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the entire breadcrumbing attention that they are or not giving you.

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So when they're not giving you attention, you have no value.

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When they are giving you attention, you have value. Do

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you see how this is working against you? This is

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not a good thing. This is working completely against you,

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tearing you down. And so I need you to begin

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to see the truth here, and I need you to

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also see the cycle pattern of how they do things.

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Some of them, I believe, know exactly what they're doing,

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some of them know half of what they're doing, and

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some of them are just all over the map and

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really don't care. And some of them might be in

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relationships with other people who are doing this to them

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as well, and you just don't know about the other person.

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It's very interesting because there's a lot of interesting webs

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that people have weaved, and so they might be if

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they're ghosting you, maybe with somebody else and I'll tell

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you one thing. If somebody is a true narcissistic person,

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that probably is very true, or if they're a fear

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of abandonment or fear of being alone, for sure, But

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how do you pull back? And I know that some

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of you say, well, I'm in this relationship and when

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I call the personality or I say something, they get

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very defensive or angry or turn it around on me.

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And that's true. They have to because remember, they want

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to remain the victim. They don't want to take responsibility

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for their actions because if they do, then they would

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have to change it. You know. It's kind of like

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the concept of somebody that's insane. You know, if they're insane,

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they can't really be prosecuted at the same level because

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I didn't know what they were doing, right, you complete insanity,

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But a lot of times some people do. But a

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lot of times people just manipulate in gas light to

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a degree to make you feel like you're losing it,

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to change the narrative of what's really happening. And so

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I need you to step back because I believe that

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many of your relationships, if you're listening to this podcast,

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whether it's a past relationship or a current relationship. Somebody

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is changing the narrative. Somebody has changed the narrative, and

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many times we go along with that narrative because we

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forget things, We forget how things happen. We want to

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believe a different reality, we want to believe a different truth,

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and so begin to see these realities in these patterns,

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and then I need to see I need you to

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recognize more often, how are you? And when are you upset?

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When are you sad? Many of you are sad more

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than happy. You're sad more than happy. It's beginning to

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really affect you manually and emotionally throughout your life. It's

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affecting every aspect of your life. And honestly, this relationship

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that you're holding onto is actually pulling you down. And

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you are underwater and you're drowning, and it's time to

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come up to the surface of the water, to see

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the situation as it is and to begin to accurately

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understand how are you going to move forward with it?

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And the only way to move forward out of these

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relationships is to look at the truth. If you're not

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looking at the truth, you don't have options. If you're

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not looking at the truth. You're believing the game. If

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you're not looking at the truth, we all have a

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problem because you are gaming yourself into a situation that

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holds no value for you. And if anything is causing

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you pain and suffering and so forget. I need you

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to remember there is a vision of this person. Usually

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the beginning of the relationship. This person looked amazing, They

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were great on paper, they said everything, they did everything.

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You had a version of them that you put on

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the pedestal, whether it was this fairy tale that you

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were going to live together forever, or you were gonna

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have all these kids, or you were gonna be this

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power couple, or whatever the version is for you. And

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I need you to realize that you played a part

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in this narrative as well, because you created this reality

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based on this attention and then lost yourself in the shuffle.

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And so you have to begin to find your own value.

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You know, you have to begin to find your own

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value separate from this relationship, because remember when we find

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value in other people, the problem with that is if

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the other person goes away, then what happens to our value? Bingo,

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that's it. I mean, we have to find value within

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ourselves separate from every relationship because remember, relationships are exterior

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type things. We can love people and care about them,

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live with them, marry them, have kids with them. It's

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all great, it's all fun, great, wonderful, but there's a

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limitation to how much you want to give of your

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value to that person because we have to have boundaries,

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and in these relationships we have no boundaries. If you're

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accepting crumbs, you have no boundaries. You've gotten to the

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point of begging to some degree for this person to

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see you. And the more that we beg and I'm

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not saying you're physically begging, oh please, please, no, but

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not saying, hey, where were you for three days? Or hey,

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this isn't working for me. You know, this isn't working

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for me. Your attitude when I come home and the

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passive aggressive behavior and the silent treatment, or you abusing

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the credit cards and then getting angry with me, this

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isn't working for me anymore. I don't need to be

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married at this expence, or I don't need to be

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in this relationship at this expence. It's time for me

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to find myself and I advocate. You know, this is

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the work that you want to do is the longer

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you stay in these toxic relationships, this toxicity because remember

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you're fueling it too. This person wouldn't be able to

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do this if you weren't accepting the behavior. Now they

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might not change. It's not like, okay, if you stopped

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accepting the behavior. And maybe that's the case. You put

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down some boundaries, you tell them you're not taking this,

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you move out, you do whatever, say you need to

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go to therapy or whatever, and we'll figure it out,

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and if not, we're moving on. I'm tired of this.

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That could be the answer, or it could be a

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wake up call to move on in your life. But remember,

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we have to learn the value within ourselves or this

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is going to continue to happen. If we don't learn

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our value, we're just going to go into another relationship

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similar to this relationship, and it could be worse. I've

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worked with clients where we begin to work and they go, oh,

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I got past this, and now I'm in this relationship

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and I wanted to have a session with you and

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start working with you. And we begin to find over

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time that we've just found someone else with the same

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type of cluster be or the same dynamic, the self selfishness,

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or the same victim reality. But it's even worse than

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it was before because we didn't do the work we

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needed to do now. And so if you're in this

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situation and you're sitting there, you're waking up at night

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this person's not calling you, or you're waking up at

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night because you can't communicate with this person, or you're

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walking around aimlessly. I mean, I had a client the

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other day said that they walked into a screen door

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because they were so busy in thought about how upset

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they were about this relationship that they weren't even paying

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attention to where they were walking. I've had a client

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run into the back of a car before because they

390
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weren't paying attention. Because we're up in our mind thinking

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about this problematic situation that is not bettering our life,

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and the only way to better our life is to

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accurately see it. Go to the beginning, See what happened,

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Think about it, Think about the love bombing, Think about

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the narrative that you created about your life with this person.

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